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14. Forever & Always

“Everything I need is right here by my side; I’m only up when you’re not down, don’t wanna fly if you’re still on the ground-  it’s like, no matter what I do… I’m only me when I’m with you!”
– Taylor Swift

I don’t believe in coincidence. I know that not everyone will agree with me, especially Igor, [ ironically? ] but I believe everything happens for a reason, as there are way, way too many synchronicities in my life!! Take this post for example: the perfect timing to discuss my Isgees would be right here. It also just so happens to be number -* 14 *- in the timeline. I may not have had >everything< completely written to this point, but I did have an ideal timeline since I was originally writing a book. It was actually Igor who suggested I blog instead. He believes that I have an important story to tell, but also a uniquely-different perspective in my current life, as a chronically ill wife and mother to children with their own challenges. <- Color me impressed; he’s not wrong!

So where is the synchronicity you ask? Igor and I met and started dating -* 14 *- years ago, this past week… booom, mind blowing, huh? But no seriously, what are the odds? I know I have a few mathematicians in my life but even they have to admit you get chills reading that! There’s more along the way within our story, don’t worry. For 1) or is it technically 2)? Eh, how about we just go with it and not number them because it’ll likely become too confusing for us both. (And yeesss, I know technically that “should have” had a question mark ending because of the [how about], but quite frankly it just didn’t sit right with me.) ANYWAY… given current events, wouldn’t you say that synchronicity is at play once again, given that Igor immigrated here from Ukraine? More or less that his/our story (post) just so happens to align with what’s going on currently in his hometown. Or the fact that when he moved here initially, he lived down the street and was friends with my cousins from Oak Park, 40 minutes away from where I grew up? I’m tellin’ ya – nothing happens by chance!

After my heart was shattered, my mom and her friend tried hooking me up with a waiter (who was working on his masters in mathematics, ^  ironic…). He was a newly-divorced, single father who had recently moved out of the house located right next to my elementary school, to an apartment just up the road from where I live now. His name was Gary and after one date we both didn’t see it going anywhere. Now, if you’re unaware of this, it’s not uncommon for Eastern Europeans to change their names after immigrating here. Wanna know what Igor’s parents wanted him to change his name to but he refused? If you’re thinking, “Gary” – then you’d be correct! ::facemeetpalm:: Freakin’ synchronicity, I’m telling you!!

One day I was messing around on Myspace (awe, I miss making those custom profiles! Too bad I have completely forgotten any and all coding I knew by heart. Don’t use it – you lose it, right?) and saw someone talking about a new site, My Yearbook or something like that, and out of curiosity I clicked on it to check it out. I honestly do not remember anything about the site but I think it was a failed attempt to be the next new Myspace/Facebook. There was an article on the first page of some male celebrity talking about how you don’t have to be Jewish to join *Jdate*. Jdate? WTF is that? Turns out it’s an online Jewish dating site. I had never tried, let alone considered, joining an online dating site. I was still young, but sure, why the hell not? Growing up in Canton [01. Hello] there really wasn’t any exposure to Jewish guys so I joined for shits and giggles, never expecting to seriously find someone! I am not religious [I’d consider myself spiritual, however.] nor am I fully Jewish. It’s funny, In Jewish culture if your mother is Jewish, you’re Jewish. Yet, in Catholic tradition you follow your father’s religion. It’s no wonder I’ve had trouble discovering the real me – I’ve been mixed up since day one! HA, ha.

At first I didn’t pay anything because you can have a free account, ::PausesForInappropriatStereotypicalLaugher:: but if you wanted to message and actually connect with someone, you needed a paid account. I figured I’d give it a month since you had to pay monthly. The very first day I spent like an hour, maybe 2, just browsing around reading people’s profiles when I should have been doing homework. I really didn’t want to pay, but I just kept going back to this one profile in particular. His answers to the preset questions just drew me in. I could barely even see what he looked like because his profile picture was of him crouched down by a car, at night, from a distance. Really? Seems odd for a dating profile photo but okay – it wasn’t his photo that drew me in anyway, so it didn’t matter that I couldn’t really see him. That’s when I actually discovered you had to pay because I just felt drawn to messaging him. In the meantime other people had messaged me and I chatted with a few guys but I was more fixated on waiting to see how the first guy would respond to my message.

Two days. I didn’t hear back from him for two days. Why is that? I could insert the inappropriate reasoning for my laughing earlier… buuuut let’s just say he didn’t want to pay for the account either. He sat on it because apparently he had been trying the whole >online dating thing< and it wasn’t working for him. He decided to take a break for a while. Apparently it’s not uncommon for someone to message you just saying, “hey” <- which, why? If you’re interested in getting to know someone why would you just say, “hey’? I guess that shows where you stand as far as maturity goes. He didn’t want to pay just to get a message like that, and honestly, I can’t blame him. But see, if you knew him, you’d know that he is -way- too curious of a person to just let it go. The battle between “wasting money” and his curiosity came to a halt on February 26th, 2008.

To his surprise, it wasn’t just a “hey” but a rather lengthy message responding to most of his profile questionnaire. He responded but his “signature” at the bottom of the message was so far down, like if I wouldn’t have scrolled down all the way I would have missed it. That said, sitting across from my mom I admittedly asked, “What’s I, G, O, R?” ::turnsred:: In my defense, I knew that the name Igor was spelled that way, but I was so confused as it was so far down, alone, with nothing else, that I wasn’t sure if it was some short hand/phrase I wasn’t aware of in the online dating world. Kind of like A/S/L from when chat rooms first started becoming popular. And we can’t forget that I grew up in Canton. While it may have been a very diverse area, there certainly weren’t many, if any, Russians/Ukrainians known in the mix… It was a blonde moment, okay? Geez. Also, I was blonde at the time so I can get away with the excuse! ;-p

And from that day on, they lived happily ever after. <3
– The end. 

{{Bahahah! I don’t think I could say that with a straight face even if I tried!}}

Oh man, there is so much to say in regards to us and I don’t know what to say when or where, I mean 14 years is almost half my lifetime!

After that first message exchange, we couldn’t stop talking. We spoke on AIM practically day and night – which was super productive when you have school and work to worry about. Our connection was immediate. Talking to each other from day one just felt so natural, like I was talking to a best friend. I was myself, I was up front about my health (which, he didn’t understand the complexities at the time but it didn’t prevent him from getting to know me – yet.) I looked forward to telling him about my day. I was honest from the very beginning and told him that there were other people from the site who were interested in getting to know me. He was patient and understanding. I only ended up going out on one date with one other guy from the site. But again, I  was honest and talked with Igor prior to and immediately after. He wished me luck and asked how it went. We had a legitimate friendship right off the bat! Deep down, I knew there was more to this than just a friendship or just some guy I’d date without it actually going anywhere. Due to past relationships, it was difficult to be vulnerable. I had a habit of starting to get close only to push away before I’d allow myself to really develop feelings. I remember writing this long email explaining my history with that and basically begged him not to allow me to try and push him away. I didn’t want to run, I knew there was more between us but I also knew myself; which is why I had to come right out and be honest. But you know what? That feeling of running, of pushing away before getting too close… that feeling never came!!

My birthday was almost 2 weeks after we started talking and I invited him to dinner with friends, though he declined. We hadn’t actually met in person yet so I understood, it’d be weird and uncomfortable, especially for how quiet he is. Which, I gotta be honest, I had no idea was legit because he seemed so open and entertaining with me, you’d never know he struggled with small talk! I joke that he just didn’t want to get me a birthday gift. <- & no I won’t let him deny that being any part of the decision, ha, ha. We talked for nearly a month before we had our first date. Literally day and night. Knowing now how invested he gets when he has a gaming need to be met, (Almost like an addict needing their fix only it doesn’t last. Actually now that I think about it, any time he has a new interest he’s all in, all of the time, until his itch has been scratched and he’s moved on.) I feel honored and special that he was investing so much time talking with me, while simultaneously playing W.O.W. in the evenings. I must have been the new [all in, all of the time] interest for him… he just never moved on. <3

By the time our first date came I was nervous, but also at peace. I remember sitting in the parking lot talking to my mom when I saw him pull up and park; instant butterflies. Our plan was to meet up at Fountain Walk in Novi for Cold Stone and glow golf – a cute, simple first date. We “met” for the first time, right there in the parking lot between what was once Hooters and Emagine… classy.

{{ 42*29’24.4”N and 83*29’04.1”W }} <- We have a wooden sign in our family room with the coordinates saying, “where it all began”.

I’m pretty cheesy like that. Actually, I prefer sentimental. So, I’m pretty sentimental like that!

