Tag: Self Doubt

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Expedition Complete.

“It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me”
– Taylor Swift

Fauq… I’m lying here in bed unable to sleep, tears in my eyes and just a sense of, well, nothing. Granted yes, my serotonin levels are low and maybe this has become my new thing, blogging when my hormones get the best of me? I’m not sure what’s better, that or cutting my own hair? They both seem to happen that way. 

See, I just read my last entry and it made me tear up, but again, there’s nothing. Numbing almost. It has recently been brought to my attention, via an intervention of sorts, that I have been living in a state of avoidance and unintentionally inducing solitude and isolation. Yes, work has been crazy busy but not any busier than say, March, when I was working full time. I’m averaging 5-6 hour days 4 days a week and a few added hours every other weekend. But, because my hours are flexible, if I take time during the day to do something other than work, I still have to put in the time to get my stuff done. Thus, making it seem as though I really am working ALL. OF. THE. TIME! 

Then by the time I am done working I am exhausted; the kids being home on summer break while I’m working has been an event in and of itself. Not to mention my husband having his own crisis within his own mind and him just up and leaving for hours to play pickleball.

I want to blame my Cancer rising and Sagittarius moon for allowing me to put a wall up, to hide within my shell and ignore the world around me. And I could, but I still have to remember that there is light and shadow with everything and this reaction of hiding via my Moon & Ascendant is just a story I’m telling myself. Oh, yeah, I forgot to share: I’m now -officially- a >certified< astrologer and personal development coach, with an emphasis in positive psychology! ::bows::

So there’s that…

Anyway, so this hiding bit. I’m really not sure when it started but I’m pretty sure I know the trigger now that I have actually taken the time to look back. Mid May I went out to Connecticut for a work seminar of sorts and it was INCREDIBLE! It was also great to -finally- meet my bosses/coworkers for the first time, after working for TSE for 8 months and being a community member for 14! But, I messed up. Absent-mindedly, in the moment, I gave my cell number to a community member to text me something non-work related. Which, okay, that’s fine. However, 2 other community members saved my number and were talking about it with the big boss lady. I stepped over the workplace/personal boundary and it stirred up feelings of prior team members crossing said boundary in a negative way. I never meant harm but that was huge. Then I got back to Mi and was attacked with a 5mm kidney stone causing hydronephrosis (a fancy word for fluid retention in my kidney). It sucked! It came out of nowhere and I was needed for something for work, but I couldn’t do it because I was debating going to the ER. I had already taken a muscle relaxer and valium but it wasn’t cutting it. I never expected it to be a kidney stone as it presented itself [completely] different than any other stone I’ve had! I truly thought it was either my appendix or my ovary. 

It was a huge event week for us and there were some scheduling misunderstandings that made it appear like I wasn’t going to be working during important times, but I was!!! I take my job extremely seriously but with that recent mishap over trust and crossing the boundary, and the scheduling misunderstandings, and some stupid little mistakes I had been making while trying to learn/take over some things – it all piled up during a difficult time. 

After I ended up going to the ER I was told to take the week, heal and we’d circle back the next week. I knew something was wrong, especially after I reached out 3 times asking if I could show up for some things and was respectfully told to stand down. 

I.  Was. Gutted!! 

My job means everything to me and it was now on the line. That week was so incredibly difficult for me. Knowing just how busy this event was and the added stress my team was now under as a whole – made me sick. Not to mention how miserable the kidney stone made me, I had to miss Leighton’s choir concert, my dad & Igor’s birthday annnd plan, prepare, cross my fingers that I’d make it to Kellan’s FIRST real birthday party that weekend. If I had to miss it and let him down, with work being the way it was- I’m nauseous just thinking about it! OH, and it didn’t help that my in-laws were coming and would see my father for the first time since his diagnosis, which they knew nothing about. 

Ah yes, there’s the anxiety triggered tachycardia my heart knows all too well. ::takesdeepbreaths::

Two things I haven’t really discussed yet through my blog really. My in-laws and my father’s diagnosis. Now, my in-laws are a tricky subject because I need to tread lightly so as to not cross another boundary of speaking for my husband. I need to respect his feelings and not share more than what he’d want. But at the same time it is my blog, my truth and they are a big part of any issues that have been within my relationship, as you saw in [16.YearOne]. As for my dad, unfortunately he was diagnosed with a rare form of -Bulbar ALS- and it has been understandably difficult to witness. Now, I know he will be reading this and I don’t want to make him feel bad by any means, though it’s true, it is hard! Due to the nature of the relationship that I have with my daddy, I didn’t want my in-laws to find out because I knew how they would respond – or better, [lack thereof]. I knew that they would react in a way that would result in my being hurt and I didn’t want anything to do with it. So, we didn’t tell them and at the end of the birthday party, as they were leaving, they asked Igor what was “wrong”. He explained and they just said, >’oh’< and that was that. Never once have they mentioned it, asked anything about it, or even asked how he is doing since. I want to be respectful but it’s incredibly difficult to show respect for those who have zero respect for you and your family, their grandkids included. Maybe just saying this paints a picture for you without my needing to go into further details about them at this time? K.

Now that the vail has been broken and I am seeing what I had been avoiding, I’m drowning. It’s weird though, in the past when I have had a PMDD or depressive episode, I knew it. Without question, I knew when things weren’t right. Whatever it is that is going on now, I never realized it because I used a defense mechanism to completely wipe it all away. Breaking that wall down may have caused a flood but it’s absolutely still a struggle to consciously force myself to process things. And if I’m being totally honest, I’m not entirely sure how to. The only thing I can think of is to deliberately be time-intentional and make the effort to process, feel, heal. The only time therapy has worked for me was when I was working with a therapist who did basically what I do for a living, so I am unsure how a clinical therapist would help. Can’t forget to add on that I’m already in physical therapy 2-3x a week, see my doctor every 4-6 weeks, all the meds and supplements I take and don’t take but should take, it all adds up. I also know this is just a [money mindset problem] that can be altered but it’s difficult when again, your husband is battling his own money mindset battle and knowing that you’re taking away from something that he truly dreams of, isn’t an easy thing to face.

So, I work. 

I don’t believe that I have a work-life balance issue, but I can certainly see how some may think so just given the wall of isolation and avoidance. Plus, my job brings me >pure< joy!! So when it was on the line, hell yea I threw myself into it more, because if I wasn’t able to do the ONE thing where I ‘was’ [fully] confident in my capabilities, then what the actual fuck am I capable of doing? Hence why I didn’t recognize myself from the podcast. I was no longer confident and I needed to prove to my team, but especially myself, that I can do it! And I can. And I did! And then I stupidly pushed myself yesterday to try and get more done after I had walked away from work for the day, when I wasn’t in an ‘active work mindset,’ and made an oopsie. I am so mad at myself and was taken right back to May. Now, this oopsie wasn’t major but it certainly could have been and was super eye opening that when I’m done, I need to be done.

Annnnd now I see that maybe there is more of a balance offset than I truly believed. But again, it’s what makes me happy! Hell, no one can question my devotion after the fact I >turned down< -FREE- T.SWIFT Era tickets, due to the live intensive training for my life coach / personal development coaching certification!! I was literally SICK over it; I know I ultimately made the right choice but still cry and feel my heart is still broken a little bit. My love for Taylor is unmeasurable. I’ve been to 2 concerts and met her at one, I got lots of hugs and “I love yous” and it was one of the most incredible moments of my life, 13 years ago! 13!! HER number. I was 22 when I met her, MY number!!

…Okay, I’m getting sick again thinking about it. ::Pouts&TriesNotToCry::

Anyway, I’m not really sure where I was going with this entry when I first started writing it and therefore don’t really know if I spoke to everything I meant to as I finish it days later, but it’s an update! OH, and my boss’ book was just released, where I was interviewed and shared my story as one of the case studies for it; makes me kind of famous now, huh? Joking, kind of. It’s pretty cool though, nonetheless!!

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Hello, New Me! pt. 2

“It’s all about new me.” – Lity Munshi

I know I left you hanging and I do apologize; but if I hadn’t broken these up that blog entry would have been doubled the size of any other entry, and from what my husband has said, entries aren’t supposed to be >that< long. Though this is still long AF… ::shrugsshoulders::

So what were my 3 intentions that I wanted to change while I worked through Holistic Witchery?

Initially I wanted to change the way that I think about myself and the way I feel about how I handle life with 2E [Twice Exceptional] children, especially Leighton being neurodivergent. However, as I got thinking and working, I realized it’s not about -how- I think about myself but -why- I feel the way I do. Which also made me realize that it’s more that I needed to change the way I think in terms of Leighton. And then for my surroundings was an easy/obvious one after the chaos of Covid. I need to get my home back in order, I needed to get organized in every way possible!! But the question was, what did they all have in common that I could use as one intention to focus on?

The answer: Balance!!

