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Time.

“Time is a created thing. To say ‘I don’t have time,’ is to say, ‘I don’t want to.’” — Lao Tzu

You know that feeling when someone reaches out to you that you haven’t spoken to in years? Especially when that someone was somebody really important in your life at one point in time. It makes you realize how many lives one can live within a single lifetime! The saying is that ‘life is short’ but in the moment it sure doesn’t feel like it. Counting the years add up quickly and it’s incredible how something can seem so familiar yet a distant memory at the same time. How accessing memories from the past can make you feel as though you’re right back there, living it all over again in real time. I’ve often joked that it’s a blessing and a curse to be able to recount and recall all that I do. Remembering certain dates, both good and bad. Wishing that it were easier for you to forget certain things, only to one day realize that a day came and went and you didn’t even think about its significance, once. Time is nothing but a relative term. My boss believes that it’s our most finite resource, and she’s not wrong, but it’s also just a relative concept, is it not? I don’t mean to get all philosophical on ya but seriously. Have you ever thought about it?  

It has been 11 months since my last entry and I find that just as hard to believe as the fact I am approaching the 2 year mark of employment with The Sisters Enchanted! Wanna know something crazy? I don’t remember my exact start date nor end date with Borders – but I know that it was just around this time mark; making TSE the LONGEST consecutive job I have ever held! WHAT?! Well, except motherhood, of course. Wild.

So what the hell has been going on for the last year? F if I know. Ha, ha! I mean, work was crazy busy the second half of 2023 and a good chunk into 2024. But sitting here reflecting I realize that as 2023 came to an end I was thrown POTS flair and battled extreme fatigue and all that comes with medication dysregulation. Not to mention that I had developed some new symptoms that we’re still trying to get sorted out. Instead of just passing out upon positional changes, I started passing out just arching or twisting my back ever so slightly. And having costochondritis with slipping ribs movement to simply breath is kind of necessary. I could literally be lying in bed stretching and the lights would go out. I could be working and if someone walked into my office, if I turned to look at them just right, down I went. We have absolutely no idea what could be the reasoning behind this new cause for syncope, but I am meeting with a new local Electrophysiologist later this month so we’ll see what he has to say. The only thing that has come up between my most recent echocardiogram and holter monitor is some regurgitation from both my Mitral and Tricuspid valves. So, I guess it’s fair to say I’ve just been exhausted and finding time, let alone motivation to write, just hasn’t been there.

However, the writing bug has bitten me recently so here I am, with an update.

You ready?…

>> I have decided to turn my writing into a book after all! <<

::Cue digital confetti::

I am not entirely sure when I decided to turn it into a book and obviously it’s going to take quite a while but slowly it’s getting there. I have already taken most of my entries and converted them and as I write more I will update the blog. There is still so much to say but instead of writing up something new when the inspiration fired, I got a head start on prepping the book. Do I think anything will come out of the book? No, not really; I know that I’ll have a few sales as it’ll likely be self published but the point is the follow through. Even if it is self published, I can still call myself a published author whenever that day comes. A goal I set out years ago and one I [WILL] see to the end! ::bowsdown::

SO – what else has been going on? Well, as I piece together and edit what I have for the book, I was reminded of something else that has triggered significant mental fatigue over the last year that has likely added to my lack of motivation to write. That being Leighton’s hormones triggering more psychological episodes and the fight to try and get him help! There are times where he is literally begging for help. He needs a psychiatrist but I cannot get anyone to call me back. No one responds to my emails and even with a primary care doctor trying to assist in my efforts… nothing! It’s maddening! Ever since Covid, finding mental health help has been nothing but a sick joke! Those comments about “not wanting to live” have turned into very real concerns about self harm. His doctor has warned him that he needs to choose his words wisely because we are obligated to take him to the hospital if he continues to say some of the things he says. I think that scared him enough because he is definitely making an effort to try to communicate better, but he himself is still scared that when he’s in a fit, and not thinking, that he will do something dangerous, not being able to logically think about the repercussions. He is concerned about harming himself because of how dark his mind gets. I am just so thankful that the lines of communication are still open and something he has found that helps is sketching out his feelings. Instead of writing a journal, which he did start and really appreciated being able to write whatever he wanted without fear of judgment or punishment, he draws symbols and whatnot to express what is going on for him. Can I decipher even half of it? Not at all, but I’m willing to listen if he wants to explain. There was one day while writing that you could see the whole process from his irrational thoughts, to working his way through them and then realizing where he was in the wrong, what could have been done differently and why he thinks things ended up the way that they did. Proud Mama doesn’t even begin to define how I felt when he shared that entry with me; even if there was an entire paragraph of seeming  just F-bombs.

Parenting is hard. So hard. On one hand we know he is very good at manipulation but the alternative of not taking his words seriously is not something I’m willing to play Russian roulette with. So alas, we’re back to trying our damndest not to upset him but boy do hormones take their toll!

And Kellan? Kel has just been an a-hole. He argues over everything. Complains over everything! Igor says that school ruined him and while I tend to agree, we can’t forget he’s always been my little neanderthal and a total stinker. 

In April I had to head back to the East coast for work and since I can’t travel alone, we decided to make it a family affair. It was the boys’ first time flying and they did really well! AND I didn’t pass out during either descent!! I found these new ear plugs that help with regulating air pressure and they were a literal game changer! Not only did I not pass out, I was also not curled over in the fetal position crying from pain. I have never been able to fly, ever, without my ears bringing me to tears! I have so much scar tissue in my eardrums that they can’t handle the pressure changes. I really wonder if I didn’t pass out because I wasn’t in pain, but also because my ear pressure was regulated? If that’s the case, then ya girl may be able to start traveling ALONE again! Oh wouldn’t that be the dream?! However, now that I know I can request a wheelchair both ways, that’s a game changer too! Who knows, maybe next year I won’t need Igor to assist me on my work trip!

Last year for work we went to Mystic, Connecticut and this year Salem, Mass! Witches loose in Salem, oh what fun! I had to work Mon-Wed so Igor, the boys and I flew out on a Thursday to get some family vacation time in. You’d think we’d have learned by now that a family vacation is not a vacation, but rather a family trip. There is nothing “vacation like” about traveling with kids. Leighton was a dream almost the entire time, a shock and blessing twisted together. Kellan? Total a-hole. Ha. He whined and complained the entire time, nothing was good enough even if he got what he wanted. It was really difficult for me but I especially felt for Igor as he was stuck with the kids without me Mon-Wed. Friday we explored downtown Boston and oh my heart was I in love. Leighton is my sensitive buddy, he always wants to be with me when he’s exploring new places as my “energy calms him”. I didn’t realize how much that means to me until we were in Boston and he chose his dad! Rude, right? My heart has always been drawn to New England and he said that my energy was too comfortable there, like I was meant to be there or was in a previous life; so he was with Dad because it’s like they were experiencing it together. Okay, maybe not rude – that is rather sweet. He even held his hand walking down the street! ::dawww::

I thought Seattle was my favorite big City but Boston is a true contender! There’s nothing quite like standing IN PAUL REVERE’s house and realizing that it’s THE anniversary of the start of the revolutionary war!! It was the coolest and craziest thing to experience. We walked all of Freedom Trail (& yes, John Hancock’s gravestone is phallic & no, the irony is not lost). L had his favorite donut, Boston Cream – in Boston and he stunned a group of college kids over his awareness and understanding of climate change. He was given an Eco-Warrior pin and his response after walking away: “that was so fun!” Ha, ha. We also had Regina’s World Famous Pizza and explored the U.S.S. Constitution. Aside from Kellan complaining alllll day and me passing out twice on the subway (& having to sit on the floor, partly blocking a door, because no one would give up their seat) it was a fantastic day!! 

Day 3 we explored Salem. Day 4 we drove to New Hampshire & Maine (Leighton has officially made it to 13 states and Kellan, 9!) and visited Fort McCleary; then headed back to Salem for an adventure at World of Wizardry with my boss and her family – the kids became instant friends – before heading to Team TSE’s rental house in Manchester by The Sea. It was a super old, creepy home with a lot of energy! By bedtime Leighton was so uncomfortable he ended up getting physically sick and slept almost the entire next day… anxiety hangover’s are rough, poor kid! Igor ended up renting a hotel for him and the boys to sleep at for the remaining 4 nights and I stayed behind since I was there for work. Day 6 Team TSE had an in person event, so our husbands took the kids for a day at the park. The house’s energy made itself known more than ever that day and I myself got physically sick after exploring the basement. I have never experienced anything like it before and I’m thankful I had my black tourmaline on me! Day 7 Team TSE had an all day photoshoot; which ended in us running into the ocean while it was 50 degrees outside. And I gotta say, it’s super weird seeing my own face on the internet, out in the wild, on real ads and whatnot. I’m still unsure how to feel about it. Kellan introduced the other kids to chess and even almost beat a co-worker’s husband (a former avid player)! Day 8 we went back to Salem before heading to Marblehead for the best lobster roll of our lives!  It was a jam packed, busy and eventful week! While I love that the kids finally got to meet after 2 years, taking a work trip with kids is not something I’d like to do again for a long time! Annnd of course we received our first truancy letter upon getting home for school absences, dated before this trip… cool.

Annnyway. I just had the itch to write a bit so I figured I’d give an update.

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Expedition Complete.

“It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me”
– Taylor Swift

Fauq… I’m lying here in bed unable to sleep, tears in my eyes and just a sense of, well, nothing. Granted yes, my serotonin levels are low and maybe this has become my new thing, blogging when my hormones get the best of me? I’m not sure what’s better, that or cutting my own hair? They both seem to happen that way. 

See, I just read my last entry and it made me tear up, but again, there’s nothing. Numbing almost. It has recently been brought to my attention, via an intervention of sorts, that I have been living in a state of avoidance and unintentionally inducing solitude and isolation. Yes, work has been crazy busy but not any busier than say, March, when I was working full time. I’m averaging 5-6 hour days 4 days a week and a few added hours every other weekend. But, because my hours are flexible, if I take time during the day to do something other than work, I still have to put in the time to get my stuff done. Thus, making it seem as though I really am working ALL. OF. THE. TIME! 

Then by the time I am done working I am exhausted; the kids being home on summer break while I’m working has been an event in and of itself. Not to mention my husband having his own crisis within his own mind and him just up and leaving for hours to play pickleball.

I want to blame my Cancer rising and Sagittarius moon for allowing me to put a wall up, to hide within my shell and ignore the world around me. And I could, but I still have to remember that there is light and shadow with everything and this reaction of hiding via my Moon & Ascendant is just a story I’m telling myself. Oh, yeah, I forgot to share: I’m now -officially- a >certified< astrologer and personal development coach, with an emphasis in positive psychology! ::bows::

So there’s that…

Anyway, so this hiding bit. I’m really not sure when it started but I’m pretty sure I know the trigger now that I have actually taken the time to look back. Mid May I went out to Connecticut for a work seminar of sorts and it was INCREDIBLE! It was also great to -finally- meet my bosses/coworkers for the first time, after working for TSE for 8 months and being a community member for 14! But, I messed up. Absent-mindedly, in the moment, I gave my cell number to a community member to text me something non-work related. Which, okay, that’s fine. However, 2 other community members saved my number and were talking about it with the big boss lady. I stepped over the workplace/personal boundary and it stirred up feelings of prior team members crossing said boundary in a negative way. I never meant harm but that was huge. Then I got back to Mi and was attacked with a 5mm kidney stone causing hydronephrosis (a fancy word for fluid retention in my kidney). It sucked! It came out of nowhere and I was needed for something for work, but I couldn’t do it because I was debating going to the ER. I had already taken a muscle relaxer and valium but it wasn’t cutting it. I never expected it to be a kidney stone as it presented itself [completely] different than any other stone I’ve had! I truly thought it was either my appendix or my ovary. 

It was a huge event week for us and there were some scheduling misunderstandings that made it appear like I wasn’t going to be working during important times, but I was!!! I take my job extremely seriously but with that recent mishap over trust and crossing the boundary, and the scheduling misunderstandings, and some stupid little mistakes I had been making while trying to learn/take over some things – it all piled up during a difficult time. 

