“Accept the fact that some people didn’t intend to let you down. their best is just less than you expected.”
– Thema Davis
This entry is taking a little break from the norm. It is a more personal letter to someone, should they ever cross its path. It will come across as very vague to you unless you know the story, which respectfully is not my story to tell. I may have the new found confidence to blog (or pitch an article to the Huffington Post <- yeah; about that::NervousSideEyes:: ) but I just don’t have what it takes to send this letter myself, atm. I just needed to get it out.
Dearest Cuz,
I have so many things to say and no idea where to begin. It’s probably why I haven’t written to you yet. I’ve been told that I should share my feelings but I have been too bitter. Hurt. Angry. And probably even in denial over the sadness.
What could I possibly say that hasn’t been said before? What could I possibly say that won’t piss you off because you’re tired of hearing about it? What could I possibly say to keep your attention, to read through the anger that may arise? How about my feelings? Will my sharing my -own- feelings [matter enough] for you to “hear it again” but from a different angle? Enough to push past and actually get to the other side of what I need to say? I do certainly hope so, as I believe you have been terribly mistaken about things.
I know that you need help and have emotional issues to work through. I don’t say this bluntly to be harsh, I say it because it’s true; it needs to be said. I love you. I always have and always will, but I have a lot of feelings over various things that do tie together, while at the same time being entirely different. I know as with an addict, mental health also falls in the realm of, “you can’t help them until they’re ready to help themselves.” You are not well. I know you know this, but I also know that you’re not willing to do [everything] you can to actually get the help you need. I just pissed you off, didn’t I? I’m okay with that because it’s the truth. You claim you have tried, you claim that nothing will ever work, you claim that by moving forward you are sacrificing your own mental health. You used to also claim that family meant everything to you and that you would do anything for your family. Let me ask you… if one of those claims can change, why can’t the others?
Your own mental health is very important, I completely respect and validate that! I -know- that you are not well, but where I struggle to understand is why you have alienated yourself due to your own false narratives? Yes, I know mental health is complicated but by creating your own misconceptions, you’re not only hurting others, you’re hurting yourself that much more!! You didn’t give others the chance to be Switzerland, therefore it is not fair to play the victim! I was one of the “others” that you made the decision for. And it hurt. It still hurts. The hurt led to anger, and not addressing it allowed the anger to grow beyond myself and my own feelings. You made that choice, you caused it to happen.
Growing up we were like best friends. In fact, it was me and our relationship that your inpatient therapist believed was vital for your mental health. That you needed me in your life to get better. You were a member of my birthday party, yet you haven’t wished me a “happy birthday” in 5 years. The only time I ever hear from you (which is literally less than once in a blue moon) is when you’re complaining or need my help with something. Even then, never once do you ask how I or the boys are doing. I heard that my vague FB status, that just so happened to be on your wedding day, really hurt you. I won’t deny that it was about your wedding, but let it be known that it had >nothing< to do with -anyone or anything else- other than ::my own:: hurt feelings by you. Given how close we always were growing up, finding out that you had found your wedding dress via a Facebook status update, stung. Hard. And then to not even be invited to your wedding? Oh man, I can’t even hold back the tears as I’m writing this. I understand you were having something small, but not including me? I can’t even…
So yeah, I did write the following: “I’m too nice to actually follow through with whatever petty ideas cross my mind. I so badly want to act on them but I can’t bring myself to stoop to that level. So, this is my passive aggressive way of saying today is going to be haaaard keeping my mouth shut. But I’ll do it…” I apologize that you were upset, but imagine if I actually told you my feelings that day; because by that point, the hurt and devastation left me with such anger that I had to say something. I never meant to cause any hardship on your “big day”, which is exactly why I left it so vague.
Where does this leave us now? I don’t know. I don’t know how to fix what has been broken when the piece that broke away doesn’t want to be mended. I’m here if you do ever decide to take that step, and of course I wish you well. By writing this letter, I release the sadness you’ve brought upon me.
All of my best through love and light,
– Jena