You see, I’ve never felt comfortable doing things by myself. Going to a store without another adult/peer, I felt that I didn’t belong. My senses were on high alert and I felt disoriented. Even being out with my children just didn’t feel right. I would get anxious even just being in my front yard alone, which left me inside, anti-social and my landscaping neglected. Plenty of neighbors are outside with their kids or doing yardwork and I just couldn’t with them there, without someone else with me. Of course these are not rational feelings, which is why I figured out it’s not a matter of thinking but a matter of why. Why do I feel this way? What causes me to feel so drastically different doing something alone vs. with another adult? I thought maybe it was a confidence thing, like how I hate talking on the phone because of my processing disorder. I lose my train of thought, can’t get the right words out and sound like a babbling bimbo. The deep rooted shadow of “not being good enough” seemed to fit. Although, I have come to see that this is more of a problem with my generation as a whole. We grew up in the era of online chatting and texting for communication. The anxiety is there for almost everyone in one way or another, therefore, lack of confidence is too surface level to be the [real] shadow.

No, the real issue at bay, which in a way could be lack of confidence I suppose, is the lack of {believing} in myself. <- I know that sounds rather surface level as well, but here’s where the deep “AH HA” comes in. As I explained in [06.HS/Diagnosis], I was really sick as a teenager. I couldn’t do things on my own, whether it was because it was dangerous or I simply just couldn’t physically. I woke up too many times in a bathtub filled with cold water when I was just trying to shower. I didn’t know when I was going to end up face first on the ground or hitting my head hard enough for a concussion from dropping. It. Wasn’t. Safe. Over the years my health has been up and down, especially through hormonal transitions from pregnancies, nursing, weaning, etc. With all of my deep diving through Holistic Witchery, I realized that somewhere in my subconscious I have been stuck between being a healthy, capable adult and the bedridden teenager I once was. ::BAM::mindblown:: I have been “sick” most of my life but after getting a diagnosis 17 years ago, I’ve done enough research and am in tune enough with my body, that I know when I’m [really] sick vs. just not pushing hard enough. <- and I HATE to say it that way but it’s true. However, it’s not about fear of pushing myself too hard but rather… at all in some cases.

I came to the conclusion that I have been using past experiences as a crutch. The fear of something happening while out on my own, is my lack of {belief} in myself. The lack of trusting that I know myself well enough by now to know if I really will be okay. With this, also comes my lack of driving. Yes, there are absolutely days and stretches of time when I cannot get behind the wheel. It wouldn’t be safe for me or anyone else. But that lack of belief in myself rings true here, with the help of anxiety and a side of PTSD. After the car accident [12. Life Detour] I was left with PTSD, I mean who wouldn’t after experiencing what I went through? Although, I was able to overcome it and drive regularly again, until I wasn’t. When I hit longer stretches of being sick, I know I’m not well enough to drive. However, I have also concluded that I use being sick as a crutch to also allow anxiety and deep rooted PTSD to keep me from going out and/or driving. This is where the lack of pushing myself hard enough and/or at all comes into play. There are days that may be [iffy] as to whether or not I should drive, but those ‘iffy’ days are a wide spectrum of gray, and more so lean towards the ability to vs. ability not to. Deep down I probably already knew this, but a shadow is a shadow and buried deep for a reason!

Since this revelation? I have driven myself to meet up with Mom#2 [07. Ode to My Mentors] for tea, I have taken the kids and myself to my dad’s pool, taken both boys to Menards by myself, taken Leighton to a doctor’s appointment, myself to a doctor’s appointment and a few curbside pickups. I’m sure there are probably a few other smaller things, like to my mom’s, but these alone are huge! Prior to this summer, I could count on my hands the number of times I drove from the Fall/Winter of 2017 to this Summer… it’s fkin sad. Don’t get me wrong, there were >definitely< periods of [long] stretches where I really was -too- sick, but looking back now, I can see where there were days I likely could have driven but fear got in the way. Now, did it feel weird AF driving and being out? Absolutely! Did I still feel like I didn’t belong and disoriented while at Menards with the kids? Absolutely! And I know that it will for a long while, if not forever, honestly. But that’s okay! I found the {why}, therefore I know that the only thing holding me back is myself – and I don’t want to anymore!! I KNOW that I AM [capable]! I am finding the balance between being that sick teenager and the healthy, capable adult.

Now for changing the way I think about how I deal with Leighton. If that even makes sense? As I’ve already explained in [Twice Exceptional], having 2E children is no walk in the park, especially when they’re neurodivergent. My mother has always praised me for how I deal with/handle Leighton and his “episodes”. I try my best but I won’t lie that it’s hard AF and beyond exhausting. It has challenged my marriage and my mental health. As a mother it breaks my heart to even say this, but our relationship seemed [forced] out of obligation at times. After nearly 10 years I found myself just feeling more and more negative towards him, even though I knew it wasn’t his fault. Yes, he may be a master manipulator, but at the end of the day he is still neurodivergent.

As I worked through Holistic Witchery I knew I needed to work on myself in order to change my mindset around him. He is very science minded, black and white, and if he can’t see it to prove and/or explain it, he doesn’t believe it. We already know Igor [14. Forever & Always] doesn’t believe in -any- of this, even though the science IS there. He just doesn’t understand it. Ha ha. That said, let’s talk about crystals for a moment. Science has proven that -everything- has different vibrational frequencies, right? And that energy can be manipulated based on those different frequencies. So wouldn’t it just be a scientific fact that an object radiating a certain level of energy could manipulate your own frequencies? And with that said, wouldn’t it make sense that different crystals, with their own different frequencies, could affect one self? Sounds simple enough to me… Do I believe that crystals can cure things over medical intervention? No. Do I believe that crystals can change your emotions or mindset, put up a ‘shield’ to protect your own energy from taking on others around you, or aid in the healing of certain ailments? Yes. Is it possible that it is just a placebo effect? Absolutely. Is there anything wrong with that if it helps someone become the best version of themself? Absolutely not!

Being the ever so inquisitive child that he is, obviously he wanted to know more about what I was learning and how things worked. About two years ago he was interested in tarot but Igor and I agreed that I’d take a step back from teaching him about it, as he wasn’t fully grasping the psychology behind it. He saw it as cut and dry and took everything at face value. Now that he’s older he’s understanding things differently. In fact Igor joked that I broke our child because he was able to explain how people born on the same day, at the same location and time could have different astrological birth charts, because they’re not in the exact same location in terms of degrees. I laughed so hard because that was [not] something I had taught him; I actually hadn’t spoken to him about astrology at all before that! He then went on to discuss how there are actually 13 Zodiacs and a whole bunch of other space knowledge. <- In case you missed it, he’s been obsessed with all things -space- for over 5 years, when he decided he wanted to be an actual rocket engineer. His dream is to help put man on Mars and my goodness I’m sure he will!

Anyway, as I learned more about honing in on my intuition, Leighton started to notice and understand that he too is [sensitive] and really connected. Which has been hard for him because he doesn’t understand how he just >knows< things. He is stuck between logic and feeling and still trying to figure out what it is that he believes himself. Which is perfectly fine, he knows both mine and his father’s views, and all we can do is explain why we believe what we do and let him figure it out for himself. Suficeive to say that his clairsentience and claircognizance are strengthening and it’s difficult to navigate when both parents aren’t on board. He absolutely hates whenever he hears about, reads or sees someone getting hurt. He could never explain why until this summer… As it turns out, he physically >feels< the pain that someone else is enduring, even just fictional characters in a book or movie. Talk about taking emath to the next level! He has also described things that he sees such as auras and colored symbols. Being the science guy that he is, he didn’t believe the thought behind crystals either. Of course, it doesn’t help when his dad bashes it. BUT, I knew he was struggling. The more my “powers” unlocked, his did too. Even Kellan has been bringing things up out of the blue lately that are spot on without any way of knowing. I think it’s safe to say that the energy within our household is definitely changing.

One day the light bulb inside my head went off. I realized that it wasn’t the way I think about him or handling his episodes, it was about helping him take control for himself. Through therapy and everything in the book, nothing helped in terms of coping mechanisms. So, I decided to try a different approach. For those who don’t know crystals, black tourmaline is believed to be one of the best protection stones. It helps shield your energy from negative getting in or positive getting out. If that’s too ::woo woo:: for you, think of it in terms of vibrational frequencies. It helps keep you neutral without being affected. I bought a couple different tumbled stones and told him to feel them, really truly pay attention to his mind, body and soul. He could take one and walk away, try a different one. Just see if he notices anything different among them. <- That was the day Leighton became a believer. He couldn’t get over how dark and heavy one stone made him feel or how light and airy the other did. He felt a sense of calm he’d never experienced before and his whole mindset changed. In fact, he had been afraid of “witches” ever since his second grade teacher read The Witches during class. Like, legit nightmares for years. When I started Holistic Witchery and some pathways in Enchanted Journey, I learned more historical backgrounds and tried educating him. That was when I started saying that I was a witch – trying to show him that how they’re portrayed in books and movies is simply false narratives. My doing so was more to help ease his fear from the book but it completely changed his mind about everything he thought in terms of the subject.

