Category: Husband

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21. Miracle Baby

“I was given such a great gift. It’s a miracle that never stops amazing me and reminding me to give thanks, every day.”
– Jake owen

With my {miracle baby} turning > s i x < less than a week ago, I can’t help but reflect on how he came to be. Though, if I’m being honest, both of my children are miracle babies. And no, I don’t mean in the whole ‘all babies are God’s miracles” way. I mean, it’s legitimately impressive that they’re here without [complication]!

See, we didn’t know it at the time, but when Igor went for his vasectomy we discovered he only had -one- of his vas deferens. A missing vas is usually associated with renal agenesis (the absence of one or both kidneys) / abnormalities and / or genetic mutations. The urologist said that he had never heard of it otherwise. So, Igor went off to get an ultrasound only to discover that he, too, is a zebra himself! <3

For those not part of the {chronic illness communities}, in medicine, the term “zebra” is used in reference to a rare disease or condition. Doctors are taught to assume that the simplest explanation is usually correct, to expect common conditions. The phrase taught to medical students throughout their training is, “When you hear the sound of hooves, think horses, not zebras.” However, many medical professionals seem to forget that “zebras” >DO< exist, so getting a diagnosis and treatment can be more difficult for sufferers of rare conditions, such as myself!! There is {no} explanation for why Igor only had one of his vas deferens, and seeing as the urologist was stumped himself, I declare my hubby a “zebra”, even if only an honorary one.

That said, the fact we didn’t end up with fertility treatments is the first miracle itself! I even got pregnant with Leighton on our first try. Our good friend Matt [Friendships pt. 2] likes to joke that Igor has -supersperm- as a result of Chernobyl. <- Which, may be in poor taste given that Chernobyl is considered the worst nuclear disaster in history… buuuut is it not {also} possible he may be right? ::joking;kindof:: Having Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome [06. HS/Diagnosis], I was at risk for a variety of complications, from not being able to maintain pregnancy or delivering prematurely, to hemorrhaging, especially due to my platelet disorder: Delta Granule Storage Pool Deficiency. According to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, DGSPD “is caused by a lack of dense granules and the chemicals normally stored inside them. Without these chemicals, platelets are not activated properly and the injured blood vessel does not constrict to help stop bleeding.” <- basically meaning, I’m a bleeder. I have to be honest and admit that while I knew about EDS {shout out to May being EDS awareness month!}, I didn’t truly understand it when it came to pregnancy, at the time I was pregnant with Leighton. We were concerned about premature labor but my obgyn was much more concerned about my bleeding and the potential need for a hysterectomy due to said bleeding.

As I mentioned in [Twice Exceptional], I had Leighton at 35 weeks+5 days. At 33w3d I was sent for a stress test and discovered I was in preterm labor. I guess I’m so used to pain that I didn’t even realize these were [decent] contractions and not just Braxton Hicks. After a few hours they decided to send me home but to keep an eye on my blood pressure and if contractions started up again to go back. In less than 24 hours I was back in and admitted for the night. We already knew that I was going to be having a c-section under general anesthesia because of my doctors’ fears over bleeding. They didn’t want to give me a spinal and cause more harm, only to have to put me under should there be an issue. The morning of the day he was born, my obgyn was concerned that I was going to end up in an emergency situation. She didn’t want to send me home only for me to come back to a busy ward without platelets on hand. She believed based on how I was progressing that I wouldn’t make it a week, and felt it was the safest, smartest option to deliver him that day, while there were two doctors to oversee it, she would be there (as it was her hospital day), and being morning they had fresh platelets on hand and could reserve them for me. That quickly became the scariest day of my life, up to that point! Like I said, we didn’t know enough back then but you better believe I did my research the second time around, because having a child under general anesthesia, not knowing if I was going to wake up with or without a uterus – or at all, miss the first cry, my husband not being allowed in the room, and so forth, >definitely< lead to birth trauma!! I felt so disconnected from Leighton, and honestly I still do. I don’t know if it’s from the trauma or his neurodivergence. I just know that I love him fiercely, but our bond is nothing like that of which Kellan and I have. Over the years there have been times it felt fake and forced and it breaks my heart to even admit it, but here I am… Telling my truth. The next miracle: being born at 35+5, at 6lbs 11oz – baby boy [never] spent -any- time in the NICU (which is good because he would have been transferred downtown to Detroit Children’s Hospital) and went home with me when I was released!!

Having a 2E child is challenging beyond words! With everything that we went through those first 3 years, we honestly didn’t know if we’d have a second child. We had always talked about having 2 and if they were both boys, we’d adopt a girl. Only in a “perfect” world, right? I shake my head at our naive young selves. It took until hearing the words, “you’re not ovulating” and “you may not be able to get pregnant again”, to realize how badly we actually wanted a second. Knowing that choice was essentially [possibly] taken from me, cut me. Deep.

Huh, just right now I realized, I think that I need to backtrack on my comment about not needing fertility treatment. My [naive] understanding of treatments was always so much more in-depth than just taking medication for ovulation induction (OI). After thinking about the fact that I >did< use oral medication to try and “re-boot” things, I decided to see what actually was considered ‘fertility treatment’. Lo and behold, OI is infact one of the first methods! Wow. You learn something new every day, and I’ll [never] stop learning anything I can. Knowledge is power, my friends! <- Which is why my 9 year old son knows about what is going on with the Supreme Court, at this moment in time. When he found out, his first reaction was to ask, “but what about if the mother’s life is in danger?” Oh my heart, sweet boy. I’m not going to go on a pro-whatever- tangent, I just think it’s incredible while also very sad, that this {child} understands it’s >not< a black and white situation – and he is very much a black and white type of person!

I did two “cycles” and viola, I started ovulating again. Seven months later, I was never happier to see two pink lines! From about 6-8 weeks I had to have regular blood work due to what is medically coded as a “threatened abortion.” <- Because that’s always fun to see on paper when you desperately want that child. And just so we’re clear and there is no misunderstanding, a threatened abortion means :possible miscarriage:. Also during those weeks, I had to use vaginal suppositories daily. I share this because 1) this is my truth and 2) [awareness] as I had -never- heard of anything like it before. I had to get them from a special compound pharmacy, as well. The whole point of my blog is to help others, right? There should be no shame in discussing women’s reproductive health; so ::sorrynotsorry:: if you found that uncomfortable.

It was very evident from the start that I needed to see a [high-risk] ob/gyn, again, only this time my doctor recommended that I head to UofM, completely out of her “network”. Hell I wasn’t going to argue, you want the best of the best, right? Man am I grateful I did!! See, it was at UofM where I discovered that even with my bleeding disorder, hematology cleared me for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), shall my other doctors agree! Missing Leighton’s birth caused a lot of trauma and I wanted more than anything to have a natural birth! More. Than. Anything! Having an epidural was more of a risk to me due to bleeding, plus it puts you at greater risk for needing an emergency c-section, which would again result in me likely being put under. Nope! I didn’t want to risk any of it so I started practicing hypnobirthing. I had my essential oils picked out, I had my music prepared and had been going through all the prompts with my mother as she was going to be my coach though it. She is my calm, which, duh? Of course she is, she’s my mom!

