20. Soul Recognition

“‘Soulmate’ is an overused term, but a true soul connection is very rare and very real.” – Hilary Duff

Back when I first contemplated publishing this blog, I was sitting there one day and was instantly flooded with all these memories from the past. Which makes sense, given that I am sharing my past. But one particular person stood out. The crazy thing is, I hadn’t spoken to this individual in quite some time, which is ironic given we used to talk every single day for years!  For some reason that day I had an overwhelming sense of needing to reach out, say hello and wish them well. I have no idea what was going on in their life at that time but intuition led me there and I listened. 

It’s easily been 5 months since I said something on Facebook, and after doing so the thoughts and memories faded as I dug in full force; pumping out post after post. There was no follow up and as strange as it sounds- it’s almost as if saying something to them released their part of my story, as I haven’t included them yet in my writing. Which again, is incredibly weird as they were such an important person in my life for so, so long! Out of sight, out of mind? No, that can’t be right because they do cross my mind, we have years of memories! 

They fall under the [11. Childhood Friendships+] category, but for some reason I only included Lauren, Jessie and then HS friends, since Marion had her own post with [10. Twin Flame]. The first time I really spoke of any guys in my life was when I talked about Kevin being my best friend in [09. First Love]; but there is {absolutely} someone else who held that title first! Someone who was there for me through all the ups and downs, the heartbreaks of both relationships and friendships. Someone I loved and cared for so deeply that I refused to let >feelings< get in the way and -ruin- everything. I mean, they were practically family! Hell, he even went to my dance recital in 7th grade!

While Kevin may have [physically] been the “boy next door”, Will(y) was the true definition in terms of one repressing their own feelings, while also knowing how the other truly felt about them, until it was too late. 

I have to admit that it is strange to call Will, “Will” and not Willy. When I think back to the little boy that I went to daycare -and- preschool with, it’s Willy! We had that young childhood friendship where the adults always joked about us getting married one day, even though it was his cousin who I remember kissing in preschool, haha! <- seriously, I was terrible! ::hidesInshame:: I cannot believe how freely I kissed people growing up; especially when feelings weren’t involved!! ::ShakesHeadAfterFaceMeetsPalm::again:: Once we were off to elementary school our friendship kind of just ended, which… is really sad if you think about it! 

Every relationship we get into is some kind of soul connection. People have this notion that a [soulmate] is your “one and only” but in actuality, a soulmate is anyone you feel a deep, safe connection with!! It can be a family member, a best friend, a stranger off the street. For those who believe in past lives or even just that our souls are more than what’s in our physical beings; it could be that when you feel that intense connection, you recognize them from >another time<. Kind of like how I explained Kelly, [Friendships Pt. 2] she’s an extension of myself; a soulmate on a whole different plane of friendship. 

This past week I have come to realize that I hadn’t discussed Will yet, because the timing wasn’t right! I left that comment for him months ago, but it wasn’t until this past week that he actually saw it and reached out. When he did, that instant feeling of comfort washed over me. A giddiness of feelings of joy; like when you find something you thought was lost forever because you’ve searched high and low for it, only to discover it months later somewhere you’d never expect!  This past week I have felt this deep rooted {wholeness}, and recognize Will(y) as part of my soul’s circle, if you will. He was always meant to be in my life and it’s even more evident now, looking back at all of the times we’ve reconnected. 

We lost touch when we were 5, so how did he come back into my life? Well, it involves more synchronicity, of course. In ‘99, a 2.5 million dollar anonymous donation was made for 5th graders across the [entire] Plymouth-Canton, Van Buren and Taylor school districts, to attend Space Camp for a week!!  Some schools went to Florida, others Alabama or California, like myself and Will. One of the first days there, in a little off-white hallway, standing across from one another, we each had a sense of familiarity anytime we looked at one another. It was Will who spoke up first and figured out that we actually did know one another. <- I’m not the only one with a crazy ability to remember… (al)most everything. I could be mistaken but I believe we were both waiting for medication, ooooor maybe it was to make a phone call? My mom was -extremely- ill at the time, like – almost died, so I spent a lot of time with the counselors as I spoke with family during the down times. Being from different schools we had different groups, but we did see each other often and spoke whenever we could. Just before leaving he had a friend deliver me a note, expressing his feelings and disdain for my “boyfriend” at the time, along with his number to stay in touch. Ha. Boyfriend. In 5th grade, for 6 months. My kid is going into 5th grade next year and either times have changed or he’s just so 2E [Twice Exceptional] that anything like that goes way above his head. I actually could see both being true considering the cards/notes my kindergartener brings home… ::shiftyeyes::

