Category: Relationships

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23. Poor, Poor Choices.

“I wouldn’t change a thing about what I’ve done in the past because what may have been bad choices have all led me to this moment.” – Minnie Driver.

Uhh… Sooo, since I realized that I missed talking about some friendships and mentioned previous >poor choices< in [22. Jobs of The Past], I figure why not rip the bandaid off now… My parents and I are -very- close. Like, I’m pretty sure they haven’t read anything in my blog thus far, that they didn’t already know – to an extent. I think? There may or may not be some things in the post that they are hearing for the first time. Maybe. And I don’t know why it makes me anxious, I’m a grown woman; not to mention who doesn’t make poor choices when they’re younger? Hell, I just learned a few months ago that my mom has used harder drugs in the past – which I had NO clue! It actually kind of blew my mind. Just like it kind of blew her’s, that neither Igor or I have ever had anything marajuana related. I’m not opposed, I just haven’t felt the desire to do so. However, I may look into it at some point for health reasons, but until then – alcohol has only ever been the bad influence, at times.

Here we go… I was 12 the first time I ever tasted alcohol. I was at a birthday party and there was a giant thing of Jack Daniels, just out like it was no big deal. And by giant, I mean half a keg size, specialty bottle, with a spout. Oh peer pressure. I know my kids are going to mess up and we talk to them regularly about peer pressure. It’s inevitable, everyone gives into something, at least once. I’m not naive. I just hope they’re able to retain the knowledge that when they do mess up, to [call us]! I don’t care what time it is, I don’t care what they’ve done, I just want them safe, and that calling us is -always- the right thing to do!! Everything else can be addressed later, my priority is their safety. I may be disappointed in their actions but their strength to admit it and ask for help, will overshadow any anger in the moment!! As of right now, I really don’t think I’ll have anything to worry about with L, it’s K I’m more concerned about. But, only time will tell – I will just continue to hope that lines of communication stay open.

That night my dad was picking me up from the party and I was >Terrrrrrifed< that he’d smell it; especially being in recovery – but nothing was said if he did! SORRY DADDY!! ::hidesinshame:: After that, I had a few sips or a drink here and there once I was in High School, but never really got “drunk” until I was 17. I have to admit that 17 was my [party] year, though I’d never really call myself a ‘partier’. However, it was definitely the age that I drank the most irresponsibly, putting myself in situations that thankfully didn’t turn out worse! It was the first (of 3.5) time/s that I drank so much I blacked out. <- the other 2.5 times were my 18th birthday, the last night of my honeymoon, and the .5 would have to be 2 summers ago when my cousin mixed me a drink while camping; and I busted/broke the tip of my finger. I consider that a .5 because I do remember most of the evening, before/after busting my finger – but from the first sip to that is a little hazy, and it was only maybe a half hour. That drink was -dangerous-! For such a tiny woman, she can make a mighty drink! ::NoteToSelf::MakeSureToEatWhenSaraIsBartending::

Not that it’s an >excuse<, because there aren’t any – but I need to note that 17 was the year that things were the most on/off/rocky/back&forth between Kevin and I [09.First Love], things were confusing as hell with Jami [11.Childhood Friendships+], it was the same year Asshole was in my life [13.Survivor], the event between Jack and I that caused me to move in with my dad and Brian [03.Mom], annnnd it was the year I became homebound because I wasn’t healthy enough to attend school regularly[06.HS/Diagnosis]. Soo, I can’t really blame 17 year old Jena for trying to numb all the bullshit going on in her life, attempting to hold onto the scraps of teenage-angst, ‘normalcy’ they speak of. ::shrugsshoulders::

NYE when I was 17 was full of poor choices, but I justify that I made the right choice in the end, even if it wasn’t the smartest choice, it was definitely the safest! So there’s that. I was attending a house party with Jennifer [11.Childhood Friendships+] and drank an entire bottle of Hypnotic by myself. ::barf!:: I didn’t actually get sick but just the thought of it makes me sick, now! I remember going into a room with a guy I had only just met, and exited with the [worst] hickey I’ve ever had. I am >realllllly< fortunate that Kevin called to wish me a Happy New Year, as it was his call that stopped me from making what would have likely been a very regrettable decision!! ::shifyeyes&blushing:: He was on his way back to MI from a basketball tournament in TN, and was bored on the bus. He was going to be in town that next day and wanted to get together. Oh flutter, it’s a blessing and a curse how memories can cause physical reactions, almost 2 decades later!! It was also talking to Kevin that allowed me to sober up enough to make another questionable choice, but I firmly believe it was the safest!

Remember Beau? [09.First love&22.Jobs of the past] Yeah, I called him to come pick me up. I’m not quite sure why he wasn’t doing anything, but he was sober (since he never really drank) and didn’t think twice about getting me out of the situation I was in. I was supposed to be spending the night at Jennifer’s, so imagine my mother’s surprise the next morning when I came home early, as Beau had to get to work. Ohhh, maybe that’s why he was home?! Annnnyway, I knew that I could trust him. I knew that I had made a mistake and I knew that Beau wouldn’t be happy about it, but he jumped to my rescue. <- See, not only did he not really drink, he also didn’t entertain the idea of hanging around people who did. Which is ironic in the depths of foreshadowing… I know that our relationship was innocently-inappropriate at best, but he really did have my best interest at heart. There is definitely a lot of gray area around the line of [right & wrong], when it came to our relationship. However, as scary as it was, I was honest and upfront with my mother about what had happened the night before, and in that moment, she was grateful for Beau and his “older brother-type” role, that she was beginning to believe that we had. As deceitful as that may have been, I think his caring for me that NYE is what allowed her to drop her guard a little and allow me to see him more regularly, without having to hide it.

That brings us to my 18th birthday, just a few short months later… Oy. So I flew down to Tampa to spend spring break with Sheri. [11.Childhood Friendships+] I was met at baggage claim with her and her best friend Alex. They had a birthday gift for me and said that I had to stop in the bathroom and change before we went out. Little did I know, they had bought me the most revealing dress I think that I have ever worn- let alone owned! I mean, to be fair, with my chest, it wasn’t too hard to keep anything from being revealing.. But still! I was so uncomfortable but looked at it a few different ways. 1) It was my 18th birthday. On spring break. In Florida. Everyone was going to be dressed the same way at the clubs. 2) No one besides Sheri knew me, I was able to be someone, anyone, other than the bedridden teen that I had been, not much long prior. 3) It wouldn’t matter by the end of the night because I’d likely be too drunk to remember. <- which is correct, I was. I blame Alex! Haha. Alex had decided that because I was now an “adult”, and it was my actual birthday, I was to be treated ‘like the [queen] that I was’ and have Godiva Chocolate martinis!

From what I do remember, we had a great evening! From what I don’t remember, resulted in Beau giving me the silent treatment for the next 4 months! I know that an email was written about said silent treatment so I just went back and read it. Holy shit – that was heavy! And I have to say, I’m genuinely surprised and SHOCKED at some of the things I read, ha ha. Like, a major topic in it, I have completely erased from my memory. Even reading it, I don’t remember it… ::mindblown:: In the email it says that I explained everything to my mother about what had been going on and that it was her who suggested I write him the letter. Again, -no- clue. Apparently Beau and I hadn’t been in the greatest of places for a few months. I was deliberately acting out and doing things that I knew he wouldn’t approve of. I felt that if he hated me, it would be easier than him hurting me. And by hurting me, I mean breaking my heart. Sounds like a typical teenage reaction, no? 

__ Dang, I think I just realized some shadow work that I need to work on__
Why is it that as a grown adult, with children of my own, that I feel uncomfortable sharing these things? I know that it’s my truth. I know that it’s my past. I know that those who are in my life now don’t care about who I was or what I’ve done. They love and support all parts of me. Yet, I feel like I’m a little girl, afraid of getting in trouble; or having someone think bad about my choices from the past. What? This isn’t me…

::Breathe:: Okay, so, according to my letter to him, we had recently faced a pregnancy scare. ::turnsred&hides:: During that time, he had recently started seeing someone more regularly. Oh, and here’s the irony that was foreshadowed – she was slightly older than him… and an alcoholic. She was not in recovery and it had ruined her marriage. <- Uhm? How? WHy? She is not someone he would have everrr entertained the idea of hanging out with, let alone dating!?! I was beside myself for obvious reasons, but maybe it was his way of backing away and not intentionally but intentionally hurting me? I honestly have NO idea what his motives were at that point in time. Though, I now see and understand why I felt it was better for him to hate me than hurt me. Oh foolish child, you deserved so much better! So, what led to the silent treatment you ask? A drunk dial. I supposedly, drunkenly called Beau and apparently had quite a few things to say in regards to who he was dating and what had been going on; I honestly to this day have [NO] idea what exactly was said – all I know is that I really, really, reeeeally hurt him. And it wasn’t just the phone call. I may or may not have made my profile picture on Myspace, a photo of me kissing “some random guy” – when he made me promise him I wouldn’t hook up with anyone. <- Which, to be fair, I didn’t! It was an innocent kiss, all in good fun, especially because the guy wasn’t really random at all. Turned out the guy was Kevin’s oldest brother’s childhood best friend, whom I had met a time or two over the years. Ope.

To discuss a poor choice I made in Canada when I was 19, I need to discuss the past. I had a friend whose mother is… let’s call it ‘a little rough’. I do not like to judge others but her children definitely had a rocky upbringing. Her name was Pagie and we were friends in and out of each other’s lives, a few different times. Her mother being in a lower income situation, she moved around a lot. We were really good friends in preschool/early elementary school, but she left for a few years, before returning for the last trimester of 5th grade. Just in time for her 11th birthday. Which is -very- ironic because it was her 19th birthday that we spent in Canada together.