This summer we took a family trip to Traverse City with my dad and Brian. Before leaving for the trip I mentioned that there was a crystal store that we’d go to where he could pick out his own crystals. Something that he feels drawn to, to keep him safe. While the black tourmaline made him feel better, everyone has different frequencies remember? Therefore, different stones work differently for different people. To my surprise there was a new “witchy” store that had just opened a few months prior. I was SO excited to pick up supplies but also for Leighton to experience it. Igor and Kellan were bored as can be and left us there, but Leighton? Leighton lit up like a Christmas tree! You could just see the spark within him. He did the same thing with a few tumbled stones there and ended up picking out snowflake obsidian (similar to black tourmaline while also bringing balance between the mind, body and spirit.) and lapis lazuli, which is also a protective stone but also brings about confidence with self awareness and expression, and deep inner peace. After we left with some awesome goodies I asked him what he thought. He LOVED it and felt like he [belonged]!! He can’t wait to visit another metaphysical store and has already asked a few times when we’d be going. Oh my sweet child, you are my baby boy! Ha, ha. Things between us started changing and getting good early in the program but after visiting that store, everything changed for us. We now have this connection that isn’t forced and I genuinely want to spend time with him; and I even look forward to snuggling at night, which was something I used to dread. Yeah, I’d say this intention for change is checked off.

Next we have changing my surroundings. Just one look around the house and it was super obvious what needed to be done. EveRythINg! Though it wasn’t just my house, it was my life in general. Due to being sick for so long prior to Covid, and then having the kids home for a year and a half, everything got turned upside down. As I’m sure it did with most everyone. I used to have a daily/monthly/yearly cleaning schedule but all of that went out the window. It was too hard to keep up with, with everyone home and no one helping. Plus my major PMDD spiral [Awakening] at the end of summer 2020. Life had just been a mess. Which is exactly why I started this blog and joined TSE: I didn’t want others to feel alone, but at the same time, I realized through the community at TSE, that I myself am not alone. I’m telling ya, the community alone is worth it, haha.

But seriously. I needed organization in my life more than ever! I made myself a daily schedule that has a timeline for myself to get certain things done, an area for daily gratitude, an affirmation, and then extra notes or things to remember to do. I also made myself a new daily/monthly/yearly cleaning schedule that would better fit life these days. I made both of them pretty, and colorful, and they bring me such joy when I see them. Heck, I even laminated them and bought wet erase markers. Yup, getting my surroundings balanced was underway, but I was just getting started!

Igor and I had always talked about things we wanted to get done around the house, updating wise, but after 9 years nothing was getting done. Literally. Landscaping did but we didn’t have a choice. <- I kid you not, my house is a hot spot for trees being taken out by mother nature. Which is ironic as we ourselves have removed 9 from the front yard and 3 in the back. Mother nature took it upon herself to strike 2 trees right next to each other with lighting, a few years apart. Lightning doesn’t strike the same place twice, huh? I have proof otherwise. Unless you’re going to be like Leighton and argue for the sake of trying to prove me wrong, because it wasn’t the “exact spot”. ::rolleyes:: But seriously, in the back 3 full trees and 2 separate half trees have been knocked down. Then the city removed one in front due to disease and just this past week half of another tree was hit by lightning in front. WTF is going on? Michigan isn’t supposed to have this crazy weather!! Oh wait, hi global warming. ::shakeshead::

Anyway, sorry, I didn’t mean to go on a tangent about trees and the weather. Just needless to say landscaping was a necessity. But you know, homeownership is for the birds. And yes, I am about to go on another tangent because this is my reality. You have a problem, try to fix said problem, the problem still exists. Then a new problem appears which ultimately leads to needing remodeling work done, which leads to discovering [new] problems, which leads to more remodeling and so forth. It’s a stupid cycle! If you don’t own a home, don’t do it. Just don’t. You’ll thank me one day…

Okay, so the second tangent goes with my changing the surroundings to a point. Like I said, we had plans to update our house but just never did, cause you know – money. The one thing that I wanted done first was new flooring in the kitchen and family room, and Igor wanted new kitchen countertops. Which, I don’t blame him, they really were horrible! Our master bath’s are also horrible but I am ok with the cheap fix with contact paper for now. Err.. well, ever, because priorities have certainly changed as of this summer. ANYwho. So, last fall we noticed our kitchen cabinets were starting to fall apart. We thought maybe some was due to water damage since we got a new roof in 2019 due to leaking. Turns out it wasn’t damaged but rather just junk. Our cabinets literally started to crumble. In fact, as Igor was removing one it all came apart and the shelves slammed down onto his head. ::sadfaces:: In March of this year we decided to go with a new Ikea kitchen. I designed it, we met with a member at the store, had their guy come measure but we sat on it. Igor couldn’t decide between a wall oven with a cooktop or a new range all together. I personally would have been fine with the range but whatevs. So for a few more months we played around with designs until I had enough.

Since Igor had to work my mom took me to Ikea to meet with a new kitchen specialist, to assure that our design was going to work and finalize everything. If you hadn’t already figured out that I am a person who second guesses everything and hates to make decisions, then I’d say you’re not actually reading my blog posts. But do you know what my new found confidence from TSE allowed me to do? I bought the damn cabinets!! Igor was in a meeting and I couldn’t get a hold of him and I just did it. > I < made the decision! Nevermind the fact that as soon as I sat in the car, I had to stick my head out of the door to throw up, right there in the parking lot. ::hidesInshame:: I have never had that happen before, ever! I didn’t even realize that my nerves were so heightened but it makes sense. My mom said that she had never seen me so composed, unanxious – I was like a completely different person going through that purchasing process. I’m sure you know what I mean when your parents tell you they’re proud of you, it’s just like “yeah, okay, thanks.” <- or maybe you don’t. I am sorry to assume; I know that I am very fortunate to have such a supportive family and that not everyone hears their parents tell them they’re proud of them. I think [my] parents have told my husband how proud of him they are more than his own ever have. Please know that I don’t take those words for granted, all I’m saying is, that day I {really} -felt- her words!!

When we went to Ikea in March they told us it could take 12-18 weeks to get all of our cabinets delivered/in stock. And when we met with countertop places they said it would be 4-8 weeks -after- the countertops were installed. WHaa??? I think that’s why we sat on it. It just seemed like the process would take forever and we’d be living in a nightmare. Little did I know, after ordering the cabinets the bulk of the order was able to be delivered less than 2 weeks later. Maybe that added to my getting sick in the parking lot, because it just got real, real fast! So they were delivered and I went to town building the bases of them. Out of 30 cabinets, I had all but maybe 6 completed within a week and a half. I was ready to get the ball roooolling. Problem was, we had no idea who would do the actual installing. We hadn’t found our countertops or flooring either. Hello stress overload, not so nice to meet you again.

My father in law is the kind of guy who [knows a guy] for everything. Being in that Ukrainian/Russian speaking network has its perks… to a point. Both of his guys said they couldn’t do the full projects until the Fall. So, I also went to town on disassembling the kitchen to help speed things up and hopefully make it cheaper for when we hired someone else. Buuuut my FIL wasn’t having it and convinced one of his guys that it wouldn’t be that big of a project, just come in and hang the cabinets. OMG did I feel terrible for him, he was so manipulated and I had no idea. My FIL also convinced his other guy to send one of his employees to do the flooring. What should have been a 2 day project turned into a 5 day project and a second guy was brought in for days 3-5. ::oyy:: This is where the point of why you shouldn’t be a homeowner comes into play. Upon removal of the carpet in the family room, we discovered that our door to the deck, one we NEVER use, was rotting on the inside from water damage. We knew the outside was an issue and that getting new windows was the only option to fix it. Which we planned to do, but again, money.,, one income household of 4 and a cat. So, we needed to remove the subfloor, bleach the heck out of everything structural to remove any built up mildew, and spray a ton of anti-mold stuff or something like that. All I know is the family room was tapped off with plastic for almost 24 hours. Now the pressure is back on to try to find someone for windows asap. We met with 3 companies last year but again, sat on it. And now with inflation it’s a nightmare! Remember when I said it would take 4-6 weeks for countertops? Yeah, I dreaded that process most of all! BUT in actuality, the whole process took less than two weeks, thankfully!! It took 8 FULL days broken up over the span of 4 weeks to get all of our cabinets installed, plus lighting and electrical replaced. And that’s just bases installed. Igor and I have been spending most of our free time building all of the drawers, installing them, installing doors, and adding hardware for like 2 weeks now and it’s still not done! So. Many. Drawers… Not to mention they messed up and sent us things we don’t need and left out some things we do. Cool.

::Breath::

I honestly have no idea when the kitchen will actually get painted, backsplash installed, or the decorative stips on the cabinets will be installed, but it’s getting there. I am SO excited to start the organizing process of the new drawers and everything! I got plastic bins and containers so I can ditch the boxes. We had to get all new cookware for the new induction cooktop, that I chose [purple] to match what the kitchen -will- be! Yes, I will have a purplish kitchen, and yes am I excited. Ha, ha. <- So alas, I legit changed my surroundings in the form of designing a kitchen that’ll better fit our needs, and allow me to keep things better organized.

I really am in such an amazing place, mindset wise! I am confident. I am capable. I am balanced. I am courageous. I am not afraid of failing, as it’s just lessons learned. I am not allowing my comfort zone to hold me hostage. I am thriving. AND I am [employed]! YES, yes you did read that correctly!!

