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Expedition Complete.

“It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me”
– Taylor Swift

Fauq… I’m lying here in bed unable to sleep, tears in my eyes and just a sense of, well, nothing. Granted yes, my serotonin levels are low and maybe this has become my new thing, blogging when my hormones get the best of me? I’m not sure what’s better, that or cutting my own hair? They both seem to happen that way. 

See, I just read my last entry and it made me tear up, but again, there’s nothing. Numbing almost. It has recently been brought to my attention, via an intervention of sorts, that I have been living in a state of avoidance and unintentionally inducing solitude and isolation. Yes, work has been crazy busy but not any busier than say, March, when I was working full time. I’m averaging 5-6 hour days 4 days a week and a few added hours every other weekend. But, because my hours are flexible, if I take time during the day to do something other than work, I still have to put in the time to get my stuff done. Thus, making it seem as though I really am working ALL. OF. THE. TIME! 

Then by the time I am done working I am exhausted; the kids being home on summer break while I’m working has been an event in and of itself. Not to mention my husband having his own crisis within his own mind and him just up and leaving for hours to play pickleball.

I want to blame my Cancer rising and Sagittarius moon for allowing me to put a wall up, to hide within my shell and ignore the world around me. And I could, but I still have to remember that there is light and shadow with everything and this reaction of hiding via my Moon & Ascendant is just a story I’m telling myself. Oh, yeah, I forgot to share: I’m now -officially- a >certified< astrologer and personal development coach, with an emphasis in positive psychology! ::bows::

So there’s that…

Anyway, so this hiding bit. I’m really not sure when it started but I’m pretty sure I know the trigger now that I have actually taken the time to look back. Mid May I went out to Connecticut for a work seminar of sorts and it was INCREDIBLE! It was also great to -finally- meet my bosses/coworkers for the first time, after working for TSE for 8 months and being a community member for 14! But, I messed up. Absent-mindedly, in the moment, I gave my cell number to a community member to text me something non-work related. Which, okay, that’s fine. However, 2 other community members saved my number and were talking about it with the big boss lady. I stepped over the workplace/personal boundary and it stirred up feelings of prior team members crossing said boundary in a negative way. I never meant harm but that was huge. Then I got back to Mi and was attacked with a 5mm kidney stone causing hydronephrosis (a fancy word for fluid retention in my kidney). It sucked! It came out of nowhere and I was needed for something for work, but I couldn’t do it because I was debating going to the ER. I had already taken a muscle relaxer and valium but it wasn’t cutting it. I never expected it to be a kidney stone as it presented itself [completely] different than any other stone I’ve had! I truly thought it was either my appendix or my ovary. 

It was a huge event week for us and there were some scheduling misunderstandings that made it appear like I wasn’t going to be working during important times, but I was!!! I take my job extremely seriously but with that recent mishap over trust and crossing the boundary, and the scheduling misunderstandings, and some stupid little mistakes I had been making while trying to learn/take over some things – it all piled up during a difficult time. 

After I ended up going to the ER I was told to take the week, heal and we’d circle back the next week. I knew something was wrong, especially after I reached out 3 times asking if I could show up for some things and was respectfully told to stand down. 

I.  Was. Gutted!! 

My job means everything to me and it was now on the line. That week was so incredibly difficult for me. Knowing just how busy this event was and the added stress my team was now under as a whole – made me sick. Not to mention how miserable the kidney stone made me, I had to miss Leighton’s choir concert, my dad & Igor’s birthday annnd plan, prepare, cross my fingers that I’d make it to Kellan’s FIRST real birthday party that weekend. If I had to miss it and let him down, with work being the way it was- I’m nauseous just thinking about it! OH, and it didn’t help that my in-laws were coming and would see my father for the first time since his diagnosis, which they knew nothing about. 

Ah yes, there’s the anxiety triggered tachycardia my heart knows all too well. ::takesdeepbreaths::

Two things I haven’t really discussed yet through my blog really. My in-laws and my father’s diagnosis. Now, my in-laws are a tricky subject because I need to tread lightly so as to not cross another boundary of speaking for my husband. I need to respect his feelings and not share more than what he’d want. But at the same time it is my blog, my truth and they are a big part of any issues that have been within my relationship, as you saw in [16.YearOne]. As for my dad, unfortunately he was diagnosed with a rare form of -Bulbar ALS- and it has been understandably difficult to witness. Now, I know he will be reading this and I don’t want to make him feel bad by any means, though it’s true, it is hard! Due to the nature of the relationship that I have with my daddy, I didn’t want my in-laws to find out because I knew how they would respond – or better, [lack thereof]. I knew that they would react in a way that would result in my being hurt and I didn’t want anything to do with it. So, we didn’t tell them and at the end of the birthday party, as they were leaving, they asked Igor what was “wrong”. He explained and they just said, >’oh’< and that was that. Never once have they mentioned it, asked anything about it, or even asked how he is doing since. I want to be respectful but it’s incredibly difficult to show respect for those who have zero respect for you and your family, their grandkids included. Maybe just saying this paints a picture for you without my needing to go into further details about them at this time? K.

Now that the vail has been broken and I am seeing what I had been avoiding, I’m drowning. It’s weird though, in the past when I have had a PMDD or depressive episode, I knew it. Without question, I knew when things weren’t right. Whatever it is that is going on now, I never realized it because I used a defense mechanism to completely wipe it all away. Breaking that wall down may have caused a flood but it’s absolutely still a struggle to consciously force myself to process things. And if I’m being totally honest, I’m not entirely sure how to. The only thing I can think of is to deliberately be time-intentional and make the effort to process, feel, heal. The only time therapy has worked for me was when I was working with a therapist who did basically what I do for a living, so I am unsure how a clinical therapist would help. Can’t forget to add on that I’m already in physical therapy 2-3x a week, see my doctor every 4-6 weeks, all the meds and supplements I take and don’t take but should take, it all adds up. I also know this is just a [money mindset problem] that can be altered but it’s difficult when again, your husband is battling his own money mindset battle and knowing that you’re taking away from something that he truly dreams of, isn’t an easy thing to face.

So, I work. 

I don’t believe that I have a work-life balance issue, but I can certainly see how some may think so just given the wall of isolation and avoidance. Plus, my job brings me >pure< joy!! So when it was on the line, hell yea I threw myself into it more, because if I wasn’t able to do the ONE thing where I ‘was’ [fully] confident in my capabilities, then what the actual fuck am I capable of doing? Hence why I didn’t recognize myself from the podcast. I was no longer confident and I needed to prove to my team, but especially myself, that I can do it! And I can. And I did! And then I stupidly pushed myself yesterday to try and get more done after I had walked away from work for the day, when I wasn’t in an ‘active work mindset,’ and made an oopsie. I am so mad at myself and was taken right back to May. Now, this oopsie wasn’t major but it certainly could have been and was super eye opening that when I’m done, I need to be done.

Annnnd now I see that maybe there is more of a balance offset than I truly believed. But again, it’s what makes me happy! Hell, no one can question my devotion after the fact I >turned down< -FREE- T.SWIFT Era tickets, due to the live intensive training for my life coach / personal development coaching certification!! I was literally SICK over it; I know I ultimately made the right choice but still cry and feel my heart is still broken a little bit. My love for Taylor is unmeasurable. I’ve been to 2 concerts and met her at one, I got lots of hugs and “I love yous” and it was one of the most incredible moments of my life, 13 years ago! 13!! HER number. I was 22 when I met her, MY number!!

…Okay, I’m getting sick again thinking about it. ::Pouts&TriesNotToCry::

Anyway, I’m not really sure where I was going with this entry when I first started writing it and therefore don’t really know if I spoke to everything I meant to as I finish it days later, but it’s an update! OH, and my boss’ book was just released, where I was interviewed and shared my story as one of the case studies for it; makes me kind of famous now, huh? Joking, kind of. It’s pretty cool though, nonetheless!!

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180°; still me.

“I recognize that a journey never ends, You think it’s over but the then it all starts again.” – Thomas Gold

So, I know that it has been forever and a day since I last wrote and/or made an entry, but today I felt inspired. Although, as I am sitting here I am drawing a blank for words. I see on my list of topics to discuss that I have my breastfeeding journey, postpartum, and PMDD still listed; though I am certain that I’ve written about the above in some capacity or another, at some point. But quite honestly, I just don’t have the desire to look back and see, so.. I won’t be citing other entries today.

Going down the path of rediscovery, finding The Sisters Enchanted – my life truly has taken a 180 in such a short amount of time. I knew that telling my story and being able to help others is what I am meant to be doing. That’s why I started this blog after all… I didn’t want anyone to have to feel alone. Then I came across a community that changed everything.

Don’t get me wrong, writing is still a passion of mine, just my time for it has dwindled. I haven’t made it a priority because that feeling of fulfillment that I always get from writing, I achieve almost everyday just doing my job! Not to mention, being >thee< customer service person and student support, I am writing every day while in communication with students and community members. I am able to share bits and pieces of my story, helping [right] in the moment.

I was recently a guest on our Expedition to Soul podcast at work, and it was that experience, plus a recent reading I had with a fellow community member that led me to this entry. If you’re interested in hearing my podcast episode you can do so [clicking here] or, if you’d prefer to watch the video version you can [click here]. Oh heck while I’m at it – if you’re interested in having a reading by one of our verified coaches/readers, Sharon Blue of Blue Empress Tarot is your girl!

When I watch my podcast episode I am flooded with a mix of emotions, as I not only -see- who I am today – I also don’t know that I truly recognize her, either. Yes, I am without question not the same person that I was a year ago, but if I’m being honest, I don’t know that I really am the same person with that same confidence that I was last August when I asked for a job and got it. I had finally gotten my shit together, got a job and then boom. All of my progress, all of my plans – out the window. I replaced being sick and using it as a crutch to now putting everything into my job and not being able to get anything else done. 

Now, yes, I have to remember that I did finally end up catching Covid before Christmas and yes, it was my greatest fear that it would cause a major setback and flair up… which, I thank my lucky stars that science is a thing and that I had had 4 vaccine doses by then, so my outcome didn’t turn out even worse! But… I did in fact have a flair up and it set me back. Not only did it set me back physically, but mentally as well. See, while sick with Covid I missed quite a few of my normal doses of medication, resulting in another PMDD spiral. NOT AS bad as 2020, but it wasn’t good. I knew the cause, I knew that it was because my meds were unregulated and I held hope that in 1-2 months things would be good again. Things did clear up some but it’s taking longer than I’d like. Without fail, each month when my progesterone rises, my serotonin plummets. <- Right now as I write this, it is one of those times. I also can’t forget that I am anemic and I suck at remembering to take my iron. Exhaustion doesn’t even begin to describe my inability to stay awake at different times throughout the month. Plus allergy season? Lets not forget that after a good solid 9+ months I was [not] full on passing out… then Covid happened. And the loss of remaining consciousness started up again. That confidence of getting out of the house and doing things by myself knowing that I was safe, is no longer there because I know that I’m not. The anxiety is slowly creeping back, anchoring itself, reminding me of the past yet again. BUT I have a job! I AM able to work! But that’s about it. The fear of letting my team down is there, beneath my belief in my ability to do the job. It’s  the ugly shadow that I have to continuously face time and time again.

But under it alI; I [know]… > I AM CAPABLE! <

Now, some more real talk… Breastfeeding is hands down one of the most rewarding, yet most challenging aspects during the first stages of motherhood. There is so much pressure and stigma involved, calling it an emotional roller coaster doesn’t do it justice. In fact, I can honestly say that I have never sacrificed so much of myself, more than I did for my Littles during our nursing journeys! I gave up my medication, sacrificing my own health and fought daily for their benefit. From the inability to latch due to premature birth and exclusively pumping for months, to dietary restrictions, lack of sleep, and even extending past the first year- not to mention it’s no secret the hardships we faced when it came to food/eating with the both of them. Simply put, breastfeeding is hard; one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Sure, as time went on and we got into routine it got easier, but still hard AF nonetheless! But you know what? I have zero regrets! It gave me purpose; I am eternally grateful that I was able to do that and provide them both with the nutrients they needed for as long as they did, which just so happened to be 15.5 months for L and 26.5 months for K! However, there’s one thing that needs to be discussed, because unfortunately, before it happened to me, I wasn’t aware it was a thing… post nursing blues, anxiety and depression. As real as postpartum depression is, ending nursing blues is just as real and hard. Oh my goodness is it awful! I experienced it with both, and much, much worse this second time around. Weaning Kellan took almost 4 months and it was my own personal hell. If you or someone you know may be experiencing it, your/their feelings are valid, and they’re real!  A mother’s love is like no other, our strength has no limits! 

I had been holding onto old frozen breastmilk with dreams of having a ring/pendant made of mixed milk from my breastfeeding journeys. I, being the procrastinator that I am, haven’t done a thing with it and Kellan will be 7 next month. Our basement freezer stopped working and I could only “save” so much. Instead of feeling heartbroken I decided to have a milk bath last week, releasing any and all trauma I’ve been carrying from my pregnancies, their births, postpartum, etc. With some visualization meditation, I used my milk as a reminder of how incredible the female body is through all of its stages, and to remember that things happen how they’re supposed to happen. I am in a different stage of life and in a way, this was like closing a chapter and rebirthing another.