I remember when her sister and my brother were in 5th grade together, and hearing that her sister was spending the night at a friend’s house on a school night. I couldn’t believe it! Fast forward, Paige was the first person I had a sleepover with on a school night, in 5th grade. Haha. Synchronicity my friends, back in action. It was at Paige’s birthday party that I had my first ‘french kiss’, during a game of spin the bottle… with Paige’s older brother. Rocky was 2 years older than us and suuuper good looking. Like, [ALL] the girls fawned over him. There was another friend at the party who was head over heels for him; oh the attitude I received from her, lasted months! He was also a ‘bad boy’ so of course that didn’t make things easier. Girls always fall for the bad boy, right? So besides playing spin the bottle at 11, having my first “real” kiss <- though was it technically a first kiss when I had already had my first kiss? No, calling it the first real kiss just doesn’t sit right. Anyway, you get the point. Why was this such a >poor choice<? I… had a boyfriend. And yes, a boyfriend in 5th grade sounds beyond ridiculous right now, but at the time, it was a big deal. Especially because we “dated” for 6 months. The thought is even more ridiculous as my oldest is in 5th grade, and a relationship is SO FAR off his radar!! We recently told him that we suspected a girl had a crush on him and he was not happy, haha. I didn’t want to kiss Rocky, but peer pressure once again got the best of me. Annnnd knowing that I was going to kiss a guy that everyone wanted, who was older no less… ::IshakeMyheadAtThee:: 

I should blame Paige, especially after I tell you about Canada. HA! So Middle school came and Paige moved again. It wasn’t until I was 18 and working at Claire’s [22.Jobs of the past] that we connected again. We instantly recognized one another, her mother remembered me after Paige explained who I was, and after that we were rather inseparable for the next year or so. Basically if I wasn’t with Kelly [Friendships pt. 2] I was with Paige. See, the whole reason Paige and I were friends when we were younger, was because of Auntie. [08.Auntie] She used to go to the beauty school for cheaper nails and perms (actually, getting our nails done together was something we did every 2-4 weeks! I have no idea when it started but I was youuuung.)

–side tangent– Igor called me the other day from Somerset Mall, somewhere neither of us had ever been; as it’s a really high end mall. Synchronicity again… I always knew about Sumerset from the stories I’d hear at the beauty school! And more synchronicity? I didn’t start this entry today and I never know the full direction that I’m going to go. That said, tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary of Auntie’s passing [11/21/22], and I know wholeheartedly that she is with me and why all of this came to mind. –tangent over–

Anyway, Paige’s mom was a student-turned-employee that Auntie really liked, and loved the idea of Paige and I being friends. I have no idea if Auntie knew the roughness of her lifestyle, but she somehow looked past it if so. Honestly though, I would like to say that’s the case, but the truth is she was rather judgemental sooo… I think she was naive to the truth.

Now that brings us to Canada. We were there for Paige’s 19th birthday and spent the weekend in Windsor. I know that Paige’s other friend Jessica met up with us, but I don’t remember if she was there the whole weekend or not – and Paige’s mother was. The first night we met this group of guys from Chicago. They were in their early twenties and claimed that they were there for a bachelor party; though were cagey on who the bachelor actually was. There were 3 guys at the club and supposedly 2 back at the hotel. We ended up hanging out with these guys all night. At one point they wanted to check on their buddies and have them come out with all of us. Foolishly, Paige and I went with them. I would like to say I’m surprised that her mom encouraged it, but I can’t be if I really think about it. I honestly cannot believe the “it won’t happen to me” mindframe we had. THANKfully [nothing] did happen, but seriously?! De.u.em.bee. When we got to their room we initially stayed in the hall while one of the guys went in. Sure enough there were 2 guys passed out drunk from an over indulgence of day drinking at the casino. Turns out >he< was the bachelor. Little did we know at the time, but 3 out of the 5 were. Three! And only one of the two back at the hotel were. If my math serves me right, that means we spent the evening hanging out, drinking, dancing, and flirting with these guys, two of whom were getting married!! Ahhh makes me so angry thinking about it! While Paige was legitimately just hanging out as one of the guys, I really hit it off with this guy JJ. He even [asked] me if he could kiss me. Asked me?! For someone who wasn’t a novice to kissing ::yesthereISshameWithinme:: that was a first… He had this odd obsession with my tongue ring and kept saying, “oooh tongue ring” all exaggerated as if he had just had the best bite of dessert. <- ha. May be a bad comparison but it’s the only time I react that way. ::rollsoverlaughing:: Okay so long story short – the evening ended with us exchanging phone numbers. Which, cool, he wasn’t one of the bachelors, right? WRONG… I found out via Myspace that he got married the weekend [after] we met! ::breatheeee:: I hate men. Ever since that experience proved that bachelors will be bachelors, I’ve hated the idea of my significant other having and/or attending a night out celebrating! >Thankfully< I don’t have to worry as I picked myself a super-quiet-introvert, who’d never want to be in a situation that could upset me in that way! WHOOOO!!!

Annnnnd last and hopefully last… the last night of our honeymoon. I was given multiple shots of chilled high end tequila. And by multiple I mean, I can remember at least 3 double shots before even going to the club for karaoke. I remember the male bartender was in [disbelief]! Ha. But thennn a couple we had met earlier in the day happened to join us at the club. The guy was so far gone he kept ordering shots for the 4 of us and I ended up drinking his. Igor only ended up doing 2-3 I think, but at some point the high end chilled tequila ran out and we got switched to naaaaasssssty warm stuff. By this point I was at about 8 double shots in for the evening… I was g.r.e.a.t. Having the time of my life. <- Let it be known, I never really did shots prior, they always made me sick; but somehow this chilled stuff was like water that night! And then they told us they had ran out and brought us the cheap stuff. After literally -one- sip, I turned my head and the scene quickly resembled the Exorcist. ::turnsred:: ::greenrather:: No, seriously, it shot out of me and I just turned my head back like it was nothing. It was then I blacked out. I woke up to Igor holding me in the women’s bathroom, on the floor. I guess I had gone in there and after a while he got worried and came to check on me. No idea. I vaguely remember waking up on the floor and then phase in and out while someone from the resort was pushing me back to our room in a wheel chair… a night to remember, ish, I suppose?! Ha, ha.

Oh the shame! ::facemeetpalm:: No, you know what? I’m not that girl, but if it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t be where I am today! So eff the feelings of shame, guilt and regret!!

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19. No Frenemies Here

“Friendship can be found in the most unlikely places if you’re willing to open your heart.”
– Lisa Currie

In [18. This Ain’t a Fairytale] I mentioned that while I didn’t care that Kevin had lied to me, I did ultimately end up caring in the end for reasons you wouldn’t expect.

Somewhere in the earlier months of 2009, I received an instant message from someone I never expected. Someone I genuinely hated at one point in time. I mean, I named my Mom’s deformed guppies (the ones that were so inbred they looked like the letter S) after this person… ::cringes:: – Hey, I was young and upset and feel terrible now looking back, while still finding it a bit hilarious because this person ended up becoming one of my really good friends. You know the friendships where you can go months, even years without really speaking or seeing one another and it’s as if -no- time has passed at all, you’re still just as connected? Who knew that a friendship like that could blossom out of the ashes of prior circumstances!?! 

The instant message I received was asking about the last time I had spoken to Kevin, as he apparently had saved photos of me on his computer. At this point Igor and I were back together and I didn’t know when I last spoke to him, but was honest about that previous fall. This conversation led to a luncheon to discuss everything. A luncheon with someone I’d easily have put money down in favor of never happening. I suppose it’s a good thing I don’t gamble, right?

If you haven’t figured out who I’m talking about yet, meet Kim; the girl who initially came between Kevin and I, and ultimately the cause of the final collapse of mine and Kevin’s friendship all together. 

See, when Kev first started texting me while I was in Seattle (that previous August), he and Kim were still together. And I knew that. At first we were just catching up, that then led to reminesting and [innocent] flirting. However, flirting with someone knowing that they are in a relationship, no matter how “innocent” it may seem, is >never< okay and I fully admit my wrong doing!! At the time though I really didn’t care because, well, it was Kevin and I certainly wasn’t a Kim fan to begin with. As time went on his texts weren’t as innocent, with follow up replies such as, “What Mama don’t know won’t hurt.” – Yeah, no, I put off hanging out.

Knowing our history, I didn’t want to be in a situation where feelings took over, taking things too far while he was in another relationship. Because, in order of staying truthful I have to admit that it wouldn’t have been the first time, and I swore to him I wouldn’t be that girl again. Not after what I went through with Christopher. [13. Survivor] I couldn’t be the cause of that type of pain for someone else, no matter what my feelings were towards them! Kev and I were magnets to one another, like an addiction; he was my drug and it was easier(safer?) just maintaining distance. Neither of us had the control to stop things in the past and by allowing that to happen, it sent him down that type of path for future relationships. <- Though I do not take blame for that, his actions were(are) his own; I was just the beginning. I don’t know what really went down between them for him to tell me they broke up, but he was very convincing which is why I finally agreed to hanging out…

He was back living with his parents; talk about deja vu! Though, I have to admit it felt damn good hearing how excited his mother was when she -thought- she heard my voice, only to come running with open arms like a giddy school girl who hadn’t seen their best friend in a week! His mom and I had a special bond, she used to tell me to come by for a drink or just to hang out even when Kev and I weren’t together. Of course I never took her up on it, but it was nice knowing she still cared about me! When my mom moved I came across a VHS of his kindergarten graduation that must have gotten lost in the shuffle of day to day, way back when. I mailed it to her with a note expressing how as a mother myself, I know how special these memories are and that it was only right that she get it back. I never heard anything so I can only hope she actually received it, ha. ::crossesfingers::

As I said, we were magnets towards one another, or rather a moth to a flame may be a more accurate metaphor. We were just hanging out, laughing and the next thing I knew he leaned over and kissed me. And like I admitted in [18. This Ain’t a Fairytale] ‘I was in total shock. And confused. Oh, so, so confused!’ He sat back and apologized. I smiled and told him it was fine; not a big deal, only for him to then lean in again…oy. Based on what I mentioned above, how was it that it ended there? I’d like to say maturity but in truth I honestly don’t know what would have happened had I not received a phone call, pulling me back into reality. ::FaceMeetHandsHidingInShame:: That phone call? That phone call was the source of my utter confusion at that moment. Why? Because it was Igor asking if he could stay over. He had just finished soccer, was really tired and didn’t think he’d make the hour+ drive back home safely. Obviously I couldn’t say no to that, no way would I be the cause of him risking his safety! So, Kevin and I awkwardly said our goodbyes and I headed home.