Remember the last post where I mentioned that I reached out to -The Sisters Enchanted- and asked for a job flat outright? About that… as I’ve already mentioned, I went into this with a goal in mind: to work on myself and figure out a way to make money. At one point earlier this summer, I thought that maybe I’d get more into tie dying and sell some work, which, I guess is still a possibility. The kitchen remodel kind of took over my whole summer and so many plans went out the window. But, that is okay!! My heart is with what TSE has to offer and in just 4 months, they must have seen it as well! I {legit} worked my >own magic< and manifested a job for myself!! WHAT!? Yeah, that scared woman in limbo is no more. It has only been a week since I started as an independent contractor, working in Customer Service and Student Support with a little Operations on the side. AND I COULDN’T LOVE IT MORE!! I am just so happy to be a part of the vision that Sara Walka created! I have also been entrusted as the group “Mom” for one of their smaller, most intimate groups. It is my job to keep them engaged and encouraged, with all the love, light and support I can give! I have found my purpose! It’s still so surreal considering it’s been almost 11 years since I stopped working at the urgent care, and have been a SAHM ever since! Nothing is coincidence, it was Taurus’ New Moon where I set my financial intentions, and by the end of Taurus’ Full Moon cycle, I will have completed the ‘90’ day trial that I was initially set up with. But the funny thing is, after only one week, they’re all already talking about long term plans and using “when” instead of “if”. Yeah, I think this is going to work well for us all! <3

And on that note: If you are interested in checking out what TSE is about and how they can help you, help yourself, to become the best version of yourself that you can be – they/we? (OMG, it is we!) are hosting a 5 day workshop called, Magic Week, where you’ll walk away knowing your Expansion Archetype, with a sense of how to manifest and live a magical life based on your individual result. It all starts October 7th and if you’re interested, or would even like to just read more about it, you can do so here: The Sisters Enchanted’s Magic Week workshop. 

I am telling you, it is never too late and AlwAys worth it, to invest in yourself!!! And no, I promise you this blog hasn’t just become an add for TSE and I wont be throwing promotions at you left and right. I just really believe in what they’re all about! ::nodshead::
Love, light and hugs to all!

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16. Year One

“The eyes of love have 20/20 vision when focused on another, and become entirely blind when focused on ourselves.”
– Author: Craig D. Lounsbrough

“And from that day on, they lived happily ever after. <3
– The end.” [14. Forever & Always] Taylor Swift wasn’t wrong when she sang, “this ain’t a fairytale” because life simply isn’t as easy as that!

Coming from the Jewish-Russian background there is some truth behind the stereotype of a “Jewish mother’s guilt.” And does Igor know it all too well. Thankfully mine isn’t too bad but there were definitely times that she laid the guilt down heavily. I try my best not to make my kids feel that way because they are their own people, I respect their boundaries as human beings and do not believe in dictatorship. Now, that doesn’t mean I am a “free range” parent because I definitely am not, there are rules to be followed, but I respect my children’s feelings and honor their autonomy for who they are. Here’s a quick example: my children are both biologically male and identify as so. My oldest decided when he was 5 that he wanted to grow his hair out, but felt pressured by society to cut it as “boy’s don’t have long hair” according to my in-laws [especially..] So he cut it, and instantly regretted it because he no longer felt like himself. After a few more hair cuts he realized that he didn’t care what people thought, he wanted his hair long (at first it was because Mom had long hair- you know that whole “young-child Freudian theory”, but as it grew he felt more and more himself.) He was and still is often referred to as a girl by strangers because he really is pretty and his long hair is gorgeous! At first it really bothered him, he didn’t understand why others just -assumed- he was a girl; it became the perfect time to open discussions about gender, society, and “old world” thinking. How some people won’t understand, respect or agree with his decision and he may get made fun of for it.  After a while, he just stopped caring! We have always tried to instill that in life, you need to do what makes >you< happy, even though others may not agree or like it. It’s NOT easy to do, especially when people you care about don’t agree, and that kids at school (& people in general) can be mean. If you make a decision that causes you to stand out, you need to accept there may be backlash and that you need to be strong enough to not let it change who you are. If it makes you uncomfortable we’ll work through it and come up with a solution, but that being who you are is important, is validated, is okay! As long as you are happy and not causing any harm – {nothing} could or would ever make us feel differently towards him!!!

This whole situation has made him so strong in not caring that he stands out. At school he is one of the only ones in his class still wearing a mask and using a plastic divider at his desk. His response to being different? “I’m the boy with long hair, I’m used to being the only one that is different.” <- Oh my heart sweet child! I could not have been more proud in that moment as a mother! See, the thing is, he has always been different and stood out because of his giftedness, and the fact he -knew- his brain worked differently broke my heart because he saw it as a flaw. Thankfully now he embraces it and isn’t afraid to humbly-brag. Oxymoron? Eh, whatevs. He is who he is and while it isn’t easy at times, I couldn’t be prouder for who he is becoming!

Before I came into Igor’s life he didn’t know how to stand up for himself against his parents. He never wanted to disrespect them, but he realized that being able to voice your own feelings and opinions, especially as an adult, is not only okay, it’s crucial to your own life’s happiness! His family doesn’t see it that way. He is their child so he should do as they say. Much like how they feel we are Leighton’s parents so we are the ones who decide how his hair will be. He is young and shouldn’t be able to make choices like that for himself… F THAT! I would -never- expect Igor to disrespect his parents, but simply speaking up to them, against what they say, even when done nicely, is disrespect in their eyes. I mean, they moved to America to give their children a better life, it shouldn’t be a surprise when they grow up “American” with American Xennial views. Oh man, I have so much to say but I’ll leave that for another post(s)… or try to at least, haha.

As I said in [14. Forever & Always] I was honest about my health from day one, even though he may not have understood the extent of it. I do not have Fibromyalgia, but it is a term he was kind of familiar with so I used it as a way of explaining my pain from EDS [06. HS/Diagnosis]. His older brother (and roommate at the time) overheard and went straight to his parents. He may have been older but maturity wasn’t there yet; he still told his parents everything. Looks as though Igor wasn’t the only one to feel he wasn’t allowed to have his own life. It actually took until meeting his own wife to also grow a “backbone”, per say. That led to a shitstorm thrown into Igor’s lap about how I was basically “defective”. That he shouldn’t want to be with someone [sick] because it’ll ruin his whole life, who knew what would be passed down to >his< children, etc. To them it’s all about how {they’re} perceived by -others-! My mom made a comment once about how if we wanted a third child we could always adopt; I wish I had my MIL’s reaction on film – you’d have thought my mother spoke of witchcraft back in the 1690s. The disgust, the horror, the shame, the shock. The spoken, “Oh, no. No, no, no.” as if just saying the word “adoption” was taboo enough. ::rollseyes::

Anyway, with Igor having never been in a real relationship prior me, everything his parents said got to him. He was confused and wondered, what if they were right? He didn’t know any better because again, at this point in time he was still very much under their thumb. Which – led to us breaking up… after 2 months of being together 2-3x a week and talking daily for 3 months. I was so thrown off I didn’t even know what to think. It literally came out of nowhere!

But as time went on I realized it was more like when Kev and I used to “break up” [09. First Love]. We still hung out fairly regularly and talked daily. We were each other’s “besties” and neither of us were pursuing anyone else. Annnnd ultimately still hooking up (though not at first). I think the second time we hung out post “break up”, we had gone to the zoo (the first being like a half hour visit because I needed to get him his 25th birthday present I had already bought). The zoo was part of his Jdate profile questionnaire [14. Forever & Always] regarding an ideal first date, a date that never happened while we were [together.] This was probably 3 weeks after the “break up” and it was genuinely a great day! At the end of the evening, my heart burst with jOy when Igor –asked– if he could >:kiss:< me! How stinkin’ adorable is that? I mean 10/10 in terms of respect but also, awe!!<3 I wanted nothing to do with this break up and he knew where I stood. So, in my heart, I felt that maybe this was him reconsidering his choice… but no. He just missed me and was even more confused than ever because, how could something that’s not [supposed] to be, feel so {wrong} not being so? He had never been happier in life before I came into the picture; I was the first person to open his eyes to a whole different world and the thought of me not being a part of his life just didn’t make sense!

However, towards the end of summer I noticed some new female friends commenting on his Myspace that were questionable for someone claiming they weren’t [looking to date anyone]. I sort of felt defeated, not going to lie. I [knew] we weren’t together but it was -just- like it was when Kevin and I were “off” but {not off}. Was I destined to a life of on-again/off-again relationships? Was I subconsciously allowing myself to be used (per say) thinking it was keeping them close? Why did I keep putting myself in these situations?!? Oh yea ..>< Love ><.. Only, it was different with Igor! If you were to ask me who I loved more, it would honestly be a complicated answer. My love for the both of them was/is so different that they’re simply not comparable!! With Kev it was the butterflies, childhood memories, teenage hormones and the {“firsts”}, but with Igor it was as if my whole being felt such a deep rooted connection, a calmness and -completion-. My heart and soul just felt complete with him near.