This was the release I needed to see that I am that person in the podcast. I just need to remember that situations change and I have to adapt without expectations, so as to not feel as though I have failed or regressed. Life is a constant journey with lessons; changes are inevitable, but also necessary. It all goes back to Expedition to Soul where I assembled my allies: I am all versions of myself, past – present – & future – at all times. All versions of who I am/was/will be, make up all of me.

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23. Poor, Poor Choices.

“I wouldn’t change a thing about what I’ve done in the past because what may have been bad choices have all led me to this moment.” – Minnie Driver.

Uhh… Sooo, since I realized that I missed talking about some friendships and mentioned previous >poor choices< in [22. Jobs of The Past], I figure why not rip the bandaid off now… My parents and I are -very- close. Like, I’m pretty sure they haven’t read anything in my blog thus far, that they didn’t already know – to an extent. I think? There may or may not be some things in the post that they are hearing for the first time. Maybe. And I don’t know why it makes me anxious, I’m a grown woman; not to mention who doesn’t make poor choices when they’re younger? Hell, I just learned a few months ago that my mom has used harder drugs in the past – which I had NO clue! It actually kind of blew my mind. Just like it kind of blew her’s, that neither Igor or I have ever had anything marajuana related. I’m not opposed, I just haven’t felt the desire to do so. However, I may look into it at some point for health reasons, but until then – alcohol has only ever been the bad influence, at times.

Here we go… I was 12 the first time I ever tasted alcohol. I was at a birthday party and there was a giant thing of Jack Daniels, just out like it was no big deal. And by giant, I mean half a keg size, specialty bottle, with a spout. Oh peer pressure. I know my kids are going to mess up and we talk to them regularly about peer pressure. It’s inevitable, everyone gives into something, at least once. I’m not naive. I just hope they’re able to retain the knowledge that when they do mess up, to [call us]! I don’t care what time it is, I don’t care what they’ve done, I just want them safe, and that calling us is -always- the right thing to do!! Everything else can be addressed later, my priority is their safety. I may be disappointed in their actions but their strength to admit it and ask for help, will overshadow any anger in the moment!! As of right now, I really don’t think I’ll have anything to worry about with L, it’s K I’m more concerned about. But, only time will tell – I will just continue to hope that lines of communication stay open.

That night my dad was picking me up from the party and I was >Terrrrrrifed< that he’d smell it; especially being in recovery – but nothing was said if he did! SORRY DADDY!! ::hidesinshame:: After that, I had a few sips or a drink here and there once I was in High School, but never really got “drunk” until I was 17. I have to admit that 17 was my [party] year, though I’d never really call myself a ‘partier’. However, it was definitely the age that I drank the most irresponsibly, putting myself in situations that thankfully didn’t turn out worse! It was the first (of 3.5) time/s that I drank so much I blacked out. <- the other 2.5 times were my 18th birthday, the last night of my honeymoon, and the .5 would have to be 2 summers ago when my cousin mixed me a drink while camping; and I busted/broke the tip of my finger. I consider that a .5 because I do remember most of the evening, before/after busting my finger – but from the first sip to that is a little hazy, and it was only maybe a half hour. That drink was -dangerous-! For such a tiny woman, she can make a mighty drink! ::NoteToSelf::MakeSureToEatWhenSaraIsBartending::

Not that it’s an >excuse<, because there aren’t any – but I need to note that 17 was the year that things were the most on/off/rocky/back&forth between Kevin and I [09.First Love], things were confusing as hell with Jami [11.Childhood Friendships+], it was the same year Asshole was in my life [13.Survivor], the event between Jack and I that caused me to move in with my dad and Brian [03.Mom], annnnd it was the year I became homebound because I wasn’t healthy enough to attend school regularly[06.HS/Diagnosis]. Soo, I can’t really blame 17 year old Jena for trying to numb all the bullshit going on in her life, attempting to hold onto the scraps of teenage-angst, ‘normalcy’ they speak of. ::shrugsshoulders::

NYE when I was 17 was full of poor choices, but I justify that I made the right choice in the end, even if it wasn’t the smartest choice, it was definitely the safest! So there’s that. I was attending a house party with Jennifer [11.Childhood Friendships+] and drank an entire bottle of Hypnotic by myself. ::barf!:: I didn’t actually get sick but just the thought of it makes me sick, now! I remember going into a room with a guy I had only just met, and exited with the [worst] hickey I’ve ever had. I am >realllllly< fortunate that Kevin called to wish me a Happy New Year, as it was his call that stopped me from making what would have likely been a very regrettable decision!! ::shifyeyes&blushing:: He was on his way back to MI from a basketball tournament in TN, and was bored on the bus. He was going to be in town that next day and wanted to get together. Oh flutter, it’s a blessing and a curse how memories can cause physical reactions, almost 2 decades later!! It was also talking to Kevin that allowed me to sober up enough to make another questionable choice, but I firmly believe it was the safest!

Remember Beau? [09.First love&22.Jobs of the past] Yeah, I called him to come pick me up. I’m not quite sure why he wasn’t doing anything, but he was sober (since he never really drank) and didn’t think twice about getting me out of the situation I was in. I was supposed to be spending the night at Jennifer’s, so imagine my mother’s surprise the next morning when I came home early, as Beau had to get to work. Ohhh, maybe that’s why he was home?! Annnnyway, I knew that I could trust him. I knew that I had made a mistake and I knew that Beau wouldn’t be happy about it, but he jumped to my rescue. <- See, not only did he not really drink, he also didn’t entertain the idea of hanging around people who did. Which is ironic in the depths of foreshadowing… I know that our relationship was innocently-inappropriate at best, but he really did have my best interest at heart. There is definitely a lot of gray area around the line of [right & wrong], when it came to our relationship. However, as scary as it was, I was honest and upfront with my mother about what had happened the night before, and in that moment, she was grateful for Beau and his “older brother-type” role, that she was beginning to believe that we had. As deceitful as that may have been, I think his caring for me that NYE is what allowed her to drop her guard a little and allow me to see him more regularly, without having to hide it.

That brings us to my 18th birthday, just a few short months later… Oy. So I flew down to Tampa to spend spring break with Sheri. [11.Childhood Friendships+] I was met at baggage claim with her and her best friend Alex. They had a birthday gift for me and said that I had to stop in the bathroom and change before we went out. Little did I know, they had bought me the most revealing dress I think that I have ever worn- let alone owned! I mean, to be fair, with my chest, it wasn’t too hard to keep anything from being revealing.. But still! I was so uncomfortable but looked at it a few different ways. 1) It was my 18th birthday. On spring break. In Florida. Everyone was going to be dressed the same way at the clubs. 2) No one besides Sheri knew me, I was able to be someone, anyone, other than the bedridden teen that I had been, not much long prior. 3) It wouldn’t matter by the end of the night because I’d likely be too drunk to remember. <- which is correct, I was. I blame Alex! Haha. Alex had decided that because I was now an “adult”, and it was my actual birthday, I was to be treated ‘like the [queen] that I was’ and have Godiva Chocolate martinis!

From what I do remember, we had a great evening! From what I don’t remember, resulted in Beau giving me the silent treatment for the next 4 months! I know that an email was written about said silent treatment so I just went back and read it. Holy shit – that was heavy! And I have to say, I’m genuinely surprised and SHOCKED at some of the things I read, ha ha. Like, a major topic in it, I have completely erased from my memory. Even reading it, I don’t remember it… ::mindblown:: In the email it says that I explained everything to my mother about what had been going on and that it was her who suggested I write him the letter. Again, -no- clue. Apparently Beau and I hadn’t been in the greatest of places for a few months. I was deliberately acting out and doing things that I knew he wouldn’t approve of. I felt that if he hated me, it would be easier than him hurting me. And by hurting me, I mean breaking my heart. Sounds like a typical teenage reaction, no? 

__ Dang, I think I just realized some shadow work that I need to work on__
Why is it that as a grown adult, with children of my own, that I feel uncomfortable sharing these things? I know that it’s my truth. I know that it’s my past. I know that those who are in my life now don’t care about who I was or what I’ve done. They love and support all parts of me. Yet, I feel like I’m a little girl, afraid of getting in trouble; or having someone think bad about my choices from the past. What? This isn’t me…

::Breathe:: Okay, so, according to my letter to him, we had recently faced a pregnancy scare. ::turnsred&hides:: During that time, he had recently started seeing someone more regularly. Oh, and here’s the irony that was foreshadowed – she was slightly older than him… and an alcoholic. She was not in recovery and it had ruined her marriage. <- Uhm? How? WHy? She is not someone he would have everrr entertained the idea of hanging out with, let alone dating!?! I was beside myself for obvious reasons, but maybe it was his way of backing away and not intentionally but intentionally hurting me? I honestly have NO idea what his motives were at that point in time. Though, I now see and understand why I felt it was better for him to hate me than hurt me. Oh foolish child, you deserved so much better! So, what led to the silent treatment you ask? A drunk dial. I supposedly, drunkenly called Beau and apparently had quite a few things to say in regards to who he was dating and what had been going on; I honestly to this day have [NO] idea what exactly was said – all I know is that I really, really, reeeeally hurt him. And it wasn’t just the phone call. I may or may not have made my profile picture on Myspace, a photo of me kissing “some random guy” – when he made me promise him I wouldn’t hook up with anyone. <- Which, to be fair, I didn’t! It was an innocent kiss, all in good fun, especially because the guy wasn’t really random at all. Turned out the guy was Kevin’s oldest brother’s childhood best friend, whom I had met a time or two over the years. Ope.

To discuss a poor choice I made in Canada when I was 19, I need to discuss the past. I had a friend whose mother is… let’s call it ‘a little rough’. I do not like to judge others but her children definitely had a rocky upbringing. Her name was Pagie and we were friends in and out of each other’s lives, a few different times. Her mother being in a lower income situation, she moved around a lot. We were really good friends in preschool/early elementary school, but she left for a few years, before returning for the last trimester of 5th grade. Just in time for her 11th birthday. Which is -very- ironic because it was her 19th birthday that we spent in Canada together.

I remember when her sister and my brother were in 5th grade together, and hearing that her sister was spending the night at a friend’s house on a school night. I couldn’t believe it! Fast forward, Paige was the first person I had a sleepover with on a school night, in 5th grade. Haha. Synchronicity my friends, back in action. It was at Paige’s birthday party that I had my first ‘french kiss’, during a game of spin the bottle… with Paige’s older brother. Rocky was 2 years older than us and suuuper good looking. Like, [ALL] the girls fawned over him. There was another friend at the party who was head over heels for him; oh the attitude I received from her, lasted months! He was also a ‘bad boy’ so of course that didn’t make things easier. Girls always fall for the bad boy, right? So besides playing spin the bottle at 11, having my first “real” kiss <- though was it technically a first kiss when I had already had my first kiss? No, calling it the first real kiss just doesn’t sit right. Anyway, you get the point. Why was this such a >poor choice<? I… had a boyfriend. And yes, a boyfriend in 5th grade sounds beyond ridiculous right now, but at the time, it was a big deal. Especially because we “dated” for 6 months. The thought is even more ridiculous as my oldest is in 5th grade, and a relationship is SO FAR off his radar!! We recently told him that we suspected a girl had a crush on him and he was not happy, haha. I didn’t want to kiss Rocky, but peer pressure once again got the best of me. Annnnd knowing that I was going to kiss a guy that everyone wanted, who was older no less… ::IshakeMyheadAtThee:: 

I should blame Paige, especially after I tell you about Canada. HA! So Middle school came and Paige moved again. It wasn’t until I was 18 and working at Claire’s [22.Jobs of the past] that we connected again. We instantly recognized one another, her mother remembered me after Paige explained who I was, and after that we were rather inseparable for the next year or so. Basically if I wasn’t with Kelly [Friendships pt. 2] I was with Paige. See, the whole reason Paige and I were friends when we were younger, was because of Auntie. [08.Auntie] She used to go to the beauty school for cheaper nails and perms (actually, getting our nails done together was something we did every 2-4 weeks! I have no idea when it started but I was youuuung.)

–side tangent– Igor called me the other day from Somerset Mall, somewhere neither of us had ever been; as it’s a really high end mall. Synchronicity again… I always knew about Sumerset from the stories I’d hear at the beauty school! And more synchronicity? I didn’t start this entry today and I never know the full direction that I’m going to go. That said, tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary of Auntie’s passing [11/21/22], and I know wholeheartedly that she is with me and why all of this came to mind. –tangent over–

Anyway, Paige’s mom was a student-turned-employee that Auntie really liked, and loved the idea of Paige and I being friends. I have no idea if Auntie knew the roughness of her lifestyle, but she somehow looked past it if so. Honestly though, I would like to say that’s the case, but the truth is she was rather judgemental sooo… I think she was naive to the truth.

