Category: Current Life

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Time.

“Time is a created thing. To say ‘I don’t have time,’ is to say, ‘I don’t want to.’” — Lao Tzu

You know that feeling when someone reaches out to you that you haven’t spoken to in years? Especially when that someone was somebody really important in your life at one point in time. It makes you realize how many lives one can live within a single lifetime! The saying is that ‘life is short’ but in the moment it sure doesn’t feel like it. Counting the years add up quickly and it’s incredible how something can seem so familiar yet a distant memory at the same time. How accessing memories from the past can make you feel as though you’re right back there, living it all over again in real time. I’ve often joked that it’s a blessing and a curse to be able to recount and recall all that I do. Remembering certain dates, both good and bad. Wishing that it were easier for you to forget certain things, only to one day realize that a day came and went and you didn’t even think about its significance, once. Time is nothing but a relative term. My boss believes that it’s our most finite resource, and she’s not wrong, but it’s also just a relative concept, is it not? I don’t mean to get all philosophical on ya but seriously. Have you ever thought about it?  

It has been 11 months since my last entry and I find that just as hard to believe as the fact I am approaching the 2 year mark of employment with The Sisters Enchanted! Wanna know something crazy? I don’t remember my exact start date nor end date with Borders – but I know that it was just around this time mark; making TSE the LONGEST consecutive job I have ever held! WHAT?! Well, except motherhood, of course. Wild.

So what the hell has been going on for the last year? F if I know. Ha, ha! I mean, work was crazy busy the second half of 2023 and a good chunk into 2024. But sitting here reflecting I realize that as 2023 came to an end I was thrown POTS flair and battled extreme fatigue and all that comes with medication dysregulation. Not to mention that I had developed some new symptoms that we’re still trying to get sorted out. Instead of just passing out upon positional changes, I started passing out just arching or twisting my back ever so slightly. And having costochondritis with slipping ribs movement to simply breath is kind of necessary. I could literally be lying in bed stretching and the lights would go out. I could be working and if someone walked into my office, if I turned to look at them just right, down I went. We have absolutely no idea what could be the reasoning behind this new cause for syncope, but I am meeting with a new local Electrophysiologist later this month so we’ll see what he has to say. The only thing that has come up between my most recent echocardiogram and holter monitor is some regurgitation from both my Mitral and Tricuspid valves. So, I guess it’s fair to say I’ve just been exhausted and finding time, let alone motivation to write, just hasn’t been there.

However, the writing bug has bitten me recently so here I am, with an update.

You ready?…

>> I have decided to turn my writing into a book after all! <<

::Cue digital confetti::

I am not entirely sure when I decided to turn it into a book and obviously it’s going to take quite a while but slowly it’s getting there. I have already taken most of my entries and converted them and as I write more I will update the blog. There is still so much to say but instead of writing up something new when the inspiration fired, I got a head start on prepping the book. Do I think anything will come out of the book? No, not really; I know that I’ll have a few sales as it’ll likely be self published but the point is the follow through. Even if it is self published, I can still call myself a published author whenever that day comes. A goal I set out years ago and one I [WILL] see to the end! ::bowsdown::

SO – what else has been going on? Well, as I piece together and edit what I have for the book, I was reminded of something else that has triggered significant mental fatigue over the last year that has likely added to my lack of motivation to write. That being Leighton’s hormones triggering more psychological episodes and the fight to try and get him help! There are times where he is literally begging for help. He needs a psychiatrist but I cannot get anyone to call me back. No one responds to my emails and even with a primary care doctor trying to assist in my efforts… nothing! It’s maddening! Ever since Covid, finding mental health help has been nothing but a sick joke! Those comments about “not wanting to live” have turned into very real concerns about self harm. His doctor has warned him that he needs to choose his words wisely because we are obligated to take him to the hospital if he continues to say some of the things he says. I think that scared him enough because he is definitely making an effort to try to communicate better, but he himself is still scared that when he’s in a fit, and not thinking, that he will do something dangerous, not being able to logically think about the repercussions. He is concerned about harming himself because of how dark his mind gets. I am just so thankful that the lines of communication are still open and something he has found that helps is sketching out his feelings. Instead of writing a journal, which he did start and really appreciated being able to write whatever he wanted without fear of judgment or punishment, he draws symbols and whatnot to express what is going on for him. Can I decipher even half of it? Not at all, but I’m willing to listen if he wants to explain. There was one day while writing that you could see the whole process from his irrational thoughts, to working his way through them and then realizing where he was in the wrong, what could have been done differently and why he thinks things ended up the way that they did. Proud Mama doesn’t even begin to define how I felt when he shared that entry with me; even if there was an entire paragraph of seeming  just F-bombs.

Parenting is hard. So hard. On one hand we know he is very good at manipulation but the alternative of not taking his words seriously is not something I’m willing to play Russian roulette with. So alas, we’re back to trying our damndest not to upset him but boy do hormones take their toll!

And Kellan? Kel has just been an a-hole. He argues over everything. Complains over everything! Igor says that school ruined him and while I tend to agree, we can’t forget he’s always been my little neanderthal and a total stinker. 

In April I had to head back to the East coast for work and since I can’t travel alone, we decided to make it a family affair. It was the boys’ first time flying and they did really well! AND I didn’t pass out during either descent!! I found these new ear plugs that help with regulating air pressure and they were a literal game changer! Not only did I not pass out, I was also not curled over in the fetal position crying from pain. I have never been able to fly, ever, without my ears bringing me to tears! I have so much scar tissue in my eardrums that they can’t handle the pressure changes. I really wonder if I didn’t pass out because I wasn’t in pain, but also because my ear pressure was regulated? If that’s the case, then ya girl may be able to start traveling ALONE again! Oh wouldn’t that be the dream?! However, now that I know I can request a wheelchair both ways, that’s a game changer too! Who knows, maybe next year I won’t need Igor to assist me on my work trip!

Last year for work we went to Mystic, Connecticut and this year Salem, Mass! Witches loose in Salem, oh what fun! I had to work Mon-Wed so Igor, the boys and I flew out on a Thursday to get some family vacation time in. You’d think we’d have learned by now that a family vacation is not a vacation, but rather a family trip. There is nothing “vacation like” about traveling with kids. Leighton was a dream almost the entire time, a shock and blessing twisted together. Kellan? Total a-hole. Ha. He whined and complained the entire time, nothing was good enough even if he got what he wanted. It was really difficult for me but I especially felt for Igor as he was stuck with the kids without me Mon-Wed. Friday we explored downtown Boston and oh my heart was I in love. Leighton is my sensitive buddy, he always wants to be with me when he’s exploring new places as my “energy calms him”. I didn’t realize how much that means to me until we were in Boston and he chose his dad! Rude, right? My heart has always been drawn to New England and he said that my energy was too comfortable there, like I was meant to be there or was in a previous life; so he was with Dad because it’s like they were experiencing it together. Okay, maybe not rude – that is rather sweet. He even held his hand walking down the street! ::dawww::

I thought Seattle was my favorite big City but Boston is a true contender! There’s nothing quite like standing IN PAUL REVERE’s house and realizing that it’s THE anniversary of the start of the revolutionary war!! It was the coolest and craziest thing to experience. We walked all of Freedom Trail (& yes, John Hancock’s gravestone is phallic & no, the irony is not lost). L had his favorite donut, Boston Cream – in Boston and he stunned a group of college kids over his awareness and understanding of climate change. He was given an Eco-Warrior pin and his response after walking away: “that was so fun!” Ha, ha. We also had Regina’s World Famous Pizza and explored the U.S.S. Constitution. Aside from Kellan complaining alllll day and me passing out twice on the subway (& having to sit on the floor, partly blocking a door, because no one would give up their seat) it was a fantastic day!! 

Day 3 we explored Salem. Day 4 we drove to New Hampshire & Maine (Leighton has officially made it to 13 states and Kellan, 9!) and visited Fort McCleary; then headed back to Salem for an adventure at World of Wizardry with my boss and her family – the kids became instant friends – before heading to Team TSE’s rental house in Manchester by The Sea. It was a super old, creepy home with a lot of energy! By bedtime Leighton was so uncomfortable he ended up getting physically sick and slept almost the entire next day… anxiety hangover’s are rough, poor kid! Igor ended up renting a hotel for him and the boys to sleep at for the remaining 4 nights and I stayed behind since I was there for work. Day 6 Team TSE had an in person event, so our husbands took the kids for a day at the park. The house’s energy made itself known more than ever that day and I myself got physically sick after exploring the basement. I have never experienced anything like it before and I’m thankful I had my black tourmaline on me! Day 7 Team TSE had an all day photoshoot; which ended in us running into the ocean while it was 50 degrees outside. And I gotta say, it’s super weird seeing my own face on the internet, out in the wild, on real ads and whatnot. I’m still unsure how to feel about it. Kellan introduced the other kids to chess and even almost beat a co-worker’s husband (a former avid player)! Day 8 we went back to Salem before heading to Marblehead for the best lobster roll of our lives!  It was a jam packed, busy and eventful week! While I love that the kids finally got to meet after 2 years, taking a work trip with kids is not something I’d like to do again for a long time! Annnd of course we received our first truancy letter upon getting home for school absences, dated before this trip… cool.

Annnyway. I just had the itch to write a bit so I figured I’d give an update.

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Expedition Complete.

“It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me”
– Taylor Swift

Fauq… I’m lying here in bed unable to sleep, tears in my eyes and just a sense of, well, nothing. Granted yes, my serotonin levels are low and maybe this has become my new thing, blogging when my hormones get the best of me? I’m not sure what’s better, that or cutting my own hair? They both seem to happen that way. 

See, I just read my last entry and it made me tear up, but again, there’s nothing. Numbing almost. It has recently been brought to my attention, via an intervention of sorts, that I have been living in a state of avoidance and unintentionally inducing solitude and isolation. Yes, work has been crazy busy but not any busier than say, March, when I was working full time. I’m averaging 5-6 hour days 4 days a week and a few added hours every other weekend. But, because my hours are flexible, if I take time during the day to do something other than work, I still have to put in the time to get my stuff done. Thus, making it seem as though I really am working ALL. OF. THE. TIME! 

Then by the time I am done working I am exhausted; the kids being home on summer break while I’m working has been an event in and of itself. Not to mention my husband having his own crisis within his own mind and him just up and leaving for hours to play pickleball.

I want to blame my Cancer rising and Sagittarius moon for allowing me to put a wall up, to hide within my shell and ignore the world around me. And I could, but I still have to remember that there is light and shadow with everything and this reaction of hiding via my Moon & Ascendant is just a story I’m telling myself. Oh, yeah, I forgot to share: I’m now -officially- a >certified< astrologer and personal development coach, with an emphasis in positive psychology! ::bows::

So there’s that…

Anyway, so this hiding bit. I’m really not sure when it started but I’m pretty sure I know the trigger now that I have actually taken the time to look back. Mid May I went out to Connecticut for a work seminar of sorts and it was INCREDIBLE! It was also great to -finally- meet my bosses/coworkers for the first time, after working for TSE for 8 months and being a community member for 14! But, I messed up. Absent-mindedly, in the moment, I gave my cell number to a community member to text me something non-work related. Which, okay, that’s fine. However, 2 other community members saved my number and were talking about it with the big boss lady. I stepped over the workplace/personal boundary and it stirred up feelings of prior team members crossing said boundary in a negative way. I never meant harm but that was huge. Then I got back to Mi and was attacked with a 5mm kidney stone causing hydronephrosis (a fancy word for fluid retention in my kidney). It sucked! It came out of nowhere and I was needed for something for work, but I couldn’t do it because I was debating going to the ER. I had already taken a muscle relaxer and valium but it wasn’t cutting it. I never expected it to be a kidney stone as it presented itself [completely] different than any other stone I’ve had! I truly thought it was either my appendix or my ovary. 

It was a huge event week for us and there were some scheduling misunderstandings that made it appear like I wasn’t going to be working during important times, but I was!!! I take my job extremely seriously but with that recent mishap over trust and crossing the boundary, and the scheduling misunderstandings, and some stupid little mistakes I had been making while trying to learn/take over some things – it all piled up during a difficult time. 

After I ended up going to the ER I was told to take the week, heal and we’d circle back the next week. I knew something was wrong, especially after I reached out 3 times asking if I could show up for some things and was respectfully told to stand down. 

I.  Was. Gutted!! 

My job means everything to me and it was now on the line. That week was so incredibly difficult for me. Knowing just how busy this event was and the added stress my team was now under as a whole – made me sick. Not to mention how miserable the kidney stone made me, I had to miss Leighton’s choir concert, my dad & Igor’s birthday annnd plan, prepare, cross my fingers that I’d make it to Kellan’s FIRST real birthday party that weekend. If I had to miss it and let him down, with work being the way it was- I’m nauseous just thinking about it! OH, and it didn’t help that my in-laws were coming and would see my father for the first time since his diagnosis, which they knew nothing about. 