Oooookay, fast forward to that luncheon with Kim… When she told me that her and Kevin had still been together, [girl code] set in! She didn’t deserve it, she needed to know the truth. Even if that meant risking and losing someone who was quite literally in my life from ages 8-21. It could also once again be synchronicity that I was forthcoming because by doing so, it was the final fall for Kev and I. Whether I knew it {sub}consciously or not, telling Kim everything was for the best, as it allowed for that [major] chapter in my life to finally come to an end! As much as I loved him, our relationship was toxic and it took me a long time to see it. 

She didn’t know the extent of our relationship, just that I was the ‘ex-girlfriend’. All of my -hatred- for her wasn’t her fault; she was just as in the dark in the beginning as I was at the end. Sitting there that day, I came to realize what an incredible person she really was! She never once blamed me and from that day forward, she was who’s side I was on. It took her some time to really see the toxicity of their relationship as well, but ultimately she found the right guy!! It’s amazing how life works out – to go from hating someone to becoming such good friends you attend each other’s weddings? I honestly never would have thought it possible! Obviously she too falls under the “after high school most noteworthy” from [Friendships pt. 2] but -our- story required so much more to be explained. 

After I first went public with my blog she messaged me in awe over my strength to tell my story. As a social worker she knows how hard it is speaking your truth and expressed how proud of me she was. She also admitted that the [09. First Love] post put her in “all kinds of feels” stating: “I am so sorry I caused so much pain for you at that time! I had no idea. But I will NEVER forget meeting you for the first time for lunch at Max and Ermas. ❤️ There will always be this beautiful connection and bond with us and I’m so grateful for how sweet and kind and embracing you were to me, when you had absolutely no reason to be.”

The thing is, she’s right, I had absolutely no reason to be but you know what? She also has absolutely >nothing< to apologize for!!! I am so grateful for our friendship and the strength we both developed leaning on one another for support! Like the quote above says, friendship really -can- be found in the most unlikely of places!

**Love & miss you, Kimmy! Let’s get the boys out on their first boat ride this summer & maybe even teach them to fish! I know you’re the girl to call! 😉 Maybe they’ll even be lucky enough to find an owl ring for themselves, haha!**

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18. This Ain’t a Fairytale

“I’m a hopeless romantic and I believe that you can find love in many different places and be very conflicted. I’ve discovered as I’ve grown up that life is far more complicated than you think it is when you’re a kid. It isn’t just a straightforward fairytale.”
– Rachel McAdams

I left off with Igor and I, having the most amazing NYE entering into 2009. <3 [16. Year One] The next morning? Let’s just say… there were earthshattering bombs upon my heart, when revelations came to light. Remember when I had said that we had both been keeping some things to ourselves? Yeah, mine had come out earlier but Igor probably would have kept his to himself even longer, had he not [slipped] and said something that led to more questions and prying of answers. You know when you catch someone guilty of something and they don’t know how to respond because they don’t want to lie but also don’t want to talk about it? We entered into that exact type of situation.

Turns out, “Mr. I’m Not Looking To Date” had actually been on a [few] dates just within the 2-3 months prior. ::boom;heartbreak:: all the while I believed we were getting closer, especially after seeing Wicked. Talk about having your cake and eating it, too (at the expense of your “best friend”)! I walked away from him and locked myself in the bathroom and just bawled my eyes out. I have no idea how long I was actually in there but, homeboy stayed in my room the entire time. When I was composed enough and able to, I kicked him out. I told him that I was so thrown, shocked, not to mention the feelings of betrayal. It was too much! I expressed that, at that point in time, I didn’t know if we could even be friends. I needed him to go and leave me alone. To give me a few weeks and maybe then I’d be able to talk. At least I wasn’t the only one in tears as he walked out the door. I’m glad he felt bad because I didn’t deserve being treated like that!!

So what was I keeping to myself? The fact that Kevin [09. First Love] started texting me again while I was in Seattle. Him and that girl who came between us were ‘broken up’ and it felt nice having the distraction for the both of us. However, by mid-late November I came forward with the truth when I -thought- Igor and I were legitimately becoming something more serious again. Kevin had kissed me and it left me in a total mind fk. In fact, my [Dear Cuz] post – she is who I called right after I got home because I was in total shock. And confused. Oh, so, so confused! Like, I was madly in love with Igor but this was Kevin. It had -always- been Kevin… >prior< to meeting Igor that is. So, that’s when I came forward and told him. I felt it was only fair that he knew the truth because we were technically still “broken up” but our relationship was so much more. However, I needed to know if it was finally time to let him go and allow myself to continue talking to someone I had over 12 years of history with!

Wouldn’t you think that would have been the perfect time to confess about his talking to other women and actually going on a few different dates? I mean, you’d think so, right? No, but you see, it was shortly after my honesty of Kevin kissing me that the Wicked tickets were presented to me. This time, it seemed as though my ‘doing the right thing’ by telling the truth of kissing another guy was in my favor. I stopped communicating with Kevin the way we had been and put the friendship boundary back up. Joke was on me though, apparently Kev and his girlfriend had been fighting but never actually broke up. From Aug. – Nov. I was being played by 2 different guys I had loved so deeply. By the time I had found out about Kev, Igor and I were actually back together and I honestly didn’t care. It was a nice distraction and familiar comfort. Although, I -did- end up {caring} but not for the reasons you would think… In fact, you’ll likely be shocked when I finally explain why that is, I know most of my friends and family were! Ha.

Okay, back to my Isgees. Not talking to him that second day destroyed me. How could just 2 nights ago have been one of the best nights we’d ever had? Laughing until our bellies hurt from playing the game Mad Gab. Such unspoken love (hell, even verbally expressed love) and connection from just a simple touch or eye contact. I had been through some shit [13. Survivor], but this one hurt more than anything else. By day three I couldn’t take it and sent him a text. Just 2 simple words as a reminder of the fun we had NYE: “mash ews”. He replied with a smiley face and “good imes”. <-not a typo, ‘imes’ is correct. That was that. I think we spoke once on the phone around day 5 or 6 for just a few minutes but that was the last time we spoke until day 10. To go from talking multiple times a day, every day, to once in almost 2 weeks. Yeah, it sucked!! 

January 10th, 2009 – Michigan decided to have a sweet ice storm unexpectedly. While it snowed, a lot, nothing really accumulated, just made for terrrrrible driving conditions. I mention this because I recieved what seemed to be an [urgent] phone call from Igor, wondering if I had anything going on that day, seeing if he could come over. That he -had- to talk to me!! He lived in White Lake at the time, which is a sold 30-40 minutes on a good day, depending on time of day. I obviously asked him if he was crazy because there was >no way< I would want him driving in those conditions, especially given the distance!! I told him I appreciated it but that we’d talk another day.

But see, the thing about Mom’s house was that the door was always open for those to come in. Rarely did someone knock on the door and wait to be let in, once they’ve been given the permission of just coming and going. Seeing as how often Igor had been staying over, that same “rule” had always applied to him.  A little over an hour after hanging up with him, Mom and I had one heck of a scare when Tanner (my dear beloved pup [rip]) barked and quickly ran to the door. Low and behold: Igor P. (<- Soo quick funny story; P. is not even his initial. Mom had come across this website that listed likely known family members and we were just putzing around one evening. In looking up Igor, everything associated with his family,  his correct age, old addresses – everything was listed as Igor P. It quickly became a joke/nickname for years to come. BUT!! The best part? We have actually gotten mail for “Igor P.” and I about die laughing every time! Haha.)

I was shocked! Excited but also… mad. I had so many feelings but ultimately I was happy to see him; I really did miss him. So whyy did he find it absolutely necessary to head over during an ice storm? What was SO urgent that he couldn’t wait? He made plans for us to go ice skating. He had even planned on stopping to get flowers but the roads were worse than he thought and decided not to take that extra time/risk. Huh? I had been talking about wanting to go ice skating for a while at that point and he had never been. I myself had only been once years prior with an old friend. I loved it and always wanted to go again. He found a place that had open skate not too far from Mom’s house and wanted to take me. I repeat, huh?! I was so confused, you could tell he was nervous, I didn’t really know what to think at that point. I asked him why and didn’t he initially want to talk? Like, I just told you less than 2 weeks ago I didn’t even know if I could be your friend, to give me time and yet here you are with this grand gesture? WTF is going on?!!

We sat down in the livingroom where he proceeded to tell me that the past 10 days were hell for him. The thought of me not being a part of his life was not a feeling he ever wanted to face again. During the days of not talking he had a lot of time to reflect on the past 10 months and realized that he had -never- been happier in his life. That I have brought out the best in him, saw him for who he really was, respected him, opened his eyes to a world he never imagined with feelings he never knew were possible. When he pictured his future – all of the good, the bad, the adventures, the day to day of daily life, [ I ] was who he saw beside him. I was the person he knew >without a shadow of doubt<, the person meant to be in his life, {for good}!! He was very naive and inexperienced at first and it took him time to see that. This was the first real big decision he made for [himself] that he no longer allowed his parents’ thoughts/feelings to have any influence over. It was -me- he loved. It was -me- he wanted. It was -me- that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. So, if I could find it in my heart to forgive him, he wanted to right his wrongs and officially be together again. ::CueTearsJustThinkingAboutIt:: I accepted his apology and we had an incredible time ice skating.

Now I can say: “from that day forward they lived happily ever after. <3”

Well, in terms of being together at least. Life’s a rollercoaster and happiness isn’t [always] the feeling of the moment, but together we’ll ride the ride until the end, hand in hand.

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16. Year One

“The eyes of love have 20/20 vision when focused on another, and become entirely blind when focused on ourselves.”
– Author: Craig D. Lounsbrough

“And from that day on, they lived happily ever after. <3
– The end.” [14. Forever & Always] Taylor Swift wasn’t wrong when she sang, “this ain’t a fairytale” because life simply isn’t as easy as that!

