“I wouldn’t change a thing about what I’ve done in the past because what may have been bad choices have all led me to this moment.” – Minnie Driver.
Uhh… Sooo, since I realized that I missed talking about some friendships and mentioned previous >poor choices< in [22. Jobs of The Past], I figure why not rip the bandaid off now… My parents and I are -very- close. Like, I’m pretty sure they haven’t read anything in my blog thus far, that they didn’t already know – to an extent. I think? There may or may not be some things in the post that they are hearing for the first time. Maybe. And I don’t know why it makes me anxious, I’m a grown woman; not to mention who doesn’t make poor choices when they’re younger? Hell, I just learned a few months ago that my mom has used harder drugs in the past – which I had NO clue! It actually kind of blew my mind. Just like it kind of blew her’s, that neither Igor or I have ever had anything marajuana related. I’m not opposed, I just haven’t felt the desire to do so. However, I may look into it at some point for health reasons, but until then – alcohol has only ever been the bad influence, at times.
Here we go… I was 12 the first time I ever tasted alcohol. I was at a birthday party and there was a giant thing of Jack Daniels, just out like it was no big deal. And by giant, I mean half a keg size, specialty bottle, with a spout. Oh peer pressure. I know my kids are going to mess up and we talk to them regularly about peer pressure. It’s inevitable, everyone gives into something, at least once. I’m not naive. I just hope they’re able to retain the knowledge that when they do mess up, to [call us]! I don’t care what time it is, I don’t care what they’ve done, I just want them safe, and that calling us is -always- the right thing to do!! Everything else can be addressed later, my priority is their safety. I may be disappointed in their actions but their strength to admit it and ask for help, will overshadow any anger in the moment!! As of right now, I really don’t think I’ll have anything to worry about with L, it’s K I’m more concerned about. But, only time will tell – I will just continue to hope that lines of communication stay open.
That night my dad was picking me up from the party and I was >Terrrrrrifed< that he’d smell it; especially being in recovery – but nothing was said if he did! SORRY DADDY!! ::hidesinshame:: After that, I had a few sips or a drink here and there once I was in High School, but never really got “drunk” until I was 17. I have to admit that 17 was my [party] year, though I’d never really call myself a ‘partier’. However, it was definitely the age that I drank the most irresponsibly, putting myself in situations that thankfully didn’t turn out worse! It was the first (of 3.5) time/s that I drank so much I blacked out. <- the other 2.5 times were my 18th birthday, the last night of my honeymoon, and the .5 would have to be 2 summers ago when my cousin mixed me a drink while camping; and I busted/broke the tip of my finger. I consider that a .5 because I do remember most of the evening, before/after busting my finger – but from the first sip to that is a little hazy, and it was only maybe a half hour. That drink was -dangerous-! For such a tiny woman, she can make a mighty drink! ::NoteToSelf::MakeSureToEatWhenSaraIsBartending::
Not that it’s an >excuse<, because there aren’t any – but I need to note that 17 was the year that things were the most on/off/rocky/back&forth between Kevin and I [09.First Love], things were confusing as hell with Jami [11.Childhood Friendships+], it was the same year Asshole was in my life [13.Survivor], the event between Jack and I that caused me to move in with my dad and Brian [03.Mom], annnnd it was the year I became homebound because I wasn’t healthy enough to attend school regularly[06.HS/Diagnosis]. Soo, I can’t really blame 17 year old Jena for trying to numb all the bullshit going on in her life, attempting to hold onto the scraps of teenage-angst, ‘normalcy’ they speak of. ::shrugsshoulders::
NYE when I was 17 was full of poor choices, but I justify that I made the right choice in the end, even if it wasn’t the smartest choice, it was definitely the safest! So there’s that. I was attending a house party with Jennifer [11.Childhood Friendships+] and drank an entire bottle of Hypnotic by myself. ::barf!:: I didn’t actually get sick but just the thought of it makes me sick, now! I remember going into a room with a guy I had only just met, and exited with the [worst] hickey I’ve ever had. I am >realllllly< fortunate that Kevin called to wish me a Happy New Year, as it was his call that stopped me from making what would have likely been a very regrettable decision!! ::shifyeyes&blushing:: He was on his way back to MI from a basketball tournament in TN, and was bored on the bus. He was going to be in town that next day and wanted to get together. Oh flutter, it’s a blessing and a curse how memories can cause physical reactions, almost 2 decades later!! It was also talking to Kevin that allowed me to sober up enough to make another questionable choice, but I firmly believe it was the safest!
