“It’s all about new me.” – Lity Munshi
I know I left you hanging and I do apologize; but if I hadn’t broken these up that blog entry would have been doubled the size of any other entry, and from what my husband has said, entries aren’t supposed to be >that< long. Though this is still long AF… ::shrugsshoulders::
So what were my 3 intentions that I wanted to change while I worked through Holistic Witchery?
Initially I wanted to change the way that I think about myself and the way I feel about how I handle life with 2E [Twice Exceptional] children, especially Leighton being neurodivergent. However, as I got thinking and working, I realized it’s not about -how- I think about myself but -why- I feel the way I do. Which also made me realize that it’s more that I needed to change the way I think in terms of Leighton. And then for my surroundings was an easy/obvious one after the chaos of Covid. I need to get my home back in order, I needed to get organized in every way possible!! But the question was, what did they all have in common that I could use as one intention to focus on?
The answer: Balance!!
You see, I’ve never felt comfortable doing things by myself. Going to a store without another adult/peer, I felt that I didn’t belong. My senses were on high alert and I felt disoriented. Even being out with my children just didn’t feel right. I would get anxious even just being in my front yard alone, which left me inside, anti-social and my landscaping neglected. Plenty of neighbors are outside with their kids or doing yardwork and I just couldn’t with them there, without someone else with me. Of course these are not rational feelings, which is why I figured out it’s not a matter of thinking but a matter of why. Why do I feel this way? What causes me to feel so drastically different doing something alone vs. with another adult? I thought maybe it was a confidence thing, like how I hate talking on the phone because of my processing disorder. I lose my train of thought, can’t get the right words out and sound like a babbling bimbo. The deep rooted shadow of “not being good enough” seemed to fit. Although, I have come to see that this is more of a problem with my generation as a whole. We grew up in the era of online chatting and texting for communication. The anxiety is there for almost everyone in one way or another, therefore, lack of confidence is too surface level to be the [real] shadow.
No, the real issue at bay, which in a way could be lack of confidence I suppose, is the lack of {believing} in myself. <- I know that sounds rather surface level as well, but here’s where the deep “AH HA” comes in. As I explained in [06.HS/Diagnosis], I was really sick as a teenager. I couldn’t do things on my own, whether it was because it was dangerous or I simply just couldn’t physically. I woke up too many times in a bathtub filled with cold water when I was just trying to shower. I didn’t know when I was going to end up face first on the ground or hitting my head hard enough for a concussion from dropping. It. Wasn’t. Safe. Over the years my health has been up and down, especially through hormonal transitions from pregnancies, nursing, weaning, etc. With all of my deep diving through Holistic Witchery, I realized that somewhere in my subconscious I have been stuck between being a healthy, capable adult and the bedridden teenager I once was. ::BAM::mindblown:: I have been “sick” most of my life but after getting a diagnosis 17 years ago, I’ve done enough research and am in tune enough with my body, that I know when I’m [really] sick vs. just not pushing hard enough. <- and I HATE to say it that way but it’s true. However, it’s not about fear of pushing myself too hard but rather… at all in some cases.
I came to the conclusion that I have been using past experiences as a crutch. The fear of something happening while out on my own, is my lack of {belief} in myself. The lack of trusting that I know myself well enough by now to know if I really will be okay. With this, also comes my lack of driving. Yes, there are absolutely days and stretches of time when I cannot get behind the wheel. It wouldn’t be safe for me or anyone else. But that lack of belief in myself rings true here, with the help of anxiety and a side of PTSD. After the car accident [12. Life Detour] I was left with PTSD, I mean who wouldn’t after experiencing what I went through? Although, I was able to overcome it and drive regularly again, until I wasn’t. When I hit longer stretches of being sick, I know I’m not well enough to drive. However, I have also concluded that I use being sick as a crutch to also allow anxiety and deep rooted PTSD to keep me from going out and/or driving. This is where the lack of pushing myself hard enough and/or at all comes into play. There are days that may be [iffy] as to whether or not I should drive, but those ‘iffy’ days are a wide spectrum of gray, and more so lean towards the ability to vs. ability not to. Deep down I probably already knew this, but a shadow is a shadow and buried deep for a reason!