I’m a very affectionate person. I hug everyone, snuggle next to my friends to watch a movie, etc. Being a male raised within the Russian culture, Igor was not used to affection, at all. So when I hugged him when we first met it was a little awkward. And during putt putt when I’d pass him to move out of the way, I’d lightly caress his back or arm or whatever, just needing that physical connection. I was already falling for the guy, hard, it was difficult not being closer. I mean, we had been talking day and night for nearly a month; he easily quickly became one of my best friends! He says it was “sweet” looking back but didn’t know how to react at the time. Due to history, my mother was on high alert, knew what our plans were and whatnot. Thing is, we didn’t want the date to end. We ended up going to see a movie, Vantage Point, during which time my mother felt it necessary to call me multiple times. When I wasn’t answering she called Putting Edge looking for me, imagine her embarrassment when they asked her how old I was. ::crieslaughing:: No, looking back I probably should have filled her in but at the same time, I was an adult. I understand her worry, though out of character for her; I find the whole thing hilarious. After the movie we headed over to 12 Oak’s Mall to walk and talk more. The date lasted over 5 hours!! We genuinely just enjoyed being together. When I hugged him goodbye I was too chicken shit to do so, but I wanted to give him a kiss on the cheek so bad, ha,ha! Our second date was 3 days later and our third – 4 days after that; while also continuing to talk day and night. I don’t even know what we talked about but we couldn’t get enough.

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Gratitude!

“What if today, we were just grateful for everything”
– Charlie Brown

Today I am in tears, in awe and left without words as I am filled with gratitude! Irony of course being that as a “writer” – blogger, you kind of need words. They are the essence of your work. For 8 years I have been writing my story, on and off, bits here and pieces there. But it wasn’t so much for others as it was for myself. An outlet to work through trauma. An outlet to uncover hidden darkness within my shadow. An outlet just to vent. Of course, the original copy shall probably be burned or buried as I wasn’t so discreet when it came to not exposing the truths of others. As I wrote, I just wrote to get it out. And when I say wrote, I literally mean pen to paper. It’s actually my preference!

I don’t remember what exactly inspired me to start typing everything up, but as I started typing I quickly realized that imminent changes were dyer. And by changes I don’t mean truths in to lies, but rather rewriting in a way that wasn’t so raw and exposing of others. I am an open book, ask me anything and I will share, however, I do respect others rights to their own privacy. Exposing oneself is one of the most difficult things you can do. It causes you to get to know yourself in ways that challenge every fiber of your existence. It’s not easy, it’s not even close to butterflies and rainbows, but it’s what allows you to discover the real you. It allows you to free yourself from any shame you may have felt at a given time!!

By owning your truth, no one else has power over you. You are no longer hiding in fear of what others may think. The important thing is that [you] know who you are and it’s a damn good feeling being free! Don’t get me wrong, I still want to throw up due to nerves for doing this, however, what’s been done is done.

Yesterday I made the big announcement, officially letting everyone know about my blog. Sharing what may have once been my secrets, now truths for the world to see. More or less my announcement meant that everyone I know: past, present and future, will discover more about me than they ever imagined. As you get older and make new friends, it’s not easy sharing your past. Adulting is hard enough; being worried what others may think of your past isn’t worth any self doubt! [Hell, realistically nothing is worth self doubt!!] Your past doesn’t define you, all it is, is previous chapters within your life’s story.

Anyone that knows me knows that somewhere along the way I lost any desire to talk on the phone. As a kid/teen I was always on the phone, now? My own husband gets mad when I don’t answer. If I’m not mistaken I have already explained this but I don’t remember where. Long story short: I get physically ill sometimes just talking on the phone due to anxiety. Due to not believing in myself and that I’ll say something wrong or babble and make no sense. Due to fear of being judged. Due to past trauma that left me broken. Since gaining the confidence and strength to publish this blog, I have noticed that talking on the phone is getting easier. I am able to make important calls without even thinking, where I would once need to ground myself into just the right frame of mind. My cousin joked just last week that, “you know life is wild when Jena calls you on the phone twice in one week.” It was then that I realized I wasn’t as affected by it.

I actually just had a zoom call with a ::complete stranger:: and never once did I feel beneath them. I wasn’t even nervous leading up to the call until just minutes before. I quickly grabbed my Light Seer’s deck and pulled the King of Cups; I was instantly grounded and reminded of my worth! (If you are unfamiliar with tarot, click here to read and learn more about this specific card and maybe you’ll understand how it saved me in the moment!) After that zoom call I was on cloud nine… then broke down.

I am humbled by the numbers I’m seeing today. How many of my friends and family actually took the time to check my website out, even if only to lurk without reading a single post. I cannot begin to explain how astounding it feels knowing that what I am doing is worth it. I have always said that, “if my story can help even just -one- person not feel alone, then I have met my purpose”. This journey of self discovery [in Awakening] has changed me within my core. Between that zoom call, all of the words of encouragement and positive feedback I have received in regards to my blog, >>I am sitting here realizing that I myself, just may even be that -one- person!<<

With hugs, love, light, and many blessings, I thank you!!!

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13. Survivor – edited*

“From every wound there is a scar, and every scar tells a story. A story that says, -I survived.” ― Fr. Craig Scott

I know that I haven’t finished discussing my past with Kevin [09. First Love] but we’re just going to skip forward some. It’s not that I won’t or don’t want to talk about him, I just feel like there’s more to share that explains {why} I am me. Or rather, how I’ve gotten to where I am? I don’t know, whatever.

There are 2 relationships post Kev – well, maybe not exactly -post- but we weren’t “together” and he was away at college getting accustomed to his new life as a freshman basketball player. So what’s the best way to move on? Rebound. Not that I was exactly looking for a rebound but getting to know someone else didn’t hurt in helping me forget about Kevin. Although that relationship may not have hurt helping me get over Kev, it definitely hurt and left its mark for years to come. Here’s a definite altered name because he doesn’t deserve to be called anything other than, Asshole. Our relationship may have only lasted 3 months but it’s amazing how one can emotionally abuse you so much that you’re forever altered after such a short period of time. * EDIT [When you are emotionally abused you do things and put up with things that you wouldn’t normally accept. Emotional abuse can and -often does- lead to other forms of abuse. I choose to use “emotional abuse” as my umbrella term as it’s easier to discuss and how it >often begins<]* How did this happen? My only guess is that I was so vulnerable after Kevin went away to school that my guard and standards were dropped.

*🚫➡️ To better understand emotional abuse please visit: Here
*🚫➡️ If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence,
contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for
confidential assistance from trained advocates.

I had only been diagnosed at Mayo [06.HS/Diagnosis] just a few months prior and was still corresponding with my diagnosing doctor via email. All of my important notes, results, suggestions – everything and anything that I needed to share with my doctors back home, teachers, everything – were saved in an important file within my email. In a stunt to show control, Asshole hacked in and deleted EVERYTHING! Not -just- my medical folder, but he wiped clean my entire email account, to nothing… Remember now, I am only 17 at this point and to technically have a yahoo account you needed to be 18 at the time (has that changed?). Not that an 18 year old would know any better how to rectify the situation but my mother got a hold of customer service so fast that even The Flash would have had whiplash! Buuuuut unfortunately there was “nothing” they could do, once things are deleted from the trash, they’re lost within the back hole of cyberspace.

Looking back now, I’m sure Jack could have figured out a way to retrieve everything as his hacking skills are essentially what granted him a free masters degree that lead to some significant cybersecurity jobs. It’s always been a running joke that he actually works for the government but can’t tell us. He gets SO mad whenever anyone mentions it. He may be a phenomenal bullshiter, using words intentionally to go above your head so you have no idea what he’s saying and end up just going with it, but a gut feeling is a gut feeling and this gut feeling says otherwise! Ha, Ha.

Anyway, it was this stunt that got my parents involved and I was finally able to break away from the grips holding me prisoner. I am not exactly sure what happened, I may have a fantastic memory but I’ve certainly tried to block A-hole out, but I do remember him calling me late at night while I was at my dad’s so mad, that my dad took the phone from me – letting this guy have it, threatening to call his parents and tell them everything while also getting a restraining order. He may have been 18 but he still lived at home and had his parents fooled. It only took that one threat for him not to contact me again… until spring break [11. Childhood Friendships+] about 18 months later. I have NO idea how this guy found out, but apparently he joined the military and was stationed in FL at the time I was there. I received a call from a number I didn’t know so obviously I ignored it. Hello!? Who actually answers random numbers from out of state area codes?!?? I then received a text message from the same number that shook me to my core. It didn’t say who it was, but > I knew <. It was something along the lines of how I’m not a child anymore and that since we’re both in the same state, and area at the same time we should get together. That it had been long enough that I [shouldn’t] still be upset and that I was an adult now and didn’t need Daddy to protect me.

BreAthE…

See? I meant it when I said it shook me to my core!! I was at the strawberry festival at the time, not somewhere I had even planned on going, it was a last minute thing with Sheri’s parent’s. Nowhere was it posted online, nothing. Wherever we were, it wasn’t far from him and I still get chills when I think about it. How? How did he know? After all that time, new phone number, what? I never responded and as soon as we told Sheri’s parents what was up we booked it out of there! He never tried contacting me again, until he congratulated me via a FB message on my engagement, over 2 ½ years later. Uh, HARD BLOCK! I knew him during the Myspace craze and my FB wasn’t even under my real name at the time. What THE ACTUAL fuck?!!! It’s been 12 ½ years and THANKFULLY the universe has been beside me and I haven’t heard from him since. He lived in Royal Oak, which just so happens to be one of the top locations for adult nightlife. There is so much to do down there even during the day, but I get paralyzed every time I go there. For years, I couldn’t. Even just getting off the exit to go to the Detroit Zoo was the same and caused extreme tachycardia. Has it gotten easier over the years? Yes. Am I still affected each time I head to Royal Oak? Yes. I don’t wish anyone ill, but I also wouldn’t shed any ounce of sorrow or tears if something happened to him.