Remember Beau? [09.First love&22.Jobs of the past] Yeah, I called him to come pick me up. I’m not quite sure why he wasn’t doing anything, but he was sober (since he never really drank) and didn’t think twice about getting me out of the situation I was in. I was supposed to be spending the night at Jennifer’s, so imagine my mother’s surprise the next morning when I came home early, as Beau had to get to work. Ohhh, maybe that’s why he was home?! Annnnyway, I knew that I could trust him. I knew that I had made a mistake and I knew that Beau wouldn’t be happy about it, but he jumped to my rescue. <- See, not only did he not really drink, he also didn’t entertain the idea of hanging around people who did. Which is ironic in the depths of foreshadowing… I know that our relationship was innocently-inappropriate at best, but he really did have my best interest at heart. There is definitely a lot of gray area around the line of [right & wrong], when it came to our relationship. However, as scary as it was, I was honest and upfront with my mother about what had happened the night before, and in that moment, she was grateful for Beau and his “older brother-type” role, that she was beginning to believe that we had. As deceitful as that may have been, I think his caring for me that NYE is what allowed her to drop her guard a little and allow me to see him more regularly, without having to hide it.
That brings us to my 18th birthday, just a few short months later… Oy. So I flew down to Tampa to spend spring break with Sheri. [11.Childhood Friendships+] I was met at baggage claim with her and her best friend Alex. They had a birthday gift for me and said that I had to stop in the bathroom and change before we went out. Little did I know, they had bought me the most revealing dress I think that I have ever worn- let alone owned! I mean, to be fair, with my chest, it wasn’t too hard to keep anything from being revealing.. But still! I was so uncomfortable but looked at it a few different ways. 1) It was my 18th birthday. On spring break. In Florida. Everyone was going to be dressed the same way at the clubs. 2) No one besides Sheri knew me, I was able to be someone, anyone, other than the bedridden teen that I had been, not much long prior. 3) It wouldn’t matter by the end of the night because I’d likely be too drunk to remember. <- which is correct, I was. I blame Alex! Haha. Alex had decided that because I was now an “adult”, and it was my actual birthday, I was to be treated ‘like the [queen] that I was’ and have Godiva Chocolate martinis!
From what I do remember, we had a great evening! From what I don’t remember, resulted in Beau giving me the silent treatment for the next 4 months! I know that an email was written about said silent treatment so I just went back and read it. Holy shit – that was heavy! And I have to say, I’m genuinely surprised and SHOCKED at some of the things I read, ha ha. Like, a major topic in it, I have completely erased from my memory. Even reading it, I don’t remember it… ::mindblown:: In the email it says that I explained everything to my mother about what had been going on and that it was her who suggested I write him the letter. Again, -no- clue. Apparently Beau and I hadn’t been in the greatest of places for a few months. I was deliberately acting out and doing things that I knew he wouldn’t approve of. I felt that if he hated me, it would be easier than him hurting me. And by hurting me, I mean breaking my heart. Sounds like a typical teenage reaction, no?