My team of high-risk OB’s couldn’t give me a definitive answer of course, but they knew it’s what I wanted and it was listed as my birth plan from day one! At 21 weeks I started progesterone shots to help prevent preterm labor, but had to stop after 2 weeks. At this point I hadn’t been diagnosed with PMDD, so I didn’t know that those added doses of progesterone would cause me to spiral downward, fast! That was the first time (that I knew of for certain) where hormonal depression kicked my ass! I mean, I figured I was a mess when taking the pills for OI because it was meant to shake things up, I just didn’t realize they were a contributing factor. Nor did I realize that what I was feeling with the suppositories wasn’t just [normal] “pregnancy hormones” with the added stress of a -possible- miscarriage. Nope, as it turns out, my body doesn’t handle progesterone well. I didn’t discover until after I was diagnosed with PMDD, that natural progesterone levels are at their highest right after ovulation, which is exactly when I start struggling; <- explains a whole lot as to why any time I was on birth control, I also ended up on anti-depressants! So, not being able to take the shots meant more visits and added ultrasounds as once again, I was at a higher risk of losing the pregnancy, not just going into preterm labor. Yay me…

Around 28 weeks baby boy was thriving! He was in the 67th percentile, so it was really up in the air as to if I’d be able to have a VBAC. If he continued to stay far ahead the closer to term that I got, my chances for the natural delivery that I wanted would drop lower and lower. By 34 weeks he had dropped to the 29th percentile, which, in retrospect should have been questioned more, but they viewed him as healthy and my chances looked bright. I only knew he dropped as I started going into preterm labor and had 2 ultrasounds that week alone to monitor him. At 36 weeks with a 5+ hour trip to labor and delivery, they were convinced he was coming that night. After walking the hospital for 2 hours, things weren’t progressing enough so they sent me home, even though my contractions had been consistent for 2 weeks and powerful enough to be considered ‘active labor’ that night… until they stopped. All of a sudden, out of nowhere. <- again, in retrospect one would think there’d be a little more concern but my fluids were intact and all seemed [fine]. Cool? As I mentioned in [15. Twenty-Two] Kellan was almost born on his father -and- my father’s birthday. He was also close to being born on my mother-in-law’s. <- Thankfully he wasn’t, no offense, but if he’s not sharing the day with my husband and my father, Kb deserves his own day just for him! Which he got, when my water broke the very next morning.

When we first got to the hospital everything was progressing as it should. I got hooked up to monitors and was super stoked that the outcome of having a VBAC looked promising! Then… literally out of nowhere like the flip of a switch, nurses came barreling in. I was flipped onto all fours, given oxygen, and my doctor did a quick exam (I think?) as they were wheeling me to the operating room, before Igor or myself could even ask what was happening. Within a matter of seconds I was on the OR table and hooked up to monitors again. I just remember not getting to kiss Igor goodbye as we both had tears in our eyes, without a clue as to why the situation was so emergent. During transport my doctor mentioned that they had [-lost-] fetal heart tones for the last 10 minutes!! <- Are you fucking kidding me?! TEN MINUTES?! Isn’t the >whole< point of being hooked up to monitors in the first place, to assure things like that doesn’t happen? Who the hell wasn’t doing their job monitoring me from the nurses’ stand? 10 minutes? GTFO!

Once lying flat on the OR table and hooked up again, they allowed Igor to enter the room. Adam, one of the senior residents (I don’t know what his official year/title was at the time) sat with me and finally explained what was going on. They didn’t know for sure what happened, but at that time I was stable and baby boy was stable. They weren’t sure if he had moved and went into distress or if I unknowingly moved the monitor not realizing. Whatever the case, it shouldn’t have taken 10 minutes to notice!!! Arg. Anyway, after about 45 minutes of monitoring us he felt comfortable enough to let -me- make the decision on whether or not I wanted to have an elective c-section or return to my room and continue with my original birth plan.

See, what makes or breaks a good doctor is truly their bedside manor. You can be brilliant but if you’re a jerk, your ego will get in the way eventually and it wouldn’t be surprising if you face a lawsuit or two+. Adam listened to me. I explained my previous birth trauma and how important certain things were to me. Like delayed cord cutting, Igor actually being able to cut the cord, skin to skin immediately after birth and most importantly – to be awake and hear his first cry!! He knew how badly I wanted to try laboring naturally and allowed me the [choice] without any pressure (How it should be!). He asked if I wanted to speak with an anesthesiologist first to hear my options shall the need for an emergency cesarean arise. He stood next to me holding my hand while I cried unsure of what to do. Ultimately being awake was [the] most -important- thing so we all agreed that while I wasn’t getting an epidural, pre-placing a catheter in the event I needed to be rushed down again, would give me the best odds at not being put under, as they could pump what was needed during transport. 

They had Igor step out as they placed and tested the catheter for proper placement. They told him it would only be a few minutes so he could go back to my room and wait for me to come back. Only… things didn’t go as planned… AT ALL! Again, within a matter of seconds I was back on my back as they prepared to get Kb out of me as quickly as possible. When they tested the placement his heart rate went from 187 to 58 almost instantly. Adam had previously addressed how important it was for me to be awake with all of those involved, so the nurse anesthetist told me that they’re doing everything they can, but to understand that in order to stay awake they needed to overdose me to work as quickly as possible. Pretty sure all I did was blink and I went from having fluid dripping into my spine to, “Jena can you feel that?” “Prepare for the baby to be out in 90 seconds.” I remember yelling, “Wait, what?! Where’s my husband? My husband has to be here; he can’t miss this! Where is my husband?” as tears streamed down my face. Everything happened so fast that Igor entered the operating room {JUST} as they were pulling Kellan out of me. Igor thought fast on his feet and grabbed his camera when whoever went to get him and started taking pictures as the OR doors opened. The first thing he saw was baby boy literally halfway out of me! ::phew:: He just kept snapping, I don’t even know if he was looking through the viewfinder or just holding it while he pressed the button but he at least got to see it… kind of.

Unfortunately delayed cord cutting wasn’t an option, however Adam made sure to leave it long enough to get [some] benefit as well as allowing Igor to “cut the cord”. My sweet baby came out blue; I of course didn’t know this at the time but it sure seemed like it took forever to hear his first little high pitched cry! He was whisked away to be checked over and then brought over to me and placed on my chest right there in the OR for immediate skin to skin! I am not sure how normal that is, as I’ve only ever seen photos of proud dads holding a wrapped baby next to Mama’s head. The problem is, I was legitimately numb to my neck and he kept rooting upwards towards my shoulders. They weren’t kidding when they said they needed to overdose me. The nurse had to keep adjusting him until he finally found what he wanted and started nursing.::awwmybebe:: And nursing did he ever! Pretty sure I made cream as he was already above birth weight at his first doctor’s appointment. They typically say by 2 weeks babies should have reached their birth weight as they lose weight while in the hospital. He weighed 5lbs 15oz at birth, left the hospital at 5lbs 7oz and was 6lbs 2oz by 5 days old!! ::whaaat?!::

Remember when I said he had dropped from the 67th percentile at 28 weeks to the 29th at 34 weeks? At 38w5d he was born barely making the 2nd percentile. Later that night after walking the halls, I returned to my room to find the MFM attending doctor waiting for me. He explained that had I attempted natural laboring, both myself and Kellan may not have made it. If you recall in [06. HS/Diagnosis] I explained how EDS affects the organs, as it’s a connective tissue defect. As it turns out, all of the complications and near miscarriages were a result of a faulty placenta. I was never actually told what exactly was faulty about it but that he was malnourished towards the end of my pregnancy. He was healthy, but it makes sense why he ate around the clock for a while. My uterus was so thin along my previous cesarean scar that it basically ruptured on its own as surgery was being performed. <- Whoa! That explains why the OR looked like a crime scene in the pictures… ::ShiftsEyesSidetoSide:: I was in a controlled environment and they were prepared, whereas if I tried laboring, there is no question that I would have hemorrhaged and it would have been that much more serious. Obviously doctors cannot [tell] you what you can and cannot do, but he made it -very- clear that getting pregnant again would put my life even more at risk. He told me that if I was his daughter he’d tell me, “it’s not worth it and to not get pregnant again!” Roger that!

Adam, or rather now, Dr. Baruch, clinical assistant professor, will >always< hold a special place in my heart!! I know I didn’t go into detail over just how much he was there for me but I will never forget him! He even came to check on me after his shift had ended and he heard what the attending had to say. I am not the person to walk up to someone off the street and say something, however, about 18 months later I apparently became that person. Ha. Igor and I were in downtown Ann Arbor and saw Adam in a store. I was so SO nervous and hesitant but I -knew- that I [had] to say something; I not only literally survived because of him, but I also survived a very traumatic experience without the mental trauma effects. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about his sincerity and how lucky future mamas will be, to be under his care! Also, you know you’re getting older when the doctor who performs surgery is younger than you. Oy.

