Tag: The Sisters Enchanted

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180°; still me.

“I recognize that a journey never ends, You think it’s over but the then it all starts again.” – Thomas Gold

So, I know that it has been forever and a day since I last wrote and/or made an entry, but today I felt inspired. Although, as I am sitting here I am drawing a blank for words. I see on my list of topics to discuss that I have my breastfeeding journey, postpartum, and PMDD still listed; though I am certain that I’ve written about the above in some capacity or another, at some point. But quite honestly, I just don’t have the desire to look back and see, so.. I won’t be citing other entries today.

Going down the path of rediscovery, finding The Sisters Enchanted – my life truly has taken a 180 in such a short amount of time. I knew that telling my story and being able to help others is what I am meant to be doing. That’s why I started this blog after all… I didn’t want anyone to have to feel alone. Then I came across a community that changed everything.

Don’t get me wrong, writing is still a passion of mine, just my time for it has dwindled. I haven’t made it a priority because that feeling of fulfillment that I always get from writing, I achieve almost everyday just doing my job! Not to mention, being >thee< customer service person and student support, I am writing every day while in communication with students and community members. I am able to share bits and pieces of my story, helping [right] in the moment.

I was recently a guest on our Expedition to Soul podcast at work, and it was that experience, plus a recent reading I had with a fellow community member that led me to this entry. If you’re interested in hearing my podcast episode you can do so [clicking here] or, if you’d prefer to watch the video version you can [click here]. Oh heck while I’m at it – if you’re interested in having a reading by one of our verified coaches/readers, Sharon Blue of Blue Empress Tarot is your girl!

When I watch my podcast episode I am flooded with a mix of emotions, as I not only -see- who I am today – I also don’t know that I truly recognize her, either. Yes, I am without question not the same person that I was a year ago, but if I’m being honest, I don’t know that I really am the same person with that same confidence that I was last August when I asked for a job and got it. I had finally gotten my shit together, got a job and then boom. All of my progress, all of my plans – out the window. I replaced being sick and using it as a crutch to now putting everything into my job and not being able to get anything else done. 

Now, yes, I have to remember that I did finally end up catching Covid before Christmas and yes, it was my greatest fear that it would cause a major setback and flair up… which, I thank my lucky stars that science is a thing and that I had had 4 vaccine doses by then, so my outcome didn’t turn out even worse! But… I did in fact have a flair up and it set me back. Not only did it set me back physically, but mentally as well. See, while sick with Covid I missed quite a few of my normal doses of medication, resulting in another PMDD spiral. NOT AS bad as 2020, but it wasn’t good. I knew the cause, I knew that it was because my meds were unregulated and I held hope that in 1-2 months things would be good again. Things did clear up some but it’s taking longer than I’d like. Without fail, each month when my progesterone rises, my serotonin plummets. <- Right now as I write this, it is one of those times. I also can’t forget that I am anemic and I suck at remembering to take my iron. Exhaustion doesn’t even begin to describe my inability to stay awake at different times throughout the month. Plus allergy season? Lets not forget that after a good solid 9+ months I was [not] full on passing out… then Covid happened. And the loss of remaining consciousness started up again. That confidence of getting out of the house and doing things by myself knowing that I was safe, is no longer there because I know that I’m not. The anxiety is slowly creeping back, anchoring itself, reminding me of the past yet again. BUT I have a job! I AM able to work! But that’s about it. The fear of letting my team down is there, beneath my belief in my ability to do the job. It’s  the ugly shadow that I have to continuously face time and time again.

But under it alI; I [know]… > I AM CAPABLE! <

Now, some more real talk… Breastfeeding is hands down one of the most rewarding, yet most challenging aspects during the first stages of motherhood. There is so much pressure and stigma involved, calling it an emotional roller coaster doesn’t do it justice. In fact, I can honestly say that I have never sacrificed so much of myself, more than I did for my Littles during our nursing journeys! I gave up my medication, sacrificing my own health and fought daily for their benefit. From the inability to latch due to premature birth and exclusively pumping for months, to dietary restrictions, lack of sleep, and even extending past the first year- not to mention it’s no secret the hardships we faced when it came to food/eating with the both of them. Simply put, breastfeeding is hard; one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Sure, as time went on and we got into routine it got easier, but still hard AF nonetheless! But you know what? I have zero regrets! It gave me purpose; I am eternally grateful that I was able to do that and provide them both with the nutrients they needed for as long as they did, which just so happened to be 15.5 months for L and 26.5 months for K! However, there’s one thing that needs to be discussed, because unfortunately, before it happened to me, I wasn’t aware it was a thing… post nursing blues, anxiety and depression. As real as postpartum depression is, ending nursing blues is just as real and hard. Oh my goodness is it awful! I experienced it with both, and much, much worse this second time around. Weaning Kellan took almost 4 months and it was my own personal hell. If you or someone you know may be experiencing it, your/their feelings are valid, and they’re real!  A mother’s love is like no other, our strength has no limits! 

I had been holding onto old frozen breastmilk with dreams of having a ring/pendant made of mixed milk from my breastfeeding journeys. I, being the procrastinator that I am, haven’t done a thing with it and Kellan will be 7 next month. Our basement freezer stopped working and I could only “save” so much. Instead of feeling heartbroken I decided to have a milk bath last week, releasing any and all trauma I’ve been carrying from my pregnancies, their births, postpartum, etc. With some visualization meditation, I used my milk as a reminder of how incredible the female body is through all of its stages, and to remember that things happen how they’re supposed to happen. I am in a different stage of life and in a way, this was like closing a chapter and rebirthing another.

This was the release I needed to see that I am that person in the podcast. I just need to remember that situations change and I have to adapt without expectations, so as to not feel as though I have failed or regressed. Life is a constant journey with lessons; changes are inevitable, but also necessary. It all goes back to Expedition to Soul where I assembled my allies: I am all versions of myself, past – present – & future – at all times. All versions of who I am/was/will be, make up all of me.

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22. Jobs of the past.


Let us realize that: the privilege to work is a gift, the power to work is a blessing, the love of work is success! – David O. McKay

WOW! Okay, so I have been EXTRA busy with work since my last post, but -omggggg- do I LOVE MY JOB!! Seriously, I couldn’t be happier working with the people that I do, helping the people that {we} do. I am SO passionate about what this company has done for me, that I am just thriving being a part of the team! I know that it has been a [huge] adjustment for my husband, as I am now busy at times I didn’t used to be… ie: mornings before school, dinner/bedtimes for the kids, Sundays. But you know what? It’s a temporary adjustment and then it’ll become the norm, to an extent…

See, I joined the team at an interesting time. It was a month before things got busy with our final two launches of the year. I had a lot of training hours and then bam, the biggest event of the year + 2 major course launches. It’s all hands on deck and my hours are ALL over the place. For now. BUT that’ll slow down and kind of regulate as things change for the new year. And as busy as I am, I FREAKING LOVE IT! There are 6 of us and while I know 2 of them are technically my bosses, it feels like I just talk to my best friends all day! 🙂

With all of that said, I thought that this was a good opportunity to talk about my previous work history. Also due to the nature of my job, I tend to use a lot of exclamation points… I foresee that crossing over into my blog. Just putting it out there.

I remember my very first job interview like it was yesterday! I found it a little weird as I was interviewing with a boy {you’ll understand in a minute} but I remember I was wearing a jean skirt, a pink and yellow striped, capped sleeve with a sweetheart neckline t-shirt, and my cowrie shell necklace, that was in the shape of a star. WOW!! I mean, I know that I’m writing a blog with memories that date back over 30 years, but to remember my exact outfit 18 years later? Daaaaang even I’m impressed with my memory. Ha ha. Anyway, the reason why I find it so odd that a guy was interviewing as well, is the fact that I was interviewing for the most girliest girl stores ever! I mean, I don’t know about you, but as a little girl, I LOVED and spent literal hours inside one store, just marveling over -all- of the things! Can you guess what store that may be, given those facts? Yup, that’s right – good ol’ Claire’s!!

I absolutely loved everything about working at Claire’s! The people, the music, the merchandise, the mall. At the time when I started, Kristina was Manager, Amy and Tracey the Assistant Managers, and Kayla (a carbon copy of Melissa Joan Hart!) as 3rd Key a.k.a. part-time assistant manager. Then there was Megan, Bailee, Jamie and I as the remaining associates. We were all the same age, though Megan was a grade a head of the rest of us.

