Tag: Gratitude

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20. Soul Recognition

“‘Soulmate’ is an overused term, but a true soul connection is very rare and very real.” – Hilary Duff

Back when I first contemplated publishing this blog, I was sitting there one day and was instantly flooded with all these memories from the past. Which makes sense, given that I am sharing my past. But one particular person stood out. The crazy thing is, I hadn’t spoken to this individual in quite some time, which is ironic given we used to talk every single day for years!  For some reason that day I had an overwhelming sense of needing to reach out, say hello and wish them well. I have no idea what was going on in their life at that time but intuition led me there and I listened. 

It’s easily been 5 months since I said something on Facebook, and after doing so the thoughts and memories faded as I dug in full force; pumping out post after post. There was no follow up and as strange as it sounds- it’s almost as if saying something to them released their part of my story, as I haven’t included them yet in my writing. Which again, is incredibly weird as they were such an important person in my life for so, so long! Out of sight, out of mind? No, that can’t be right because they do cross my mind, we have years of memories! 

They fall under the [11. Childhood Friendships+] category, but for some reason I only included Lauren, Jessie and then HS friends, since Marion had her own post with [10. Twin Flame]. The first time I really spoke of any guys in my life was when I talked about Kevin being my best friend in [09. First Love]; but there is {absolutely} someone else who held that title first! Someone who was there for me through all the ups and downs, the heartbreaks of both relationships and friendships. Someone I loved and cared for so deeply that I refused to let >feelings< get in the way and -ruin- everything. I mean, they were practically family! Hell, he even went to my dance recital in 7th grade!

While Kevin may have [physically] been the “boy next door”, Will(y) was the true definition in terms of one repressing their own feelings, while also knowing how the other truly felt about them, until it was too late. 

I have to admit that it is strange to call Will, “Will” and not Willy. When I think back to the little boy that I went to daycare -and- preschool with, it’s Willy! We had that young childhood friendship where the adults always joked about us getting married one day, even though it was his cousin who I remember kissing in preschool, haha! <- seriously, I was terrible! ::hidesInshame:: I cannot believe how freely I kissed people growing up; especially when feelings weren’t involved!! ::ShakesHeadAfterFaceMeetsPalm::again:: Once we were off to elementary school our friendship kind of just ended, which… is really sad if you think about it! 

Every relationship we get into is some kind of soul connection. People have this notion that a [soulmate] is your “one and only” but in actuality, a soulmate is anyone you feel a deep, safe connection with!! It can be a family member, a best friend, a stranger off the street. For those who believe in past lives or even just that our souls are more than what’s in our physical beings; it could be that when you feel that intense connection, you recognize them from >another time<. Kind of like how I explained Kelly, [Friendships Pt. 2] she’s an extension of myself; a soulmate on a whole different plane of friendship. 

This past week I have come to realize that I hadn’t discussed Will yet, because the timing wasn’t right! I left that comment for him months ago, but it wasn’t until this past week that he actually saw it and reached out. When he did, that instant feeling of comfort washed over me. A giddiness of feelings of joy; like when you find something you thought was lost forever because you’ve searched high and low for it, only to discover it months later somewhere you’d never expect!  This past week I have felt this deep rooted {wholeness}, and recognize Will(y) as part of my soul’s circle, if you will. He was always meant to be in my life and it’s even more evident now, looking back at all of the times we’ve reconnected. 

We lost touch when we were 5, so how did he come back into my life? Well, it involves more synchronicity, of course. In ‘99, a 2.5 million dollar anonymous donation was made for 5th graders across the [entire] Plymouth-Canton, Van Buren and Taylor school districts, to attend Space Camp for a week!!  Some schools went to Florida, others Alabama or California, like myself and Will. One of the first days there, in a little off-white hallway, standing across from one another, we each had a sense of familiarity anytime we looked at one another. It was Will who spoke up first and figured out that we actually did know one another. <- I’m not the only one with a crazy ability to remember… (al)most everything. I could be mistaken but I believe we were both waiting for medication, ooooor maybe it was to make a phone call? My mom was -extremely- ill at the time, like – almost died, so I spent a lot of time with the counselors as I spoke with family during the down times. Being from different schools we had different groups, but we did see each other often and spoke whenever we could. Just before leaving he had a friend deliver me a note, expressing his feelings and disdain for my “boyfriend” at the time, along with his number to stay in touch. Ha. Boyfriend. In 5th grade, for 6 months. My kid is going into 5th grade next year and either times have changed or he’s just so 2E [Twice Exceptional] that anything like that goes way above his head. I actually could see both being true considering the cards/notes my kindergartener brings home… ::shiftyeyes::