At the end of August I headed out to Seattle for nearly 2 weeks to see my long lost bestie, Tiffany. [11. Childhood Friendships+] I fell \ IN LOVE / with the city and truly considered moving there! A fresh start. I purposefully made it a point to talk to Igor as little as possible: out of sight – out of mind. Simply enjoy my time with someone I hadn’t seen in 5 years. If we talked it was because he texted me. I did send him a postcard because, well, I may have been hurting because of him but he was still my best friend and the one picking me up at the airport when I returned. However, while in Seattle someone else started texting me again and wanted to get together when I returned. I’ll give ya one guess since it’s not like my love life wasn’t already complicated enough or anything. ::faceMeetpalm:: 

After getting my bags I was met with the biggest bear hug, kiss and a gift. I guess a coworker was making candles and he asked if he could get one for me. Dang this rollercoaster of a thing called, <life> sure has its twists and turns. That candle by the way was never used and currently sits on display in our main bathroom. What can I say, I’m a simple sentimental kind of gal. And by simple there really isn’t anything simple about me in retrospect, but at the same time… yeah, yeah I am! ::shrugs::

Over the next couple months things were status quo between us, though we both were keeping some things to ourselves, which neither of us found out until a while later. I don’t remember where in the exact timeline he started, but he started playing soccer Friday evenings with a co-worker in Ann Arbor. With Ann Arbor being closer to me than him, he often just stayed the night at my place afterwards. I went to some games and his co-worker’s girlfriend just couldn’t understand why we weren’t together. Honey, same? He went on a business trip to Chicago and when he returned he came right to my house with yet another gift. Huh, if you’ve read my [Husband Appreciation] post you’d know he’s not a gift giver, and yet, now I’ve received 2 in maybe 2 months? This is what we call -deception- my friends. Haha. Joking, kind of. But really, I find humor in this now reliving it because that wasn’t the last gift I’d receive while still “broken up” – in fact there were 2 more in December alone! ::HandsToCheeksShockedFace::

I come from a very musical family and love musicals. My grandfather used to take me up to Stratford, Canada to see them growing up. Stratford is known for their Festival of modern and Shakespearean plays in multiple theaters. It was also tradition that he sang, “Sunrise, Sunset” from Fiddler on the Roof at family weddings; I am so, SO grateful that he was able to at mine!! What an honor to bear witness, what became his last [true] performance! All of that said, one of my favorite live shows is }Wicked{ and I had seen it once before. Mom had gotten me tickets for graduation; so Jessie and I went since it was Jessie who introduced me to Wicked to begin with. [11. Childhood Friendships+] Wicked was coming to town and Igor got us tickets! What?! He even made plans with his best friend to get tickets for him and his girlfriend, too. It was the first time I had met either of them. Yup, 9 months and I hadn’t even met his best friend. Also, not awkward at all to have his girlfriend, whom Igor had only met briefly once before because the relationship was still new, pick me up so I could wait with her until the guys came after work. Nope, not awkward at all… <- Honestly? I don’t know how I did it! But she was so friendly and outgoing, she talked as if we’d been friends forever. That’s just the kind of person she is, though, we really did end up becoming friends and they even ended up getting married one month before Igor and I.

For those who are unfamiliar with the show, one of the most popular (punny because there is a song Popular) known songs is, >For Good<. If you haven’t heard it you must, here; you’re welcome! Here are just a few of the lyrics but the main point of the song:
“Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better
And because I knew you
Because I knew you
I have been changed
For good”

So good, right? I get chills just thinking of Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth singing it! With Marion being my [10. Twin Flame] this song always resonated with the two of us, still does. I think of both her and Igor anytime I hear it, must be because they’re my two counterparts! Anyway, during the show, during that song, Igor grabbed my hand, held it tightly and tried his best not to let the tears in his eyes fall down his cheeks. I was unaware at the time, but apparently he bought a necklace from the souvenir stand, and said necklace was given to me for Christmas! There went my heart flip-flopping again! Guys… see what I mean when I jokingly call his actions deception? Like, how does one NOT take that as a good sign?!?! We spent New Years together and it was honestly one of the best evenings together since the “break up” that it/I legitimately felt like we were getting back together… [officially].

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Gratitude!

“What if today, we were just grateful for everything”
– Charlie Brown

Today I am in tears, in awe and left without words as I am filled with gratitude! Irony of course being that as a “writer” – blogger, you kind of need words. They are the essence of your work. For 8 years I have been writing my story, on and off, bits here and pieces there. But it wasn’t so much for others as it was for myself. An outlet to work through trauma. An outlet to uncover hidden darkness within my shadow. An outlet just to vent. Of course, the original copy shall probably be burned or buried as I wasn’t so discreet when it came to not exposing the truths of others. As I wrote, I just wrote to get it out. And when I say wrote, I literally mean pen to paper. It’s actually my preference!

I don’t remember what exactly inspired me to start typing everything up, but as I started typing I quickly realized that imminent changes were dyer. And by changes I don’t mean truths in to lies, but rather rewriting in a way that wasn’t so raw and exposing of others. I am an open book, ask me anything and I will share, however, I do respect others rights to their own privacy. Exposing oneself is one of the most difficult things you can do. It causes you to get to know yourself in ways that challenge every fiber of your existence. It’s not easy, it’s not even close to butterflies and rainbows, but it’s what allows you to discover the real you. It allows you to free yourself from any shame you may have felt at a given time!!

By owning your truth, no one else has power over you. You are no longer hiding in fear of what others may think. The important thing is that [you] know who you are and it’s a damn good feeling being free! Don’t get me wrong, I still want to throw up due to nerves for doing this, however, what’s been done is done.

Yesterday I made the big announcement, officially letting everyone know about my blog. Sharing what may have once been my secrets, now truths for the world to see. More or less my announcement meant that everyone I know: past, present and future, will discover more about me than they ever imagined. As you get older and make new friends, it’s not easy sharing your past. Adulting is hard enough; being worried what others may think of your past isn’t worth any self doubt! [Hell, realistically nothing is worth self doubt!!] Your past doesn’t define you, all it is, is previous chapters within your life’s story.

Anyone that knows me knows that somewhere along the way I lost any desire to talk on the phone. As a kid/teen I was always on the phone, now? My own husband gets mad when I don’t answer. If I’m not mistaken I have already explained this but I don’t remember where. Long story short: I get physically ill sometimes just talking on the phone due to anxiety. Due to not believing in myself and that I’ll say something wrong or babble and make no sense. Due to fear of being judged. Due to past trauma that left me broken. Since gaining the confidence and strength to publish this blog, I have noticed that talking on the phone is getting easier. I am able to make important calls without even thinking, where I would once need to ground myself into just the right frame of mind. My cousin joked just last week that, “you know life is wild when Jena calls you on the phone twice in one week.” It was then that I realized I wasn’t as affected by it.

I actually just had a zoom call with a ::complete stranger:: and never once did I feel beneath them. I wasn’t even nervous leading up to the call until just minutes before. I quickly grabbed my Light Seer’s deck and pulled the King of Cups; I was instantly grounded and reminded of my worth! (If you are unfamiliar with tarot, click here to read and learn more about this specific card and maybe you’ll understand how it saved me in the moment!) After that zoom call I was on cloud nine… then broke down.

I am humbled by the numbers I’m seeing today. How many of my friends and family actually took the time to check my website out, even if only to lurk without reading a single post. I cannot begin to explain how astounding it feels knowing that what I am doing is worth it. I have always said that, “if my story can help even just -one- person not feel alone, then I have met my purpose”. This journey of self discovery [in Awakening] has changed me within my core. Between that zoom call, all of the words of encouragement and positive feedback I have received in regards to my blog, >>I am sitting here realizing that I myself, just may even be that -one- person!<<

With hugs, love, light, and many blessings, I thank you!!!

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13. Survivor – edited*

“From every wound there is a scar, and every scar tells a story. A story that says, -I survived.” ― Fr. Craig Scott

I know that I haven’t finished discussing my past with Kevin [09. First Love] but we’re just going to skip forward some. It’s not that I won’t or don’t want to talk about him, I just feel like there’s more to share that explains {why} I am me. Or rather, how I’ve gotten to where I am? I don’t know, whatever.

There are 2 relationships post Kev – well, maybe not exactly -post- but we weren’t “together” and he was away at college getting accustomed to his new life as a freshman basketball player. So what’s the best way to move on? Rebound. Not that I was exactly looking for a rebound but getting to know someone else didn’t hurt in helping me forget about Kevin. Although that relationship may not have hurt helping me get over Kev, it definitely hurt and left its mark for years to come. Here’s a definite altered name because he doesn’t deserve to be called anything other than, Asshole. Our relationship may have only lasted 3 months but it’s amazing how one can emotionally abuse you so much that you’re forever altered after such a short period of time. * EDIT [When you are emotionally abused you do things and put up with things that you wouldn’t normally accept. Emotional abuse can and -often does- lead to other forms of abuse. I choose to use “emotional abuse” as my umbrella term as it’s easier to discuss and how it >often begins<]* How did this happen? My only guess is that I was so vulnerable after Kevin went away to school that my guard and standards were dropped.

*🚫➡️ To better understand emotional abuse please visit: Here
*🚫➡️ If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence,
contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for
confidential assistance from trained advocates.

I had only been diagnosed at Mayo [06.HS/Diagnosis] just a few months prior and was still corresponding with my diagnosing doctor via email. All of my important notes, results, suggestions – everything and anything that I needed to share with my doctors back home, teachers, everything – were saved in an important file within my email. In a stunt to show control, Asshole hacked in and deleted EVERYTHING! Not -just- my medical folder, but he wiped clean my entire email account, to nothing… Remember now, I am only 17 at this point and to technically have a yahoo account you needed to be 18 at the time (has that changed?). Not that an 18 year old would know any better how to rectify the situation but my mother got a hold of customer service so fast that even The Flash would have had whiplash! Buuuuut unfortunately there was “nothing” they could do, once things are deleted from the trash, they’re lost within the back hole of cyberspace.