Claire’s was an easy target for delinquents trying to get away with stolen goods, or so they thought! I was incredible at catching thieves and I have zero problem tooting my own horn over it. Though I have to say, we all made a great team. There is one instance that really stands out in my mind, because I had an unexpected surprise, on a day that I really wished I hadn’t. Ha, ha. See, remember back in [09. First Love] I discussed the heartbreak and drama that came between Kevin and I, because of Beau? Yeahhh… So Beau was moving to Ohio with our mutual friend, to get a fresh start while our friend went to school. It only lasted maybe 4 months but that’s besides the point. He wanted to say goodbye and I knew work was probably the safest bet. Had Kevin known I had made plans to see him, it would have caused a lot of issues and I wanted to avoid that. But let’s be honest, I wanted to see Beau and say goodbye just as much as he did. While I respected Kevin’s feelings, I still had to respect my own, and seeing someone in a public setting, such as a store in a mall, isn’t something one always has control over. Right? Right. Irony is, Kevin decided to show up and surprise me that day. ::ofcourse:: Nope, I certainly didn’t have control over seeing someone in a public setting, such as a store in a mall. <- Why do I feel anxious just thinking about it? Oh, memories. Anyway, that day I had walked right past Kevin, not even noticing him (which is -incredibly- difficult to do, given he was nearly 6’10”!) following two girls as they left the store. Not even three stores down they had stopped, started laughing and pulling their loot out of their pockets – just in time to see me standing there, with my hand out, asking them to follow me. It was such a rush of excitement, I felt like a badass; which is not me at all! Ha. As we were walking back Kev was just leaning there against the glass outside Claire’s. I was in total shock!! He laughed and said he wondered how long it was going to take me to see him. I went from the rush of catching shoplifters, to holy shit what if Beau shows up and Kevin sees him? Helllllllo anxiety. Kev ended up hanging around the mall until my shift was over, and I was both mad and disappointed. Disappointed that Kevin was there, and mad he hung around, causing me such anxiety and guilt over “getting caught” – even though I wasn’t doing anything wrong! Oh, and disappointed by the fact that Beau never showed up. Or so I thought… No, as it turns out Beau did in fact show up, but when he got there, he had seen my surprised reaction to Kevin being there and walked right past us as I was giving Kevin a kiss. Seriously?! Is my life a movie? It feels like it has to be, some things are just that unbelievable, even to myself! Man.

ANYway, for 6 months everything was going great, until a new district manager was hired and [dramaaa] began. I’ll never forget the night Kristina locked up the store, and then threw her keys back into the store, through the medal gate! She was -done-… That was how she quit. My manager. ::sideShiftyeyes:: Amy was moved up to interim Manager with hopes of making it perminate. Megan was then made a 3rd Key, and things were good for a while. But unfortunately, drama continued and one by one we all left the store. It really was a sad moment in my life, especially since Kevin and I weren’t in a great place at that time. Not to mention I was STILL recovering from my second knee surgery. Annnd it was also around that time that I started getting really, really sick, and the new district manager had major attitude over it!! My mother went with me the day that I quit, as my anxiety over it was making me physically ill (I hate letting people down). Well, that and the fact I still couldn’t drive with my knee in a brace. I had NO idea that the new DM was going to be there that night, but I still needed to follow through. She didn’t even allow Amy the option of giving me my final 2 weeks; I was {done}.

A few months later when I was really sick and doing homebound schooling, my Uncle Dave agreed to give me a sense of purpose, and gave me a job part-time doing data entry for my grandfather’s insurance agency, Associated Group Underwriters. I was only able to sit at the computer a few minutes at a time, but it gave me something to do and I didn’t feel as useless as I had been feeling. It was short lived but it was something!

Once my health started to stabilize and I was able to get back out in the [real world], Amy – my old a.m./manager at Claire’s, got me an associate’s position at the clothing store, Charlotte Russe. She was the assistant manager there, but was also trying to get the managing position back at Claire’s, as higher management had an overhaul. Eventually she did and left Charlotte Russe, with promises that she’d bring me back as soon as she could! During my short stint at Charlotte Russe, I really only befriended one co-worker. I feel absolutely terrible about this, but I for the life of me cannot remember her name… ::HoldsHandsOverEyes:: It started with an M and was very unique. We only hung out a few times outside of work for her to do my hair. She had finished beauty school but hadn’t taken a full-time job in the field yet. So, she did my hair in her parent’s basement, ha, ha. I made a promise to myself when I was 10 years old, that I wanted long hair for Senior pictures, and then would donate my hair sometime after that. WELL that time had come, I donated 14.5 inches and went back blonde, with some fun magenta peek-a-boos! I enjoyed working at Charlotte Russe, but one of the things that I really didn’t like about working there, was the seniority set up. That and the fact that I had gotten Jessie [06.HS/11.Childhood Friendships+] a job there, only for it to backfire, as it was right at the time of her self sabotaging. Then there was a holiday hire that just brought gut punches of painful memories. She was a former cheerleader at Salem [06.HS/Diagnosis] with me, but on a higher ranked squad. We never really interacted too much, but she always had that typical, ‘I’m hot and better than you’ attitude. Kevin also started hanging out with her during school lunches, towards the end of things, before we actually broke up. SOOOooo needless to say, I did -not- like this girl and yet, that seniority set up required me to be the one to train her. Good grief did I need Amy to find me a spot, STAT!

Once back in charge, Amy first brought Kayla back as her assistant manager, and then brought Megan on as a 3rd key, again. At the time, there was another 3rd key named Ashley, and 2 associates, Kristin and Shebon. Due to only having 2 associates, who were both highschool students, Amy needed someone else full-time, which meant another assistant manager. SO, Megan got moved up to a.m., and to my surprise, Amy wanted me to be a 3rd key, instead of an associate. ::eeek::  Again, to explain the differences, a 3rd key is a part-time assistant manager. They have all the same duties such as opening/closing the store, bank deposits, making managing decisions- just less hours and no benefits. FINE by me! I was SO excited to be back with 3 of the original crew, we really were like a family! Remember, Megan and her cousin, Shannon [11.Childhood Friendships+] brought me a giant handmade card, wishing me luck when I had to go to the Mayo Clinic.[06.HS/Diagnosis] Things were going great!

The following summer there was a Borders Books opening up in Canton and I thought, why not? I mean, we all know that I was {not} the biggest reader at the time, but the store was super close, huge, and they needed a ton of employees to fill all the different positions. So, I applied. And I got the job. And I was working full-time between working there and at Claire’s, and going to school part-time that fall. OH, and that fall was also when I found out about Christopher getting married. [13.Survivor] <- That would be alot for any healthy person, but someone who was chronically ill, and not too far out from the biggest flair of their life, it probably wasn’t the wisest of choices… But how was I supposed to know? I was newly diagnosed, on the right meds, and was -so- unprepared in the understanding that chronic health issues are a lifelong battle of ups and downs, flares and remissions. My body started to fight back. There was an instance while working at Claire’s when it was just an associate and I one evening, she was taking her break so I was alone in the store, annnnnd I passed out… I happened to be in the back corner of the store, so it’s a damn good thing it was a weekday evening, for the mall was practically empty!! I have no idea how long I was out but a nice older couple was fussing around me as I came too. I really don’t remember too much about the incident other than that. ::doeeyes:: And the decision to leave Claire’s was starting to take form. I was devastated to quit working there, but I was barely getting any hours and it wasn’t worth the gas to get there. Plus, I made more money at Borders.