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18. This Ain’t a Fairytale

“I’m a hopeless romantic and I believe that you can find love in many different places and be very conflicted. I’ve discovered as I’ve grown up that life is far more complicated than you think it is when you’re a kid. It isn’t just a straightforward fairytale.”
– Rachel McAdams

I left off with Igor and I, having the most amazing NYE entering into 2009. <3 [16. Year One] The next morning? Let’s just say… there were earthshattering bombs upon my heart, when revelations came to light. Remember when I had said that we had both been keeping some things to ourselves? Yeah, mine had come out earlier but Igor probably would have kept his to himself even longer, had he not [slipped] and said something that led to more questions and prying of answers. You know when you catch someone guilty of something and they don’t know how to respond because they don’t want to lie but also don’t want to talk about it? We entered into that exact type of situation.

Turns out, “Mr. I’m Not Looking To Date” had actually been on a [few] dates just within the 2-3 months prior. ::boom;heartbreak:: all the while I believed we were getting closer, especially after seeing Wicked. Talk about having your cake and eating it, too (at the expense of your “best friend”)! I walked away from him and locked myself in the bathroom and just bawled my eyes out. I have no idea how long I was actually in there but, homeboy stayed in my room the entire time. When I was composed enough and able to, I kicked him out. I told him that I was so thrown, shocked, not to mention the feelings of betrayal. It was too much! I expressed that, at that point in time, I didn’t know if we could even be friends. I needed him to go and leave me alone. To give me a few weeks and maybe then I’d be able to talk. At least I wasn’t the only one in tears as he walked out the door. I’m glad he felt bad because I didn’t deserve being treated like that!!

So what was I keeping to myself? The fact that Kevin [09. First Love] started texting me again while I was in Seattle. Him and that girl who came between us were ‘broken up’ and it felt nice having the distraction for the both of us. However, by mid-late November I came forward with the truth when I -thought- Igor and I were legitimately becoming something more serious again. Kevin had kissed me and it left me in a total mind fk. In fact, my [Dear Cuz] post – she is who I called right after I got home because I was in total shock. And confused. Oh, so, so confused! Like, I was madly in love with Igor but this was Kevin. It had -always- been Kevin… >prior< to meeting Igor that is. So, that’s when I came forward and told him. I felt it was only fair that he knew the truth because we were technically still “broken up” but our relationship was so much more. However, I needed to know if it was finally time to let him go and allow myself to continue talking to someone I had over 12 years of history with!

Wouldn’t you think that would have been the perfect time to confess about his talking to other women and actually going on a few different dates? I mean, you’d think so, right? No, but you see, it was shortly after my honesty of Kevin kissing me that the Wicked tickets were presented to me. This time, it seemed as though my ‘doing the right thing’ by telling the truth of kissing another guy was in my favor. I stopped communicating with Kevin the way we had been and put the friendship boundary back up. Joke was on me though, apparently Kev and his girlfriend had been fighting but never actually broke up. From Aug. – Nov. I was being played by 2 different guys I had loved so deeply. By the time I had found out about Kev, Igor and I were actually back together and I honestly didn’t care. It was a nice distraction and familiar comfort. Although, I -did- end up {caring} but not for the reasons you would think… In fact, you’ll likely be shocked when I finally explain why that is, I know most of my friends and family were! Ha.

Okay, back to my Isgees. Not talking to him that second day destroyed me. How could just 2 nights ago have been one of the best nights we’d ever had? Laughing until our bellies hurt from playing the game Mad Gab. Such unspoken love (hell, even verbally expressed love) and connection from just a simple touch or eye contact. I had been through some shit [13. Survivor], but this one hurt more than anything else. By day three I couldn’t take it and sent him a text. Just 2 simple words as a reminder of the fun we had NYE: “mash ews”. He replied with a smiley face and “good imes”. <-not a typo, ‘imes’ is correct. That was that. I think we spoke once on the phone around day 5 or 6 for just a few minutes but that was the last time we spoke until day 10. To go from talking multiple times a day, every day, to once in almost 2 weeks. Yeah, it sucked!! 

January 10th, 2009 – Michigan decided to have a sweet ice storm unexpectedly. While it snowed, a lot, nothing really accumulated, just made for terrrrrible driving conditions. I mention this because I recieved what seemed to be an [urgent] phone call from Igor, wondering if I had anything going on that day, seeing if he could come over. That he -had- to talk to me!! He lived in White Lake at the time, which is a sold 30-40 minutes on a good day, depending on time of day. I obviously asked him if he was crazy because there was >no way< I would want him driving in those conditions, especially given the distance!! I told him I appreciated it but that we’d talk another day.

But see, the thing about Mom’s house was that the door was always open for those to come in. Rarely did someone knock on the door and wait to be let in, once they’ve been given the permission of just coming and going. Seeing as how often Igor had been staying over, that same “rule” had always applied to him.  A little over an hour after hanging up with him, Mom and I had one heck of a scare when Tanner (my dear beloved pup [rip]) barked and quickly ran to the door. Low and behold: Igor P. (<- Soo quick funny story; P. is not even his initial. Mom had come across this website that listed likely known family members and we were just putzing around one evening. In looking up Igor, everything associated with his family,  his correct age, old addresses – everything was listed as Igor P. It quickly became a joke/nickname for years to come. BUT!! The best part? We have actually gotten mail for “Igor P.” and I about die laughing every time! Haha.)

I was shocked! Excited but also… mad. I had so many feelings but ultimately I was happy to see him; I really did miss him. So whyy did he find it absolutely necessary to head over during an ice storm? What was SO urgent that he couldn’t wait? He made plans for us to go ice skating. He had even planned on stopping to get flowers but the roads were worse than he thought and decided not to take that extra time/risk. Huh? I had been talking about wanting to go ice skating for a while at that point and he had never been. I myself had only been once years prior with an old friend. I loved it and always wanted to go again. He found a place that had open skate not too far from Mom’s house and wanted to take me. I repeat, huh?! I was so confused, you could tell he was nervous, I didn’t really know what to think at that point. I asked him why and didn’t he initially want to talk? Like, I just told you less than 2 weeks ago I didn’t even know if I could be your friend, to give me time and yet here you are with this grand gesture? WTF is going on?!!

We sat down in the livingroom where he proceeded to tell me that the past 10 days were hell for him. The thought of me not being a part of his life was not a feeling he ever wanted to face again. During the days of not talking he had a lot of time to reflect on the past 10 months and realized that he had -never- been happier in his life. That I have brought out the best in him, saw him for who he really was, respected him, opened his eyes to a world he never imagined with feelings he never knew were possible. When he pictured his future – all of the good, the bad, the adventures, the day to day of daily life, [ I ] was who he saw beside him. I was the person he knew >without a shadow of doubt<, the person meant to be in his life, {for good}!! He was very naive and inexperienced at first and it took him time to see that. This was the first real big decision he made for [himself] that he no longer allowed his parents’ thoughts/feelings to have any influence over. It was -me- he loved. It was -me- he wanted. It was -me- that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. So, if I could find it in my heart to forgive him, he wanted to right his wrongs and officially be together again. ::CueTearsJustThinkingAboutIt:: I accepted his apology and we had an incredible time ice skating.

Now I can say: “from that day forward they lived happily ever after. <3”

Well, in terms of being together at least. Life’s a rollercoaster and happiness isn’t [always] the feeling of the moment, but together we’ll ride the ride until the end, hand in hand.

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16. Year One

“The eyes of love have 20/20 vision when focused on another, and become entirely blind when focused on ourselves.”
– Author: Craig D. Lounsbrough

“And from that day on, they lived happily ever after. <3
– The end.” [14. Forever & Always] Taylor Swift wasn’t wrong when she sang, “this ain’t a fairytale” because life simply isn’t as easy as that!