After I ended up going to the ER I was told to take the week, heal and we’d circle back the next week. I knew something was wrong, especially after I reached out 3 times asking if I could show up for some things and was respectfully told to stand down. 

I.  Was. Gutted!! 

My job means everything to me and it was now on the line. That week was so incredibly difficult for me. Knowing just how busy this event was and the added stress my team was now under as a whole – made me sick. Not to mention how miserable the kidney stone made me, I had to miss Leighton’s choir concert, my dad & Igor’s birthday annnd plan, prepare, cross my fingers that I’d make it to Kellan’s FIRST real birthday party that weekend. If I had to miss it and let him down, with work being the way it was- I’m nauseous just thinking about it! OH, and it didn’t help that my in-laws were coming and would see my father for the first time since his diagnosis, which they knew nothing about. 

Ah yes, there’s the anxiety triggered tachycardia my heart knows all too well. ::takesdeepbreaths::

Two things I haven’t really discussed yet through my blog really. My in-laws and my father’s diagnosis. Now, my in-laws are a tricky subject because I need to tread lightly so as to not cross another boundary of speaking for my husband. I need to respect his feelings and not share more than what he’d want. But at the same time it is my blog, my truth and they are a big part of any issues that have been within my relationship, as you saw in [16.YearOne]. As for my dad, unfortunately he was diagnosed with a rare form of -Bulbar ALS- and it has been understandably difficult to witness. Now, I know he will be reading this and I don’t want to make him feel bad by any means, though it’s true, it is hard! Due to the nature of the relationship that I have with my daddy, I didn’t want my in-laws to find out because I knew how they would respond – or better, [lack thereof]. I knew that they would react in a way that would result in my being hurt and I didn’t want anything to do with it. So, we didn’t tell them and at the end of the birthday party, as they were leaving, they asked Igor what was “wrong”. He explained and they just said, >’oh’< and that was that. Never once have they mentioned it, asked anything about it, or even asked how he is doing since. I want to be respectful but it’s incredibly difficult to show respect for those who have zero respect for you and your family, their grandkids included. Maybe just saying this paints a picture for you without my needing to go into further details about them at this time? K.

Now that the vail has been broken and I am seeing what I had been avoiding, I’m drowning. It’s weird though, in the past when I have had a PMDD or depressive episode, I knew it. Without question, I knew when things weren’t right. Whatever it is that is going on now, I never realized it because I used a defense mechanism to completely wipe it all away. Breaking that wall down may have caused a flood but it’s absolutely still a struggle to consciously force myself to process things. And if I’m being totally honest, I’m not entirely sure how to. The only thing I can think of is to deliberately be time-intentional and make the effort to process, feel, heal. The only time therapy has worked for me was when I was working with a therapist who did basically what I do for a living, so I am unsure how a clinical therapist would help. Can’t forget to add on that I’m already in physical therapy 2-3x a week, see my doctor every 4-6 weeks, all the meds and supplements I take and don’t take but should take, it all adds up. I also know this is just a [money mindset problem] that can be altered but it’s difficult when again, your husband is battling his own money mindset battle and knowing that you’re taking away from something that he truly dreams of, isn’t an easy thing to face.

So, I work. 

I don’t believe that I have a work-life balance issue, but I can certainly see how some may think so just given the wall of isolation and avoidance. Plus, my job brings me >pure< joy!! So when it was on the line, hell yea I threw myself into it more, because if I wasn’t able to do the ONE thing where I ‘was’ [fully] confident in my capabilities, then what the actual fuck am I capable of doing? Hence why I didn’t recognize myself from the podcast. I was no longer confident and I needed to prove to my team, but especially myself, that I can do it! And I can. And I did! And then I stupidly pushed myself yesterday to try and get more done after I had walked away from work for the day, when I wasn’t in an ‘active work mindset,’ and made an oopsie. I am so mad at myself and was taken right back to May. Now, this oopsie wasn’t major but it certainly could have been and was super eye opening that when I’m done, I need to be done.

Annnnd now I see that maybe there is more of a balance offset than I truly believed. But again, it’s what makes me happy! Hell, no one can question my devotion after the fact I >turned down< -FREE- T.SWIFT Era tickets, due to the live intensive training for my life coach / personal development coaching certification!! I was literally SICK over it; I know I ultimately made the right choice but still cry and feel my heart is still broken a little bit. My love for Taylor is unmeasurable. I’ve been to 2 concerts and met her at one, I got lots of hugs and “I love yous” and it was one of the most incredible moments of my life, 13 years ago! 13!! HER number. I was 22 when I met her, MY number!!

…Okay, I’m getting sick again thinking about it. ::Pouts&TriesNotToCry::

Anyway, I’m not really sure where I was going with this entry when I first started writing it and therefore don’t really know if I spoke to everything I meant to as I finish it days later, but it’s an update! OH, and my boss’ book was just released, where I was interviewed and shared my story as one of the case studies for it; makes me kind of famous now, huh? Joking, kind of. It’s pretty cool though, nonetheless!!

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22. Jobs of the past.


Let us realize that: the privilege to work is a gift, the power to work is a blessing, the love of work is success! – David O. McKay

WOW! Okay, so I have been EXTRA busy with work since my last post, but -omggggg- do I LOVE MY JOB!! Seriously, I couldn’t be happier working with the people that I do, helping the people that {we} do. I am SO passionate about what this company has done for me, that I am just thriving being a part of the team! I know that it has been a [huge] adjustment for my husband, as I am now busy at times I didn’t used to be… ie: mornings before school, dinner/bedtimes for the kids, Sundays. But you know what? It’s a temporary adjustment and then it’ll become the norm, to an extent…

See, I joined the team at an interesting time. It was a month before things got busy with our final two launches of the year. I had a lot of training hours and then bam, the biggest event of the year + 2 major course launches. It’s all hands on deck and my hours are ALL over the place. For now. BUT that’ll slow down and kind of regulate as things change for the new year. And as busy as I am, I FREAKING LOVE IT! There are 6 of us and while I know 2 of them are technically my bosses, it feels like I just talk to my best friends all day! 🙂

With all of that said, I thought that this was a good opportunity to talk about my previous work history. Also due to the nature of my job, I tend to use a lot of exclamation points… I foresee that crossing over into my blog. Just putting it out there.

I remember my very first job interview like it was yesterday! I found it a little weird as I was interviewing with a boy {you’ll understand in a minute} but I remember I was wearing a jean skirt, a pink and yellow striped, capped sleeve with a sweetheart neckline t-shirt, and my cowrie shell necklace, that was in the shape of a star. WOW!! I mean, I know that I’m writing a blog with memories that date back over 30 years, but to remember my exact outfit 18 years later? Daaaaang even I’m impressed with my memory. Ha ha. Anyway, the reason why I find it so odd that a guy was interviewing as well, is the fact that I was interviewing for the most girliest girl stores ever! I mean, I don’t know about you, but as a little girl, I LOVED and spent literal hours inside one store, just marveling over -all- of the things! Can you guess what store that may be, given those facts? Yup, that’s right – good ol’ Claire’s!!

I absolutely loved everything about working at Claire’s! The people, the music, the merchandise, the mall. At the time when I started, Kristina was Manager, Amy and Tracey the Assistant Managers, and Kayla (a carbon copy of Melissa Joan Hart!) as 3rd Key a.k.a. part-time assistant manager. Then there was Megan, Bailee, Jamie and I as the remaining associates. We were all the same age, though Megan was a grade a head of the rest of us.

Claire’s was an easy target for delinquents trying to get away with stolen goods, or so they thought! I was incredible at catching thieves and I have zero problem tooting my own horn over it. Though I have to say, we all made a great team. There is one instance that really stands out in my mind, because I had an unexpected surprise, on a day that I really wished I hadn’t. Ha, ha. See, remember back in [09. First Love] I discussed the heartbreak and drama that came between Kevin and I, because of Beau? Yeahhh… So Beau was moving to Ohio with our mutual friend, to get a fresh start while our friend went to school. It only lasted maybe 4 months but that’s besides the point. He wanted to say goodbye and I knew work was probably the safest bet. Had Kevin known I had made plans to see him, it would have caused a lot of issues and I wanted to avoid that. But let’s be honest, I wanted to see Beau and say goodbye just as much as he did. While I respected Kevin’s feelings, I still had to respect my own, and seeing someone in a public setting, such as a store in a mall, isn’t something one always has control over. Right? Right. Irony is, Kevin decided to show up and surprise me that day. ::ofcourse:: Nope, I certainly didn’t have control over seeing someone in a public setting, such as a store in a mall. <- Why do I feel anxious just thinking about it? Oh, memories. Anyway, that day I had walked right past Kevin, not even noticing him (which is -incredibly- difficult to do, given he was nearly 6’10”!) following two girls as they left the store. Not even three stores down they had stopped, started laughing and pulling their loot out of their pockets – just in time to see me standing there, with my hand out, asking them to follow me. It was such a rush of excitement, I felt like a badass; which is not me at all! Ha. As we were walking back Kev was just leaning there against the glass outside Claire’s. I was in total shock!! He laughed and said he wondered how long it was going to take me to see him. I went from the rush of catching shoplifters, to holy shit what if Beau shows up and Kevin sees him? Helllllllo anxiety. Kev ended up hanging around the mall until my shift was over, and I was both mad and disappointed. Disappointed that Kevin was there, and mad he hung around, causing me such anxiety and guilt over “getting caught” – even though I wasn’t doing anything wrong! Oh, and disappointed by the fact that Beau never showed up. Or so I thought… No, as it turns out Beau did in fact show up, but when he got there, he had seen my surprised reaction to Kevin being there and walked right past us as I was giving Kevin a kiss. Seriously?! Is my life a movie? It feels like it has to be, some things are just that unbelievable, even to myself! Man.

ANYway, for 6 months everything was going great, until a new district manager was hired and [dramaaa] began. I’ll never forget the night Kristina locked up the store, and then threw her keys back into the store, through the medal gate! She was -done-… That was how she quit. My manager. ::sideShiftyeyes:: Amy was moved up to interim Manager with hopes of making it perminate. Megan was then made a 3rd Key, and things were good for a while. But unfortunately, drama continued and one by one we all left the store. It really was a sad moment in my life, especially since Kevin and I weren’t in a great place at that time. Not to mention I was STILL recovering from my second knee surgery. Annnd it was also around that time that I started getting really, really sick, and the new district manager had major attitude over it!! My mother went with me the day that I quit, as my anxiety over it was making me physically ill (I hate letting people down). Well, that and the fact I still couldn’t drive with my knee in a brace. I had NO idea that the new DM was going to be there that night, but I still needed to follow through. She didn’t even allow Amy the option of giving me my final 2 weeks; I was {done}.

A few months later when I was really sick and doing homebound schooling, my Uncle Dave agreed to give me a sense of purpose, and gave me a job part-time doing data entry for my grandfather’s insurance agency, Associated Group Underwriters. I was only able to sit at the computer a few minutes at a time, but it gave me something to do and I didn’t feel as useless as I had been feeling. It was short lived but it was something!

Once my health started to stabilize and I was able to get back out in the [real world], Amy – my old a.m./manager at Claire’s, got me an associate’s position at the clothing store, Charlotte Russe. She was the assistant manager there, but was also trying to get the managing position back at Claire’s, as higher management had an overhaul. Eventually she did and left Charlotte Russe, with promises that she’d bring me back as soon as she could! During my short stint at Charlotte Russe, I really only befriended one co-worker. I feel absolutely terrible about this, but I for the life of me cannot remember her name… ::HoldsHandsOverEyes:: It started with an M and was very unique. We only hung out a few times outside of work for her to do my hair. She had finished beauty school but hadn’t taken a full-time job in the field yet. So, she did my hair in her parent’s basement, ha, ha. I made a promise to myself when I was 10 years old, that I wanted long hair for Senior pictures, and then would donate my hair sometime after that. WELL that time had come, I donated 14.5 inches and went back blonde, with some fun magenta peek-a-boos! I enjoyed working at Charlotte Russe, but one of the things that I really didn’t like about working there, was the seniority set up. That and the fact that I had gotten Jessie [06.HS/11.Childhood Friendships+] a job there, only for it to backfire, as it was right at the time of her self sabotaging. Then there was a holiday hire that just brought gut punches of painful memories. She was a former cheerleader at Salem [06.HS/Diagnosis] with me, but on a higher ranked squad. We never really interacted too much, but she always had that typical, ‘I’m hot and better than you’ attitude. Kevin also started hanging out with her during school lunches, towards the end of things, before we actually broke up. SOOOooo needless to say, I did -not- like this girl and yet, that seniority set up required me to be the one to train her. Good grief did I need Amy to find me a spot, STAT!