I’ll never forget my interview with Borders, either. I met with the G.M. first, and when I introduced myself he thought that I said, “Jella”… huh? How? That was the first time anyone had ever thought that’s what I was saying; though, oddly enough, it wasn’t the last! What? How? Ha, ha. I just don’t understand. ::shrugsshoulders::

I loved working at Borders! It’s where I was first introduced to T. Swift, and the rest is history. Though, they wouldn’t play her C.D. for me often, bastards. However, they did make up for it by playing the soundtrack to “Across the Universe” often, just for me. There is just something about that soundtrack! I know I’ll probably get backlash for this, but I so prefer the movie’s versions over the originals. ::sorrynotsorryBeatlesfans:: I made so many good friends working there, some of whom I’m still in contact with today, even if only through social media, just like my Claire’s girls! <3 Korrin, Amanda, Trevor, Holly, Shannon, Neidee, Lisa, Maureen, Jeff, Tim – there really are so many more people that I could name in which I just simply adored! Korrin, Amanda and Holly were my closest friends, though. Amanda and I were exceptionally close and even at each other’s weddings, years after working at Borders together. I never considered myself a bad influence, but I did sneak her into a different country, just so she could drink legally, when she turned 19. I don’t know if her parents ever found out that we went to Canada but it sure was fun! Ha, ha. <- OOOMG sitting here writing this, I realized that I completely forgot a whole other friendship to discuss!! Actually, a few.. Goodness!!! What triggered my memory was thinking about the first time I went to Canada to drink. I’ll have to address my poor choices on that subject at a later date. ::turnsRedandLooksaway::

I’m not exactly sure where this falls in the timeline, but I was still at Borders so it’ll fit here appropriately. Marion’s mom [10.Twin Flame] was the principal at a small private elementary school. She asked me if I’d be interested in being a cheer coach for a short season, teaching the girls the basics, and then having them put on a performance to wrap up the season. Uh, YES! I was so excited, nervous because I was in charge of 15 or so kids, ages 5-10, teaching them the sport that triggered my health to decline, but still excited nonetheless. Not to mention, I really wasn’t a kid person. But oh my goodness, I was like a proud mama bear; they did SO well!! They all loved it and their parents’ praised my efforts. The whole thing brought up a lot of emotion for me, but overall I’m glad I had that experience. Wow, sitting here reflecting back, I feel like I’ve lived 20 something different lifetimes! There are so many aspects about myself that I don’t even recognize.

Anyway, tearful memory lane is over. Although, can I really say that memory lane is over when I’m continuing to write about my past? Details, am I right?… As Igor [14.Forever&Always] and I were getting closer and it was evident that an engagement was on the cusp, I started looking at jobs closer to White Lake. As previously mentioned, there was a good 30/40 minute drive between us on a typical day. I was still going to school about halfway between us and it just made sense, since I was more than likely going to be moving in with him, once we were engaged. -Spoiler Alert- I didn’t. And no that’s not really a spoiler alert, just see [12.Life Detour]. Since my psychic abilities were packed, hidden away in the depths of my consciousness, I didn’t foresee that detour, and I ended up quitting Borders. I applied to be a bank teller just up the road from Igor’s condo, but ultimately decided against it and wanted to put my focus on finishing school. Oh Universe, you’re so good at making jokes, even if they’re not always funny. In the slightest. At all.

Borders was my last official, on the record, money making, taxes paying job – until The Sisters Enchanted. ::mindblown:: 13 years. It took me 13 years to land a job that actually paid money… We know this was not by choice, but holy cow! Borders may have been my last official job, but I did have my externship at an ER/Urgent Care cross over. It was originally an offsite, lower level ER, but they were in the process of turning it into an urgent care. It was reaaaallly weird that as a medical assisting student, I was considered more qualified and able to do more with patients, than former medics. At the urgent care, they were essentially only allowed to be patient care techs, while I was able to administer medication, give shots, draw blood, start IV’s, and assist with minor procedures. I still don’t understand how, but I’m grateful I could! I saw some >wicked< things while working there, let me tell ya! I’ll spare you details, but let’s just say maggots and degloving for funsies. Did that just gross you out? Imagine living it… ::turnsgreen&cheekspuffed:: gahhhh!

It was after my externship had ended and I was awarded my certification by the AAMA, that I got sick again, thus leading to the past 13 years without a “real” job. I swear as I’m writing that I’ve already shared things; I have to keep going back to previous entries to see, only to discover that I haven’t, and I just don’t understand how I havent? Maybe I’m just thrown off as I’m not writing regularly at this present time, and jumping around? Lost my groove of telling my story in order. I have no idea, but I [know] that I’ve written about things before, now I just have to figure out where, if not here… ::handToChinAsIthink:: I’m so confused right now. Ha, ha. Maybe that’s my cue to end things here. Trusting my intuition, check!

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Hello, New Me! pt. 2

“It’s all about new me.” – Lity Munshi

I know I left you hanging and I do apologize; but if I hadn’t broken these up that blog entry would have been doubled the size of any other entry, and from what my husband has said, entries aren’t supposed to be >that< long. Though this is still long AF… ::shrugsshoulders::

So what were my 3 intentions that I wanted to change while I worked through Holistic Witchery?

Initially I wanted to change the way that I think about myself and the way I feel about how I handle life with 2E [Twice Exceptional] children, especially Leighton being neurodivergent. However, as I got thinking and working, I realized it’s not about -how- I think about myself but -why- I feel the way I do. Which also made me realize that it’s more that I needed to change the way I think in terms of Leighton. And then for my surroundings was an easy/obvious one after the chaos of Covid. I need to get my home back in order, I needed to get organized in every way possible!! But the question was, what did they all have in common that I could use as one intention to focus on?

The answer: Balance!!

You see, I’ve never felt comfortable doing things by myself. Going to a store without another adult/peer, I felt that I didn’t belong. My senses were on high alert and I felt disoriented. Even being out with my children just didn’t feel right. I would get anxious even just being in my front yard alone, which left me inside, anti-social and my landscaping neglected. Plenty of neighbors are outside with their kids or doing yardwork and I just couldn’t with them there, without someone else with me. Of course these are not rational feelings, which is why I figured out it’s not a matter of thinking but a matter of why. Why do I feel this way? What causes me to feel so drastically different doing something alone vs. with another adult? I thought maybe it was a confidence thing, like how I hate talking on the phone because of my processing disorder. I lose my train of thought, can’t get the right words out and sound like a babbling bimbo. The deep rooted shadow of “not being good enough” seemed to fit. Although, I have come to see that this is more of a problem with my generation as a whole. We grew up in the era of online chatting and texting for communication. The anxiety is there for almost everyone in one way or another, therefore, lack of confidence is too surface level to be the [real] shadow.

No, the real issue at bay, which in a way could be lack of confidence I suppose, is the lack of {believing} in myself. <- I know that sounds rather surface level as well, but here’s where the deep “AH HA” comes in. As I explained in [06.HS/Diagnosis], I was really sick as a teenager. I couldn’t do things on my own, whether it was because it was dangerous or I simply just couldn’t physically. I woke up too many times in a bathtub filled with cold water when I was just trying to shower. I didn’t know when I was going to end up face first on the ground or hitting my head hard enough for a concussion from dropping. It. Wasn’t. Safe. Over the years my health has been up and down, especially through hormonal transitions from pregnancies, nursing, weaning, etc. With all of my deep diving through Holistic Witchery, I realized that somewhere in my subconscious I have been stuck between being a healthy, capable adult and the bedridden teenager I once was. ::BAM::mindblown:: I have been “sick” most of my life but after getting a diagnosis 17 years ago, I’ve done enough research and am in tune enough with my body, that I know when I’m [really] sick vs. just not pushing hard enough. <- and I HATE to say it that way but it’s true. However, it’s not about fear of pushing myself too hard but rather… at all in some cases.

I came to the conclusion that I have been using past experiences as a crutch. The fear of something happening while out on my own, is my lack of {belief} in myself. The lack of trusting that I know myself well enough by now to know if I really will be okay. With this, also comes my lack of driving. Yes, there are absolutely days and stretches of time when I cannot get behind the wheel. It wouldn’t be safe for me or anyone else. But that lack of belief in myself rings true here, with the help of anxiety and a side of PTSD. After the car accident [12. Life Detour] I was left with PTSD, I mean who wouldn’t after experiencing what I went through? Although, I was able to overcome it and drive regularly again, until I wasn’t. When I hit longer stretches of being sick, I know I’m not well enough to drive. However, I have also concluded that I use being sick as a crutch to also allow anxiety and deep rooted PTSD to keep me from going out and/or driving. This is where the lack of pushing myself hard enough and/or at all comes into play. There are days that may be [iffy] as to whether or not I should drive, but those ‘iffy’ days are a wide spectrum of gray, and more so lean towards the ability to vs. ability not to. Deep down I probably already knew this, but a shadow is a shadow and buried deep for a reason!