Coming from the Jewish-Russian background there is some truth behind the stereotype of a “Jewish mother’s guilt.” And does Igor know it all too well. Thankfully mine isn’t too bad but there were definitely times that she laid the guilt down heavily. I try my best not to make my kids feel that way because they are their own people, I respect their boundaries as human beings and do not believe in dictatorship. Now, that doesn’t mean I am a “free range” parent because I definitely am not, there are rules to be followed, but I respect my children’s feelings and honor their autonomy for who they are. Here’s a quick example: my children are both biologically male and identify as so. My oldest decided when he was 5 that he wanted to grow his hair out, but felt pressured by society to cut it as “boy’s don’t have long hair” according to my in-laws [especially..] So he cut it, and instantly regretted it because he no longer felt like himself. After a few more hair cuts he realized that he didn’t care what people thought, he wanted his hair long (at first it was because Mom had long hair- you know that whole “young-child Freudian theory”, but as it grew he felt more and more himself.) He was and still is often referred to as a girl by strangers because he really is pretty and his long hair is gorgeous! At first it really bothered him, he didn’t understand why others just -assumed- he was a girl; it became the perfect time to open discussions about gender, society, and “old world” thinking. How some people won’t understand, respect or agree with his decision and he may get made fun of for it.  After a while, he just stopped caring! We have always tried to instill that in life, you need to do what makes >you< happy, even though others may not agree or like it. It’s NOT easy to do, especially when people you care about don’t agree, and that kids at school (& people in general) can be mean. If you make a decision that causes you to stand out, you need to accept there may be backlash and that you need to be strong enough to not let it change who you are. If it makes you uncomfortable we’ll work through it and come up with a solution, but that being who you are is important, is validated, is okay! As long as you are happy and not causing any harm – {nothing} could or would ever make us feel differently towards him!!!

This whole situation has made him so strong in not caring that he stands out. At school he is one of the only ones in his class still wearing a mask and using a plastic divider at his desk. His response to being different? “I’m the boy with long hair, I’m used to being the only one that is different.” <- Oh my heart sweet child! I could not have been more proud in that moment as a mother! See, the thing is, he has always been different and stood out because of his giftedness, and the fact he -knew- his brain worked differently broke my heart because he saw it as a flaw. Thankfully now he embraces it and isn’t afraid to humbly-brag. Oxymoron? Eh, whatevs. He is who he is and while it isn’t easy at times, I couldn’t be prouder for who he is becoming!

Before I came into Igor’s life he didn’t know how to stand up for himself against his parents. He never wanted to disrespect them, but he realized that being able to voice your own feelings and opinions, especially as an adult, is not only okay, it’s crucial to your own life’s happiness! His family doesn’t see it that way. He is their child so he should do as they say. Much like how they feel we are Leighton’s parents so we are the ones who decide how his hair will be. He is young and shouldn’t be able to make choices like that for himself… F THAT! I would -never- expect Igor to disrespect his parents, but simply speaking up to them, against what they say, even when done nicely, is disrespect in their eyes. I mean, they moved to America to give their children a better life, it shouldn’t be a surprise when they grow up “American” with American Xennial views. Oh man, I have so much to say but I’ll leave that for another post(s)… or try to at least, haha.

As I said in [14. Forever & Always] I was honest about my health from day one, even though he may not have understood the extent of it. I do not have Fibromyalgia, but it is a term he was kind of familiar with so I used it as a way of explaining my pain from EDS [06. HS/Diagnosis]. His older brother (and roommate at the time) overheard and went straight to his parents. He may have been older but maturity wasn’t there yet; he still told his parents everything. Looks as though Igor wasn’t the only one to feel he wasn’t allowed to have his own life. It actually took until meeting his own wife to also grow a “backbone”, per say. That led to a shitstorm thrown into Igor’s lap about how I was basically “defective”. That he shouldn’t want to be with someone [sick] because it’ll ruin his whole life, who knew what would be passed down to >his< children, etc. To them it’s all about how {they’re} perceived by -others-! My mom made a comment once about how if we wanted a third child we could always adopt; I wish I had my MIL’s reaction on film – you’d have thought my mother spoke of witchcraft back in the 1690s. The disgust, the horror, the shame, the shock. The spoken, “Oh, no. No, no, no.” as if just saying the word “adoption” was taboo enough. ::rollseyes::

Anyway, with Igor having never been in a real relationship prior me, everything his parents said got to him. He was confused and wondered, what if they were right? He didn’t know any better because again, at this point in time he was still very much under their thumb. Which – led to us breaking up… after 2 months of being together 2-3x a week and talking daily for 3 months. I was so thrown off I didn’t even know what to think. It literally came out of nowhere!

But as time went on I realized it was more like when Kev and I used to “break up” [09. First Love]. We still hung out fairly regularly and talked daily. We were each other’s “besties” and neither of us were pursuing anyone else. Annnnd ultimately still hooking up (though not at first). I think the second time we hung out post “break up”, we had gone to the zoo (the first being like a half hour visit because I needed to get him his 25th birthday present I had already bought). The zoo was part of his Jdate profile questionnaire [14. Forever & Always] regarding an ideal first date, a date that never happened while we were [together.] This was probably 3 weeks after the “break up” and it was genuinely a great day! At the end of the evening, my heart burst with jOy when Igor –asked– if he could >:kiss:< me! How stinkin’ adorable is that? I mean 10/10 in terms of respect but also, awe!!<3 I wanted nothing to do with this break up and he knew where I stood. So, in my heart, I felt that maybe this was him reconsidering his choice… but no. He just missed me and was even more confused than ever because, how could something that’s not [supposed] to be, feel so {wrong} not being so? He had never been happier in life before I came into the picture; I was the first person to open his eyes to a whole different world and the thought of me not being a part of his life just didn’t make sense!

However, towards the end of summer I noticed some new female friends commenting on his Myspace that were questionable for someone claiming they weren’t [looking to date anyone]. I sort of felt defeated, not going to lie. I [knew] we weren’t together but it was -just- like it was when Kevin and I were “off” but {not off}. Was I destined to a life of on-again/off-again relationships? Was I subconsciously allowing myself to be used (per say) thinking it was keeping them close? Why did I keep putting myself in these situations?!? Oh yea ..>< Love ><.. Only, it was different with Igor! If you were to ask me who I loved more, it would honestly be a complicated answer. My love for the both of them was/is so different that they’re simply not comparable!! With Kev it was the butterflies, childhood memories, teenage hormones and the {“firsts”}, but with Igor it was as if my whole being felt such a deep rooted connection, a calmness and -completion-. My heart and soul just felt complete with him near.

At the end of August I headed out to Seattle for nearly 2 weeks to see my long lost bestie, Tiffany. [11. Childhood Friendships+] I fell \ IN LOVE / with the city and truly considered moving there! A fresh start. I purposefully made it a point to talk to Igor as little as possible: out of sight – out of mind. Simply enjoy my time with someone I hadn’t seen in 5 years. If we talked it was because he texted me. I did send him a postcard because, well, I may have been hurting because of him but he was still my best friend and the one picking me up at the airport when I returned. However, while in Seattle someone else started texting me again and wanted to get together when I returned. I’ll give ya one guess since it’s not like my love life wasn’t already complicated enough or anything. ::faceMeetpalm:: 

After getting my bags I was met with the biggest bear hug, kiss and a gift. I guess a coworker was making candles and he asked if he could get one for me. Dang this rollercoaster of a thing called, <life> sure has its twists and turns. That candle by the way was never used and currently sits on display in our main bathroom. What can I say, I’m a simple sentimental kind of gal. And by simple there really isn’t anything simple about me in retrospect, but at the same time… yeah, yeah I am! ::shrugs::

Over the next couple months things were status quo between us, though we both were keeping some things to ourselves, which neither of us found out until a while later. I don’t remember where in the exact timeline he started, but he started playing soccer Friday evenings with a co-worker in Ann Arbor. With Ann Arbor being closer to me than him, he often just stayed the night at my place afterwards. I went to some games and his co-worker’s girlfriend just couldn’t understand why we weren’t together. Honey, same? He went on a business trip to Chicago and when he returned he came right to my house with yet another gift. Huh, if you’ve read my [Husband Appreciation] post you’d know he’s not a gift giver, and yet, now I’ve received 2 in maybe 2 months? This is what we call -deception- my friends. Haha. Joking, kind of. But really, I find humor in this now reliving it because that wasn’t the last gift I’d receive while still “broken up” – in fact there were 2 more in December alone! ::HandsToCheeksShockedFace::

I come from a very musical family and love musicals. My grandfather used to take me up to Stratford, Canada to see them growing up. Stratford is known for their Festival of modern and Shakespearean plays in multiple theaters. It was also tradition that he sang, “Sunrise, Sunset” from Fiddler on the Roof at family weddings; I am so, SO grateful that he was able to at mine!! What an honor to bear witness, what became his last [true] performance! All of that said, one of my favorite live shows is }Wicked{ and I had seen it once before. Mom had gotten me tickets for graduation; so Jessie and I went since it was Jessie who introduced me to Wicked to begin with. [11. Childhood Friendships+] Wicked was coming to town and Igor got us tickets! What?! He even made plans with his best friend to get tickets for him and his girlfriend, too. It was the first time I had met either of them. Yup, 9 months and I hadn’t even met his best friend. Also, not awkward at all to have his girlfriend, whom Igor had only met briefly once before because the relationship was still new, pick me up so I could wait with her until the guys came after work. Nope, not awkward at all… <- Honestly? I don’t know how I did it! But she was so friendly and outgoing, she talked as if we’d been friends forever. That’s just the kind of person she is, though, we really did end up becoming friends and they even ended up getting married one month before Igor and I.