Ah yes, there’s the anxiety triggered tachycardia my heart knows all too well. ::takesdeepbreaths::

Two things I haven’t really discussed yet through my blog really. My in-laws and my father’s diagnosis. Now, my in-laws are a tricky subject because I need to tread lightly so as to not cross another boundary of speaking for my husband. I need to respect his feelings and not share more than what he’d want. But at the same time it is my blog, my truth and they are a big part of any issues that have been within my relationship, as you saw in [16.YearOne]. As for my dad, unfortunately he was diagnosed with a rare form of -Bulbar ALS- and it has been understandably difficult to witness. Now, I know he will be reading this and I don’t want to make him feel bad by any means, though it’s true, it is hard! Due to the nature of the relationship that I have with my daddy, I didn’t want my in-laws to find out because I knew how they would respond – or better, [lack thereof]. I knew that they would react in a way that would result in my being hurt and I didn’t want anything to do with it. So, we didn’t tell them and at the end of the birthday party, as they were leaving, they asked Igor what was “wrong”. He explained and they just said, >’oh’< and that was that. Never once have they mentioned it, asked anything about it, or even asked how he is doing since. I want to be respectful but it’s incredibly difficult to show respect for those who have zero respect for you and your family, their grandkids included. Maybe just saying this paints a picture for you without my needing to go into further details about them at this time? K.

Now that the vail has been broken and I am seeing what I had been avoiding, I’m drowning. It’s weird though, in the past when I have had a PMDD or depressive episode, I knew it. Without question, I knew when things weren’t right. Whatever it is that is going on now, I never realized it because I used a defense mechanism to completely wipe it all away. Breaking that wall down may have caused a flood but it’s absolutely still a struggle to consciously force myself to process things. And if I’m being totally honest, I’m not entirely sure how to. The only thing I can think of is to deliberately be time-intentional and make the effort to process, feel, heal. The only time therapy has worked for me was when I was working with a therapist who did basically what I do for a living, so I am unsure how a clinical therapist would help. Can’t forget to add on that I’m already in physical therapy 2-3x a week, see my doctor every 4-6 weeks, all the meds and supplements I take and don’t take but should take, it all adds up. I also know this is just a [money mindset problem] that can be altered but it’s difficult when again, your husband is battling his own money mindset battle and knowing that you’re taking away from something that he truly dreams of, isn’t an easy thing to face.

So, I work. 

I don’t believe that I have a work-life balance issue, but I can certainly see how some may think so just given the wall of isolation and avoidance. Plus, my job brings me >pure< joy!! So when it was on the line, hell yea I threw myself into it more, because if I wasn’t able to do the ONE thing where I ‘was’ [fully] confident in my capabilities, then what the actual fuck am I capable of doing? Hence why I didn’t recognize myself from the podcast. I was no longer confident and I needed to prove to my team, but especially myself, that I can do it! And I can. And I did! And then I stupidly pushed myself yesterday to try and get more done after I had walked away from work for the day, when I wasn’t in an ‘active work mindset,’ and made an oopsie. I am so mad at myself and was taken right back to May. Now, this oopsie wasn’t major but it certainly could have been and was super eye opening that when I’m done, I need to be done.

Annnnd now I see that maybe there is more of a balance offset than I truly believed. But again, it’s what makes me happy! Hell, no one can question my devotion after the fact I >turned down< -FREE- T.SWIFT Era tickets, due to the live intensive training for my life coach / personal development coaching certification!! I was literally SICK over it; I know I ultimately made the right choice but still cry and feel my heart is still broken a little bit. My love for Taylor is unmeasurable. I’ve been to 2 concerts and met her at one, I got lots of hugs and “I love yous” and it was one of the most incredible moments of my life, 13 years ago! 13!! HER number. I was 22 when I met her, MY number!!

…Okay, I’m getting sick again thinking about it. ::Pouts&TriesNotToCry::

Anyway, I’m not really sure where I was going with this entry when I first started writing it and therefore don’t really know if I spoke to everything I meant to as I finish it days later, but it’s an update! OH, and my boss’ book was just released, where I was interviewed and shared my story as one of the case studies for it; makes me kind of famous now, huh? Joking, kind of. It’s pretty cool though, nonetheless!!

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180°; still me.

“I recognize that a journey never ends, You think it’s over but the then it all starts again.” – Thomas Gold

So, I know that it has been forever and a day since I last wrote and/or made an entry, but today I felt inspired. Although, as I am sitting here I am drawing a blank for words. I see on my list of topics to discuss that I have my breastfeeding journey, postpartum, and PMDD still listed; though I am certain that I’ve written about the above in some capacity or another, at some point. But quite honestly, I just don’t have the desire to look back and see, so.. I won’t be citing other entries today.

Going down the path of rediscovery, finding The Sisters Enchanted – my life truly has taken a 180 in such a short amount of time. I knew that telling my story and being able to help others is what I am meant to be doing. That’s why I started this blog after all… I didn’t want anyone to have to feel alone. Then I came across a community that changed everything.

Don’t get me wrong, writing is still a passion of mine, just my time for it has dwindled. I haven’t made it a priority because that feeling of fulfillment that I always get from writing, I achieve almost everyday just doing my job! Not to mention, being >thee< customer service person and student support, I am writing every day while in communication with students and community members. I am able to share bits and pieces of my story, helping [right] in the moment.

I was recently a guest on our Expedition to Soul podcast at work, and it was that experience, plus a recent reading I had with a fellow community member that led me to this entry. If you’re interested in hearing my podcast episode you can do so [clicking here] or, if you’d prefer to watch the video version you can [click here]. Oh heck while I’m at it – if you’re interested in having a reading by one of our verified coaches/readers, Sharon Blue of Blue Empress Tarot is your girl!

When I watch my podcast episode I am flooded with a mix of emotions, as I not only -see- who I am today – I also don’t know that I truly recognize her, either. Yes, I am without question not the same person that I was a year ago, but if I’m being honest, I don’t know that I really am the same person with that same confidence that I was last August when I asked for a job and got it. I had finally gotten my shit together, got a job and then boom. All of my progress, all of my plans – out the window. I replaced being sick and using it as a crutch to now putting everything into my job and not being able to get anything else done. 

Now, yes, I have to remember that I did finally end up catching Covid before Christmas and yes, it was my greatest fear that it would cause a major setback and flair up… which, I thank my lucky stars that science is a thing and that I had had 4 vaccine doses by then, so my outcome didn’t turn out even worse! But… I did in fact have a flair up and it set me back. Not only did it set me back physically, but mentally as well. See, while sick with Covid I missed quite a few of my normal doses of medication, resulting in another PMDD spiral. NOT AS bad as 2020, but it wasn’t good. I knew the cause, I knew that it was because my meds were unregulated and I held hope that in 1-2 months things would be good again. Things did clear up some but it’s taking longer than I’d like. Without fail, each month when my progesterone rises, my serotonin plummets. <- Right now as I write this, it is one of those times. I also can’t forget that I am anemic and I suck at remembering to take my iron. Exhaustion doesn’t even begin to describe my inability to stay awake at different times throughout the month. Plus allergy season? Lets not forget that after a good solid 9+ months I was [not] full on passing out… then Covid happened. And the loss of remaining consciousness started up again. That confidence of getting out of the house and doing things by myself knowing that I was safe, is no longer there because I know that I’m not. The anxiety is slowly creeping back, anchoring itself, reminding me of the past yet again. BUT I have a job! I AM able to work! But that’s about it. The fear of letting my team down is there, beneath my belief in my ability to do the job. It’s  the ugly shadow that I have to continuously face time and time again.

But under it alI; I [know]… > I AM CAPABLE! <

Now, some more real talk… Breastfeeding is hands down one of the most rewarding, yet most challenging aspects during the first stages of motherhood. There is so much pressure and stigma involved, calling it an emotional roller coaster doesn’t do it justice. In fact, I can honestly say that I have never sacrificed so much of myself, more than I did for my Littles during our nursing journeys! I gave up my medication, sacrificing my own health and fought daily for their benefit. From the inability to latch due to premature birth and exclusively pumping for months, to dietary restrictions, lack of sleep, and even extending past the first year- not to mention it’s no secret the hardships we faced when it came to food/eating with the both of them. Simply put, breastfeeding is hard; one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Sure, as time went on and we got into routine it got easier, but still hard AF nonetheless! But you know what? I have zero regrets! It gave me purpose; I am eternally grateful that I was able to do that and provide them both with the nutrients they needed for as long as they did, which just so happened to be 15.5 months for L and 26.5 months for K! However, there’s one thing that needs to be discussed, because unfortunately, before it happened to me, I wasn’t aware it was a thing… post nursing blues, anxiety and depression. As real as postpartum depression is, ending nursing blues is just as real and hard. Oh my goodness is it awful! I experienced it with both, and much, much worse this second time around. Weaning Kellan took almost 4 months and it was my own personal hell. If you or someone you know may be experiencing it, your/their feelings are valid, and they’re real!  A mother’s love is like no other, our strength has no limits! 

I had been holding onto old frozen breastmilk with dreams of having a ring/pendant made of mixed milk from my breastfeeding journeys. I, being the procrastinator that I am, haven’t done a thing with it and Kellan will be 7 next month. Our basement freezer stopped working and I could only “save” so much. Instead of feeling heartbroken I decided to have a milk bath last week, releasing any and all trauma I’ve been carrying from my pregnancies, their births, postpartum, etc. With some visualization meditation, I used my milk as a reminder of how incredible the female body is through all of its stages, and to remember that things happen how they’re supposed to happen. I am in a different stage of life and in a way, this was like closing a chapter and rebirthing another.

This was the release I needed to see that I am that person in the podcast. I just need to remember that situations change and I have to adapt without expectations, so as to not feel as though I have failed or regressed. Life is a constant journey with lessons; changes are inevitable, but also necessary. It all goes back to Expedition to Soul where I assembled my allies: I am all versions of myself, past – present – & future – at all times. All versions of who I am/was/will be, make up all of me.

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Hello, New Me! pt. 2

“It’s all about new me.” – Lity Munshi

I know I left you hanging and I do apologize; but if I hadn’t broken these up that blog entry would have been doubled the size of any other entry, and from what my husband has said, entries aren’t supposed to be >that< long. Though this is still long AF… ::shrugsshoulders::

So what were my 3 intentions that I wanted to change while I worked through Holistic Witchery?

Initially I wanted to change the way that I think about myself and the way I feel about how I handle life with 2E [Twice Exceptional] children, especially Leighton being neurodivergent. However, as I got thinking and working, I realized it’s not about -how- I think about myself but -why- I feel the way I do. Which also made me realize that it’s more that I needed to change the way I think in terms of Leighton. And then for my surroundings was an easy/obvious one after the chaos of Covid. I need to get my home back in order, I needed to get organized in every way possible!! But the question was, what did they all have in common that I could use as one intention to focus on?

The answer: Balance!!

You see, I’ve never felt comfortable doing things by myself. Going to a store without another adult/peer, I felt that I didn’t belong. My senses were on high alert and I felt disoriented. Even being out with my children just didn’t feel right. I would get anxious even just being in my front yard alone, which left me inside, anti-social and my landscaping neglected. Plenty of neighbors are outside with their kids or doing yardwork and I just couldn’t with them there, without someone else with me. Of course these are not rational feelings, which is why I figured out it’s not a matter of thinking but a matter of why. Why do I feel this way? What causes me to feel so drastically different doing something alone vs. with another adult? I thought maybe it was a confidence thing, like how I hate talking on the phone because of my processing disorder. I lose my train of thought, can’t get the right words out and sound like a babbling bimbo. The deep rooted shadow of “not being good enough” seemed to fit. Although, I have come to see that this is more of a problem with my generation as a whole. We grew up in the era of online chatting and texting for communication. The anxiety is there for almost everyone in one way or another, therefore, lack of confidence is too surface level to be the [real] shadow.

No, the real issue at bay, which in a way could be lack of confidence I suppose, is the lack of {believing} in myself. <- I know that sounds rather surface level as well, but here’s where the deep “AH HA” comes in. As I explained in [06.HS/Diagnosis], I was really sick as a teenager. I couldn’t do things on my own, whether it was because it was dangerous or I simply just couldn’t physically. I woke up too many times in a bathtub filled with cold water when I was just trying to shower. I didn’t know when I was going to end up face first on the ground or hitting my head hard enough for a concussion from dropping. It. Wasn’t. Safe. Over the years my health has been up and down, especially through hormonal transitions from pregnancies, nursing, weaning, etc. With all of my deep diving through Holistic Witchery, I realized that somewhere in my subconscious I have been stuck between being a healthy, capable adult and the bedridden teenager I once was. ::BAM::mindblown:: I have been “sick” most of my life but after getting a diagnosis 17 years ago, I’ve done enough research and am in tune enough with my body, that I know when I’m [really] sick vs. just not pushing hard enough. <- and I HATE to say it that way but it’s true. However, it’s not about fear of pushing myself too hard but rather… at all in some cases.

I came to the conclusion that I have been using past experiences as a crutch. The fear of something happening while out on my own, is my lack of {belief} in myself. The lack of trusting that I know myself well enough by now to know if I really will be okay. With this, also comes my lack of driving. Yes, there are absolutely days and stretches of time when I cannot get behind the wheel. It wouldn’t be safe for me or anyone else. But that lack of belief in myself rings true here, with the help of anxiety and a side of PTSD. After the car accident [12. Life Detour] I was left with PTSD, I mean who wouldn’t after experiencing what I went through? Although, I was able to overcome it and drive regularly again, until I wasn’t. When I hit longer stretches of being sick, I know I’m not well enough to drive. However, I have also concluded that I use being sick as a crutch to also allow anxiety and deep rooted PTSD to keep me from going out and/or driving. This is where the lack of pushing myself hard enough and/or at all comes into play. There are days that may be [iffy] as to whether or not I should drive, but those ‘iffy’ days are a wide spectrum of gray, and more so lean towards the ability to vs. ability not to. Deep down I probably already knew this, but a shadow is a shadow and buried deep for a reason!