Since this revelation? I have driven myself to meet up with Mom#2 [07. Ode to My Mentors] for tea, I have taken the kids and myself to my dad’s pool, taken both boys to Menards by myself, taken Leighton to a doctor’s appointment, myself to a doctor’s appointment and a few curbside pickups. I’m sure there are probably a few other smaller things, like to my mom’s, but these alone are huge! Prior to this summer, I could count on my hands the number of times I drove from the Fall/Winter of 2017 to this Summer… it’s fkin sad. Don’t get me wrong, there were >definitely< periods of [long] stretches where I really was -too- sick, but looking back now, I can see where there were days I likely could have driven but fear got in the way. Now, did it feel weird AF driving and being out? Absolutely! Did I still feel like I didn’t belong and disoriented while at Menards with the kids? Absolutely! And I know that it will for a long while, if not forever, honestly. But that’s okay! I found the {why}, therefore I know that the only thing holding me back is myself – and I don’t want to anymore!! I KNOW that I AM [capable]! I am finding the balance between being that sick teenager and the healthy, capable adult.

Now for changing the way I think about how I deal with Leighton. If that even makes sense? As I’ve already explained in [Twice Exceptional], having 2E children is no walk in the park, especially when they’re neurodivergent. My mother has always praised me for how I deal with/handle Leighton and his “episodes”. I try my best but I won’t lie that it’s hard AF and beyond exhausting. It has challenged my marriage and my mental health. As a mother it breaks my heart to even say this, but our relationship seemed [forced] out of obligation at times. After nearly 10 years I found myself just feeling more and more negative towards him, even though I knew it wasn’t his fault. Yes, he may be a master manipulator, but at the end of the day he is still neurodivergent.

As I worked through Holistic Witchery I knew I needed to work on myself in order to change my mindset around him. He is very science minded, black and white, and if he can’t see it to prove and/or explain it, he doesn’t believe it. We already know Igor [14. Forever & Always] doesn’t believe in -any- of this, even though the science IS there. He just doesn’t understand it. Ha ha. That said, let’s talk about crystals for a moment. Science has proven that -everything- has different vibrational frequencies, right? And that energy can be manipulated based on those different frequencies. So wouldn’t it just be a scientific fact that an object radiating a certain level of energy could manipulate your own frequencies? And with that said, wouldn’t it make sense that different crystals, with their own different frequencies, could affect one self? Sounds simple enough to me… Do I believe that crystals can cure things over medical intervention? No. Do I believe that crystals can change your emotions or mindset, put up a ‘shield’ to protect your own energy from taking on others around you, or aid in the healing of certain ailments? Yes. Is it possible that it is just a placebo effect? Absolutely. Is there anything wrong with that if it helps someone become the best version of themself? Absolutely not!

Being the ever so inquisitive child that he is, obviously he wanted to know more about what I was learning and how things worked. About two years ago he was interested in tarot but Igor and I agreed that I’d take a step back from teaching him about it, as he wasn’t fully grasping the psychology behind it. He saw it as cut and dry and took everything at face value. Now that he’s older he’s understanding things differently. In fact Igor joked that I broke our child because he was able to explain how people born on the same day, at the same location and time could have different astrological birth charts, because they’re not in the exact same location in terms of degrees. I laughed so hard because that was [not] something I had taught him; I actually hadn’t spoken to him about astrology at all before that! He then went on to discuss how there are actually 13 Zodiacs and a whole bunch of other space knowledge. <- In case you missed it, he’s been obsessed with all things -space- for over 5 years, when he decided he wanted to be an actual rocket engineer. His dream is to help put man on Mars and my goodness I’m sure he will!

Anyway, as I learned more about honing in on my intuition, Leighton started to notice and understand that he too is [sensitive] and really connected. Which has been hard for him because he doesn’t understand how he just >knows< things. He is stuck between logic and feeling and still trying to figure out what it is that he believes himself. Which is perfectly fine, he knows both mine and his father’s views, and all we can do is explain why we believe what we do and let him figure it out for himself. Suficeive to say that his clairsentience and claircognizance are strengthening and it’s difficult to navigate when both parents aren’t on board. He absolutely hates whenever he hears about, reads or sees someone getting hurt. He could never explain why until this summer… As it turns out, he physically >feels< the pain that someone else is enduring, even just fictional characters in a book or movie. Talk about taking emath to the next level! He has also described things that he sees such as auras and colored symbols. Being the science guy that he is, he didn’t believe the thought behind crystals either. Of course, it doesn’t help when his dad bashes it. BUT, I knew he was struggling. The more my “powers” unlocked, his did too. Even Kellan has been bringing things up out of the blue lately that are spot on without any way of knowing. I think it’s safe to say that the energy within our household is definitely changing.

One day the light bulb inside my head went off. I realized that it wasn’t the way I think about him or handling his episodes, it was about helping him take control for himself. Through therapy and everything in the book, nothing helped in terms of coping mechanisms. So, I decided to try a different approach. For those who don’t know crystals, black tourmaline is believed to be one of the best protection stones. It helps shield your energy from negative getting in or positive getting out. If that’s too ::woo woo:: for you, think of it in terms of vibrational frequencies. It helps keep you neutral without being affected. I bought a couple different tumbled stones and told him to feel them, really truly pay attention to his mind, body and soul. He could take one and walk away, try a different one. Just see if he notices anything different among them. <- That was the day Leighton became a believer. He couldn’t get over how dark and heavy one stone made him feel or how light and airy the other did. He felt a sense of calm he’d never experienced before and his whole mindset changed. In fact, he had been afraid of “witches” ever since his second grade teacher read The Witches during class. Like, legit nightmares for years. When I started Holistic Witchery and some pathways in Enchanted Journey, I learned more historical backgrounds and tried educating him. That was when I started saying that I was a witch – trying to show him that how they’re portrayed in books and movies is simply false narratives. My doing so was more to help ease his fear from the book but it completely changed his mind about everything he thought in terms of the subject.

This summer we took a family trip to Traverse City with my dad and Brian. Before leaving for the trip I mentioned that there was a crystal store that we’d go to where he could pick out his own crystals. Something that he feels drawn to, to keep him safe. While the black tourmaline made him feel better, everyone has different frequencies remember? Therefore, different stones work differently for different people. To my surprise there was a new “witchy” store that had just opened a few months prior. I was SO excited to pick up supplies but also for Leighton to experience it. Igor and Kellan were bored as can be and left us there, but Leighton? Leighton lit up like a Christmas tree! You could just see the spark within him. He did the same thing with a few tumbled stones there and ended up picking out snowflake obsidian (similar to black tourmaline while also bringing balance between the mind, body and spirit.) and lapis lazuli, which is also a protective stone but also brings about confidence with self awareness and expression, and deep inner peace. After we left with some awesome goodies I asked him what he thought. He LOVED it and felt like he [belonged]!! He can’t wait to visit another metaphysical store and has already asked a few times when we’d be going. Oh my sweet child, you are my baby boy! Ha, ha. Things between us started changing and getting good early in the program but after visiting that store, everything changed for us. We now have this connection that isn’t forced and I genuinely want to spend time with him; and I even look forward to snuggling at night, which was something I used to dread. Yeah, I’d say this intention for change is checked off.

Next we have changing my surroundings. Just one look around the house and it was super obvious what needed to be done. EveRythINg! Though it wasn’t just my house, it was my life in general. Due to being sick for so long prior to Covid, and then having the kids home for a year and a half, everything got turned upside down. As I’m sure it did with most everyone. I used to have a daily/monthly/yearly cleaning schedule but all of that went out the window. It was too hard to keep up with, with everyone home and no one helping. Plus my major PMDD spiral [Awakening] at the end of summer 2020. Life had just been a mess. Which is exactly why I started this blog and joined TSE: I didn’t want others to feel alone, but at the same time, I realized through the community at TSE, that I myself am not alone. I’m telling ya, the community alone is worth it, haha.

But seriously. I needed organization in my life more than ever! I made myself a daily schedule that has a timeline for myself to get certain things done, an area for daily gratitude, an affirmation, and then extra notes or things to remember to do. I also made myself a new daily/monthly/yearly cleaning schedule that would better fit life these days. I made both of them pretty, and colorful, and they bring me such joy when I see them. Heck, I even laminated them and bought wet erase markers. Yup, getting my surroundings balanced was underway, but I was just getting started!