Annnyway. We stayed in touch and talked literally every day. I don’t know how much we saw each other that first summer but as luck would have it, we ended up at the same middle school together. We didn’t have many classes together but we passed notes often. We actually even had a notebook at one point that we’d pass back and forth. And knowing me, I likely still have it packed away in the plethora of “remember” boxes that I took from my Mom’s house before she moved. I know that he wanted more out of our friendship, but he also understood and respected the boundaries. We tried once for a very short time, but I suck and became a <heart/breaker3. Oh man did his sister hate me after that one. She didn’t like me much to begin with and I don’t think we saw common ground until we were older and hung out via Kelly. I just didn’t want to lose him and the connection we had. There was always just a deeper understanding of one another. Which >all< makes sense now that I believe our souls were connected before this lifetime. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can call me crazy or whatever but it’s what feels true within me. It’s just an unexplainable feeling of comfort, wholeness, an extension of oneself. I have no idea if he feels the same, but I’d like to think so.

The problem is, I felt like I had this… I don’t want to say “ownership” but maybe claim? over him. Him and Marion also dated briefly and it sort of gutted me. It wasn’t a feeling of jealousy in the sense that I wanted him for myself, but almost like my “evil twin” was out to get me. Which again, looking back at the concept of [10. Twin Flames] it would make total sense that he’d see things in her, that he did with me. And by NO means am I calling her my evil twin, nor do I believe she did anything out of spite or sinister, it just adds to the yin and yang of it all. I hated it and it was definitely a time that rocked the boat between her and I. In high school when Kev and I got back together on a more serious level, my friendship with Will became almost nonexistent, especially after he started dating this girl whom I really, really didn’t like! Rightfully so, however, she not only broke his heart, she stabbed him in the back with the same knife she used to break it. I don’t wanna be one to hold a grudge but I still get steam coming out of my ears when I think about her. {Ha, so a real quick -six degrees of Kevin Bacon- moment, she ended up dating that guy my mom tried to hook me up with before I met Igor [14. Forever & Always] and it didn’t end well for her. Karma?}

I honestly don’t know how it happened or why it stopped just as quickly as it started – but we reconnected shortly after high school and hung out a few times. I’ll have to see if he remembers more about that time. Anyway,  I remember I went bowling with him and his friends (most of whom I hadn’t seen since middle school) and he went to dinner with Mom, [08.Auntie] and I. Auntie always loved him but she had a hard time accepting the new “grown up” -metal-head- version of him. I can’t help but look back and smile thinking about when she asked him, “why?” when she saw his appearance and went on about how he “used to be so cute, why’d he do that to himself?” Ha. They say [out of the mouths of babes (young kids)] but sometimes it’s also [out of the mouths of seniors] – older generations have zero filter with zero fks given!

Outside of the random text/update within either the group chat with my parents, or another group text with my cousin Sara and Jenna [Friendships pt. 2], I -don’t- talk to anyone outside of my household on a daily basis! I used to be much more social but as I’ve gotten older, between motherhood and the pandemic, I have become more of an [absent] friend than ever… I know that my true friends/family understand and I love them more than I could ever possibly express, but I do still feel bad. Friendship is a two-way street, so I am forever grateful for those who accept my absence because they >know< that nothing is wrong, “life happens” and that I am just a phone call or text away, shall they need to talk! That said, we have been texting a little each day and it’s been a great reminder of the friendship we once had! Obviously I don’t expect it to stay an ‘everyday’ thing but it’s fun catching up after 15-16 years!

He doesn’t live in Michigan anymore but is looking to visit this summer. He said I should hold him accountable to make sure we meet up, he’d be sad if we didn’t. Of course, that was {after} I said, “I’d be disappointed, sad and down right pissed if he came to town and we didn’t see each other!” Haha. I know my mom would love to see him; with her infamous need to give everyone a nickname, she picked, “Wanka” for him, naturally. ::shakeshead:: However, I’m actually -really- excited to introduce him to Igor and the boys!! Will and Igor both like to discuss deeper meaning, understanding and theories of things, yet rarely get the chance to with anyone else who’s open minded/can see things from different points of views, without getting offended. They’re both quiet and shy yet I have a feeling this discussion will have them both talking freely and it’ll be great for the both of them!! It’s been over 30 years since we first became friends and I really am grateful for whatever sent me to reach out to him! Thank you Willy for still being you! ::hugs::