Once back in charge, Amy first brought Kayla back as her assistant manager, and then brought Megan on as a 3rd key, again. At the time, there was another 3rd key named Ashley, and 2 associates, Kristin and Shebon. Due to only having 2 associates, who were both highschool students, Amy needed someone else full-time, which meant another assistant manager. SO, Megan got moved up to a.m., and to my surprise, Amy wanted me to be a 3rd key, instead of an associate. ::eeek::  Again, to explain the differences, a 3rd key is a part-time assistant manager. They have all the same duties such as opening/closing the store, bank deposits, making managing decisions- just less hours and no benefits. FINE by me! I was SO excited to be back with 3 of the original crew, we really were like a family! Remember, Megan and her cousin, Shannon [11.Childhood Friendships+] brought me a giant handmade card, wishing me luck when I had to go to the Mayo Clinic.[06.HS/Diagnosis] Things were going great!

The following summer there was a Borders Books opening up in Canton and I thought, why not? I mean, we all know that I was {not} the biggest reader at the time, but the store was super close, huge, and they needed a ton of employees to fill all the different positions. So, I applied. And I got the job. And I was working full-time between working there and at Claire’s, and going to school part-time that fall. OH, and that fall was also when I found out about Christopher getting married. [13.Survivor] <- That would be alot for any healthy person, but someone who was chronically ill, and not too far out from the biggest flair of their life, it probably wasn’t the wisest of choices… But how was I supposed to know? I was newly diagnosed, on the right meds, and was -so- unprepared in the understanding that chronic health issues are a lifelong battle of ups and downs, flares and remissions. My body started to fight back. There was an instance while working at Claire’s when it was just an associate and I one evening, she was taking her break so I was alone in the store, annnnnd I passed out… I happened to be in the back corner of the store, so it’s a damn good thing it was a weekday evening, for the mall was practically empty!! I have no idea how long I was out but a nice older couple was fussing around me as I came too. I really don’t remember too much about the incident other than that. ::doeeyes:: And the decision to leave Claire’s was starting to take form. I was devastated to quit working there, but I was barely getting any hours and it wasn’t worth the gas to get there. Plus, I made more money at Borders.

I’ll never forget my interview with Borders, either. I met with the G.M. first, and when I introduced myself he thought that I said, “Jella”… huh? How? That was the first time anyone had ever thought that’s what I was saying; though, oddly enough, it wasn’t the last! What? How? Ha, ha. I just don’t understand. ::shrugsshoulders::

I loved working at Borders! It’s where I was first introduced to T. Swift, and the rest is history. Though, they wouldn’t play her C.D. for me often, bastards. However, they did make up for it by playing the soundtrack to “Across the Universe” often, just for me. There is just something about that soundtrack! I know I’ll probably get backlash for this, but I so prefer the movie’s versions over the originals. ::sorrynotsorryBeatlesfans:: I made so many good friends working there, some of whom I’m still in contact with today, even if only through social media, just like my Claire’s girls! <3 Korrin, Amanda, Trevor, Holly, Shannon, Neidee, Lisa, Maureen, Jeff, Tim – there really are so many more people that I could name in which I just simply adored! Korrin, Amanda and Holly were my closest friends, though. Amanda and I were exceptionally close and even at each other’s weddings, years after working at Borders together. I never considered myself a bad influence, but I did sneak her into a different country, just so she could drink legally, when she turned 19. I don’t know if her parents ever found out that we went to Canada but it sure was fun! Ha, ha. <- OOOMG sitting here writing this, I realized that I completely forgot a whole other friendship to discuss!! Actually, a few.. Goodness!!! What triggered my memory was thinking about the first time I went to Canada to drink. I’ll have to address my poor choices on that subject at a later date. ::turnsRedandLooksaway::

I’m not exactly sure where this falls in the timeline, but I was still at Borders so it’ll fit here appropriately. Marion’s mom [10.Twin Flame] was the principal at a small private elementary school. She asked me if I’d be interested in being a cheer coach for a short season, teaching the girls the basics, and then having them put on a performance to wrap up the season. Uh, YES! I was so excited, nervous because I was in charge of 15 or so kids, ages 5-10, teaching them the sport that triggered my health to decline, but still excited nonetheless. Not to mention, I really wasn’t a kid person. But oh my goodness, I was like a proud mama bear; they did SO well!! They all loved it and their parents’ praised my efforts. The whole thing brought up a lot of emotion for me, but overall I’m glad I had that experience. Wow, sitting here reflecting back, I feel like I’ve lived 20 something different lifetimes! There are so many aspects about myself that I don’t even recognize.

Anyway, tearful memory lane is over. Although, can I really say that memory lane is over when I’m continuing to write about my past? Details, am I right?… As Igor [14.Forever&Always] and I were getting closer and it was evident that an engagement was on the cusp, I started looking at jobs closer to White Lake. As previously mentioned, there was a good 30/40 minute drive between us on a typical day. I was still going to school about halfway between us and it just made sense, since I was more than likely going to be moving in with him, once we were engaged. -Spoiler Alert- I didn’t. And no that’s not really a spoiler alert, just see [12.Life Detour]. Since my psychic abilities were packed, hidden away in the depths of my consciousness, I didn’t foresee that detour, and I ended up quitting Borders. I applied to be a bank teller just up the road from Igor’s condo, but ultimately decided against it and wanted to put my focus on finishing school. Oh Universe, you’re so good at making jokes, even if they’re not always funny. In the slightest. At all.

Borders was my last official, on the record, money making, taxes paying job – until The Sisters Enchanted. ::mindblown:: 13 years. It took me 13 years to land a job that actually paid money… We know this was not by choice, but holy cow! Borders may have been my last official job, but I did have my externship at an ER/Urgent Care cross over. It was originally an offsite, lower level ER, but they were in the process of turning it into an urgent care. It was reaaaallly weird that as a medical assisting student, I was considered more qualified and able to do more with patients, than former medics. At the urgent care, they were essentially only allowed to be patient care techs, while I was able to administer medication, give shots, draw blood, start IV’s, and assist with minor procedures. I still don’t understand how, but I’m grateful I could! I saw some >wicked< things while working there, let me tell ya! I’ll spare you details, but let’s just say maggots and degloving for funsies. Did that just gross you out? Imagine living it… ::turnsgreen&cheekspuffed:: gahhhh!

It was after my externship had ended and I was awarded my certification by the AAMA, that I got sick again, thus leading to the past 13 years without a “real” job. I swear as I’m writing that I’ve already shared things; I have to keep going back to previous entries to see, only to discover that I haven’t, and I just don’t understand how I havent? Maybe I’m just thrown off as I’m not writing regularly at this present time, and jumping around? Lost my groove of telling my story in order. I have no idea, but I [know] that I’ve written about things before, now I just have to figure out where, if not here… ::handToChinAsIthink:: I’m so confused right now. Ha, ha. Maybe that’s my cue to end things here. Trusting my intuition, check!

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Hello, New Me! pt. 2

“It’s all about new me.” – Lity Munshi

I know I left you hanging and I do apologize; but if I hadn’t broken these up that blog entry would have been doubled the size of any other entry, and from what my husband has said, entries aren’t supposed to be >that< long. Though this is still long AF… ::shrugsshoulders::

So what were my 3 intentions that I wanted to change while I worked through Holistic Witchery?

Initially I wanted to change the way that I think about myself and the way I feel about how I handle life with 2E [Twice Exceptional] children, especially Leighton being neurodivergent. However, as I got thinking and working, I realized it’s not about -how- I think about myself but -why- I feel the way I do. Which also made me realize that it’s more that I needed to change the way I think in terms of Leighton. And then for my surroundings was an easy/obvious one after the chaos of Covid. I need to get my home back in order, I needed to get organized in every way possible!! But the question was, what did they all have in common that I could use as one intention to focus on?

The answer: Balance!!

You see, I’ve never felt comfortable doing things by myself. Going to a store without another adult/peer, I felt that I didn’t belong. My senses were on high alert and I felt disoriented. Even being out with my children just didn’t feel right. I would get anxious even just being in my front yard alone, which left me inside, anti-social and my landscaping neglected. Plenty of neighbors are outside with their kids or doing yardwork and I just couldn’t with them there, without someone else with me. Of course these are not rational feelings, which is why I figured out it’s not a matter of thinking but a matter of why. Why do I feel this way? What causes me to feel so drastically different doing something alone vs. with another adult? I thought maybe it was a confidence thing, like how I hate talking on the phone because of my processing disorder. I lose my train of thought, can’t get the right words out and sound like a babbling bimbo. The deep rooted shadow of “not being good enough” seemed to fit. Although, I have come to see that this is more of a problem with my generation as a whole. We grew up in the era of online chatting and texting for communication. The anxiety is there for almost everyone in one way or another, therefore, lack of confidence is too surface level to be the [real] shadow.

No, the real issue at bay, which in a way could be lack of confidence I suppose, is the lack of {believing} in myself. <- I know that sounds rather surface level as well, but here’s where the deep “AH HA” comes in. As I explained in [06.HS/Diagnosis], I was really sick as a teenager. I couldn’t do things on my own, whether it was because it was dangerous or I simply just couldn’t physically. I woke up too many times in a bathtub filled with cold water when I was just trying to shower. I didn’t know when I was going to end up face first on the ground or hitting my head hard enough for a concussion from dropping. It. Wasn’t. Safe. Over the years my health has been up and down, especially through hormonal transitions from pregnancies, nursing, weaning, etc. With all of my deep diving through Holistic Witchery, I realized that somewhere in my subconscious I have been stuck between being a healthy, capable adult and the bedridden teenager I once was. ::BAM::mindblown:: I have been “sick” most of my life but after getting a diagnosis 17 years ago, I’ve done enough research and am in tune enough with my body, that I know when I’m [really] sick vs. just not pushing hard enough. <- and I HATE to say it that way but it’s true. However, it’s not about fear of pushing myself too hard but rather… at all in some cases.

I came to the conclusion that I have been using past experiences as a crutch. The fear of something happening while out on my own, is my lack of {belief} in myself. The lack of trusting that I know myself well enough by now to know if I really will be okay. With this, also comes my lack of driving. Yes, there are absolutely days and stretches of time when I cannot get behind the wheel. It wouldn’t be safe for me or anyone else. But that lack of belief in myself rings true here, with the help of anxiety and a side of PTSD. After the car accident [12. Life Detour] I was left with PTSD, I mean who wouldn’t after experiencing what I went through? Although, I was able to overcome it and drive regularly again, until I wasn’t. When I hit longer stretches of being sick, I know I’m not well enough to drive. However, I have also concluded that I use being sick as a crutch to also allow anxiety and deep rooted PTSD to keep me from going out and/or driving. This is where the lack of pushing myself hard enough and/or at all comes into play. There are days that may be [iffy] as to whether or not I should drive, but those ‘iffy’ days are a wide spectrum of gray, and more so lean towards the ability to vs. ability not to. Deep down I probably already knew this, but a shadow is a shadow and buried deep for a reason!