Coming from the Jewish-Russian background there is some truth behind the stereotype of a “Jewish mother’s guilt.” And does Igor know it all too well. Thankfully mine isn’t too bad but there were definitely times that she laid the guilt down heavily. I try my best not to make my kids feel that way because they are their own people, I respect their boundaries as human beings and do not believe in dictatorship. Now, that doesn’t mean I am a “free range” parent because I definitely am not, there are rules to be followed, but I respect my children’s feelings and honor their autonomy for who they are. Here’s a quick example: my children are both biologically male and identify as so. My oldest decided when he was 5 that he wanted to grow his hair out, but felt pressured by society to cut it as “boy’s don’t have long hair” according to my in-laws [especially..] So he cut it, and instantly regretted it because he no longer felt like himself. After a few more hair cuts he realized that he didn’t care what people thought, he wanted his hair long (at first it was because Mom had long hair- you know that whole “young-child Freudian theory”, but as it grew he felt more and more himself.) He was and still is often referred to as a girl by strangers because he really is pretty and his long hair is gorgeous! At first it really bothered him, he didn’t understand why others just -assumed- he was a girl; it became the perfect time to open discussions about gender, society, and “old world” thinking. How some people won’t understand, respect or agree with his decision and he may get made fun of for it.  After a while, he just stopped caring! We have always tried to instill that in life, you need to do what makes >you< happy, even though others may not agree or like it. It’s NOT easy to do, especially when people you care about don’t agree, and that kids at school (& people in general) can be mean. If you make a decision that causes you to stand out, you need to accept there may be backlash and that you need to be strong enough to not let it change who you are. If it makes you uncomfortable we’ll work through it and come up with a solution, but that being who you are is important, is validated, is okay! As long as you are happy and not causing any harm – {nothing} could or would ever make us feel differently towards him!!!

This whole situation has made him so strong in not caring that he stands out. At school he is one of the only ones in his class still wearing a mask and using a plastic divider at his desk. His response to being different? “I’m the boy with long hair, I’m used to being the only one that is different.” <- Oh my heart sweet child! I could not have been more proud in that moment as a mother! See, the thing is, he has always been different and stood out because of his giftedness, and the fact he -knew- his brain worked differently broke my heart because he saw it as a flaw. Thankfully now he embraces it and isn’t afraid to humbly-brag. Oxymoron? Eh, whatevs. He is who he is and while it isn’t easy at times, I couldn’t be prouder for who he is becoming!

Before I came into Igor’s life he didn’t know how to stand up for himself against his parents. He never wanted to disrespect them, but he realized that being able to voice your own feelings and opinions, especially as an adult, is not only okay, it’s crucial to your own life’s happiness! His family doesn’t see it that way. He is their child so he should do as they say. Much like how they feel we are Leighton’s parents so we are the ones who decide how his hair will be. He is young and shouldn’t be able to make choices like that for himself… F THAT! I would -never- expect Igor to disrespect his parents, but simply speaking up to them, against what they say, even when done nicely, is disrespect in their eyes. I mean, they moved to America to give their children a better life, it shouldn’t be a surprise when they grow up “American” with American Xennial views. Oh man, I have so much to say but I’ll leave that for another post(s)… or try to at least, haha.

As I said in [14. Forever & Always] I was honest about my health from day one, even though he may not have understood the extent of it. I do not have Fibromyalgia, but it is a term he was kind of familiar with so I used it as a way of explaining my pain from EDS [06. HS/Diagnosis]. His older brother (and roommate at the time) overheard and went straight to his parents. He may have been older but maturity wasn’t there yet; he still told his parents everything. Looks as though Igor wasn’t the only one to feel he wasn’t allowed to have his own life. It actually took until meeting his own wife to also grow a “backbone”, per say. That led to a shitstorm thrown into Igor’s lap about how I was basically “defective”. That he shouldn’t want to be with someone [sick] because it’ll ruin his whole life, who knew what would be passed down to >his< children, etc. To them it’s all about how {they’re} perceived by -others-! My mom made a comment once about how if we wanted a third child we could always adopt; I wish I had my MIL’s reaction on film – you’d have thought my mother spoke of witchcraft back in the 1690s. The disgust, the horror, the shame, the shock. The spoken, “Oh, no. No, no, no.” as if just saying the word “adoption” was taboo enough. ::rollseyes::

Anyway, with Igor having never been in a real relationship prior me, everything his parents said got to him. He was confused and wondered, what if they were right? He didn’t know any better because again, at this point in time he was still very much under their thumb. Which – led to us breaking up… after 2 months of being together 2-3x a week and talking daily for 3 months. I was so thrown off I didn’t even know what to think. It literally came out of nowhere!

But as time went on I realized it was more like when Kev and I used to “break up” [09. First Love]. We still hung out fairly regularly and talked daily. We were each other’s “besties” and neither of us were pursuing anyone else. Annnnd ultimately still hooking up (though not at first). I think the second time we hung out post “break up”, we had gone to the zoo (the first being like a half hour visit because I needed to get him his 25th birthday present I had already bought). The zoo was part of his Jdate profile questionnaire [14. Forever & Always] regarding an ideal first date, a date that never happened while we were [together.] This was probably 3 weeks after the “break up” and it was genuinely a great day! At the end of the evening, my heart burst with jOy when Igor –asked– if he could >:kiss:< me! How stinkin’ adorable is that? I mean 10/10 in terms of respect but also, awe!!<3 I wanted nothing to do with this break up and he knew where I stood. So, in my heart, I felt that maybe this was him reconsidering his choice… but no. He just missed me and was even more confused than ever because, how could something that’s not [supposed] to be, feel so {wrong} not being so? He had never been happier in life before I came into the picture; I was the first person to open his eyes to a whole different world and the thought of me not being a part of his life just didn’t make sense!

However, towards the end of summer I noticed some new female friends commenting on his Myspace that were questionable for someone claiming they weren’t [looking to date anyone]. I sort of felt defeated, not going to lie. I [knew] we weren’t together but it was -just- like it was when Kevin and I were “off” but {not off}. Was I destined to a life of on-again/off-again relationships? Was I subconsciously allowing myself to be used (per say) thinking it was keeping them close? Why did I keep putting myself in these situations?!? Oh yea ..>< Love ><.. Only, it was different with Igor! If you were to ask me who I loved more, it would honestly be a complicated answer. My love for the both of them was/is so different that they’re simply not comparable!! With Kev it was the butterflies, childhood memories, teenage hormones and the {“firsts”}, but with Igor it was as if my whole being felt such a deep rooted connection, a calmness and -completion-. My heart and soul just felt complete with him near.

At the end of August I headed out to Seattle for nearly 2 weeks to see my long lost bestie, Tiffany. [11. Childhood Friendships+] I fell \ IN LOVE / with the city and truly considered moving there! A fresh start. I purposefully made it a point to talk to Igor as little as possible: out of sight – out of mind. Simply enjoy my time with someone I hadn’t seen in 5 years. If we talked it was because he texted me. I did send him a postcard because, well, I may have been hurting because of him but he was still my best friend and the one picking me up at the airport when I returned. However, while in Seattle someone else started texting me again and wanted to get together when I returned. I’ll give ya one guess since it’s not like my love life wasn’t already complicated enough or anything. ::faceMeetpalm:: 

After getting my bags I was met with the biggest bear hug, kiss and a gift. I guess a coworker was making candles and he asked if he could get one for me. Dang this rollercoaster of a thing called, <life> sure has its twists and turns. That candle by the way was never used and currently sits on display in our main bathroom. What can I say, I’m a simple sentimental kind of gal. And by simple there really isn’t anything simple about me in retrospect, but at the same time… yeah, yeah I am! ::shrugs::

Over the next couple months things were status quo between us, though we both were keeping some things to ourselves, which neither of us found out until a while later. I don’t remember where in the exact timeline he started, but he started playing soccer Friday evenings with a co-worker in Ann Arbor. With Ann Arbor being closer to me than him, he often just stayed the night at my place afterwards. I went to some games and his co-worker’s girlfriend just couldn’t understand why we weren’t together. Honey, same? He went on a business trip to Chicago and when he returned he came right to my house with yet another gift. Huh, if you’ve read my [Husband Appreciation] post you’d know he’s not a gift giver, and yet, now I’ve received 2 in maybe 2 months? This is what we call -deception- my friends. Haha. Joking, kind of. But really, I find humor in this now reliving it because that wasn’t the last gift I’d receive while still “broken up” – in fact there were 2 more in December alone! ::HandsToCheeksShockedFace::

I come from a very musical family and love musicals. My grandfather used to take me up to Stratford, Canada to see them growing up. Stratford is known for their Festival of modern and Shakespearean plays in multiple theaters. It was also tradition that he sang, “Sunrise, Sunset” from Fiddler on the Roof at family weddings; I am so, SO grateful that he was able to at mine!! What an honor to bear witness, what became his last [true] performance! All of that said, one of my favorite live shows is }Wicked{ and I had seen it once before. Mom had gotten me tickets for graduation; so Jessie and I went since it was Jessie who introduced me to Wicked to begin with. [11. Childhood Friendships+] Wicked was coming to town and Igor got us tickets! What?! He even made plans with his best friend to get tickets for him and his girlfriend, too. It was the first time I had met either of them. Yup, 9 months and I hadn’t even met his best friend. Also, not awkward at all to have his girlfriend, whom Igor had only met briefly once before because the relationship was still new, pick me up so I could wait with her until the guys came after work. Nope, not awkward at all… <- Honestly? I don’t know how I did it! But she was so friendly and outgoing, she talked as if we’d been friends forever. That’s just the kind of person she is, though, we really did end up becoming friends and they even ended up getting married one month before Igor and I.

For those who are unfamiliar with the show, one of the most popular (punny because there is a song Popular) known songs is, >For Good<. If you haven’t heard it you must, here; you’re welcome! Here are just a few of the lyrics but the main point of the song:
“Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better
And because I knew you
Because I knew you
I have been changed
For good”

So good, right? I get chills just thinking of Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth singing it! With Marion being my [10. Twin Flame] this song always resonated with the two of us, still does. I think of both her and Igor anytime I hear it, must be because they’re my two counterparts! Anyway, during the show, during that song, Igor grabbed my hand, held it tightly and tried his best not to let the tears in his eyes fall down his cheeks. I was unaware at the time, but apparently he bought a necklace from the souvenir stand, and said necklace was given to me for Christmas! There went my heart flip-flopping again! Guys… see what I mean when I jokingly call his actions deception? Like, how does one NOT take that as a good sign?!?! We spent New Years together and it was honestly one of the best evenings together since the “break up” that it/I legitimately felt like we were getting back together… [officially].