Since this revelation? I have driven myself to meet up with Mom#2 [07. Ode to My Mentors] for tea, I have taken the kids and myself to my dad’s pool, taken both boys to Menards by myself, taken Leighton to a doctor’s appointment, myself to a doctor’s appointment and a few curbside pickups. I’m sure there are probably a few other smaller things, like to my mom’s, but these alone are huge! Prior to this summer, I could count on my hands the number of times I drove from the Fall/Winter of 2017 to this Summer… it’s fkin sad. Don’t get me wrong, there were >definitely< periods of [long] stretches where I really was -too- sick, but looking back now, I can see where there were days I likely could have driven but fear got in the way. Now, did it feel weird AF driving and being out? Absolutely! Did I still feel like I didn’t belong and disoriented while at Menards with the kids? Absolutely! And I know that it will for a long while, if not forever, honestly. But that’s okay! I found the {why}, therefore I know that the only thing holding me back is myself – and I don’t want to anymore!! I KNOW that I AM [capable]! I am finding the balance between being that sick teenager and the healthy, capable adult.

Now for changing the way I think about how I deal with Leighton. If that even makes sense? As I’ve already explained in [Twice Exceptional], having 2E children is no walk in the park, especially when they’re neurodivergent. My mother has always praised me for how I deal with/handle Leighton and his “episodes”. I try my best but I won’t lie that it’s hard AF and beyond exhausting. It has challenged my marriage and my mental health. As a mother it breaks my heart to even say this, but our relationship seemed [forced] out of obligation at times. After nearly 10 years I found myself just feeling more and more negative towards him, even though I knew it wasn’t his fault. Yes, he may be a master manipulator, but at the end of the day he is still neurodivergent.

As I worked through Holistic Witchery I knew I needed to work on myself in order to change my mindset around him. He is very science minded, black and white, and if he can’t see it to prove and/or explain it, he doesn’t believe it. We already know Igor [14. Forever & Always] doesn’t believe in -any- of this, even though the science IS there. He just doesn’t understand it. Ha ha. That said, let’s talk about crystals for a moment. Science has proven that -everything- has different vibrational frequencies, right? And that energy can be manipulated based on those different frequencies. So wouldn’t it just be a scientific fact that an object radiating a certain level of energy could manipulate your own frequencies? And with that said, wouldn’t it make sense that different crystals, with their own different frequencies, could affect one self? Sounds simple enough to me… Do I believe that crystals can cure things over medical intervention? No. Do I believe that crystals can change your emotions or mindset, put up a ‘shield’ to protect your own energy from taking on others around you, or aid in the healing of certain ailments? Yes. Is it possible that it is just a placebo effect? Absolutely. Is there anything wrong with that if it helps someone become the best version of themself? Absolutely not!

Being the ever so inquisitive child that he is, obviously he wanted to know more about what I was learning and how things worked. About two years ago he was interested in tarot but Igor and I agreed that I’d take a step back from teaching him about it, as he wasn’t fully grasping the psychology behind it. He saw it as cut and dry and took everything at face value. Now that he’s older he’s understanding things differently. In fact Igor joked that I broke our child because he was able to explain how people born on the same day, at the same location and time could have different astrological birth charts, because they’re not in the exact same location in terms of degrees. I laughed so hard because that was [not] something I had taught him; I actually hadn’t spoken to him about astrology at all before that! He then went on to discuss how there are actually 13 Zodiacs and a whole bunch of other space knowledge. <- In case you missed it, he’s been obsessed with all things -space- for over 5 years, when he decided he wanted to be an actual rocket engineer. His dream is to help put man on Mars and my goodness I’m sure he will!

Anyway, as I learned more about honing in on my intuition, Leighton started to notice and understand that he too is [sensitive] and really connected. Which has been hard for him because he doesn’t understand how he just >knows< things. He is stuck between logic and feeling and still trying to figure out what it is that he believes himself. Which is perfectly fine, he knows both mine and his father’s views, and all we can do is explain why we believe what we do and let him figure it out for himself. Suficeive to say that his clairsentience and claircognizance are strengthening and it’s difficult to navigate when both parents aren’t on board. He absolutely hates whenever he hears about, reads or sees someone getting hurt. He could never explain why until this summer… As it turns out, he physically >feels< the pain that someone else is enduring, even just fictional characters in a book or movie. Talk about taking emath to the next level! He has also described things that he sees such as auras and colored symbols. Being the science guy that he is, he didn’t believe the thought behind crystals either. Of course, it doesn’t help when his dad bashes it. BUT, I knew he was struggling. The more my “powers” unlocked, his did too. Even Kellan has been bringing things up out of the blue lately that are spot on without any way of knowing. I think it’s safe to say that the energy within our household is definitely changing.

One day the light bulb inside my head went off. I realized that it wasn’t the way I think about him or handling his episodes, it was about helping him take control for himself. Through therapy and everything in the book, nothing helped in terms of coping mechanisms. So, I decided to try a different approach. For those who don’t know crystals, black tourmaline is believed to be one of the best protection stones. It helps shield your energy from negative getting in or positive getting out. If that’s too ::woo woo:: for you, think of it in terms of vibrational frequencies. It helps keep you neutral without being affected. I bought a couple different tumbled stones and told him to feel them, really truly pay attention to his mind, body and soul. He could take one and walk away, try a different one. Just see if he notices anything different among them. <- That was the day Leighton became a believer. He couldn’t get over how dark and heavy one stone made him feel or how light and airy the other did. He felt a sense of calm he’d never experienced before and his whole mindset changed. In fact, he had been afraid of “witches” ever since his second grade teacher read The Witches during class. Like, legit nightmares for years. When I started Holistic Witchery and some pathways in Enchanted Journey, I learned more historical backgrounds and tried educating him. That was when I started saying that I was a witch – trying to show him that how they’re portrayed in books and movies is simply false narratives. My doing so was more to help ease his fear from the book but it completely changed his mind about everything he thought in terms of the subject.

This summer we took a family trip to Traverse City with my dad and Brian. Before leaving for the trip I mentioned that there was a crystal store that we’d go to where he could pick out his own crystals. Something that he feels drawn to, to keep him safe. While the black tourmaline made him feel better, everyone has different frequencies remember? Therefore, different stones work differently for different people. To my surprise there was a new “witchy” store that had just opened a few months prior. I was SO excited to pick up supplies but also for Leighton to experience it. Igor and Kellan were bored as can be and left us there, but Leighton? Leighton lit up like a Christmas tree! You could just see the spark within him. He did the same thing with a few tumbled stones there and ended up picking out snowflake obsidian (similar to black tourmaline while also bringing balance between the mind, body and spirit.) and lapis lazuli, which is also a protective stone but also brings about confidence with self awareness and expression, and deep inner peace. After we left with some awesome goodies I asked him what he thought. He LOVED it and felt like he [belonged]!! He can’t wait to visit another metaphysical store and has already asked a few times when we’d be going. Oh my sweet child, you are my baby boy! Ha, ha. Things between us started changing and getting good early in the program but after visiting that store, everything changed for us. We now have this connection that isn’t forced and I genuinely want to spend time with him; and I even look forward to snuggling at night, which was something I used to dread. Yeah, I’d say this intention for change is checked off.

Next we have changing my surroundings. Just one look around the house and it was super obvious what needed to be done. EveRythINg! Though it wasn’t just my house, it was my life in general. Due to being sick for so long prior to Covid, and then having the kids home for a year and a half, everything got turned upside down. As I’m sure it did with most everyone. I used to have a daily/monthly/yearly cleaning schedule but all of that went out the window. It was too hard to keep up with, with everyone home and no one helping. Plus my major PMDD spiral [Awakening] at the end of summer 2020. Life had just been a mess. Which is exactly why I started this blog and joined TSE: I didn’t want others to feel alone, but at the same time, I realized through the community at TSE, that I myself am not alone. I’m telling ya, the community alone is worth it, haha.

But seriously. I needed organization in my life more than ever! I made myself a daily schedule that has a timeline for myself to get certain things done, an area for daily gratitude, an affirmation, and then extra notes or things to remember to do. I also made myself a new daily/monthly/yearly cleaning schedule that would better fit life these days. I made both of them pretty, and colorful, and they bring me such joy when I see them. Heck, I even laminated them and bought wet erase markers. Yup, getting my surroundings balanced was underway, but I was just getting started!

Igor and I had always talked about things we wanted to get done around the house, updating wise, but after 9 years nothing was getting done. Literally. Landscaping did but we didn’t have a choice. <- I kid you not, my house is a hot spot for trees being taken out by mother nature. Which is ironic as we ourselves have removed 9 from the front yard and 3 in the back. Mother nature took it upon herself to strike 2 trees right next to each other with lighting, a few years apart. Lightning doesn’t strike the same place twice, huh? I have proof otherwise. Unless you’re going to be like Leighton and argue for the sake of trying to prove me wrong, because it wasn’t the “exact spot”. ::rolleyes:: But seriously, in the back 3 full trees and 2 separate half trees have been knocked down. Then the city removed one in front due to disease and just this past week half of another tree was hit by lightning in front. WTF is going on? Michigan isn’t supposed to have this crazy weather!! Oh wait, hi global warming. ::shakeshead::

Anyway, sorry, I didn’t mean to go on a tangent about trees and the weather. Just needless to say landscaping was a necessity. But you know, homeownership is for the birds. And yes, I am about to go on another tangent because this is my reality. You have a problem, try to fix said problem, the problem still exists. Then a new problem appears which ultimately leads to needing remodeling work done, which leads to discovering [new] problems, which leads to more remodeling and so forth. It’s a stupid cycle! If you don’t own a home, don’t do it. Just don’t. You’ll thank me one day…

Okay, so the second tangent goes with my changing the surroundings to a point. Like I said, we had plans to update our house but just never did, cause you know – money. The one thing that I wanted done first was new flooring in the kitchen and family room, and Igor wanted new kitchen countertops. Which, I don’t blame him, they really were horrible! Our master bath’s are also horrible but I am ok with the cheap fix with contact paper for now. Err.. well, ever, because priorities have certainly changed as of this summer. ANYwho. So, last fall we noticed our kitchen cabinets were starting to fall apart. We thought maybe some was due to water damage since we got a new roof in 2019 due to leaking. Turns out it wasn’t damaged but rather just junk. Our cabinets literally started to crumble. In fact, as Igor was removing one it all came apart and the shelves slammed down onto his head. ::sadfaces:: In March of this year we decided to go with a new Ikea kitchen. I designed it, we met with a member at the store, had their guy come measure but we sat on it. Igor couldn’t decide between a wall oven with a cooktop or a new range all together. I personally would have been fine with the range but whatevs. So for a few more months we played around with designs until I had enough.

Since Igor had to work my mom took me to Ikea to meet with a new kitchen specialist, to assure that our design was going to work and finalize everything. If you hadn’t already figured out that I am a person who second guesses everything and hates to make decisions, then I’d say you’re not actually reading my blog posts. But do you know what my new found confidence from TSE allowed me to do? I bought the damn cabinets!! Igor was in a meeting and I couldn’t get a hold of him and I just did it. > I < made the decision! Nevermind the fact that as soon as I sat in the car, I had to stick my head out of the door to throw up, right there in the parking lot. ::hidesInshame:: I have never had that happen before, ever! I didn’t even realize that my nerves were so heightened but it makes sense. My mom said that she had never seen me so composed, unanxious – I was like a completely different person going through that purchasing process. I’m sure you know what I mean when your parents tell you they’re proud of you, it’s just like “yeah, okay, thanks.” <- or maybe you don’t. I am sorry to assume; I know that I am very fortunate to have such a supportive family and that not everyone hears their parents tell them they’re proud of them. I think [my] parents have told my husband how proud of him they are more than his own ever have. Please know that I don’t take those words for granted, all I’m saying is, that day I {really} -felt- her words!!

When we went to Ikea in March they told us it could take 12-18 weeks to get all of our cabinets delivered/in stock. And when we met with countertop places they said it would be 4-8 weeks -after- the countertops were installed. WHaa??? I think that’s why we sat on it. It just seemed like the process would take forever and we’d be living in a nightmare. Little did I know, after ordering the cabinets the bulk of the order was able to be delivered less than 2 weeks later. Maybe that added to my getting sick in the parking lot, because it just got real, real fast! So they were delivered and I went to town building the bases of them. Out of 30 cabinets, I had all but maybe 6 completed within a week and a half. I was ready to get the ball roooolling. Problem was, we had no idea who would do the actual installing. We hadn’t found our countertops or flooring either. Hello stress overload, not so nice to meet you again.

My father in law is the kind of guy who [knows a guy] for everything. Being in that Ukrainian/Russian speaking network has its perks… to a point. Both of his guys said they couldn’t do the full projects until the Fall. So, I also went to town on disassembling the kitchen to help speed things up and hopefully make it cheaper for when we hired someone else. Buuuut my FIL wasn’t having it and convinced one of his guys that it wouldn’t be that big of a project, just come in and hang the cabinets. OMG did I feel terrible for him, he was so manipulated and I had no idea. My FIL also convinced his other guy to send one of his employees to do the flooring. What should have been a 2 day project turned into a 5 day project and a second guy was brought in for days 3-5. ::oyy:: This is where the point of why you shouldn’t be a homeowner comes into play. Upon removal of the carpet in the family room, we discovered that our door to the deck, one we NEVER use, was rotting on the inside from water damage. We knew the outside was an issue and that getting new windows was the only option to fix it. Which we planned to do, but again, money.,, one income household of 4 and a cat. So, we needed to remove the subfloor, bleach the heck out of everything structural to remove any built up mildew, and spray a ton of anti-mold stuff or something like that. All I know is the family room was tapped off with plastic for almost 24 hours. Now the pressure is back on to try to find someone for windows asap. We met with 3 companies last year but again, sat on it. And now with inflation it’s a nightmare! Remember when I said it would take 4-6 weeks for countertops? Yeah, I dreaded that process most of all! BUT in actuality, the whole process took less than two weeks, thankfully!! It took 8 FULL days broken up over the span of 4 weeks to get all of our cabinets installed, plus lighting and electrical replaced. And that’s just bases installed. Igor and I have been spending most of our free time building all of the drawers, installing them, installing doors, and adding hardware for like 2 weeks now and it’s still not done! So. Many. Drawers… Not to mention they messed up and sent us things we don’t need and left out some things we do. Cool.