Looking back now, I’m sure Jack could have figured out a way to retrieve everything as his hacking skills are essentially what granted him a free masters degree that lead to some significant cybersecurity jobs. It’s always been a running joke that he actually works for the government but can’t tell us. He gets SO mad whenever anyone mentions it. He may be a phenomenal bullshiter, using words intentionally to go above your head so you have no idea what he’s saying and end up just going with it, but a gut feeling is a gut feeling and this gut feeling says otherwise! Ha, Ha.

Anyway, it was this stunt that got my parents involved and I was finally able to break away from the grips holding me prisoner. I am not exactly sure what happened, I may have a fantastic memory but I’ve certainly tried to block A-hole out, but I do remember him calling me late at night while I was at my dad’s so mad, that my dad took the phone from me – letting this guy have it, threatening to call his parents and tell them everything while also getting a restraining order. He may have been 18 but he still lived at home and had his parents fooled. It only took that one threat for him not to contact me again… until spring break [11. Childhood Friendships+] about 18 months later. I have NO idea how this guy found out, but apparently he joined the military and was stationed in FL at the time I was there. I received a call from a number I didn’t know so obviously I ignored it. Hello!? Who actually answers random numbers from out of state area codes?!?? I then received a text message from the same number that shook me to my core. It didn’t say who it was, but > I knew <. It was something along the lines of how I’m not a child anymore and that since we’re both in the same state, and area at the same time we should get together. That it had been long enough that I [shouldn’t] still be upset and that I was an adult now and didn’t need Daddy to protect me.

BreAthE…

See? I meant it when I said it shook me to my core!! I was at the strawberry festival at the time, not somewhere I had even planned on going, it was a last minute thing with Sheri’s parent’s. Nowhere was it posted online, nothing. Wherever we were, it wasn’t far from him and I still get chills when I think about it. How? How did he know? After all that time, new phone number, what? I never responded and as soon as we told Sheri’s parents what was up we booked it out of there! He never tried contacting me again, until he congratulated me via a FB message on my engagement, over 2 ½ years later. Uh, HARD BLOCK! I knew him during the Myspace craze and my FB wasn’t even under my real name at the time. What THE ACTUAL fuck?!!! It’s been 12 ½ years and THANKFULLY the universe has been beside me and I haven’t heard from him since. He lived in Royal Oak, which just so happens to be one of the top locations for adult nightlife. There is so much to do down there even during the day, but I get paralyzed every time I go there. For years, I couldn’t. Even just getting off the exit to go to the Detroit Zoo was the same and caused extreme tachycardia. Has it gotten easier over the years? Yes. Am I still affected each time I head to Royal Oak? Yes. I don’t wish anyone ill, but I also wouldn’t shed any ounce of sorrow or tears if something happened to him.

He broke me.

Which is what sent me to someone SAFE, comfortable. Someone I trusted and truly cared about. Someone who pined over me for years. Someone my mom really cared for even when we were just friends, though she always wanted more for us. Do you remember the time I kissed a guy on the bus, on the 3rd day of freshman year? If not, meet Christopher [09.First Love]. Oh Christopher… See, I [believed] he was someone safe, comfortable and trustworthy; but he shattered my heart. Unbeknownst to me, he was an addict. He too joined the military and leading up to his departure we were much closer and from my understanding, together. This was somewhere around March-May 2006 I believe? His family knew me, I was in contact with his parents (mostly his mama) while he was at bootcamp. I helped set up his welcome home party, was driven to and from said party by his dad and step-mom. They believed I was his gal, until this other girl showed up bouncing off the walls so excited and introduced herself as his girlfriend to everyone… jaw meet floor. The confused looks we all shared, it was almost a pin dropping silence within our own little bubble. At one point his cousin asked who she was, then looked at me and said, “I thought you…” I cut her off and replied, “am the best friend” with a shrug. At one point they left together and when he came back, she was gone. He told everyone he didn’t know why she thought that but that she had left. Other than that, never once did he try to rectify the situation and barely even apologized to me. It took every ounce of strength that I had not to cry.

Later that evening I received an email from his mom apologizing for his actions, that she was in disbelief herself and so disappointed in him. She promised to talk to him and make him get in touch with me. So, even later that evening I received an instant message (ayy A.I.M.!) He just kept apologizing and telling me how much he loved me and was going to make it up to me. Saying all of the right things, right? We only got a chance to talk at night due to work and school/whatever else goes on in the service post bootcamp, oh and a mini deployment. For nearly a year, I genuinely believed in our relationship. He would [half jokingly?] ask me when we were “getting hitched”, even gave me a date; blah, blah, blah. So no, we were never really engaged but from my understanding, rather serious!!

Then one day in November 2007 I got an email blast announcement, announcing and congratulating the newly married couple… Wait, what? Yeah, that’s exactly what I said and thought, too. I was so confused and angry that I sent a message I should have probably waited to send until I had some time to cool off. He of course wrote me back not understanding why I was so upset. That he’d expect me of all people to be happy for him, that he loved me so much, -> wait for it…

[I was like a SISTER!]
Boom! Mic dropped!! I’ll let you digest that for a moment…

Are you fkin’ kidding me? I didn’t even know what to say. This had to have been a joke, right? Like, this isn’t real life. I have hours and hours of saved messages, letters, texts… a sister? GTFO! My mom was just as devastated as I was. I quickly blocked him and refused to talk to him. There was nothing left to be said!!

My heart was shattered. Literally shattered.

It didn’t help that Kevin had started dating a girl, thee girl that caused most of our issues at the end (well not the real, real end, but I guess in a way it was because of her that we are officially no longer in each other’s lives at all, just not at that time). Hello mental rollercoaster, we meet again… Chris’ mom emailed me a few weeks later checking in and seeing how things were going. The nerve, right? No, I get it, she genuinely cared and wanted to see how I was doing, but also why I wasn’t talking to Christopher. So, I wrote her back, attaching just a fraction of the conversations I had saved, but enough for her to see why I believed we were legitimately, seriously, together still. Ha. The ironic thing is, I don’t even know if we were ever really technically together.

If you remember, I mentioned Christopher was an addict, yet I had no idea. His mother called me so fast, so angry and disappointed in him that she wanted more details. She was in complete disbelief. She had no idea her son was even capable of doing what he did. Apparently she let him have it and he tried reaching out because he was confused. All I had to say, or rather show, was the middle finger to my phone as his name appeared. <- I had a bad habit of not deleting anyone’s numbers. ::shrugs:: I didn’t have anything to say to him and ignored all his efforts. BTW that marriage was over within months, maybe even weeks, if I’m not mistaken.

I met my husband about 3 months later with a high, high guard up. But I’ll explain our story another time. After about 8 or so months Chris was going to be in town and really wanted to get together to talk. Having met Igor I was in a better place to try and listen. As I was still ignoring him however, he reached out to me via his mom and I told her that if he was serious, then for him to call me when he was back in town… Yeah, that call never happened. THEN a little over a year later he reached out :again: and firmly made it known that it was imperative that I give him a chance to explain himself. That he had so much to say and that “I more than anyone deserved an apology in person.” Uh… Igor and I were in such a great place that I was conflicted and concerned for his feelings about my meeting up with Chris. Like, this would be the first time in close to 2 years since we’ve actually spoken. I didn’t want Igor feeling concerned or anything but I knew he trusted me and when I asked him permission (and no, of course I knew that I didn’t {need} his “permission” – it was more about showing my respect for his feelings!) he didn’t sound too happy but knew that deep down, I needed this closure in order to really move on and heal. He told me that he’d respect my decision either way but deep down I knew he was on eggshells. Little did I know, the same day that I asked Igor about my getting together with Christopher, was the same day he received what he hoped would be my engagement ring…

We made plans to meet for lunch a few days later. He wanted to come to the house but Mom didn’t think she was ready to see him, given everything. So we planned to meet at a local diner where I waited, and waited, and as it turned out – that day became the first and last time that I have EvEr eaten by myself at a restaurant. Fker stood me up!! Seriously?! I was beyond fuming at this point when I received a call as I was driving home. He called beggggggging me to meet up with him right then, claiming he slept through his alarm because his phone died or something, who the eff knows. I was too weak to say no, and ultimately I’m -glad- that I didn’t, but part of me wishes I was strong enough to have just said, “F.U.”

Igor was right, I needed that closure. I knew that our relationship was progressing but in order for me to fully drop my wall, to be authentically raw and 100% vulnerable in my love and trust for him, I needed this.
I’ll admit, it was hard seeing Christopher at first. He’s always had this charm and charisma about him that no one can withhold smiling back when he smiles at you. I kind of hate him for that, joking::notjoking:: He told me first and foremost that I deserved so much more than an apology, that there are no excuses for his actions and that he hated himself for the hurt he had caused me. He loved and respected me too much, to not apologize and explain himself in person. He knew that nothing he was going to say was going to fix or make things better, and that he would understand if I still held resentment, though of course hoped I wouldn’t. He really wanted to apologize to Mom but he understood and asked me to pass his sincere apologies on to her. It was this conversation where I learned about him being an addict. That he was so messed up in the evenings that he couldn’t recall half of our conversations. Essentially, our entire “relationship” was while he was under the influence and he was basically living a double life without realizing it. You smell bullshit, right? Cause, same! The more we talked, the easier it got to see his side of things and my wall of anti-trust was starting to crumble. That said, forgiving and forgetting are two very different things. I could feel the genuine sincerity behind his words and forgiveness crept in. I told him about Igor and he claimed that he had never seen my face or eyes light up the way they do when I talk about him. He could tell how truly in love I was and apologized that he couldn’t be that person for me. He was thrilled for me because I deserved better and that until he was in a good place with himself, that he couldn’t be that person for anyone; he knew he had a lot of work to do.