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14. Forever & Always

“Everything I need is right here by my side; I’m only up when you’re not down, don’t wanna fly if you’re still on the ground-  it’s like, no matter what I do… I’m only me when I’m with you!”
– Taylor Swift

I don’t believe in coincidence. I know that not everyone will agree with me, especially Igor, [ ironically? ] but I believe everything happens for a reason, as there are way, way too many synchronicities in my life!! Take this post for example: the perfect timing to discuss my Isgees would be right here. It also just so happens to be number -* 14 *- in the timeline. I may not have had >everything< completely written to this point, but I did have an ideal timeline since I was originally writing a book. It was actually Igor who suggested I blog instead. He believes that I have an important story to tell, but also a uniquely-different perspective in my current life, as a chronically ill wife and mother to children with their own challenges. <- Color me impressed; he’s not wrong!

So where is the synchronicity you ask? Igor and I met and started dating -* 14 *- years ago, this past week… booom, mind blowing, huh? But no seriously, what are the odds? I know I have a few mathematicians in my life but even they have to admit you get chills reading that! There’s more along the way within our story, don’t worry. For 1) or is it technically 2)? Eh, how about we just go with it and not number them because it’ll likely become too confusing for us both. (And yeesss, I know technically that “should have” had a question mark ending because of the [how about], but quite frankly it just didn’t sit right with me.) ANYWAY… given current events, wouldn’t you say that synchronicity is at play once again, given that Igor immigrated here from Ukraine? More or less that his/our story (post) just so happens to align with what’s going on currently in his hometown. Or the fact that when he moved here initially, he lived down the street and was friends with my cousins from Oak Park, 40 minutes away from where I grew up? I’m tellin’ ya – nothing happens by chance!

After my heart was shattered, my mom and her friend tried hooking me up with a waiter (who was working on his masters in mathematics, ^  ironic…). He was a newly-divorced, single father who had recently moved out of the house located right next to my elementary school, to an apartment just up the road from where I live now. His name was Gary and after one date we both didn’t see it going anywhere. Now, if you’re unaware of this, it’s not uncommon for Eastern Europeans to change their names after immigrating here. Wanna know what Igor’s parents wanted him to change his name to but he refused? If you’re thinking, “Gary” – then you’d be correct! ::facemeetpalm:: Freakin’ synchronicity, I’m telling you!!

One day I was messing around on Myspace (awe, I miss making those custom profiles! Too bad I have completely forgotten any and all coding I knew by heart. Don’t use it – you lose it, right?) and saw someone talking about a new site, My Yearbook or something like that, and out of curiosity I clicked on it to check it out. I honestly do not remember anything about the site but I think it was a failed attempt to be the next new Myspace/Facebook. There was an article on the first page of some male celebrity talking about how you don’t have to be Jewish to join *Jdate*. Jdate? WTF is that? Turns out it’s an online Jewish dating site. I had never tried, let alone considered, joining an online dating site. I was still young, but sure, why the hell not? Growing up in Canton [01. Hello] there really wasn’t any exposure to Jewish guys so I joined for shits and giggles, never expecting to seriously find someone! I am not religious [I’d consider myself spiritual, however.] nor am I fully Jewish. It’s funny, In Jewish culture if your mother is Jewish, you’re Jewish. Yet, in Catholic tradition you follow your father’s religion. It’s no wonder I’ve had trouble discovering the real me – I’ve been mixed up since day one! HA, ha.

At first I didn’t pay anything because you can have a free account, ::PausesForInappropriatStereotypicalLaugher:: but if you wanted to message and actually connect with someone, you needed a paid account. I figured I’d give it a month since you had to pay monthly. The very first day I spent like an hour, maybe 2, just browsing around reading people’s profiles when I should have been doing homework. I really didn’t want to pay, but I just kept going back to this one profile in particular. His answers to the preset questions just drew me in. I could barely even see what he looked like because his profile picture was of him crouched down by a car, at night, from a distance. Really? Seems odd for a dating profile photo but okay – it wasn’t his photo that drew me in anyway, so it didn’t matter that I couldn’t really see him. That’s when I actually discovered you had to pay because I just felt drawn to messaging him. In the meantime other people had messaged me and I chatted with a few guys but I was more fixated on waiting to see how the first guy would respond to my message.

Two days. I didn’t hear back from him for two days. Why is that? I could insert the inappropriate reasoning for my laughing earlier… buuuut let’s just say he didn’t want to pay for the account either. He sat on it because apparently he had been trying the whole >online dating thing< and it wasn’t working for him. He decided to take a break for a while. Apparently it’s not uncommon for someone to message you just saying, “hey” <- which, why? If you’re interested in getting to know someone why would you just say, “hey’? I guess that shows where you stand as far as maturity goes. He didn’t want to pay just to get a message like that, and honestly, I can’t blame him. But see, if you knew him, you’d know that he is -way- too curious of a person to just let it go. The battle between “wasting money” and his curiosity came to a halt on February 26th, 2008.

To his surprise, it wasn’t just a “hey” but a rather lengthy message responding to most of his profile questionnaire. He responded but his “signature” at the bottom of the message was so far down, like if I wouldn’t have scrolled down all the way I would have missed it. That said, sitting across from my mom I admittedly asked, “What’s I, G, O, R?” ::turnsred:: In my defense, I knew that the name Igor was spelled that way, but I was so confused as it was so far down, alone, with nothing else, that I wasn’t sure if it was some short hand/phrase I wasn’t aware of in the online dating world. Kind of like A/S/L from when chat rooms first started becoming popular. And we can’t forget that I grew up in Canton. While it may have been a very diverse area, there certainly weren’t many, if any, Russians/Ukrainians known in the mix… It was a blonde moment, okay? Geez. Also, I was blonde at the time so I can get away with the excuse! ;-p

And from that day on, they lived happily ever after. <3
– The end. 

{{Bahahah! I don’t think I could say that with a straight face even if I tried!}}

Oh man, there is so much to say in regards to us and I don’t know what to say when or where, I mean 14 years is almost half my lifetime!

After that first message exchange, we couldn’t stop talking. We spoke on AIM practically day and night – which was super productive when you have school and work to worry about. Our connection was immediate. Talking to each other from day one just felt so natural, like I was talking to a best friend. I was myself, I was up front about my health (which, he didn’t understand the complexities at the time but it didn’t prevent him from getting to know me – yet.) I looked forward to telling him about my day. I was honest from the very beginning and told him that there were other people from the site who were interested in getting to know me. He was patient and understanding. I only ended up going out on one date with one other guy from the site. But again, I  was honest and talked with Igor prior to and immediately after. He wished me luck and asked how it went. We had a legitimate friendship right off the bat! Deep down, I knew there was more to this than just a friendship or just some guy I’d date without it actually going anywhere. Due to past relationships, it was difficult to be vulnerable. I had a habit of starting to get close only to push away before I’d allow myself to really develop feelings. I remember writing this long email explaining my history with that and basically begged him not to allow me to try and push him away. I didn’t want to run, I knew there was more between us but I also knew myself; which is why I had to come right out and be honest. But you know what? That feeling of running, of pushing away before getting too close… that feeling never came!!

My birthday was almost 2 weeks after we started talking and I invited him to dinner with friends, though he declined. We hadn’t actually met in person yet so I understood, it’d be weird and uncomfortable, especially for how quiet he is. Which, I gotta be honest, I had no idea was legit because he seemed so open and entertaining with me, you’d never know he struggled with small talk! I joke that he just didn’t want to get me a birthday gift. <- & no I won’t let him deny that being any part of the decision, ha, ha. We talked for nearly a month before we had our first date. Literally day and night. Knowing now how invested he gets when he has a gaming need to be met, (Almost like an addict needing their fix only it doesn’t last. Actually now that I think about it, any time he has a new interest he’s all in, all of the time, until his itch has been scratched and he’s moved on.) I feel honored and special that he was investing so much time talking with me, while simultaneously playing W.O.W. in the evenings. I must have been the new [all in, all of the time] interest for him… he just never moved on. <3

By the time our first date came I was nervous, but also at peace. I remember sitting in the parking lot talking to my mom when I saw him pull up and park; instant butterflies. Our plan was to meet up at Fountain Walk in Novi for Cold Stone and glow golf – a cute, simple first date. We “met” for the first time, right there in the parking lot between what was once Hooters and Emagine… classy.

{{ 42*29’24.4”N and 83*29’04.1”W }} <- We have a wooden sign in our family room with the coordinates saying, “where it all began”.

I’m pretty cheesy like that. Actually, I prefer sentimental. So, I’m pretty sentimental like that!

I’m a very affectionate person. I hug everyone, snuggle next to my friends to watch a movie, etc. Being a male raised within the Russian culture, Igor was not used to affection, at all. So when I hugged him when we first met it was a little awkward. And during putt putt when I’d pass him to move out of the way, I’d lightly caress his back or arm or whatever, just needing that physical connection. I was already falling for the guy, hard, it was difficult not being closer. I mean, we had been talking day and night for nearly a month; he easily quickly became one of my best friends! He says it was “sweet” looking back but didn’t know how to react at the time. Due to history, my mother was on high alert, knew what our plans were and whatnot. Thing is, we didn’t want the date to end. We ended up going to see a movie, Vantage Point, during which time my mother felt it necessary to call me multiple times. When I wasn’t answering she called Putting Edge looking for me, imagine her embarrassment when they asked her how old I was. ::crieslaughing:: No, looking back I probably should have filled her in but at the same time, I was an adult. I understand her worry, though out of character for her; I find the whole thing hilarious. After the movie we headed over to 12 Oak’s Mall to walk and talk more. The date lasted over 5 hours!! We genuinely just enjoyed being together. When I hugged him goodbye I was too chicken shit to do so, but I wanted to give him a kiss on the cheek so bad, ha,ha! Our second date was 3 days later and our third – 4 days after that; while also continuing to talk day and night. I don’t even know what we talked about but we couldn’t get enough.