Since this revelation? I have driven myself to meet up with Mom#2 [07. Ode to My Mentors] for tea, I have taken the kids and myself to my dad’s pool, taken both boys to Menards by myself, taken Leighton to a doctor’s appointment, myself to a doctor’s appointment and a few curbside pickups. I’m sure there are probably a few other smaller things, like to my mom’s, but these alone are huge! Prior to this summer, I could count on my hands the number of times I drove from the Fall/Winter of 2017 to this Summer… it’s fkin sad. Don’t get me wrong, there were >definitely< periods of [long] stretches where I really was -too- sick, but looking back now, I can see where there were days I likely could have driven but fear got in the way. Now, did it feel weird AF driving and being out? Absolutely! Did I still feel like I didn’t belong and disoriented while at Menards with the kids? Absolutely! And I know that it will for a long while, if not forever, honestly. But that’s okay! I found the {why}, therefore I know that the only thing holding me back is myself – and I don’t want to anymore!! I KNOW that I AM [capable]! I am finding the balance between being that sick teenager and the healthy, capable adult.
Now for changing the way I think about how I deal with Leighton. If that even makes sense? As I’ve already explained in [Twice Exceptional], having 2E children is no walk in the park, especially when they’re neurodivergent. My mother has always praised me for how I deal with/handle Leighton and his “episodes”. I try my best but I won’t lie that it’s hard AF and beyond exhausting. It has challenged my marriage and my mental health. As a mother it breaks my heart to even say this, but our relationship seemed [forced] out of obligation at times. After nearly 10 years I found myself just feeling more and more negative towards him, even though I knew it wasn’t his fault. Yes, he may be a master manipulator, but at the end of the day he is still neurodivergent.
As I worked through Holistic Witchery I knew I needed to work on myself in order to change my mindset around him. He is very science minded, black and white, and if he can’t see it to prove and/or explain it, he doesn’t believe it. We already know Igor [14. Forever & Always] doesn’t believe in -any- of this, even though the science IS there. He just doesn’t understand it. Ha ha. That said, let’s talk about crystals for a moment. Science has proven that -everything- has different vibrational frequencies, right? And that energy can be manipulated based on those different frequencies. So wouldn’t it just be a scientific fact that an object radiating a certain level of energy could manipulate your own frequencies? And with that said, wouldn’t it make sense that different crystals, with their own different frequencies, could affect one self? Sounds simple enough to me… Do I believe that crystals can cure things over medical intervention? No. Do I believe that crystals can change your emotions or mindset, put up a ‘shield’ to protect your own energy from taking on others around you, or aid in the healing of certain ailments? Yes. Is it possible that it is just a placebo effect? Absolutely. Is there anything wrong with that if it helps someone become the best version of themself? Absolutely not!
Being the ever so inquisitive child that he is, obviously he wanted to know more about what I was learning and how things worked. About two years ago he was interested in tarot but Igor and I agreed that I’d take a step back from teaching him about it, as he wasn’t fully grasping the psychology behind it. He saw it as cut and dry and took everything at face value. Now that he’s older he’s understanding things differently. In fact Igor joked that I broke our child because he was able to explain how people born on the same day, at the same location and time could have different astrological birth charts, because they’re not in the exact same location in terms of degrees. I laughed so hard because that was [not] something I had taught him; I actually hadn’t spoken to him about astrology at all before that! He then went on to discuss how there are actually 13 Zodiacs and a whole bunch of other space knowledge. <- In case you missed it, he’s been obsessed with all things -space- for over 5 years, when he decided he wanted to be an actual rocket engineer. His dream is to help put man on Mars and my goodness I’m sure he will!
Anyway, as I learned more about honing in on my intuition, Leighton started to notice and understand that he too is [sensitive] and really connected. Which has been hard for him because he doesn’t understand how he just >knows< things. He is stuck between logic and feeling and still trying to figure out what it is that he believes himself. Which is perfectly fine, he knows both mine and his father’s views, and all we can do is explain why we believe what we do and let him figure it out for himself. Suficeive to say that his clairsentience and claircognizance are strengthening and it’s difficult to navigate when both parents aren’t on board. He absolutely hates whenever he hears about, reads or sees someone getting hurt. He could never explain why until this summer… As it turns out, he physically >feels< the pain that someone else is enduring, even just fictional characters in a book or movie. Talk about taking emath to the next level! He has also described things that he sees such as auras and colored symbols. Being the science guy that he is, he didn’t believe the thought behind crystals either. Of course, it doesn’t help when his dad bashes it. BUT, I knew he was struggling. The more my “powers” unlocked, his did too. Even Kellan has been bringing things up out of the blue lately that are spot on without any way of knowing. I think it’s safe to say that the energy within our household is definitely changing.