He broke me.

Which is what sent me to someone SAFE, comfortable. Someone I trusted and truly cared about. Someone who pined over me for years. Someone my mom really cared for even when we were just friends, though she always wanted more for us. Do you remember the time I kissed a guy on the bus, on the 3rd day of freshman year? If not, meet Christopher [09.First Love]. Oh Christopher… See, I [believed] he was someone safe, comfortable and trustworthy; but he shattered my heart. Unbeknownst to me, he was an addict. He too joined the military and leading up to his departure we were much closer and from my understanding, together. This was somewhere around March-May 2006 I believe? His family knew me, I was in contact with his parents (mostly his mama) while he was at bootcamp. I helped set up his welcome home party, was driven to and from said party by his dad and step-mom. They believed I was his gal, until this other girl showed up bouncing off the walls so excited and introduced herself as his girlfriend to everyone… jaw meet floor. The confused looks we all shared, it was almost a pin dropping silence within our own little bubble. At one point his cousin asked who she was, then looked at me and said, “I thought you…” I cut her off and replied, “am the best friend” with a shrug. At one point they left together and when he came back, she was gone. He told everyone he didn’t know why she thought that but that she had left. Other than that, never once did he try to rectify the situation and barely even apologized to me. It took every ounce of strength that I had not to cry.

Later that evening I received an email from his mom apologizing for his actions, that she was in disbelief herself and so disappointed in him. She promised to talk to him and make him get in touch with me. So, even later that evening I received an instant message (ayy A.I.M.!) He just kept apologizing and telling me how much he loved me and was going to make it up to me. Saying all of the right things, right? We only got a chance to talk at night due to work and school/whatever else goes on in the service post bootcamp, oh and a mini deployment. For nearly a year, I genuinely believed in our relationship. He would [half jokingly?] ask me when we were “getting hitched”, even gave me a date; blah, blah, blah. So no, we were never really engaged but from my understanding, rather serious!!

Then one day in November 2007 I got an email blast announcement, announcing and congratulating the newly married couple… Wait, what? Yeah, that’s exactly what I said and thought, too. I was so confused and angry that I sent a message I should have probably waited to send until I had some time to cool off. He of course wrote me back not understanding why I was so upset. That he’d expect me of all people to be happy for him, that he loved me so much, -> wait for it…

[I was like a SISTER!]
Boom! Mic dropped!! I’ll let you digest that for a moment…

Are you fkin’ kidding me? I didn’t even know what to say. This had to have been a joke, right? Like, this isn’t real life. I have hours and hours of saved messages, letters, texts… a sister? GTFO! My mom was just as devastated as I was. I quickly blocked him and refused to talk to him. There was nothing left to be said!!

My heart was shattered. Literally shattered.

It didn’t help that Kevin had started dating a girl, thee girl that caused most of our issues at the end (well not the real, real end, but I guess in a way it was because of her that we are officially no longer in each other’s lives at all, just not at that time). Hello mental rollercoaster, we meet again… Chris’ mom emailed me a few weeks later checking in and seeing how things were going. The nerve, right? No, I get it, she genuinely cared and wanted to see how I was doing, but also why I wasn’t talking to Christopher. So, I wrote her back, attaching just a fraction of the conversations I had saved, but enough for her to see why I believed we were legitimately, seriously, together still. Ha. The ironic thing is, I don’t even know if we were ever really technically together.

If you remember, I mentioned Christopher was an addict, yet I had no idea. His mother called me so fast, so angry and disappointed in him that she wanted more details. She was in complete disbelief. She had no idea her son was even capable of doing what he did. Apparently she let him have it and he tried reaching out because he was confused. All I had to say, or rather show, was the middle finger to my phone as his name appeared. <- I had a bad habit of not deleting anyone’s numbers. ::shrugs:: I didn’t have anything to say to him and ignored all his efforts. BTW that marriage was over within months, maybe even weeks, if I’m not mistaken.

I met my husband about 3 months later with a high, high guard up. But I’ll explain our story another time. After about 8 or so months Chris was going to be in town and really wanted to get together to talk. Having met Igor I was in a better place to try and listen. As I was still ignoring him however, he reached out to me via his mom and I told her that if he was serious, then for him to call me when he was back in town… Yeah, that call never happened. THEN a little over a year later he reached out :again: and firmly made it known that it was imperative that I give him a chance to explain himself. That he had so much to say and that “I more than anyone deserved an apology in person.” Uh… Igor and I were in such a great place that I was conflicted and concerned for his feelings about my meeting up with Chris. Like, this would be the first time in close to 2 years since we’ve actually spoken. I didn’t want Igor feeling concerned or anything but I knew he trusted me and when I asked him permission (and no, of course I knew that I didn’t {need} his “permission” – it was more about showing my respect for his feelings!) he didn’t sound too happy but knew that deep down, I needed this closure in order to really move on and heal. He told me that he’d respect my decision either way but deep down I knew he was on eggshells. Little did I know, the same day that I asked Igor about my getting together with Christopher, was the same day he received what he hoped would be my engagement ring…

We made plans to meet for lunch a few days later. He wanted to come to the house but Mom didn’t think she was ready to see him, given everything. So we planned to meet at a local diner where I waited, and waited, and as it turned out – that day became the first and last time that I have EvEr eaten by myself at a restaurant. Fker stood me up!! Seriously?! I was beyond fuming at this point when I received a call as I was driving home. He called beggggggging me to meet up with him right then, claiming he slept through his alarm because his phone died or something, who the eff knows. I was too weak to say no, and ultimately I’m -glad- that I didn’t, but part of me wishes I was strong enough to have just said, “F.U.”

Igor was right, I needed that closure. I knew that our relationship was progressing but in order for me to fully drop my wall, to be authentically raw and 100% vulnerable in my love and trust for him, I needed this.
I’ll admit, it was hard seeing Christopher at first. He’s always had this charm and charisma about him that no one can withhold smiling back when he smiles at you. I kind of hate him for that, joking::notjoking:: He told me first and foremost that I deserved so much more than an apology, that there are no excuses for his actions and that he hated himself for the hurt he had caused me. He loved and respected me too much, to not apologize and explain himself in person. He knew that nothing he was going to say was going to fix or make things better, and that he would understand if I still held resentment, though of course hoped I wouldn’t. He really wanted to apologize to Mom but he understood and asked me to pass his sincere apologies on to her. It was this conversation where I learned about him being an addict. That he was so messed up in the evenings that he couldn’t recall half of our conversations. Essentially, our entire “relationship” was while he was under the influence and he was basically living a double life without realizing it. You smell bullshit, right? Cause, same! The more we talked, the easier it got to see his side of things and my wall of anti-trust was starting to crumble. That said, forgiving and forgetting are two very different things. I could feel the genuine sincerity behind his words and forgiveness crept in. I told him about Igor and he claimed that he had never seen my face or eyes light up the way they do when I talk about him. He could tell how truly in love I was and apologized that he couldn’t be that person for me. He was thrilled for me because I deserved better and that until he was in a good place with himself, that he couldn’t be that person for anyone; he knew he had a lot of work to do.

Saying goodbye to Chris was easier than expected. We hugged and went our separate ways. I called Igor as soon as I got into my car and started bawling… Ha, I can only imagine what must have been going through his mind at that second seeing as he had just gotten a ring for me days prior. The tears I shed were relief, forgiveness, happiness, hopefulness, and so much more. I was relieved that the weight of all this negative energy was lifted off my shoulders, I was able to forgive and kickstart my healing to truly move on and leave it all in the past, and for that -I was happy-! Most of all, I was hopeful for my future with Igor. Meeting up with Christopher was exactly what I didn’t realize I truly needed. I was at peace; and within just a few short hours:

I was also engaged!!

{I wanted to end this post with that very last sentence, but I felt it necessary to give an update: It took a couple more years but he finally did it! If I’m not mistaken, I believe he recently celebrated 9 years of continuous sobriety. He has since married and had children. Which, of course, is great but honestly? I care more about the fact that he went on to achieve his bachelors degree and then even his masters! He was able to attain his ultimate dream of becoming a professional sports reporter and is currently a director of public relations and broadcasting! I could not be prouder or happier for him and his success!! You know the whole “once you love someone you always will” thing I keep mentioning? It’s true, I do love Christopher; but something  I have come to realize as the years have passed and with the help of therapy, is that after Asshole, I went for safety. Chris had always been special to me, [a true friend], even though he always wanted more for us. I never could love him the way that he wanted/needed, the way that I had loved Kevin or my husband. Maybe deep down he always knew that. While this is speculation, I believe that what transpired could very well have been his own subconscious way of protecting the both of us. It sucked and hurt so much at the time, but looking back, I wasn’t being fair to him to begin with. Maybe that’s why saying goodbye to him was easier than I had expected. Subconsciously I knew that I loved him fiercely, but only ever at arms length as a true friend.}

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Exhausted.