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13. Survivor – edited*

“From every wound there is a scar, and every scar tells a story. A story that says, -I survived.” ― Fr. Craig Scott

I know that I haven’t finished discussing my past with Kevin [09. First Love] but we’re just going to skip forward some. It’s not that I won’t or don’t want to talk about him, I just feel like there’s more to share that explains {why} I am me. Or rather, how I’ve gotten to where I am? I don’t know, whatever.

There are 2 relationships post Kev – well, maybe not exactly -post- but we weren’t “together” and he was away at college getting accustomed to his new life as a freshman basketball player. So what’s the best way to move on? Rebound. Not that I was exactly looking for a rebound but getting to know someone else didn’t hurt in helping me forget about Kevin. Although that relationship may not have hurt helping me get over Kev, it definitely hurt and left its mark for years to come. Here’s a definite altered name because he doesn’t deserve to be called anything other than, Asshole. Our relationship may have only lasted 3 months but it’s amazing how one can emotionally abuse you so much that you’re forever altered after such a short period of time. * EDIT [When you are emotionally abused you do things and put up with things that you wouldn’t normally accept. Emotional abuse can and -often does- lead to other forms of abuse. I choose to use “emotional abuse” as my umbrella term as it’s easier to discuss and how it >often begins<]* How did this happen? My only guess is that I was so vulnerable after Kevin went away to school that my guard and standards were dropped.

*🚫➡️ To better understand emotional abuse please visit: Here
*🚫➡️ If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence,
contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for
confidential assistance from trained advocates.

I had only been diagnosed at Mayo [06.HS/Diagnosis] just a few months prior and was still corresponding with my diagnosing doctor via email. All of my important notes, results, suggestions – everything and anything that I needed to share with my doctors back home, teachers, everything – were saved in an important file within my email. In a stunt to show control, Asshole hacked in and deleted EVERYTHING! Not -just- my medical folder, but he wiped clean my entire email account, to nothing… Remember now, I am only 17 at this point and to technically have a yahoo account you needed to be 18 at the time (has that changed?). Not that an 18 year old would know any better how to rectify the situation but my mother got a hold of customer service so fast that even The Flash would have had whiplash! Buuuuut unfortunately there was “nothing” they could do, once things are deleted from the trash, they’re lost within the back hole of cyberspace.

Looking back now, I’m sure Jack could have figured out a way to retrieve everything as his hacking skills are essentially what granted him a free masters degree that lead to some significant cybersecurity jobs. It’s always been a running joke that he actually works for the government but can’t tell us. He gets SO mad whenever anyone mentions it. He may be a phenomenal bullshiter, using words intentionally to go above your head so you have no idea what he’s saying and end up just going with it, but a gut feeling is a gut feeling and this gut feeling says otherwise! Ha, Ha.

Anyway, it was this stunt that got my parents involved and I was finally able to break away from the grips holding me prisoner. I am not exactly sure what happened, I may have a fantastic memory but I’ve certainly tried to block A-hole out, but I do remember him calling me late at night while I was at my dad’s so mad, that my dad took the phone from me – letting this guy have it, threatening to call his parents and tell them everything while also getting a restraining order. He may have been 18 but he still lived at home and had his parents fooled. It only took that one threat for him not to contact me again… until spring break [11. Childhood Friendships+] about 18 months later. I have NO idea how this guy found out, but apparently he joined the military and was stationed in FL at the time I was there. I received a call from a number I didn’t know so obviously I ignored it. Hello!? Who actually answers random numbers from out of state area codes?!?? I then received a text message from the same number that shook me to my core. It didn’t say who it was, but > I knew <. It was something along the lines of how I’m not a child anymore and that since we’re both in the same state, and area at the same time we should get together. That it had been long enough that I [shouldn’t] still be upset and that I was an adult now and didn’t need Daddy to protect me.

BreAthE…

See? I meant it when I said it shook me to my core!! I was at the strawberry festival at the time, not somewhere I had even planned on going, it was a last minute thing with Sheri’s parent’s. Nowhere was it posted online, nothing. Wherever we were, it wasn’t far from him and I still get chills when I think about it. How? How did he know? After all that time, new phone number, what? I never responded and as soon as we told Sheri’s parents what was up we booked it out of there! He never tried contacting me again, until he congratulated me via a FB message on my engagement, over 2 ½ years later. Uh, HARD BLOCK! I knew him during the Myspace craze and my FB wasn’t even under my real name at the time. What THE ACTUAL fuck?!!! It’s been 12 ½ years and THANKFULLY the universe has been beside me and I haven’t heard from him since. He lived in Royal Oak, which just so happens to be one of the top locations for adult nightlife. There is so much to do down there even during the day, but I get paralyzed every time I go there. For years, I couldn’t. Even just getting off the exit to go to the Detroit Zoo was the same and caused extreme tachycardia. Has it gotten easier over the years? Yes. Am I still affected each time I head to Royal Oak? Yes. I don’t wish anyone ill, but I also wouldn’t shed any ounce of sorrow or tears if something happened to him.

He broke me.

Which is what sent me to someone SAFE, comfortable. Someone I trusted and truly cared about. Someone who pined over me for years. Someone my mom really cared for even when we were just friends, though she always wanted more for us. Do you remember the time I kissed a guy on the bus, on the 3rd day of freshman year? If not, meet Christopher [09.First Love]. Oh Christopher… See, I [believed] he was someone safe, comfortable and trustworthy; but he shattered my heart. Unbeknownst to me, he was an addict. He too joined the military and leading up to his departure we were much closer and from my understanding, together. This was somewhere around March-May 2006 I believe? His family knew me, I was in contact with his parents (mostly his mama) while he was at bootcamp. I helped set up his welcome home party, was driven to and from said party by his dad and step-mom. They believed I was his gal, until this other girl showed up bouncing off the walls so excited and introduced herself as his girlfriend to everyone… jaw meet floor. The confused looks we all shared, it was almost a pin dropping silence within our own little bubble. At one point his cousin asked who she was, then looked at me and said, “I thought you…” I cut her off and replied, “am the best friend” with a shrug. At one point they left together and when he came back, she was gone. He told everyone he didn’t know why she thought that but that she had left. Other than that, never once did he try to rectify the situation and barely even apologized to me. It took every ounce of strength that I had not to cry.

Later that evening I received an email from his mom apologizing for his actions, that she was in disbelief herself and so disappointed in him. She promised to talk to him and make him get in touch with me. So, even later that evening I received an instant message (ayy A.I.M.!) He just kept apologizing and telling me how much he loved me and was going to make it up to me. Saying all of the right things, right? We only got a chance to talk at night due to work and school/whatever else goes on in the service post bootcamp, oh and a mini deployment. For nearly a year, I genuinely believed in our relationship. He would [half jokingly?] ask me when we were “getting hitched”, even gave me a date; blah, blah, blah. So no, we were never really engaged but from my understanding, rather serious!!

Then one day in November 2007 I got an email blast announcement, announcing and congratulating the newly married couple… Wait, what? Yeah, that’s exactly what I said and thought, too. I was so confused and angry that I sent a message I should have probably waited to send until I had some time to cool off. He of course wrote me back not understanding why I was so upset. That he’d expect me of all people to be happy for him, that he loved me so much, -> wait for it…

[I was like a SISTER!]
Boom! Mic dropped!! I’ll let you digest that for a moment…

Are you fkin’ kidding me? I didn’t even know what to say. This had to have been a joke, right? Like, this isn’t real life. I have hours and hours of saved messages, letters, texts… a sister? GTFO! My mom was just as devastated as I was. I quickly blocked him and refused to talk to him. There was nothing left to be said!!

My heart was shattered. Literally shattered.

It didn’t help that Kevin had started dating a girl, thee girl that caused most of our issues at the end (well not the real, real end, but I guess in a way it was because of her that we are officially no longer in each other’s lives at all, just not at that time). Hello mental rollercoaster, we meet again… Chris’ mom emailed me a few weeks later checking in and seeing how things were going. The nerve, right? No, I get it, she genuinely cared and wanted to see how I was doing, but also why I wasn’t talking to Christopher. So, I wrote her back, attaching just a fraction of the conversations I had saved, but enough for her to see why I believed we were legitimately, seriously, together still. Ha. The ironic thing is, I don’t even know if we were ever really technically together.

If you remember, I mentioned Christopher was an addict, yet I had no idea. His mother called me so fast, so angry and disappointed in him that she wanted more details. She was in complete disbelief. She had no idea her son was even capable of doing what he did. Apparently she let him have it and he tried reaching out because he was confused. All I had to say, or rather show, was the middle finger to my phone as his name appeared. <- I had a bad habit of not deleting anyone’s numbers. ::shrugs:: I didn’t have anything to say to him and ignored all his efforts. BTW that marriage was over within months, maybe even weeks, if I’m not mistaken.

I met my husband about 3 months later with a high, high guard up. But I’ll explain our story another time. After about 8 or so months Chris was going to be in town and really wanted to get together to talk. Having met Igor I was in a better place to try and listen. As I was still ignoring him however, he reached out to me via his mom and I told her that if he was serious, then for him to call me when he was back in town… Yeah, that call never happened. THEN a little over a year later he reached out :again: and firmly made it known that it was imperative that I give him a chance to explain himself. That he had so much to say and that “I more than anyone deserved an apology in person.” Uh… Igor and I were in such a great place that I was conflicted and concerned for his feelings about my meeting up with Chris. Like, this would be the first time in close to 2 years since we’ve actually spoken. I didn’t want Igor feeling concerned or anything but I knew he trusted me and when I asked him permission (and no, of course I knew that I didn’t {need} his “permission” – it was more about showing my respect for his feelings!) he didn’t sound too happy but knew that deep down, I needed this closure in order to really move on and heal. He told me that he’d respect my decision either way but deep down I knew he was on eggshells. Little did I know, the same day that I asked Igor about my getting together with Christopher, was the same day he received what he hoped would be my engagement ring…

We made plans to meet for lunch a few days later. He wanted to come to the house but Mom didn’t think she was ready to see him, given everything. So we planned to meet at a local diner where I waited, and waited, and as it turned out – that day became the first and last time that I have EvEr eaten by myself at a restaurant. Fker stood me up!! Seriously?! I was beyond fuming at this point when I received a call as I was driving home. He called beggggggging me to meet up with him right then, claiming he slept through his alarm because his phone died or something, who the eff knows. I was too weak to say no, and ultimately I’m -glad- that I didn’t, but part of me wishes I was strong enough to have just said, “F.U.”