For those who are unfamiliar with the show, one of the most popular (punny because there is a song Popular) known songs is, >For Good<. If you haven’t heard it you must, here; you’re welcome! Here are just a few of the lyrics but the main point of the song:
“Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better
And because I knew you
Because I knew you
I have been changed
For good”

So good, right? I get chills just thinking of Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth singing it! With Marion being my [10. Twin Flame] this song always resonated with the two of us, still does. I think of both her and Igor anytime I hear it, must be because they’re my two counterparts! Anyway, during the show, during that song, Igor grabbed my hand, held it tightly and tried his best not to let the tears in his eyes fall down his cheeks. I was unaware at the time, but apparently he bought a necklace from the souvenir stand, and said necklace was given to me for Christmas! There went my heart flip-flopping again! Guys… see what I mean when I jokingly call his actions deception? Like, how does one NOT take that as a good sign?!?! We spent New Years together and it was honestly one of the best evenings together since the “break up” that it/I legitimately felt like we were getting back together… [officially].

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15. Twenty-two

“Synchronicity is an ever present reality for those who have eyes to see.”
-Carl Jung

For those unfamiliar with numerology, the number 2 is associated with destiny, partnership and harmony. Therefore, the number 22 corresponds to great compatibility and thus, a forever kind of love and deep soul connection. Our first date was the 22nd of March, 2008 and the day we got engaged was the 22nd of August, 2009. The engagement happened just after midnight, he couldn’t wait any longer, so while he didn’t [plan] for it to be the 22nd – you know what I’m about to say… you betcha, more synchronicity! Oh, and let’s not forget that 22 has been my lucky/favorite number my entire life.

I kind of get chills writing this because yesterday I was doing a deep dive into Human Design and Gene Keys. (Actually I started down the rabbit hole for Human Design two weeks ago and my brain may have broke.) “The Human Design Theory is a logical system that brings together principles of The I Ching, astrology, Kabbalah, Hindu-Brahmin chakra system, and quantum physics. Your Human Design Chart, also called a BodyGraph, is calculated using your birth date, time, and place, to reveal your genetic design.” “The idea of the Gene Keys is that they’re numbered human qualities that get modified based on frequency, or your energetic vibration. There’s a “Shadow” that’s expressed at a lower frequency, while the same quality is expressed as a “Gift” at a higher frequency.” These are also believed to be implanted at birth and are calculated with some of the same principles for human design.

Raise your hand if all of the above just went wayyyy over your head; because at first – same! Like I said, I think I broke my brain. I’m still recovering and haven’t even touched the surface so [don’t!!] feel inadequate for not understanding. I only had to share the above to get to my {next} point. The reason why I got chills is because yesterday was the first time I looked into Gene Keys, had my mapping done and what not, and discovered that my main Gene Key out of 64, is >- 22 -<

– – G-U-Y-S – – – Commmmmme ooooonn!!! Like, I don’t even know what to say after that, about any of it. Except that right after learning that, Kb told me that his lucky number for the day, according to his cheese stick wrapper, was 22…

Synchronicity strikes again! Igor is more of a coincidence man, he doesn’t believe everything happens for a reason. He doesn’t >feel< that, [deep within your soul, every fiber of your being, emotional, spiritual sensation] when you just -know- there’s more to it. You may have heard of the term, “godwink” – that could be and often is used in place of synchronicity for those who believe in a divine intervention, especially when following a prayer.

The next two things I’m going to share could be viewed differently. Some may say that it’s a psychological phenomenon – almost Freudian, as though it’s because of one that draws me to the other. OR it could be viewed as a sign, another synchronicity. While I do understand why someone may think it’s a psychological or even physiological response, I do not!! For starters, I had already fallen before I knew one of these two things… That thing being: Igor wore the same cologne that my father wore when I was a kid. ::scrunchesface:: There was no way I would have known that before we met. Heck, I didn’t even know it until my mom asked Igor what he was wearing when they met for the first time. Which happened to be our second date, he picked me up at the house and brought my mom chocolate!! Um, keeper or kissass? Both? Normally you’d expect the one going on the date to be the one receiving something, however, Igor viewed it as going to my mother’s for the first time so he wasn’t going to go empty handed. SOo, keeper, definitely keeper!

Number 2) My dad and Igor share the same birthday: 5/24. Igor was almost born on his mother’s birthday: 5/26 and our youngest was almost born on his grandmother’s, Papa’s AND father’s: 5/27. Kb being our miracle baby that was definitely not planned! Here’s the thing about May 24th, though. Not only is it my father’s birthday, my husband’s birthday, it was ALSO Brian’s [02. Dad] mother’s birthday. My husband. My father. My father’s husband’s mother. ::chillsright?:: Someone could argue that I was [looking] for “signs”, but let’s be real, you cannot force how you feel about someone! You can lie to yourself and truly believe your feelings, but you cannot control that soul pulling connection. Next argument would be [lust] due to said, “looking for signs”. Lust? Lust is just sexual infatuation, something being demi I do not personally understand. Thank you, next!

Did I really just quote an Ariana Grande song? Possibly. Have I ever actually heard the song? Nope! If it came out after I’ve been a mother, isn’t T.Swift and is not the Wiggles, chances are I’ve never actually heard the song let alone the artist’s name. What can I say, I’m officially >old< and no matter how many times I swore I’d be a “cool” mom… reality sets in, and she’s a bitch. Speaking of getting older, you get forgetful. Yeah, I know you know what I’m talking about! I don’t typically forget much, which is great being that I’m blogging about my life/story/truth, but I do tend to forget if I’ve already shared something. My apologies now if I ever come off as redundant. That said, I swore I’ve already written about something but I just asked Igor and he says that I haven’t, so I’m going with that. Although, his memory may be one of the worst of anyone I know so Idk if I should, but I am. Ha.

If Igor was wrong, you can ignore this next part or take it as a refresh as to why I once again, don’t believe things just -happen- by chance. Anyone who knew me back when Taylor Swift first released music, knows how much I adore and love everything about her. Some hate her music because it’s just her “telling stories”, but uh, isn’t all country music? So she writes about failed relationships – don’t most artists write about what they know? She’s been writing since she was a child, just because she released some old music from diaries past, doesn’t mean she deserves all the hate! Not only that, her song writing skills go beyond what she releases for herself. She’s probably helped write some songs that you’d never realize were her words behind the voice who’s singing them! So [haters, hatin’] back off already! Anyway, with the tangent of my love for T.S. over, let’s talk some more about 22. What song did she release that has kind of become a “cult phenomenon” marking a new milestone birthday? Oh, that’s right – {“22”} – <3

I have been fortunate enough to see Taylor live, twice (some would say that’s nothing but let’s remember those who’d give everything just to see her once, from the nosebleed sections! I am fortunate and I admit that!) Following my car accident [12. Life Detour] and all of the uncertainties I faced, my phenomenal fiance (at the time) bought me tickets for my birthday to see her live for the first time, as an incentive to help me get {though it all} with something to look forward to!! Being that we had no idea about my walking status at the time of purchase, he made sure we were in a handicap location. That location brought me one of the best days of my life! You see, by being in that handicapped location, it led me to -meeting- AND -hugging- (multiple times) my celebrity heroine!! I was in such shock that I just cried and told her how much this meant to me and how much I loved her. Hearing Taylor Swift say, “thank you, and I love you” while giving me a bear hug, might just top every moment, ever. Bahaha. ::JokingNotJoking::

Those tickets – were purchased for my 22nd birthday…

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14. Forever & Always

“Everything I need is right here by my side; I’m only up when you’re not down, don’t wanna fly if you’re still on the ground-  it’s like, no matter what I do… I’m only me when I’m with you!”
– Taylor Swift

I don’t believe in coincidence. I know that not everyone will agree with me, especially Igor, [ ironically? ] but I believe everything happens for a reason, as there are way, way too many synchronicities in my life!! Take this post for example: the perfect timing to discuss my Isgees would be right here. It also just so happens to be number -* 14 *- in the timeline. I may not have had >everything< completely written to this point, but I did have an ideal timeline since I was originally writing a book. It was actually Igor who suggested I blog instead. He believes that I have an important story to tell, but also a uniquely-different perspective in my current life, as a chronically ill wife and mother to children with their own challenges. <- Color me impressed; he’s not wrong!

