Tag: First Love

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19. No Frenemies Here

“Friendship can be found in the most unlikely places if you’re willing to open your heart.”
– Lisa Currie

In [18. This Ain’t a Fairytale] I mentioned that while I didn’t care that Kevin had lied to me, I did ultimately end up caring in the end for reasons you wouldn’t expect.

Somewhere in the earlier months of 2009, I received an instant message from someone I never expected. Someone I genuinely hated at one point in time. I mean, I named my Mom’s deformed guppies (the ones that were so inbred they looked like the letter S) after this person… ::cringes:: – Hey, I was young and upset and feel terrible now looking back, while still finding it a bit hilarious because this person ended up becoming one of my really good friends. You know the friendships where you can go months, even years without really speaking or seeing one another and it’s as if -no- time has passed at all, you’re still just as connected? Who knew that a friendship like that could blossom out of the ashes of prior circumstances!?! 

The instant message I received was asking about the last time I had spoken to Kevin, as he apparently had saved photos of me on his computer. At this point Igor and I were back together and I didn’t know when I last spoke to him, but was honest about that previous fall. This conversation led to a luncheon to discuss everything. A luncheon with someone I’d easily have put money down in favor of never happening. I suppose it’s a good thing I don’t gamble, right?

If you haven’t figured out who I’m talking about yet, meet Kim; the girl who initially came between Kevin and I, and ultimately the cause of the final collapse of mine and Kevin’s friendship all together. 

See, when Kev first started texting me while I was in Seattle (that previous August), he and Kim were still together. And I knew that. At first we were just catching up, that then led to reminesting and [innocent] flirting. However, flirting with someone knowing that they are in a relationship, no matter how “innocent” it may seem, is >never< okay and I fully admit my wrong doing!! At the time though I really didn’t care because, well, it was Kevin and I certainly wasn’t a Kim fan to begin with. As time went on his texts weren’t as innocent, with follow up replies such as, “What Mama don’t know won’t hurt.” – Yeah, no, I put off hanging out.

Knowing our history, I didn’t want to be in a situation where feelings took over, taking things too far while he was in another relationship. Because, in order of staying truthful I have to admit that it wouldn’t have been the first time, and I swore to him I wouldn’t be that girl again. Not after what I went through with Christopher. [13. Survivor] I couldn’t be the cause of that type of pain for someone else, no matter what my feelings were towards them! Kev and I were magnets to one another, like an addiction; he was my drug and it was easier(safer?) just maintaining distance. Neither of us had the control to stop things in the past and by allowing that to happen, it sent him down that type of path for future relationships. <- Though I do not take blame for that, his actions were(are) his own; I was just the beginning. I don’t know what really went down between them for him to tell me they broke up, but he was very convincing which is why I finally agreed to hanging out…

He was back living with his parents; talk about deja vu! Though, I have to admit it felt damn good hearing how excited his mother was when she -thought- she heard my voice, only to come running with open arms like a giddy school girl who hadn’t seen their best friend in a week! His mom and I had a special bond, she used to tell me to come by for a drink or just to hang out even when Kev and I weren’t together. Of course I never took her up on it, but it was nice knowing she still cared about me! When my mom moved I came across a VHS of his kindergarten graduation that must have gotten lost in the shuffle of day to day, way back when. I mailed it to her with a note expressing how as a mother myself, I know how special these memories are and that it was only right that she get it back. I never heard anything so I can only hope she actually received it, ha. ::crossesfingers::

As I said, we were magnets towards one another, or rather a moth to a flame may be a more accurate metaphor. We were just hanging out, laughing and the next thing I knew he leaned over and kissed me. And like I admitted in [18. This Ain’t a Fairytale] ‘I was in total shock. And confused. Oh, so, so confused!’ He sat back and apologized. I smiled and told him it was fine; not a big deal, only for him to then lean in again…oy. Based on what I mentioned above, how was it that it ended there? I’d like to say maturity but in truth I honestly don’t know what would have happened had I not received a phone call, pulling me back into reality. ::FaceMeetHandsHidingInShame:: That phone call? That phone call was the source of my utter confusion at that moment. Why? Because it was Igor asking if he could stay over. He had just finished soccer, was really tired and didn’t think he’d make the hour+ drive back home safely. Obviously I couldn’t say no to that, no way would I be the cause of him risking his safety! So, Kevin and I awkwardly said our goodbyes and I headed home.