One day the light bulb inside my head went off. I realized that it wasn’t the way I think about him or handling his episodes, it was about helping him take control for himself. Through therapy and everything in the book, nothing helped in terms of coping mechanisms. So, I decided to try a different approach. For those who don’t know crystals, black tourmaline is believed to be one of the best protection stones. It helps shield your energy from negative getting in or positive getting out. If that’s too ::woo woo:: for you, think of it in terms of vibrational frequencies. It helps keep you neutral without being affected. I bought a couple different tumbled stones and told him to feel them, really truly pay attention to his mind, body and soul. He could take one and walk away, try a different one. Just see if he notices anything different among them. <- That was the day Leighton became a believer. He couldn’t get over how dark and heavy one stone made him feel or how light and airy the other did. He felt a sense of calm he’d never experienced before and his whole mindset changed. In fact, he had been afraid of “witches” ever since his second grade teacher read The Witches during class. Like, legit nightmares for years. When I started Holistic Witchery and some pathways in Enchanted Journey, I learned more historical backgrounds and tried educating him. That was when I started saying that I was a witch – trying to show him that how they’re portrayed in books and movies is simply false narratives. My doing so was more to help ease his fear from the book but it completely changed his mind about everything he thought in terms of the subject.
This summer we took a family trip to Traverse City with my dad and Brian. Before leaving for the trip I mentioned that there was a crystal store that we’d go to where he could pick out his own crystals. Something that he feels drawn to, to keep him safe. While the black tourmaline made him feel better, everyone has different frequencies remember? Therefore, different stones work differently for different people. To my surprise there was a new “witchy” store that had just opened a few months prior. I was SO excited to pick up supplies but also for Leighton to experience it. Igor and Kellan were bored as can be and left us there, but Leighton? Leighton lit up like a Christmas tree! You could just see the spark within him. He did the same thing with a few tumbled stones there and ended up picking out snowflake obsidian (similar to black tourmaline while also bringing balance between the mind, body and spirit.) and lapis lazuli, which is also a protective stone but also brings about confidence with self awareness and expression, and deep inner peace. After we left with some awesome goodies I asked him what he thought. He LOVED it and felt like he [belonged]!! He can’t wait to visit another metaphysical store and has already asked a few times when we’d be going. Oh my sweet child, you are my baby boy! Ha, ha. Things between us started changing and getting good early in the program but after visiting that store, everything changed for us. We now have this connection that isn’t forced and I genuinely want to spend time with him; and I even look forward to snuggling at night, which was something I used to dread. Yeah, I’d say this intention for change is checked off.
Next we have changing my surroundings. Just one look around the house and it was super obvious what needed to be done. EveRythINg! Though it wasn’t just my house, it was my life in general. Due to being sick for so long prior to Covid, and then having the kids home for a year and a half, everything got turned upside down. As I’m sure it did with most everyone. I used to have a daily/monthly/yearly cleaning schedule but all of that went out the window. It was too hard to keep up with, with everyone home and no one helping. Plus my major PMDD spiral [Awakening] at the end of summer 2020. Life had just been a mess. Which is exactly why I started this blog and joined TSE: I didn’t want others to feel alone, but at the same time, I realized through the community at TSE, that I myself am not alone. I’m telling ya, the community alone is worth it, haha.
But seriously. I needed organization in my life more than ever! I made myself a daily schedule that has a timeline for myself to get certain things done, an area for daily gratitude, an affirmation, and then extra notes or things to remember to do. I also made myself a new daily/monthly/yearly cleaning schedule that would better fit life these days. I made both of them pretty, and colorful, and they bring me such joy when I see them. Heck, I even laminated them and bought wet erase markers. Yup, getting my surroundings balanced was underway, but I was just getting started!