Annnyway. We stayed in touch and talked literally every day. I don’t know how much we saw each other that first summer but as luck would have it, we ended up at the same middle school together. We didn’t have many classes together but we passed notes often. We actually even had a notebook at one point that we’d pass back and forth. And knowing me, I likely still have it packed away in the plethora of “remember” boxes that I took from my Mom’s house before she moved. I know that he wanted more out of our friendship, but he also understood and respected the boundaries. We tried once for a very short time, but I suck and became a <heart/breaker3. Oh man did his sister hate me after that one. She didn’t like me much to begin with and I don’t think we saw common ground until we were older and hung out via Kelly. I just didn’t want to lose him and the connection we had. There was always just a deeper understanding of one another. Which >all< makes sense now that I believe our souls were connected before this lifetime. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can call me crazy or whatever but it’s what feels true within me. It’s just an unexplainable feeling of comfort, wholeness, an extension of oneself. I have no idea if he feels the same, but I’d like to think so.

The problem is, I felt like I had this… I don’t want to say “ownership” but maybe claim? over him. Him and Marion also dated briefly and it sort of gutted me. It wasn’t a feeling of jealousy in the sense that I wanted him for myself, but almost like my “evil twin” was out to get me. Which again, looking back at the concept of [10. Twin Flames] it would make total sense that he’d see things in her, that he did with me. And by NO means am I calling her my evil twin, nor do I believe she did anything out of spite or sinister, it just adds to the yin and yang of it all. I hated it and it was definitely a time that rocked the boat between her and I. In high school when Kev and I got back together on a more serious level, my friendship with Will became almost nonexistent, especially after he started dating this girl whom I really, really didn’t like! Rightfully so, however, she not only broke his heart, she stabbed him in the back with the same knife she used to break it. I don’t wanna be one to hold a grudge but I still get steam coming out of my ears when I think about her. {Ha, so a real quick -six degrees of Kevin Bacon- moment, she ended up dating that guy my mom tried to hook me up with before I met Igor [14. Forever & Always] and it didn’t end well for her. Karma?}

I honestly don’t know how it happened or why it stopped just as quickly as it started – but we reconnected shortly after high school and hung out a few times. I’ll have to see if he remembers more about that time. Anyway,  I remember I went bowling with him and his friends (most of whom I hadn’t seen since middle school) and he went to dinner with Mom, [08.Auntie] and I. Auntie always loved him but she had a hard time accepting the new “grown up” -metal-head- version of him. I can’t help but look back and smile thinking about when she asked him, “why?” when she saw his appearance and went on about how he “used to be so cute, why’d he do that to himself?” Ha. They say [out of the mouths of babes (young kids)] but sometimes it’s also [out of the mouths of seniors] – older generations have zero filter with zero fks given!

Outside of the random text/update within either the group chat with my parents, or another group text with my cousin Sara and Jenna [Friendships pt. 2], I -don’t- talk to anyone outside of my household on a daily basis! I used to be much more social but as I’ve gotten older, between motherhood and the pandemic, I have become more of an [absent] friend than ever… I know that my true friends/family understand and I love them more than I could ever possibly express, but I do still feel bad. Friendship is a two-way street, so I am forever grateful for those who accept my absence because they >know< that nothing is wrong, “life happens” and that I am just a phone call or text away, shall they need to talk! That said, we have been texting a little each day and it’s been a great reminder of the friendship we once had! Obviously I don’t expect it to stay an ‘everyday’ thing but it’s fun catching up after 15-16 years!

He doesn’t live in Michigan anymore but is looking to visit this summer. He said I should hold him accountable to make sure we meet up, he’d be sad if we didn’t. Of course, that was {after} I said, “I’d be disappointed, sad and down right pissed if he came to town and we didn’t see each other!” Haha. I know my mom would love to see him; with her infamous need to give everyone a nickname, she picked, “Wanka” for him, naturally. ::shakeshead:: However, I’m actually -really- excited to introduce him to Igor and the boys!! Will and Igor both like to discuss deeper meaning, understanding and theories of things, yet rarely get the chance to with anyone else who’s open minded/can see things from different points of views, without getting offended. They’re both quiet and shy yet I have a feeling this discussion will have them both talking freely and it’ll be great for the both of them!! It’s been over 30 years since we first became friends and I really am grateful for whatever sent me to reach out to him! Thank you Willy for still being you! ::hugs::

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Gratitude!