Since this revelation? I have driven myself to meet up with Mom#2 [07. Ode to My Mentors] for tea, I have taken the kids and myself to my dad’s pool, taken both boys to Menards by myself, taken Leighton to a doctor’s appointment, myself to a doctor’s appointment and a few curbside pickups. I’m sure there are probably a few other smaller things, like to my mom’s, but these alone are huge! Prior to this summer, I could count on my hands the number of times I drove from the Fall/Winter of 2017 to this Summer… it’s fkin sad. Don’t get me wrong, there were >definitely< periods of [long] stretches where I really was -too- sick, but looking back now, I can see where there were days I likely could have driven but fear got in the way. Now, did it feel weird AF driving and being out? Absolutely! Did I still feel like I didn’t belong and disoriented while at Menards with the kids? Absolutely! And I know that it will for a long while, if not forever, honestly. But that’s okay! I found the {why}, therefore I know that the only thing holding me back is myself – and I don’t want to anymore!! I KNOW that I AM [capable]! I am finding the balance between being that sick teenager and the healthy, capable adult.

Now for changing the way I think about how I deal with Leighton. If that even makes sense? As I’ve already explained in [Twice Exceptional], having 2E children is no walk in the park, especially when they’re neurodivergent. My mother has always praised me for how I deal with/handle Leighton and his “episodes”. I try my best but I won’t lie that it’s hard AF and beyond exhausting. It has challenged my marriage and my mental health. As a mother it breaks my heart to even say this, but our relationship seemed [forced] out of obligation at times. After nearly 10 years I found myself just feeling more and more negative towards him, even though I knew it wasn’t his fault. Yes, he may be a master manipulator, but at the end of the day he is still neurodivergent.

As I worked through Holistic Witchery I knew I needed to work on myself in order to change my mindset around him. He is very science minded, black and white, and if he can’t see it to prove and/or explain it, he doesn’t believe it. We already know Igor [14. Forever & Always] doesn’t believe in -any- of this, even though the science IS there. He just doesn’t understand it. Ha ha. That said, let’s talk about crystals for a moment. Science has proven that -everything- has different vibrational frequencies, right? And that energy can be manipulated based on those different frequencies. So wouldn’t it just be a scientific fact that an object radiating a certain level of energy could manipulate your own frequencies? And with that said, wouldn’t it make sense that different crystals, with their own different frequencies, could affect one self? Sounds simple enough to me… Do I believe that crystals can cure things over medical intervention? No. Do I believe that crystals can change your emotions or mindset, put up a ‘shield’ to protect your own energy from taking on others around you, or aid in the healing of certain ailments? Yes. Is it possible that it is just a placebo effect? Absolutely. Is there anything wrong with that if it helps someone become the best version of themself? Absolutely not!

Being the ever so inquisitive child that he is, obviously he wanted to know more about what I was learning and how things worked. About two years ago he was interested in tarot but Igor and I agreed that I’d take a step back from teaching him about it, as he wasn’t fully grasping the psychology behind it. He saw it as cut and dry and took everything at face value. Now that he’s older he’s understanding things differently. In fact Igor joked that I broke our child because he was able to explain how people born on the same day, at the same location and time could have different astrological birth charts, because they’re not in the exact same location in terms of degrees. I laughed so hard because that was [not] something I had taught him; I actually hadn’t spoken to him about astrology at all before that! He then went on to discuss how there are actually 13 Zodiacs and a whole bunch of other space knowledge. <- In case you missed it, he’s been obsessed with all things -space- for over 5 years, when he decided he wanted to be an actual rocket engineer. His dream is to help put man on Mars and my goodness I’m sure he will!

Anyway, as I learned more about honing in on my intuition, Leighton started to notice and understand that he too is [sensitive] and really connected. Which has been hard for him because he doesn’t understand how he just >knows< things. He is stuck between logic and feeling and still trying to figure out what it is that he believes himself. Which is perfectly fine, he knows both mine and his father’s views, and all we can do is explain why we believe what we do and let him figure it out for himself. Suficeive to say that his clairsentience and claircognizance are strengthening and it’s difficult to navigate when both parents aren’t on board. He absolutely hates whenever he hears about, reads or sees someone getting hurt. He could never explain why until this summer… As it turns out, he physically >feels< the pain that someone else is enduring, even just fictional characters in a book or movie. Talk about taking emath to the next level! He has also described things that he sees such as auras and colored symbols. Being the science guy that he is, he didn’t believe the thought behind crystals either. Of course, it doesn’t help when his dad bashes it. BUT, I knew he was struggling. The more my “powers” unlocked, his did too. Even Kellan has been bringing things up out of the blue lately that are spot on without any way of knowing. I think it’s safe to say that the energy within our household is definitely changing.

One day the light bulb inside my head went off. I realized that it wasn’t the way I think about him or handling his episodes, it was about helping him take control for himself. Through therapy and everything in the book, nothing helped in terms of coping mechanisms. So, I decided to try a different approach. For those who don’t know crystals, black tourmaline is believed to be one of the best protection stones. It helps shield your energy from negative getting in or positive getting out. If that’s too ::woo woo:: for you, think of it in terms of vibrational frequencies. It helps keep you neutral without being affected. I bought a couple different tumbled stones and told him to feel them, really truly pay attention to his mind, body and soul. He could take one and walk away, try a different one. Just see if he notices anything different among them. <- That was the day Leighton became a believer. He couldn’t get over how dark and heavy one stone made him feel or how light and airy the other did. He felt a sense of calm he’d never experienced before and his whole mindset changed. In fact, he had been afraid of “witches” ever since his second grade teacher read The Witches during class. Like, legit nightmares for years. When I started Holistic Witchery and some pathways in Enchanted Journey, I learned more historical backgrounds and tried educating him. That was when I started saying that I was a witch – trying to show him that how they’re portrayed in books and movies is simply false narratives. My doing so was more to help ease his fear from the book but it completely changed his mind about everything he thought in terms of the subject.

This summer we took a family trip to Traverse City with my dad and Brian. Before leaving for the trip I mentioned that there was a crystal store that we’d go to where he could pick out his own crystals. Something that he feels drawn to, to keep him safe. While the black tourmaline made him feel better, everyone has different frequencies remember? Therefore, different stones work differently for different people. To my surprise there was a new “witchy” store that had just opened a few months prior. I was SO excited to pick up supplies but also for Leighton to experience it. Igor and Kellan were bored as can be and left us there, but Leighton? Leighton lit up like a Christmas tree! You could just see the spark within him. He did the same thing with a few tumbled stones there and ended up picking out snowflake obsidian (similar to black tourmaline while also bringing balance between the mind, body and spirit.) and lapis lazuli, which is also a protective stone but also brings about confidence with self awareness and expression, and deep inner peace. After we left with some awesome goodies I asked him what he thought. He LOVED it and felt like he [belonged]!! He can’t wait to visit another metaphysical store and has already asked a few times when we’d be going. Oh my sweet child, you are my baby boy! Ha, ha. Things between us started changing and getting good early in the program but after visiting that store, everything changed for us. We now have this connection that isn’t forced and I genuinely want to spend time with him; and I even look forward to snuggling at night, which was something I used to dread. Yeah, I’d say this intention for change is checked off.

Next we have changing my surroundings. Just one look around the house and it was super obvious what needed to be done. EveRythINg! Though it wasn’t just my house, it was my life in general. Due to being sick for so long prior to Covid, and then having the kids home for a year and a half, everything got turned upside down. As I’m sure it did with most everyone. I used to have a daily/monthly/yearly cleaning schedule but all of that went out the window. It was too hard to keep up with, with everyone home and no one helping. Plus my major PMDD spiral [Awakening] at the end of summer 2020. Life had just been a mess. Which is exactly why I started this blog and joined TSE: I didn’t want others to feel alone, but at the same time, I realized through the community at TSE, that I myself am not alone. I’m telling ya, the community alone is worth it, haha.

But seriously. I needed organization in my life more than ever! I made myself a daily schedule that has a timeline for myself to get certain things done, an area for daily gratitude, an affirmation, and then extra notes or things to remember to do. I also made myself a new daily/monthly/yearly cleaning schedule that would better fit life these days. I made both of them pretty, and colorful, and they bring me such joy when I see them. Heck, I even laminated them and bought wet erase markers. Yup, getting my surroundings balanced was underway, but I was just getting started!

Igor and I had always talked about things we wanted to get done around the house, updating wise, but after 9 years nothing was getting done. Literally. Landscaping did but we didn’t have a choice. <- I kid you not, my house is a hot spot for trees being taken out by mother nature. Which is ironic as we ourselves have removed 9 from the front yard and 3 in the back. Mother nature took it upon herself to strike 2 trees right next to each other with lighting, a few years apart. Lightning doesn’t strike the same place twice, huh? I have proof otherwise. Unless you’re going to be like Leighton and argue for the sake of trying to prove me wrong, because it wasn’t the “exact spot”. ::rolleyes:: But seriously, in the back 3 full trees and 2 separate half trees have been knocked down. Then the city removed one in front due to disease and just this past week half of another tree was hit by lightning in front. WTF is going on? Michigan isn’t supposed to have this crazy weather!! Oh wait, hi global warming. ::shakeshead::

Anyway, sorry, I didn’t mean to go on a tangent about trees and the weather. Just needless to say landscaping was a necessity. But you know, homeownership is for the birds. And yes, I am about to go on another tangent because this is my reality. You have a problem, try to fix said problem, the problem still exists. Then a new problem appears which ultimately leads to needing remodeling work done, which leads to discovering [new] problems, which leads to more remodeling and so forth. It’s a stupid cycle! If you don’t own a home, don’t do it. Just don’t. You’ll thank me one day…

Okay, so the second tangent goes with my changing the surroundings to a point. Like I said, we had plans to update our house but just never did, cause you know – money. The one thing that I wanted done first was new flooring in the kitchen and family room, and Igor wanted new kitchen countertops. Which, I don’t blame him, they really were horrible! Our master bath’s are also horrible but I am ok with the cheap fix with contact paper for now. Err.. well, ever, because priorities have certainly changed as of this summer. ANYwho. So, last fall we noticed our kitchen cabinets were starting to fall apart. We thought maybe some was due to water damage since we got a new roof in 2019 due to leaking. Turns out it wasn’t damaged but rather just junk. Our cabinets literally started to crumble. In fact, as Igor was removing one it all came apart and the shelves slammed down onto his head. ::sadfaces:: In March of this year we decided to go with a new Ikea kitchen. I designed it, we met with a member at the store, had their guy come measure but we sat on it. Igor couldn’t decide between a wall oven with a cooktop or a new range all together. I personally would have been fine with the range but whatevs. So for a few more months we played around with designs until I had enough.

Since Igor had to work my mom took me to Ikea to meet with a new kitchen specialist, to assure that our design was going to work and finalize everything. If you hadn’t already figured out that I am a person who second guesses everything and hates to make decisions, then I’d say you’re not actually reading my blog posts. But do you know what my new found confidence from TSE allowed me to do? I bought the damn cabinets!! Igor was in a meeting and I couldn’t get a hold of him and I just did it. > I < made the decision! Nevermind the fact that as soon as I sat in the car, I had to stick my head out of the door to throw up, right there in the parking lot. ::hidesInshame:: I have never had that happen before, ever! I didn’t even realize that my nerves were so heightened but it makes sense. My mom said that she had never seen me so composed, unanxious – I was like a completely different person going through that purchasing process. I’m sure you know what I mean when your parents tell you they’re proud of you, it’s just like “yeah, okay, thanks.” <- or maybe you don’t. I am sorry to assume; I know that I am very fortunate to have such a supportive family and that not everyone hears their parents tell them they’re proud of them. I think [my] parents have told my husband how proud of him they are more than his own ever have. Please know that I don’t take those words for granted, all I’m saying is, that day I {really} -felt- her words!!

When we went to Ikea in March they told us it could take 12-18 weeks to get all of our cabinets delivered/in stock. And when we met with countertop places they said it would be 4-8 weeks -after- the countertops were installed. WHaa??? I think that’s why we sat on it. It just seemed like the process would take forever and we’d be living in a nightmare. Little did I know, after ordering the cabinets the bulk of the order was able to be delivered less than 2 weeks later. Maybe that added to my getting sick in the parking lot, because it just got real, real fast! So they were delivered and I went to town building the bases of them. Out of 30 cabinets, I had all but maybe 6 completed within a week and a half. I was ready to get the ball roooolling. Problem was, we had no idea who would do the actual installing. We hadn’t found our countertops or flooring either. Hello stress overload, not so nice to meet you again.