When you’re tired of, well… everything and you’re stuck in limbo, it’s really difficult staying motivated to be productive. So much planning, so many ducks needing to be lined up exactly in the perfect row, so much packing, so many unanswered questions, so many decisions needing to be made… like I don’t mind doing the above, it’s trying to care to do everything else that’s the problem.

I hate clutter, it drives me crazy, overstimulates and triggers my anxiety. I become paralyzed from being overwhelmed due to my ADHD. <- Is it still considered hyperactive as an adult when you certainly don’t have the energy to even think about being hyper? The problem is, no one else seems to be bothered by any of it. So unless I am on top of keeping everything organized and put away, it sits. Until I do it.

I’m exhausted.

I get it, my husband works all day and he shouldn’t be in charge of everything else, too. We’re supposed to be a partnership, but when I’m sick – he’s on single dad duty and I >know< how much more that adds to his plate. It’s not fair to him, I agree! And he does help out keeping on top of the dishes, garbage and our cat’s litter box on his own, but maybe picking up a dish or cup off the kitchen table when they’re not in use wouldn’t be so bad? Again, I get it, he has so much on his mind for work, bills, trying to maintain my love language’s bucket, etc. that his brain is preoccupied. I get it. I do! But is it really that hard to walk your soda can over to recycling instead of leaving it anywhere else? Or leaving their socks right where they take them off? (Ha. I know most wives feel me on this one! Husband’s too, I’m not excluding any significant others; I just tend to hear more about it from wives. ;-p) And NO, this isn’t a passive aggressive way of harping on him, these are examples of conversations previously had. It should also be noted that while we are a partnership, he is hardwired from generations of “women take care of the household and children” coming from a Russian culture. He absolutely believes it should be a partnership but I am the one home, so when I’m not sick it should be more on me. Again, I agree!!!

Though it doesn’t change the fact: I’m exhausted.

Then there’s the kids who, well anyone who’s had children or been around them for any amount of time, understands how they’re mini tornados that don’t care what they leave in their wake. Kid’s are the worst when it comes to all things clutter. I mean, my oldest has admitted he doesn’t like cleaning his room (what child does?, besides my Lori-Lou [02. & 11.]) as he too has extreme ADHD, so the overwhelming thoughts of where to begin, I understand. However, there is also legitimate truth behind his thriving in the organized chaos he creates.

Just looking into his room, I’m exhausted.

It’s been 2 years of ciaos due to the pandemic and the battles between masks and vaccines. The weather cannot make up its mind so the constant switching of barometric pressure causes any dysautonomiac [06.HS/Diagnosis] their own personal hell! It’s hard enough just to get out of bed some days. Going through hormonal changes in your thirties, more unanswered health questions for why I’ve gained 25lbs in the past year. And now Russia is initiating what could very likely result in World War 3?

I’m exhausted.

Why bother organizing and putting everything away when you are just going to be demolishing their homes, at an unanswered time? Planning a kitchen remodel/new flooring is exhausting, but I enjoy it. I’m just struggling to find the motivation to clean up the clutter when I know my house will be -organized chaos- in hopefully >fingerscrossed:knocksonwood< short order. But with the pandemic and what Russia has just done to Ukraine, all uncertainties are even higher up in the air. Looking around and seeing all the… stuff, not only overstimulates and triggers my anxiety and overwhelms me to the point of paralyzation, it exhausts me.

I. Am. Exhausted.

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Awakening

“The vast majority of adults have never met themselves.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

This next paragraph is what I was initially referencing in my [husband appreciation] post. Where the “—– I have no idea where this is going to fit, however I need to write so I’m writing.” quote came from:

*Back in April 2006 I wrote: “Lately there are times I find myself escaping reality, with hopes to avoid the hardships life brings; and I end up looking away from my goals because I forget to believe.” <– Holy Hell! It’s been 16 years and I’m pretty sure this has been on repeat ever since I first wrote it. It’s actually fucking sad that It’s still relateable… I have worked so damn hard on myself a few times over these past 16 years only to be smacked in the face by my own ghost. What even were/are my goals? I know that I am not living the life I wanted, I’m barely living at all. The thing about always being in fight or flight is the reality of only knowing survival mode. I wonder if I’ll add this <-^-> to my blog/book/whatever TF it ends up as. <- [Evidently I chose: Blog…] Every time I end up in a good place I’m shortly knocked back down. Like, how terrible must I have been in a previous life? This isn’t about learning at this point. I’ve learned gratitude and strength and all that bullshit. There is literally no point as to why I have to deal with this time and time again! Effin’ A!*

^ That said, I have recently entered a new phase, er, [season] if you will, that has left me lost and unsure of what comes next. After I was diagnosed with PMDD things were under control for about a year, until they weren’t. Out of nowhere I spiraled and things went dark, very dark. And scary. FAST! I am so grateful for knowing myself and after years of therapy, that I was able to recognize that I needed intervention and I sought it right away. It took time and the right medication dosage/ combination but I found peace within my mind. I love self-help workbooks, answering questions about myself or how I’m feeling. I guess (and I’m realizing this right now as I type this) that I enjoy writing. Like truly enjoy sharing my truth whether just for myself or whatever, putting pen to paper has always been my go to without realizing it. I like details and therefore like providing details. Interesting… Maybe this is my calling and what I’m meant to do after all. Good thing I started it, huh?

Anyway, ::tangent over:: part of my reaching out for help included asking my therapist if she knew of any workbooks that would allow me to work on myself. More importantly, allow me to find myself, as I had been lost in the sea of -everything else but Jena- for far too long. I didn’t know who I was outside of being a wife, Mom, sick. I knew that inorder to find joy and work through this severe episode of PMDD, I needed to find the missing piece to fill the void in my heart. The void I didn’t really know existed until I realized how empty I was. Michaelene recommended The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive by Christopher Germer and Kristin Neff. OHEMGEE I believe everyone and their mother needs to get this workbook! Of course by ‘mother’ I just mean everyone, because just do it. You’ll thank me later, I know from experience…

But seriously, after only a few chapters into this thing, I felt like an entirely new person. But I wasn’t someone I didn’t recognize or someone else entirely.

No – I was me.

I found a part of me that had been suppressed for most of my life, especially my adult life. It’s honestly mind blowing when you have these crazy revelations let me tell ya. The whole “light bulb” going off feelings is legit. Everything is illuminated in a way you didn’t even know was possible. However, while things were starting to unfold I was still not getting to the true bottom of WHO I really [AM], not just who I had buried… So, since workbooks are my jam, I started to research what other books were out there and came across Becoming Who You Are  – A Workbook For Self Discovery + Transformation by Danna Yahav. All I can say is, WOW! SO many rabbit holes to go down, so much unpacking needing to be done. I thought my mind was a crazy ADD spiral of endless loops and turns to begin with, but dannnng. A LOT of mind bending, explosive, endless, rabbit holes. I have also fortunately connected with the author via social media and she affirmed my >bravery<, which I didn’t realize I needed to hear until she said it. <3

With all of the above said, while I love and HIGHLY recommend the mindful self-compassion workbook, if you find yourself on your own {spiritual} quest for discovering yourself, Danna’s workbook is exactly what you need. Just be forewarned and prepared, ha. However, thanks to this specific workbook I am discovering so much about how the lunar cycles in whichever sign it’s passing though actually resonates with me; and thanks to the daily logging I am finding that I am holding myself accountable a lot more and gaining even more confidence to say “EF it, I’m doing it!” In fact, It was through working with this workbook that pushed me to finally start publishing my blog posts publicly!

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12. Life Detour

“Life is a journey with almost limitless detours.”
― Ken Poirot

As you know, I got my GED. However, I just so happened to receive it before I turned 18 and before my class actually graduated, allowing me to get a head start at college. Taking the GED reminded me of every other “standardized test” I’d ever taken. I was both extremely nervous but also oddly calm. The test itself was relatively easy and I actually scored between the 90th-99th percentile in every area. I was shocked and found humor in the fact that I had struggled for so long, for… this? I guess the schools were [right] in that my IQ was “too high” and I mastered finding a way to “over compensate” for my struggles. ::hard, hard eye roll:: – {maybe even a middle finger or two…}

I started at the local community college because it was >free< via my FAFSA and Federal Student Aid eligibility. I grew up watching Matlock, Murder She Wrote and all Law & Orders with Auntie (along with many other classics) that I loved the idea of being a detective, buuuuut I could never see myself as an actual cop. I may have loved the idea but it was never actually a dream. Becoming a pediatric nurse had been my dream since I was about 12 and really started getting sick. There was this one particular nurse at my pediatrician’s office that helped make my visits less daunting. Her compassion, smile, kindness… She was everything I wanted to be for a sick child one day!

Oh, hello water works – didn’t expect to see you here!

As time went on and I got further into school, I really started wondering if I wanted to be either a surgeon or maybe even a medical examiner. There is this book series called, Stalking Jack the Ripper by Kerri Maniscalo that couldn’t be more perfect for me! It’s about this young lady, Audrey Rose Wadsworth, who is essentially a forensic scientist and medical examiner during a time it was absolutely not an acceptable job for a woman, as it’s set in the late 1880’s. The first book in the series was my lucky number 22 for that 10 book reading challenge I kicked ass at [07. Ode to my Mentors]. How appropriate that my now favorite book (series) was the last book in what I consider to be my greatest achievement to date?! Not only that, 22 actually is my favorite and lucky number making it that much more meaningful! <3 Talk about synchronicity!