“What if today, we were just grateful for everything”
– Charlie Brown

Today I am in tears, in awe and left without words as I am filled with gratitude! Irony of course being that as a “writer” – blogger, you kind of need words. They are the essence of your work. For 8 years I have been writing my story, on and off, bits here and pieces there. But it wasn’t so much for others as it was for myself. An outlet to work through trauma. An outlet to uncover hidden darkness within my shadow. An outlet just to vent. Of course, the original copy shall probably be burned or buried as I wasn’t so discreet when it came to not exposing the truths of others. As I wrote, I just wrote to get it out. And when I say wrote, I literally mean pen to paper. It’s actually my preference!

I don’t remember what exactly inspired me to start typing everything up, but as I started typing I quickly realized that imminent changes were dyer. And by changes I don’t mean truths in to lies, but rather rewriting in a way that wasn’t so raw and exposing of others. I am an open book, ask me anything and I will share, however, I do respect others rights to their own privacy. Exposing oneself is one of the most difficult things you can do. It causes you to get to know yourself in ways that challenge every fiber of your existence. It’s not easy, it’s not even close to butterflies and rainbows, but it’s what allows you to discover the real you. It allows you to free yourself from any shame you may have felt at a given time!!

By owning your truth, no one else has power over you. You are no longer hiding in fear of what others may think. The important thing is that [you] know who you are and it’s a damn good feeling being free! Don’t get me wrong, I still want to throw up due to nerves for doing this, however, what’s been done is done.

Yesterday I made the big announcement, officially letting everyone know about my blog. Sharing what may have once been my secrets, now truths for the world to see. More or less my announcement meant that everyone I know: past, present and future, will discover more about me than they ever imagined. As you get older and make new friends, it’s not easy sharing your past. Adulting is hard enough; being worried what others may think of your past isn’t worth any self doubt! [Hell, realistically nothing is worth self doubt!!] Your past doesn’t define you, all it is, is previous chapters within your life’s story.

Anyone that knows me knows that somewhere along the way I lost any desire to talk on the phone. As a kid/teen I was always on the phone, now? My own husband gets mad when I don’t answer. If I’m not mistaken I have already explained this but I don’t remember where. Long story short: I get physically ill sometimes just talking on the phone due to anxiety. Due to not believing in myself and that I’ll say something wrong or babble and make no sense. Due to fear of being judged. Due to past trauma that left me broken. Since gaining the confidence and strength to publish this blog, I have noticed that talking on the phone is getting easier. I am able to make important calls without even thinking, where I would once need to ground myself into just the right frame of mind. My cousin joked just last week that, “you know life is wild when Jena calls you on the phone twice in one week.” It was then that I realized I wasn’t as affected by it.

I actually just had a zoom call with a ::complete stranger:: and never once did I feel beneath them. I wasn’t even nervous leading up to the call until just minutes before. I quickly grabbed my Light Seer’s deck and pulled the King of Cups; I was instantly grounded and reminded of my worth! (If you are unfamiliar with tarot, click here to read and learn more about this specific card and maybe you’ll understand how it saved me in the moment!) After that zoom call I was on cloud nine… then broke down.

I am humbled by the numbers I’m seeing today. How many of my friends and family actually took the time to check my website out, even if only to lurk without reading a single post. I cannot begin to explain how astounding it feels knowing that what I am doing is worth it. I have always said that, “if my story can help even just -one- person not feel alone, then I have met my purpose”. This journey of self discovery [in Awakening] has changed me within my core. Between that zoom call, all of the words of encouragement and positive feedback I have received in regards to my blog, >>I am sitting here realizing that I myself, just may even be that -one- person!<<

With hugs, love, light, and many blessings, I thank you!!!

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07. Ode to my Mentors

“To mentor is to touch a life forever.” – Unknown

The Plymouth-Canton school district was a great place for education, as long as you fit their mold. As previously mentioned, I struggled in school but the school never helped me. I didn’t qualify for any assistance with special services because while I did have a type of dyslexia and a processing disorder, my test scores were “too good”. My grades weren’t consistent with needing help. The actual words that the school social worker (or whoever it was that did the testing) said were, “Your IQ level is too high. It may be hard for you but you’ve learned a way to overcompensate and make it work.” … uh… cool.