Igor and I had always talked about things we wanted to get done around the house, updating wise, but after 9 years nothing was getting done. Literally. Landscaping did but we didn’t have a choice. <- I kid you not, my house is a hot spot for trees being taken out by mother nature. Which is ironic as we ourselves have removed 9 from the front yard and 3 in the back. Mother nature took it upon herself to strike 2 trees right next to each other with lighting, a few years apart. Lightning doesn’t strike the same place twice, huh? I have proof otherwise. Unless you’re going to be like Leighton and argue for the sake of trying to prove me wrong, because it wasn’t the “exact spot”. ::rolleyes:: But seriously, in the back 3 full trees and 2 separate half trees have been knocked down. Then the city removed one in front due to disease and just this past week half of another tree was hit by lightning in front. WTF is going on? Michigan isn’t supposed to have this crazy weather!! Oh wait, hi global warming. ::shakeshead::

Anyway, sorry, I didn’t mean to go on a tangent about trees and the weather. Just needless to say landscaping was a necessity. But you know, homeownership is for the birds. And yes, I am about to go on another tangent because this is my reality. You have a problem, try to fix said problem, the problem still exists. Then a new problem appears which ultimately leads to needing remodeling work done, which leads to discovering [new] problems, which leads to more remodeling and so forth. It’s a stupid cycle! If you don’t own a home, don’t do it. Just don’t. You’ll thank me one day…

Okay, so the second tangent goes with my changing the surroundings to a point. Like I said, we had plans to update our house but just never did, cause you know – money. The one thing that I wanted done first was new flooring in the kitchen and family room, and Igor wanted new kitchen countertops. Which, I don’t blame him, they really were horrible! Our master bath’s are also horrible but I am ok with the cheap fix with contact paper for now. Err.. well, ever, because priorities have certainly changed as of this summer. ANYwho. So, last fall we noticed our kitchen cabinets were starting to fall apart. We thought maybe some was due to water damage since we got a new roof in 2019 due to leaking. Turns out it wasn’t damaged but rather just junk. Our cabinets literally started to crumble. In fact, as Igor was removing one it all came apart and the shelves slammed down onto his head. ::sadfaces:: In March of this year we decided to go with a new Ikea kitchen. I designed it, we met with a member at the store, had their guy come measure but we sat on it. Igor couldn’t decide between a wall oven with a cooktop or a new range all together. I personally would have been fine with the range but whatevs. So for a few more months we played around with designs until I had enough.

Since Igor had to work my mom took me to Ikea to meet with a new kitchen specialist, to assure that our design was going to work and finalize everything. If you hadn’t already figured out that I am a person who second guesses everything and hates to make decisions, then I’d say you’re not actually reading my blog posts. But do you know what my new found confidence from TSE allowed me to do? I bought the damn cabinets!! Igor was in a meeting and I couldn’t get a hold of him and I just did it. > I < made the decision! Nevermind the fact that as soon as I sat in the car, I had to stick my head out of the door to throw up, right there in the parking lot. ::hidesInshame:: I have never had that happen before, ever! I didn’t even realize that my nerves were so heightened but it makes sense. My mom said that she had never seen me so composed, unanxious – I was like a completely different person going through that purchasing process. I’m sure you know what I mean when your parents tell you they’re proud of you, it’s just like “yeah, okay, thanks.” <- or maybe you don’t. I am sorry to assume; I know that I am very fortunate to have such a supportive family and that not everyone hears their parents tell them they’re proud of them. I think [my] parents have told my husband how proud of him they are more than his own ever have. Please know that I don’t take those words for granted, all I’m saying is, that day I {really} -felt- her words!!

When we went to Ikea in March they told us it could take 12-18 weeks to get all of our cabinets delivered/in stock. And when we met with countertop places they said it would be 4-8 weeks -after- the countertops were installed. WHaa??? I think that’s why we sat on it. It just seemed like the process would take forever and we’d be living in a nightmare. Little did I know, after ordering the cabinets the bulk of the order was able to be delivered less than 2 weeks later. Maybe that added to my getting sick in the parking lot, because it just got real, real fast! So they were delivered and I went to town building the bases of them. Out of 30 cabinets, I had all but maybe 6 completed within a week and a half. I was ready to get the ball roooolling. Problem was, we had no idea who would do the actual installing. We hadn’t found our countertops or flooring either. Hello stress overload, not so nice to meet you again.

My father in law is the kind of guy who [knows a guy] for everything. Being in that Ukrainian/Russian speaking network has its perks… to a point. Both of his guys said they couldn’t do the full projects until the Fall. So, I also went to town on disassembling the kitchen to help speed things up and hopefully make it cheaper for when we hired someone else. Buuuut my FIL wasn’t having it and convinced one of his guys that it wouldn’t be that big of a project, just come in and hang the cabinets. OMG did I feel terrible for him, he was so manipulated and I had no idea. My FIL also convinced his other guy to send one of his employees to do the flooring. What should have been a 2 day project turned into a 5 day project and a second guy was brought in for days 3-5. ::oyy:: This is where the point of why you shouldn’t be a homeowner comes into play. Upon removal of the carpet in the family room, we discovered that our door to the deck, one we NEVER use, was rotting on the inside from water damage. We knew the outside was an issue and that getting new windows was the only option to fix it. Which we planned to do, but again, money.,, one income household of 4 and a cat. So, we needed to remove the subfloor, bleach the heck out of everything structural to remove any built up mildew, and spray a ton of anti-mold stuff or something like that. All I know is the family room was tapped off with plastic for almost 24 hours. Now the pressure is back on to try to find someone for windows asap. We met with 3 companies last year but again, sat on it. And now with inflation it’s a nightmare! Remember when I said it would take 4-6 weeks for countertops? Yeah, I dreaded that process most of all! BUT in actuality, the whole process took less than two weeks, thankfully!! It took 8 FULL days broken up over the span of 4 weeks to get all of our cabinets installed, plus lighting and electrical replaced. And that’s just bases installed. Igor and I have been spending most of our free time building all of the drawers, installing them, installing doors, and adding hardware for like 2 weeks now and it’s still not done! So. Many. Drawers… Not to mention they messed up and sent us things we don’t need and left out some things we do. Cool.

::Breath::

I honestly have no idea when the kitchen will actually get painted, backsplash installed, or the decorative stips on the cabinets will be installed, but it’s getting there. I am SO excited to start the organizing process of the new drawers and everything! I got plastic bins and containers so I can ditch the boxes. We had to get all new cookware for the new induction cooktop, that I chose [purple] to match what the kitchen -will- be! Yes, I will have a purplish kitchen, and yes am I excited. Ha, ha. <- So alas, I legit changed my surroundings in the form of designing a kitchen that’ll better fit our needs, and allow me to keep things better organized.

I really am in such an amazing place, mindset wise! I am confident. I am capable. I am balanced. I am courageous. I am not afraid of failing, as it’s just lessons learned. I am not allowing my comfort zone to hold me hostage. I am thriving. AND I am [employed]! YES, yes you did read that correctly!!

Remember the last post where I mentioned that I reached out to -The Sisters Enchanted- and asked for a job flat outright? About that… as I’ve already mentioned, I went into this with a goal in mind: to work on myself and figure out a way to make money. At one point earlier this summer, I thought that maybe I’d get more into tie dying and sell some work, which, I guess is still a possibility. The kitchen remodel kind of took over my whole summer and so many plans went out the window. But, that is okay!! My heart is with what TSE has to offer and in just 4 months, they must have seen it as well! I {legit} worked my >own magic< and manifested a job for myself!! WHAT!? Yeah, that scared woman in limbo is no more. It has only been a week since I started as an independent contractor, working in Customer Service and Student Support with a little Operations on the side. AND I COULDN’T LOVE IT MORE!! I am just so happy to be a part of the vision that Sara Walka created! I have also been entrusted as the group “Mom” for one of their smaller, most intimate groups. It is my job to keep them engaged and encouraged, with all the love, light and support I can give! I have found my purpose! It’s still so surreal considering it’s been almost 11 years since I stopped working at the urgent care, and have been a SAHM ever since! Nothing is coincidence, it was Taurus’ New Moon where I set my financial intentions, and by the end of Taurus’ Full Moon cycle, I will have completed the ‘90’ day trial that I was initially set up with. But the funny thing is, after only one week, they’re all already talking about long term plans and using “when” instead of “if”. Yeah, I think this is going to work well for us all! <3

And on that note: If you are interested in checking out what TSE is about and how they can help you, help yourself, to become the best version of yourself that you can be – they/we? (OMG, it is we!) are hosting a 5 day workshop called, Magic Week, where you’ll walk away knowing your Expansion Archetype, with a sense of how to manifest and live a magical life based on your individual result. It all starts October 7th and if you’re interested, or would even like to just read more about it, you can do so here: The Sisters Enchanted’s Magic Week workshop. 