I may have questioned being a surgeon or an ME but that would require a lot of work, health, dependability, stability and confidence. Things I couldn’t provide. I just didn’t have it in me to try pursuing something that may only lead to major heartbreak, again. Little did I know that life is just filled with heartbreak after heartbreak; you’d think I would have learned that by then… doh.

The wait list for nursing school was so long that I took many random electives to expand my knowledge since I loved learning. I have always been a puzzle girl so discovering forensic science quickly became a new passion and goes right along with the idea of an ME or a detective – figuring out the missing link to a puzzle. It only took one criminalistics lab class and I was hooked! I was still at the community college but got everything set up for transferring to Madonna University to major in Forensic Science and minor in Genetics. I chose Madonna because they are (or were? This was over 12 years ago so idk what’s what nowadays.) the only college in Michigan that had an actual major for Bachelor of Science in Forensic Science. Every other college requires a chemistry major with a forensic minor and that was just not going to work for me…

I like chemistry, don’t get me wrong, but it’s definitely not something I’d like to major in. Ironically there is so much emotion when chemistry comes to mind at this point that it’s kind of a rollercoaster. Before I get to the main culprit for the emotions I have to share some pride, first. I have two incredibly gifted children, the oldest being ALL things science. He decided when he was 7 that he wanted to be a rocket engineer and help put man on Mars. We’re a few years into this and it’s still his dream! However, before that while he was 6 and in the first grade, he started memorizing the periodic table and learning everything he could about all of the elements. When I say he is all things science, I mean it. The kid was the element Oxygen for halloween in second grade… he may be difficult at times but boy do I love him!

Okay, breathe… the culprit for the rollercoaster is that on September 21, 2009 I was in a very serious car accident… on my way to a chemistry class. It was the day we were getting our first exam results back, and to this day I have no idea what I scored. I was turning left getting off the expressway when someone ran a red light at full speed and t-boned my driver’s side door. You know how in movies or shows when there’s an accident everything slows down? When you can see everything happening but there’s nothing you can do for what feels like minutes, when in reality it’s literally mer seconds? Yeah, whoever writes those scenes has clearly, unfortunately, experienced a major accident because that’s legit how it went down. At the last moment I tried turning to the right so the impact wasn’t as bad. The car was totalled and with the extent of my injuries, I don’t even want to fathom how much worse it would have been! When everything slowed down and I knew it was happening, I remember just letting go and letting it happen. I apparently opened the door and yelled a few choice words but didn’t get out of my car. I couldn’t. I apparently was able to call Igor at work and tell him but I only vaguely remember it. I also know I called one of my parents, not sure who, but I remember some older gentleman staying with me talking on my phone as I was trying to describe my health issues. Or maybe he called them? No idea. Then everything went black until I awoke in the ambulance to the EMT cutting my jeans. This is totally trivial and vain but those were my favorite jeans, dammit! They were like the sisterhood of the traveling pants, except the sisterhood was the traveling weight I yo-yoed!

I don’t remember much after waking up during transport but I do know that Igor was Speed Racer and made it from work in Brighton to the hospital before I even arrived. For reference, that’s easily a half hour drive and I was only one mile from the hospital. My mom was scheduled for neck surgery the next day and I remember us both crying because we couldn’t be there for one another. I had gotten a concussion but was never told about it, I found out years later after the lawsuit was finalized and I got all the paperwork from my lawyer! With EDS [06. H.S/ Diagnosis] my left shoulder completely rotated and due to swelling the initial CT scan and MRIs didn’t show it, but I had suffered a spinal injury. We knew something was wrong because I couldn’t feel from the waist down, but I still had some movement. I was stable enough to head home, without answers, after 5 days and barely any memory from the time of the accident through my time in the hospital. I started physical therapy 3 times a week for my shoulder and learning to walk safely without feeling. During the next 3 months sensation slowly started creeping up my left leg and then eventually my right foot on up. However, my right side has never gained 100% full feeling back. After those 3 months I had graduated from PT and roughly 3 months after that I was back getting new MRIs and reaching out to spinal/ neurosurgeons.

During those first 3 months of uncertainty I had to put my forensic plans on hold, leaving me at a complete loss of what to do next. Igor had suggested possibly looking into a quick certification that would allow me to do school remotely while I healed, while also allowing me to work eventually as I continued pursuing my degree in forensics. You see, Igor and I had just gotten engaged ONE month prior to the accident and our engagement timeline was in accordance to my finishing my degree. While unmarried, I qualified for most of my tuition being covered but once we got married that qualification would be kicked to the curb. This accident turned my life plans upside down, breaking my heart, yet again. Being that becoming a nurse most of my life had been my dream, I went the medical assisting route and became a Certified Medical Assistant under the gold standard accreditation of the American Association of Medical Assistants.

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11. Childhood Friendships +

‘Childhood friendship is the most beautiful memory that can never be replaced.’ – Unknown

Lauren; my sissy-poo, has already been discussed a bit back in post [02. Dad] – but after 6th grade she moved about 35/40 minutes away for her mom’s new job. You always grow apart when people move, however we’re ~family~. We may not have seen each other often but we remained very close. Anytime we did get together it was like no time had ever passed, we never skipped a beat. Update: she’s still very much a part of my life (30 years this year!) and prior to Covid we tried to get together monthly with our moms. She made me an Auntie and it’s the best feeling knowing that our kids are going to grow up together. Even if mine are older, lol.

I’ve mentioned my tiny but mighty, strong willed friend Jessie [06. High school] but I haven’t really discussed her. Jessie has a twin sister, Jenna, so it’s ironic that while I was friends with both of them, Jessie and I were closer. They were a year younger and lived across the street from Lauren. Small world moment, when their mom stopped working to have them, my dad was hired to replace her at his current job. We didn’t find that out until many years later. Also an ironic fun fact, my mom had a nanny, who then went on to work for my dad’s boss (before he was my dad’s boss) and then quit working for his boss to work for my parents (again, before he was my dad’s boss). Seriously crazy 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon we’ve got going on over here! Their mom was (is?) an alcoholic and they were very much victims to life with an addict parent. There were a few times throughout our friendship that their mom didn’t want them hanging out with me for no other reason other than her need to control. Which sucked because Jess and I were best friends. We were basically inseparable in middle school. By the time Jessie was in 11th grade, life at home was so bad that she actually moved in with my mom and I. That’s why she was with us that day seeing the principal. She was also with us because around that time, Jessie – your typical straight A/B+ student, decided she was done with high school bullshit and dropped out. Figured I was going for my GED. Why shouldn’t she? … Like I said, a victim of life with an addict parent. Update: I’ll always love her and wish her well, but unfortunately the friendship was just too toxic to maintain. She met my husband once after we were engaged, though I haven’t seen her since.

Closest friends by grade in high school:

9th grade: Annie, Teisha (the new girl in 8th grade [from 10. Twin Flame] and Tiffany. Teisha and Tiff both moved to other states for 10th grade and yet I have maintained friendships with them both. I was actually part of Teisha’s wedding and flew out to Seattle to witness Tiff’s. To this day Teisha and I joke about how we actually met because how can we not?

10th grade: Jennifer and Eric. These two went on to get married just after high school but unfortunately Eric was in a terrible hit and run accident that left him with severe brain damage. Their marriage may have ended but they are still very close and I commend Jenn’s current husband for not feeling threatened by their maintained friendship!

11th grade: Jami and Shannon. Shannon’s mother was my chorus teacher’s assistant teacher, whom I was very close to as well, and cousins with a coworker of mine at Claire’s. It was actually Shannon’s birthday the day I returned from the Mayo Clinic for the first time [06. High School/Diagnosis] and the day I had my first car accident. Oh, welcome home Jena and happy birthday to you Shannon. What a way to spend your 17th birthday. Ugh, sorry Shan!

Jami… my Jaymlinn. Jami had a difficult past to say the least and wasn’t the most well behaved teenager because of it. She was a sponsored skateboarder but her poor choices took that away from her. She was sent to live with her uncle and his husband in hopes of turning things around. That’s where I enter the picture. Jami and I met in Health Occupations class the first day of junior year. There was just this cosmic magnetic pull between us. I really cannot explain it, but she was meant to be in my life and I, her’s. She never took things too seriously and just wanted to have fun. She was an incredibly smart, kind, considerate girl. A short story writer, singer/songwriter and artist – but unless you really knew her, she just appeared as an aloof, slow, stoned – but not – stoned teenager. But I can assure you she was so much more. When we first became friends her uncles couldn’t get over the change in her. I apparently was such a good influence that they wanted me around all of the time, ha, ha. It must be the empathic healer in me. I didn’t know it because she stopped drinking when we were hanging out, but she was an alcoholic. And knowing her past I don’t blame her for trying to shut out the noise, I just wish she had the chance to in a healthier way!!