Igor was right, I needed that closure. I knew that our relationship was progressing but in order for me to fully drop my wall, to be authentically raw and 100% vulnerable in my love and trust for him, I needed this.
I’ll admit, it was hard seeing Christopher at first. He’s always had this charm and charisma about him that no one can withhold smiling back when he smiles at you. I kind of hate him for that, joking::notjoking:: He told me first and foremost that I deserved so much more than an apology, that there are no excuses for his actions and that he hated himself for the hurt he had caused me. He loved and respected me too much, to not apologize and explain himself in person. He knew that nothing he was going to say was going to fix or make things better, and that he would understand if I still held resentment, though of course hoped I wouldn’t. He really wanted to apologize to Mom but he understood and asked me to pass his sincere apologies on to her. It was this conversation where I learned about him being an addict. That he was so messed up in the evenings that he couldn’t recall half of our conversations. Essentially, our entire “relationship” was while he was under the influence and he was basically living a double life without realizing it. You smell bullshit, right? Cause, same! The more we talked, the easier it got to see his side of things and my wall of anti-trust was starting to crumble. That said, forgiving and forgetting are two very different things. I could feel the genuine sincerity behind his words and forgiveness crept in. I told him about Igor and he claimed that he had never seen my face or eyes light up the way they do when I talk about him. He could tell how truly in love I was and apologized that he couldn’t be that person for me. He was thrilled for me because I deserved better and that until he was in a good place with himself, that he couldn’t be that person for anyone; he knew he had a lot of work to do.

Saying goodbye to Chris was easier than expected. We hugged and went our separate ways. I called Igor as soon as I got into my car and started bawling… Ha, I can only imagine what must have been going through his mind at that second seeing as he had just gotten a ring for me days prior. The tears I shed were relief, forgiveness, happiness, hopefulness, and so much more. I was relieved that the weight of all this negative energy was lifted off my shoulders, I was able to forgive and kickstart my healing to truly move on and leave it all in the past, and for that -I was happy-! Most of all, I was hopeful for my future with Igor. Meeting up with Christopher was exactly what I didn’t realize I truly needed. I was at peace; and within just a few short hours:

I was also engaged!!

{I wanted to end this post with that very last sentence, but I felt it necessary to give an update: It took a couple more years but he finally did it! If I’m not mistaken, I believe he recently celebrated 9 years of continuous sobriety. He has since married and had children. Which, of course, is great but honestly? I care more about the fact that he went on to achieve his bachelors degree and then even his masters! He was able to attain his ultimate dream of becoming a professional sports reporter and is currently a director of public relations and broadcasting! I could not be prouder or happier for him and his success!! You know the whole “once you love someone you always will” thing I keep mentioning? It’s true, I do love Christopher; but something  I have come to realize as the years have passed and with the help of therapy, is that after Asshole, I went for safety. Chris had always been special to me, [a true friend], even though he always wanted more for us. I never could love him the way that he wanted/needed, the way that I had loved Kevin or my husband. Maybe deep down he always knew that. While this is speculation, I believe that what transpired could very well have been his own subconscious way of protecting the both of us. It sucked and hurt so much at the time, but looking back, I wasn’t being fair to him to begin with. Maybe that’s why saying goodbye to him was easier than I had expected. Subconsciously I knew that I loved him fiercely, but only ever at arms length as a true friend.}

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11. Childhood Friendships +

‘Childhood friendship is the most beautiful memory that can never be replaced.’ – Unknown

Lauren; my sissy-poo, has already been discussed a bit back in post [02. Dad] – but after 6th grade she moved about 35/40 minutes away for her mom’s new job. You always grow apart when people move, however we’re ~family~. We may not have seen each other often but we remained very close. Anytime we did get together it was like no time had ever passed, we never skipped a beat. Update: she’s still very much a part of my life (30 years this year!) and prior to Covid we tried to get together monthly with our moms. She made me an Auntie and it’s the best feeling knowing that our kids are going to grow up together. Even if mine are older, lol.

I’ve mentioned my tiny but mighty, strong willed friend Jessie [06. High school] but I haven’t really discussed her. Jessie has a twin sister, Jenna, so it’s ironic that while I was friends with both of them, Jessie and I were closer. They were a year younger and lived across the street from Lauren. Small world moment, when their mom stopped working to have them, my dad was hired to replace her at his current job. We didn’t find that out until many years later. Also an ironic fun fact, my mom had a nanny, who then went on to work for my dad’s boss (before he was my dad’s boss) and then quit working for his boss to work for my parents (again, before he was my dad’s boss). Seriously crazy 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon we’ve got going on over here! Their mom was (is?) an alcoholic and they were very much victims to life with an addict parent. There were a few times throughout our friendship that their mom didn’t want them hanging out with me for no other reason other than her need to control. Which sucked because Jess and I were best friends. We were basically inseparable in middle school. By the time Jessie was in 11th grade, life at home was so bad that she actually moved in with my mom and I. That’s why she was with us that day seeing the principal. She was also with us because around that time, Jessie – your typical straight A/B+ student, decided she was done with high school bullshit and dropped out. Figured I was going for my GED. Why shouldn’t she? … Like I said, a victim of life with an addict parent. Update: I’ll always love her and wish her well, but unfortunately the friendship was just too toxic to maintain. She met my husband once after we were engaged, though I haven’t seen her since.

Closest friends by grade in high school:

9th grade: Annie, Teisha (the new girl in 8th grade [from 10. Twin Flame] and Tiffany. Teisha and Tiff both moved to other states for 10th grade and yet I have maintained friendships with them both. I was actually part of Teisha’s wedding and flew out to Seattle to witness Tiff’s. To this day Teisha and I joke about how we actually met because how can we not?

10th grade: Jennifer and Eric. These two went on to get married just after high school but unfortunately Eric was in a terrible hit and run accident that left him with severe brain damage. Their marriage may have ended but they are still very close and I commend Jenn’s current husband for not feeling threatened by their maintained friendship!

11th grade: Jami and Shannon. Shannon’s mother was my chorus teacher’s assistant teacher, whom I was very close to as well, and cousins with a coworker of mine at Claire’s. It was actually Shannon’s birthday the day I returned from the Mayo Clinic for the first time [06. High School/Diagnosis] and the day I had my first car accident. Oh, welcome home Jena and happy birthday to you Shannon. What a way to spend your 17th birthday. Ugh, sorry Shan!

Jami… my Jaymlinn. Jami had a difficult past to say the least and wasn’t the most well behaved teenager because of it. She was a sponsored skateboarder but her poor choices took that away from her. She was sent to live with her uncle and his husband in hopes of turning things around. That’s where I enter the picture. Jami and I met in Health Occupations class the first day of junior year. There was just this cosmic magnetic pull between us. I really cannot explain it, but she was meant to be in my life and I, her’s. She never took things too seriously and just wanted to have fun. She was an incredibly smart, kind, considerate girl. A short story writer, singer/songwriter and artist – but unless you really knew her, she just appeared as an aloof, slow, stoned – but not – stoned teenager. But I can assure you she was so much more. When we first became friends her uncles couldn’t get over the change in her. I apparently was such a good influence that they wanted me around all of the time, ha, ha. It must be the empathic healer in me. I didn’t know it because she stopped drinking when we were hanging out, but she was an alcoholic. And knowing her past I don’t blame her for trying to shut out the noise, I just wish she had the chance to in a healthier way!!

Somewhere along the way Jami fell in love with me. I had no idea and I can only imagine what it did to her when Kevin and I were good. One night at a party we were playing truth or dare. Her friend must have known or suspected her feelings towards me because he dared me to kiss her. No problem, kissing whore, remember? Jami certainly wasn’t the first girl I had kissed but I was apparently her’s. She struggled with her sexuality and that kiss just made things more confusing. For us both. In middle school there was one girl at the skatin’ rink from a different school whom I always joked around with and we called each other each other’s girlfriend. The boys went crazy over it, especially when we kissed [we never made out or anything, just a simple peck].<- Man, I really was bad… We never hung out or saw one another other than at the rink but everyone [knew] we were “girlfriends.” The joke kind of faded as highschool went on and the only time we ever talk now is via Facebook when we wish each other a ‘happy birthday’, seeing as we share the SAME birthday… and similar name, lol.

I had known I was interested in some way to both boys and girls for years, but I never really entertained the idea of actually dating a girl. In fact, it took me until my 30’s to be able to fully understand and define myself. I always said I was attracted to the person for who they are, which is true. I need to have a true emotional connection with someone to allow myself to be vulnerable or intimate with them. I’m simply unable to just look at someone off the street and desire them, but I never really thought anything of it. Then one day I read the words “Biromantic Demisexual”. Upon researching meanings I discovered exactly where I stand. I have always described myself as exactly how those two words together, is defined. Hi, I’m Jena and I am a biromantic demi woman.

I was very confused when I started to develop feelings for Jami, because, well.. Kevin. Even though Kev and I may have been “broken up” we were never [really] broken up. We still talked daily, hung out, hooked up and still shared “I love yous”. We didn’t have the label but we also didn’t try pursuing anything with anyone else. At this particular point in time I was technically single but I still felt as though I was cheating. However, I couldn’t stop myself from being close to her, kissing her. I felt as though I was this whole different person experiencing my first love. I was so confused I started to pull away and she started to slip. She started drinking again, hanging out with the wrong group of people and dropped out of school. Yup, I’m the asshole.

I certainly did love Jami; it was a type of love I’ve only ever experienced once and I know I won’t ever again. Update: we’ve been in touch here and there throughout the years but really only via Facebook or text messaging. As it turns out, she was actually diagnosed with Autism as an adult and looking back it makes a lot of sense. We did get together once to catch up for the first time in easily a decade, shortly after my youngest was born. It was nice to see her but she admitted her feelings came right back the instant she saw me annnnnd I exited stage right. I felt bad, I still do, but that’s not something I can take on. She’s a part of my past that I’ll smile upon when I think about, but in my current life we’ll only ever be a memory. I do check in from time to time because I genuinely do care for her wellbeing. [empathic healer, remember?] I wish her nothing but happiness and success, which seems to be working in her favor as she’s been 100% sober for some time now and is getting married later this year!