So where is the synchronicity you ask? Igor and I met and started dating -* 14 *- years ago, this past week… booom, mind blowing, huh? But no seriously, what are the odds? I know I have a few mathematicians in my life but even they have to admit you get chills reading that! There’s more along the way within our story, don’t worry. For 1) or is it technically 2)? Eh, how about we just go with it and not number them because it’ll likely become too confusing for us both. (And yeesss, I know technically that “should have” had a question mark ending because of the [how about], but quite frankly it just didn’t sit right with me.) ANYWAY… given current events, wouldn’t you say that synchronicity is at play once again, given that Igor immigrated here from Ukraine? More or less that his/our story (post) just so happens to align with what’s going on currently in his hometown. Or the fact that when he moved here initially, he lived down the street and was friends with my cousins from Oak Park, 40 minutes away from where I grew up? I’m tellin’ ya – nothing happens by chance!

After my heart was shattered, my mom and her friend tried hooking me up with a waiter (who was working on his masters in mathematics, ^  ironic…). He was a newly-divorced, single father who had recently moved out of the house located right next to my elementary school, to an apartment just up the road from where I live now. His name was Gary and after one date we both didn’t see it going anywhere. Now, if you’re unaware of this, it’s not uncommon for Eastern Europeans to change their names after immigrating here. Wanna know what Igor’s parents wanted him to change his name to but he refused? If you’re thinking, “Gary” – then you’d be correct! ::facemeetpalm:: Freakin’ synchronicity, I’m telling you!!

One day I was messing around on Myspace (awe, I miss making those custom profiles! Too bad I have completely forgotten any and all coding I knew by heart. Don’t use it – you lose it, right?) and saw someone talking about a new site, My Yearbook or something like that, and out of curiosity I clicked on it to check it out. I honestly do not remember anything about the site but I think it was a failed attempt to be the next new Myspace/Facebook. There was an article on the first page of some male celebrity talking about how you don’t have to be Jewish to join *Jdate*. Jdate? WTF is that? Turns out it’s an online Jewish dating site. I had never tried, let alone considered, joining an online dating site. I was still young, but sure, why the hell not? Growing up in Canton [01. Hello] there really wasn’t any exposure to Jewish guys so I joined for shits and giggles, never expecting to seriously find someone! I am not religious [I’d consider myself spiritual, however.] nor am I fully Jewish. It’s funny, In Jewish culture if your mother is Jewish, you’re Jewish. Yet, in Catholic tradition you follow your father’s religion. It’s no wonder I’ve had trouble discovering the real me – I’ve been mixed up since day one! HA, ha.

At first I didn’t pay anything because you can have a free account, ::PausesForInappropriatStereotypicalLaugher:: but if you wanted to message and actually connect with someone, you needed a paid account. I figured I’d give it a month since you had to pay monthly. The very first day I spent like an hour, maybe 2, just browsing around reading people’s profiles when I should have been doing homework. I really didn’t want to pay, but I just kept going back to this one profile in particular. His answers to the preset questions just drew me in. I could barely even see what he looked like because his profile picture was of him crouched down by a car, at night, from a distance. Really? Seems odd for a dating profile photo but okay – it wasn’t his photo that drew me in anyway, so it didn’t matter that I couldn’t really see him. That’s when I actually discovered you had to pay because I just felt drawn to messaging him. In the meantime other people had messaged me and I chatted with a few guys but I was more fixated on waiting to see how the first guy would respond to my message.

Two days. I didn’t hear back from him for two days. Why is that? I could insert the inappropriate reasoning for my laughing earlier… buuuut let’s just say he didn’t want to pay for the account either. He sat on it because apparently he had been trying the whole >online dating thing< and it wasn’t working for him. He decided to take a break for a while. Apparently it’s not uncommon for someone to message you just saying, “hey” <- which, why? If you’re interested in getting to know someone why would you just say, “hey’? I guess that shows where you stand as far as maturity goes. He didn’t want to pay just to get a message like that, and honestly, I can’t blame him. But see, if you knew him, you’d know that he is -way- too curious of a person to just let it go. The battle between “wasting money” and his curiosity came to a halt on February 26th, 2008.

To his surprise, it wasn’t just a “hey” but a rather lengthy message responding to most of his profile questionnaire. He responded but his “signature” at the bottom of the message was so far down, like if I wouldn’t have scrolled down all the way I would have missed it. That said, sitting across from my mom I admittedly asked, “What’s I, G, O, R?” ::turnsred:: In my defense, I knew that the name Igor was spelled that way, but I was so confused as it was so far down, alone, with nothing else, that I wasn’t sure if it was some short hand/phrase I wasn’t aware of in the online dating world. Kind of like A/S/L from when chat rooms first started becoming popular. And we can’t forget that I grew up in Canton. While it may have been a very diverse area, there certainly weren’t many, if any, Russians/Ukrainians known in the mix… It was a blonde moment, okay? Geez. Also, I was blonde at the time so I can get away with the excuse! ;-p

And from that day on, they lived happily ever after. <3
– The end. 

{{Bahahah! I don’t think I could say that with a straight face even if I tried!}}

Oh man, there is so much to say in regards to us and I don’t know what to say when or where, I mean 14 years is almost half my lifetime!

After that first message exchange, we couldn’t stop talking. We spoke on AIM practically day and night – which was super productive when you have school and work to worry about. Our connection was immediate. Talking to each other from day one just felt so natural, like I was talking to a best friend. I was myself, I was up front about my health (which, he didn’t understand the complexities at the time but it didn’t prevent him from getting to know me – yet.) I looked forward to telling him about my day. I was honest from the very beginning and told him that there were other people from the site who were interested in getting to know me. He was patient and understanding. I only ended up going out on one date with one other guy from the site. But again, I  was honest and talked with Igor prior to and immediately after. He wished me luck and asked how it went. We had a legitimate friendship right off the bat! Deep down, I knew there was more to this than just a friendship or just some guy I’d date without it actually going anywhere. Due to past relationships, it was difficult to be vulnerable. I had a habit of starting to get close only to push away before I’d allow myself to really develop feelings. I remember writing this long email explaining my history with that and basically begged him not to allow me to try and push him away. I didn’t want to run, I knew there was more between us but I also knew myself; which is why I had to come right out and be honest. But you know what? That feeling of running, of pushing away before getting too close… that feeling never came!!

My birthday was almost 2 weeks after we started talking and I invited him to dinner with friends, though he declined. We hadn’t actually met in person yet so I understood, it’d be weird and uncomfortable, especially for how quiet he is. Which, I gotta be honest, I had no idea was legit because he seemed so open and entertaining with me, you’d never know he struggled with small talk! I joke that he just didn’t want to get me a birthday gift. <- & no I won’t let him deny that being any part of the decision, ha, ha. We talked for nearly a month before we had our first date. Literally day and night. Knowing now how invested he gets when he has a gaming need to be met, (Almost like an addict needing their fix only it doesn’t last. Actually now that I think about it, any time he has a new interest he’s all in, all of the time, until his itch has been scratched and he’s moved on.) I feel honored and special that he was investing so much time talking with me, while simultaneously playing W.O.W. in the evenings. I must have been the new [all in, all of the time] interest for him… he just never moved on. <3

By the time our first date came I was nervous, but also at peace. I remember sitting in the parking lot talking to my mom when I saw him pull up and park; instant butterflies. Our plan was to meet up at Fountain Walk in Novi for Cold Stone and glow golf – a cute, simple first date. We “met” for the first time, right there in the parking lot between what was once Hooters and Emagine… classy.