::Breath::

I honestly have no idea when the kitchen will actually get painted, backsplash installed, or the decorative stips on the cabinets will be installed, but it’s getting there. I am SO excited to start the organizing process of the new drawers and everything! I got plastic bins and containers so I can ditch the boxes. We had to get all new cookware for the new induction cooktop, that I chose [purple] to match what the kitchen -will- be! Yes, I will have a purplish kitchen, and yes am I excited. Ha, ha. <- So alas, I legit changed my surroundings in the form of designing a kitchen that’ll better fit our needs, and allow me to keep things better organized.

I really am in such an amazing place, mindset wise! I am confident. I am capable. I am balanced. I am courageous. I am not afraid of failing, as it’s just lessons learned. I am not allowing my comfort zone to hold me hostage. I am thriving. AND I am [employed]! YES, yes you did read that correctly!!

Remember the last post where I mentioned that I reached out to -The Sisters Enchanted- and asked for a job flat outright? About that… as I’ve already mentioned, I went into this with a goal in mind: to work on myself and figure out a way to make money. At one point earlier this summer, I thought that maybe I’d get more into tie dying and sell some work, which, I guess is still a possibility. The kitchen remodel kind of took over my whole summer and so many plans went out the window. But, that is okay!! My heart is with what TSE has to offer and in just 4 months, they must have seen it as well! I {legit} worked my >own magic< and manifested a job for myself!! WHAT!? Yeah, that scared woman in limbo is no more. It has only been a week since I started as an independent contractor, working in Customer Service and Student Support with a little Operations on the side. AND I COULDN’T LOVE IT MORE!! I am just so happy to be a part of the vision that Sara Walka created! I have also been entrusted as the group “Mom” for one of their smaller, most intimate groups. It is my job to keep them engaged and encouraged, with all the love, light and support I can give! I have found my purpose! It’s still so surreal considering it’s been almost 11 years since I stopped working at the urgent care, and have been a SAHM ever since! Nothing is coincidence, it was Taurus’ New Moon where I set my financial intentions, and by the end of Taurus’ Full Moon cycle, I will have completed the ‘90’ day trial that I was initially set up with. But the funny thing is, after only one week, they’re all already talking about long term plans and using “when” instead of “if”. Yeah, I think this is going to work well for us all! <3

And on that note: If you are interested in checking out what TSE is about and how they can help you, help yourself, to become the best version of yourself that you can be – they/we? (OMG, it is we!) are hosting a 5 day workshop called, Magic Week, where you’ll walk away knowing your Expansion Archetype, with a sense of how to manifest and live a magical life based on your individual result. It all starts October 7th and if you’re interested, or would even like to just read more about it, you can do so here: The Sisters Enchanted’s Magic Week workshop. 

I am telling you, it is never too late and AlwAys worth it, to invest in yourself!!! And no, I promise you this blog hasn’t just become an add for TSE and I wont be throwing promotions at you left and right. I just really believe in what they’re all about! ::nodshead::
Love, light and hugs to all!

Posted on

Hello, New Me! pt. 1


“Forget everything you’ve done. Start over.” – Marty Rubin

Hi, so I know it’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted, but over the past 4 months I have been going through the >biggest< personal transformation of my life!!

Actually, it started much before then if we’re being honest. We know that I set out to find myself again near the end of 2019 and reeeallly dove deep after a downward spiral in summer of 2020. We also know that in April of this year that I took part in something called, “Expedition to Soul” with [The Sisters Enchanted :TSE:] after doing their 21  day self-care challenge. Let me just say, TSE has completely -changed- my life!! So much so that I even reached out inquiring about a job as I believe in what they represent and can do for women! But I’ll get back to that!

See, The Sisters Enchanted believe in leading with kindness, living a soul-led life with intention, through intuition and everyday magic. They have a blog, podcast and offer many free classes, which is where I started with the 2 above. But I needed more. I felt this swirling within me, that what I was doing with their help was everything I ever needed for myself!  

They have what they call, ‘the school of magic’ and offer many different courses, Holistic Witchery and Expedition Astrology being their big 2. And yes, this may sound too ::woo woo:: for some, but please trust me and hear me out…

Part of the reason it’s called [witchery] is for -rebellion- against the patriarchy and how women (and/or anyone considered “different”) of the past were treated. <- now these are my words but the founder chooses to call herself a “witch” because it does in fact make her feel rebellious. It’s an ode to everyone who has ever been considered “different”. My last post, [w.i.t.c.h.] explains all about that and how there is such a negative stigma against the word “witch”.  And at the risk of sounding redundant, I repeat Devon Cole sang it best when she voiced that a witch is just a “woman in total control of herself”! However, don’t let the name fool you! You don’t have to be a self proclaimed “witch” to join. Infact, a good majority of their students are even Christian. Why/how is that? It’s because TSE isn’t about religion, it’s about helping (primarily women, but all are welcome!) live the lives they’ve always wanted. How to rewrite the story that most of us have been told when it comes to how women are “supposed” to be, act, and present themselves. They help you overcome trauma via [shadow work] and re-write the narrative. Psychologist Carl Jung defined the “shadow” as being the unknown dark side of one’s personality. Everything has light and shadow, hiding from your shadow only makes it worse. You cannot live your best life without acknowledging the parts of yourself you want to forget and/or ignore. You need to embrace all of yourself, including your past, as it has gotten you to where you are today! Which in turn will lead you to where you want to go, tomorrow.

I am writing this post because A) the whole point of this blog is to tell my story and help others in any way that I can. B) because I myself still feel that uncomfortable pit in my stomach when I tell someone new about The Sisters Enchanted and Holistic Witchery. I still get… not embarrassed, but almost like I don’t want to be looked at as [crazy], because society and the entertainment industry has turned it into a false narrative. But here’s the thing… The word “witch” means something different to all who use it as a description for themselves. Even to those who don’t consider themselves one, the word itself is different for everyone! Within my immediate family I’ll call myself one, but it’s also a description that has a time and a place, and I do respect other’s views. I may try to educate them like I have via this blog, but again, respect. And that respect is just as much for -myself- as someone else. I >won’t< allow myself to be ::bullied:: for my beliefs, but one of the many things The Sisters Enchanted has taught me, is setting and respecting {boundaries}!!

Yes, you do learn the -tricks of the trade- but they’re all just tools to help yourself. You have to remember, everything that was/is considered ‘witchcraft’ was just [a way of life] once before. Tarot? A scientifically proven {tool} to help one unlock parts of their subconscious and see things in a different light, not some fortune telling parlor trick. Working with the Lunar cycle could simply just be a reminder to keep you on track with your intentions. The greatest thing about TSE is that you don’t have to do everything or anything that you’re not comfortable with. They present to you ALL of the options for you to find what works best for you! Sara Walka, the founder of The Sisters Enchanted, created what is known as the 5i spiral. It represents the stages of what it is that you want to achieve and how to make it happen. This is where using the Lunar cycle can keep you accounted for.

1. Intention. You set your intention at the New Moon.  Intention is different than a goal, it’s more about how you want to [feel] when it comes to something. In Holistic Witchery you have to set 3 intentions to work on during your courses. Three things that you want to change; a way you think about something, the way you feel about something and something in your physical environment. You then use the 5i spiral to work it out.
2. Integration. From the New Moon to the 1st quarter moon, you reflect on your intention. The 1st quarter moon is then where you start to integrate your intention into your everyday life with the help of your energy/chakra centers.
3. Insight. By the Full Moon you should have a better understanding of what is and isn’t working from integrating your intention. Here is where you use insight (through shadow work) to reflect on it. If things aren’t working out, reflect on why. Is it because you’re not putting in the work? Is it because your intention is too large, too broad, and needs to be broken down into smaller, more achievable intentions? Here is where you take the time to think that through.
4. Ideate. As you reflect and gain insight around the Full Moon, by the 3rd quarter moon is when you start to rethink everything. You bring together what you have learned and make a plan going forward, enchanting/’bewitching’ your everyday life. Does your intention need to be broken down? If yes, what would that look like and how could you then integrate it? If not, what should you keep doing or change to make it even better?
5. Intuition. By the time the New Moon comes around again, you should have an overall better understanding of your intention with the help of divination. Did you succeed? Do you need to keep this intention for a few months? What have you learned during the month that will help feed your intuition, to know what is right or wrong for yourself?

While intention setting can be set to the Lunar cycles, it can also be set during the year. Intention setting is always done at the beginning of the year when New Year’s resolutions are made. It’s then often mid-year when you sit back and wonder if you’re sticking true to your resolution or not, and by the end of the year you tend to make a plan for the following year on how you can either start again or move onto something else. See, not ::woo woo:: at all, huh?

The funny thing is, explaining exactly what it is that TSE does is even difficult for those who created it. It’s really just a platform – turned – community for helping one find their own empowerment through true, unconditional support. I have never felt more safe to be myself, raw and vulnerable in such a way without fear of judgment. We all understand one another on some level and the [sisterhood] that is formed is like nothing that could truly be explained without experiencing for yourself. My mother compared it to therapy and in a way, it really is. Now, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t seek licensed help when needed, this is just an added bonus as you work through things! Shadow work can be and -is- incredibly difficult at times, and honestly could benefit from a licensed practitioner depending on how deep or traumatic your shadow is rooted within yourself. I know first hand that if it wasn’t for the work that I put in with my therapist 8 and a half years ago that ‘shadow-work’ wouldn’t have come so easily for me during this time. What I didn’t know at the time is that the work my therapist, Michaelene Ruhl, PsyD had me do, was in fact shadow work! I never understood how years of on again off again therapy with different therapists lead me nowhere, but within weeks of working with Michaelene I had such incredible breakthroughs. Now I do! Michaelene takes a more holistic approach, focusing on the energetic connections through ancestral trauma via what is known as [constellations healing]. I do not understand enough myself to explain what that means exactly, HA, however, she knows her stuff and worked her >magic<. Or rather, lead me to working [my own]!! If you are interested in knowing more about what Michaelene has to offer, here is her website! 🙂

One of the biggest takeaways from working with her and what I have come to realize with TSE, is the use of physical representations. These “tools” that I’ve spoken of. Michaelene used to have these little wooden figures that we’d use to represent people, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, AnYtHtInG – so that I could physically see what it is that I was working with. Taking it out of my mind, off my shoulders and placing it in front of myself to truly {see} it for what it was. That’s all ‘witchcraft’ really is if you really think about it. It’s using objects to represent whatever it is that you need help with, as a physical representation that you can see, feel, smell, hear, taste. A totum to remind yourself what it is you want and a way to allow yourself to believe it, with said reminder. Now, could this be simply a placebo effect? Absolutely! But let me ask you, why would that be a bad thing if so? The psychological phenomenon from the placebo effect is nothing to be ashamed of! If it helps someone to be the better version of themselves, why is that something to be looked down upon? If you are not causing harm to yourself or anyone else, NO ONE can tell you what is or isn’t right for yourself!!

Holistic Witchery has no set time frame in which it needs to be completed. There are live sessions every few months, though the program is constantly evolving as they figure out what is the best way to present the material. It can be very overwhelming as you are given everything at once and left on your own to work through most of it. There are live Zoom sessions in which you go over things and are able to ask questions, and even ask questions in the group chats via their app. But again, there is no set time frame and they make sure to reiterate that often, that just because you may not “graduate” during a certain live round, doesn’t mean you failed. It simply means that you are taking your time to better understand and work on yourself. AND if you DO graduate during a live round time frame, your work is never truly over; you just dig deeper each round – if you want to. Which personally I don’t know why anyone wouldn’t want to as it is literally life changing! Ha ha. Technically right now the program is set up at a self paced 12 month course with about 3 ‘live rounds’ a year at roughly 4 months each. There is also Enchanted Journey, which is their paid membership program that is monthly, in which you learn about a core subject for a year. For example, this year is Rocks, Herbs and Stories. This course has been broken up into 4 sections, the Cosmic witch, Earth witch, Sea witch and Hearth witch. Oobbbbviously being the mermaid that I am, the Sea witch unit has been uh-may-zing!! Being a Pisces born in March, knowing that aquamarine is known as: ‘mermaid’s treasure’, is that much more thrilling for someone such as myself! And again, just like with Holistic Witchery, Enchanted Journey, as well as Expedition Astrology or ANY of their programs for that matter, have NO set time frame in which you are expected to complete. Once you are a member of said program, you are for as long as you desire. Life. Ever. etc. Even upon completion! <- which just adds to the intent of it all. TSE may be a company which does require some investment into yourself, depending on how involved you want to be, but it’s just that – an investment into -YOURSELF- that never goes away! The community, love and support is there forever, and that my friends you cannot put a price tag on!