Now that brings us to Canada. We were there for Paige’s 19th birthday and spent the weekend in Windsor. I know that Paige’s other friend Jessica met up with us, but I don’t remember if she was there the whole weekend or not – and Paige’s mother was. The first night we met this group of guys from Chicago. They were in their early twenties and claimed that they were there for a bachelor party; though were cagey on who the bachelor actually was. There were 3 guys at the club and supposedly 2 back at the hotel. We ended up hanging out with these guys all night. At one point they wanted to check on their buddies and have them come out with all of us. Foolishly, Paige and I went with them. I would like to say I’m surprised that her mom encouraged it, but I can’t be if I really think about it. I honestly cannot believe the “it won’t happen to me” mindframe we had. THANKfully [nothing] did happen, but seriously?! De.u.em.bee. When we got to their room we initially stayed in the hall while one of the guys went in. Sure enough there were 2 guys passed out drunk from an over indulgence of day drinking at the casino. Turns out >he< was the bachelor. Little did we know at the time, but 3 out of the 5 were. Three! And only one of the two back at the hotel were. If my math serves me right, that means we spent the evening hanging out, drinking, dancing, and flirting with these guys, two of whom were getting married!! Ahhh makes me so angry thinking about it! While Paige was legitimately just hanging out as one of the guys, I really hit it off with this guy JJ. He even [asked] me if he could kiss me. Asked me?! For someone who wasn’t a novice to kissing ::yesthereISshameWithinme:: that was a first… He had this odd obsession with my tongue ring and kept saying, “oooh tongue ring” all exaggerated as if he had just had the best bite of dessert. <- ha. May be a bad comparison but it’s the only time I react that way. ::rollsoverlaughing:: Okay so long story short – the evening ended with us exchanging phone numbers. Which, cool, he wasn’t one of the bachelors, right? WRONG… I found out via Myspace that he got married the weekend [after] we met! ::breatheeee:: I hate men. Ever since that experience proved that bachelors will be bachelors, I’ve hated the idea of my significant other having and/or attending a night out celebrating! >Thankfully< I don’t have to worry as I picked myself a super-quiet-introvert, who’d never want to be in a situation that could upset me in that way! WHOOOO!!!

Annnnnd last and hopefully last… the last night of our honeymoon. I was given multiple shots of chilled high end tequila. And by multiple I mean, I can remember at least 3 double shots before even going to the club for karaoke. I remember the male bartender was in [disbelief]! Ha. But thennn a couple we had met earlier in the day happened to join us at the club. The guy was so far gone he kept ordering shots for the 4 of us and I ended up drinking his. Igor only ended up doing 2-3 I think, but at some point the high end chilled tequila ran out and we got switched to naaaaasssssty warm stuff. By this point I was at about 8 double shots in for the evening… I was g.r.e.a.t. Having the time of my life. <- Let it be known, I never really did shots prior, they always made me sick; but somehow this chilled stuff was like water that night! And then they told us they had ran out and brought us the cheap stuff. After literally -one- sip, I turned my head and the scene quickly resembled the Exorcist. ::turnsred:: ::greenrather:: No, seriously, it shot out of me and I just turned my head back like it was nothing. It was then I blacked out. I woke up to Igor holding me in the women’s bathroom, on the floor. I guess I had gone in there and after a while he got worried and came to check on me. No idea. I vaguely remember waking up on the floor and then phase in and out while someone from the resort was pushing me back to our room in a wheel chair… a night to remember, ish, I suppose?! Ha, ha.

Oh the shame! ::facemeetpalm:: No, you know what? I’m not that girl, but if it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t be where I am today! So eff the feelings of shame, guilt and regret!!

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22. Jobs of the past.


Let us realize that: the privilege to work is a gift, the power to work is a blessing, the love of work is success! – David O. McKay

WOW! Okay, so I have been EXTRA busy with work since my last post, but -omggggg- do I LOVE MY JOB!! Seriously, I couldn’t be happier working with the people that I do, helping the people that {we} do. I am SO passionate about what this company has done for me, that I am just thriving being a part of the team! I know that it has been a [huge] adjustment for my husband, as I am now busy at times I didn’t used to be… ie: mornings before school, dinner/bedtimes for the kids, Sundays. But you know what? It’s a temporary adjustment and then it’ll become the norm, to an extent…

See, I joined the team at an interesting time. It was a month before things got busy with our final two launches of the year. I had a lot of training hours and then bam, the biggest event of the year + 2 major course launches. It’s all hands on deck and my hours are ALL over the place. For now. BUT that’ll slow down and kind of regulate as things change for the new year. And as busy as I am, I FREAKING LOVE IT! There are 6 of us and while I know 2 of them are technically my bosses, it feels like I just talk to my best friends all day! 🙂

With all of that said, I thought that this was a good opportunity to talk about my previous work history. Also due to the nature of my job, I tend to use a lot of exclamation points… I foresee that crossing over into my blog. Just putting it out there.

I remember my very first job interview like it was yesterday! I found it a little weird as I was interviewing with a boy {you’ll understand in a minute} but I remember I was wearing a jean skirt, a pink and yellow striped, capped sleeve with a sweetheart neckline t-shirt, and my cowrie shell necklace, that was in the shape of a star. WOW!! I mean, I know that I’m writing a blog with memories that date back over 30 years, but to remember my exact outfit 18 years later? Daaaaang even I’m impressed with my memory. Ha ha. Anyway, the reason why I find it so odd that a guy was interviewing as well, is the fact that I was interviewing for the most girliest girl stores ever! I mean, I don’t know about you, but as a little girl, I LOVED and spent literal hours inside one store, just marveling over -all- of the things! Can you guess what store that may be, given those facts? Yup, that’s right – good ol’ Claire’s!!

I absolutely loved everything about working at Claire’s! The people, the music, the merchandise, the mall. At the time when I started, Kristina was Manager, Amy and Tracey the Assistant Managers, and Kayla (a carbon copy of Melissa Joan Hart!) as 3rd Key a.k.a. part-time assistant manager. Then there was Megan, Bailee, Jamie and I as the remaining associates. We were all the same age, though Megan was a grade a head of the rest of us.

Claire’s was an easy target for delinquents trying to get away with stolen goods, or so they thought! I was incredible at catching thieves and I have zero problem tooting my own horn over it. Though I have to say, we all made a great team. There is one instance that really stands out in my mind, because I had an unexpected surprise, on a day that I really wished I hadn’t. Ha, ha. See, remember back in [09. First Love] I discussed the heartbreak and drama that came between Kevin and I, because of Beau? Yeahhh… So Beau was moving to Ohio with our mutual friend, to get a fresh start while our friend went to school. It only lasted maybe 4 months but that’s besides the point. He wanted to say goodbye and I knew work was probably the safest bet. Had Kevin known I had made plans to see him, it would have caused a lot of issues and I wanted to avoid that. But let’s be honest, I wanted to see Beau and say goodbye just as much as he did. While I respected Kevin’s feelings, I still had to respect my own, and seeing someone in a public setting, such as a store in a mall, isn’t something one always has control over. Right? Right. Irony is, Kevin decided to show up and surprise me that day. ::ofcourse:: Nope, I certainly didn’t have control over seeing someone in a public setting, such as a store in a mall. <- Why do I feel anxious just thinking about it? Oh, memories. Anyway, that day I had walked right past Kevin, not even noticing him (which is -incredibly- difficult to do, given he was nearly 6’10”!) following two girls as they left the store. Not even three stores down they had stopped, started laughing and pulling their loot out of their pockets – just in time to see me standing there, with my hand out, asking them to follow me. It was such a rush of excitement, I felt like a badass; which is not me at all! Ha. As we were walking back Kev was just leaning there against the glass outside Claire’s. I was in total shock!! He laughed and said he wondered how long it was going to take me to see him. I went from the rush of catching shoplifters, to holy shit what if Beau shows up and Kevin sees him? Helllllllo anxiety. Kev ended up hanging around the mall until my shift was over, and I was both mad and disappointed. Disappointed that Kevin was there, and mad he hung around, causing me such anxiety and guilt over “getting caught” – even though I wasn’t doing anything wrong! Oh, and disappointed by the fact that Beau never showed up. Or so I thought… No, as it turns out Beau did in fact show up, but when he got there, he had seen my surprised reaction to Kevin being there and walked right past us as I was giving Kevin a kiss. Seriously?! Is my life a movie? It feels like it has to be, some things are just that unbelievable, even to myself! Man.

ANYway, for 6 months everything was going great, until a new district manager was hired and [dramaaa] began. I’ll never forget the night Kristina locked up the store, and then threw her keys back into the store, through the medal gate! She was -done-… That was how she quit. My manager. ::sideShiftyeyes:: Amy was moved up to interim Manager with hopes of making it perminate. Megan was then made a 3rd Key, and things were good for a while. But unfortunately, drama continued and one by one we all left the store. It really was a sad moment in my life, especially since Kevin and I weren’t in a great place at that time. Not to mention I was STILL recovering from my second knee surgery. Annnd it was also around that time that I started getting really, really sick, and the new district manager had major attitude over it!! My mother went with me the day that I quit, as my anxiety over it was making me physically ill (I hate letting people down). Well, that and the fact I still couldn’t drive with my knee in a brace. I had NO idea that the new DM was going to be there that night, but I still needed to follow through. She didn’t even allow Amy the option of giving me my final 2 weeks; I was {done}.

A few months later when I was really sick and doing homebound schooling, my Uncle Dave agreed to give me a sense of purpose, and gave me a job part-time doing data entry for my grandfather’s insurance agency, Associated Group Underwriters. I was only able to sit at the computer a few minutes at a time, but it gave me something to do and I didn’t feel as useless as I had been feeling. It was short lived but it was something!

Once my health started to stabilize and I was able to get back out in the [real world], Amy – my old a.m./manager at Claire’s, got me an associate’s position at the clothing store, Charlotte Russe. She was the assistant manager there, but was also trying to get the managing position back at Claire’s, as higher management had an overhaul. Eventually she did and left Charlotte Russe, with promises that she’d bring me back as soon as she could! During my short stint at Charlotte Russe, I really only befriended one co-worker. I feel absolutely terrible about this, but I for the life of me cannot remember her name… ::HoldsHandsOverEyes:: It started with an M and was very unique. We only hung out a few times outside of work for her to do my hair. She had finished beauty school but hadn’t taken a full-time job in the field yet. So, she did my hair in her parent’s basement, ha, ha. I made a promise to myself when I was 10 years old, that I wanted long hair for Senior pictures, and then would donate my hair sometime after that. WELL that time had come, I donated 14.5 inches and went back blonde, with some fun magenta peek-a-boos! I enjoyed working at Charlotte Russe, but one of the things that I really didn’t like about working there, was the seniority set up. That and the fact that I had gotten Jessie [06.HS/11.Childhood Friendships+] a job there, only for it to backfire, as it was right at the time of her self sabotaging. Then there was a holiday hire that just brought gut punches of painful memories. She was a former cheerleader at Salem [06.HS/Diagnosis] with me, but on a higher ranked squad. We never really interacted too much, but she always had that typical, ‘I’m hot and better than you’ attitude. Kevin also started hanging out with her during school lunches, towards the end of things, before we actually broke up. SOOOooo needless to say, I did -not- like this girl and yet, that seniority set up required me to be the one to train her. Good grief did I need Amy to find me a spot, STAT!

Once back in charge, Amy first brought Kayla back as her assistant manager, and then brought Megan on as a 3rd key, again. At the time, there was another 3rd key named Ashley, and 2 associates, Kristin and Shebon. Due to only having 2 associates, who were both highschool students, Amy needed someone else full-time, which meant another assistant manager. SO, Megan got moved up to a.m., and to my surprise, Amy wanted me to be a 3rd key, instead of an associate. ::eeek::  Again, to explain the differences, a 3rd key is a part-time assistant manager. They have all the same duties such as opening/closing the store, bank deposits, making managing decisions- just less hours and no benefits. FINE by me! I was SO excited to be back with 3 of the original crew, we really were like a family! Remember, Megan and her cousin, Shannon [11.Childhood Friendships+] brought me a giant handmade card, wishing me luck when I had to go to the Mayo Clinic.[06.HS/Diagnosis] Things were going great!

The following summer there was a Borders Books opening up in Canton and I thought, why not? I mean, we all know that I was {not} the biggest reader at the time, but the store was super close, huge, and they needed a ton of employees to fill all the different positions. So, I applied. And I got the job. And I was working full-time between working there and at Claire’s, and going to school part-time that fall. OH, and that fall was also when I found out about Christopher getting married. [13.Survivor] <- That would be alot for any healthy person, but someone who was chronically ill, and not too far out from the biggest flair of their life, it probably wasn’t the wisest of choices… But how was I supposed to know? I was newly diagnosed, on the right meds, and was -so- unprepared in the understanding that chronic health issues are a lifelong battle of ups and downs, flares and remissions. My body started to fight back. There was an instance while working at Claire’s when it was just an associate and I one evening, she was taking her break so I was alone in the store, annnnnd I passed out… I happened to be in the back corner of the store, so it’s a damn good thing it was a weekday evening, for the mall was practically empty!! I have no idea how long I was out but a nice older couple was fussing around me as I came too. I really don’t remember too much about the incident other than that. ::doeeyes:: And the decision to leave Claire’s was starting to take form. I was devastated to quit working there, but I was barely getting any hours and it wasn’t worth the gas to get there. Plus, I made more money at Borders.