Somewhere along the way Jami fell in love with me. I had no idea and I can only imagine what it did to her when Kevin and I were good. One night at a party we were playing truth or dare. Her friend must have known or suspected her feelings towards me because he dared me to kiss her. No problem, kissing whore, remember? Jami certainly wasn’t the first girl I had kissed but I was apparently her’s. She struggled with her sexuality and that kiss just made things more confusing. For us both. In middle school there was one girl at the skatin’ rink from a different school whom I always joked around with and we called each other each other’s girlfriend. The boys went crazy over it, especially when we kissed [we never made out or anything, just a simple peck].<- Man, I really was bad… We never hung out or saw one another other than at the rink but everyone [knew] we were “girlfriends.” The joke kind of faded as highschool went on and the only time we ever talk now is via Facebook when we wish each other a ‘happy birthday’, seeing as we share the SAME birthday… and similar name, lol.

I had known I was interested in some way to both boys and girls for years, but I never really entertained the idea of actually dating a girl. In fact, it took me until my 30’s to be able to fully understand and define myself. I always said I was attracted to the person for who they are, which is true. I need to have a true emotional connection with someone to allow myself to be vulnerable or intimate with them. I’m simply unable to just look at someone off the street and desire them, but I never really thought anything of it. Then one day I read the words “Biromantic Demisexual”. Upon researching meanings I discovered exactly where I stand. I have always described myself as exactly how those two words together, is defined. Hi, I’m Jena and I am a biromantic demi woman.

I was very confused when I started to develop feelings for Jami, because, well.. Kevin. Even though Kev and I may have been “broken up” we were never [really] broken up. We still talked daily, hung out, hooked up and still shared “I love yous”. We didn’t have the label but we also didn’t try pursuing anything with anyone else. At this particular point in time I was technically single but I still felt as though I was cheating. However, I couldn’t stop myself from being close to her, kissing her. I felt as though I was this whole different person experiencing my first love. I was so confused I started to pull away and she started to slip. She started drinking again, hanging out with the wrong group of people and dropped out of school. Yup, I’m the asshole.

I certainly did love Jami; it was a type of love I’ve only ever experienced once and I know I won’t ever again. Update: we’ve been in touch here and there throughout the years but really only via Facebook or text messaging. As it turns out, she was actually diagnosed with Autism as an adult and looking back it makes a lot of sense. We did get together once to catch up for the first time in easily a decade, shortly after my youngest was born. It was nice to see her but she admitted her feelings came right back the instant she saw me annnnnd I exited stage right. I felt bad, I still do, but that’s not something I can take on. She’s a part of my past that I’ll smile upon when I think about, but in my current life we’ll only ever be a memory. I do check in from time to time because I genuinely do care for her wellbeing. [empathic healer, remember?] I wish her nothing but happiness and success, which seems to be working in her favor as she’s been 100% sober for some time now and is getting married later this year!

12th grade: Sheri. Sheri used to live 3 houses down and across the street until she moved to Florida in high school. I was so sick by this point that all of my ‘friends’ had [forgotten] me. Out of sight out of mind, ya know? Sheri and I had always been friends but it was when I was sick that we were our closest. My best and essentially only friend lived thousands of miles away, how sad is that? I owe so much to her; I don’t think she truly understands how special and important she was to me and how much I’ll always be grateful for her! I admit and apologize that I unknowingly took advantage of her friendship. She went above and beyond for me while I visited Florida twice for spring break, celebrating my 18th and 19th birthdays. But when it came to her visiting Michigan and trying to move back here, I wasn’t around. I promise it wasn’t intentional and looking back I feel terrible knowing that I more than likely let her down. I am not going to sit here and try to make excuses for why I was [selfish] because there’s no excuse for letting your best friend down. Period. I own it and will never stop apologizing. Update: She did move back to Michigan but we weren’t in contact much. She has since moved back to Florida with her husband and we’re friends on Facebook. She is working towards her Masters in Social Work and with her love and compassion, her clients will be beyond lucky being under her care! She was the best thing I could have asked for, better than I may have deserved; I will forever be eternally grateful for her love and support during the worst time of my life. I honestly may not have made it through without her!

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10. Twin Flame

“When connections are real, they simply never die. They can be buried or ignored or walked away from, but never broken. If you’ve deeply resonated with another person or place, the connection remains despite any distance, time, situation, lack of presence, or circumstance… If it was truly real, you’ll be instantly swept back into the moment it was before it left- with the same wonder and hope, comfort and heartbeat. Real connections live on forever.”
– Victoria Erickson

Let’s talk friends. A not so smooth transition I know but I don’t know how else to discuss them as I’m writing this kind of chronologically. Let’s just see how it goes…

I think I need to start with Marion. My Mary-Kathrynn, June Bug and Moe. Marion and I met when we were 2 when my cousins’ lived in the house across the street from her. Mom actually ended up buying the house from my uncle after the divorce so I grew up across the street from her from ages 4-21. Our friendship has been nothing short of a roller coaster. Are you familiar with the concept of “twin flames”? I know I briefly mentioned it when talking about my Mom and Maria but, if you are not familiar with it, let me explain…

Sarah Regan wrote in her article, What Is A Twin Flame? 11 Signs You’ve Found Your “Mirror Soul” that, “every relationship has something to teach us and twin flames are often considered the ones that will teach us the most. A twin flame is an intense soul connection with someone thought to be a person’s other half, sometimes called a “mirror soul.” It’s based on the idea that sometimes one soul gets split into two bodies. One of the main characteristics of a twin flame relationship is that it will be both challenging and healing. This is due to the mirroring nature of a twin flame; they show you your deepest insecurities, fears, and shadows. But they also help you overcome them and vice versa—your twin flame will be equally affected by you.”

Marion and I may have lived across the street from one another most of our lives, but we weren’t always on the best of terms. And it’s not even that we were necessarily fighting, we just drifted in and out from each other’s lives for various reasons. She too was a victim to life with an alcoholic parent and she spent a lot of time at my house. I consider Lauren my sissy-poo but I’d be lying if I didn’t see Marion as one at times. It wasn’t until recently that I came to the realization that she’s without a doubt my twin flame. Our friendship had its challenges but when push came to shove, we were always there for eachother when we needed one another the most. I still have numerous cards and notes from her over the years expressing how we may drift but she’ll always come back to me. And it’s true, she does.

In high school we had completely different friends. She and Jessie did not get along, at all. I don’t know if it was insecurity or jealousy but if I was playing with one and the other showed up at my house unannounced, one would end up leaving. <- Is that even still a thing? Do kids still just show up at their friend’s houses like it’s their own home? My kids barely want to play with their friends outside of school so I have no idea what’s common these days. Ha. Her and my brother had some weird thing for each other and while I know I wasn’t innocent, sometimes her behavior left me concerned. She started dating this guy that I did not get along with. 5 years later they were briefly engaged and I’m so glad she dodged that one! In fact, this same guy told the new girl in 8th grade (during the summer when they met) not to talk to some girl by the name of [insert my name here] because of how much of a bitch she was. During first period on the first day of school I noticed someone new and I went and introduced myself. Some bitch, huh? I let this poor girl go on and on about what he said and she couldn’t get over how kind I was for taking the time to welcome her. Our teacher started doing attendance and when my name was called, I’m fairly certain she went through every shade of red imaginable. Talk about inserting your foot into your mouth. Ha, ha. Luckily for her I’m not the bitch she was told to fear and we became really good friends!

So yeah, it’s kind of hard to maintain a friendship with someone when they are dating someone who was really butt hurt because you turned them down in 6th grade. Good grief. Then there was the time when she came to my brother for weed and I told her mom. ::hides face:: Okay, I did it out of concern, not out of spite. Like  I said, her behavior really started changing over night and I didn’t recognize her anymore. Annnd Kevin may have had a hand in convincing me. Him and Marion didn’t really get along either because she didn’t like how I’d let him back into my life after all the hurt in the past. But also, maybe I was a bit jealous over her new friendships and subconsciously projected it as concern? Idk. All I know is that it was a huge mistake that cost us almost 2 years without speaking. It wasn’t until our graduation parties that we started to rebuild our friendship that turned into the best time of our relationship. From 18-24 we were on the best of terms and I didn’t think anything could break what we had built. She was at my college commencements when I walked across the stage for the first time and she was my maid of honor at my wedding. However, unfortunately, that didn’t last. Once again, the tumultuous relationship between twin flames.

Things started to go downhill when I was pregnant with my oldest. Her husband had recently been deployed right around the time I found out I was expecting. It was very difficult on her and I wasn’t able to be there for her as we both would have hoped. I didn’t realize things were as bad as they were because she never told me. I was SUPER sick during that time and I couldn’t really do much of anything. I couldn’t drive and we lived about an hour away from one another at that point. She slowly started pulling back as depression took over. She had a lot of attitude with my mom over throwing my baby shower and hit below the belt a time or two. It was rough. It was especially rough when my son was born a month early and my bff was nowhere to be seen. He’s 9 and they’ve never met…  in fact, I have only seen her in person 4 times since my baby shower. Her father’s funeral 2 years later, her mother’s funeral 4 years after that, a few months after her mother’s passing we met up to talk about everything that had happened, and then again for dinner this past summer, 3 years later. Her not being around was so incredibly difficult and heart breaking for me, but just like any twin flame relationship – I grew and learned so much about myself during that time, it was almost necessary. I couldn’t be who she needed me to be and I have since learned that neither could she, for me.