My father in law is the kind of guy who [knows a guy] for everything. Being in that Ukrainian/Russian speaking network has its perks… to a point. Both of his guys said they couldn’t do the full projects until the Fall. So, I also went to town on disassembling the kitchen to help speed things up and hopefully make it cheaper for when we hired someone else. Buuuut my FIL wasn’t having it and convinced one of his guys that it wouldn’t be that big of a project, just come in and hang the cabinets. OMG did I feel terrible for him, he was so manipulated and I had no idea. My FIL also convinced his other guy to send one of his employees to do the flooring. What should have been a 2 day project turned into a 5 day project and a second guy was brought in for days 3-5. ::oyy:: This is where the point of why you shouldn’t be a homeowner comes into play. Upon removal of the carpet in the family room, we discovered that our door to the deck, one we NEVER use, was rotting on the inside from water damage. We knew the outside was an issue and that getting new windows was the only option to fix it. Which we planned to do, but again, money.,, one income household of 4 and a cat. So, we needed to remove the subfloor, bleach the heck out of everything structural to remove any built up mildew, and spray a ton of anti-mold stuff or something like that. All I know is the family room was tapped off with plastic for almost 24 hours. Now the pressure is back on to try to find someone for windows asap. We met with 3 companies last year but again, sat on it. And now with inflation it’s a nightmare! Remember when I said it would take 4-6 weeks for countertops? Yeah, I dreaded that process most of all! BUT in actuality, the whole process took less than two weeks, thankfully!! It took 8 FULL days broken up over the span of 4 weeks to get all of our cabinets installed, plus lighting and electrical replaced. And that’s just bases installed. Igor and I have been spending most of our free time building all of the drawers, installing them, installing doors, and adding hardware for like 2 weeks now and it’s still not done! So. Many. Drawers… Not to mention they messed up and sent us things we don’t need and left out some things we do. Cool.

::Breath::

I honestly have no idea when the kitchen will actually get painted, backsplash installed, or the decorative stips on the cabinets will be installed, but it’s getting there. I am SO excited to start the organizing process of the new drawers and everything! I got plastic bins and containers so I can ditch the boxes. We had to get all new cookware for the new induction cooktop, that I chose [purple] to match what the kitchen -will- be! Yes, I will have a purplish kitchen, and yes am I excited. Ha, ha. <- So alas, I legit changed my surroundings in the form of designing a kitchen that’ll better fit our needs, and allow me to keep things better organized.

I really am in such an amazing place, mindset wise! I am confident. I am capable. I am balanced. I am courageous. I am not afraid of failing, as it’s just lessons learned. I am not allowing my comfort zone to hold me hostage. I am thriving. AND I am [employed]! YES, yes you did read that correctly!!

Remember the last post where I mentioned that I reached out to -The Sisters Enchanted- and asked for a job flat outright? About that… as I’ve already mentioned, I went into this with a goal in mind: to work on myself and figure out a way to make money. At one point earlier this summer, I thought that maybe I’d get more into tie dying and sell some work, which, I guess is still a possibility. The kitchen remodel kind of took over my whole summer and so many plans went out the window. But, that is okay!! My heart is with what TSE has to offer and in just 4 months, they must have seen it as well! I {legit} worked my >own magic< and manifested a job for myself!! WHAT!? Yeah, that scared woman in limbo is no more. It has only been a week since I started as an independent contractor, working in Customer Service and Student Support with a little Operations on the side. AND I COULDN’T LOVE IT MORE!! I am just so happy to be a part of the vision that Sara Walka created! I have also been entrusted as the group “Mom” for one of their smaller, most intimate groups. It is my job to keep them engaged and encouraged, with all the love, light and support I can give! I have found my purpose! It’s still so surreal considering it’s been almost 11 years since I stopped working at the urgent care, and have been a SAHM ever since! Nothing is coincidence, it was Taurus’ New Moon where I set my financial intentions, and by the end of Taurus’ Full Moon cycle, I will have completed the ‘90’ day trial that I was initially set up with. But the funny thing is, after only one week, they’re all already talking about long term plans and using “when” instead of “if”. Yeah, I think this is going to work well for us all! <3

And on that note: If you are interested in checking out what TSE is about and how they can help you, help yourself, to become the best version of yourself that you can be – they/we? (OMG, it is we!) are hosting a 5 day workshop called, Magic Week, where you’ll walk away knowing your Expansion Archetype, with a sense of how to manifest and live a magical life based on your individual result. It all starts October 7th and if you’re interested, or would even like to just read more about it, you can do so here: The Sisters Enchanted’s Magic Week workshop. 

I am telling you, it is never too late and AlwAys worth it, to invest in yourself!!! And no, I promise you this blog hasn’t just become an add for TSE and I wont be throwing promotions at you left and right. I just really believe in what they’re all about! ::nodshead::
Love, light and hugs to all!

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Hello, New Me! pt. 1


“Forget everything you’ve done. Start over.” – Marty Rubin

Hi, so I know it’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted, but over the past 4 months I have been going through the >biggest< personal transformation of my life!!

Actually, it started much before then if we’re being honest. We know that I set out to find myself again near the end of 2019 and reeeallly dove deep after a downward spiral in summer of 2020. We also know that in April of this year that I took part in something called, “Expedition to Soul” with [The Sisters Enchanted :TSE:] after doing their 21  day self-care challenge. Let me just say, TSE has completely -changed- my life!! So much so that I even reached out inquiring about a job as I believe in what they represent and can do for women! But I’ll get back to that!

See, The Sisters Enchanted believe in leading with kindness, living a soul-led life with intention, through intuition and everyday magic. They have a blog, podcast and offer many free classes, which is where I started with the 2 above. But I needed more. I felt this swirling within me, that what I was doing with their help was everything I ever needed for myself!  

They have what they call, ‘the school of magic’ and offer many different courses, Holistic Witchery and Expedition Astrology being their big 2. And yes, this may sound too ::woo woo:: for some, but please trust me and hear me out…

Part of the reason it’s called [witchery] is for -rebellion- against the patriarchy and how women (and/or anyone considered “different”) of the past were treated. <- now these are my words but the founder chooses to call herself a “witch” because it does in fact make her feel rebellious. It’s an ode to everyone who has ever been considered “different”. My last post, [w.i.t.c.h.] explains all about that and how there is such a negative stigma against the word “witch”.  And at the risk of sounding redundant, I repeat Devon Cole sang it best when she voiced that a witch is just a “woman in total control of herself”! However, don’t let the name fool you! You don’t have to be a self proclaimed “witch” to join. Infact, a good majority of their students are even Christian. Why/how is that? It’s because TSE isn’t about religion, it’s about helping (primarily women, but all are welcome!) live the lives they’ve always wanted. How to rewrite the story that most of us have been told when it comes to how women are “supposed” to be, act, and present themselves. They help you overcome trauma via [shadow work] and re-write the narrative. Psychologist Carl Jung defined the “shadow” as being the unknown dark side of one’s personality. Everything has light and shadow, hiding from your shadow only makes it worse. You cannot live your best life without acknowledging the parts of yourself you want to forget and/or ignore. You need to embrace all of yourself, including your past, as it has gotten you to where you are today! Which in turn will lead you to where you want to go, tomorrow.

I am writing this post because A) the whole point of this blog is to tell my story and help others in any way that I can. B) because I myself still feel that uncomfortable pit in my stomach when I tell someone new about The Sisters Enchanted and Holistic Witchery. I still get… not embarrassed, but almost like I don’t want to be looked at as [crazy], because society and the entertainment industry has turned it into a false narrative. But here’s the thing… The word “witch” means something different to all who use it as a description for themselves. Even to those who don’t consider themselves one, the word itself is different for everyone! Within my immediate family I’ll call myself one, but it’s also a description that has a time and a place, and I do respect other’s views. I may try to educate them like I have via this blog, but again, respect. And that respect is just as much for -myself- as someone else. I >won’t< allow myself to be ::bullied:: for my beliefs, but one of the many things The Sisters Enchanted has taught me, is setting and respecting {boundaries}!!

Yes, you do learn the -tricks of the trade- but they’re all just tools to help yourself. You have to remember, everything that was/is considered ‘witchcraft’ was just [a way of life] once before. Tarot? A scientifically proven {tool} to help one unlock parts of their subconscious and see things in a different light, not some fortune telling parlor trick. Working with the Lunar cycle could simply just be a reminder to keep you on track with your intentions. The greatest thing about TSE is that you don’t have to do everything or anything that you’re not comfortable with. They present to you ALL of the options for you to find what works best for you! Sara Walka, the founder of The Sisters Enchanted, created what is known as the 5i spiral. It represents the stages of what it is that you want to achieve and how to make it happen. This is where using the Lunar cycle can keep you accounted for.

1. Intention. You set your intention at the New Moon.  Intention is different than a goal, it’s more about how you want to [feel] when it comes to something. In Holistic Witchery you have to set 3 intentions to work on during your courses. Three things that you want to change; a way you think about something, the way you feel about something and something in your physical environment. You then use the 5i spiral to work it out.
2. Integration. From the New Moon to the 1st quarter moon, you reflect on your intention. The 1st quarter moon is then where you start to integrate your intention into your everyday life with the help of your energy/chakra centers.
3. Insight. By the Full Moon you should have a better understanding of what is and isn’t working from integrating your intention. Here is where you use insight (through shadow work) to reflect on it. If things aren’t working out, reflect on why. Is it because you’re not putting in the work? Is it because your intention is too large, too broad, and needs to be broken down into smaller, more achievable intentions? Here is where you take the time to think that through.
4. Ideate. As you reflect and gain insight around the Full Moon, by the 3rd quarter moon is when you start to rethink everything. You bring together what you have learned and make a plan going forward, enchanting/’bewitching’ your everyday life. Does your intention need to be broken down? If yes, what would that look like and how could you then integrate it? If not, what should you keep doing or change to make it even better?
5. Intuition. By the time the New Moon comes around again, you should have an overall better understanding of your intention with the help of divination. Did you succeed? Do you need to keep this intention for a few months? What have you learned during the month that will help feed your intuition, to know what is right or wrong for yourself?

While intention setting can be set to the Lunar cycles, it can also be set during the year. Intention setting is always done at the beginning of the year when New Year’s resolutions are made. It’s then often mid-year when you sit back and wonder if you’re sticking true to your resolution or not, and by the end of the year you tend to make a plan for the following year on how you can either start again or move onto something else. See, not ::woo woo:: at all, huh?

The funny thing is, explaining exactly what it is that TSE does is even difficult for those who created it. It’s really just a platform – turned – community for helping one find their own empowerment through true, unconditional support. I have never felt more safe to be myself, raw and vulnerable in such a way without fear of judgment. We all understand one another on some level and the [sisterhood] that is formed is like nothing that could truly be explained without experiencing for yourself. My mother compared it to therapy and in a way, it really is. Now, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t seek licensed help when needed, this is just an added bonus as you work through things! Shadow work can be and -is- incredibly difficult at times, and honestly could benefit from a licensed practitioner depending on how deep or traumatic your shadow is rooted within yourself. I know first hand that if it wasn’t for the work that I put in with my therapist 8 and a half years ago that ‘shadow-work’ wouldn’t have come so easily for me during this time. What I didn’t know at the time is that the work my therapist, Michaelene Ruhl, PsyD had me do, was in fact shadow work! I never understood how years of on again off again therapy with different therapists lead me nowhere, but within weeks of working with Michaelene I had such incredible breakthroughs. Now I do! Michaelene takes a more holistic approach, focusing on the energetic connections through ancestral trauma via what is known as [constellations healing]. I do not understand enough myself to explain what that means exactly, HA, however, she knows her stuff and worked her >magic<. Or rather, lead me to working [my own]!! If you are interested in knowing more about what Michaelene has to offer, here is her website! 🙂

One of the biggest takeaways from working with her and what I have come to realize with TSE, is the use of physical representations. These “tools” that I’ve spoken of. Michaelene used to have these little wooden figures that we’d use to represent people, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, AnYtHtInG – so that I could physically see what it is that I was working with. Taking it out of my mind, off my shoulders and placing it in front of myself to truly {see} it for what it was. That’s all ‘witchcraft’ really is if you really think about it. It’s using objects to represent whatever it is that you need help with, as a physical representation that you can see, feel, smell, hear, taste. A totum to remind yourself what it is you want and a way to allow yourself to believe it, with said reminder. Now, could this be simply a placebo effect? Absolutely! But let me ask you, why would that be a bad thing if so? The psychological phenomenon from the placebo effect is nothing to be ashamed of! If it helps someone to be the better version of themselves, why is that something to be looked down upon? If you are not causing harm to yourself or anyone else, NO ONE can tell you what is or isn’t right for yourself!!