I’ll never forget my interview with Borders, either. I met with the G.M. first, and when I introduced myself he thought that I said, “Jella”… huh? How? That was the first time anyone had ever thought that’s what I was saying; though, oddly enough, it wasn’t the last! What? How? Ha, ha. I just don’t understand. ::shrugsshoulders::

I loved working at Borders! It’s where I was first introduced to T. Swift, and the rest is history. Though, they wouldn’t play her C.D. for me often, bastards. However, they did make up for it by playing the soundtrack to “Across the Universe” often, just for me. There is just something about that soundtrack! I know I’ll probably get backlash for this, but I so prefer the movie’s versions over the originals. ::sorrynotsorryBeatlesfans:: I made so many good friends working there, some of whom I’m still in contact with today, even if only through social media, just like my Claire’s girls! <3 Korrin, Amanda, Trevor, Holly, Shannon, Neidee, Lisa, Maureen, Jeff, Tim – there really are so many more people that I could name in which I just simply adored! Korrin, Amanda and Holly were my closest friends, though. Amanda and I were exceptionally close and even at each other’s weddings, years after working at Borders together. I never considered myself a bad influence, but I did sneak her into a different country, just so she could drink legally, when she turned 19. I don’t know if her parents ever found out that we went to Canada but it sure was fun! Ha, ha. <- OOOMG sitting here writing this, I realized that I completely forgot a whole other friendship to discuss!! Actually, a few.. Goodness!!! What triggered my memory was thinking about the first time I went to Canada to drink. I’ll have to address my poor choices on that subject at a later date. ::turnsRedandLooksaway::

I’m not exactly sure where this falls in the timeline, but I was still at Borders so it’ll fit here appropriately. Marion’s mom [10.Twin Flame] was the principal at a small private elementary school. She asked me if I’d be interested in being a cheer coach for a short season, teaching the girls the basics, and then having them put on a performance to wrap up the season. Uh, YES! I was so excited, nervous because I was in charge of 15 or so kids, ages 5-10, teaching them the sport that triggered my health to decline, but still excited nonetheless. Not to mention, I really wasn’t a kid person. But oh my goodness, I was like a proud mama bear; they did SO well!! They all loved it and their parents’ praised my efforts. The whole thing brought up a lot of emotion for me, but overall I’m glad I had that experience. Wow, sitting here reflecting back, I feel like I’ve lived 20 something different lifetimes! There are so many aspects about myself that I don’t even recognize.

Anyway, tearful memory lane is over. Although, can I really say that memory lane is over when I’m continuing to write about my past? Details, am I right?… As Igor [14.Forever&Always] and I were getting closer and it was evident that an engagement was on the cusp, I started looking at jobs closer to White Lake. As previously mentioned, there was a good 30/40 minute drive between us on a typical day. I was still going to school about halfway between us and it just made sense, since I was more than likely going to be moving in with him, once we were engaged. -Spoiler Alert- I didn’t. And no that’s not really a spoiler alert, just see [12.Life Detour]. Since my psychic abilities were packed, hidden away in the depths of my consciousness, I didn’t foresee that detour, and I ended up quitting Borders. I applied to be a bank teller just up the road from Igor’s condo, but ultimately decided against it and wanted to put my focus on finishing school. Oh Universe, you’re so good at making jokes, even if they’re not always funny. In the slightest. At all.

Borders was my last official, on the record, money making, taxes paying job – until The Sisters Enchanted. ::mindblown:: 13 years. It took me 13 years to land a job that actually paid money… We know this was not by choice, but holy cow! Borders may have been my last official job, but I did have my externship at an ER/Urgent Care cross over. It was originally an offsite, lower level ER, but they were in the process of turning it into an urgent care. It was reaaaallly weird that as a medical assisting student, I was considered more qualified and able to do more with patients, than former medics. At the urgent care, they were essentially only allowed to be patient care techs, while I was able to administer medication, give shots, draw blood, start IV’s, and assist with minor procedures. I still don’t understand how, but I’m grateful I could! I saw some >wicked< things while working there, let me tell ya! I’ll spare you details, but let’s just say maggots and degloving for funsies. Did that just gross you out? Imagine living it… ::turnsgreen&cheekspuffed:: gahhhh!

It was after my externship had ended and I was awarded my certification by the AAMA, that I got sick again, thus leading to the past 13 years without a “real” job. I swear as I’m writing that I’ve already shared things; I have to keep going back to previous entries to see, only to discover that I haven’t, and I just don’t understand how I havent? Maybe I’m just thrown off as I’m not writing regularly at this present time, and jumping around? Lost my groove of telling my story in order. I have no idea, but I [know] that I’ve written about things before, now I just have to figure out where, if not here… ::handToChinAsIthink:: I’m so confused right now. Ha, ha. Maybe that’s my cue to end things here. Trusting my intuition, check!

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Hello, New Me! pt. 2

“It’s all about new me.” – Lity Munshi

I know I left you hanging and I do apologize; but if I hadn’t broken these up that blog entry would have been doubled the size of any other entry, and from what my husband has said, entries aren’t supposed to be >that< long. Though this is still long AF… ::shrugsshoulders::

So what were my 3 intentions that I wanted to change while I worked through Holistic Witchery?

Initially I wanted to change the way that I think about myself and the way I feel about how I handle life with 2E [Twice Exceptional] children, especially Leighton being neurodivergent. However, as I got thinking and working, I realized it’s not about -how- I think about myself but -why- I feel the way I do. Which also made me realize that it’s more that I needed to change the way I think in terms of Leighton. And then for my surroundings was an easy/obvious one after the chaos of Covid. I need to get my home back in order, I needed to get organized in every way possible!! But the question was, what did they all have in common that I could use as one intention to focus on?

The answer: Balance!!

You see, I’ve never felt comfortable doing things by myself. Going to a store without another adult/peer, I felt that I didn’t belong. My senses were on high alert and I felt disoriented. Even being out with my children just didn’t feel right. I would get anxious even just being in my front yard alone, which left me inside, anti-social and my landscaping neglected. Plenty of neighbors are outside with their kids or doing yardwork and I just couldn’t with them there, without someone else with me. Of course these are not rational feelings, which is why I figured out it’s not a matter of thinking but a matter of why. Why do I feel this way? What causes me to feel so drastically different doing something alone vs. with another adult? I thought maybe it was a confidence thing, like how I hate talking on the phone because of my processing disorder. I lose my train of thought, can’t get the right words out and sound like a babbling bimbo. The deep rooted shadow of “not being good enough” seemed to fit. Although, I have come to see that this is more of a problem with my generation as a whole. We grew up in the era of online chatting and texting for communication. The anxiety is there for almost everyone in one way or another, therefore, lack of confidence is too surface level to be the [real] shadow.

No, the real issue at bay, which in a way could be lack of confidence I suppose, is the lack of {believing} in myself. <- I know that sounds rather surface level as well, but here’s where the deep “AH HA” comes in. As I explained in [06.HS/Diagnosis], I was really sick as a teenager. I couldn’t do things on my own, whether it was because it was dangerous or I simply just couldn’t physically. I woke up too many times in a bathtub filled with cold water when I was just trying to shower. I didn’t know when I was going to end up face first on the ground or hitting my head hard enough for a concussion from dropping. It. Wasn’t. Safe. Over the years my health has been up and down, especially through hormonal transitions from pregnancies, nursing, weaning, etc. With all of my deep diving through Holistic Witchery, I realized that somewhere in my subconscious I have been stuck between being a healthy, capable adult and the bedridden teenager I once was. ::BAM::mindblown:: I have been “sick” most of my life but after getting a diagnosis 17 years ago, I’ve done enough research and am in tune enough with my body, that I know when I’m [really] sick vs. just not pushing hard enough. <- and I HATE to say it that way but it’s true. However, it’s not about fear of pushing myself too hard but rather… at all in some cases.

I came to the conclusion that I have been using past experiences as a crutch. The fear of something happening while out on my own, is my lack of {belief} in myself. The lack of trusting that I know myself well enough by now to know if I really will be okay. With this, also comes my lack of driving. Yes, there are absolutely days and stretches of time when I cannot get behind the wheel. It wouldn’t be safe for me or anyone else. But that lack of belief in myself rings true here, with the help of anxiety and a side of PTSD. After the car accident [12. Life Detour] I was left with PTSD, I mean who wouldn’t after experiencing what I went through? Although, I was able to overcome it and drive regularly again, until I wasn’t. When I hit longer stretches of being sick, I know I’m not well enough to drive. However, I have also concluded that I use being sick as a crutch to also allow anxiety and deep rooted PTSD to keep me from going out and/or driving. This is where the lack of pushing myself hard enough and/or at all comes into play. There are days that may be [iffy] as to whether or not I should drive, but those ‘iffy’ days are a wide spectrum of gray, and more so lean towards the ability to vs. ability not to. Deep down I probably already knew this, but a shadow is a shadow and buried deep for a reason!

Since this revelation? I have driven myself to meet up with Mom#2 [07. Ode to My Mentors] for tea, I have taken the kids and myself to my dad’s pool, taken both boys to Menards by myself, taken Leighton to a doctor’s appointment, myself to a doctor’s appointment and a few curbside pickups. I’m sure there are probably a few other smaller things, like to my mom’s, but these alone are huge! Prior to this summer, I could count on my hands the number of times I drove from the Fall/Winter of 2017 to this Summer… it’s fkin sad. Don’t get me wrong, there were >definitely< periods of [long] stretches where I really was -too- sick, but looking back now, I can see where there were days I likely could have driven but fear got in the way. Now, did it feel weird AF driving and being out? Absolutely! Did I still feel like I didn’t belong and disoriented while at Menards with the kids? Absolutely! And I know that it will for a long while, if not forever, honestly. But that’s okay! I found the {why}, therefore I know that the only thing holding me back is myself – and I don’t want to anymore!! I KNOW that I AM [capable]! I am finding the balance between being that sick teenager and the healthy, capable adult.

Now for changing the way I think about how I deal with Leighton. If that even makes sense? As I’ve already explained in [Twice Exceptional], having 2E children is no walk in the park, especially when they’re neurodivergent. My mother has always praised me for how I deal with/handle Leighton and his “episodes”. I try my best but I won’t lie that it’s hard AF and beyond exhausting. It has challenged my marriage and my mental health. As a mother it breaks my heart to even say this, but our relationship seemed [forced] out of obligation at times. After nearly 10 years I found myself just feeling more and more negative towards him, even though I knew it wasn’t his fault. Yes, he may be a master manipulator, but at the end of the day he is still neurodivergent.

As I worked through Holistic Witchery I knew I needed to work on myself in order to change my mindset around him. He is very science minded, black and white, and if he can’t see it to prove and/or explain it, he doesn’t believe it. We already know Igor [14. Forever & Always] doesn’t believe in -any- of this, even though the science IS there. He just doesn’t understand it. Ha ha. That said, let’s talk about crystals for a moment. Science has proven that -everything- has different vibrational frequencies, right? And that energy can be manipulated based on those different frequencies. So wouldn’t it just be a scientific fact that an object radiating a certain level of energy could manipulate your own frequencies? And with that said, wouldn’t it make sense that different crystals, with their own different frequencies, could affect one self? Sounds simple enough to me… Do I believe that crystals can cure things over medical intervention? No. Do I believe that crystals can change your emotions or mindset, put up a ‘shield’ to protect your own energy from taking on others around you, or aid in the healing of certain ailments? Yes. Is it possible that it is just a placebo effect? Absolutely. Is there anything wrong with that if it helps someone become the best version of themself? Absolutely not!

Being the ever so inquisitive child that he is, obviously he wanted to know more about what I was learning and how things worked. About two years ago he was interested in tarot but Igor and I agreed that I’d take a step back from teaching him about it, as he wasn’t fully grasping the psychology behind it. He saw it as cut and dry and took everything at face value. Now that he’s older he’s understanding things differently. In fact Igor joked that I broke our child because he was able to explain how people born on the same day, at the same location and time could have different astrological birth charts, because they’re not in the exact same location in terms of degrees. I laughed so hard because that was [not] something I had taught him; I actually hadn’t spoken to him about astrology at all before that! He then went on to discuss how there are actually 13 Zodiacs and a whole bunch of other space knowledge. <- In case you missed it, he’s been obsessed with all things -space- for over 5 years, when he decided he wanted to be an actual rocket engineer. His dream is to help put man on Mars and my goodness I’m sure he will!

Anyway, as I learned more about honing in on my intuition, Leighton started to notice and understand that he too is [sensitive] and really connected. Which has been hard for him because he doesn’t understand how he just >knows< things. He is stuck between logic and feeling and still trying to figure out what it is that he believes himself. Which is perfectly fine, he knows both mine and his father’s views, and all we can do is explain why we believe what we do and let him figure it out for himself. Suficeive to say that his clairsentience and claircognizance are strengthening and it’s difficult to navigate when both parents aren’t on board. He absolutely hates whenever he hears about, reads or sees someone getting hurt. He could never explain why until this summer… As it turns out, he physically >feels< the pain that someone else is enduring, even just fictional characters in a book or movie. Talk about taking emath to the next level! He has also described things that he sees such as auras and colored symbols. Being the science guy that he is, he didn’t believe the thought behind crystals either. Of course, it doesn’t help when his dad bashes it. BUT, I knew he was struggling. The more my “powers” unlocked, his did too. Even Kellan has been bringing things up out of the blue lately that are spot on without any way of knowing. I think it’s safe to say that the energy within our household is definitely changing.