I am telling you, it is never too late and AlwAys worth it, to invest in yourself!!! And no, I promise you this blog hasn’t just become an add for TSE and I wont be throwing promotions at you left and right. I just really believe in what they’re all about! ::nodshead::
Love, light and hugs to all!

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Hello, New Me! pt. 1


“Forget everything you’ve done. Start over.” – Marty Rubin

Hi, so I know it’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted, but over the past 4 months I have been going through the >biggest< personal transformation of my life!!

Actually, it started much before then if we’re being honest. We know that I set out to find myself again near the end of 2019 and reeeallly dove deep after a downward spiral in summer of 2020. We also know that in April of this year that I took part in something called, “Expedition to Soul” with [The Sisters Enchanted :TSE:] after doing their 21  day self-care challenge. Let me just say, TSE has completely -changed- my life!! So much so that I even reached out inquiring about a job as I believe in what they represent and can do for women! But I’ll get back to that!

See, The Sisters Enchanted believe in leading with kindness, living a soul-led life with intention, through intuition and everyday magic. They have a blog, podcast and offer many free classes, which is where I started with the 2 above. But I needed more. I felt this swirling within me, that what I was doing with their help was everything I ever needed for myself!  

They have what they call, ‘the school of magic’ and offer many different courses, Holistic Witchery and Expedition Astrology being their big 2. And yes, this may sound too ::woo woo:: for some, but please trust me and hear me out…

Part of the reason it’s called [witchery] is for -rebellion- against the patriarchy and how women (and/or anyone considered “different”) of the past were treated. <- now these are my words but the founder chooses to call herself a “witch” because it does in fact make her feel rebellious. It’s an ode to everyone who has ever been considered “different”. My last post, [w.i.t.c.h.] explains all about that and how there is such a negative stigma against the word “witch”.  And at the risk of sounding redundant, I repeat Devon Cole sang it best when she voiced that a witch is just a “woman in total control of herself”! However, don’t let the name fool you! You don’t have to be a self proclaimed “witch” to join. Infact, a good majority of their students are even Christian. Why/how is that? It’s because TSE isn’t about religion, it’s about helping (primarily women, but all are welcome!) live the lives they’ve always wanted. How to rewrite the story that most of us have been told when it comes to how women are “supposed” to be, act, and present themselves. They help you overcome trauma via [shadow work] and re-write the narrative. Psychologist Carl Jung defined the “shadow” as being the unknown dark side of one’s personality. Everything has light and shadow, hiding from your shadow only makes it worse. You cannot live your best life without acknowledging the parts of yourself you want to forget and/or ignore. You need to embrace all of yourself, including your past, as it has gotten you to where you are today! Which in turn will lead you to where you want to go, tomorrow.

I am writing this post because A) the whole point of this blog is to tell my story and help others in any way that I can. B) because I myself still feel that uncomfortable pit in my stomach when I tell someone new about The Sisters Enchanted and Holistic Witchery. I still get… not embarrassed, but almost like I don’t want to be looked at as [crazy], because society and the entertainment industry has turned it into a false narrative. But here’s the thing… The word “witch” means something different to all who use it as a description for themselves. Even to those who don’t consider themselves one, the word itself is different for everyone! Within my immediate family I’ll call myself one, but it’s also a description that has a time and a place, and I do respect other’s views. I may try to educate them like I have via this blog, but again, respect. And that respect is just as much for -myself- as someone else. I >won’t< allow myself to be ::bullied:: for my beliefs, but one of the many things The Sisters Enchanted has taught me, is setting and respecting {boundaries}!!

Yes, you do learn the -tricks of the trade- but they’re all just tools to help yourself. You have to remember, everything that was/is considered ‘witchcraft’ was just [a way of life] once before. Tarot? A scientifically proven {tool} to help one unlock parts of their subconscious and see things in a different light, not some fortune telling parlor trick. Working with the Lunar cycle could simply just be a reminder to keep you on track with your intentions. The greatest thing about TSE is that you don’t have to do everything or anything that you’re not comfortable with. They present to you ALL of the options for you to find what works best for you! Sara Walka, the founder of The Sisters Enchanted, created what is known as the 5i spiral. It represents the stages of what it is that you want to achieve and how to make it happen. This is where using the Lunar cycle can keep you accounted for.

1. Intention. You set your intention at the New Moon.  Intention is different than a goal, it’s more about how you want to [feel] when it comes to something. In Holistic Witchery you have to set 3 intentions to work on during your courses. Three things that you want to change; a way you think about something, the way you feel about something and something in your physical environment. You then use the 5i spiral to work it out.
2. Integration. From the New Moon to the 1st quarter moon, you reflect on your intention. The 1st quarter moon is then where you start to integrate your intention into your everyday life with the help of your energy/chakra centers.
3. Insight. By the Full Moon you should have a better understanding of what is and isn’t working from integrating your intention. Here is where you use insight (through shadow work) to reflect on it. If things aren’t working out, reflect on why. Is it because you’re not putting in the work? Is it because your intention is too large, too broad, and needs to be broken down into smaller, more achievable intentions? Here is where you take the time to think that through.
4. Ideate. As you reflect and gain insight around the Full Moon, by the 3rd quarter moon is when you start to rethink everything. You bring together what you have learned and make a plan going forward, enchanting/’bewitching’ your everyday life. Does your intention need to be broken down? If yes, what would that look like and how could you then integrate it? If not, what should you keep doing or change to make it even better?
5. Intuition. By the time the New Moon comes around again, you should have an overall better understanding of your intention with the help of divination. Did you succeed? Do you need to keep this intention for a few months? What have you learned during the month that will help feed your intuition, to know what is right or wrong for yourself?

While intention setting can be set to the Lunar cycles, it can also be set during the year. Intention setting is always done at the beginning of the year when New Year’s resolutions are made. It’s then often mid-year when you sit back and wonder if you’re sticking true to your resolution or not, and by the end of the year you tend to make a plan for the following year on how you can either start again or move onto something else. See, not ::woo woo:: at all, huh?

The funny thing is, explaining exactly what it is that TSE does is even difficult for those who created it. It’s really just a platform – turned – community for helping one find their own empowerment through true, unconditional support. I have never felt more safe to be myself, raw and vulnerable in such a way without fear of judgment. We all understand one another on some level and the [sisterhood] that is formed is like nothing that could truly be explained without experiencing for yourself. My mother compared it to therapy and in a way, it really is. Now, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t seek licensed help when needed, this is just an added bonus as you work through things! Shadow work can be and -is- incredibly difficult at times, and honestly could benefit from a licensed practitioner depending on how deep or traumatic your shadow is rooted within yourself. I know first hand that if it wasn’t for the work that I put in with my therapist 8 and a half years ago that ‘shadow-work’ wouldn’t have come so easily for me during this time. What I didn’t know at the time is that the work my therapist, Michaelene Ruhl, PsyD had me do, was in fact shadow work! I never understood how years of on again off again therapy with different therapists lead me nowhere, but within weeks of working with Michaelene I had such incredible breakthroughs. Now I do! Michaelene takes a more holistic approach, focusing on the energetic connections through ancestral trauma via what is known as [constellations healing]. I do not understand enough myself to explain what that means exactly, HA, however, she knows her stuff and worked her >magic<. Or rather, lead me to working [my own]!! If you are interested in knowing more about what Michaelene has to offer, here is her website! 🙂

One of the biggest takeaways from working with her and what I have come to realize with TSE, is the use of physical representations. These “tools” that I’ve spoken of. Michaelene used to have these little wooden figures that we’d use to represent people, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, AnYtHtInG – so that I could physically see what it is that I was working with. Taking it out of my mind, off my shoulders and placing it in front of myself to truly {see} it for what it was. That’s all ‘witchcraft’ really is if you really think about it. It’s using objects to represent whatever it is that you need help with, as a physical representation that you can see, feel, smell, hear, taste. A totum to remind yourself what it is you want and a way to allow yourself to believe it, with said reminder. Now, could this be simply a placebo effect? Absolutely! But let me ask you, why would that be a bad thing if so? The psychological phenomenon from the placebo effect is nothing to be ashamed of! If it helps someone to be the better version of themselves, why is that something to be looked down upon? If you are not causing harm to yourself or anyone else, NO ONE can tell you what is or isn’t right for yourself!!