Thankfully I had some incredible teachers and assistant principal on my side. I wasn’t always lucky, though! No, in second grade my teacher was a straight up witch but with a capital B! She was so hard on me but claimed it was because she liked me and knew my potential. Seven/eight years old is such an impressionable age that her hateful words stuck with me. I had the stress and anxiety of trying to be perfect because of what my brother told me, added to being talked down upon by my teacher, that it’s no wonder I struggled to believe in myself. It’s no wonder I am a perfectionist. It’s no wonder I never feel good enough or even see my accomplishments as something to be proud of. It’s no wonder that I stressed over every grade that I had to learn to “overcompensate”. Damn those years were tough!

It’s funny how over time things get buried so deep that you forget what caused you to be the way you are. All I know is that I cried when my son went to second grade because I knew he wasn’t going to have a negative experience like me. Although jokes on me, it was that year Covid-19 took over, but that’s for later. My son’s second grade teacher is one of the most exceptional humans that I have ever been lucky to know! The only other person I could compare her to would be my 8th grade English teacher who literally changed my life. [Laura Doran, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for all that you do to help shape our younger generations into compassionate and successful humans!!! – Hugs! – ]

Since I’ve already briefly mentioned 3 horrible teachers, I’ll leave it at that. They’re not worthy of more mention. However there have been a few noteworthy instructors and I could list them all out, but I really only want to honor three in particular: Jerome Sullivan, Shelby Holcomb and Amy Trombley.

Mr. Sullivan was my middle school vice principal. He was strict and everyone hated him, except Jack and I. Thinking about it, some of my favorite teachers could be considered mean and less favorable to most. Interesting… anyway, Mister Sullivan believed in me. He saw my potential while also believing my struggles. As did my middle school chorus teacher, Mrs. Holcomb and my 8th grade English teacher, Mrs. Trombley. [Huh, I just realized they’re all from middle school, one of the worst seasons in my life.] Mr. Sullivan volunteered his time after school once a week to help me with homework. He read to me. That may not seem like much but it meant everything. He proved he cared by his actions and he didn’t stop there. Once I was in high school he insisted on helping us fight for a 504 plan that would allow me assistance. He attended all of our meetings with my counselor and other administration and vouched for me as my former vice principal. Between his help and my mom fighting like hell, I was finally able to get the assistance I diservered! That same year he took a temp VP job at another one of the three high schools and had lunch duty at mine. Every so often if he noticed me not eating he’d give me a dollar for fries and wouldn’t let me pay him back. People can say what they will but Jerry Sullivan is good people and I’m still so appreciative of him!

When Mrs. Holcomb took you under her wing, you were her student for the long haul. She had my back and really looked out for me. We kept in touch and the last time I saw her was my “high school” graduation party. When she passed her classroom aid made sure I knew so that I could pay my respects to the family and say my goodbyes. She was special to me to begin with but what I learned that day proved how special she was to everyone else, as well.

My last shoutout really deserves her own entry because a few sentences won’t do her justice. Though, I have written so many papers about her over the years that I think she’ll understand. ::wink:: Mrs. Trombley changed my life. Her help and belief in me unblocked something and I’ve never looked back. She was more than a teacher, mentor and friend – she became “Mom #2”. We were so close that some believed I was her adopted daughter. Much like my son’s teacher, Amy gives her heart to everything she does. She has a way of empowering her students to see themselves the way she does. She sees only the good, the potential and never lets you question your abilities. Having struggled in English my entire life I never would have expected to go from a C average in Language Arts to an A, and at times the best of my class! It’s embarrassing to admit but I’ll own it – it wasn’t until she introduced me to ☆🛊 (Stargirl) by Jerry Spinelli that I successfully finished reading my first chapter book. Stargirl will always hold a very dear spot in both of our hearts and the message behind the book needs to be taught to every child, making the world a better place as a result!

To this day she is still a huge part of my life and I credit her for a lot of my accomplishments. After what I went through to get there, she made sure she was in attendance at my college commencements ceremony; the only time I walked across a stage wearing a cap and gown. And has been there for all of life’s biggest moments. I cry thinking about how much love I have for this woman and the impact she has made in my life. 

Others may think I’m crazy but my biggest accomplishment in which I am truly proud of myself, didn’t happen until I was 31. I set a reading goal to read 10 books that year, knowing damn well I likely wasn’t going to achieve it. I have friends trying for 75-100+ books a year and my goal was 10. But you know what? I crushed that goal by 220%!! Not only did I read 10 books in the first 12 WEEKS of the year, I ended the year with 22 (my favorite number) by reading my new favorite book. I will forever be proud of that accomplishment more than anything else. And to think, if it wasn’t for Mrs. Trombley introducing me to Stargirl all those years ago, I may never have learned that I love reading. So what if it did take me until my 30’s, I got there and no one will rain on my parade!