Igor and I had always talked about things we wanted to get done around the house, updating wise, but after 9 years nothing was getting done. Literally. Landscaping did but we didn’t have a choice. <- I kid you not, my house is a hot spot for trees being taken out by mother nature. Which is ironic as we ourselves have removed 9 from the front yard and 3 in the back. Mother nature took it upon herself to strike 2 trees right next to each other with lighting, a few years apart. Lightning doesn’t strike the same place twice, huh? I have proof otherwise. Unless you’re going to be like Leighton and argue for the sake of trying to prove me wrong, because it wasn’t the “exact spot”. ::rolleyes:: But seriously, in the back 3 full trees and 2 separate half trees have been knocked down. Then the city removed one in front due to disease and just this past week half of another tree was hit by lightning in front. WTF is going on? Michigan isn’t supposed to have this crazy weather!! Oh wait, hi global warming. ::shakeshead::
Anyway, sorry, I didn’t mean to go on a tangent about trees and the weather. Just needless to say landscaping was a necessity. But you know, homeownership is for the birds. And yes, I am about to go on another tangent because this is my reality. You have a problem, try to fix said problem, the problem still exists. Then a new problem appears which ultimately leads to needing remodeling work done, which leads to discovering [new] problems, which leads to more remodeling and so forth. It’s a stupid cycle! If you don’t own a home, don’t do it. Just don’t. You’ll thank me one day…
Okay, so the second tangent goes with my changing the surroundings to a point. Like I said, we had plans to update our house but just never did, cause you know – money. The one thing that I wanted done first was new flooring in the kitchen and family room, and Igor wanted new kitchen countertops. Which, I don’t blame him, they really were horrible! Our master bath’s are also horrible but I am ok with the cheap fix with contact paper for now. Err.. well, ever, because priorities have certainly changed as of this summer. ANYwho. So, last fall we noticed our kitchen cabinets were starting to fall apart. We thought maybe some was due to water damage since we got a new roof in 2019 due to leaking. Turns out it wasn’t damaged but rather just junk. Our cabinets literally started to crumble. In fact, as Igor was removing one it all came apart and the shelves slammed down onto his head. ::sadfaces:: In March of this year we decided to go with a new Ikea kitchen. I designed it, we met with a member at the store, had their guy come measure but we sat on it. Igor couldn’t decide between a wall oven with a cooktop or a new range all together. I personally would have been fine with the range but whatevs. So for a few more months we played around with designs until I had enough.
Since Igor had to work my mom took me to Ikea to meet with a new kitchen specialist, to assure that our design was going to work and finalize everything. If you hadn’t already figured out that I am a person who second guesses everything and hates to make decisions, then I’d say you’re not actually reading my blog posts. But do you know what my new found confidence from TSE allowed me to do? I bought the damn cabinets!! Igor was in a meeting and I couldn’t get a hold of him and I just did it. > I < made the decision! Nevermind the fact that as soon as I sat in the car, I had to stick my head out of the door to throw up, right there in the parking lot. ::hidesInshame:: I have never had that happen before, ever! I didn’t even realize that my nerves were so heightened but it makes sense. My mom said that she had never seen me so composed, unanxious – I was like a completely different person going through that purchasing process. I’m sure you know what I mean when your parents tell you they’re proud of you, it’s just like “yeah, okay, thanks.” <- or maybe you don’t. I am sorry to assume; I know that I am very fortunate to have such a supportive family and that not everyone hears their parents tell them they’re proud of them. I think [my] parents have told my husband how proud of him they are more than his own ever have. Please know that I don’t take those words for granted, all I’m saying is, that day I {really} -felt- her words!!
When we went to Ikea in March they told us it could take 12-18 weeks to get all of our cabinets delivered/in stock. And when we met with countertop places they said it would be 4-8 weeks -after- the countertops were installed. WHaa??? I think that’s why we sat on it. It just seemed like the process would take forever and we’d be living in a nightmare. Little did I know, after ordering the cabinets the bulk of the order was able to be delivered less than 2 weeks later. Maybe that added to my getting sick in the parking lot, because it just got real, real fast! So they were delivered and I went to town building the bases of them. Out of 30 cabinets, I had all but maybe 6 completed within a week and a half. I was ready to get the ball roooolling. Problem was, we had no idea who would do the actual installing. We hadn’t found our countertops or flooring either. Hello stress overload, not so nice to meet you again.