__ Dang, I think I just realized some shadow work that I need to work on__
Why is it that as a grown adult, with children of my own, that I feel uncomfortable sharing these things? I know that it’s my truth. I know that it’s my past. I know that those who are in my life now don’t care about who I was or what I’ve done. They love and support all parts of me. Yet, I feel like I’m a little girl, afraid of getting in trouble; or having someone think bad about my choices from the past. What? This isn’t me…
::Breathe:: Okay, so, according to my letter to him, we had recently faced a pregnancy scare. ::turnsred&hides:: During that time, he had recently started seeing someone more regularly. Oh, and here’s the irony that was foreshadowed – she was slightly older than him… and an alcoholic. She was not in recovery and it had ruined her marriage. <- Uhm? How? WHy? She is not someone he would have everrr entertained the idea of hanging out with, let alone dating!?! I was beside myself for obvious reasons, but maybe it was his way of backing away and not intentionally but intentionally hurting me? I honestly have NO idea what his motives were at that point in time. Though, I now see and understand why I felt it was better for him to hate me than hurt me. Oh foolish child, you deserved so much better! So, what led to the silent treatment you ask? A drunk dial. I supposedly, drunkenly called Beau and apparently had quite a few things to say in regards to who he was dating and what had been going on; I honestly to this day have [NO] idea what exactly was said – all I know is that I really, really, reeeeally hurt him. And it wasn’t just the phone call. I may or may not have made my profile picture on Myspace, a photo of me kissing “some random guy” – when he made me promise him I wouldn’t hook up with anyone. <- Which, to be fair, I didn’t! It was an innocent kiss, all in good fun, especially because the guy wasn’t really random at all. Turned out the guy was Kevin’s oldest brother’s childhood best friend, whom I had met a time or two over the years. Ope.
To discuss a poor choice I made in Canada when I was 19, I need to discuss the past. I had a friend whose mother is… let’s call it ‘a little rough’. I do not like to judge others but her children definitely had a rocky upbringing. Her name was Pagie and we were friends in and out of each other’s lives, a few different times. Her mother being in a lower income situation, she moved around a lot. We were really good friends in preschool/early elementary school, but she left for a few years, before returning for the last trimester of 5th grade. Just in time for her 11th birthday. Which is -very- ironic because it was her 19th birthday that we spent in Canada together.
I remember when her sister and my brother were in 5th grade together, and hearing that her sister was spending the night at a friend’s house on a school night. I couldn’t believe it! Fast forward, Paige was the first person I had a sleepover with on a school night, in 5th grade. Haha. Synchronicity my friends, back in action. It was at Paige’s birthday party that I had my first ‘french kiss’, during a game of spin the bottle… with Paige’s older brother. Rocky was 2 years older than us and suuuper good looking. Like, [ALL] the girls fawned over him. There was another friend at the party who was head over heels for him; oh the attitude I received from her, lasted months! He was also a ‘bad boy’ so of course that didn’t make things easier. Girls always fall for the bad boy, right? So besides playing spin the bottle at 11, having my first “real” kiss <- though was it technically a first kiss when I had already had my first kiss? No, calling it the first real kiss just doesn’t sit right. Anyway, you get the point. Why was this such a >poor choice<? I… had a boyfriend. And yes, a boyfriend in 5th grade sounds beyond ridiculous right now, but at the time, it was a big deal. Especially because we “dated” for 6 months. The thought is even more ridiculous as my oldest is in 5th grade, and a relationship is SO FAR off his radar!! We recently told him that we suspected a girl had a crush on him and he was not happy, haha. I didn’t want to kiss Rocky, but peer pressure once again got the best of me. Annnnd knowing that I was going to kiss a guy that everyone wanted, who was older no less… ::IshakeMyheadAtThee::
I should blame Paige, especially after I tell you about Canada. HA! So Middle school came and Paige moved again. It wasn’t until I was 18 and working at Claire’s [22.Jobs of the past] that we connected again. We instantly recognized one another, her mother remembered me after Paige explained who I was, and after that we were rather inseparable for the next year or so. Basically if I wasn’t with Kelly [Friendships pt. 2] I was with Paige. See, the whole reason Paige and I were friends when we were younger, was because of Auntie. [08.Auntie] She used to go to the beauty school for cheaper nails and perms (actually, getting our nails done together was something we did every 2-4 weeks! I have no idea when it started but I was youuuung.)