One day the light bulb inside my head went off. I realized that it wasn’t the way I think about him or handling his episodes, it was about helping him take control for himself. Through therapy and everything in the book, nothing helped in terms of coping mechanisms. So, I decided to try a different approach. For those who don’t know crystals, black tourmaline is believed to be one of the best protection stones. It helps shield your energy from negative getting in or positive getting out. If that’s too ::woo woo:: for you, think of it in terms of vibrational frequencies. It helps keep you neutral without being affected. I bought a couple different tumbled stones and told him to feel them, really truly pay attention to his mind, body and soul. He could take one and walk away, try a different one. Just see if he notices anything different among them. <- That was the day Leighton became a believer. He couldn’t get over how dark and heavy one stone made him feel or how light and airy the other did. He felt a sense of calm he’d never experienced before and his whole mindset changed. In fact, he had been afraid of “witches” ever since his second grade teacher read The Witches during class. Like, legit nightmares for years. When I started Holistic Witchery and some pathways in Enchanted Journey, I learned more historical backgrounds and tried educating him. That was when I started saying that I was a witch – trying to show him that how they’re portrayed in books and movies is simply false narratives. My doing so was more to help ease his fear from the book but it completely changed his mind about everything he thought in terms of the subject.

This summer we took a family trip to Traverse City with my dad and Brian. Before leaving for the trip I mentioned that there was a crystal store that we’d go to where he could pick out his own crystals. Something that he feels drawn to, to keep him safe. While the black tourmaline made him feel better, everyone has different frequencies remember? Therefore, different stones work differently for different people. To my surprise there was a new “witchy” store that had just opened a few months prior. I was SO excited to pick up supplies but also for Leighton to experience it. Igor and Kellan were bored as can be and left us there, but Leighton? Leighton lit up like a Christmas tree! You could just see the spark within him. He did the same thing with a few tumbled stones there and ended up picking out snowflake obsidian (similar to black tourmaline while also bringing balance between the mind, body and spirit.) and lapis lazuli, which is also a protective stone but also brings about confidence with self awareness and expression, and deep inner peace. After we left with some awesome goodies I asked him what he thought. He LOVED it and felt like he [belonged]!! He can’t wait to visit another metaphysical store and has already asked a few times when we’d be going. Oh my sweet child, you are my baby boy! Ha, ha. Things between us started changing and getting good early in the program but after visiting that store, everything changed for us. We now have this connection that isn’t forced and I genuinely want to spend time with him; and I even look forward to snuggling at night, which was something I used to dread. Yeah, I’d say this intention for change is checked off.

Next we have changing my surroundings. Just one look around the house and it was super obvious what needed to be done. EveRythINg! Though it wasn’t just my house, it was my life in general. Due to being sick for so long prior to Covid, and then having the kids home for a year and a half, everything got turned upside down. As I’m sure it did with most everyone. I used to have a daily/monthly/yearly cleaning schedule but all of that went out the window. It was too hard to keep up with, with everyone home and no one helping. Plus my major PMDD spiral [Awakening] at the end of summer 2020. Life had just been a mess. Which is exactly why I started this blog and joined TSE: I didn’t want others to feel alone, but at the same time, I realized through the community at TSE, that I myself am not alone. I’m telling ya, the community alone is worth it, haha.

But seriously. I needed organization in my life more than ever! I made myself a daily schedule that has a timeline for myself to get certain things done, an area for daily gratitude, an affirmation, and then extra notes or things to remember to do. I also made myself a new daily/monthly/yearly cleaning schedule that would better fit life these days. I made both of them pretty, and colorful, and they bring me such joy when I see them. Heck, I even laminated them and bought wet erase markers. Yup, getting my surroundings balanced was underway, but I was just getting started!

Igor and I had always talked about things we wanted to get done around the house, updating wise, but after 9 years nothing was getting done. Literally. Landscaping did but we didn’t have a choice. <- I kid you not, my house is a hot spot for trees being taken out by mother nature. Which is ironic as we ourselves have removed 9 from the front yard and 3 in the back. Mother nature took it upon herself to strike 2 trees right next to each other with lighting, a few years apart. Lightning doesn’t strike the same place twice, huh? I have proof otherwise. Unless you’re going to be like Leighton and argue for the sake of trying to prove me wrong, because it wasn’t the “exact spot”. ::rolleyes:: But seriously, in the back 3 full trees and 2 separate half trees have been knocked down. Then the city removed one in front due to disease and just this past week half of another tree was hit by lightning in front. WTF is going on? Michigan isn’t supposed to have this crazy weather!! Oh wait, hi global warming. ::shakeshead::

Anyway, sorry, I didn’t mean to go on a tangent about trees and the weather. Just needless to say landscaping was a necessity. But you know, homeownership is for the birds. And yes, I am about to go on another tangent because this is my reality. You have a problem, try to fix said problem, the problem still exists. Then a new problem appears which ultimately leads to needing remodeling work done, which leads to discovering [new] problems, which leads to more remodeling and so forth. It’s a stupid cycle! If you don’t own a home, don’t do it. Just don’t. You’ll thank me one day…

Okay, so the second tangent goes with my changing the surroundings to a point. Like I said, we had plans to update our house but just never did, cause you know – money. The one thing that I wanted done first was new flooring in the kitchen and family room, and Igor wanted new kitchen countertops. Which, I don’t blame him, they really were horrible! Our master bath’s are also horrible but I am ok with the cheap fix with contact paper for now. Err.. well, ever, because priorities have certainly changed as of this summer. ANYwho. So, last fall we noticed our kitchen cabinets were starting to fall apart. We thought maybe some was due to water damage since we got a new roof in 2019 due to leaking. Turns out it wasn’t damaged but rather just junk. Our cabinets literally started to crumble. In fact, as Igor was removing one it all came apart and the shelves slammed down onto his head. ::sadfaces:: In March of this year we decided to go with a new Ikea kitchen. I designed it, we met with a member at the store, had their guy come measure but we sat on it. Igor couldn’t decide between a wall oven with a cooktop or a new range all together. I personally would have been fine with the range but whatevs. So for a few more months we played around with designs until I had enough.

Since Igor had to work my mom took me to Ikea to meet with a new kitchen specialist, to assure that our design was going to work and finalize everything. If you hadn’t already figured out that I am a person who second guesses everything and hates to make decisions, then I’d say you’re not actually reading my blog posts. But do you know what my new found confidence from TSE allowed me to do? I bought the damn cabinets!! Igor was in a meeting and I couldn’t get a hold of him and I just did it. > I < made the decision! Nevermind the fact that as soon as I sat in the car, I had to stick my head out of the door to throw up, right there in the parking lot. ::hidesInshame:: I have never had that happen before, ever! I didn’t even realize that my nerves were so heightened but it makes sense. My mom said that she had never seen me so composed, unanxious – I was like a completely different person going through that purchasing process. I’m sure you know what I mean when your parents tell you they’re proud of you, it’s just like “yeah, okay, thanks.” <- or maybe you don’t. I am sorry to assume; I know that I am very fortunate to have such a supportive family and that not everyone hears their parents tell them they’re proud of them. I think [my] parents have told my husband how proud of him they are more than his own ever have. Please know that I don’t take those words for granted, all I’m saying is, that day I {really} -felt- her words!!

When we went to Ikea in March they told us it could take 12-18 weeks to get all of our cabinets delivered/in stock. And when we met with countertop places they said it would be 4-8 weeks -after- the countertops were installed. WHaa??? I think that’s why we sat on it. It just seemed like the process would take forever and we’d be living in a nightmare. Little did I know, after ordering the cabinets the bulk of the order was able to be delivered less than 2 weeks later. Maybe that added to my getting sick in the parking lot, because it just got real, real fast! So they were delivered and I went to town building the bases of them. Out of 30 cabinets, I had all but maybe 6 completed within a week and a half. I was ready to get the ball roooolling. Problem was, we had no idea who would do the actual installing. We hadn’t found our countertops or flooring either. Hello stress overload, not so nice to meet you again.

My father in law is the kind of guy who [knows a guy] for everything. Being in that Ukrainian/Russian speaking network has its perks… to a point. Both of his guys said they couldn’t do the full projects until the Fall. So, I also went to town on disassembling the kitchen to help speed things up and hopefully make it cheaper for when we hired someone else. Buuuut my FIL wasn’t having it and convinced one of his guys that it wouldn’t be that big of a project, just come in and hang the cabinets. OMG did I feel terrible for him, he was so manipulated and I had no idea. My FIL also convinced his other guy to send one of his employees to do the flooring. What should have been a 2 day project turned into a 5 day project and a second guy was brought in for days 3-5. ::oyy:: This is where the point of why you shouldn’t be a homeowner comes into play. Upon removal of the carpet in the family room, we discovered that our door to the deck, one we NEVER use, was rotting on the inside from water damage. We knew the outside was an issue and that getting new windows was the only option to fix it. Which we planned to do, but again, money.,, one income household of 4 and a cat. So, we needed to remove the subfloor, bleach the heck out of everything structural to remove any built up mildew, and spray a ton of anti-mold stuff or something like that. All I know is the family room was tapped off with plastic for almost 24 hours. Now the pressure is back on to try to find someone for windows asap. We met with 3 companies last year but again, sat on it. And now with inflation it’s a nightmare! Remember when I said it would take 4-6 weeks for countertops? Yeah, I dreaded that process most of all! BUT in actuality, the whole process took less than two weeks, thankfully!! It took 8 FULL days broken up over the span of 4 weeks to get all of our cabinets installed, plus lighting and electrical replaced. And that’s just bases installed. Igor and I have been spending most of our free time building all of the drawers, installing them, installing doors, and adding hardware for like 2 weeks now and it’s still not done! So. Many. Drawers… Not to mention they messed up and sent us things we don’t need and left out some things we do. Cool.

::Breath::

I honestly have no idea when the kitchen will actually get painted, backsplash installed, or the decorative stips on the cabinets will be installed, but it’s getting there. I am SO excited to start the organizing process of the new drawers and everything! I got plastic bins and containers so I can ditch the boxes. We had to get all new cookware for the new induction cooktop, that I chose [purple] to match what the kitchen -will- be! Yes, I will have a purplish kitchen, and yes am I excited. Ha, ha. <- So alas, I legit changed my surroundings in the form of designing a kitchen that’ll better fit our needs, and allow me to keep things better organized.

I really am in such an amazing place, mindset wise! I am confident. I am capable. I am balanced. I am courageous. I am not afraid of failing, as it’s just lessons learned. I am not allowing my comfort zone to hold me hostage. I am thriving. AND I am [employed]! YES, yes you did read that correctly!!

Remember the last post where I mentioned that I reached out to -The Sisters Enchanted- and asked for a job flat outright? About that… as I’ve already mentioned, I went into this with a goal in mind: to work on myself and figure out a way to make money. At one point earlier this summer, I thought that maybe I’d get more into tie dying and sell some work, which, I guess is still a possibility. The kitchen remodel kind of took over my whole summer and so many plans went out the window. But, that is okay!! My heart is with what TSE has to offer and in just 4 months, they must have seen it as well! I {legit} worked my >own magic< and manifested a job for myself!! WHAT!? Yeah, that scared woman in limbo is no more. It has only been a week since I started as an independent contractor, working in Customer Service and Student Support with a little Operations on the side. AND I COULDN’T LOVE IT MORE!! I am just so happy to be a part of the vision that Sara Walka created! I have also been entrusted as the group “Mom” for one of their smaller, most intimate groups. It is my job to keep them engaged and encouraged, with all the love, light and support I can give! I have found my purpose! It’s still so surreal considering it’s been almost 11 years since I stopped working at the urgent care, and have been a SAHM ever since! Nothing is coincidence, it was Taurus’ New Moon where I set my financial intentions, and by the end of Taurus’ Full Moon cycle, I will have completed the ‘90’ day trial that I was initially set up with. But the funny thing is, after only one week, they’re all already talking about long term plans and using “when” instead of “if”. Yeah, I think this is going to work well for us all! <3

And on that note: If you are interested in checking out what TSE is about and how they can help you, help yourself, to become the best version of yourself that you can be – they/we? (OMG, it is we!) are hosting a 5 day workshop called, Magic Week, where you’ll walk away knowing your Expansion Archetype, with a sense of how to manifest and live a magical life based on your individual result. It all starts October 7th and if you’re interested, or would even like to just read more about it, you can do so here: The Sisters Enchanted’s Magic Week workshop. 

I am telling you, it is never too late and AlwAys worth it, to invest in yourself!!! And no, I promise you this blog hasn’t just become an add for TSE and I wont be throwing promotions at you left and right. I just really believe in what they’re all about! ::nodshead::
Love, light and hugs to all!

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Hello, New Me! pt. 1


“Forget everything you’ve done. Start over.” – Marty Rubin

Hi, so I know it’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted, but over the past 4 months I have been going through the >biggest< personal transformation of my life!!

Actually, it started much before then if we’re being honest. We know that I set out to find myself again near the end of 2019 and reeeallly dove deep after a downward spiral in summer of 2020. We also know that in April of this year that I took part in something called, “Expedition to Soul” with [The Sisters Enchanted :TSE:] after doing their 21  day self-care challenge. Let me just say, TSE has completely -changed- my life!! So much so that I even reached out inquiring about a job as I believe in what they represent and can do for women! But I’ll get back to that!

