“What if today, we were just grateful for everything”
– Charlie Brown
Today I am in tears, in awe and left without words as I am filled with gratitude! Irony of course being that as a “writer” – blogger, you kind of need words. They are the essence of your work. For 8 years I have been writing my story, on and off, bits here and pieces there. But it wasn’t so much for others as it was for myself. An outlet to work through trauma. An outlet to uncover hidden darkness within my shadow. An outlet just to vent. Of course, the original copy shall probably be burned or buried as I wasn’t so discreet when it came to not exposing the truths of others. As I wrote, I just wrote to get it out. And when I say wrote, I literally mean pen to paper. It’s actually my preference!
I don’t remember what exactly inspired me to start typing everything up, but as I started typing I quickly realized that imminent changes were dyer. And by changes I don’t mean truths in to lies, but rather rewriting in a way that wasn’t so raw and exposing of others. I am an open book, ask me anything and I will share, however, I do respect others rights to their own privacy. Exposing oneself is one of the most difficult things you can do. It causes you to get to know yourself in ways that challenge every fiber of your existence. It’s not easy, it’s not even close to butterflies and rainbows, but it’s what allows you to discover the real you. It allows you to free yourself from any shame you may have felt at a given time!!
By owning your truth, no one else has power over you. You are no longer hiding in fear of what others may think. The important thing is that [you] know who you are and it’s a damn good feeling being free! Don’t get me wrong, I still want to throw up due to nerves for doing this, however, what’s been done is done.
Yesterday I made the big announcement, officially letting everyone know about my blog. Sharing what may have once been my secrets, now truths for the world to see. More or less my announcement meant that everyone I know: past, present and future, will discover more about me than they ever imagined. As you get older and make new friends, it’s not easy sharing your past. Adulting is hard enough; being worried what others may think of your past isn’t worth any self doubt! [Hell, realistically nothing is worth self doubt!!] Your past doesn’t define you, all it is, is previous chapters within your life’s story.
Anyone that knows me knows that somewhere along the way I lost any desire to talk on the phone. As a kid/teen I was always on the phone, now? My own husband gets mad when I don’t answer. If I’m not mistaken I have already explained this but I don’t remember where. Long story short: I get physically ill sometimes just talking on the phone due to anxiety. Due to not believing in myself and that I’ll say something wrong or babble and make no sense. Due to fear of being judged. Due to past trauma that left me broken. Since gaining the confidence and strength to publish this blog, I have noticed that talking on the phone is getting easier. I am able to make important calls without even thinking, where I would once need to ground myself into just the right frame of mind. My cousin joked just last week that, “you know life is wild when Jena calls you on the phone twice in one week.” It was then that I realized I wasn’t as affected by it.
I actually just had a zoom call with a ::complete stranger:: and never once did I feel beneath them. I wasn’t even nervous leading up to the call until just minutes before. I quickly grabbed my Light Seer’s deck and pulled the King of Cups; I was instantly grounded and reminded of my worth! (If you are unfamiliar with tarot, click here to read and learn more about this specific card and maybe you’ll understand how it saved me in the moment!) After that zoom call I was on cloud nine… then broke down.
I am humbled by the numbers I’m seeing today. How many of my friends and family actually took the time to check my website out, even if only to lurk without reading a single post. I cannot begin to explain how astounding it feels knowing that what I am doing is worth it. I have always said that, “if my story can help even just -one- person not feel alone, then I have met my purpose”. This journey of self discovery [in Awakening] has changed me within my core. Between that zoom call, all of the words of encouragement and positive feedback I have received in regards to my blog, >>I am sitting here realizing that I myself, just may even be that -one- person!<<
With hugs, love, light, and many blessings, I thank you!!!