18. This Ain’t a Fairytale

“I’m a hopeless romantic and I believe that you can find love in many different places and be very conflicted. I’ve discovered as I’ve grown up that life is far more complicated than you think it is when you’re a kid. It isn’t just a straightforward fairytale.”
– Rachel McAdams

I left off with Igor and I, having the most amazing NYE entering into 2009. <3 [16. Year One] The next morning? Let’s just say… there were earthshattering bombs upon my heart, when revelations came to light. Remember when I had said that we had both been keeping some things to ourselves? Yeah, mine had come out earlier but Igor probably would have kept his to himself even longer, had he not [slipped] and said something that led to more questions and prying of answers. You know when you catch someone guilty of something and they don’t know how to respond because they don’t want to lie but also don’t want to talk about it? We entered into that exact type of situation.

Turns out, “Mr. I’m Not Looking To Date” had actually been on a [few] dates just within the 2-3 months prior. ::boom;heartbreak:: all the while I believed we were getting closer, especially after seeing Wicked. Talk about having your cake and eating it, too (at the expense of your “best friend”)! I walked away from him and locked myself in the bathroom and just bawled my eyes out. I have no idea how long I was actually in there but, homeboy stayed in my room the entire time. When I was composed enough and able to, I kicked him out. I told him that I was so thrown, shocked, not to mention the feelings of betrayal. It was too much! I expressed that, at that point in time, I didn’t know if we could even be friends. I needed him to go and leave me alone. To give me a few weeks and maybe then I’d be able to talk. At least I wasn’t the only one in tears as he walked out the door. I’m glad he felt bad because I didn’t deserve being treated like that!!

So what was I keeping to myself? The fact that Kevin [09. First Love] started texting me again while I was in Seattle. Him and that girl who came between us were ‘broken up’ and it felt nice having the distraction for the both of us. However, by mid-late November I came forward with the truth when I -thought- Igor and I were legitimately becoming something more serious again. Kevin had kissed me and it left me in a total mind fk. In fact, my [Dear Cuz] post – she is who I called right after I got home because I was in total shock. And confused. Oh, so, so confused! Like, I was madly in love with Igor but this was Kevin. It had -always- been Kevin… >prior< to meeting Igor that is. So, that’s when I came forward and told him. I felt it was only fair that he knew the truth because we were technically still “broken up” but our relationship was so much more. However, I needed to know if it was finally time to let him go and allow myself to continue talking to someone I had over 12 years of history with!

Wouldn’t you think that would have been the perfect time to confess about his talking to other women and actually going on a few different dates? I mean, you’d think so, right? No, but you see, it was shortly after my honesty of Kevin kissing me that the Wicked tickets were presented to me. This time, it seemed as though my ‘doing the right thing’ by telling the truth of kissing another guy was in my favor. I stopped communicating with Kevin the way we had been and put the friendship boundary back up. Joke was on me though, apparently Kev and his girlfriend had been fighting but never actually broke up. From Aug. – Nov. I was being played by 2 different guys I had loved so deeply. By the time I had found out about Kev, Igor and I were actually back together and I honestly didn’t care. It was a nice distraction and familiar comfort. Although, I -did- end up {caring} but not for the reasons you would think… In fact, you’ll likely be shocked when I finally explain why that is, I know most of my friends and family were! Ha.

Okay, back to my Isgees. Not talking to him that second day destroyed me. How could just 2 nights ago have been one of the best nights we’d ever had? Laughing until our bellies hurt from playing the game Mad Gab. Such unspoken love (hell, even verbally expressed love) and connection from just a simple touch or eye contact. I had been through some shit [13. Survivor], but this one hurt more than anything else. By day three I couldn’t take it and sent him a text. Just 2 simple words as a reminder of the fun we had NYE: “mash ews”. He replied with a smiley face and “good imes”. <-not a typo, ‘imes’ is correct. That was that. I think we spoke once on the phone around day 5 or 6 for just a few minutes but that was the last time we spoke until day 10. To go from talking multiple times a day, every day, to once in almost 2 weeks. Yeah, it sucked!! 

January 10th, 2009 – Michigan decided to have a sweet ice storm unexpectedly. While it snowed, a lot, nothing really accumulated, just made for terrrrrible driving conditions. I mention this because I recieved what seemed to be an [urgent] phone call from Igor, wondering if I had anything going on that day, seeing if he could come over. That he -had- to talk to me!! He lived in White Lake at the time, which is a sold 30-40 minutes on a good day, depending on time of day. I obviously asked him if he was crazy because there was >no way< I would want him driving in those conditions, especially given the distance!! I told him I appreciated it but that we’d talk another day.

But see, the thing about Mom’s house was that the door was always open for those to come in. Rarely did someone knock on the door and wait to be let in, once they’ve been given the permission of just coming and going. Seeing as how often Igor had been staying over, that same “rule” had always applied to him.  A little over an hour after hanging up with him, Mom and I had one heck of a scare when Tanner (my dear beloved pup [rip]) barked and quickly ran to the door. Low and behold: Igor P. (<- Soo quick funny story; P. is not even his initial. Mom had come across this website that listed likely known family members and we were just putzing around one evening. In looking up Igor, everything associated with his family,  his correct age, old addresses – everything was listed as Igor P. It quickly became a joke/nickname for years to come. BUT!! The best part? We have actually gotten mail for “Igor P.” and I about die laughing every time! Haha.)

I was shocked! Excited but also… mad. I had so many feelings but ultimately I was happy to see him; I really did miss him. So whyy did he find it absolutely necessary to head over during an ice storm? What was SO urgent that he couldn’t wait? He made plans for us to go ice skating. He had even planned on stopping to get flowers but the roads were worse than he thought and decided not to take that extra time/risk. Huh? I had been talking about wanting to go ice skating for a while at that point and he had never been. I myself had only been once years prior with an old friend. I loved it and always wanted to go again. He found a place that had open skate not too far from Mom’s house and wanted to take me. I repeat, huh?! I was so confused, you could tell he was nervous, I didn’t really know what to think at that point. I asked him why and didn’t he initially want to talk? Like, I just told you less than 2 weeks ago I didn’t even know if I could be your friend, to give me time and yet here you are with this grand gesture? WTF is going on?!!

We sat down in the livingroom where he proceeded to tell me that the past 10 days were hell for him. The thought of me not being a part of his life was not a feeling he ever wanted to face again. During the days of not talking he had a lot of time to reflect on the past 10 months and realized that he had -never- been happier in his life. That I have brought out the best in him, saw him for who he really was, respected him, opened his eyes to a world he never imagined with feelings he never knew were possible. When he pictured his future – all of the good, the bad, the adventures, the day to day of daily life, [ I ] was who he saw beside him. I was the person he knew >without a shadow of doubt<, the person meant to be in his life, {for good}!! He was very naive and inexperienced at first and it took him time to see that. This was the first real big decision he made for [himself] that he no longer allowed his parents’ thoughts/feelings to have any influence over. It was -me- he loved. It was -me- he wanted. It was -me- that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. So, if I could find it in my heart to forgive him, he wanted to right his wrongs and officially be together again. ::CueTearsJustThinkingAboutIt:: I accepted his apology and we had an incredible time ice skating.

Now I can say: “from that day forward they lived happily ever after. <3”

Well, in terms of being together at least. Life’s a rollercoaster and happiness isn’t [always] the feeling of the moment, but together we’ll ride the ride until the end, hand in hand.