See, The Sisters Enchanted believe in leading with kindness, living a soul-led life with intention, through intuition and everyday magic. They have a blog, podcast and offer many free classes, which is where I started with the 2 above. But I needed more. I felt this swirling within me, that what I was doing with their help was everything I ever needed for myself!  

They have what they call, ‘the school of magic’ and offer many different courses, Holistic Witchery and Expedition Astrology being their big 2. And yes, this may sound too ::woo woo:: for some, but please trust me and hear me out…

Part of the reason it’s called [witchery] is for -rebellion- against the patriarchy and how women (and/or anyone considered “different”) of the past were treated. <- now these are my words but the founder chooses to call herself a “witch” because it does in fact make her feel rebellious. It’s an ode to everyone who has ever been considered “different”. My last post, [w.i.t.c.h.] explains all about that and how there is such a negative stigma against the word “witch”.  And at the risk of sounding redundant, I repeat Devon Cole sang it best when she voiced that a witch is just a “woman in total control of herself”! However, don’t let the name fool you! You don’t have to be a self proclaimed “witch” to join. Infact, a good majority of their students are even Christian. Why/how is that? It’s because TSE isn’t about religion, it’s about helping (primarily women, but all are welcome!) live the lives they’ve always wanted. How to rewrite the story that most of us have been told when it comes to how women are “supposed” to be, act, and present themselves. They help you overcome trauma via [shadow work] and re-write the narrative. Psychologist Carl Jung defined the “shadow” as being the unknown dark side of one’s personality. Everything has light and shadow, hiding from your shadow only makes it worse. You cannot live your best life without acknowledging the parts of yourself you want to forget and/or ignore. You need to embrace all of yourself, including your past, as it has gotten you to where you are today! Which in turn will lead you to where you want to go, tomorrow.

I am writing this post because A) the whole point of this blog is to tell my story and help others in any way that I can. B) because I myself still feel that uncomfortable pit in my stomach when I tell someone new about The Sisters Enchanted and Holistic Witchery. I still get… not embarrassed, but almost like I don’t want to be looked at as [crazy], because society and the entertainment industry has turned it into a false narrative. But here’s the thing… The word “witch” means something different to all who use it as a description for themselves. Even to those who don’t consider themselves one, the word itself is different for everyone! Within my immediate family I’ll call myself one, but it’s also a description that has a time and a place, and I do respect other’s views. I may try to educate them like I have via this blog, but again, respect. And that respect is just as much for -myself- as someone else. I >won’t< allow myself to be ::bullied:: for my beliefs, but one of the many things The Sisters Enchanted has taught me, is setting and respecting {boundaries}!!

Yes, you do learn the -tricks of the trade- but they’re all just tools to help yourself. You have to remember, everything that was/is considered ‘witchcraft’ was just [a way of life] once before. Tarot? A scientifically proven {tool} to help one unlock parts of their subconscious and see things in a different light, not some fortune telling parlor trick. Working with the Lunar cycle could simply just be a reminder to keep you on track with your intentions. The greatest thing about TSE is that you don’t have to do everything or anything that you’re not comfortable with. They present to you ALL of the options for you to find what works best for you! Sara Walka, the founder of The Sisters Enchanted, created what is known as the 5i spiral. It represents the stages of what it is that you want to achieve and how to make it happen. This is where using the Lunar cycle can keep you accounted for.

1. Intention. You set your intention at the New Moon.  Intention is different than a goal, it’s more about how you want to [feel] when it comes to something. In Holistic Witchery you have to set 3 intentions to work on during your courses. Three things that you want to change; a way you think about something, the way you feel about something and something in your physical environment. You then use the 5i spiral to work it out.
2. Integration. From the New Moon to the 1st quarter moon, you reflect on your intention. The 1st quarter moon is then where you start to integrate your intention into your everyday life with the help of your energy/chakra centers.
3. Insight. By the Full Moon you should have a better understanding of what is and isn’t working from integrating your intention. Here is where you use insight (through shadow work) to reflect on it. If things aren’t working out, reflect on why. Is it because you’re not putting in the work? Is it because your intention is too large, too broad, and needs to be broken down into smaller, more achievable intentions? Here is where you take the time to think that through.
4. Ideate. As you reflect and gain insight around the Full Moon, by the 3rd quarter moon is when you start to rethink everything. You bring together what you have learned and make a plan going forward, enchanting/’bewitching’ your everyday life. Does your intention need to be broken down? If yes, what would that look like and how could you then integrate it? If not, what should you keep doing or change to make it even better?
5. Intuition. By the time the New Moon comes around again, you should have an overall better understanding of your intention with the help of divination. Did you succeed? Do you need to keep this intention for a few months? What have you learned during the month that will help feed your intuition, to know what is right or wrong for yourself?

While intention setting can be set to the Lunar cycles, it can also be set during the year. Intention setting is always done at the beginning of the year when New Year’s resolutions are made. It’s then often mid-year when you sit back and wonder if you’re sticking true to your resolution or not, and by the end of the year you tend to make a plan for the following year on how you can either start again or move onto something else. See, not ::woo woo:: at all, huh?

The funny thing is, explaining exactly what it is that TSE does is even difficult for those who created it. It’s really just a platform – turned – community for helping one find their own empowerment through true, unconditional support. I have never felt more safe to be myself, raw and vulnerable in such a way without fear of judgment. We all understand one another on some level and the [sisterhood] that is formed is like nothing that could truly be explained without experiencing for yourself. My mother compared it to therapy and in a way, it really is. Now, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t seek licensed help when needed, this is just an added bonus as you work through things! Shadow work can be and -is- incredibly difficult at times, and honestly could benefit from a licensed practitioner depending on how deep or traumatic your shadow is rooted within yourself. I know first hand that if it wasn’t for the work that I put in with my therapist 8 and a half years ago that ‘shadow-work’ wouldn’t have come so easily for me during this time. What I didn’t know at the time is that the work my therapist, Michaelene Ruhl, PsyD had me do, was in fact shadow work! I never understood how years of on again off again therapy with different therapists lead me nowhere, but within weeks of working with Michaelene I had such incredible breakthroughs. Now I do! Michaelene takes a more holistic approach, focusing on the energetic connections through ancestral trauma via what is known as [constellations healing]. I do not understand enough myself to explain what that means exactly, HA, however, she knows her stuff and worked her >magic<. Or rather, lead me to working [my own]!! If you are interested in knowing more about what Michaelene has to offer, here is her website! 🙂

One of the biggest takeaways from working with her and what I have come to realize with TSE, is the use of physical representations. These “tools” that I’ve spoken of. Michaelene used to have these little wooden figures that we’d use to represent people, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, AnYtHtInG – so that I could physically see what it is that I was working with. Taking it out of my mind, off my shoulders and placing it in front of myself to truly {see} it for what it was. That’s all ‘witchcraft’ really is if you really think about it. It’s using objects to represent whatever it is that you need help with, as a physical representation that you can see, feel, smell, hear, taste. A totum to remind yourself what it is you want and a way to allow yourself to believe it, with said reminder. Now, could this be simply a placebo effect? Absolutely! But let me ask you, why would that be a bad thing if so? The psychological phenomenon from the placebo effect is nothing to be ashamed of! If it helps someone to be the better version of themselves, why is that something to be looked down upon? If you are not causing harm to yourself or anyone else, NO ONE can tell you what is or isn’t right for yourself!!

Holistic Witchery has no set time frame in which it needs to be completed. There are live sessions every few months, though the program is constantly evolving as they figure out what is the best way to present the material. It can be very overwhelming as you are given everything at once and left on your own to work through most of it. There are live Zoom sessions in which you go over things and are able to ask questions, and even ask questions in the group chats via their app. But again, there is no set time frame and they make sure to reiterate that often, that just because you may not “graduate” during a certain live round, doesn’t mean you failed. It simply means that you are taking your time to better understand and work on yourself. AND if you DO graduate during a live round time frame, your work is never truly over; you just dig deeper each round – if you want to. Which personally I don’t know why anyone wouldn’t want to as it is literally life changing! Ha ha. Technically right now the program is set up at a self paced 12 month course with about 3 ‘live rounds’ a year at roughly 4 months each. There is also Enchanted Journey, which is their paid membership program that is monthly, in which you learn about a core subject for a year. For example, this year is Rocks, Herbs and Stories. This course has been broken up into 4 sections, the Cosmic witch, Earth witch, Sea witch and Hearth witch. Oobbbbviously being the mermaid that I am, the Sea witch unit has been uh-may-zing!! Being a Pisces born in March, knowing that aquamarine is known as: ‘mermaid’s treasure’, is that much more thrilling for someone such as myself! And again, just like with Holistic Witchery, Enchanted Journey, as well as Expedition Astrology or ANY of their programs for that matter, have NO set time frame in which you are expected to complete. Once you are a member of said program, you are for as long as you desire. Life. Ever. etc. Even upon completion! <- which just adds to the intent of it all. TSE may be a company which does require some investment into yourself, depending on how involved you want to be, but it’s just that – an investment into -YOURSELF- that never goes away! The community, love and support is there forever, and that my friends you cannot put a price tag on!

SO… after much debate due to knowing we were getting a new kitchen and flooring, I decided that joining Holistic Witchery was what I wanted and convinced Igor that it was what I >needed<!! I paid to join while he finally paid to upgrade his bike to an electric one, something that he, too, had been pondering due to cost. It was a win-win for us both, just maybe not our savings account. HA! Going into 2022 I knew this was going to be -MY- year; 22 -is- [my] number after all! I knew that I needed to work on myself and find a way to bring in an income. I may not be able to work a conventional job due to my health but it was time to figure something out! I didn’t know what, but with the boys both in school, I needed purpose.. I joined Holistic Witchery with that sole intention in mind and in doing so, I got one year of free access to the Enchanted Journey membership. I’m telling you, best decision I’ve ever made for myself!

Like I have said too many times now, technically there is no set time frame ::brokenRecordOverhere:: but there is the 4 month live session and the 12 month guide. I didn’t think it was going to happen, but your girl here managed to >GradUate< from the program in just 4 months!!! And yes, I am [damn] proud of myself! So what were my 3 intentions that I wanted to change while I worked the program? You’ll find out in my next post. ::GrinsaDevilishGrin::

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W.I.T.C.H.

“Woman.in.total.control.of.herself” – Devon Cole

Let me ask you something… When you hear the word, [“witch”], what is the very first image to come to mind? Is it something along the lines of the Wicked Witch of the West from the Wizard of Oz; a woman conjuring up evil spells and hexes? Or do you see someone being one with nature, using Earth’s resources and ‘Lunar energy’ for the betterment of themselves and the world around them? What about when you hear the word, [“pagan”]? Do you see a Celtic or Nordic herbalist dancing under the full moon -naked- with a bunch of other women in the woods?

What about: Enchantress? Sorceress? Magician? Occultist? Alchemist? Fortune-teller? Soothsayer? Clairvoyant? Medium? Seer? <- is it a combination of fairy tales, “devil worship”, evil and scam artists?

Below are some definitions according to the Oxford Dictionary.

Witch noun:
a woman thought to have magic powers, especially evil ones, popularly depicted as wearing a black cloak and pointed hat and flying on a broomstick

Pagan noun:
a person holding religious beliefs other than those of the main world religions

^ Are those what you pictured? If the answer is yes, then I ask you, how come? Personally, I -didn’t- know the true definition of ‘paganism’ as I believed it just to be a >practice< of pre-Christian traditions, but nothing resembling a religion. Especially because I knew that [Wicca] is a {religious} version of paganism. However, according to Oxford, religion is: “the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, especially a personal God or gods.” The fact polytheism is a belief among pagans makes sense that it would be considered a religion, I just never thought of it that way. 

When you think of “witchcraft” and “Voodoo” are you plagued with thoughts of evil doings? Do you get the same reaction when you hear the word, “[magic]”, or do you think of make believe, Christmas, Disney, Harry Potter and illusionists such as David Blaine? And if you add a K at the end?

Witchcraft noun:
the malevolent exercise of supposed supernatural powers, especially by women, attributed to a connection with the devil or evil spirits.

Voodoo noun:
a religion practiced in parts of the Caribbean and the southern US, combining elements of Roman Catholic ritual with traditional African magical and religious rites, and characterized by sorcery and spirit possession

Magic noun:
the power of apparently influencing the course of events by using mysterious or supernatural forces

Magick noun:
action or effort undertaken to effect personal transformation or external change

If -Voodoo- brings associations of evil, can you explain how, when it uses Roman Catholic rites? Or do you just look past that part? Or is Catholicism evil? <- I won’t argue that; but isn’t it usually those who are very Christian and/or Catholic the ones who make the association of Voodoo being evil? Adding a K at the end of -magic- often makes one think back to witchcraft, but how is {personal transformation} “malevolent exercise of supposed supernatural powers, attributed to a connection with the devil or evil spirits”?

Although, many remove the K and think of >magic< as drawing on an energy field that is believed to be surrounding all of us. It is used to heal themselves and others, or to find a new home or job, among other things. Magic is used for -changing- the practitioner as much as their circumstances, encouraging adherents to pursue self-growth and self-empowerment, with emphasis that magic must not cause harm. Are those who call on the elements, use herbal ‘concoctions’ and practice meditation and divination as tools to help unlock their subconcious in order to become the best version of themselves, evil? A lot of what is considered magic above is brought to you by ancient Nordic, Celtic and Buddhist cultures.