Saying goodbye to Chris was easier than expected. We hugged and went our separate ways. I called Igor as soon as I got into my car and started bawling… Ha, I can only imagine what must have been going through his mind at that second seeing as he had just gotten a ring for me days prior. The tears I shed were relief, forgiveness, happiness, hopefulness, and so much more. I was relieved that the weight of all this negative energy was lifted off my shoulders, I was able to forgive and kickstart my healing to truly move on and leave it all in the past, and for that -I was happy-! Most of all, I was hopeful for my future with Igor. Meeting up with Christopher was exactly what I didn’t realize I truly needed. I was at peace; and within just a few short hours:

I was also engaged!!

{I wanted to end this post with that very last sentence, but I felt it necessary to give an update: It took a couple more years but he finally did it! If I’m not mistaken, I believe he recently celebrated 9 years of continuous sobriety. He has since married and had children. Which, of course, is great but honestly? I care more about the fact that he went on to achieve his bachelors degree and then even his masters! He was able to attain his ultimate dream of becoming a professional sports reporter and is currently a director of public relations and broadcasting! I could not be prouder or happier for him and his success!! You know the whole “once you love someone you always will” thing I keep mentioning? It’s true, I do love Christopher; but something  I have come to realize as the years have passed and with the help of therapy, is that after Asshole, I went for safety. Chris had always been special to me, [a true friend], even though he always wanted more for us. I never could love him the way that he wanted/needed, the way that I had loved Kevin or my husband. Maybe deep down he always knew that. While this is speculation, I believe that what transpired could very well have been his own subconscious way of protecting the both of us. It sucked and hurt so much at the time, but looking back, I wasn’t being fair to him to begin with. Maybe that’s why saying goodbye to him was easier than I had expected. Subconsciously I knew that I loved him fiercely, but only ever at arms length as a true friend.}

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Awakening

“The vast majority of adults have never met themselves.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

This next paragraph is what I was initially referencing in my [husband appreciation] post. Where the “—– I have no idea where this is going to fit, however I need to write so I’m writing.” quote came from:

*Back in April 2006 I wrote: “Lately there are times I find myself escaping reality, with hopes to avoid the hardships life brings; and I end up looking away from my goals because I forget to believe.” <– Holy Hell! It’s been 16 years and I’m pretty sure this has been on repeat ever since I first wrote it. It’s actually fucking sad that It’s still relateable… I have worked so damn hard on myself a few times over these past 16 years only to be smacked in the face by my own ghost. What even were/are my goals? I know that I am not living the life I wanted, I’m barely living at all. The thing about always being in fight or flight is the reality of only knowing survival mode. I wonder if I’ll add this <-^-> to my blog/book/whatever TF it ends up as. <- [Evidently I chose: Blog…] Every time I end up in a good place I’m shortly knocked back down. Like, how terrible must I have been in a previous life? This isn’t about learning at this point. I’ve learned gratitude and strength and all that bullshit. There is literally no point as to why I have to deal with this time and time again! Effin’ A!*

^ That said, I have recently entered a new phase, er, [season] if you will, that has left me lost and unsure of what comes next. After I was diagnosed with PMDD things were under control for about a year, until they weren’t. Out of nowhere I spiraled and things went dark, very dark. And scary. FAST! I am so grateful for knowing myself and after years of therapy, that I was able to recognize that I needed intervention and I sought it right away. It took time and the right medication dosage/ combination but I found peace within my mind. I love self-help workbooks, answering questions about myself or how I’m feeling. I guess (and I’m realizing this right now as I type this) that I enjoy writing. Like truly enjoy sharing my truth whether just for myself or whatever, putting pen to paper has always been my go to without realizing it. I like details and therefore like providing details. Interesting… Maybe this is my calling and what I’m meant to do after all. Good thing I started it, huh?

Anyway, ::tangent over:: part of my reaching out for help included asking my therapist if she knew of any workbooks that would allow me to work on myself. More importantly, allow me to find myself, as I had been lost in the sea of -everything else but Jena- for far too long. I didn’t know who I was outside of being a wife, Mom, sick. I knew that inorder to find joy and work through this severe episode of PMDD, I needed to find the missing piece to fill the void in my heart. The void I didn’t really know existed until I realized how empty I was. Michaelene recommended The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive by Christopher Germer and Kristin Neff. OHEMGEE I believe everyone and their mother needs to get this workbook! Of course by ‘mother’ I just mean everyone, because just do it. You’ll thank me later, I know from experience…

But seriously, after only a few chapters into this thing, I felt like an entirely new person. But I wasn’t someone I didn’t recognize or someone else entirely.

No – I was me.

I found a part of me that had been suppressed for most of my life, especially my adult life. It’s honestly mind blowing when you have these crazy revelations let me tell ya. The whole “light bulb” going off feelings is legit. Everything is illuminated in a way you didn’t even know was possible. However, while things were starting to unfold I was still not getting to the true bottom of WHO I really [AM], not just who I had buried… So, since workbooks are my jam, I started to research what other books were out there and came across Becoming Who You Are  – A Workbook For Self Discovery + Transformation by Danna Yahav. All I can say is, WOW! SO many rabbit holes to go down, so much unpacking needing to be done. I thought my mind was a crazy ADD spiral of endless loops and turns to begin with, but dannnng. A LOT of mind bending, explosive, endless, rabbit holes. I have also fortunately connected with the author via social media and she affirmed my >bravery<, which I didn’t realize I needed to hear until she said it. <3

With all of the above said, while I love and HIGHLY recommend the mindful self-compassion workbook, if you find yourself on your own {spiritual} quest for discovering yourself, Danna’s workbook is exactly what you need. Just be forewarned and prepared, ha. However, thanks to this specific workbook I am discovering so much about how the lunar cycles in whichever sign it’s passing though actually resonates with me; and thanks to the daily logging I am finding that I am holding myself accountable a lot more and gaining even more confidence to say “EF it, I’m doing it!” In fact, It was through working with this workbook that pushed me to finally start publishing my blog posts publicly!

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12. Life Detour

“Life is a journey with almost limitless detours.”
― Ken Poirot

As you know, I got my GED. However, I just so happened to receive it before I turned 18 and before my class actually graduated, allowing me to get a head start at college. Taking the GED reminded me of every other “standardized test” I’d ever taken. I was both extremely nervous but also oddly calm. The test itself was relatively easy and I actually scored between the 90th-99th percentile in every area. I was shocked and found humor in the fact that I had struggled for so long, for… this? I guess the schools were [right] in that my IQ was “too high” and I mastered finding a way to “over compensate” for my struggles. ::hard, hard eye roll:: – {maybe even a middle finger or two…}

I started at the local community college because it was >free< via my FAFSA and Federal Student Aid eligibility. I grew up watching Matlock, Murder She Wrote and all Law & Orders with Auntie (along with many other classics) that I loved the idea of being a detective, buuuuut I could never see myself as an actual cop. I may have loved the idea but it was never actually a dream. Becoming a pediatric nurse had been my dream since I was about 12 and really started getting sick. There was this one particular nurse at my pediatrician’s office that helped make my visits less daunting. Her compassion, smile, kindness… She was everything I wanted to be for a sick child one day!

Oh, hello water works – didn’t expect to see you here!

As time went on and I got further into school, I really started wondering if I wanted to be either a surgeon or maybe even a medical examiner. There is this book series called, Stalking Jack the Ripper by Kerri Maniscalo that couldn’t be more perfect for me! It’s about this young lady, Audrey Rose Wadsworth, who is essentially a forensic scientist and medical examiner during a time it was absolutely not an acceptable job for a woman, as it’s set in the late 1880’s. The first book in the series was my lucky number 22 for that 10 book reading challenge I kicked ass at [07. Ode to my Mentors]. How appropriate that my now favorite book (series) was the last book in what I consider to be my greatest achievement to date?! Not only that, 22 actually is my favorite and lucky number making it that much more meaningful! <3 Talk about synchronicity!

I may have questioned being a surgeon or an ME but that would require a lot of work, health, dependability, stability and confidence. Things I couldn’t provide. I just didn’t have it in me to try pursuing something that may only lead to major heartbreak, again. Little did I know that life is just filled with heartbreak after heartbreak; you’d think I would have learned that by then… doh.