Holistic Witchery has no set time frame in which it needs to be completed. There are live sessions every few months, though the program is constantly evolving as they figure out what is the best way to present the material. It can be very overwhelming as you are given everything at once and left on your own to work through most of it. There are live Zoom sessions in which you go over things and are able to ask questions, and even ask questions in the group chats via their app. But again, there is no set time frame and they make sure to reiterate that often, that just because you may not “graduate” during a certain live round, doesn’t mean you failed. It simply means that you are taking your time to better understand and work on yourself. AND if you DO graduate during a live round time frame, your work is never truly over; you just dig deeper each round – if you want to. Which personally I don’t know why anyone wouldn’t want to as it is literally life changing! Ha ha. Technically right now the program is set up at a self paced 12 month course with about 3 ‘live rounds’ a year at roughly 4 months each. There is also Enchanted Journey, which is their paid membership program that is monthly, in which you learn about a core subject for a year. For example, this year is Rocks, Herbs and Stories. This course has been broken up into 4 sections, the Cosmic witch, Earth witch, Sea witch and Hearth witch. Oobbbbviously being the mermaid that I am, the Sea witch unit has been uh-may-zing!! Being a Pisces born in March, knowing that aquamarine is known as: ‘mermaid’s treasure’, is that much more thrilling for someone such as myself! And again, just like with Holistic Witchery, Enchanted Journey, as well as Expedition Astrology or ANY of their programs for that matter, have NO set time frame in which you are expected to complete. Once you are a member of said program, you are for as long as you desire. Life. Ever. etc. Even upon completion! <- which just adds to the intent of it all. TSE may be a company which does require some investment into yourself, depending on how involved you want to be, but it’s just that – an investment into -YOURSELF- that never goes away! The community, love and support is there forever, and that my friends you cannot put a price tag on!

SO… after much debate due to knowing we were getting a new kitchen and flooring, I decided that joining Holistic Witchery was what I wanted and convinced Igor that it was what I >needed<!! I paid to join while he finally paid to upgrade his bike to an electric one, something that he, too, had been pondering due to cost. It was a win-win for us both, just maybe not our savings account. HA! Going into 2022 I knew this was going to be -MY- year; 22 -is- [my] number after all! I knew that I needed to work on myself and find a way to bring in an income. I may not be able to work a conventional job due to my health but it was time to figure something out! I didn’t know what, but with the boys both in school, I needed purpose.. I joined Holistic Witchery with that sole intention in mind and in doing so, I got one year of free access to the Enchanted Journey membership. I’m telling you, best decision I’ve ever made for myself!

Like I have said too many times now, technically there is no set time frame ::brokenRecordOverhere:: but there is the 4 month live session and the 12 month guide. I didn’t think it was going to happen, but your girl here managed to >GradUate< from the program in just 4 months!!! And yes, I am [damn] proud of myself! So what were my 3 intentions that I wanted to change while I worked the program? You’ll find out in my next post. ::GrinsaDevilishGrin::

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W.I.T.C.H.

“Woman.in.total.control.of.herself” – Devon Cole

Let me ask you something… When you hear the word, [“witch”], what is the very first image to come to mind? Is it something along the lines of the Wicked Witch of the West from the Wizard of Oz; a woman conjuring up evil spells and hexes? Or do you see someone being one with nature, using Earth’s resources and ‘Lunar energy’ for the betterment of themselves and the world around them? What about when you hear the word, [“pagan”]? Do you see a Celtic or Nordic herbalist dancing under the full moon -naked- with a bunch of other women in the woods?

What about: Enchantress? Sorceress? Magician? Occultist? Alchemist? Fortune-teller? Soothsayer? Clairvoyant? Medium? Seer? <- is it a combination of fairy tales, “devil worship”, evil and scam artists?

Below are some definitions according to the Oxford Dictionary.

Witch noun:
a woman thought to have magic powers, especially evil ones, popularly depicted as wearing a black cloak and pointed hat and flying on a broomstick

Pagan noun:
a person holding religious beliefs other than those of the main world religions

^ Are those what you pictured? If the answer is yes, then I ask you, how come? Personally, I -didn’t- know the true definition of ‘paganism’ as I believed it just to be a >practice< of pre-Christian traditions, but nothing resembling a religion. Especially because I knew that [Wicca] is a {religious} version of paganism. However, according to Oxford, religion is: “the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, especially a personal God or gods.” The fact polytheism is a belief among pagans makes sense that it would be considered a religion, I just never thought of it that way. 

When you think of “witchcraft” and “Voodoo” are you plagued with thoughts of evil doings? Do you get the same reaction when you hear the word, “[magic]”, or do you think of make believe, Christmas, Disney, Harry Potter and illusionists such as David Blaine? And if you add a K at the end?

Witchcraft noun:
the malevolent exercise of supposed supernatural powers, especially by women, attributed to a connection with the devil or evil spirits.

Voodoo noun:
a religion practiced in parts of the Caribbean and the southern US, combining elements of Roman Catholic ritual with traditional African magical and religious rites, and characterized by sorcery and spirit possession

Magic noun:
the power of apparently influencing the course of events by using mysterious or supernatural forces

Magick noun:
action or effort undertaken to effect personal transformation or external change

If -Voodoo- brings associations of evil, can you explain how, when it uses Roman Catholic rites? Or do you just look past that part? Or is Catholicism evil? <- I won’t argue that; but isn’t it usually those who are very Christian and/or Catholic the ones who make the association of Voodoo being evil? Adding a K at the end of -magic- often makes one think back to witchcraft, but how is {personal transformation} “malevolent exercise of supposed supernatural powers, attributed to a connection with the devil or evil spirits”?

Although, many remove the K and think of >magic< as drawing on an energy field that is believed to be surrounding all of us. It is used to heal themselves and others, or to find a new home or job, among other things. Magic is used for -changing- the practitioner as much as their circumstances, encouraging adherents to pursue self-growth and self-empowerment, with emphasis that magic must not cause harm. Are those who call on the elements, use herbal ‘concoctions’ and practice meditation and divination as tools to help unlock their subconcious in order to become the best version of themselves, evil? A lot of what is considered magic above is brought to you by ancient Nordic, Celtic and Buddhist cultures.

Do you consider Healers and Shamans practitioners of witchcraft or magic? Are they evil? I don’t know about you but when I think of a Healer I see someone trying to help those around them. And a Shaman by definition is: “a person regarded as having access to, and influence in, the world of good and evil spirits, especially among some peoples of northern Asia and North America. Typically such people enter a trance state during a ritual, and practice divination and healing.” <- in Indigionus cultures, Shamans are their healers, their doctors. That’s evil? Who’s to say one way or another because honestly, who has the authority to determine what “evil” even means outside of purposefully causing harm to others? Again, I don’t know about you, but I don’t know anyone who would consider self-growth to be harmful to others. Is setting boundaries for yourself harmful to others? Some may try to make you feel that way but the truth is, it’s not!!

Now, you are probably wondering, ‘why the heck is this even being discussed?’ And the truth is, I didn’t go into this blog with a purpose of explaining or making you question what “words” mean. And that’s all they are… [words]!

The real question is, why do some of the above bother some but not others?

It wasn’t until Christianity that anyone using holistic witchcraft became known as an -evil being-, because it wasn’t until then that witchcraft even became a thing. Oh no, don’t get me wrong, using crystals, herbs, Lunar phases, divination tools and calling upon the elements existed way before Christianity, it just wasn’t considered >Evil<. It was [a way of life], and still is for many Indigiounse cultures. Christianty is very much a ‘man is in charge’ mindset, whereas prior other cultures considered women as equals, or even better than a man. So when Christiantiy bloomed and took over, women who didn’t conform to the new societal views were considered different. And if history has taught us anything, differen’t = bad, am I right? It’s absolutely ridiculous to think, let alone believe, that if someone is different than you, whether it be gender, sexual orentation, color, religion, nationality – whatever, that they are bad and/or wrong while you are the good guy and one who is right. Who told you what was good and what was bad, wrong or right? Just because someone may have -told- you something while being indoctrinated, doesn’t mean that person is correct!!

Personally, as I’ve mentioned before in [10. Twin Flame] I believe everything is energetically connected. I don’t believe in one ‘almighty’ – does that make me wrong or ‘bad’ just because I have differing views? If your religion says so, then you see my issue with organized religion. Humans are humans; just because one believes something over another doesn’t make them a superior being. Just because one is born in poverty doesn’t make them any less of a human than one born into wealth. Money is money, a material object, not a life. If one’s actions or beliefs have [nothing] to do with negatively impacting another, who has the authority to call them wrong and/or bad, or even ‘evil’?

Easy. NO ONE!!! Absolutely no one.

With the way things are going in the U.S. with the Supreme Court taking human rights away from women, all I can think about is how women of the past were ridiculed and legitimately killed just for being a woman. Hell, they still are in some countries today! Women are freaking :magical:! What our bodies do to grow and nurture another is more than a man ever could, physiologically or mentally. So why is it we’re considered less than? Why is it we’re considered the inferior gender and/or sex? If it wasn’t for current religions we wouldn’t be; and it infuriates me that just because I was born with a double X chromosome, I am somehow less than? F that! The human race literally wouldn’t exist without women!! It’s as simple as that. Period. I may not go around with a pink hat with cat ears, but I without question support equality among >all< humans, not just dependent on their gender, biological sex, color, sexual orientation, etc.

This post isn’t about the Supreme Court’s decision, this post is about how women are powerful beings in and of themselves! How a way of life became something “evil” when in reality no harm was done; therefore, making the “evil” argument [moot]. How a woman standing strong in her convictions, beliefs and rituals lead to her being a “witch” practicing -witchcraft-, all because she didn’t bow down to the new ‘man-in-charge’ mindset. How she was doing the “Devil’s” work because she was using herbal connections to treat ailments and reciting a different version of a [prayer] in the terms of a [spell]. Again, just words. Just words being put out into the universe with hopes of a positive change in some way. Just like a prayer…

My entire life I have been in love with and obsessed with the Salem Witch trials. The only time I ever got anything other than a C in 7th grade English, was when I got an A+ for my speech and deliverance about the trials. My passion and heart has always been there. In doing genealogy and other research, taking classes and whatnot; I have come to learn so much about myself, my Celtic heritage and why I feel so connected to the trials. Why I have been obsessed with all things “witchy” my entire life and wish Halloween was all day, every day. My soul is connected to the universe, it’s energy and everything from here to there.

If my calling upon the elements, my own higher power/spirit or the universe, my use of divination tools such as tarot cards or pendulums to help me unlock parts of my subconscious that may be hidden otherwise, my yearning to live an intentional life trusting in signs and following my intuition, my belief in the energetic vibrations that have been scientifically proven to manipulate other energetic vibrational waves of things around them (such as crystals), my belief and understanding behind the psychology, math and science that goes into not only tarot but also astrology, and how everyone is individually affected by the universe, our planets and the lunar phases… if all of that makes me a “>witch<” – then I bow down as the Enchantress that I am because the {only} thing that I am doing, is trying to be the BEST version of myself that I can be!!! You know that Disney or Christmas ‘magical’ feeling? That’s the feeling I want for myself everyday, so I only put positivity out there and look for the light within my shadows, so that I can live a life full of my own magick!!

Devon Cole sang it best when she said that a witch is a [Woman In Total Control of Herself!] <- uh, yeah! I’ll accept that title! ::check::

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9oazB7lWRw

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How it’ll be?

When reality hits, you’re knocked down and defeated
Caught up in a tidal wave of emotion
Slammed against a wall the wind knocked from your lungs
And you wonder… is this how it’ll be?