Do you consider Healers and Shamans practitioners of witchcraft or magic? Are they evil? I don’t know about you but when I think of a Healer I see someone trying to help those around them. And a Shaman by definition is: “a person regarded as having access to, and influence in, the world of good and evil spirits, especially among some peoples of northern Asia and North America. Typically such people enter a trance state during a ritual, and practice divination and healing.” <- in Indigionus cultures, Shamans are their healers, their doctors. That’s evil? Who’s to say one way or another because honestly, who has the authority to determine what “evil” even means outside of purposefully causing harm to others? Again, I don’t know about you, but I don’t know anyone who would consider self-growth to be harmful to others. Is setting boundaries for yourself harmful to others? Some may try to make you feel that way but the truth is, it’s not!!

Now, you are probably wondering, ‘why the heck is this even being discussed?’ And the truth is, I didn’t go into this blog with a purpose of explaining or making you question what “words” mean. And that’s all they are… [words]!

The real question is, why do some of the above bother some but not others?

It wasn’t until Christianity that anyone using holistic witchcraft became known as an -evil being-, because it wasn’t until then that witchcraft even became a thing. Oh no, don’t get me wrong, using crystals, herbs, Lunar phases, divination tools and calling upon the elements existed way before Christianity, it just wasn’t considered >Evil<. It was [a way of life], and still is for many Indigiounse cultures. Christianty is very much a ‘man is in charge’ mindset, whereas prior other cultures considered women as equals, or even better than a man. So when Christiantiy bloomed and took over, women who didn’t conform to the new societal views were considered different. And if history has taught us anything, differen’t = bad, am I right? It’s absolutely ridiculous to think, let alone believe, that if someone is different than you, whether it be gender, sexual orentation, color, religion, nationality – whatever, that they are bad and/or wrong while you are the good guy and one who is right. Who told you what was good and what was bad, wrong or right? Just because someone may have -told- you something while being indoctrinated, doesn’t mean that person is correct!!

Personally, as I’ve mentioned before in [10. Twin Flame] I believe everything is energetically connected. I don’t believe in one ‘almighty’ – does that make me wrong or ‘bad’ just because I have differing views? If your religion says so, then you see my issue with organized religion. Humans are humans; just because one believes something over another doesn’t make them a superior being. Just because one is born in poverty doesn’t make them any less of a human than one born into wealth. Money is money, a material object, not a life. If one’s actions or beliefs have [nothing] to do with negatively impacting another, who has the authority to call them wrong and/or bad, or even ‘evil’?

Easy. NO ONE!!! Absolutely no one.

With the way things are going in the U.S. with the Supreme Court taking human rights away from women, all I can think about is how women of the past were ridiculed and legitimately killed just for being a woman. Hell, they still are in some countries today! Women are freaking :magical:! What our bodies do to grow and nurture another is more than a man ever could, physiologically or mentally. So why is it we’re considered less than? Why is it we’re considered the inferior gender and/or sex? If it wasn’t for current religions we wouldn’t be; and it infuriates me that just because I was born with a double X chromosome, I am somehow less than? F that! The human race literally wouldn’t exist without women!! It’s as simple as that. Period. I may not go around with a pink hat with cat ears, but I without question support equality among >all< humans, not just dependent on their gender, biological sex, color, sexual orientation, etc.

This post isn’t about the Supreme Court’s decision, this post is about how women are powerful beings in and of themselves! How a way of life became something “evil” when in reality no harm was done; therefore, making the “evil” argument [moot]. How a woman standing strong in her convictions, beliefs and rituals lead to her being a “witch” practicing -witchcraft-, all because she didn’t bow down to the new ‘man-in-charge’ mindset. How she was doing the “Devil’s” work because she was using herbal connections to treat ailments and reciting a different version of a [prayer] in the terms of a [spell]. Again, just words. Just words being put out into the universe with hopes of a positive change in some way. Just like a prayer…

My entire life I have been in love with and obsessed with the Salem Witch trials. The only time I ever got anything other than a C in 7th grade English, was when I got an A+ for my speech and deliverance about the trials. My passion and heart has always been there. In doing genealogy and other research, taking classes and whatnot; I have come to learn so much about myself, my Celtic heritage and why I feel so connected to the trials. Why I have been obsessed with all things “witchy” my entire life and wish Halloween was all day, every day. My soul is connected to the universe, it’s energy and everything from here to there.

If my calling upon the elements, my own higher power/spirit or the universe, my use of divination tools such as tarot cards or pendulums to help me unlock parts of my subconscious that may be hidden otherwise, my yearning to live an intentional life trusting in signs and following my intuition, my belief in the energetic vibrations that have been scientifically proven to manipulate other energetic vibrational waves of things around them (such as crystals), my belief and understanding behind the psychology, math and science that goes into not only tarot but also astrology, and how everyone is individually affected by the universe, our planets and the lunar phases… if all of that makes me a “>witch<” – then I bow down as the Enchantress that I am because the {only} thing that I am doing, is trying to be the BEST version of myself that I can be!!! You know that Disney or Christmas ‘magical’ feeling? That’s the feeling I want for myself everyday, so I only put positivity out there and look for the light within my shadows, so that I can live a life full of my own magick!!

Devon Cole sang it best when she said that a witch is a [Woman In Total Control of Herself!] <- uh, yeah! I’ll accept that title! ::check::

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9oazB7lWRw

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How it’ll be?

When reality hits, you’re knocked down and defeated
Caught up in a tidal wave of emotion
Slammed against a wall the wind knocked from your lungs
And you wonder… is this how it’ll be?

There is no turning back, no slowing down
You have to accept what is
While slamming hard on broken breaks
With hopes that maybe, just maybe
This is not how it’ll be…

Weakened and betrayed by what has always been strong
Just moving through the motions while being dragged along
Is it better to know the inevitable fate
You wonder… is this how it’ll be?

As a bystander you’re helpless unsure what to say or do
While the subject is even more helpless unsure of what to say or do
They’re both on their spectrums of what ifs and uncertainties
The battle between guilt and heartbreak is not a linear race
No one’s the winner, everyone loses
This can not be how it’ll be!

No, choose to stay positive, have hope and believe
It may be a difficult road to travel
But keep your head above the sea
Fighting back against every shed tear
You’ll find a new found strength that lights the way
That’s how it’ll be!

Stand strong in your light shining bright
Nothing can dim what can’t be unseen
Know that you’ve got this with love all around
Because no, that is not how it’ll be!

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Guilt, that nasty B.

“The measure of who we are is what we do with what we have.”
-Vince Lombardi

Anyone with chronic health conditions knows how much it sucks. It sucks for the patient both physically and mentally; yeah, that mental mind fuck of a rollercoaster is a bitch! No matter how many times you beg to get off, Joker is in the background with that horrid mischievous grin and his hands on the controls. But let’s be honest, it’s no walk in the park for those who love and support the individual suffering, either. And I say suffering because that’s exactly what it is. There may be good days but [life] is about -survival-. Hell, it is for everyone, not just those who are ill! Maybe Buddhists have it right by believing human life is about suffering! ::NodsHeadThinkinginAgreement:: As one who is chronically ill, I can assure you that the guilt you feel knowing that at any moment you could let someone down, is enough to not allow yourself the opportunity to do so. It’s easier to fold inwards and isolate. And yes, I do speak from experience. I also speak from experience from the other side as well, being a child with an ill mother.

Back in my initial blog about my mother [03.Mom] I made the comment that as a kid, I saw her either sick on the couch while at home with my brother and I, or out every weekend having fun with her best friend at the time. Obviously as I got older I understood and saw things drastically different, especially after becoming a mother to my own neurodivergent children [Twice Exceptional]. Girl needed a break!!! However, I never wanted this for my children! I never wanted to be the [“sick” mom on the couch] where my 6 year old has to ask every day at pick-up if Mom is sleeping or not. I never wanted for them to attend school events with mostly only their father because I wasn’t up for it. I never wanted to have to let my children down because of my health. But guess what? Chronic illness, being the bitch that she is, doesn’t give me a choice… ::blowssteam::

Yesterday I was reminded with a smack in the face about how unstable my life can be when it comes to my health. I had put my name in the hat and won the draw for being able to help out at the elementary school, helping the kinders tie dye shirts. I was SO excited when I saw the initial inquiry and almost cried when notified that I had been selected! Igor had also put his name in for chaperoning their one and only field trip taking place just two days before the last day of school. He, too, won! To say that Kb was beyond excited is an understatement! Seeing him happy knowing that we both wanted to be there and were both selected, was everything. <3

And then came the innocent question the night before… “But, what if you pass out before or aren’t feeling well?” with a quivering pouty lip. The heartache I saw behind his eyes shattered me at the thought of it! It took everything in me to smile and reassure him that I -would- be there!! He was nothing but smiles afterwards. The next morning I got up extra early so that I could shower and rest beforehand so that I wasn’t rushing and could conserve my energy. It was a damn good thing I did or else I don’t know if I could have pushed though; it was a rough morning. I had to have been flying high with adrenaline, it’s the only explanation. Kind of like when you have a big event or vacation – your body doesn’t [always] let you down until the hard crash at the end or upon return.

After getting ready I crawled into bed with my not-so-little baby boy and just snuggled him until he woke up. The first words out of his mouth, barely a whisper? “Are you ok today? Are you going?” ::breathes:: “Yes, baby boy, Mommy will be there! I promised you, you know I don’t make a promise I can’t keep!” <- Even if I had to be wheeled up there in a wheelchair, disheveled and grotesk, it didn’t matter what other parent volunteers may have thought of me, I was only there for my son. He would know that I [showed] up and >kept my promise< and that is more {important} than any opinion that isn’t even my business!! Fortunately for me, I was able to get ready, I was able to show up and even drive myself home in the rain after. (Igor had driven me up there and walked home so I could have the car, not knowing when I’d be done.) It was chaotic, very energetically draining but also incredibly rewarding. Not only was he happy, but he was -so- proud that I was there! When he got home from school he yelled that, “today was the BEST day everrrrr, because I got to see you!!!” ::fightsbacktears::

Yeah, having chronic health issues sucks. Letting anyone down sucks. Letting your children down? Probably the worst guilt ever! However, sometimes, having chronic health issues doesn’t show you the ugly truth that you believe it to be. No, sometimes it allows you to see and -feel- the gratitude for being able to follow through. Sometimes it reminds you how brittle time is and that embracing the good in the moment is truly the gift of life. So (at least for) today, I see it for what it really is; everything. <3

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21. Miracle Baby

“I was given such a great gift. It’s a miracle that never stops amazing me and reminding me to give thanks, every day.”
– Jake owen

With my {miracle baby} turning > s i x < less than a week ago, I can’t help but reflect on how he came to be. Though, if I’m being honest, both of my children are miracle babies. And no, I don’t mean in the whole ‘all babies are God’s miracles” way. I mean, it’s legitimately impressive that they’re here without [complication]!

See, we didn’t know it at the time, but when Igor went for his vasectomy we discovered he only had -one- of his vas deferens. A missing vas is usually associated with renal agenesis (the absence of one or both kidneys) / abnormalities and / or genetic mutations. The urologist said that he had never heard of it otherwise. So, Igor went off to get an ultrasound only to discover that he, too, is a zebra himself! <3

For those not part of the {chronic illness communities}, in medicine, the term “zebra” is used in reference to a rare disease or condition. Doctors are taught to assume that the simplest explanation is usually correct, to expect common conditions. The phrase taught to medical students throughout their training is, “When you hear the sound of hooves, think horses, not zebras.” However, many medical professionals seem to forget that “zebras” >DO< exist, so getting a diagnosis and treatment can be more difficult for sufferers of rare conditions, such as myself!! There is {no} explanation for why Igor only had one of his vas deferens, and seeing as the urologist was stumped himself, I declare my hubby a “zebra”, even if only an honorary one.

That said, the fact we didn’t end up with fertility treatments is the first miracle itself! I even got pregnant with Leighton on our first try. Our good friend Matt [Friendships pt. 2] likes to joke that Igor has -supersperm- as a result of Chernobyl. <- Which, may be in poor taste given that Chernobyl is considered the worst nuclear disaster in history… buuuut is it not {also} possible he may be right? ::joking;kindof:: Having Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome [06. HS/Diagnosis], I was at risk for a variety of complications, from not being able to maintain pregnancy or delivering prematurely, to hemorrhaging, especially due to my platelet disorder: Delta Granule Storage Pool Deficiency. According to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, DGSPD “is caused by a lack of dense granules and the chemicals normally stored inside them. Without these chemicals, platelets are not activated properly and the injured blood vessel does not constrict to help stop bleeding.” <- basically meaning, I’m a bleeder. I have to be honest and admit that while I knew about EDS {shout out to May being EDS awareness month!}, I didn’t truly understand it when it came to pregnancy, at the time I was pregnant with Leighton. We were concerned about premature labor but my obgyn was much more concerned about my bleeding and the potential need for a hysterectomy due to said bleeding.

