“The vast majority of adults have never met themselves.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana
This next paragraph is what I was initially referencing in my [husband appreciation] post. Where the “—– I have no idea where this is going to fit, however I need to write so I’m writing.” quote came from:
*Back in April 2006 I wrote: “Lately there are times I find myself escaping reality, with hopes to avoid the hardships life brings; and I end up looking away from my goals because I forget to believe.” <– Holy Hell! It’s been 16 years and I’m pretty sure this has been on repeat ever since I first wrote it. It’s actually fucking sad that It’s still relateable… I have worked so damn hard on myself a few times over these past 16 years only to be smacked in the face by my own ghost. What even were/are my goals? I know that I am not living the life I wanted, I’m barely living at all. The thing about always being in fight or flight is the reality of only knowing survival mode. I wonder if I’ll add this <-^-> to my blog/book/whatever TF it ends up as. <- [Evidently I chose: Blog…] Every time I end up in a good place I’m shortly knocked back down. Like, how terrible must I have been in a previous life? This isn’t about learning at this point. I’ve learned gratitude and strength and all that bullshit. There is literally no point as to why I have to deal with this time and time again! Effin’ A!*
^ That said, I have recently entered a new phase, er, [season] if you will, that has left me lost and unsure of what comes next. After I was diagnosed with PMDD things were under control for about a year, until they weren’t. Out of nowhere I spiraled and things went dark, very dark. And scary. FAST! I am so grateful for knowing myself and after years of therapy, that I was able to recognize that I needed intervention and I sought it right away. It took time and the right medication dosage/ combination but I found peace within my mind. I love self-help workbooks, answering questions about myself or how I’m feeling. I guess (and I’m realizing this right now as I type this) that I enjoy writing. Like truly enjoy sharing my truth whether just for myself or whatever, putting pen to paper has always been my go to without realizing it. I like details and therefore like providing details. Interesting… Maybe this is my calling and what I’m meant to do after all. Good thing I started it, huh?
Anyway, ::tangent over:: part of my reaching out for help included asking my therapist if she knew of any workbooks that would allow me to work on myself. More importantly, allow me to find myself, as I had been lost in the sea of -everything else but Jena- for far too long. I didn’t know who I was outside of being a wife, Mom, sick. I knew that inorder to find joy and work through this severe episode of PMDD, I needed to find the missing piece to fill the void in my heart. The void I didn’t really know existed until I realized how empty I was. Michaelene recommended The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive by Christopher Germer and Kristin Neff. OHEMGEE I believe everyone and their mother needs to get this workbook! Of course by ‘mother’ I just mean everyone, because just do it. You’ll thank me later, I know from experience…
But seriously, after only a few chapters into this thing, I felt like an entirely new person. But I wasn’t someone I didn’t recognize or someone else entirely.
No – I was me.
I found a part of me that had been suppressed for most of my life, especially my adult life. It’s honestly mind blowing when you have these crazy revelations let me tell ya. The whole “light bulb” going off feelings is legit. Everything is illuminated in a way you didn’t even know was possible. However, while things were starting to unfold I was still not getting to the true bottom of WHO I really [AM], not just who I had buried… So, since workbooks are my jam, I started to research what other books were out there and came across Becoming Who You Are – A Workbook For Self Discovery + Transformation by Danna Yahav. All I can say is, WOW! SO many rabbit holes to go down, so much unpacking needing to be done. I thought my mind was a crazy ADD spiral of endless loops and turns to begin with, but dannnng. A LOT of mind bending, explosive, endless, rabbit holes. I have also fortunately connected with the author via social media and she affirmed my >bravery<, which I didn’t realize I needed to hear until she said it. <3
With all of the above said, while I love and HIGHLY recommend the mindful self-compassion workbook, if you find yourself on your own {spiritual} quest for discovering yourself, Danna’s workbook is exactly what you need. Just be forewarned and prepared, ha. However, thanks to this specific workbook I am discovering so much about how the lunar cycles in whichever sign it’s passing though actually resonates with me; and thanks to the daily logging I am finding that I am holding myself accountable a lot more and gaining even more confidence to say “EF it, I’m doing it!” In fact, It was through working with this workbook that pushed me to finally start publishing my blog posts publicly!