There is no turning back, no slowing down
You have to accept what is
While slamming hard on broken breaks
With hopes that maybe, just maybe
This is not how it’ll be…

Weakened and betrayed by what has always been strong
Just moving through the motions while being dragged along
Is it better to know the inevitable fate
You wonder… is this how it’ll be?

As a bystander you’re helpless unsure what to say or do
While the subject is even more helpless unsure of what to say or do
They’re both on their spectrums of what ifs and uncertainties
The battle between guilt and heartbreak is not a linear race
No one’s the winner, everyone loses
This can not be how it’ll be!

No, choose to stay positive, have hope and believe
It may be a difficult road to travel
But keep your head above the sea
Fighting back against every shed tear
You’ll find a new found strength that lights the way
That’s how it’ll be!

Stand strong in your light shining bright
Nothing can dim what can’t be unseen
Know that you’ve got this with love all around
Because no, that is not how it’ll be!

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Guilt, that nasty B.

“The measure of who we are is what we do with what we have.”
-Vince Lombardi

Anyone with chronic health conditions knows how much it sucks. It sucks for the patient both physically and mentally; yeah, that mental mind fuck of a rollercoaster is a bitch! No matter how many times you beg to get off, Joker is in the background with that horrid mischievous grin and his hands on the controls. But let’s be honest, it’s no walk in the park for those who love and support the individual suffering, either. And I say suffering because that’s exactly what it is. There may be good days but [life] is about -survival-. Hell, it is for everyone, not just those who are ill! Maybe Buddhists have it right by believing human life is about suffering! ::NodsHeadThinkinginAgreement:: As one who is chronically ill, I can assure you that the guilt you feel knowing that at any moment you could let someone down, is enough to not allow yourself the opportunity to do so. It’s easier to fold inwards and isolate. And yes, I do speak from experience. I also speak from experience from the other side as well, being a child with an ill mother.

Back in my initial blog about my mother [03.Mom] I made the comment that as a kid, I saw her either sick on the couch while at home with my brother and I, or out every weekend having fun with her best friend at the time. Obviously as I got older I understood and saw things drastically different, especially after becoming a mother to my own neurodivergent children [Twice Exceptional]. Girl needed a break!!! However, I never wanted this for my children! I never wanted to be the [“sick” mom on the couch] where my 6 year old has to ask every day at pick-up if Mom is sleeping or not. I never wanted for them to attend school events with mostly only their father because I wasn’t up for it. I never wanted to have to let my children down because of my health. But guess what? Chronic illness, being the bitch that she is, doesn’t give me a choice… ::blowssteam::

Yesterday I was reminded with a smack in the face about how unstable my life can be when it comes to my health. I had put my name in the hat and won the draw for being able to help out at the elementary school, helping the kinders tie dye shirts. I was SO excited when I saw the initial inquiry and almost cried when notified that I had been selected! Igor had also put his name in for chaperoning their one and only field trip taking place just two days before the last day of school. He, too, won! To say that Kb was beyond excited is an understatement! Seeing him happy knowing that we both wanted to be there and were both selected, was everything. <3

And then came the innocent question the night before… “But, what if you pass out before or aren’t feeling well?” with a quivering pouty lip. The heartache I saw behind his eyes shattered me at the thought of it! It took everything in me to smile and reassure him that I -would- be there!! He was nothing but smiles afterwards. The next morning I got up extra early so that I could shower and rest beforehand so that I wasn’t rushing and could conserve my energy. It was a damn good thing I did or else I don’t know if I could have pushed though; it was a rough morning. I had to have been flying high with adrenaline, it’s the only explanation. Kind of like when you have a big event or vacation – your body doesn’t [always] let you down until the hard crash at the end or upon return.

After getting ready I crawled into bed with my not-so-little baby boy and just snuggled him until he woke up. The first words out of his mouth, barely a whisper? “Are you ok today? Are you going?” ::breathes:: “Yes, baby boy, Mommy will be there! I promised you, you know I don’t make a promise I can’t keep!” <- Even if I had to be wheeled up there in a wheelchair, disheveled and grotesk, it didn’t matter what other parent volunteers may have thought of me, I was only there for my son. He would know that I [showed] up and >kept my promise< and that is more {important} than any opinion that isn’t even my business!! Fortunately for me, I was able to get ready, I was able to show up and even drive myself home in the rain after. (Igor had driven me up there and walked home so I could have the car, not knowing when I’d be done.) It was chaotic, very energetically draining but also incredibly rewarding. Not only was he happy, but he was -so- proud that I was there! When he got home from school he yelled that, “today was the BEST day everrrrr, because I got to see you!!!” ::fightsbacktears::

Yeah, having chronic health issues sucks. Letting anyone down sucks. Letting your children down? Probably the worst guilt ever! However, sometimes, having chronic health issues doesn’t show you the ugly truth that you believe it to be. No, sometimes it allows you to see and -feel- the gratitude for being able to follow through. Sometimes it reminds you how brittle time is and that embracing the good in the moment is truly the gift of life. So (at least for) today, I see it for what it really is; everything. <3

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20. Soul Recognition

“‘Soulmate’ is an overused term, but a true soul connection is very rare and very real.” – Hilary Duff

Back when I first contemplated publishing this blog, I was sitting there one day and was instantly flooded with all these memories from the past. Which makes sense, given that I am sharing my past. But one particular person stood out. The crazy thing is, I hadn’t spoken to this individual in quite some time, which is ironic given we used to talk every single day for years!  For some reason that day I had an overwhelming sense of needing to reach out, say hello and wish them well. I have no idea what was going on in their life at that time but intuition led me there and I listened. 

It’s easily been 5 months since I said something on Facebook, and after doing so the thoughts and memories faded as I dug in full force; pumping out post after post. There was no follow up and as strange as it sounds- it’s almost as if saying something to them released their part of my story, as I haven’t included them yet in my writing. Which again, is incredibly weird as they were such an important person in my life for so, so long! Out of sight, out of mind? No, that can’t be right because they do cross my mind, we have years of memories! 

They fall under the [11. Childhood Friendships+] category, but for some reason I only included Lauren, Jessie and then HS friends, since Marion had her own post with [10. Twin Flame]. The first time I really spoke of any guys in my life was when I talked about Kevin being my best friend in [09. First Love]; but there is {absolutely} someone else who held that title first! Someone who was there for me through all the ups and downs, the heartbreaks of both relationships and friendships. Someone I loved and cared for so deeply that I refused to let >feelings< get in the way and -ruin- everything. I mean, they were practically family! Hell, he even went to my dance recital in 7th grade!

While Kevin may have [physically] been the “boy next door”, Will(y) was the true definition in terms of one repressing their own feelings, while also knowing how the other truly felt about them, until it was too late. 

I have to admit that it is strange to call Will, “Will” and not Willy. When I think back to the little boy that I went to daycare -and- preschool with, it’s Willy! We had that young childhood friendship where the adults always joked about us getting married one day, even though it was his cousin who I remember kissing in preschool, haha! <- seriously, I was terrible! ::hidesInshame:: I cannot believe how freely I kissed people growing up; especially when feelings weren’t involved!! ::ShakesHeadAfterFaceMeetsPalm::again:: Once we were off to elementary school our friendship kind of just ended, which… is really sad if you think about it! 

Every relationship we get into is some kind of soul connection. People have this notion that a [soulmate] is your “one and only” but in actuality, a soulmate is anyone you feel a deep, safe connection with!! It can be a family member, a best friend, a stranger off the street. For those who believe in past lives or even just that our souls are more than what’s in our physical beings; it could be that when you feel that intense connection, you recognize them from >another time<. Kind of like how I explained Kelly, [Friendships Pt. 2] she’s an extension of myself; a soulmate on a whole different plane of friendship. 

This past week I have come to realize that I hadn’t discussed Will yet, because the timing wasn’t right! I left that comment for him months ago, but it wasn’t until this past week that he actually saw it and reached out. When he did, that instant feeling of comfort washed over me. A giddiness of feelings of joy; like when you find something you thought was lost forever because you’ve searched high and low for it, only to discover it months later somewhere you’d never expect!  This past week I have felt this deep rooted {wholeness}, and recognize Will(y) as part of my soul’s circle, if you will. He was always meant to be in my life and it’s even more evident now, looking back at all of the times we’ve reconnected. 

We lost touch when we were 5, so how did he come back into my life? Well, it involves more synchronicity, of course. In ‘99, a 2.5 million dollar anonymous donation was made for 5th graders across the [entire] Plymouth-Canton, Van Buren and Taylor school districts, to attend Space Camp for a week!!  Some schools went to Florida, others Alabama or California, like myself and Will. One of the first days there, in a little off-white hallway, standing across from one another, we each had a sense of familiarity anytime we looked at one another. It was Will who spoke up first and figured out that we actually did know one another. <- I’m not the only one with a crazy ability to remember… (al)most everything. I could be mistaken but I believe we were both waiting for medication, ooooor maybe it was to make a phone call? My mom was -extremely- ill at the time, like – almost died, so I spent a lot of time with the counselors as I spoke with family during the down times. Being from different schools we had different groups, but we did see each other often and spoke whenever we could. Just before leaving he had a friend deliver me a note, expressing his feelings and disdain for my “boyfriend” at the time, along with his number to stay in touch. Ha. Boyfriend. In 5th grade, for 6 months. My kid is going into 5th grade next year and either times have changed or he’s just so 2E [Twice Exceptional] that anything like that goes way above his head. I actually could see both being true considering the cards/notes my kindergartener brings home… ::shiftyeyes::

Annnyway. We stayed in touch and talked literally every day. I don’t know how much we saw each other that first summer but as luck would have it, we ended up at the same middle school together. We didn’t have many classes together but we passed notes often. We actually even had a notebook at one point that we’d pass back and forth. And knowing me, I likely still have it packed away in the plethora of “remember” boxes that I took from my Mom’s house before she moved. I know that he wanted more out of our friendship, but he also understood and respected the boundaries. We tried once for a very short time, but I suck and became a <heart/breaker3. Oh man did his sister hate me after that one. She didn’t like me much to begin with and I don’t think we saw common ground until we were older and hung out via Kelly. I just didn’t want to lose him and the connection we had. There was always just a deeper understanding of one another. Which >all< makes sense now that I believe our souls were connected before this lifetime. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can call me crazy or whatever but it’s what feels true within me. It’s just an unexplainable feeling of comfort, wholeness, an extension of oneself. I have no idea if he feels the same, but I’d like to think so.

The problem is, I felt like I had this… I don’t want to say “ownership” but maybe claim? over him. Him and Marion also dated briefly and it sort of gutted me. It wasn’t a feeling of jealousy in the sense that I wanted him for myself, but almost like my “evil twin” was out to get me. Which again, looking back at the concept of [10. Twin Flames] it would make total sense that he’d see things in her, that he did with me. And by NO means am I calling her my evil twin, nor do I believe she did anything out of spite or sinister, it just adds to the yin and yang of it all. I hated it and it was definitely a time that rocked the boat between her and I. In high school when Kev and I got back together on a more serious level, my friendship with Will became almost nonexistent, especially after he started dating this girl whom I really, really didn’t like! Rightfully so, however, she not only broke his heart, she stabbed him in the back with the same knife she used to break it. I don’t wanna be one to hold a grudge but I still get steam coming out of my ears when I think about her. {Ha, so a real quick -six degrees of Kevin Bacon- moment, she ended up dating that guy my mom tried to hook me up with before I met Igor [14. Forever & Always] and it didn’t end well for her. Karma?}

I honestly don’t know how it happened or why it stopped just as quickly as it started – but we reconnected shortly after high school and hung out a few times. I’ll have to see if he remembers more about that time. Anyway,  I remember I went bowling with him and his friends (most of whom I hadn’t seen since middle school) and he went to dinner with Mom, [08.Auntie] and I. Auntie always loved him but she had a hard time accepting the new “grown up” -metal-head- version of him. I can’t help but look back and smile thinking about when she asked him, “why?” when she saw his appearance and went on about how he “used to be so cute, why’d he do that to himself?” Ha. They say [out of the mouths of babes (young kids)] but sometimes it’s also [out of the mouths of seniors] – older generations have zero filter with zero fks given!