{{ 42*29’24.4”N and 83*29’04.1”W }} <- We have a wooden sign in our family room with the coordinates saying, “where it all began”.

I’m pretty cheesy like that. Actually, I prefer sentimental. So, I’m pretty sentimental like that!

I’m a very affectionate person. I hug everyone, snuggle next to my friends to watch a movie, etc. Being a male raised within the Russian culture, Igor was not used to affection, at all. So when I hugged him when we first met it was a little awkward. And during putt putt when I’d pass him to move out of the way, I’d lightly caress his back or arm or whatever, just needing that physical connection. I was already falling for the guy, hard, it was difficult not being closer. I mean, we had been talking day and night for nearly a month; he easily quickly became one of my best friends! He says it was “sweet” looking back but didn’t know how to react at the time. Due to history, my mother was on high alert, knew what our plans were and whatnot. Thing is, we didn’t want the date to end. We ended up going to see a movie, Vantage Point, during which time my mother felt it necessary to call me multiple times. When I wasn’t answering she called Putting Edge looking for me, imagine her embarrassment when they asked her how old I was. ::crieslaughing:: No, looking back I probably should have filled her in but at the same time, I was an adult. I understand her worry, though out of character for her; I find the whole thing hilarious. After the movie we headed over to 12 Oak’s Mall to walk and talk more. The date lasted over 5 hours!! We genuinely just enjoyed being together. When I hugged him goodbye I was too chicken shit to do so, but I wanted to give him a kiss on the cheek so bad, ha,ha! Our second date was 3 days later and our third – 4 days after that; while also continuing to talk day and night. I don’t even know what we talked about but we couldn’t get enough.

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Exhausted.

When you’re tired of, well… everything and you’re stuck in limbo, it’s really difficult staying motivated to be productive. So much planning, so many ducks needing to be lined up exactly in the perfect row, so much packing, so many unanswered questions, so many decisions needing to be made… like I don’t mind doing the above, it’s trying to care to do everything else that’s the problem.

I hate clutter, it drives me crazy, overstimulates and triggers my anxiety. I become paralyzed from being overwhelmed due to my ADHD. <- Is it still considered hyperactive as an adult when you certainly don’t have the energy to even think about being hyper? The problem is, no one else seems to be bothered by any of it. So unless I am on top of keeping everything organized and put away, it sits. Until I do it.

I’m exhausted.

I get it, my husband works all day and he shouldn’t be in charge of everything else, too. We’re supposed to be a partnership, but when I’m sick – he’s on single dad duty and I >know< how much more that adds to his plate. It’s not fair to him, I agree! And he does help out keeping on top of the dishes, garbage and our cat’s litter box on his own, but maybe picking up a dish or cup off the kitchen table when they’re not in use wouldn’t be so bad? Again, I get it, he has so much on his mind for work, bills, trying to maintain my love language’s bucket, etc. that his brain is preoccupied. I get it. I do! But is it really that hard to walk your soda can over to recycling instead of leaving it anywhere else? Or leaving their socks right where they take them off? (Ha. I know most wives feel me on this one! Husband’s too, I’m not excluding any significant others; I just tend to hear more about it from wives. ;-p) And NO, this isn’t a passive aggressive way of harping on him, these are examples of conversations previously had. It should also be noted that while we are a partnership, he is hardwired from generations of “women take care of the household and children” coming from a Russian culture. He absolutely believes it should be a partnership but I am the one home, so when I’m not sick it should be more on me. Again, I agree!!!

Though it doesn’t change the fact: I’m exhausted.

Then there’s the kids who, well anyone who’s had children or been around them for any amount of time, understands how they’re mini tornados that don’t care what they leave in their wake. Kid’s are the worst when it comes to all things clutter. I mean, my oldest has admitted he doesn’t like cleaning his room (what child does?, besides my Lori-Lou [02. & 11.]) as he too has extreme ADHD, so the overwhelming thoughts of where to begin, I understand. However, there is also legitimate truth behind his thriving in the organized chaos he creates.

Just looking into his room, I’m exhausted.

It’s been 2 years of ciaos due to the pandemic and the battles between masks and vaccines. The weather cannot make up its mind so the constant switching of barometric pressure causes any dysautonomiac [06.HS/Diagnosis] their own personal hell! It’s hard enough just to get out of bed some days. Going through hormonal changes in your thirties, more unanswered health questions for why I’ve gained 25lbs in the past year. And now Russia is initiating what could very likely result in World War 3?

I’m exhausted.

Why bother organizing and putting everything away when you are just going to be demolishing their homes, at an unanswered time? Planning a kitchen remodel/new flooring is exhausting, but I enjoy it. I’m just struggling to find the motivation to clean up the clutter when I know my house will be -organized chaos- in hopefully >fingerscrossed:knocksonwood< short order. But with the pandemic and what Russia has just done to Ukraine, all uncertainties are even higher up in the air. Looking around and seeing all the… stuff, not only overstimulates and triggers my anxiety and overwhelms me to the point of paralyzation, it exhausts me.

I. Am. Exhausted.

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12. Life Detour

“Life is a journey with almost limitless detours.”
― Ken Poirot

As you know, I got my GED. However, I just so happened to receive it before I turned 18 and before my class actually graduated, allowing me to get a head start at college. Taking the GED reminded me of every other “standardized test” I’d ever taken. I was both extremely nervous but also oddly calm. The test itself was relatively easy and I actually scored between the 90th-99th percentile in every area. I was shocked and found humor in the fact that I had struggled for so long, for… this? I guess the schools were [right] in that my IQ was “too high” and I mastered finding a way to “over compensate” for my struggles. ::hard, hard eye roll:: – {maybe even a middle finger or two…}

I started at the local community college because it was >free< via my FAFSA and Federal Student Aid eligibility. I grew up watching Matlock, Murder She Wrote and all Law & Orders with Auntie (along with many other classics) that I loved the idea of being a detective, buuuuut I could never see myself as an actual cop. I may have loved the idea but it was never actually a dream. Becoming a pediatric nurse had been my dream since I was about 12 and really started getting sick. There was this one particular nurse at my pediatrician’s office that helped make my visits less daunting. Her compassion, smile, kindness… She was everything I wanted to be for a sick child one day!

Oh, hello water works – didn’t expect to see you here!

As time went on and I got further into school, I really started wondering if I wanted to be either a surgeon or maybe even a medical examiner. There is this book series called, Stalking Jack the Ripper by Kerri Maniscalo that couldn’t be more perfect for me! It’s about this young lady, Audrey Rose Wadsworth, who is essentially a forensic scientist and medical examiner during a time it was absolutely not an acceptable job for a woman, as it’s set in the late 1880’s. The first book in the series was my lucky number 22 for that 10 book reading challenge I kicked ass at [07. Ode to my Mentors]. How appropriate that my now favorite book (series) was the last book in what I consider to be my greatest achievement to date?! Not only that, 22 actually is my favorite and lucky number making it that much more meaningful! <3 Talk about synchronicity!

I may have questioned being a surgeon or an ME but that would require a lot of work, health, dependability, stability and confidence. Things I couldn’t provide. I just didn’t have it in me to try pursuing something that may only lead to major heartbreak, again. Little did I know that life is just filled with heartbreak after heartbreak; you’d think I would have learned that by then… doh.