SO… after much debate due to knowing we were getting a new kitchen and flooring, I decided that joining Holistic Witchery was what I wanted and convinced Igor that it was what I >needed<!! I paid to join while he finally paid to upgrade his bike to an electric one, something that he, too, had been pondering due to cost. It was a win-win for us both, just maybe not our savings account. HA! Going into 2022 I knew this was going to be -MY- year; 22 -is- [my] number after all! I knew that I needed to work on myself and find a way to bring in an income. I may not be able to work a conventional job due to my health but it was time to figure something out! I didn’t know what, but with the boys both in school, I needed purpose.. I joined Holistic Witchery with that sole intention in mind and in doing so, I got one year of free access to the Enchanted Journey membership. I’m telling you, best decision I’ve ever made for myself!

Like I have said too many times now, technically there is no set time frame ::brokenRecordOverhere:: but there is the 4 month live session and the 12 month guide. I didn’t think it was going to happen, but your girl here managed to >GradUate< from the program in just 4 months!!! And yes, I am [damn] proud of myself! So what were my 3 intentions that I wanted to change while I worked the program? You’ll find out in my next post. ::GrinsaDevilishGrin::

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W.I.T.C.H.

“Woman.in.total.control.of.herself” – Devon Cole

Let me ask you something… When you hear the word, [“witch”], what is the very first image to come to mind? Is it something along the lines of the Wicked Witch of the West from the Wizard of Oz; a woman conjuring up evil spells and hexes? Or do you see someone being one with nature, using Earth’s resources and ‘Lunar energy’ for the betterment of themselves and the world around them? What about when you hear the word, [“pagan”]? Do you see a Celtic or Nordic herbalist dancing under the full moon -naked- with a bunch of other women in the woods?

What about: Enchantress? Sorceress? Magician? Occultist? Alchemist? Fortune-teller? Soothsayer? Clairvoyant? Medium? Seer? <- is it a combination of fairy tales, “devil worship”, evil and scam artists?

Below are some definitions according to the Oxford Dictionary.

Witch noun:
a woman thought to have magic powers, especially evil ones, popularly depicted as wearing a black cloak and pointed hat and flying on a broomstick

Pagan noun:
a person holding religious beliefs other than those of the main world religions

^ Are those what you pictured? If the answer is yes, then I ask you, how come? Personally, I -didn’t- know the true definition of ‘paganism’ as I believed it just to be a >practice< of pre-Christian traditions, but nothing resembling a religion. Especially because I knew that [Wicca] is a {religious} version of paganism. However, according to Oxford, religion is: “the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, especially a personal God or gods.” The fact polytheism is a belief among pagans makes sense that it would be considered a religion, I just never thought of it that way. 

When you think of “witchcraft” and “Voodoo” are you plagued with thoughts of evil doings? Do you get the same reaction when you hear the word, “[magic]”, or do you think of make believe, Christmas, Disney, Harry Potter and illusionists such as David Blaine? And if you add a K at the end?

Witchcraft noun:
the malevolent exercise of supposed supernatural powers, especially by women, attributed to a connection with the devil or evil spirits.

Voodoo noun:
a religion practiced in parts of the Caribbean and the southern US, combining elements of Roman Catholic ritual with traditional African magical and religious rites, and characterized by sorcery and spirit possession

Magic noun:
the power of apparently influencing the course of events by using mysterious or supernatural forces

Magick noun:
action or effort undertaken to effect personal transformation or external change

If -Voodoo- brings associations of evil, can you explain how, when it uses Roman Catholic rites? Or do you just look past that part? Or is Catholicism evil? <- I won’t argue that; but isn’t it usually those who are very Christian and/or Catholic the ones who make the association of Voodoo being evil? Adding a K at the end of -magic- often makes one think back to witchcraft, but how is {personal transformation} “malevolent exercise of supposed supernatural powers, attributed to a connection with the devil or evil spirits”?

Although, many remove the K and think of >magic< as drawing on an energy field that is believed to be surrounding all of us. It is used to heal themselves and others, or to find a new home or job, among other things. Magic is used for -changing- the practitioner as much as their circumstances, encouraging adherents to pursue self-growth and self-empowerment, with emphasis that magic must not cause harm. Are those who call on the elements, use herbal ‘concoctions’ and practice meditation and divination as tools to help unlock their subconcious in order to become the best version of themselves, evil? A lot of what is considered magic above is brought to you by ancient Nordic, Celtic and Buddhist cultures.

Do you consider Healers and Shamans practitioners of witchcraft or magic? Are they evil? I don’t know about you but when I think of a Healer I see someone trying to help those around them. And a Shaman by definition is: “a person regarded as having access to, and influence in, the world of good and evil spirits, especially among some peoples of northern Asia and North America. Typically such people enter a trance state during a ritual, and practice divination and healing.” <- in Indigionus cultures, Shamans are their healers, their doctors. That’s evil? Who’s to say one way or another because honestly, who has the authority to determine what “evil” even means outside of purposefully causing harm to others? Again, I don’t know about you, but I don’t know anyone who would consider self-growth to be harmful to others. Is setting boundaries for yourself harmful to others? Some may try to make you feel that way but the truth is, it’s not!!

Now, you are probably wondering, ‘why the heck is this even being discussed?’ And the truth is, I didn’t go into this blog with a purpose of explaining or making you question what “words” mean. And that’s all they are… [words]!

The real question is, why do some of the above bother some but not others?

It wasn’t until Christianity that anyone using holistic witchcraft became known as an -evil being-, because it wasn’t until then that witchcraft even became a thing. Oh no, don’t get me wrong, using crystals, herbs, Lunar phases, divination tools and calling upon the elements existed way before Christianity, it just wasn’t considered >Evil<. It was [a way of life], and still is for many Indigiounse cultures. Christianty is very much a ‘man is in charge’ mindset, whereas prior other cultures considered women as equals, or even better than a man. So when Christiantiy bloomed and took over, women who didn’t conform to the new societal views were considered different. And if history has taught us anything, differen’t = bad, am I right? It’s absolutely ridiculous to think, let alone believe, that if someone is different than you, whether it be gender, sexual orentation, color, religion, nationality – whatever, that they are bad and/or wrong while you are the good guy and one who is right. Who told you what was good and what was bad, wrong or right? Just because someone may have -told- you something while being indoctrinated, doesn’t mean that person is correct!!

Personally, as I’ve mentioned before in [10. Twin Flame] I believe everything is energetically connected. I don’t believe in one ‘almighty’ – does that make me wrong or ‘bad’ just because I have differing views? If your religion says so, then you see my issue with organized religion. Humans are humans; just because one believes something over another doesn’t make them a superior being. Just because one is born in poverty doesn’t make them any less of a human than one born into wealth. Money is money, a material object, not a life. If one’s actions or beliefs have [nothing] to do with negatively impacting another, who has the authority to call them wrong and/or bad, or even ‘evil’?

Easy. NO ONE!!! Absolutely no one.

With the way things are going in the U.S. with the Supreme Court taking human rights away from women, all I can think about is how women of the past were ridiculed and legitimately killed just for being a woman. Hell, they still are in some countries today! Women are freaking :magical:! What our bodies do to grow and nurture another is more than a man ever could, physiologically or mentally. So why is it we’re considered less than? Why is it we’re considered the inferior gender and/or sex? If it wasn’t for current religions we wouldn’t be; and it infuriates me that just because I was born with a double X chromosome, I am somehow less than? F that! The human race literally wouldn’t exist without women!! It’s as simple as that. Period. I may not go around with a pink hat with cat ears, but I without question support equality among >all< humans, not just dependent on their gender, biological sex, color, sexual orientation, etc.

This post isn’t about the Supreme Court’s decision, this post is about how women are powerful beings in and of themselves! How a way of life became something “evil” when in reality no harm was done; therefore, making the “evil” argument [moot]. How a woman standing strong in her convictions, beliefs and rituals lead to her being a “witch” practicing -witchcraft-, all because she didn’t bow down to the new ‘man-in-charge’ mindset. How she was doing the “Devil’s” work because she was using herbal connections to treat ailments and reciting a different version of a [prayer] in the terms of a [spell]. Again, just words. Just words being put out into the universe with hopes of a positive change in some way. Just like a prayer…

My entire life I have been in love with and obsessed with the Salem Witch trials. The only time I ever got anything other than a C in 7th grade English, was when I got an A+ for my speech and deliverance about the trials. My passion and heart has always been there. In doing genealogy and other research, taking classes and whatnot; I have come to learn so much about myself, my Celtic heritage and why I feel so connected to the trials. Why I have been obsessed with all things “witchy” my entire life and wish Halloween was all day, every day. My soul is connected to the universe, it’s energy and everything from here to there.

If my calling upon the elements, my own higher power/spirit or the universe, my use of divination tools such as tarot cards or pendulums to help me unlock parts of my subconscious that may be hidden otherwise, my yearning to live an intentional life trusting in signs and following my intuition, my belief in the energetic vibrations that have been scientifically proven to manipulate other energetic vibrational waves of things around them (such as crystals), my belief and understanding behind the psychology, math and science that goes into not only tarot but also astrology, and how everyone is individually affected by the universe, our planets and the lunar phases… if all of that makes me a “>witch<” – then I bow down as the Enchantress that I am because the {only} thing that I am doing, is trying to be the BEST version of myself that I can be!!! You know that Disney or Christmas ‘magical’ feeling? That’s the feeling I want for myself everyday, so I only put positivity out there and look for the light within my shadows, so that I can live a life full of my own magick!!

Devon Cole sang it best when she said that a witch is a [Woman In Total Control of Herself!] <- uh, yeah! I’ll accept that title! ::check::

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9oazB7lWRw

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Rapid 100

Today I thought I’d do something different. I really enjoy answering questions / doing surveys, so I thought I’d find a fun questionnaire to answer. Here’s a rapid 100 facts:

1. What are your hobbies? Reading, writing, painting, tarot, tv/movies, and puzzles. 📖📝🎨🃏🎥🧩 

2. Do you collect anything? I used to collect fairies, but now I focus more on pigs, crystals and mermaid stuff. 🧚🏻‍♀️🐷💎🧜🏼‍♀️ 

3. What are you passionate about? Genealogy, writing and self betterment. 🧬📝✨

4. What is your most prized possession? My teddy bear. 🧸

5. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life? Completing my first book challenge and crushing it by 220%! 📚💪🏼

6. What is on your bucket list? A lot but number one is meeting a distant relative in Ireland. 🇮🇪

7. What is your favorite recent memory? Igor baking me my anniversary cake. 👨🏻‍🍳🎂

8. What is your favorite holiday? Halloween! 💀👻

9. Who knows you best? My mother or husband.

10. What skill would you most like to learn? I’d like to become a better painter. 👩🏼‍🎨 

11. Where is the coolest place you traveled? Salem, MA!! 🧙🏻‍♀️

12. Who is your hero? RBG.👩🏻‍⚖️

13. Who is the smartest person you ever met? This is tough, I honestly think my 9yo will grow up to be. 🤓

14. What is one thing that instantly makes your day better? Snuggling Igor or Kellan. (L isn’t a cuddler) 🤗

15. When did you first feel like an adult? I still don’t… 🤷🏼‍♀️🤨

16. Whose opinion do you care most about? I’m learning to make it my own, but Igor’s, too. 💁🏼‍♀️

17. What is the most important decision you have ever made so far? Becoming a mother and choosing between my medication vs. brestfeeding. 🤰🏼🤱🏼

18. Aside from necessities, what one thing could you not go a day without? Something to read! 📖

19. What do you enjoy spending money on? I don’t like spending money, but I enjoy getting things that help me become the best version of myself. ✨

20. What is something that always makes you smile? Puppies.🐶 

21. What are you most thankful for? My miracle baby. 👶🏼

22. What is the greatest challenge or struggle you have ever faced? Being a chronically ill mother to 2 children with their own challenges. ♿️👩‍👦‍👦

23. What is the biggest risk you ever took? Probably publishing my blog. 

24. Tell me your life story in exactly one sentence. I have been {through it all}. 

25. What is the strangest coincidence that ever happened to you? I don’t believe in coincidence. But let’s go with the number 22. [read blog #15.]

26. What is your favorite random fact? In Alabama it’s illegal to tie an alligator to a fire hydrant. 🚫🐊

27. What is your useless talent? Curling my tongue into a w/clover. 

28. What is the strangest food combination you enjoy? Uh.. potato chips on pbj?

29. If you could choose one superpower, what would it be? Telekinesis 🫥

30. What is your strangest irrational fear? Holes. 🕳 Trypophobia is legit, guys! 😫

31. Describe your most eccentric family member. Myself.. and my dad’s cousin Linda. 

32. Have you ever met a celebrity? Yes, Taylor Swift! 😍 

33. What is the craziest thing you ever did on a dare? I honestly have no idea. I did a lot of crazy stuff when I was younger. 🥴

34. What songs are on the soundtrack to your life? This is a really good question that’ll take a lot of reflecting. Maybe I’ll make a whole post about it, I love the idea of it! 🎶 

35. What actor would you choose to play you in your biopic? Joey King or Elizabeth Olsen. 

36. What is your go-to karaoke song? Something by TS I’m sure. Or Spice girls or even Katy Perry. Or Pink. Haha 

37. Create and describe an undercover alias. I’ve been living as someone else for too long. I’m here to be [me]!

38. What is your most random impulse buy? Probably my floral planchette. 

39. What did you do as a teenager that makes you cringe now? Mm.. probably my skatin’ days when I’d leave with friends. 🫣

40. What would your warning label say? Caution, easily broken. ⚠️ 

41. What is your guilty pleasure? Watching Siesta Key. 🌊👙

42. What emoji do you use most often? 🤣👀🤦🏼‍♀️🤯🥰✨

43. A genie grants you the ability to have infinite amounts of one item. What is it? Crystals/gems/rocks 💎🪨 

44. What is your favorite joke? The U.S. healthcare system. 😏

45. What is the best Halloween costume you ever wore? Hands down, my mermaid costume 2020 🧜🏼‍♀️ 

46. What is the most awkward situation you ever found yourself in? This one is hard, I’m not sure. Maybe the time I nearly bumped into my former friend/“sister” as she acted like she didn’t know me, or spending time at my in-laws while Igor drove his grandma home, before we were married. 