Outside of the random text/update within either the group chat with my parents, or another group text with my cousin Sara and Jenna [Friendships pt. 2], I -don’t- talk to anyone outside of my household on a daily basis! I used to be much more social but as I’ve gotten older, between motherhood and the pandemic, I have become more of an [absent] friend than ever… I know that my true friends/family understand and I love them more than I could ever possibly express, but I do still feel bad. Friendship is a two-way street, so I am forever grateful for those who accept my absence because they >know< that nothing is wrong, “life happens” and that I am just a phone call or text away, shall they need to talk! That said, we have been texting a little each day and it’s been a great reminder of the friendship we once had! Obviously I don’t expect it to stay an ‘everyday’ thing but it’s fun catching up after 15-16 years!

He doesn’t live in Michigan anymore but is looking to visit this summer. He said I should hold him accountable to make sure we meet up, he’d be sad if we didn’t. Of course, that was {after} I said, “I’d be disappointed, sad and down right pissed if he came to town and we didn’t see each other!” Haha. I know my mom would love to see him; with her infamous need to give everyone a nickname, she picked, “Wanka” for him, naturally. ::shakeshead:: However, I’m actually -really- excited to introduce him to Igor and the boys!! Will and Igor both like to discuss deeper meaning, understanding and theories of things, yet rarely get the chance to with anyone else who’s open minded/can see things from different points of views, without getting offended. They’re both quiet and shy yet I have a feeling this discussion will have them both talking freely and it’ll be great for the both of them!! It’s been over 30 years since we first became friends and I really am grateful for whatever sent me to reach out to him! Thank you Willy for still being you! ::hugs::

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Rapid 100

Today I thought I’d do something different. I really enjoy answering questions / doing surveys, so I thought I’d find a fun questionnaire to answer. Here’s a rapid 100 facts:

1. What are your hobbies? Reading, writing, painting, tarot, tv/movies, and puzzles. 📖📝🎨🃏🎥🧩 

2. Do you collect anything? I used to collect fairies, but now I focus more on pigs, crystals and mermaid stuff. 🧚🏻‍♀️🐷💎🧜🏼‍♀️ 

3. What are you passionate about? Genealogy, writing and self betterment. 🧬📝✨

4. What is your most prized possession? My teddy bear. 🧸

5. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life? Completing my first book challenge and crushing it by 220%! 📚💪🏼

6. What is on your bucket list? A lot but number one is meeting a distant relative in Ireland. 🇮🇪

7. What is your favorite recent memory? Igor baking me my anniversary cake. 👨🏻‍🍳🎂

8. What is your favorite holiday? Halloween! 💀👻

9. Who knows you best? My mother or husband.

10. What skill would you most like to learn? I’d like to become a better painter. 👩🏼‍🎨 

11. Where is the coolest place you traveled? Salem, MA!! 🧙🏻‍♀️

12. Who is your hero? RBG.👩🏻‍⚖️

13. Who is the smartest person you ever met? This is tough, I honestly think my 9yo will grow up to be. 🤓

14. What is one thing that instantly makes your day better? Snuggling Igor or Kellan. (L isn’t a cuddler) 🤗

15. When did you first feel like an adult? I still don’t… 🤷🏼‍♀️🤨

16. Whose opinion do you care most about? I’m learning to make it my own, but Igor’s, too. 💁🏼‍♀️

17. What is the most important decision you have ever made so far? Becoming a mother and choosing between my medication vs. brestfeeding. 🤰🏼🤱🏼

18. Aside from necessities, what one thing could you not go a day without? Something to read! 📖

19. What do you enjoy spending money on? I don’t like spending money, but I enjoy getting things that help me become the best version of myself. ✨

20. What is something that always makes you smile? Puppies.🐶 

21. What are you most thankful for? My miracle baby. 👶🏼

22. What is the greatest challenge or struggle you have ever faced? Being a chronically ill mother to 2 children with their own challenges. ♿️👩‍👦‍👦

23. What is the biggest risk you ever took? Probably publishing my blog. 

24. Tell me your life story in exactly one sentence. I have been {through it all}. 

25. What is the strangest coincidence that ever happened to you? I don’t believe in coincidence. But let’s go with the number 22. [read blog #15.]

26. What is your favorite random fact? In Alabama it’s illegal to tie an alligator to a fire hydrant. 🚫🐊

27. What is your useless talent? Curling my tongue into a w/clover. 

28. What is the strangest food combination you enjoy? Uh.. potato chips on pbj?

29. If you could choose one superpower, what would it be? Telekinesis 🫥

30. What is your strangest irrational fear? Holes. 🕳 Trypophobia is legit, guys! 😫

31. Describe your most eccentric family member. Myself.. and my dad’s cousin Linda. 

32. Have you ever met a celebrity? Yes, Taylor Swift! 😍 

33. What is the craziest thing you ever did on a dare? I honestly have no idea. I did a lot of crazy stuff when I was younger. 🥴

34. What songs are on the soundtrack to your life? This is a really good question that’ll take a lot of reflecting. Maybe I’ll make a whole post about it, I love the idea of it! 🎶 

35. What actor would you choose to play you in your biopic? Joey King or Elizabeth Olsen. 

36. What is your go-to karaoke song? Something by TS I’m sure. Or Spice girls or even Katy Perry. Or Pink. Haha 

37. Create and describe an undercover alias. I’ve been living as someone else for too long. I’m here to be [me]!

38. What is your most random impulse buy? Probably my floral planchette. 

39. What did you do as a teenager that makes you cringe now? Mm.. probably my skatin’ days when I’d leave with friends. 🫣

40. What would your warning label say? Caution, easily broken. ⚠️ 

41. What is your guilty pleasure? Watching Siesta Key. 🌊👙

42. What emoji do you use most often? 🤣👀🤦🏼‍♀️🤯🥰✨

43. A genie grants you the ability to have infinite amounts of one item. What is it? Crystals/gems/rocks 💎🪨 

44. What is your favorite joke? The U.S. healthcare system. 😏

45. What is the best Halloween costume you ever wore? Hands down, my mermaid costume 2020 🧜🏼‍♀️ 

46. What is the most awkward situation you ever found yourself in? This one is hard, I’m not sure. Maybe the time I nearly bumped into my former friend/“sister” as she acted like she didn’t know me, or spending time at my in-laws while Igor drove his grandma home, before we were married. 

47. What is the most ridiculous thing you believed as a child? I saw the tooth fairy in a pink and purple leotard with hairy legs. 🤣🦷🧚🏻‍♀️

48. What is the most outrageous lie you told a child? I was a good kid… 🤷🏼‍♀️

49. What is the dumbest way you injured yourself? Ha. All I have to do is move and I get injured. Probably breaking my foot stepping ON to the couch. ♿️🩼

50. How do you waste time most often? Facebook and SHEIN ; though now that I’m back in “school” I don’t really use Facebook as much. 

51. What do you think would most impress your five year old self? Your 15 year old self? 5 year old self: that my parents are best friends. 15 year old self: I’m fortunate enough to be living the life that I do, with my health.

52. What kind of elderly person do you hope to be? One who looks back at my life without regrets. 

53. What is your favorite website? Canva. 

54. What is your favorite season? Autumn 🍂🍁

55. What book changed your life? Star Girl ⭐️👧🏼 

56. How do you prefer to exercise? Standing up. 😅 No, yoga, cycling, swimming or weighted hula hoop. 🤸🏼‍♀️🚴🏼‍♀️🏊🏻‍♀️

57. What movie do you wish you could watch again for the first time? The SAW series. 🪚🤡

58. What is one story you love to tell, but rarely get the chance? I mean, the chaos that took place on my Wedding day is always fun. 

59. What is one question you wish people would ask you more? I don’t know…🤔Maybe, if I’d give them a reading?🃏

60. What is one question you wish people would ask you less? “How are you feeling?”

61. What was the first concert you attended? The best concert? 1st. Martina McBride and Best, Taylor’s Fearless when I got to meet her. 😍

62. What is your favourite quote?  I love too many but maybe: Luctor et emergo (I struggle but I survive) 

63. What is the last book you read? Haven’t finished yet but F*ckboy Psychos, Scarlett Force #1. 

64. What is the last TV show you binged watched? The Flight attendant. ✈️ 

65. What movie could you quote by heart? Practical Magic, Drop Dead Fred, Sweet Home Alabama, RENT and the Wizard of Oz. 

66. What do you dislike that everyone else seems to like? Cilantro 🌿🤢

67. What do you like that everyone else seems to dislike? Edible lavender. Teas, baked goods, etc.🤤

68. What makes you happiest? The peace of being on/near the water, just listening to nature. 

69. Describe yourself in three words. Empathetic, passionate, fighter.  

70. If given the opportunity, what book would you write? Well I was writing a book but turned it into this blog. 👩🏼‍💻

71. What is your favorite kind of cuisine? Food. Haha, I can’t decide between Italian, Chinese and Mexican. 🍝🥠🌮

72. What is the best meal you have ever eaten? The meal at the French restaurant at the resort on our Honeymoon. 

73. If you won the lottery, what would you do first? Either invest it or get a small lake house. 

74. What is your favorite cocktail? Uh.. I don’t know just give me something fruity.🍹

75. Do you have any tattoos? If not, are there any tattoos you want? I do, I have 5 and am in the process of designing the side piece I’ve wanted for almost 20 years!

76. What are you allergic to? All the usual environmental things, animals, shell fish. But nothing serious or life threatening. 

77. What is your favorite color? Pink and purple. 💕💜

78. What is your favorite animal? Piggies 🐷 

79. Do you have any pets? Currently a cat named Precious. 🐈‍⬛ 

80. Do you have brothers or sisters? I have 1 living brother and 1 👼🏼 

81. When is your birthday? March 10th. 

82. What is the farthest you have traveled from home? Either California or Washington.

83. What is your favorite summer activity? Swimming/being out on the water. 🏊🏻‍♀️ 🛶 

84. What is your favorite winter activity? Ice skating. ⛸ 

85. What is your favorite food? Pizza 🍕, peanut-butter, chocolate 🍫 and ice cream 🍦 

86. If you could choose a new name, which one would it be? When I was younger I loved Harmony but honestly, Jena is really pretty and the spelling is unique. 

87. Who is your favorite superhero? Wolverine, though I loved RDJ’s Ironman 

88. Who is your favorite Disney character? Pua 🐷 (how stinking adorable?!) But really Genie 🧞‍♂️ and Mal! 🔮👩🏻‍🎤

89. What is the best vacation you have ever taken? Our road trip to Salem, MA!! 🧙🏻‍♀️ 

90. What are you afraid of? Igor or I getting really sick and are unable to do the things we’ve always talked about. 💔 My children’s safety. Life without my parents. Annnd Spiders 🕷, ticks and other insects that fly and inflict pain/damage. 🦟🐝 

91. What is your favorite snack? Anything salty 🧂 and crunchy.  Right now I’m on a major Funions kick. 

92. What is your favorite story? Old school story? Cinderella. 👸🏼

93. What is the bravest thing you ever did? Start this blog. 👩🏼‍💻 Annnd submitting a pitch to the Huffington Post. 👀

94. Who is the best cartoon character? Leah from Shimmer & Shine. She’s basically me in cartoon form. 🧞‍♀️✨

95. If you could make one rule for everyone in the world to follow, what would it be? No discrimination or hate. ☮️🚫

96. If you could own any animal as a pet, what would you choose? Uh, a brown and tan cavalier king Charles, duh! 😍

97. What is the coolest thing you ever made? A seashell 🐚 decoration for my mermaid🧜🏼‍♀️ bathroom. 

98. What is your favorite way to spend an afternoon? Taking time to meditate/yoga 🧘🏼‍♀️ , do some tarot 🃏 and be present with nature🌳. 

99. What is your favorite sport? Playing I enjoy ⚾️ ; watching probably 🏈 – except I love watching KB play baseball. Oh, and cheer. 📣

100. What is your favorite song? The Climb 🧗‍♀️