The wait list for nursing school was so long that I took many random electives to expand my knowledge since I loved learning. I have always been a puzzle girl so discovering forensic science quickly became a new passion and goes right along with the idea of an ME or a detective – figuring out the missing link to a puzzle. It only took one criminalistics lab class and I was hooked! I was still at the community college but got everything set up for transferring to Madonna University to major in Forensic Science and minor in Genetics. I chose Madonna because they are (or were? This was over 12 years ago so idk what’s what nowadays.) the only college in Michigan that had an actual major for Bachelor of Science in Forensic Science. Every other college requires a chemistry major with a forensic minor and that was just not going to work for me…

I like chemistry, don’t get me wrong, but it’s definitely not something I’d like to major in. Ironically there is so much emotion when chemistry comes to mind at this point that it’s kind of a rollercoaster. Before I get to the main culprit for the emotions I have to share some pride, first. I have two incredibly gifted children, the oldest being ALL things science. He decided when he was 7 that he wanted to be a rocket engineer and help put man on Mars. We’re a few years into this and it’s still his dream! However, before that while he was 6 and in the first grade, he started memorizing the periodic table and learning everything he could about all of the elements. When I say he is all things science, I mean it. The kid was the element Oxygen for halloween in second grade… he may be difficult at times but boy do I love him!

Okay, breathe… the culprit for the rollercoaster is that on September 21, 2009 I was in a very serious car accident… on my way to a chemistry class. It was the day we were getting our first exam results back, and to this day I have no idea what I scored. I was turning left getting off the expressway when someone ran a red light at full speed and t-boned my driver’s side door. You know how in movies or shows when there’s an accident everything slows down? When you can see everything happening but there’s nothing you can do for what feels like minutes, when in reality it’s literally mer seconds? Yeah, whoever writes those scenes has clearly, unfortunately, experienced a major accident because that’s legit how it went down. At the last moment I tried turning to the right so the impact wasn’t as bad. The car was totalled and with the extent of my injuries, I don’t even want to fathom how much worse it would have been! When everything slowed down and I knew it was happening, I remember just letting go and letting it happen. I apparently opened the door and yelled a few choice words but didn’t get out of my car. I couldn’t. I apparently was able to call Igor at work and tell him but I only vaguely remember it. I also know I called one of my parents, not sure who, but I remember some older gentleman staying with me talking on my phone as I was trying to describe my health issues. Or maybe he called them? No idea. Then everything went black until I awoke in the ambulance to the EMT cutting my jeans. This is totally trivial and vain but those were my favorite jeans, dammit! They were like the sisterhood of the traveling pants, except the sisterhood was the traveling weight I yo-yoed!

I don’t remember much after waking up during transport but I do know that Igor was Speed Racer and made it from work in Brighton to the hospital before I even arrived. For reference, that’s easily a half hour drive and I was only one mile from the hospital. My mom was scheduled for neck surgery the next day and I remember us both crying because we couldn’t be there for one another. I had gotten a concussion but was never told about it, I found out years later after the lawsuit was finalized and I got all the paperwork from my lawyer! With EDS [06. H.S/ Diagnosis] my left shoulder completely rotated and due to swelling the initial CT scan and MRIs didn’t show it, but I had suffered a spinal injury. We knew something was wrong because I couldn’t feel from the waist down, but I still had some movement. I was stable enough to head home, without answers, after 5 days and barely any memory from the time of the accident through my time in the hospital. I started physical therapy 3 times a week for my shoulder and learning to walk safely without feeling. During the next 3 months sensation slowly started creeping up my left leg and then eventually my right foot on up. However, my right side has never gained 100% full feeling back. After those 3 months I had graduated from PT and roughly 3 months after that I was back getting new MRIs and reaching out to spinal/ neurosurgeons.

During those first 3 months of uncertainty I had to put my forensic plans on hold, leaving me at a complete loss of what to do next. Igor had suggested possibly looking into a quick certification that would allow me to do school remotely while I healed, while also allowing me to work eventually as I continued pursuing my degree in forensics. You see, Igor and I had just gotten engaged ONE month prior to the accident and our engagement timeline was in accordance to my finishing my degree. While unmarried, I qualified for most of my tuition being covered but once we got married that qualification would be kicked to the curb. This accident turned my life plans upside down, breaking my heart, yet again. Being that becoming a nurse most of my life had been my dream, I went the medical assisting route and became a Certified Medical Assistant under the gold standard accreditation of the American Association of Medical Assistants.

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Husband Appreciation Post

Thank you for being the reason I smile.

Since I am new to this whole “blogging” thing and my posts are mostly in chronological order, I have to admit I was stumped with how to go about adding in new things. At first I just wrote and made a note [ —- I have no idea where this is going to fit, however I need to write so I’m writing.]  which seemed like the logical thing to do. However, if I just kept writing and posting in order then I’d never be caught up, unless I did a major post dump. Which I suppose is always possible; I mean the last published post was 04. and I already have up to 11. in my drafts. Buuuuutttt no!

So I am sitting here trying to figure out a way to differentiate between [the beginning] and what I want to write about, literally right now. Igor (OH! Perfect example for why I’m stumped!! You see, the last relationship I mentioned was Kevin, which we really haven’t even dove into yet. AND O.M.G. I just now realized that I haven’t even published his introductory post yet. Whoops. See the struggle?!?) Damn… <- And yes, I could have deleted all of that but then I wouldn’t be sticking to my truth. So moving on.

It was my husband’s (^ Igor) idea to simply not number current posts. Uhmm… so simple yet BRiLLiaNT!! And of course [obviously] I can and will categorize them as current vs. the beginning but I am giving Igor the win here! It is the “Husband Appreciation” post after all! Though, it wasn’t the brilliant idea that sparked this post. Oh no, Igor deserves every damn praise I can give him right now! 

You see, our 10th Wedding Anniversary was last August and the ONLY thing I wanted was an ‘anniversary cake’ made the same way as our wedding cake.

That didn’t happen.

… nor did I receive anything else …

Okay, this is absolutely an appreciation post for him and I certainly don’t want to speak (type?) ill of him but again, my truth. Igor isn’t a gift giver, which would be easier to handle if my love language wasn’t [receiving gifts.] – >Yup<  – It has definitely caused some issues as I am sure you can imagine, however, we are at an incredible place in our marriage and our communication has never been more open and honest as it is right now!! He’s working on it and I’ve called in reinforcements (my oh so magnificent Young One/cousin/best friend who was helping me to edit these posts {initially}). When your love language is receiving gifts you know how to give a damn good gift! ::Brushes Shoulders Off:: And by gift it doesn’t even need to be something bought, just simply something showing that you’re thinking of me. A note, a flower from the garden, a drawn heart on the bathroom mirror with a dry erase marker, a planned date, anything. It’s about showing that you’re thinking of me and -wanting- to do something to fill my bucket. It’s the added effort behind it vs. just getting the latest thing off my Amazon wish list, you know? Sara’s love language is also receiving gifts so being one of my best friends and not just my cousin, she sure knows me and can offer up some superb ideas!

Now back to why an appreciation post was a MUST!! 

While I may not have gotten my cake for our anniversary, it needs to be noted that the baker who made our wedding cake retired from her business and neither of us were aware of it. After feeling my true disappointment about our anniversary, Igor was able to get a hold of her and get recommendations for other bakers. She let him know what to ask for since it was a cake she had never made before and those other bakers likely hadn’t either. So, he reached out but none of those other bakers would make it!?! I mean it was unique I’ll give you that but it shouldn’t have been too difficult for a baker…

You guys, this man took it upon himself to BAKE IT FROM SCRATCH all by himself!!! What?! I have never felt more loved, seen, heard or appreciated! The effort he put into this thing? OMG!!! The only time he has ever baked before was for my 25th birthday. I wasn’t able to have dairy at that time since I was still nursing and my Bookinns couldn’t handle dairy products. He tried making me a simple dairy free chocolate cake but it was nothing compared to this cake! This cake? This is a 4 layer strawberry and chocolate marbled cake with ricotta and chocolate filling and cream cheese frosting sprinkled with chocolate!!! All. From. Scratch!! We’re talking even real fresh strawberries! Ha. I literally CRY just thinking about it!!! My bucket is so full I cannot stop smiling, WOW! I love you Igor so freaking much, my appreciation is beyond words. Thank you, THANK YOU, thank you!!

But honestly, above all, I am so damn PROUD of you!!! My uncontrollable smile and tears are in part from beaming with pride. Seriously, you’ve done an amazing job! I LOVE YOU!!!!!