Holistic Witchery has no set time frame in which it needs to be completed. There are live sessions every few months, though the program is constantly evolving as they figure out what is the best way to present the material. It can be very overwhelming as you are given everything at once and left on your own to work through most of it. There are live Zoom sessions in which you go over things and are able to ask questions, and even ask questions in the group chats via their app. But again, there is no set time frame and they make sure to reiterate that often, that just because you may not “graduate” during a certain live round, doesn’t mean you failed. It simply means that you are taking your time to better understand and work on yourself. AND if you DO graduate during a live round time frame, your work is never truly over; you just dig deeper each round – if you want to. Which personally I don’t know why anyone wouldn’t want to as it is literally life changing! Ha ha. Technically right now the program is set up at a self paced 12 month course with about 3 ‘live rounds’ a year at roughly 4 months each. There is also Enchanted Journey, which is their paid membership program that is monthly, in which you learn about a core subject for a year. For example, this year is Rocks, Herbs and Stories. This course has been broken up into 4 sections, the Cosmic witch, Earth witch, Sea witch and Hearth witch. Oobbbbviously being the mermaid that I am, the Sea witch unit has been uh-may-zing!! Being a Pisces born in March, knowing that aquamarine is known as: ‘mermaid’s treasure’, is that much more thrilling for someone such as myself! And again, just like with Holistic Witchery, Enchanted Journey, as well as Expedition Astrology or ANY of their programs for that matter, have NO set time frame in which you are expected to complete. Once you are a member of said program, you are for as long as you desire. Life. Ever. etc. Even upon completion! <- which just adds to the intent of it all. TSE may be a company which does require some investment into yourself, depending on how involved you want to be, but it’s just that – an investment into -YOURSELF- that never goes away! The community, love and support is there forever, and that my friends you cannot put a price tag on!

SO… after much debate due to knowing we were getting a new kitchen and flooring, I decided that joining Holistic Witchery was what I wanted and convinced Igor that it was what I >needed<!! I paid to join while he finally paid to upgrade his bike to an electric one, something that he, too, had been pondering due to cost. It was a win-win for us both, just maybe not our savings account. HA! Going into 2022 I knew this was going to be -MY- year; 22 -is- [my] number after all! I knew that I needed to work on myself and find a way to bring in an income. I may not be able to work a conventional job due to my health but it was time to figure something out! I didn’t know what, but with the boys both in school, I needed purpose.. I joined Holistic Witchery with that sole intention in mind and in doing so, I got one year of free access to the Enchanted Journey membership. I’m telling you, best decision I’ve ever made for myself!

Like I have said too many times now, technically there is no set time frame ::brokenRecordOverhere:: but there is the 4 month live session and the 12 month guide. I didn’t think it was going to happen, but your girl here managed to >GradUate< from the program in just 4 months!!! And yes, I am [damn] proud of myself! So what were my 3 intentions that I wanted to change while I worked the program? You’ll find out in my next post. ::GrinsaDevilishGrin::

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Expedition to Soul

“who you are is hidden beneath all the LAYERS
of who you were told you should be”
– The Sisters Enchanted

As I’ve mentioned before in [Awakening], I have been on a journey to self-discovery since I spiraled from a severe PMDD breakdown in 2020. I may have come to find myself, for the most part, but I also know that one can never stop working on themselves – especially when it comes to leading/living a life of intention; because by leading with intention in everything you do, it’s easier for you to get to where you want to go. Your intuition grows and understanding what -is- for you and/or -not- for you, gets faster and easier to determine.

This past week I took part in something called, Expedition to Soul, put on by The Sisters Enchanted. Expedition to Soul was a 5 day “quest” to [self]. TSE describes a -quest- as, “a journey toward a specific goal. There are often obstacles that need overcoming and sometimes villains to defeat. Often there are twists and turns along the way that ultimately reveal the truest purpose of the quest.” It kind of reminds me of {The Fool’s Journey} in tarot. The Fool’s Journey is a metaphor for the >journey through life<. Each -major- arcana card stands for a stage on that journey, the phases and trials you’ll face; the experiences that a person must incorporate to realize their wholeness.

Sara Walka, the founder of The Sisters Enchanted, said it best when she said, “Before any great quest, there is the sensation of something building. A call to change, a series of events that primes us for a grand adventure, or a knowing that the next version of you lies on the other side of an expedition to a place yet to be determined.” <- Seriously, truer words have not been spoken, especially when on a self-discovery journey! Going into ETS my intent was to better understand and trust my intuition as well as perceived signs. I knew that I was going to face barriers and boundaries and mapped out what that may have looked like for myself, as a visual. However, as mentioned above, just because I went into this quest thinking one thing, doesn’t mean that was the quest I ended up on.

Day 1 was about reclaiming your energy, cutting the webs attached to everything and anything you’ve ever encountered. Coming back to you, just you – yourself. I never realized how much of my energy was weighed down, connected to everyone and everything else. I mean, I know I’m an empath but I never knew that “recharging” wouldn’t truly revive my energy on its own. The visualization activity was absolutely freeing!! There was an additional healing meditation that I felt was a bust for myself; I woke up shaking and freezing halfway through and planned to revisit the replay later. Although, about a half hour later I fell into an unexpected two hour nap. Clearly my body/mind/spirit wasn’t done with the -healing- aspect from the [botched] meditation and figured out its own way to release whatever it was that was needed. I woke up from that nap feeling as I normally would after a successful session! It was definitely an odd sensation because I’ve never actually woken up midway through a guided meditation before, I felt so energetically sick and off. I was relieved after waking from my nap, feeling as I had expected to feel from the meditation. I do however still plan to revisit the replay and try again.

We were also supposed to take a mini [pilgrimage] if able to. A pilgrimage is typically a journey to someplace of sacred or spiritual significance. However, that location is -your- location, the place YOU feel is sacred or spiritual for yourself. Leading up to this week my goal was always to drive myself to this little beach where I go to recharge. That would have been two [major] steps for me; driving there and going alone! Unfortunately life has a way of keeping you in check. Not only had my car been broken and wasn’t back from the shop until Monday afternoon, it also decided to SNOW here in Michigan, at the end of April, after it was in the 70’s the week before! I then figured I’d try later in the week but unfortunately my youngest was home sick from school Tus-Fri. I made it a >goal< to drive myself to this location and I am-not- giving it up, it’ll just be on my own time instead of during this particular quest!! So instead of getting to the lake, I headed out to my sunroom with a mini heater, because the sunroom has always been my place for {zen} at home. Unfortunately it’s not insulated so it gets too cold during the winter and too hot in the summer to spend full days out there. However, I was reminded this week that I definitely need to spend more time out there on a regular basis!

Day 2 was about assembling your allies and taking the step to be “all in.” The thing about allies though is that [no one] can be a better ally to you, than yourself! I know that may sound ridiculous, especially to those of us who have faced past trauma and often self-sabotage. But see, you needed the past versions of you to bring you to your present self, who is then in charge of shaping what your future versions will look like. Instead of running, hiding, or whatever else you may do to forget your past, you need to embrace it and appreciate it. It may not be easy but it’s necessary in order to become the best version of yourself, though it will definitely require some -shadow- work. I used magazine cut outs to form a collage of who I was, am and want to be. I also used my ‘Heal Yourself Oracle’ deck and chose the cards: Self-Sabotage for my past, Healing and Discover your life’s purpose for present and Phoenix Rising for my future.

We were also tasked with conjuring up a ‘spell’ or ritual  for ourselves to help shed whatever it was that we needed to leave behind, so that we could fully commit to receiving whatever it was that we needed to receive on this quest. Seeing as I am a visual person, I made up a body scrub to help me visualize the [shedding] of whatever it was that was preventing me from being the best version of me that I can be. And let me tell you, I understand why putting different ingredients together and saying some words for intention, while using said mixed ingredients, is considered >witchcraft< …  it was a downright [magical] experience and so, so freeing! Ha. If you don’t want to take my word for it and/or want to try it yourself – here is the ‘spell’ I came up with:

The best me I can be: “Today I bring together my past, present and future selves, to allow myself the courage to rise above and release what’s holding me back, to move forward with joy and prosperity, believing in myself, trusting my intuition and continuing to be the best me I can be. And so it’ll be.”
2 TBs of pink Himalayan salt
2 TBs of sugar
2 TBs of grapeseed oil
Essential oils:
4 drops of Joy
5 drops of Valor (for courage)
2 drops of Rise Above
2 drops of Release
3 drops of Believe
Stirred with a cinnamon stick (for prosperity) 3 times to right for intent while repeating, “and so it’ll be!”