47. What is the most ridiculous thing you believed as a child? I saw the tooth fairy in a pink and purple leotard with hairy legs. 🤣🦷🧚🏻‍♀️

48. What is the most outrageous lie you told a child? I was a good kid… 🤷🏼‍♀️

49. What is the dumbest way you injured yourself? Ha. All I have to do is move and I get injured. Probably breaking my foot stepping ON to the couch. ♿️🩼

50. How do you waste time most often? Facebook and SHEIN ; though now that I’m back in “school” I don’t really use Facebook as much. 

51. What do you think would most impress your five year old self? Your 15 year old self? 5 year old self: that my parents are best friends. 15 year old self: I’m fortunate enough to be living the life that I do, with my health.

52. What kind of elderly person do you hope to be? One who looks back at my life without regrets. 

53. What is your favorite website? Canva. 

54. What is your favorite season? Autumn 🍂🍁

55. What book changed your life? Star Girl ⭐️👧🏼 

56. How do you prefer to exercise? Standing up. 😅 No, yoga, cycling, swimming or weighted hula hoop. 🤸🏼‍♀️🚴🏼‍♀️🏊🏻‍♀️

57. What movie do you wish you could watch again for the first time? The SAW series. 🪚🤡

58. What is one story you love to tell, but rarely get the chance? I mean, the chaos that took place on my Wedding day is always fun. 

59. What is one question you wish people would ask you more? I don’t know…🤔Maybe, if I’d give them a reading?🃏

60. What is one question you wish people would ask you less? “How are you feeling?”

61. What was the first concert you attended? The best concert? 1st. Martina McBride and Best, Taylor’s Fearless when I got to meet her. 😍

62. What is your favourite quote?  I love too many but maybe: Luctor et emergo (I struggle but I survive) 

63. What is the last book you read? Haven’t finished yet but F*ckboy Psychos, Scarlett Force #1. 

64. What is the last TV show you binged watched? The Flight attendant. ✈️ 

65. What movie could you quote by heart? Practical Magic, Drop Dead Fred, Sweet Home Alabama, RENT and the Wizard of Oz. 

66. What do you dislike that everyone else seems to like? Cilantro 🌿🤢

67. What do you like that everyone else seems to dislike? Edible lavender. Teas, baked goods, etc.🤤

68. What makes you happiest? The peace of being on/near the water, just listening to nature. 

69. Describe yourself in three words. Empathetic, passionate, fighter.  

70. If given the opportunity, what book would you write? Well I was writing a book but turned it into this blog. 👩🏼‍💻

71. What is your favorite kind of cuisine? Food. Haha, I can’t decide between Italian, Chinese and Mexican. 🍝🥠🌮

72. What is the best meal you have ever eaten? The meal at the French restaurant at the resort on our Honeymoon. 

73. If you won the lottery, what would you do first? Either invest it or get a small lake house. 

74. What is your favorite cocktail? Uh.. I don’t know just give me something fruity.🍹

75. Do you have any tattoos? If not, are there any tattoos you want? I do, I have 5 and am in the process of designing the side piece I’ve wanted for almost 20 years!

76. What are you allergic to? All the usual environmental things, animals, shell fish. But nothing serious or life threatening. 

77. What is your favorite color? Pink and purple. 💕💜

78. What is your favorite animal? Piggies 🐷 

79. Do you have any pets? Currently a cat named Precious. 🐈‍⬛ 

80. Do you have brothers or sisters? I have 1 living brother and 1 👼🏼 

81. When is your birthday? March 10th. 

82. What is the farthest you have traveled from home? Either California or Washington.

83. What is your favorite summer activity? Swimming/being out on the water. 🏊🏻‍♀️ 🛶 

84. What is your favorite winter activity? Ice skating. ⛸ 

85. What is your favorite food? Pizza 🍕, peanut-butter, chocolate 🍫 and ice cream 🍦 

86. If you could choose a new name, which one would it be? When I was younger I loved Harmony but honestly, Jena is really pretty and the spelling is unique. 

87. Who is your favorite superhero? Wolverine, though I loved RDJ’s Ironman 

88. Who is your favorite Disney character? Pua 🐷 (how stinking adorable?!) But really Genie 🧞‍♂️ and Mal! 🔮👩🏻‍🎤

89. What is the best vacation you have ever taken? Our road trip to Salem, MA!! 🧙🏻‍♀️ 

90. What are you afraid of? Igor or I getting really sick and are unable to do the things we’ve always talked about. 💔 My children’s safety. Life without my parents. Annnd Spiders 🕷, ticks and other insects that fly and inflict pain/damage. 🦟🐝 

91. What is your favorite snack? Anything salty 🧂 and crunchy.  Right now I’m on a major Funions kick. 

92. What is your favorite story? Old school story? Cinderella. 👸🏼

93. What is the bravest thing you ever did? Start this blog. 👩🏼‍💻 Annnd submitting a pitch to the Huffington Post. 👀

94. Who is the best cartoon character? Leah from Shimmer & Shine. She’s basically me in cartoon form. 🧞‍♀️✨

95. If you could make one rule for everyone in the world to follow, what would it be? No discrimination or hate. ☮️🚫

96. If you could own any animal as a pet, what would you choose? Uh, a brown and tan cavalier king Charles, duh! 😍

97. What is the coolest thing you ever made? A seashell 🐚 decoration for my mermaid🧜🏼‍♀️ bathroom. 

98. What is your favorite way to spend an afternoon? Taking time to meditate/yoga 🧘🏼‍♀️ , do some tarot 🃏 and be present with nature🌳. 

99. What is your favorite sport? Playing I enjoy ⚾️ ; watching probably 🏈 – except I love watching KB play baseball. Oh, and cheer. 📣

100. What is your favorite song? The Climb 🧗‍♀️

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Expedition to Soul

“who you are is hidden beneath all the LAYERS
of who you were told you should be”
– The Sisters Enchanted

As I’ve mentioned before in [Awakening], I have been on a journey to self-discovery since I spiraled from a severe PMDD breakdown in 2020. I may have come to find myself, for the most part, but I also know that one can never stop working on themselves – especially when it comes to leading/living a life of intention; because by leading with intention in everything you do, it’s easier for you to get to where you want to go. Your intuition grows and understanding what -is- for you and/or -not- for you, gets faster and easier to determine.

This past week I took part in something called, Expedition to Soul, put on by The Sisters Enchanted. Expedition to Soul was a 5 day “quest” to [self]. TSE describes a -quest- as, “a journey toward a specific goal. There are often obstacles that need overcoming and sometimes villains to defeat. Often there are twists and turns along the way that ultimately reveal the truest purpose of the quest.” It kind of reminds me of {The Fool’s Journey} in tarot. The Fool’s Journey is a metaphor for the >journey through life<. Each -major- arcana card stands for a stage on that journey, the phases and trials you’ll face; the experiences that a person must incorporate to realize their wholeness.

Sara Walka, the founder of The Sisters Enchanted, said it best when she said, “Before any great quest, there is the sensation of something building. A call to change, a series of events that primes us for a grand adventure, or a knowing that the next version of you lies on the other side of an expedition to a place yet to be determined.” <- Seriously, truer words have not been spoken, especially when on a self-discovery journey! Going into ETS my intent was to better understand and trust my intuition as well as perceived signs. I knew that I was going to face barriers and boundaries and mapped out what that may have looked like for myself, as a visual. However, as mentioned above, just because I went into this quest thinking one thing, doesn’t mean that was the quest I ended up on.

Day 1 was about reclaiming your energy, cutting the webs attached to everything and anything you’ve ever encountered. Coming back to you, just you – yourself. I never realized how much of my energy was weighed down, connected to everyone and everything else. I mean, I know I’m an empath but I never knew that “recharging” wouldn’t truly revive my energy on its own. The visualization activity was absolutely freeing!! There was an additional healing meditation that I felt was a bust for myself; I woke up shaking and freezing halfway through and planned to revisit the replay later. Although, about a half hour later I fell into an unexpected two hour nap. Clearly my body/mind/spirit wasn’t done with the -healing- aspect from the [botched] meditation and figured out its own way to release whatever it was that was needed. I woke up from that nap feeling as I normally would after a successful session! It was definitely an odd sensation because I’ve never actually woken up midway through a guided meditation before, I felt so energetically sick and off. I was relieved after waking from my nap, feeling as I had expected to feel from the meditation. I do however still plan to revisit the replay and try again.

We were also supposed to take a mini [pilgrimage] if able to. A pilgrimage is typically a journey to someplace of sacred or spiritual significance. However, that location is -your- location, the place YOU feel is sacred or spiritual for yourself. Leading up to this week my goal was always to drive myself to this little beach where I go to recharge. That would have been two [major] steps for me; driving there and going alone! Unfortunately life has a way of keeping you in check. Not only had my car been broken and wasn’t back from the shop until Monday afternoon, it also decided to SNOW here in Michigan, at the end of April, after it was in the 70’s the week before! I then figured I’d try later in the week but unfortunately my youngest was home sick from school Tus-Fri. I made it a >goal< to drive myself to this location and I am-not- giving it up, it’ll just be on my own time instead of during this particular quest!! So instead of getting to the lake, I headed out to my sunroom with a mini heater, because the sunroom has always been my place for {zen} at home. Unfortunately it’s not insulated so it gets too cold during the winter and too hot in the summer to spend full days out there. However, I was reminded this week that I definitely need to spend more time out there on a regular basis!

Day 2 was about assembling your allies and taking the step to be “all in.” The thing about allies though is that [no one] can be a better ally to you, than yourself! I know that may sound ridiculous, especially to those of us who have faced past trauma and often self-sabotage. But see, you needed the past versions of you to bring you to your present self, who is then in charge of shaping what your future versions will look like. Instead of running, hiding, or whatever else you may do to forget your past, you need to embrace it and appreciate it. It may not be easy but it’s necessary in order to become the best version of yourself, though it will definitely require some -shadow- work. I used magazine cut outs to form a collage of who I was, am and want to be. I also used my ‘Heal Yourself Oracle’ deck and chose the cards: Self-Sabotage for my past, Healing and Discover your life’s purpose for present and Phoenix Rising for my future.

We were also tasked with conjuring up a ‘spell’ or ritual  for ourselves to help shed whatever it was that we needed to leave behind, so that we could fully commit to receiving whatever it was that we needed to receive on this quest. Seeing as I am a visual person, I made up a body scrub to help me visualize the [shedding] of whatever it was that was preventing me from being the best version of me that I can be. And let me tell you, I understand why putting different ingredients together and saying some words for intention, while using said mixed ingredients, is considered >witchcraft< …  it was a downright [magical] experience and so, so freeing! Ha. If you don’t want to take my word for it and/or want to try it yourself – here is the ‘spell’ I came up with:

The best me I can be: “Today I bring together my past, present and future selves, to allow myself the courage to rise above and release what’s holding me back, to move forward with joy and prosperity, believing in myself, trusting my intuition and continuing to be the best me I can be. And so it’ll be.”
2 TBs of pink Himalayan salt
2 TBs of sugar
2 TBs of grapeseed oil
Essential oils:
4 drops of Joy
5 drops of Valor (for courage)
2 drops of Rise Above
2 drops of Release
3 drops of Believe
Stirred with a cinnamon stick (for prosperity) 3 times to right for intent while repeating, “and so it’ll be!”

Day 3 we worked on continuing to challenge ourselves despite the discomfort. To  [enter the cave] not knowing what will be on the other side. This is where the shadow work comes in. Everything in life has a light side as well as a dark side, the dark being the shadow. Light is what brings us strength while shadow is what gets in our own way. When it comes to astrology there are always two sides to every sign. There is a WHOLE heck of a lot that goes into astrology when it comes to the different signs, houses, planets, etc. I’m not going to get into it all but one thing to look at when facing your shadow, is your {Moon Sign}. Your Moon Sign is different from your Sun Sign, which is your main sign that you’d look at for your horoscope. And for those who don’t believe in astrology and horoscopes, that’s perfectly okay! I mean, how could everyone born between x and x day have the exact same horoscope, right? They can’t and don’t… which is why I said there is a whole heck of a lot that goes into it, and once you understand your birth chart better it really does then fall in line and make sense.

You have your Sun Sign – your identity, your Moon Sign – the soul behind your identity, and your Rising Sign – your social personality. 
The [Sun Sign] is the essence that you shine out into the world. It is how you answer the question “I am”; how you experience life and express your individuality.
The [Moon Sign] represents your subconscious and is the force behind your emotional reactions. It’s what allows you to feel joy and sorrow, pain and pleasure, and gives you insight on how to restore and nurture yourself.
The [Rising Sign] (also called Ascendant) represents your physical body and outward style, the manifestation of both your inner and outer world.

Horoscopes are just a generalization and not the true root of astrology. Literally everyone, depending on their chart, can have a bit of any sign’s characteristics. Thus is why people often brush off astrology and horoscopes. BUT! Once you understand it better, you may not feel the same skepticism as you once did!! It really is fascinating.