As I mentioned in [Twice Exceptional], I had Leighton at 35 weeks+5 days. At 33w3d I was sent for a stress test and discovered I was in preterm labor. I guess I’m so used to pain that I didn’t even realize these were [decent] contractions and not just Braxton Hicks. After a few hours they decided to send me home but to keep an eye on my blood pressure and if contractions started up again to go back. In less than 24 hours I was back in and admitted for the night. We already knew that I was going to be having a c-section under general anesthesia because of my doctors’ fears over bleeding. They didn’t want to give me a spinal and cause more harm, only to have to put me under should there be an issue. The morning of the day he was born, my obgyn was concerned that I was going to end up in an emergency situation. She didn’t want to send me home only for me to come back to a busy ward without platelets on hand. She believed based on how I was progressing that I wouldn’t make it a week, and felt it was the safest, smartest option to deliver him that day, while there were two doctors to oversee it, she would be there (as it was her hospital day), and being morning they had fresh platelets on hand and could reserve them for me. That quickly became the scariest day of my life, up to that point! Like I said, we didn’t know enough back then but you better believe I did my research the second time around, because having a child under general anesthesia, not knowing if I was going to wake up with or without a uterus – or at all, miss the first cry, my husband not being allowed in the room, and so forth, >definitely< lead to birth trauma!! I felt so disconnected from Leighton, and honestly I still do. I don’t know if it’s from the trauma or his neurodivergence. I just know that I love him fiercely, but our bond is nothing like that of which Kellan and I have. Over the years there have been times it felt fake and forced and it breaks my heart to even admit it, but here I am… Telling my truth. The next miracle: being born at 35+5, at 6lbs 11oz – baby boy [never] spent -any- time in the NICU (which is good because he would have been transferred downtown to Detroit Children’s Hospital) and went home with me when I was released!!

Having a 2E child is challenging beyond words! With everything that we went through those first 3 years, we honestly didn’t know if we’d have a second child. We had always talked about having 2 and if they were both boys, we’d adopt a girl. Only in a “perfect” world, right? I shake my head at our naive young selves. It took until hearing the words, “you’re not ovulating” and “you may not be able to get pregnant again”, to realize how badly we actually wanted a second. Knowing that choice was essentially [possibly] taken from me, cut me. Deep.

Huh, just right now I realized, I think that I need to backtrack on my comment about not needing fertility treatment. My [naive] understanding of treatments was always so much more in-depth than just taking medication for ovulation induction (OI). After thinking about the fact that I >did< use oral medication to try and “re-boot” things, I decided to see what actually was considered ‘fertility treatment’. Lo and behold, OI is infact one of the first methods! Wow. You learn something new every day, and I’ll [never] stop learning anything I can. Knowledge is power, my friends! <- Which is why my 9 year old son knows about what is going on with the Supreme Court, at this moment in time. When he found out, his first reaction was to ask, “but what about if the mother’s life is in danger?” Oh my heart, sweet boy. I’m not going to go on a pro-whatever- tangent, I just think it’s incredible while also very sad, that this {child} understands it’s >not< a black and white situation – and he is very much a black and white type of person!

I did two “cycles” and viola, I started ovulating again. Seven months later, I was never happier to see two pink lines! From about 6-8 weeks I had to have regular blood work due to what is medically coded as a “threatened abortion.” <- Because that’s always fun to see on paper when you desperately want that child. And just so we’re clear and there is no misunderstanding, a threatened abortion means :possible miscarriage:. Also during those weeks, I had to use vaginal suppositories daily. I share this because 1) this is my truth and 2) [awareness] as I had -never- heard of anything like it before. I had to get them from a special compound pharmacy, as well. The whole point of my blog is to help others, right? There should be no shame in discussing women’s reproductive health; so ::sorrynotsorry:: if you found that uncomfortable.

It was very evident from the start that I needed to see a [high-risk] ob/gyn, again, only this time my doctor recommended that I head to UofM, completely out of her “network”. Hell I wasn’t going to argue, you want the best of the best, right? Man am I grateful I did!! See, it was at UofM where I discovered that even with my bleeding disorder, hematology cleared me for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), shall my other doctors agree! Missing Leighton’s birth caused a lot of trauma and I wanted more than anything to have a natural birth! More. Than. Anything! Having an epidural was more of a risk to me due to bleeding, plus it puts you at greater risk for needing an emergency c-section, which would again result in me likely being put under. Nope! I didn’t want to risk any of it so I started practicing hypnobirthing. I had my essential oils picked out, I had my music prepared and had been going through all the prompts with my mother as she was going to be my coach though it. She is my calm, which, duh? Of course she is, she’s my mom!

My team of high-risk OB’s couldn’t give me a definitive answer of course, but they knew it’s what I wanted and it was listed as my birth plan from day one! At 21 weeks I started progesterone shots to help prevent preterm labor, but had to stop after 2 weeks. At this point I hadn’t been diagnosed with PMDD, so I didn’t know that those added doses of progesterone would cause me to spiral downward, fast! That was the first time (that I knew of for certain) where hormonal depression kicked my ass! I mean, I figured I was a mess when taking the pills for OI because it was meant to shake things up, I just didn’t realize they were a contributing factor. Nor did I realize that what I was feeling with the suppositories wasn’t just [normal] “pregnancy hormones” with the added stress of a -possible- miscarriage. Nope, as it turns out, my body doesn’t handle progesterone well. I didn’t discover until after I was diagnosed with PMDD, that natural progesterone levels are at their highest right after ovulation, which is exactly when I start struggling; <- explains a whole lot as to why any time I was on birth control, I also ended up on anti-depressants! So, not being able to take the shots meant more visits and added ultrasounds as once again, I was at a higher risk of losing the pregnancy, not just going into preterm labor. Yay me…

Around 28 weeks baby boy was thriving! He was in the 67th percentile, so it was really up in the air as to if I’d be able to have a VBAC. If he continued to stay far ahead the closer to term that I got, my chances for the natural delivery that I wanted would drop lower and lower. By 34 weeks he had dropped to the 29th percentile, which, in retrospect should have been questioned more, but they viewed him as healthy and my chances looked bright. I only knew he dropped as I started going into preterm labor and had 2 ultrasounds that week alone to monitor him. At 36 weeks with a 5+ hour trip to labor and delivery, they were convinced he was coming that night. After walking the hospital for 2 hours, things weren’t progressing enough so they sent me home, even though my contractions had been consistent for 2 weeks and powerful enough to be considered ‘active labor’ that night… until they stopped. All of a sudden, out of nowhere. <- again, in retrospect one would think there’d be a little more concern but my fluids were intact and all seemed [fine]. Cool? As I mentioned in [15. Twenty-Two] Kellan was almost born on his father -and- my father’s birthday. He was also close to being born on my mother-in-law’s. <- Thankfully he wasn’t, no offense, but if he’s not sharing the day with my husband and my father, Kb deserves his own day just for him! Which he got, when my water broke the very next morning.

When we first got to the hospital everything was progressing as it should. I got hooked up to monitors and was super stoked that the outcome of having a VBAC looked promising! Then… literally out of nowhere like the flip of a switch, nurses came barreling in. I was flipped onto all fours, given oxygen, and my doctor did a quick exam (I think?) as they were wheeling me to the operating room, before Igor or myself could even ask what was happening. Within a matter of seconds I was on the OR table and hooked up to monitors again. I just remember not getting to kiss Igor goodbye as we both had tears in our eyes, without a clue as to why the situation was so emergent. During transport my doctor mentioned that they had [-lost-] fetal heart tones for the last 10 minutes!! <- Are you fucking kidding me?! TEN MINUTES?! Isn’t the >whole< point of being hooked up to monitors in the first place, to assure things like that doesn’t happen? Who the hell wasn’t doing their job monitoring me from the nurses’ stand? 10 minutes? GTFO!

Once lying flat on the OR table and hooked up again, they allowed Igor to enter the room. Adam, one of the senior residents (I don’t know what his official year/title was at the time) sat with me and finally explained what was going on. They didn’t know for sure what happened, but at that time I was stable and baby boy was stable. They weren’t sure if he had moved and went into distress or if I unknowingly moved the monitor not realizing. Whatever the case, it shouldn’t have taken 10 minutes to notice!!! Arg. Anyway, after about 45 minutes of monitoring us he felt comfortable enough to let -me- make the decision on whether or not I wanted to have an elective c-section or return to my room and continue with my original birth plan.

See, what makes or breaks a good doctor is truly their bedside manor. You can be brilliant but if you’re a jerk, your ego will get in the way eventually and it wouldn’t be surprising if you face a lawsuit or two+. Adam listened to me. I explained my previous birth trauma and how important certain things were to me. Like delayed cord cutting, Igor actually being able to cut the cord, skin to skin immediately after birth and most importantly – to be awake and hear his first cry!! He knew how badly I wanted to try laboring naturally and allowed me the [choice] without any pressure (How it should be!). He asked if I wanted to speak with an anesthesiologist first to hear my options shall the need for an emergency cesarean arise. He stood next to me holding my hand while I cried unsure of what to do. Ultimately being awake was [the] most -important- thing so we all agreed that while I wasn’t getting an epidural, pre-placing a catheter in the event I needed to be rushed down again, would give me the best odds at not being put under, as they could pump what was needed during transport. 

They had Igor step out as they placed and tested the catheter for proper placement. They told him it would only be a few minutes so he could go back to my room and wait for me to come back. Only… things didn’t go as planned… AT ALL! Again, within a matter of seconds I was back on my back as they prepared to get Kb out of me as quickly as possible. When they tested the placement his heart rate went from 187 to 58 almost instantly. Adam had previously addressed how important it was for me to be awake with all of those involved, so the nurse anesthetist told me that they’re doing everything they can, but to understand that in order to stay awake they needed to overdose me to work as quickly as possible. Pretty sure all I did was blink and I went from having fluid dripping into my spine to, “Jena can you feel that?” “Prepare for the baby to be out in 90 seconds.” I remember yelling, “Wait, what?! Where’s my husband? My husband has to be here; he can’t miss this! Where is my husband?” as tears streamed down my face. Everything happened so fast that Igor entered the operating room {JUST} as they were pulling Kellan out of me. Igor thought fast on his feet and grabbed his camera when whoever went to get him and started taking pictures as the OR doors opened. The first thing he saw was baby boy literally halfway out of me! ::phew:: He just kept snapping, I don’t even know if he was looking through the viewfinder or just holding it while he pressed the button but he at least got to see it… kind of.

Unfortunately delayed cord cutting wasn’t an option, however Adam made sure to leave it long enough to get [some] benefit as well as allowing Igor to “cut the cord”. My sweet baby came out blue; I of course didn’t know this at the time but it sure seemed like it took forever to hear his first little high pitched cry! He was whisked away to be checked over and then brought over to me and placed on my chest right there in the OR for immediate skin to skin! I am not sure how normal that is, as I’ve only ever seen photos of proud dads holding a wrapped baby next to Mama’s head. The problem is, I was legitimately numb to my neck and he kept rooting upwards towards my shoulders. They weren’t kidding when they said they needed to overdose me. The nurse had to keep adjusting him until he finally found what he wanted and started nursing.::awwmybebe:: And nursing did he ever! Pretty sure I made cream as he was already above birth weight at his first doctor’s appointment. They typically say by 2 weeks babies should have reached their birth weight as they lose weight while in the hospital. He weighed 5lbs 15oz at birth, left the hospital at 5lbs 7oz and was 6lbs 2oz by 5 days old!! ::whaaat?!::

Remember when I said he had dropped from the 67th percentile at 28 weeks to the 29th at 34 weeks? At 38w5d he was born barely making the 2nd percentile. Later that night after walking the halls, I returned to my room to find the MFM attending doctor waiting for me. He explained that had I attempted natural laboring, both myself and Kellan may not have made it. If you recall in [06. HS/Diagnosis] I explained how EDS affects the organs, as it’s a connective tissue defect. As it turns out, all of the complications and near miscarriages were a result of a faulty placenta. I was never actually told what exactly was faulty about it but that he was malnourished towards the end of my pregnancy. He was healthy, but it makes sense why he ate around the clock for a while. My uterus was so thin along my previous cesarean scar that it basically ruptured on its own as surgery was being performed. <- Whoa! That explains why the OR looked like a crime scene in the pictures… ::ShiftsEyesSidetoSide:: I was in a controlled environment and they were prepared, whereas if I tried laboring, there is no question that I would have hemorrhaged and it would have been that much more serious. Obviously doctors cannot [tell] you what you can and cannot do, but he made it -very- clear that getting pregnant again would put my life even more at risk. He told me that if I was his daughter he’d tell me, “it’s not worth it and to not get pregnant again!” Roger that!

Adam, or rather now, Dr. Baruch, clinical assistant professor, will >always< hold a special place in my heart!! I know I didn’t go into detail over just how much he was there for me but I will never forget him! He even came to check on me after his shift had ended and he heard what the attending had to say. I am not the person to walk up to someone off the street and say something, however, about 18 months later I apparently became that person. Ha. Igor and I were in downtown Ann Arbor and saw Adam in a store. I was so SO nervous and hesitant but I -knew- that I [had] to say something; I not only literally survived because of him, but I also survived a very traumatic experience without the mental trauma effects. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about his sincerity and how lucky future mamas will be, to be under his care! Also, you know you’re getting older when the doctor who performs surgery is younger than you. Oy.