–side tangent– Igor called me the other day from Somerset Mall, somewhere neither of us had ever been; as it’s a really high end mall. Synchronicity again… I always knew about Sumerset from the stories I’d hear at the beauty school! And more synchronicity? I didn’t start this entry today and I never know the full direction that I’m going to go. That said, tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary of Auntie’s passing [11/21/22], and I know wholeheartedly that she is with me and why all of this came to mind. –tangent over–
Anyway, Paige’s mom was a student-turned-employee that Auntie really liked, and loved the idea of Paige and I being friends. I have no idea if Auntie knew the roughness of her lifestyle, but she somehow looked past it if so. Honestly though, I would like to say that’s the case, but the truth is she was rather judgemental sooo… I think she was naive to the truth.
Now that brings us to Canada. We were there for Paige’s 19th birthday and spent the weekend in Windsor. I know that Paige’s other friend Jessica met up with us, but I don’t remember if she was there the whole weekend or not – and Paige’s mother was. The first night we met this group of guys from Chicago. They were in their early twenties and claimed that they were there for a bachelor party; though were cagey on who the bachelor actually was. There were 3 guys at the club and supposedly 2 back at the hotel. We ended up hanging out with these guys all night. At one point they wanted to check on their buddies and have them come out with all of us. Foolishly, Paige and I went with them. I would like to say I’m surprised that her mom encouraged it, but I can’t be if I really think about it. I honestly cannot believe the “it won’t happen to me” mindframe we had. THANKfully [nothing] did happen, but seriously?! De.u.em.bee. When we got to their room we initially stayed in the hall while one of the guys went in. Sure enough there were 2 guys passed out drunk from an over indulgence of day drinking at the casino. Turns out >he< was the bachelor. Little did we know at the time, but 3 out of the 5 were. Three! And only one of the two back at the hotel were. If my math serves me right, that means we spent the evening hanging out, drinking, dancing, and flirting with these guys, two of whom were getting married!! Ahhh makes me so angry thinking about it! While Paige was legitimately just hanging out as one of the guys, I really hit it off with this guy JJ. He even [asked] me if he could kiss me. Asked me?! For someone who wasn’t a novice to kissing ::yesthereISshameWithinme:: that was a first… He had this odd obsession with my tongue ring and kept saying, “oooh tongue ring” all exaggerated as if he had just had the best bite of dessert. <- ha. May be a bad comparison but it’s the only time I react that way. ::rollsoverlaughing:: Okay so long story short – the evening ended with us exchanging phone numbers. Which, cool, he wasn’t one of the bachelors, right? WRONG… I found out via Myspace that he got married the weekend [after] we met! ::breatheeee:: I hate men. Ever since that experience proved that bachelors will be bachelors, I’ve hated the idea of my significant other having and/or attending a night out celebrating! >Thankfully< I don’t have to worry as I picked myself a super-quiet-introvert, who’d never want to be in a situation that could upset me in that way! WHOOOO!!!
Annnnnd last and hopefully last… the last night of our honeymoon. I was given multiple shots of chilled high end tequila. And by multiple I mean, I can remember at least 3 double shots before even going to the club for karaoke. I remember the male bartender was in [disbelief]! Ha. But thennn a couple we had met earlier in the day happened to join us at the club. The guy was so far gone he kept ordering shots for the 4 of us and I ended up drinking his. Igor only ended up doing 2-3 I think, but at some point the high end chilled tequila ran out and we got switched to naaaaasssssty warm stuff. By this point I was at about 8 double shots in for the evening… I was g.r.e.a.t. Having the time of my life. <- Let it be known, I never really did shots prior, they always made me sick; but somehow this chilled stuff was like water that night! And then they told us they had ran out and brought us the cheap stuff. After literally -one- sip, I turned my head and the scene quickly resembled the Exorcist. ::turnsred:: ::greenrather:: No, seriously, it shot out of me and I just turned my head back like it was nothing. It was then I blacked out. I woke up to Igor holding me in the women’s bathroom, on the floor. I guess I had gone in there and after a while he got worried and came to check on me. No idea. I vaguely remember waking up on the floor and then phase in and out while someone from the resort was pushing me back to our room in a wheel chair… a night to remember, ish, I suppose?! Ha, ha.
Oh the shame! ::facemeetpalm:: No, you know what? I’m not that girl, but if it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t be where I am today! So eff the feelings of shame, guilt and regret!!