The wait list for nursing school was so long that I took many random electives to expand my knowledge since I loved learning. I have always been a puzzle girl so discovering forensic science quickly became a new passion and goes right along with the idea of an ME or a detective – figuring out the missing link to a puzzle. It only took one criminalistics lab class and I was hooked! I was still at the community college but got everything set up for transferring to Madonna University to major in Forensic Science and minor in Genetics. I chose Madonna because they are (or were? This was over 12 years ago so idk what’s what nowadays.) the only college in Michigan that had an actual major for Bachelor of Science in Forensic Science. Every other college requires a chemistry major with a forensic minor and that was just not going to work for me…

I like chemistry, don’t get me wrong, but it’s definitely not something I’d like to major in. Ironically there is so much emotion when chemistry comes to mind at this point that it’s kind of a rollercoaster. Before I get to the main culprit for the emotions I have to share some pride, first. I have two incredibly gifted children, the oldest being ALL things science. He decided when he was 7 that he wanted to be a rocket engineer and help put man on Mars. We’re a few years into this and it’s still his dream! However, before that while he was 6 and in the first grade, he started memorizing the periodic table and learning everything he could about all of the elements. When I say he is all things science, I mean it. The kid was the element Oxygen for halloween in second grade… he may be difficult at times but boy do I love him!

Okay, breathe… the culprit for the rollercoaster is that on September 21, 2009 I was in a very serious car accident… on my way to a chemistry class. It was the day we were getting our first exam results back, and to this day I have no idea what I scored. I was turning left getting off the expressway when someone ran a red light at full speed and t-boned my driver’s side door. You know how in movies or shows when there’s an accident everything slows down? When you can see everything happening but there’s nothing you can do for what feels like minutes, when in reality it’s literally mer seconds? Yeah, whoever writes those scenes has clearly, unfortunately, experienced a major accident because that’s legit how it went down. At the last moment I tried turning to the right so the impact wasn’t as bad. The car was totalled and with the extent of my injuries, I don’t even want to fathom how much worse it would have been! When everything slowed down and I knew it was happening, I remember just letting go and letting it happen. I apparently opened the door and yelled a few choice words but didn’t get out of my car. I couldn’t. I apparently was able to call Igor at work and tell him but I only vaguely remember it. I also know I called one of my parents, not sure who, but I remember some older gentleman staying with me talking on my phone as I was trying to describe my health issues. Or maybe he called them? No idea. Then everything went black until I awoke in the ambulance to the EMT cutting my jeans. This is totally trivial and vain but those were my favorite jeans, dammit! They were like the sisterhood of the traveling pants, except the sisterhood was the traveling weight I yo-yoed!

I don’t remember much after waking up during transport but I do know that Igor was Speed Racer and made it from work in Brighton to the hospital before I even arrived. For reference, that’s easily a half hour drive and I was only one mile from the hospital. My mom was scheduled for neck surgery the next day and I remember us both crying because we couldn’t be there for one another. I had gotten a concussion but was never told about it, I found out years later after the lawsuit was finalized and I got all the paperwork from my lawyer! With EDS [06. H.S/ Diagnosis] my left shoulder completely rotated and due to swelling the initial CT scan and MRIs didn’t show it, but I had suffered a spinal injury. We knew something was wrong because I couldn’t feel from the waist down, but I still had some movement. I was stable enough to head home, without answers, after 5 days and barely any memory from the time of the accident through my time in the hospital. I started physical therapy 3 times a week for my shoulder and learning to walk safely without feeling. During the next 3 months sensation slowly started creeping up my left leg and then eventually my right foot on up. However, my right side has never gained 100% full feeling back. After those 3 months I had graduated from PT and roughly 3 months after that I was back getting new MRIs and reaching out to spinal/ neurosurgeons.

During those first 3 months of uncertainty I had to put my forensic plans on hold, leaving me at a complete loss of what to do next. Igor had suggested possibly looking into a quick certification that would allow me to do school remotely while I healed, while also allowing me to work eventually as I continued pursuing my degree in forensics. You see, Igor and I had just gotten engaged ONE month prior to the accident and our engagement timeline was in accordance to my finishing my degree. While unmarried, I qualified for most of my tuition being covered but once we got married that qualification would be kicked to the curb. This accident turned my life plans upside down, breaking my heart, yet again. Being that becoming a nurse most of my life had been my dream, I went the medical assisting route and became a Certified Medical Assistant under the gold standard accreditation of the American Association of Medical Assistants.

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07. Ode to my Mentors

“To mentor is to touch a life forever.” – Unknown

The Plymouth-Canton school district was a great place for education, as long as you fit their mold. As previously mentioned, I struggled in school but the school never helped me. I didn’t qualify for any assistance with special services because while I did have a type of dyslexia and a processing disorder, my test scores were “too good”. My grades weren’t consistent with needing help. The actual words that the school social worker (or whoever it was that did the testing) said were, “Your IQ level is too high. It may be hard for you but you’ve learned a way to overcompensate and make it work.” … uh… cool.

Thankfully I had some incredible teachers and assistant principal on my side. I wasn’t always lucky, though! No, in second grade my teacher was a straight up witch but with a capital B! She was so hard on me but claimed it was because she liked me and knew my potential. Seven/eight years old is such an impressionable age that her hateful words stuck with me. I had the stress and anxiety of trying to be perfect because of what my brother told me, added to being talked down upon by my teacher, that it’s no wonder I struggled to believe in myself. It’s no wonder I am a perfectionist. It’s no wonder I never feel good enough or even see my accomplishments as something to be proud of. It’s no wonder that I stressed over every grade that I had to learn to “overcompensate”. Damn those years were tough!

It’s funny how over time things get buried so deep that you forget what caused you to be the way you are. All I know is that I cried when my son went to second grade because I knew he wasn’t going to have a negative experience like me. Although jokes on me, it was that year Covid-19 took over, but that’s for later. My son’s second grade teacher is one of the most exceptional humans that I have ever been lucky to know! The only other person I could compare her to would be my 8th grade English teacher who literally changed my life. [Laura Doran, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for all that you do to help shape our younger generations into compassionate and successful humans!!! – Hugs! – ]

Since I’ve already briefly mentioned 3 horrible teachers, I’ll leave it at that. They’re not worthy of more mention. However there have been a few noteworthy instructors and I could list them all out, but I really only want to honor three in particular: Jerome Sullivan, Shelby Holcomb and Amy Trombley.

Mr. Sullivan was my middle school vice principal. He was strict and everyone hated him, except Jack and I. Thinking about it, some of my favorite teachers could be considered mean and less favorable to most. Interesting… anyway, Mister Sullivan believed in me. He saw my potential while also believing my struggles. As did my middle school chorus teacher, Mrs. Holcomb and my 8th grade English teacher, Mrs. Trombley. [Huh, I just realized they’re all from middle school, one of the worst seasons in my life.] Mr. Sullivan volunteered his time after school once a week to help me with homework. He read to me. That may not seem like much but it meant everything. He proved he cared by his actions and he didn’t stop there. Once I was in high school he insisted on helping us fight for a 504 plan that would allow me assistance. He attended all of our meetings with my counselor and other administration and vouched for me as my former vice principal. Between his help and my mom fighting like hell, I was finally able to get the assistance I diservered! That same year he took a temp VP job at another one of the three high schools and had lunch duty at mine. Every so often if he noticed me not eating he’d give me a dollar for fries and wouldn’t let me pay him back. People can say what they will but Jerry Sullivan is good people and I’m still so appreciative of him!

When Mrs. Holcomb took you under her wing, you were her student for the long haul. She had my back and really looked out for me. We kept in touch and the last time I saw her was my “high school” graduation party. When she passed her classroom aid made sure I knew so that I could pay my respects to the family and say my goodbyes. She was special to me to begin with but what I learned that day proved how special she was to everyone else, as well.

My last shoutout really deserves her own entry because a few sentences won’t do her justice. Though, I have written so many papers about her over the years that I think she’ll understand. ::wink:: Mrs. Trombley changed my life. Her help and belief in me unblocked something and I’ve never looked back. She was more than a teacher, mentor and friend – she became “Mom #2”. We were so close that some believed I was her adopted daughter. Much like my son’s teacher, Amy gives her heart to everything she does. She has a way of empowering her students to see themselves the way she does. She sees only the good, the potential and never lets you question your abilities. Having struggled in English my entire life I never would have expected to go from a C average in Language Arts to an A, and at times the best of my class! It’s embarrassing to admit but I’ll own it – it wasn’t until she introduced me to ☆🛊 (Stargirl) by Jerry Spinelli that I successfully finished reading my first chapter book. Stargirl will always hold a very dear spot in both of our hearts and the message behind the book needs to be taught to every child, making the world a better place as a result!

To this day she is still a huge part of my life and I credit her for a lot of my accomplishments. After what I went through to get there, she made sure she was in attendance at my college commencements ceremony; the only time I walked across a stage wearing a cap and gown. And has been there for all of life’s biggest moments. I cry thinking about how much love I have for this woman and the impact she has made in my life. 

Others may think I’m crazy but my biggest accomplishment in which I am truly proud of myself, didn’t happen until I was 31. I set a reading goal to read 10 books that year, knowing damn well I likely wasn’t going to achieve it. I have friends trying for 75-100+ books a year and my goal was 10. But you know what? I crushed that goal by 220%!! Not only did I read 10 books in the first 12 WEEKS of the year, I ended the year with 22 (my favorite number) by reading my new favorite book. I will forever be proud of that accomplishment more than anything else. And to think, if it wasn’t for Mrs. Trombley introducing me to Stargirl all those years ago, I may never have learned that I love reading. So what if it did take me until my 30’s, I got there and no one will rain on my parade!