My father in law is the kind of guy who [knows a guy] for everything. Being in that Ukrainian/Russian speaking network has its perks… to a point. Both of his guys said they couldn’t do the full projects until the Fall. So, I also went to town on disassembling the kitchen to help speed things up and hopefully make it cheaper for when we hired someone else. Buuuut my FIL wasn’t having it and convinced one of his guys that it wouldn’t be that big of a project, just come in and hang the cabinets. OMG did I feel terrible for him, he was so manipulated and I had no idea. My FIL also convinced his other guy to send one of his employees to do the flooring. What should have been a 2 day project turned into a 5 day project and a second guy was brought in for days 3-5. ::oyy:: This is where the point of why you shouldn’t be a homeowner comes into play. Upon removal of the carpet in the family room, we discovered that our door to the deck, one we NEVER use, was rotting on the inside from water damage. We knew the outside was an issue and that getting new windows was the only option to fix it. Which we planned to do, but again, money.,, one income household of 4 and a cat. So, we needed to remove the subfloor, bleach the heck out of everything structural to remove any built up mildew, and spray a ton of anti-mold stuff or something like that. All I know is the family room was tapped off with plastic for almost 24 hours. Now the pressure is back on to try to find someone for windows asap. We met with 3 companies last year but again, sat on it. And now with inflation it’s a nightmare! Remember when I said it would take 4-6 weeks for countertops? Yeah, I dreaded that process most of all! BUT in actuality, the whole process took less than two weeks, thankfully!! It took 8 FULL days broken up over the span of 4 weeks to get all of our cabinets installed, plus lighting and electrical replaced. And that’s just bases installed. Igor and I have been spending most of our free time building all of the drawers, installing them, installing doors, and adding hardware for like 2 weeks now and it’s still not done! So. Many. Drawers… Not to mention they messed up and sent us things we don’t need and left out some things we do. Cool.
::Breath::
I honestly have no idea when the kitchen will actually get painted, backsplash installed, or the decorative stips on the cabinets will be installed, but it’s getting there. I am SO excited to start the organizing process of the new drawers and everything! I got plastic bins and containers so I can ditch the boxes. We had to get all new cookware for the new induction cooktop, that I chose [purple] to match what the kitchen -will- be! Yes, I will have a purplish kitchen, and yes am I excited. Ha, ha. <- So alas, I legit changed my surroundings in the form of designing a kitchen that’ll better fit our needs, and allow me to keep things better organized.
I really am in such an amazing place, mindset wise! I am confident. I am capable. I am balanced. I am courageous. I am not afraid of failing, as it’s just lessons learned. I am not allowing my comfort zone to hold me hostage. I am thriving. AND I am [employed]! YES, yes you did read that correctly!!
Remember the last post where I mentioned that I reached out to -The Sisters Enchanted- and asked for a job flat outright? About that… as I’ve already mentioned, I went into this with a goal in mind: to work on myself and figure out a way to make money. At one point earlier this summer, I thought that maybe I’d get more into tie dying and sell some work, which, I guess is still a possibility. The kitchen remodel kind of took over my whole summer and so many plans went out the window. But, that is okay!! My heart is with what TSE has to offer and in just 4 months, they must have seen it as well! I {legit} worked my >own magic< and manifested a job for myself!! WHAT!? Yeah, that scared woman in limbo is no more. It has only been a week since I started as an independent contractor, working in Customer Service and Student Support with a little Operations on the side. AND I COULDN’T LOVE IT MORE!! I am just so happy to be a part of the vision that Sara Walka created! I have also been entrusted as the group “Mom” for one of their smaller, most intimate groups. It is my job to keep them engaged and encouraged, with all the love, light and support I can give! I have found my purpose! It’s still so surreal considering it’s been almost 11 years since I stopped working at the urgent care, and have been a SAHM ever since! Nothing is coincidence, it was Taurus’ New Moon where I set my financial intentions, and by the end of Taurus’ Full Moon cycle, I will have completed the ‘90’ day trial that I was initially set up with. But the funny thing is, after only one week, they’re all already talking about long term plans and using “when” instead of “if”. Yeah, I think this is going to work well for us all! <3
And on that note: If you are interested in checking out what TSE is about and how they can help you, help yourself, to become the best version of yourself that you can be – they/we? (OMG, it is we!) are hosting a 5 day workshop called, Magic Week, where you’ll walk away knowing your Expansion Archetype, with a sense of how to manifest and live a magical life based on your individual result. It all starts October 7th and if you’re interested, or would even like to just read more about it, you can do so here: The Sisters Enchanted’s Magic Week workshop.
I am telling you, it is never too late and AlwAys worth it, to invest in yourself!!! And no, I promise you this blog hasn’t just become an add for TSE and I wont be throwing promotions at you left and right. I just really believe in what they’re all about! ::nodshead::
Love, light and hugs to all!