Day 3 we worked on continuing to challenge ourselves despite the discomfort. To  [enter the cave] not knowing what will be on the other side. This is where the shadow work comes in. Everything in life has a light side as well as a dark side, the dark being the shadow. Light is what brings us strength while shadow is what gets in our own way. When it comes to astrology there are always two sides to every sign. There is a WHOLE heck of a lot that goes into astrology when it comes to the different signs, houses, planets, etc. I’m not going to get into it all but one thing to look at when facing your shadow, is your {Moon Sign}. Your Moon Sign is different from your Sun Sign, which is your main sign that you’d look at for your horoscope. And for those who don’t believe in astrology and horoscopes, that’s perfectly okay! I mean, how could everyone born between x and x day have the exact same horoscope, right? They can’t and don’t… which is why I said there is a whole heck of a lot that goes into it, and once you understand your birth chart better it really does then fall in line and make sense.

You have your Sun Sign – your identity, your Moon Sign – the soul behind your identity, and your Rising Sign – your social personality. 
The [Sun Sign] is the essence that you shine out into the world. It is how you answer the question “I am”; how you experience life and express your individuality.
The [Moon Sign] represents your subconscious and is the force behind your emotional reactions. It’s what allows you to feel joy and sorrow, pain and pleasure, and gives you insight on how to restore and nurture yourself.
The [Rising Sign] (also called Ascendant) represents your physical body and outward style, the manifestation of both your inner and outer world.

Horoscopes are just a generalization and not the true root of astrology. Literally everyone, depending on their chart, can have a bit of any sign’s characteristics. Thus is why people often brush off astrology and horoscopes. BUT! Once you understand it better, you may not feel the same skepticism as you once did!! It really is fascinating.

I am a Pisces (Sun) so I am motivated by deep emotional desires and recharge through emotional experiences. <- makes sense given how Day 1 went by reclaiming my own energy. I am a Sagittarius (Moon) so I react to changing experiences with direct action and excitement. I feel the most aligned and balanced when I am expressing confidence, ditching negative self-talk and showing my strength. <- again, SO true; look at where I am today from where I was! And I am a Cancer (Rising) which means that I am sensitive, empathetic and easily influenced by my environment. I approach life by being deeply rooted in my emotional body. <- uh, yah think?! Anyone could have told you that…

Anyway, looking at my signs, focusing on my shadow brings me back to the [dark] side of Sagittarius; and for me that’s seeking experiences and freedom for emotional security. Because Cancer and Pisces feel {so deeply}, I tend to escape, shut down, build a wall and become numb when emotions get to be too much. I subconsciously feel as though I need to run, get out of where I’m at and -do- something, anything, other than be with my feelings, because I am with my feelings all the damn time! Being a double water baby it’s no wonder my heart is on my sleeve! Getting to know and understanding your shadow will show you why you react the way you do in everyday life, you are able to see it for what it is, and gain >control< back for yourself! Rewrite the narrative, you survived x and are stronger because of it.

Day 4 took me some time. I regrettably didn’t finish on time because there was just too much going on, which also set me back for day 5. Just prior to Expedition to Soul there was a 21 day self care challenge that I completed. It was the very first time I have ever completed a challenge, doing every day on its intended day. That was [major] for me, so I did feel a little defeated when I got behind for days 4 & 5. But as I’ve learned and came to realize, with the help of The Sisters Enchanted community, everyone is on their own journey – on their own time!

So day 4 we were asked to do two visualizations (similar to mini meditations). The first one was to envision our future selves. Now that we had done the shadow work, faced the unknown and allowed ourselves to truly feel and be with our emotions. Now that we had worked on understanding the [why] we did certain things, how did we envision using our new ‘tools’ to help us moving forward? Honestly? I fell asleep attempting this one, twice… I was explaining this to my cousin, Sara and she pointed out that I saw myself well rested. Ha. All about perspective, right? However, just prior to falling asleep, and almost every other future visualization I’ve done, I see myself wrapped up in a cozy blanket, on a comfy bench or chair, by the lake at dusk with a mug of something warm to drink. I see us either moving to a smaller town with a smaller, older home right on the water – or we make it a tradition of renting a home and/or AirBnb annually. Being on/near the water has always been my go-to for comfort, my peace, my slice of ‘heaven’. You know, that whole {mermaid} soul and all.

The second visualization was to envision a talisman for yourself, a physical object to remember what this week revealed to you; to have the visual of the intention of where you want to be. Although, it’s not so much about knowing the answer of where you want to be, but rather supporting yourself as you move forward. It’s about the connection to your object. The feeling it gives you, the reminder it gives you, cultivating a way of being. The future visualization was to help us figure out how we [want] to -feel- and this talisman is to represent and remind us of that feeling, to help us get to where we want to be. On day one I was drawn to my raw emerald stone. I have never actually worked with emerald but I couldn’t put it down. That night I placed it on my nightstand and it stayed there all week. The second I started the visual activity the image of my emerald stone on my nightstand came to mind. As I continued listening to the guided visualization, it kept popping back into my mind. I knew then that this stone was meant for this quest and the perfect thing for a talisman!

Except, it didn’t feel complete. As I continued the visualization an old antique key came to mind. It reminded me of when I first fell in love with old houses, on the water. My grandfather had rented a house on the water one summer. That was the first time I saw a real {skeleton key} and have been fascinated by antique keys since! <- DUH! Of course an old key goes with the emerald – it’s literally a perfect combo for this specific talisman and this particular quest! But, what do I tie them together with? It only took a second and my heart (intuition?)  knew exactly what was needed. Growing up I took my -baby blanket- with me quite literally everywhere! My > Te-Te <! As the years went on and it started falling apart, both of my parents put away a piece knowing that one day I would want it as a keepsake. Obviously being the sentimental water baby that I am, that is as much a ‘duh’ as is [fuck yeah]! My Te-Te was everything to me, as well as my Teddy from [08. Auntie]. Until I almost lost Teddy on my honeymoon, that bear went on every vacation with me! I cut a piece of my Te-Te and wore it as an anklet at my wedding, so it is -only- fitting that I used some string from the “blanket” to secure my emerald to the old key!

Day 5 was reflecting on the week as well as learning the Five I’s, and seeing how we actually used them over the past 5 days. The Five I’s are TSE’s five steps towards having a “magical, intentional, soul-led life”. You start with your Intention. Then you Integrate your intentions into your current selves and lives. Next comes Insight from doing the hard (shadow) work by looking deep within to what’s blocking you. Then you Ideate by piecing together the different ideas and concepts you want for yourself and creating a way to ‘enchant’ your everyday life. Which then brings us to Intuit, using your intuition to know what is best for you and your own lives. The more you use the Five I’s the easier it’ll get to see what’s right for you and you’ll be able to live without unnecessary guilt. The >real< you is often hidden behind all of the -layers- of who you were led to believe you [should] be.

One of my biggest takeaways from working with The Sisters Enchanted is that it’s okay to want more, it’s okay to step into your authenticity, and it’s okay to do life differently! Initially I wanted ETS to help me better understand and trust my intuition and perceived signs. Originally as the week went on I didn’t think that was happening. But as I sat there reflecting I realized that maybe it did to some extent… I still don’t completely understand but I start to feel this excited flutter in my chest when I think of certain things, almost as though it’s my body showing me the [Queen of Wands] yelling, “yaaassss girl!!” If anything I am noticing my confidence and belief in myself because I can feel the possibilities out there. I am no longer feeling caged or defined by my health. I am just so happy and filled with excitement for what’s to come. All week as I took the time to work on my quest I lit the same candle reciting, “this is for my health, happiness and being the best me FOR me!” I finished my quest by dancing it out to Katy Perry’s “Roar” with my new affirmation:
{I am NO longer holding myself back!}

Onward!