12th grade: Sheri. Sheri used to live 3 houses down and across the street until she moved to Florida in high school. I was so sick by this point that all of my ‘friends’ had [forgotten] me. Out of sight out of mind, ya know? Sheri and I had always been friends but it was when I was sick that we were our closest. My best and essentially only friend lived thousands of miles away, how sad is that? I owe so much to her; I don’t think she truly understands how special and important she was to me and how much I’ll always be grateful for her! I admit and apologize that I unknowingly took advantage of her friendship. She went above and beyond for me while I visited Florida twice for spring break, celebrating my 18th and 19th birthdays. But when it came to her visiting Michigan and trying to move back here, I wasn’t around. I promise it wasn’t intentional and looking back I feel terrible knowing that I more than likely let her down. I am not going to sit here and try to make excuses for why I was [selfish] because there’s no excuse for letting your best friend down. Period. I own it and will never stop apologizing. Update: She did move back to Michigan but we weren’t in contact much. She has since moved back to Florida with her husband and we’re friends on Facebook. She is working towards her Masters in Social Work and with her love and compassion, her clients will be beyond lucky being under her care! She was the best thing I could have asked for, better than I may have deserved; I will forever be eternally grateful for her love and support during the worst time of my life. I honestly may not have made it through without her!

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09. First Love


“if you will think back of your first love, you will for sure remember a lot of great LITTLE things that will bring so much happiness in you” – Naya River

As I mentioned briefly before, I fell into that 1% of patients who would end up needing a repeat surgery on my knees. Ironically, my physical therapist after my car accident (we’ll get to that…) also fell into that one percent and her birthday was the day after mine! This surgery took place during the summer before my junior year. I had already been having undiagnosed autonomic dysfunction for months but everything amplified to the max after that surgery. My body was in it’s own storm of chaos. 

It was weeks after this surgery that my high school sweetheart and I broke up. Again. No it wasn’t the first time and it wasn’t the last, but it was the beginning of the end. Mind you, he was with me during that surgery – waited with my parents – and was the first one I saw in recovery. He was more than just my boyfriend, he was truly my best friend and had been for years. He had been my rock and the one consistent thing in my life while everything else flipped upside down. The heartbreak from that breakup was beyond shattering. It felt as though I lost a part of my own soul. I was already broken, but it was then that I knew nothing would ever be the same. And it hasn’t.

I have to be honest and say that the thought of going into detail about this relationship makes me wanna throw up. It would be fair to say that my anxiety is off the charts. One, because of how much Kevin meant to me for so long, but also because I don’t want to hurt my husband. I might say/word some things in a way that he may not understand and I fear he might take them the wrong way. However, this is my truth; I will do my best to stay authentic while also respecting Igor’s feelings. I apologize now, babe, if you are hurt in any way!! Please know this was never my intention!

Fahhhh… 

First let me just preface this and thank C.M. Stunich for writing H.A.V.O.C.; it has allowed me to better understand and accept that you can absolutely still love your “first love” while also loving your husband. It may be fiction but it definitely rings true in my heart; and while the following is also fictional, I think what Helen tells Tyler in Sweet Magnolias about first loves, accurately and beautifully sums it up.
“You let them into your heart to whatever degree, that leaves a mark – forever. The people we love first, maybe even before we fully know what it means to be loved, they’re with us from that day forward… and even when you try not to, you measure every person who comes after them against them. So I try to be grateful for what that person taught me about the world and about myself. But not let remembering the first keep me from seeing the next as the… completely unique and utterly marvelous… person they may be.”
^ – I’ve >ALWAYS< said that once you love someone, you’ll always love them – just differently. 

Okay… Kev and I met in elementary school, living 8 houses down from one another. He was a year ahead of me and his brother was a year behind. I ended up becoming good friends with his brother first, strangely enough. I would even go as far to say that I considered him a best friend at one point. I think back to those days and just laugh. I don’t know how or why but the big baggy “MC Hammer” pants were definitely a thing, though being a late 80’s child when I saw Kevin in his baggy pants, all I saw was Aladdin. Ha, ha. Oh the innocence of an 8 year old.

By 6th grade, you know having already.. [blossomed],  I was definitely noticed and receiving attention. I went through so many “boyfriends” in middle school it’s actually humorous to think about. However, I only wanted the attention of one boy – and in 7th grade that wish came true. One day after getting off the bus I was handed a note. Trying to stay cool and hide my fluttering butterflies I waited until I was home to read it. [Notes kind of became our thing for the next 4-5 years and I still have a box of them at my mother’s because I just couldn’t part with them.] That first note expressed his feelings for me and I about died inside. The next few notes, after explaining my shared feelings, were about how much he wanted to make sure he got good grades on his report card so that he could prove that he was responsible enough to have a girlfriend while still taking school and extracurriculars seriously. Then, in November of 2000 I officially became Kevin’s first girlfriend. But you see, we still had to keep it hush as he didn’t want his friends giving him a hard time for dating a [7th grader.] <- Damn girl, where was your self respect? Then, after a few short months he ended things without giving any reason. His brother told me it was because he was embarrassed and didn’t like getting a hard time from his friends. Fk you middle school peer-pressure! But, the notes started up again because he was like a moth to a flame; he couldn’t stay away. At first it was just platonic but obviously that didn’t last. We got back together only for my heart to be ripped out mid summer. Again.

About a month later I was at the local bowling alley for what they called, “Rock’n Bowl”. It was this glow bowling thing they put on for younger teens/tweens. I was with my ever so pushy best friend and she insistently dared me to kiss this boy in the lane next to us, who had been flirting with me all night. I was too chicken shit but between Jessie and his friends, it happened. Kevin, who? Hi, meet Roth. Roth had actually just started working at the skatin’ rink that I just so happened to frequent. It didn’t take long until he asked me out and I accepted. He was the first boy to ever buy me flowers (a dozen red roses for Sweetest Day) just a few short weeks after we started dating. I really cared for Roth but I always kept him at arm’s length because deep down my heart was always Kevin’s. We were together for a little over 6 months and shared “I love yous”. Did I really love him? I don’t know. At the time I sure probably thought so but I also didn’t really understand love. So yes, I’d say I did love him for what I thought/knew love to be at the time. Like I said, I did really care for him and had feelings for him (that whole once you love someone, you always love them kind of thing) for a couple years after we broke up. It took some time but after a few months we were able to be friends again and he was actually my date to my first Homecoming dance, freshman year. He wanted to get back together but I wasn’t interested. I was over boys breaking my heart..

Oh did Kevin hate Roth and vice versa. After Roth and I broke up, Kev and I started “talking” again. Damn flame and lack of self respect. LOL. No, this time I wasn’t letting myself get close enough to allow him to hurt me again. But, he was my best friend and we talked all the time. He pined over me all of my freshman year and I probably took advantage of it. Maybe unconscious revenge? Idk. I’d flirt with him and Roth and whoever else, really. Heck, on the 3rd day of school in 9th grade I made out with a guy named Christopher on the bus. Never met him before that day and our relationship was over before it began. He too pined over me and I probably took advantage of that as well. My mother really cared for Chris even though we were only friends at the time. Those 3 boys wanted my attention and fought each other for it. Not physically but definitely verbally trying to assert their claim for Alpha. Unfortunately for them, my attention lied elsewhere.

I had caught the eye of someone… a bit older; let’s call him Beau. See what I did there? Cheesy puns for days. It’s alright not to laugh, I’m ok with being my only fan. 😉 Alright, moving on, Beau was a manager at the rink and I had known him for a few years as an acquaintance. His sister kind of took me under her wing as a big sister/little sister when Lauren and I were up at the rink all the time in elementary school for her brother’s hockey practice/games. It was actually Beau’s younger brother that I crushed on haaarrd at first, but as did everyone else. The kid was very attractive! Being 5 ½ years older, Beau didn’t initiate anything at first, buuut I made it difficult for him not to. My bad. 

Uh, WAIT! – Yes technically I was ‘jailbait’ but I can honestly (without crossing my fingers) say that nothing R-rated happened between us until I was 17, just a few weeks shy of 18, nearly 4 years after we first started “talking.” We were basically just casually dating whenever I wasn’t in a relationship {aka whenever Kevin and I were on a break} for the next 4 years. He genuinely looked out for me and definitely let me know when he felt I was making wrong choices, almost like an older brother? at times. Except I fell in love at one point. Stupid girl!! No, I know that Beau loved me back but everything was just so complicated given the age difference and the different dynamics of our relationship that we never actually gave our relationship a fair chance. Plus, after we first kissed I realized how much of a mistake it was after my honesty left more heartache in its wake. 

You see, Kevin and I were hanging out a lot more at the end of my 9th grade year and that summer before 10th. We even officially shared our first kiss that summer. <3 First loves, man, let me tell ya! I remember that first kiss, as well as the first kiss once we were officially back together… and because I remember everything I even actually remember our last. Weird. Anywho – that summer was also the summer that Beau and I shared our first kiss. The mistake that led to heartache. 

I thought I was doing the right thing by being honest and telling Kevin what had happened. Apparently not because he was so hurt and angry that he wouldn’t talk to me for like 2 months. To go from talking literally every day to nothing, I was lost. Hurt. Confused. Angry. Heartbroken. Even though I was utterly head-over-heels in love with Kevin, I was more hurt over not having my best friend. Over knowing that I hurt him, while adding one more guy for him to hate. Though, once again, I received a note asking to talk after school. That talk happened on my front porch and ended with us officially getting back together. [That second ‘first kiss’ happened right then and there.] 

Ohhhhh the feels. As I type this I can literally feel what I felt during all of this. My chest is tight, my tummy is fluttering, I can barely catch my breath. Yeah, being an Empath is hard, I don’t recommend it!

We’ll come back to Kevin later… ::Pushes feelings away::