Oooookay, fast forward to that luncheon with Kim… When she told me that her and Kevin had still been together, [girl code] set in! She didn’t deserve it, she needed to know the truth. Even if that meant risking and losing someone who was quite literally in my life from ages 8-21. It could also once again be synchronicity that I was forthcoming because by doing so, it was the final fall for Kev and I. Whether I knew it {sub}consciously or not, telling Kim everything was for the best, as it allowed for that [major] chapter in my life to finally come to an end! As much as I loved him, our relationship was toxic and it took me a long time to see it. 

She didn’t know the extent of our relationship, just that I was the ‘ex-girlfriend’. All of my -hatred- for her wasn’t her fault; she was just as in the dark in the beginning as I was at the end. Sitting there that day, I came to realize what an incredible person she really was! She never once blamed me and from that day forward, she was who’s side I was on. It took her some time to really see the toxicity of their relationship as well, but ultimately she found the right guy!! It’s amazing how life works out – to go from hating someone to becoming such good friends you attend each other’s weddings? I honestly never would have thought it possible! Obviously she too falls under the “after high school most noteworthy” from [Friendships pt. 2] but -our- story required so much more to be explained. 

After I first went public with my blog she messaged me in awe over my strength to tell my story. As a social worker she knows how hard it is speaking your truth and expressed how proud of me she was. She also admitted that the [09. First Love] post put her in “all kinds of feels” stating: “I am so sorry I caused so much pain for you at that time! I had no idea. But I will NEVER forget meeting you for the first time for lunch at Max and Ermas. ❤️ There will always be this beautiful connection and bond with us and I’m so grateful for how sweet and kind and embracing you were to me, when you had absolutely no reason to be.”

The thing is, she’s right, I had absolutely no reason to be but you know what? She also has absolutely >nothing< to apologize for!!! I am so grateful for our friendship and the strength we both developed leaning on one another for support! Like the quote above says, friendship really -can- be found in the most unlikely of places!

**Love & miss you, Kimmy! Let’s get the boys out on their first boat ride this summer & maybe even teach them to fish! I know you’re the girl to call! 😉 Maybe they’ll even be lucky enough to find an owl ring for themselves, haha!**

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18. This Ain’t a Fairytale

“I’m a hopeless romantic and I believe that you can find love in many different places and be very conflicted. I’ve discovered as I’ve grown up that life is far more complicated than you think it is when you’re a kid. It isn’t just a straightforward fairytale.”
– Rachel McAdams

I left off with Igor and I, having the most amazing NYE entering into 2009. <3 [16. Year One] The next morning? Let’s just say… there were earthshattering bombs upon my heart, when revelations came to light. Remember when I had said that we had both been keeping some things to ourselves? Yeah, mine had come out earlier but Igor probably would have kept his to himself even longer, had he not [slipped] and said something that led to more questions and prying of answers. You know when you catch someone guilty of something and they don’t know how to respond because they don’t want to lie but also don’t want to talk about it? We entered into that exact type of situation.

Turns out, “Mr. I’m Not Looking To Date” had actually been on a [few] dates just within the 2-3 months prior. ::boom;heartbreak:: all the while I believed we were getting closer, especially after seeing Wicked. Talk about having your cake and eating it, too (at the expense of your “best friend”)! I walked away from him and locked myself in the bathroom and just bawled my eyes out. I have no idea how long I was actually in there but, homeboy stayed in my room the entire time. When I was composed enough and able to, I kicked him out. I told him that I was so thrown, shocked, not to mention the feelings of betrayal. It was too much! I expressed that, at that point in time, I didn’t know if we could even be friends. I needed him to go and leave me alone. To give me a few weeks and maybe then I’d be able to talk. At least I wasn’t the only one in tears as he walked out the door. I’m glad he felt bad because I didn’t deserve being treated like that!!

So what was I keeping to myself? The fact that Kevin [09. First Love] started texting me again while I was in Seattle. Him and that girl who came between us were ‘broken up’ and it felt nice having the distraction for the both of us. However, by mid-late November I came forward with the truth when I -thought- Igor and I were legitimately becoming something more serious again. Kevin had kissed me and it left me in a total mind fk. In fact, my [Dear Cuz] post – she is who I called right after I got home because I was in total shock. And confused. Oh, so, so confused! Like, I was madly in love with Igor but this was Kevin. It had -always- been Kevin… >prior< to meeting Igor that is. So, that’s when I came forward and told him. I felt it was only fair that he knew the truth because we were technically still “broken up” but our relationship was so much more. However, I needed to know if it was finally time to let him go and allow myself to continue talking to someone I had over 12 years of history with!