I am a Pisces (Sun) so I am motivated by deep emotional desires and recharge through emotional experiences. <- makes sense given how Day 1 went by reclaiming my own energy. I am a Sagittarius (Moon) so I react to changing experiences with direct action and excitement. I feel the most aligned and balanced when I am expressing confidence, ditching negative self-talk and showing my strength. <- again, SO true; look at where I am today from where I was! And I am a Cancer (Rising) which means that I am sensitive, empathetic and easily influenced by my environment. I approach life by being deeply rooted in my emotional body. <- uh, yah think?! Anyone could have told you that…

Anyway, looking at my signs, focusing on my shadow brings me back to the [dark] side of Sagittarius; and for me that’s seeking experiences and freedom for emotional security. Because Cancer and Pisces feel {so deeply}, I tend to escape, shut down, build a wall and become numb when emotions get to be too much. I subconsciously feel as though I need to run, get out of where I’m at and -do- something, anything, other than be with my feelings, because I am with my feelings all the damn time! Being a double water baby it’s no wonder my heart is on my sleeve! Getting to know and understanding your shadow will show you why you react the way you do in everyday life, you are able to see it for what it is, and gain >control< back for yourself! Rewrite the narrative, you survived x and are stronger because of it.

Day 4 took me some time. I regrettably didn’t finish on time because there was just too much going on, which also set me back for day 5. Just prior to Expedition to Soul there was a 21 day self care challenge that I completed. It was the very first time I have ever completed a challenge, doing every day on its intended day. That was [major] for me, so I did feel a little defeated when I got behind for days 4 & 5. But as I’ve learned and came to realize, with the help of The Sisters Enchanted community, everyone is on their own journey – on their own time!

So day 4 we were asked to do two visualizations (similar to mini meditations). The first one was to envision our future selves. Now that we had done the shadow work, faced the unknown and allowed ourselves to truly feel and be with our emotions. Now that we had worked on understanding the [why] we did certain things, how did we envision using our new ‘tools’ to help us moving forward? Honestly? I fell asleep attempting this one, twice… I was explaining this to my cousin, Sara and she pointed out that I saw myself well rested. Ha. All about perspective, right? However, just prior to falling asleep, and almost every other future visualization I’ve done, I see myself wrapped up in a cozy blanket, on a comfy bench or chair, by the lake at dusk with a mug of something warm to drink. I see us either moving to a smaller town with a smaller, older home right on the water – or we make it a tradition of renting a home and/or AirBnb annually. Being on/near the water has always been my go-to for comfort, my peace, my slice of ‘heaven’. You know, that whole {mermaid} soul and all.

The second visualization was to envision a talisman for yourself, a physical object to remember what this week revealed to you; to have the visual of the intention of where you want to be. Although, it’s not so much about knowing the answer of where you want to be, but rather supporting yourself as you move forward. It’s about the connection to your object. The feeling it gives you, the reminder it gives you, cultivating a way of being. The future visualization was to help us figure out how we [want] to -feel- and this talisman is to represent and remind us of that feeling, to help us get to where we want to be. On day one I was drawn to my raw emerald stone. I have never actually worked with emerald but I couldn’t put it down. That night I placed it on my nightstand and it stayed there all week. The second I started the visual activity the image of my emerald stone on my nightstand came to mind. As I continued listening to the guided visualization, it kept popping back into my mind. I knew then that this stone was meant for this quest and the perfect thing for a talisman!

Except, it didn’t feel complete. As I continued the visualization an old antique key came to mind. It reminded me of when I first fell in love with old houses, on the water. My grandfather had rented a house on the water one summer. That was the first time I saw a real {skeleton key} and have been fascinated by antique keys since! <- DUH! Of course an old key goes with the emerald – it’s literally a perfect combo for this specific talisman and this particular quest! But, what do I tie them together with? It only took a second and my heart (intuition?)  knew exactly what was needed. Growing up I took my -baby blanket- with me quite literally everywhere! My > Te-Te <! As the years went on and it started falling apart, both of my parents put away a piece knowing that one day I would want it as a keepsake. Obviously being the sentimental water baby that I am, that is as much a ‘duh’ as is [fuck yeah]! My Te-Te was everything to me, as well as my Teddy from [08. Auntie]. Until I almost lost Teddy on my honeymoon, that bear went on every vacation with me! I cut a piece of my Te-Te and wore it as an anklet at my wedding, so it is -only- fitting that I used some string from the “blanket” to secure my emerald to the old key!

Day 5 was reflecting on the week as well as learning the Five I’s, and seeing how we actually used them over the past 5 days. The Five I’s are TSE’s five steps towards having a “magical, intentional, soul-led life”. You start with your Intention. Then you Integrate your intentions into your current selves and lives. Next comes Insight from doing the hard (shadow) work by looking deep within to what’s blocking you. Then you Ideate by piecing together the different ideas and concepts you want for yourself and creating a way to ‘enchant’ your everyday life. Which then brings us to Intuit, using your intuition to know what is best for you and your own lives. The more you use the Five I’s the easier it’ll get to see what’s right for you and you’ll be able to live without unnecessary guilt. The >real< you is often hidden behind all of the -layers- of who you were led to believe you [should] be.

One of my biggest takeaways from working with The Sisters Enchanted is that it’s okay to want more, it’s okay to step into your authenticity, and it’s okay to do life differently! Initially I wanted ETS to help me better understand and trust my intuition and perceived signs. Originally as the week went on I didn’t think that was happening. But as I sat there reflecting I realized that maybe it did to some extent… I still don’t completely understand but I start to feel this excited flutter in my chest when I think of certain things, almost as though it’s my body showing me the [Queen of Wands] yelling, “yaaassss girl!!” If anything I am noticing my confidence and belief in myself because I can feel the possibilities out there. I am no longer feeling caged or defined by my health. I am just so happy and filled with excitement for what’s to come. All week as I took the time to work on my quest I lit the same candle reciting, “this is for my health, happiness and being the best me FOR me!” I finished my quest by dancing it out to Katy Perry’s “Roar” with my new affirmation:
{I am NO longer holding myself back!}

Onward!

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Twice Exceptional

“If you have an argumentative or defiant child be proud that they: are practising skills for becoming a confident leader; feel safe enough to express their views; often have advanced reasoning and logic skills; and are passionate about their points of view.” 
– Dr. Lucy Russell

Twice Exceptional, or 2E, is a term used to describe gifted children with the potential for high achievement, while also dealing with neurodivergent disabilities. Some of these disabilities may include specific learning disabilities (SpLD), speech and language disorders, emotional/behavioral disorders, physical disabilities, autism spectrum, or other impairments such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)”

Both of my kids are considered 2E. They are both gifted but have different “disabilities”. <- I use quotes there because for some reason calling these “disabilities” makes my skin crawl! Leighton lightly falls on the ASD spectrum, has extreme ADHD with behavioral outbursts and severe anxiety. Where as Kellan has dealt with severe speech articulation/phonological process disorders. I myself am 2E but you know, like I was told in school, “Your IQ level is too high. It may be hard for you but you’ve learned a way to overcompensate and make it work.” [07. Ode to my Mentors] In the link above it even mentions that “giftedness is often overshadowed by disabilities, or these students may be able to mask or hide their learning deficits by using their talents to compensate.” – Yup, that was me. And the struggle was real!

I am SO thankful that we have the pediatrician that we do, as well as are in the school district that we are. SO far – they have done a great job meeting the kids’ needs! Kb has an actual iep from early intervention but we haven’t needed to set one up for Leighton, yet. I’m sure the day will come, esp. with middle school around the corner and all the added stressers that brings. He will be 9 when he starts 5th grade, is currently supposed to ride the middle school bus to 6th for math before being bussed back to elementary – but he’s taking a placement test and may end up in 7th grade for math insead. My 9 year old in a classroom of 12-13 year olds? Idfk about that!!

Having a gifted child has its challenges. As does having a neurodivergent child. Add the two of them together? I don’t think anyone could understand unless they themselves have experienced it. And even then, each child is different but there is definitely a deeper level of understanding among 2E parents. I didn’t realize how much more difficult it was until I met another 2E parent! I am SO [thankful] for her and luckily our boys are the same age! Unfortunately they are in a different school district and haven’t been as fortunate with accommodations. 🙁 BUT! Michigan is a ‘school of choice’ state and luckily for her son, he’ll be attending a different school next year where he’ll hopefully get the chance to thrive! ::fingerscrossed:: I honestly can’t wait to hear how it goes because it’s not only for gifted children, it’s a public school and therefore – FREE!! We have looked into private schools for Leighton, but figure elementary school is more for his -social- needs and we’ll see how the district does in middle school. We just can’t see paying tens of thousands of dollars for elementary school. Hell, I don’t know how we’ll do it, shall he need it at all, especially if they both do! It’s ridiculous how much getting an education costs, and don’t even get me started on college…

Leighton has been nothing but go, go, go since before he was born! He has always had his own timeline, it just so happens to be way beyond his years – an [old soul] as they say. He came out screaming and never stopped. Kidding, kind of. ::notkidding:: My pregnancy with him was hell! I was nearly bedridden the whole time. At 6 months I was hospitalized for a week due to my kidneys being taken over by stones; literally – doc said he’d never seen it so bad and it took me the next 3 years to pass them all. (Ha, just like my gallbladder. By the time I had emergency surgery to remove it, it was only working at 1%; usually they try to remove them if they’re only working around 25%! The surgeon took pictures because he had never seen anything like it. Yay me! ::MoreLikeWhyMe::) When I was 33 weeks pregnant my resting heart rate, while lying down, was in the 160s! That alone was hell! Luckily I didn’t have to suffer too much longer as Leighton decided he was done waiting to be born. At 35 weeks, 5 days he made his debut at 6lbs 11oz & 19.5in.

I had a really hard time adjusting as a new mom, as Leighton never slept more than 15 minute increments during the newborn stage. I also had a c-section and wasn’t cleared to do the stairs regularly until 12 weeks, so I either slept on the couch or a blow up mattress. He was hospitalized at 4 months due to RSV and his lungs have since been compromised and prone to developing pneumonia easily. He had such severe reflux (as well as a severe gag reflex) that he basically lived in a bib for the first year and a burp cloth became a permanent fixture upon my shoulder. Two different gastroenterologists suggested Eosinophilic Esophagitis (EE), which is an allergic condition that happens in the esophagus; the esophagus becomes inflamed and does not contract properly. It can get narrowed and develop rings or abscesses. [Sidetrack: I find irony in the two E’s] He was diagnosed as failure to thrive twice but after getting scoped even his GI doc was surprised that he did not show signs of EE!! Due to his gag reflex and top lip tie he couldn’t latch well for breastfeeding, so I exclusively pumped for 4 month and used special bottles that mimicked the breast, in hopes that he’d be able to latch one day. Which he did around 4 months and I nursed him for 15.5 months! Around a year old he wasn’t handling table food and ended up in OT for eating. Turns out his tongue was underdeveloped. At 12 months he experienced his first involuntary “breath holding spell”. A month later he experienced another but it was unlike any other he’d experience going forward. Let me tell you, having to give your own child CPR to then witness a seizure is without question one of the scariest moments you’ll ever encounter!

Involuntary breath holding spells are apparently a common phenomenon. Except, Leighton always has to go above and beyond and happened to be the worst case his pediatrician has ever encountered, as well as the neurologist’s. [Yes, we are that -(un)fortunate- to have such terrible luck, and no, I am not exaggerating when I tell you something was the “worst” according to our doctors.] There are usually tips and tricks you can do to get your child to breathe again, such as: blowing in their face/mouth, spritzing them with water, a loud toy (squeaky) noise – kind of like a shock to bring them out of it. Leighton however, never came to before passing out. Once he was going into a spell, literally nothing worked until he [came to] after losing consciousness. Kellan had his first episode when he was 3 months and let me tell you, his spells were so much worse than Leighton’s {in the moment}, however, I can count on my hands the number of times it happened to Kb. Leighton? Leighton was having episodes upwards of 10x a day+!

Any 2E parent knows how explosive their child’s behavior can get. The kid knows what they want but are too young to emotionally regulate logic. Leighton knew his alphabet, [both] upper and lower cases, by 18 months old. I don’t share that as a brag, I share that to give you an understanding of how mentally a head he was, while still barely being a toddler. Emotional development is still something he’s working on at 9 1/2; and it’s exhausting to say the least! So, we had to give in to him and try our best to not upset him, because he could flip like a switch and end up turning blue and passing out. It was terrifying to experience but after a while it became so normal that I didn’t even fret or try to prevent it. No use stressing over it knowing there really wasn’t anything I could do.

The neurologist discovered that his brain ferritin iron levels were low. He had to have special iron panel tests monthly because normal blood work showed normal levels. Yeah – getting a toddler’s blood drawn monthly is as wonderful of an experience as you’d imagine… ::SideEyesofSarcasm:: Treatment? Straight up liquid iron twice a day. Bleh, I legit gag just thinking back to those days! I really wish I would have written down some of the recipes because, I made some bomb smoothies back then to mask the flavor and get his nutrients in!! That was the -only- way I could get the iron into him, twice a day, and even then it took a while to find what really worked to hide that horrifying taste!! We went from 10+ times a day for a few months, to maybe 10 times a month for about the next 9 months. As he got older they slowed and his last one happened when he was about 3 ½ . Only then he replaced passing out with throwing up. His outbursts mimicked The Exorcist, each and every time, until he was about 7. There was no reasoning with him, he’d get so fixated that we couldn’t talk to him. There were times it truly felt that our child was possessed, it was so bad! We don’t believe in physical punishment but there were times it was [hard] to control the desire to just shut him up!