After her dad passed I had so many mixed emotions about going to pay my respects, but there’s no way I couldn’t not go. I may have been hurt by her actions but that doesn’t take away from the hurt she was experiencing. At the time I didn’t know they had the chance to reconcile so going into it my heart was that much heavier for her! It was good to see her but after we left my husband asked me if I hoped anything would come of this and I honestly didn’t care if they did or didn’t. We didn’t talk again until she called to tell me of her mother’s passing. I had suspected something as I was still friends with her sister in law on Facebook but I didn’t know for sure. I about threw up when I saw her name appear on my phone. I didn’t want to answer but I knew I had to. My grandfather had just recently passed so I was especially a mixed bag of emotions. I was sad for her when I heard of the passing of her father, but hearing that her mother had died, cut me deep.

Being there, seeing her family, talking to her mother’s childhood best friend about how good it was to see me there or Marion. It was a lot. But in that moment I knew that it was time. It was finally time for us to heal and move forward. 

After a while we decided to meet up for coffee and talk everything through. After my oldest was born and I hadn’t heard from her in a while, I wrote her a letter expressing my feelings. It of course went unacknowledged until that coffee date. I mentioned how much it hurts knowing that your best friend has walked away from you twice due to your health. It’s definitely a knife to the heart kind of feeling and I went 6 years thinking that. She apologized and explained to me that it wasn’t anything I did, she just needed to work on herself before she could be there for anyone else. Which, I understand. It doesn’t take away the pain I experienced but I understand it. I had always liked her husband so hearing of the divorce saddened me. That was of course until I heard the reasoning behind it. But that’s not my story to tell and a tough topic, so I’ll just say: PTSD post war deploymentS. Which, that itself still saddens me because of how screwed over our veterans are!! Arg.. During that talk I discovered that her divorce was finalized the same week her mother passed away. OMfG talk about an emotional mind fk!! I honestly cannot imagine and while I wasn’t there for her during it, I was glad that I was able to be a part of her healing, however much or limited that may be! 

I had been blocked on Facebook (she had no memory of blocking me and suspects her ex-husband was to blame) so she unblocked me and we kept in touch that way. A comment here or there, a memory. Small things. I was going through a difficult time and while she didn’t know the details, she sent me a card to cheer me up. She saw a skeleton mermaid, thought of me, bought it and dropped it off. (Oh, if I haven’t already mentioned, Halloween is my jam and I AM a mermaid. Shhh.. don’t question anything, just go with it!) It felt good to reconnect but I still kept my arms extended so as to not allow myself to get too vulnerable. That’s probably why it took another 3 years before we got together again.

You know, the universe works in mysterious ways. Some say that there is a being, God, that is in control. Others believe in multiple gods and goddesses. Then there’s those who don’t believe in anything and that what is, just is. I myself am spiritual and believe in everything being energetically connected. How that is, I don’t have an answer for you; I can only mention my beliefs from what I have experienced myself. There is no way of knowing for sure during this lifetime, as this physical being. Just be a good person and everything will be good, dammit! All of that was said to lead up to an example of how strongly Marion and I are connected. I don’t typically dream and when I do, I rarely remember them. We hadn’t talked in a while which makes this all the crazier! One night I had a dream and all I can recall is her walking up this grand staircase in the most beautiful wedding gown. I had never seen her so radiant. I mean, I knew she was dating someone but had no idea how serious things were. After a few days I texted her to tell her about it, never expecting the response I received. You see, it just so happens that her now fiance had bought her a ring just a few days prior! They were not officially engaged as of yet and she hadn’t told anyone, and yet, I picked up on it! She ended up telling me the story and I just get chills thinking back. Like, I know we’re not the best of friends these days, but knowing I was the first she actually spoke to about it, warms my heart. She even said that it just felt right that I would be.

She had moved away to a beautiful tourist town a few hours away for a job. It just so happened that Igor and I were going up there for our first vacation away just the 2 of us since our honeymoon {10 years prior!}. While in town we met up for dinner and she had me in tears as she apologized to Igor, because even though he had been nothing but amazing towards her, the fact she hurt me so much had to have hurt him, too. Now that’s growth done right! She has since moved back this way and is living with her new fiance. Update: only time will tell where our paths will cross again and what is to come of our friendship. I just know that we are connected in a way that cannot be explained and I am who I’ve become because of her. I wish her nothing but love, light and happiness!

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09. First Love


“if you will think back of your first love, you will for sure remember a lot of great LITTLE things that will bring so much happiness in you” – Naya River

As I mentioned briefly before, I fell into that 1% of patients who would end up needing a repeat surgery on my knees. Ironically, my physical therapist after my car accident (we’ll get to that…) also fell into that one percent and her birthday was the day after mine! This surgery took place during the summer before my junior year. I had already been having undiagnosed autonomic dysfunction for months but everything amplified to the max after that surgery. My body was in it’s own storm of chaos. 

It was weeks after this surgery that my high school sweetheart and I broke up. Again. No it wasn’t the first time and it wasn’t the last, but it was the beginning of the end. Mind you, he was with me during that surgery – waited with my parents – and was the first one I saw in recovery. He was more than just my boyfriend, he was truly my best friend and had been for years. He had been my rock and the one consistent thing in my life while everything else flipped upside down. The heartbreak from that breakup was beyond shattering. It felt as though I lost a part of my own soul. I was already broken, but it was then that I knew nothing would ever be the same. And it hasn’t.

I have to be honest and say that the thought of going into detail about this relationship makes me wanna throw up. It would be fair to say that my anxiety is off the charts. One, because of how much Kevin meant to me for so long, but also because I don’t want to hurt my husband. I might say/word some things in a way that he may not understand and I fear he might take them the wrong way. However, this is my truth; I will do my best to stay authentic while also respecting Igor’s feelings. I apologize now, babe, if you are hurt in any way!! Please know this was never my intention!

Fahhhh… 

First let me just preface this and thank C.M. Stunich for writing H.A.V.O.C.; it has allowed me to better understand and accept that you can absolutely still love your “first love” while also loving your husband. It may be fiction but it definitely rings true in my heart; and while the following is also fictional, I think what Helen tells Tyler in Sweet Magnolias about first loves, accurately and beautifully sums it up.
“You let them into your heart to whatever degree, that leaves a mark – forever. The people we love first, maybe even before we fully know what it means to be loved, they’re with us from that day forward… and even when you try not to, you measure every person who comes after them against them. So I try to be grateful for what that person taught me about the world and about myself. But not let remembering the first keep me from seeing the next as the… completely unique and utterly marvelous… person they may be.”
^ – I’ve >ALWAYS< said that once you love someone, you’ll always love them – just differently. 

Okay… Kev and I met in elementary school, living 8 houses down from one another. He was a year ahead of me and his brother was a year behind. I ended up becoming good friends with his brother first, strangely enough. I would even go as far to say that I considered him a best friend at one point. I think back to those days and just laugh. I don’t know how or why but the big baggy “MC Hammer” pants were definitely a thing, though being a late 80’s child when I saw Kevin in his baggy pants, all I saw was Aladdin. Ha, ha. Oh the innocence of an 8 year old.

By 6th grade, you know having already.. [blossomed],  I was definitely noticed and receiving attention. I went through so many “boyfriends” in middle school it’s actually humorous to think about. However, I only wanted the attention of one boy – and in 7th grade that wish came true. One day after getting off the bus I was handed a note. Trying to stay cool and hide my fluttering butterflies I waited until I was home to read it. [Notes kind of became our thing for the next 4-5 years and I still have a box of them at my mother’s because I just couldn’t part with them.] That first note expressed his feelings for me and I about died inside. The next few notes, after explaining my shared feelings, were about how much he wanted to make sure he got good grades on his report card so that he could prove that he was responsible enough to have a girlfriend while still taking school and extracurriculars seriously. Then, in November of 2000 I officially became Kevin’s first girlfriend. But you see, we still had to keep it hush as he didn’t want his friends giving him a hard time for dating a [7th grader.] <- Damn girl, where was your self respect? Then, after a few short months he ended things without giving any reason. His brother told me it was because he was embarrassed and didn’t like getting a hard time from his friends. Fk you middle school peer-pressure! But, the notes started up again because he was like a moth to a flame; he couldn’t stay away. At first it was just platonic but obviously that didn’t last. We got back together only for my heart to be ripped out mid summer. Again.

About a month later I was at the local bowling alley for what they called, “Rock’n Bowl”. It was this glow bowling thing they put on for younger teens/tweens. I was with my ever so pushy best friend and she insistently dared me to kiss this boy in the lane next to us, who had been flirting with me all night. I was too chicken shit but between Jessie and his friends, it happened. Kevin, who? Hi, meet Roth. Roth had actually just started working at the skatin’ rink that I just so happened to frequent. It didn’t take long until he asked me out and I accepted. He was the first boy to ever buy me flowers (a dozen red roses for Sweetest Day) just a few short weeks after we started dating. I really cared for Roth but I always kept him at arm’s length because deep down my heart was always Kevin’s. We were together for a little over 6 months and shared “I love yous”. Did I really love him? I don’t know. At the time I sure probably thought so but I also didn’t really understand love. So yes, I’d say I did love him for what I thought/knew love to be at the time. Like I said, I did really care for him and had feelings for him (that whole once you love someone, you always love them kind of thing) for a couple years after we broke up. It took some time but after a few months we were able to be friends again and he was actually my date to my first Homecoming dance, freshman year. He wanted to get back together but I wasn’t interested. I was over boys breaking my heart..