Wouldn’t you think that would have been the perfect time to confess about his talking to other women and actually going on a few different dates? I mean, you’d think so, right? No, but you see, it was shortly after my honesty of Kevin kissing me that the Wicked tickets were presented to me. This time, it seemed as though my ‘doing the right thing’ by telling the truth of kissing another guy was in my favor. I stopped communicating with Kevin the way we had been and put the friendship boundary back up. Joke was on me though, apparently Kev and his girlfriend had been fighting but never actually broke up. From Aug. – Nov. I was being played by 2 different guys I had loved so deeply. By the time I had found out about Kev, Igor and I were actually back together and I honestly didn’t care. It was a nice distraction and familiar comfort. Although, I -did- end up {caring} but not for the reasons you would think… In fact, you’ll likely be shocked when I finally explain why that is, I know most of my friends and family were! Ha.

Okay, back to my Isgees. Not talking to him that second day destroyed me. How could just 2 nights ago have been one of the best nights we’d ever had? Laughing until our bellies hurt from playing the game Mad Gab. Such unspoken love (hell, even verbally expressed love) and connection from just a simple touch or eye contact. I had been through some shit [13. Survivor], but this one hurt more than anything else. By day three I couldn’t take it and sent him a text. Just 2 simple words as a reminder of the fun we had NYE: “mash ews”. He replied with a smiley face and “good imes”. <-not a typo, ‘imes’ is correct. That was that. I think we spoke once on the phone around day 5 or 6 for just a few minutes but that was the last time we spoke until day 10. To go from talking multiple times a day, every day, to once in almost 2 weeks. Yeah, it sucked!! 

January 10th, 2009 – Michigan decided to have a sweet ice storm unexpectedly. While it snowed, a lot, nothing really accumulated, just made for terrrrrible driving conditions. I mention this because I recieved what seemed to be an [urgent] phone call from Igor, wondering if I had anything going on that day, seeing if he could come over. That he -had- to talk to me!! He lived in White Lake at the time, which is a sold 30-40 minutes on a good day, depending on time of day. I obviously asked him if he was crazy because there was >no way< I would want him driving in those conditions, especially given the distance!! I told him I appreciated it but that we’d talk another day.

But see, the thing about Mom’s house was that the door was always open for those to come in. Rarely did someone knock on the door and wait to be let in, once they’ve been given the permission of just coming and going. Seeing as how often Igor had been staying over, that same “rule” had always applied to him.  A little over an hour after hanging up with him, Mom and I had one heck of a scare when Tanner (my dear beloved pup [rip]) barked and quickly ran to the door. Low and behold: Igor P. (<- Soo quick funny story; P. is not even his initial. Mom had come across this website that listed likely known family members and we were just putzing around one evening. In looking up Igor, everything associated with his family,  his correct age, old addresses – everything was listed as Igor P. It quickly became a joke/nickname for years to come. BUT!! The best part? We have actually gotten mail for “Igor P.” and I about die laughing every time! Haha.)

I was shocked! Excited but also… mad. I had so many feelings but ultimately I was happy to see him; I really did miss him. So whyy did he find it absolutely necessary to head over during an ice storm? What was SO urgent that he couldn’t wait? He made plans for us to go ice skating. He had even planned on stopping to get flowers but the roads were worse than he thought and decided not to take that extra time/risk. Huh? I had been talking about wanting to go ice skating for a while at that point and he had never been. I myself had only been once years prior with an old friend. I loved it and always wanted to go again. He found a place that had open skate not too far from Mom’s house and wanted to take me. I repeat, huh?! I was so confused, you could tell he was nervous, I didn’t really know what to think at that point. I asked him why and didn’t he initially want to talk? Like, I just told you less than 2 weeks ago I didn’t even know if I could be your friend, to give me time and yet here you are with this grand gesture? WTF is going on?!!

We sat down in the livingroom where he proceeded to tell me that the past 10 days were hell for him. The thought of me not being a part of his life was not a feeling he ever wanted to face again. During the days of not talking he had a lot of time to reflect on the past 10 months and realized that he had -never- been happier in his life. That I have brought out the best in him, saw him for who he really was, respected him, opened his eyes to a world he never imagined with feelings he never knew were possible. When he pictured his future – all of the good, the bad, the adventures, the day to day of daily life, [ I ] was who he saw beside him. I was the person he knew >without a shadow of doubt<, the person meant to be in his life, {for good}!! He was very naive and inexperienced at first and it took him time to see that. This was the first real big decision he made for [himself] that he no longer allowed his parents’ thoughts/feelings to have any influence over. It was -me- he loved. It was -me- he wanted. It was -me- that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. So, if I could find it in my heart to forgive him, he wanted to right his wrongs and officially be together again. ::CueTearsJustThinkingAboutIt:: I accepted his apology and we had an incredible time ice skating.