JUST as covid shut everything down, he was supposed to start therapy. Then no one would do virtual visits with him alone because he was only 7. It took a LONG time to finally find someone, and that was only after I was in contact with the school’s social worker a -few- times, practically begging. She finally made it possible because she personally felt that, [and I quote from her email] “a more intensive intervention may be more beneficial for him” instead of her doing Zoom calls with him. Uhm, I am aware he needed “more intensive intervention” but no one would take him on. That’s why I turned to the school’s social worker… for her to just say, {yeah, no.} We may have gotten him in but she could only see him every other week. Once in 14 day was not nearly enough. How can he learn proper coping skills from a professional if said skills couldn’t be reinforced regularly? Trust me lady, I’ve tried and suggested it all. When you’re dealing with a 2E child, with his level of ADHD and Anxiety, we as parent’s need help, too! She did give me a compliment that I have been doing everything right so that was reassuring but, man. It got to the point it felt like we were wasting time and money because she never got to see the [true] Leighton until the very -last- visit! He is so good at masking himself in public, which is that much more frustrating. I understand that this is his home, his safe space, but for us to be constantly met with the behavior we were, the “I don’t knows” and “I can’ts” for every excuse, we were at a total loss.

I -know- how hard it is for him living the way that he is. He hates it! He’s made remarks that he doesn’t “want to live like this.” And while I certainly don’t blame him, as a parent, that’s a very real, very scary thing to hear!! Igor and I have always been concerned about his mental health, especially as he gets older, which is again why we tried getting him help early. The kid would piss himself without giving any fks and would stay in his clothes. He legitimately didn’t care. He also never takes responsibility for himself, everything is always someone else’s fault. He even disassociates his brian/body from himself. “It wasn’t his fault, it’s his brain’s fault.” ::jiminyFreakingcrickets:: She obviously couldn’t tell us what they discussed, but she was very serious in that he [knows] what he’s doing! She didn’t believe that he really needed therapy at that point because until he is willing to listen, and {want} to change the way things are, there is no point. He is so black and white that if you say the -wrong- thing, he no longer listens to what you’re saying until he can correct you, and then claims he was never told xyz. She doesn’t believe that he wants things to be different bad enough, otherwise he’d be making the effort. Of course she wasn’t trying to tell us how to parent, but that he is [stable/safe?] enough for us to start “cracking the whip”, figuratively speaking.

So yeah, one of the fun things we learned about 2E children is that they are – MaSteR- >manipulators<!! Don’t get me wrong, they still struggle which is why he is medicated. BUT! They understand their conditions enough to know how to use them to their advantage. And let me tell ya, it’s been a fucking exhausting 9 ½ years!!!

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17. Strangers

“It’s sad when friends become enemies. but whats even worse is when they become strangers.”
– Hayley Williams

Have you ever had so much you wanted to say to someone but just couldn’t bring yourself to say it; wondering what the point would even be? I have contemplated writing a letter or email for years but I was still in the grieving process, the anger, the hurt, the confusion. Kind of like my letter to Marion [10.Twin Flame] when she disappeared; but something she told me when we reconnected was that she “consciously chose to do so”. Which is true – when someone stops talking to you without explanation [ghosting] and you’ve tried conveying your feelings just to be met with silence or “I don’t know what to tell you” [gaslighting] – that’s on them, an actual choice they made themselves. Friendships come and go all throughout your life and unfortunately not all friendships are meant to last. People come into your life for a reason when you need them, for whatever reason, and exit when the time is right. Sometimes it’s just mutual disconnect and growing apart, other times it’s out of nowhere and one sided. And yeah it hurts like hell when that happens but honestly, it’s their loss! Sadly I guarantee that everyone has experienced something along those lines a time or two+x and it (always) leaves you insecure, wondering what you did. Am I Right? But here’s the thing, [you] didn’t do anything!!

If someone walks away without explanation and completely ghosts you, they themselves have their own issues to work through. Which, okay that’s fine I can accept, but where I find xtreme annoyance (even anger) is when they’re hypocrites, as they themselves have been through it and needed (your) comfort over how much it hurt. Isn’t the {golden rule} to -treat others- the way -you- want to be treated?! If you didn’t like the way someone treated you, why do the same thing to someone else? Oh, that’s right, people only truly care about themselves. My bad! <- Obviously not everyone, but if the pandemic has done anything, it’s shown people’s true colors of straight up selfishness!

So where does this leave me? I was initially just going to write a straightforward letter and leave it here but then I realized that I actually had two people to write about. I planned to leave the letter with the thought that maybe one day they’d come across it. While the other I was going to give the nitty gritty. I think that I’ll save the letter for another entry and discuss a loss that really cut deep, leaving awkwardness in its wake…

Pattie could have gone under both childhood friends and friendships pt 2. We met when I was 11 and she was 21. She was a waitress at one of the restaurants [08. Auntie] and I frequented oh so often. Over the years she became like an older sister to me and another niece to Auntie, she was family. I saw her more than I saw most of my real family, let’s be honest. I mean, she shared pictures of her breast reduction right there while sitting in a booth next to me. Haha.

For my 14th birthday my friends and I had dinner at her restaurant even though she worked day shifts. She surprised me and brought me a beautiful watch for a gift. She was also a cheerleader in high school [06. HS/Diagnosis] so when I had my very first game, she showed up in the stands with a really cute megaphone lamp for me. When I turned 16 she had someone dress up in the restaurant’s mascot costume and dance around singing happy birthday to me – nothing to be embarrassed about, right? Yeah… I was probably just as red as the costume! She came over while I was getting ready for prom. Her sister and I were 20 & 18 at the time, so she made sure the club we went to for her bachelorette party would allow us in. Igor was in Israel at the time so she took me out for my 21st birthday, bought my first legal drink and bottle of wine. It was funny because by that time she was the manager so when I [didn’t] get carded she was pissed even though we weren’t at her restaurant. At the bar afterwards she made a comment loud enough about being sure to show the bartender my I.D., as he too wasn’t about to ask.<- I don’t know how I should take that? Though I was carded at 32 so I’ll call it even. I was at her wedding and then baby shower for her to then be at my wedding and baby shower. In fact, she even came over the morning of my wedding for a quick hug while I was getting ready. Once I was pregnant she gave me tons of maternity clothes and after finding out I was having a boy, she brought me almost a complete wardrobe from her son. She made the desserts and smash cake for Leighton’s first birthday and brought him back a stuffed animal from Disneyworld when her family went for Christmas. The last time I saw her, in terms of actually hanging out and being you know, friends – was January 2014 when my 9 ½ year old was only 16 months.

So how did we go from her being a part of every major event in my life to [>nothing<]? That’s a damn good question!!! However, here’s the hypocrisy. Her Maid-of-Honor and best friend [ghosted] her! She wrote her a letter and it was brushed off. There must be a MoH curse as it happens far too often. I mean, Marion was mine. However, I’d like to think I broke that curse for Lauren’s wedding [02. Dad & 11. Childhood Friendhsips+] but then again, I was her Matron-of-Honor, not maid. And I’ll be a matron again in my cousin Sara’s – so we’re all good. Oh, speaking of Lauren’s wedding; I know I explained in [02. Dad] that one of the two most memorable fights we had growing up was when she threw a handful of panty liners at me, while simultaneously yelling at me to, “eat pads!” ::classic:: I had already written my speech before she asked me if I was going to include that, I wasn’t. However, what she didn’t know was that I had two panty liners (the same old school, folded up in pink wrapping, like she used 20 years prior) closed in my hand while I was giving my speech. Then at the very end, I ended with, “I only have one more thing to say… Lauren – I love you and please do me a favor… eat pads!” and returned the favor of throwing them in her face. It. Was. The. Best!! Obviously only a select few understood why I did it, but she held it together, not letting herself cry, until that moment. It was probably one of the best ideas I’ve ever had. Haha. Anyway, sorry for randomly going off subject, ADHD is fUn my friends!

Pattie’s son’s 4th birthday was that February and the first of his birthdays that I wasn’t invited to. Her excuse was because the kids invited were older and doing dino digs in sand, she didn’t want us to feel uncomfortable with Leighton so young. Um, okay? Shouldn’t that have been my choice? You’d think she’d give me that option considering how close we were. I really didn’t understand and was hurt. However, Igor mentioned that she may have been “butt-hurt” over a comment I left on a status of her’s. Which, I don’t know if she would have been upset or if maybe she thought she upset me? Idk. She had made a comment about someone using an EBT card (food stamps) at the dollar store while their nails were done and they had an iPhone. I tried to point out that “you can’t judge a book by its cover”. No one really has any idea what is going on in someone else’s life. I understand and agree that people cheat the system, however, just because someone {needs} assistance does that mean they [aren’t allowed] nice things from time to time? I used my mother as an example. Mom is on disability and therefore gets assistance, and obvi Pattie knew this. I pointed out that Mom has a smartphone because she was on a plan with my uncles via their business. My dad and Brian wanted to do something nice for her and got her a Coach wallet one Christmas. Should Mom not carry those things around when she needs to use her EBT card? How is that fair to her? Just because someone sees something from the outside doesn’t give them the right to -judge- the situation…

Was I upset over her comment? No, not really. I was annoyed but by responding with what I did was’t to start anything, it was just shedding light from a different perspective. Playing Devil’s advocate. Over the next few months I’d reach out and see how she was doing, expressed that I missed her, etc. She had recently started a new job around Leighton’s 1st birthday that required a lot of time. I understood that but again, to go from talking all the time and only living 3 minutes away from one another to nothing? She was the one who always wanted to be such a big part of my life! Not that I didn’t want her to be, but you know what I mean. Being older she was the one making the choice to be there for me as I grew up. Around the one year mark of being the only one to reach out and receiving very minimal in return – I finally expressed my feelings. You know that whole “insecure, what did I do” thing that crosses your mind when something like this happens? Yeah, it happened. So I asked if there was anything that I did. I explained how I was hurt and didn’t understand. That I missed her and really wanted to know what was going on/what had happened. I was met with a response as though I was crazy and that nothing happened, she was just busy. Not once did she acknowledge my feelings. Not once did she apologize. In fact her exact words were, “I don’t know what to tell you, I’ve just been busy.” <- yup, definitely felt like a brush off with a side of gaslighting. I mean, posting on Facebook all of the fun adventures you’re having with friends and the kids that you’d normally include me in? Oh, sure. “Busy” I got it.

I stopped making much effort after that. I’d occasionally acknowledge something on Facebook but realistically I didn’t see the point. I was clearly no longer a priority in her life and I wasn’t going to sit around begging for friendship.  I never heard from her. Not until one comment on a picture I posted about a local restaurant that is both an Irish pub and sushi bar, over a year after my blown off attempt at maintaining a relationship. A comment about it being good. Da Faq? When I was pregnant with my second I didn’t tell many people. He was a true, true miracle baby and it just felt right keeping it close rather than sharing. Then we had family/maternity pictures and they turned out >so beautiful< that I ended up sharing them on Facebook because how could I not? I didn’t make an announcement or anything, just shared our latest family pictures. I thought I may have heard from her after that since she had recently made that other comment. Nope. I posted the pictures around 3-4 weeks before he was born. Once he was born I obviously made the announcement and shared his newborn pictures etc. Did I hear from her then? Not even a single “like” on a photo. But you know what she did do? She commented on photos of >MY friend’s< new house. They only met [one] time at Leighton’s FirSt birthday!! When I saw that and it had been a few weeks since sharing all the newborn photos, I was pissed. I was done. It just hurt too much. So I unfriended her.

With our kids being close in age they attended the same elementary school. When Leighton was in kindergarten they had a halloween parade outside and as I was walking to a spot to stand her husband called out, “Hey Stranger!” I was so thrown but politely said hello with a smile and asked how he was. That was that. Fast forward to family fun night the following year, I was walking down the hall holding my youngest’s hand and she turned the corner. I happened to look down because Kb said something but she walked right past me, eyes laser focused straight ahead and acted like she didn’t even know me. COol.. The following year’s “welcome back” meet the teachers event was all the more awkward. Any time she saw me she completely averted all attention, turned away. At one point I was walking and she stopped and turned and stood in the doorway looking into Leighton’s old kindergarten classroom. Her son is 2 years older, so why would she be standing there looking into a kinder room? Uncomfortably ignoring me. She stood there for enough time she thought it’d take me to pass and then turned out of the room. She nearly collided with me but I was looking the other way, excusing myself from bumping into someone walking the other way. It was very obvious but we both ignored it. If she’s going to act like she doesn’t know me for whatever reason, sayonara!

When Auntie first had her stroke I contemplated if I would tell her or not when the time came of her passing. I had over 2 years to think about it but ultimately made the decision not to. I do [kind of] feel bad about it, as they were close at one point, but just like most of the rest of the family- no one seemed to give two shits about Auntie once she got sick that I didn’t care for -anyone- being there that didn’t actually care when she was alone. Am I sad about our friendship being over? Of course… I was. I was mad, confused – you know all of the stages of grief, essentially. Someone I dearly loved and cared about was no longer in my life, of course that’s something to be sad over. I actually had a lot of anxiety over possibly running into her [figuratively] all those years, but when she made it distinctly obvious she was avoiding me, all I could do was laugh. She obviously has her own feelings to work through but I can’t care anymore. She no longer holds that uncomfortable power over me. If she does ever want to talk, I’m here but until then, I’ll choose to remember the good times when I was younger rather than how things played out.