Oh did Kevin hate Roth and vice versa. After Roth and I broke up, Kev and I started “talking” again. Damn flame and lack of self respect. LOL. No, this time I wasn’t letting myself get close enough to allow him to hurt me again. But, he was my best friend and we talked all the time. He pined over me all of my freshman year and I probably took advantage of it. Maybe unconscious revenge? Idk. I’d flirt with him and Roth and whoever else, really. Heck, on the 3rd day of school in 9th grade I made out with a guy named Christopher on the bus. Never met him before that day and our relationship was over before it began. He too pined over me and I probably took advantage of that as well. My mother really cared for Chris even though we were only friends at the time. Those 3 boys wanted my attention and fought each other for it. Not physically but definitely verbally trying to assert their claim for Alpha. Unfortunately for them, my attention lied elsewhere.

I had caught the eye of someone… a bit older; let’s call him Beau. See what I did there? Cheesy puns for days. It’s alright not to laugh, I’m ok with being my only fan. 😉 Alright, moving on, Beau was a manager at the rink and I had known him for a few years as an acquaintance. His sister kind of took me under her wing as a big sister/little sister when Lauren and I were up at the rink all the time in elementary school for her brother’s hockey practice/games. It was actually Beau’s younger brother that I crushed on haaarrd at first, but as did everyone else. The kid was very attractive! Being 5 ½ years older, Beau didn’t initiate anything at first, buuut I made it difficult for him not to. My bad. 

Uh, WAIT! – Yes technically I was ‘jailbait’ but I can honestly (without crossing my fingers) say that nothing R-rated happened between us until I was 17, just a few weeks shy of 18, nearly 4 years after we first started “talking.” We were basically just casually dating whenever I wasn’t in a relationship {aka whenever Kevin and I were on a break} for the next 4 years. He genuinely looked out for me and definitely let me know when he felt I was making wrong choices, almost like an older brother? at times. Except I fell in love at one point. Stupid girl!! No, I know that Beau loved me back but everything was just so complicated given the age difference and the different dynamics of our relationship that we never actually gave our relationship a fair chance. Plus, after we first kissed I realized how much of a mistake it was after my honesty left more heartache in its wake. 

You see, Kevin and I were hanging out a lot more at the end of my 9th grade year and that summer before 10th. We even officially shared our first kiss that summer. <3 First loves, man, let me tell ya! I remember that first kiss, as well as the first kiss once we were officially back together… and because I remember everything I even actually remember our last. Weird. Anywho – that summer was also the summer that Beau and I shared our first kiss. The mistake that led to heartache. 

I thought I was doing the right thing by being honest and telling Kevin what had happened. Apparently not because he was so hurt and angry that he wouldn’t talk to me for like 2 months. To go from talking literally every day to nothing, I was lost. Hurt. Confused. Angry. Heartbroken. Even though I was utterly head-over-heels in love with Kevin, I was more hurt over not having my best friend. Over knowing that I hurt him, while adding one more guy for him to hate. Though, once again, I received a note asking to talk after school. That talk happened on my front porch and ended with us officially getting back together. [That second ‘first kiss’ happened right then and there.] 

Ohhhhh the feels. As I type this I can literally feel what I felt during all of this. My chest is tight, my tummy is fluttering, I can barely catch my breath. Yeah, being an Empath is hard, I don’t recommend it!

We’ll come back to Kevin later… ::Pushes feelings away::

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08. Auntie

“An aunt is a safe haven for a child. someone who will keep your secrets and is always on your side” – Sara sheridan

So I’ve mentioned Auntie a couple of times but I haven’t touched on our relationship. Where do I even begin? I mean, it’s definitely safe to say that a part of the woman I’ve become is from what I’ve learned from her!

Back in 2018 she had a stroke that left her needing to live in a nursing home. Prior to the stroke she was likely in the very early stages of Dementia, which then the stroke caused rapid progression. At the time, we didn’t know how things were going to play out so as morbid as it may be, I had already written the bulk of her eulogy. I knew that when the time did officially come I would not be in a clear enough mindset to adequately put words together. So full disclosure, a good chunk of what I am about to share is copied and pasted…

It’s no secret how close we were. Whether it was a conscious effort or simply because she didn’t know any other way, anyone who crossed paths with Aunt Mary Lou knew my name – she made sure of it. For nearly 15 years I spent just about every weekend with her, as well as half of every summer. She made sure that my childhood was majestic- filled with an abundance of fun and adventure. She called me daily before school, and again the minute I got home. We shared everything from secrets and laughter, to plenty of arguments.

With her birthday being the end of August and school often starting on the 26th with a half day, she’d pick me up and we’d go out to lunch, Bill Knapps, naturally. Hello? Free cake! But of course Bill Knapps is just one restaurant that comes to mind when I think of her. There’s also: Breakfast at Denny’s, Lunch at Red Robin, Dinner at Sign of the Beef Carver (or “Beef Eater,” as we called it), and then New Year’s Eve at Red Lobster with shrimp cocktails and Shirley temples. Summers were spent at carnivals and pool side, enjoying freshly cut cantaloupe. I loved growing up at the pool, and knowing that tradition will live on with my kids, with their Papa and Gampy, makes my heart smile.

Just like any kid approaching their teenage years, I wanted to spend more time with my friends, and for me, that meant the skating rink and chatting online. When I was entranced on the computer chatting away, she was perfectly content just sitting quietly in the same room as me. And until I was old enough to stay out on my own, every Friday night, Auntie would show up to the roller rink and sit on a bench for 2 hours, just so I could continue hanging out.

When she was 70 she took me to Disney World and on a cruise for my 13th birthday. She loved to share that story, so it’s a worthy mention. We went to all 4 parks and downtown, just the 2 of us. We saw it all, whether she was walking, I was pushing her in a wheelchair, or even her failed attempt at using the electric scooter. Poor kids sure needed earmuffs that day… but the thing that stands out most, at 70 years old, this woman went on their thrill rides with me: Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster, The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, Fast Track, Thunder, Splash and Space Mountains. I have absolutely no idea how she pulled that off, especially with her fear of heights, but I’ll never forget it!

Obviously I would be here all day if I tried to recite all of my memories of our time together, because the memories are endless. Growing up she was my best friend, and I, according to her, “the love of her life.”

Auntie had an incredibly generous nature, and was always willing to give; especially when it came to family, which was so important to her. And because family was so important, I grew up knowing family I may not have known otherwise. Financially she supported me, as well as numerous other nieces and nephews, particularly when it came to our wardrobes. Any time I brought a friend with me for a sleepover, she went above and beyond. In fact, she was so good to my friends that when she broke her hip, they all wrote her “get well” letters that I combined into a folder for her, which she’s actually held onto all these years.

If I needed anything, she made sure I had it, and when I didn’t need something, she still made sure I had it. As I got older I may not have shown my appreciation as much, especially when she boasted about it, but I sincerely never took it for granted! I knew then, and will continue to know, just how fortunate I have always been!  And, while the obsessive phone calls in her later years may have brought some annoyance, I can tell you first hand that when the phone calls stop, it’s the first thing that you notice, and start to miss. March 21st, 2018 was the last time she was able to call me, I didn’t answer. And that is a regret that’ll always haunt me, but it’s also a reminder to not take anything for granted, even the day to day nuisances. However, due to Covid-19 and the banning of visitors at her nursing home, I was fortunate enough to start virtual weekly video calls during the summer of 2020 until her passing Nov. 21, 2021. I am also eternally grateful that I was able to sit with her, holding her hand, just days before her passing. 

Now, she wasn’t a saint, that’s for sure. As a young child I never really thought about why Uncle Mac didn’t live there with her, until I was old enough to realize that he lived at home, with his wife. I know that their relationship wasn’t [right], but you cannot deny the love they had for each other for over 35 years! I don’t doubt that he loved his wife, too (who knew of ML), but I understand it was complicated. He came from money and a higher status in society. Unfortunately he passed back in ‘03 and my aunt had to find out via an online obituary. Talk about heartbreaking!

She loved control and knew her way around manipulation. I know she meant well, but it still sucks looking back. Sometime before he passed, Uncle Mac gave Auntie money to put aside for me for my first car. When I turned 16 I was surprised with said car, only to find out I couldn’t have it yet. My aunt had a hard time believing I was sick, how could I be? I’m perfect. Ha, right… anyway, she thought I was just being the slack-off-teenager most in my family grew to be, that I wasn’t attending school because of that. So, she gave me a keychain and a letter the evening of my birthday, while we were sitting in my car, explaining that once I made it to school for 4 weeks straight, I could receive the keys to put on that keychain. Um, those 4 weeks never happened and after a few months I finally got my car. Again, I know she meant well but definitely went about it the wrong way.

Mary Lou Wiltse 8.26.30 – 11.21.21