Now I can say: “from that day forward they lived happily ever after. <3”

Well, in terms of being together at least. Life’s a rollercoaster and happiness isn’t [always] the feeling of the moment, but together we’ll ride the ride until the end, hand in hand.

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09. First Love


“if you will think back of your first love, you will for sure remember a lot of great LITTLE things that will bring so much happiness in you” – Naya River

As I mentioned briefly before, I fell into that 1% of patients who would end up needing a repeat surgery on my knees. Ironically, my physical therapist after my car accident (we’ll get to that…) also fell into that one percent and her birthday was the day after mine! This surgery took place during the summer before my junior year. I had already been having undiagnosed autonomic dysfunction for months but everything amplified to the max after that surgery. My body was in it’s own storm of chaos. 

It was weeks after this surgery that my high school sweetheart and I broke up. Again. No it wasn’t the first time and it wasn’t the last, but it was the beginning of the end. Mind you, he was with me during that surgery – waited with my parents – and was the first one I saw in recovery. He was more than just my boyfriend, he was truly my best friend and had been for years. He had been my rock and the one consistent thing in my life while everything else flipped upside down. The heartbreak from that breakup was beyond shattering. It felt as though I lost a part of my own soul. I was already broken, but it was then that I knew nothing would ever be the same. And it hasn’t.

I have to be honest and say that the thought of going into detail about this relationship makes me wanna throw up. It would be fair to say that my anxiety is off the charts. One, because of how much Kevin meant to me for so long, but also because I don’t want to hurt my husband. I might say/word some things in a way that he may not understand and I fear he might take them the wrong way. However, this is my truth; I will do my best to stay authentic while also respecting Igor’s feelings. I apologize now, babe, if you are hurt in any way!! Please know this was never my intention!

Fahhhh… 

First let me just preface this and thank C.M. Stunich for writing H.A.V.O.C.; it has allowed me to better understand and accept that you can absolutely still love your “first love” while also loving your husband. It may be fiction but it definitely rings true in my heart; and while the following is also fictional, I think what Helen tells Tyler in Sweet Magnolias about first loves, accurately and beautifully sums it up.
“You let them into your heart to whatever degree, that leaves a mark – forever. The people we love first, maybe even before we fully know what it means to be loved, they’re with us from that day forward… and even when you try not to, you measure every person who comes after them against them. So I try to be grateful for what that person taught me about the world and about myself. But not let remembering the first keep me from seeing the next as the… completely unique and utterly marvelous… person they may be.”
^ – I’ve >ALWAYS< said that once you love someone, you’ll always love them – just differently. 

Okay… Kev and I met in elementary school, living 8 houses down from one another. He was a year ahead of me and his brother was a year behind. I ended up becoming good friends with his brother first, strangely enough. I would even go as far to say that I considered him a best friend at one point. I think back to those days and just laugh. I don’t know how or why but the big baggy “MC Hammer” pants were definitely a thing, though being a late 80’s child when I saw Kevin in his baggy pants, all I saw was Aladdin. Ha, ha. Oh the innocence of an 8 year old.

By 6th grade, you know having already.. [blossomed],  I was definitely noticed and receiving attention. I went through so many “boyfriends” in middle school it’s actually humorous to think about. However, I only wanted the attention of one boy – and in 7th grade that wish came true. One day after getting off the bus I was handed a note. Trying to stay cool and hide my fluttering butterflies I waited until I was home to read it. [Notes kind of became our thing for the next 4-5 years and I still have a box of them at my mother’s because I just couldn’t part with them.] That first note expressed his feelings for me and I about died inside. The next few notes, after explaining my shared feelings, were about how much he wanted to make sure he got good grades on his report card so that he could prove that he was responsible enough to have a girlfriend while still taking school and extracurriculars seriously. Then, in November of 2000 I officially became Kevin’s first girlfriend. But you see, we still had to keep it hush as he didn’t want his friends giving him a hard time for dating a [7th grader.] <- Damn girl, where was your self respect? Then, after a few short months he ended things without giving any reason. His brother told me it was because he was embarrassed and didn’t like getting a hard time from his friends. Fk you middle school peer-pressure! But, the notes started up again because he was like a moth to a flame; he couldn’t stay away. At first it was just platonic but obviously that didn’t last. We got back together only for my heart to be ripped out mid summer. Again.

About a month later I was at the local bowling alley for what they called, “Rock’n Bowl”. It was this glow bowling thing they put on for younger teens/tweens. I was with my ever so pushy best friend and she insistently dared me to kiss this boy in the lane next to us, who had been flirting with me all night. I was too chicken shit but between Jessie and his friends, it happened. Kevin, who? Hi, meet Roth. Roth had actually just started working at the skatin’ rink that I just so happened to frequent. It didn’t take long until he asked me out and I accepted. He was the first boy to ever buy me flowers (a dozen red roses for Sweetest Day) just a few short weeks after we started dating. I really cared for Roth but I always kept him at arm’s length because deep down my heart was always Kevin’s. We were together for a little over 6 months and shared “I love yous”. Did I really love him? I don’t know. At the time I sure probably thought so but I also didn’t really understand love. So yes, I’d say I did love him for what I thought/knew love to be at the time. Like I said, I did really care for him and had feelings for him (that whole once you love someone, you always love them kind of thing) for a couple years after we broke up. It took some time but after a few months we were able to be friends again and he was actually my date to my first Homecoming dance, freshman year. He wanted to get back together but I wasn’t interested. I was over boys breaking my heart..

Oh did Kevin hate Roth and vice versa. After Roth and I broke up, Kev and I started “talking” again. Damn flame and lack of self respect. LOL. No, this time I wasn’t letting myself get close enough to allow him to hurt me again. But, he was my best friend and we talked all the time. He pined over me all of my freshman year and I probably took advantage of it. Maybe unconscious revenge? Idk. I’d flirt with him and Roth and whoever else, really. Heck, on the 3rd day of school in 9th grade I made out with a guy named Christopher on the bus. Never met him before that day and our relationship was over before it began. He too pined over me and I probably took advantage of that as well. My mother really cared for Chris even though we were only friends at the time. Those 3 boys wanted my attention and fought each other for it. Not physically but definitely verbally trying to assert their claim for Alpha. Unfortunately for them, my attention lied elsewhere.

I had caught the eye of someone… a bit older; let’s call him Beau. See what I did there? Cheesy puns for days. It’s alright not to laugh, I’m ok with being my only fan. 😉 Alright, moving on, Beau was a manager at the rink and I had known him for a few years as an acquaintance. His sister kind of took me under her wing as a big sister/little sister when Lauren and I were up at the rink all the time in elementary school for her brother’s hockey practice/games. It was actually Beau’s younger brother that I crushed on haaarrd at first, but as did everyone else. The kid was very attractive! Being 5 ½ years older, Beau didn’t initiate anything at first, buuut I made it difficult for him not to. My bad. 

Uh, WAIT! – Yes technically I was ‘jailbait’ but I can honestly (without crossing my fingers) say that nothing R-rated happened between us until I was 17, just a few weeks shy of 18, nearly 4 years after we first started “talking.” We were basically just casually dating whenever I wasn’t in a relationship {aka whenever Kevin and I were on a break} for the next 4 years. He genuinely looked out for me and definitely let me know when he felt I was making wrong choices, almost like an older brother? at times. Except I fell in love at one point. Stupid girl!! No, I know that Beau loved me back but everything was just so complicated given the age difference and the different dynamics of our relationship that we never actually gave our relationship a fair chance. Plus, after we first kissed I realized how much of a mistake it was after my honesty left more heartache in its wake. 

You see, Kevin and I were hanging out a lot more at the end of my 9th grade year and that summer before 10th. We even officially shared our first kiss that summer. <3 First loves, man, let me tell ya! I remember that first kiss, as well as the first kiss once we were officially back together… and because I remember everything I even actually remember our last. Weird. Anywho – that summer was also the summer that Beau and I shared our first kiss. The mistake that led to heartache. 

I thought I was doing the right thing by being honest and telling Kevin what had happened. Apparently not because he was so hurt and angry that he wouldn’t talk to me for like 2 months. To go from talking literally every day to nothing, I was lost. Hurt. Confused. Angry. Heartbroken. Even though I was utterly head-over-heels in love with Kevin, I was more hurt over not having my best friend. Over knowing that I hurt him, while adding one more guy for him to hate. Though, once again, I received a note asking to talk after school. That talk happened on my front porch and ended with us officially getting back together. [That second ‘first kiss’ happened right then and there.] 

Ohhhhh the feels. As I type this I can literally feel what I felt during all of this. My chest is tight, my tummy is fluttering, I can barely catch my breath. Yeah, being an Empath is hard, I don’t recommend it!

We’ll come back to Kevin later… ::Pushes feelings away::