17. Strangers

“It’s sad when friends become enemies. but whats even worse is when they become strangers.”
– Hayley Williams

Have you ever had so much you wanted to say to someone but just couldn’t bring yourself to say it; wondering what the point would even be? I have contemplated writing a letter or email for years but I was still in the grieving process, the anger, the hurt, the confusion. Kind of like my letter to Marion [10.Twin Flame] when she disappeared; but something she told me when we reconnected was that she “consciously chose to do so”. Which is true – when someone stops talking to you without explanation [ghosting] and you’ve tried conveying your feelings just to be met with silence or “I don’t know what to tell you” [gaslighting] – that’s on them, an actual choice they made themselves. Friendships come and go all throughout your life and unfortunately not all friendships are meant to last. People come into your life for a reason when you need them, for whatever reason, and exit when the time is right. Sometimes it’s just mutual disconnect and growing apart, other times it’s out of nowhere and one sided. And yeah it hurts like hell when that happens but honestly, it’s their loss! Sadly I guarantee that everyone has experienced something along those lines a time or two+x and it (always) leaves you insecure, wondering what you did. Am I Right? But here’s the thing, [you] didn’t do anything!!

If someone walks away without explanation and completely ghosts you, they themselves have their own issues to work through. Which, okay that’s fine I can accept, but where I find xtreme annoyance (even anger) is when they’re hypocrites, as they themselves have been through it and needed (your) comfort over how much it hurt. Isn’t the {golden rule} to -treat others- the way -you- want to be treated?! If you didn’t like the way someone treated you, why do the same thing to someone else? Oh, that’s right, people only truly care about themselves. My bad! <- Obviously not everyone, but if the pandemic has done anything, it’s shown people’s true colors of straight up selfishness!

So where does this leave me? I was initially just going to write a straightforward letter and leave it here but then I realized that I actually had two people to write about. I planned to leave the letter with the thought that maybe one day they’d come across it. While the other I was going to give the nitty gritty. I think that I’ll save the letter for another entry and discuss a loss that really cut deep, leaving awkwardness in its wake…

Pattie could have gone under both childhood friends and friendships pt 2. We met when I was 11 and she was 21. She was a waitress at one of the restaurants [08. Auntie] and I frequented oh so often. Over the years she became like an older sister to me and another niece to Auntie, she was family. I saw her more than I saw most of my real family, let’s be honest. I mean, she shared pictures of her breast reduction right there while sitting in a booth next to me. Haha.

For my 14th birthday my friends and I had dinner at her restaurant even though she worked day shifts. She surprised me and brought me a beautiful watch for a gift. She was also a cheerleader in high school [06. HS/Diagnosis] so when I had my very first game, she showed up in the stands with a really cute megaphone lamp for me. When I turned 16 she had someone dress up in the restaurant’s mascot costume and dance around singing happy birthday to me – nothing to be embarrassed about, right? Yeah… I was probably just as red as the costume! She came over while I was getting ready for prom. Her sister and I were 20 & 18 at the time, so she made sure the club we went to for her bachelorette party would allow us in. Igor was in Israel at the time so she took me out for my 21st birthday, bought my first legal drink and bottle of wine. It was funny because by that time she was the manager so when I [didn’t] get carded she was pissed even though we weren’t at her restaurant. At the bar afterwards she made a comment loud enough about being sure to show the bartender my I.D., as he too wasn’t about to ask.<- I don’t know how I should take that? Though I was carded at 32 so I’ll call it even. I was at her wedding and then baby shower for her to then be at my wedding and baby shower. In fact, she even came over the morning of my wedding for a quick hug while I was getting ready. Once I was pregnant she gave me tons of maternity clothes and after finding out I was having a boy, she brought me almost a complete wardrobe from her son. She made the desserts and smash cake for Leighton’s first birthday and brought him back a stuffed animal from Disneyworld when her family went for Christmas. The last time I saw her, in terms of actually hanging out and being you know, friends – was January 2014 when my 9 ½ year old was only 16 months.

So how did we go from her being a part of every major event in my life to [>nothing<]? That’s a damn good question!!! However, here’s the hypocrisy. Her Maid-of-Honor and best friend [ghosted] her! She wrote her a letter and it was brushed off. There must be a MoH curse as it happens far too often. I mean, Marion was mine. However, I’d like to think I broke that curse for Lauren’s wedding [02. Dad & 11. Childhood Friendhsips+] but then again, I was her Matron-of-Honor, not maid. And I’ll be a matron again in my cousin Sara’s – so we’re all good. Oh, speaking of Lauren’s wedding; I know I explained in [02. Dad] that one of the two most memorable fights we had growing up was when she threw a handful of panty liners at me, while simultaneously yelling at me to, “eat pads!” ::classic:: I had already written my speech before she asked me if I was going to include that, I wasn’t. However, what she didn’t know was that I had two panty liners (the same old school, folded up in pink wrapping, like she used 20 years prior) closed in my hand while I was giving my speech. Then at the very end, I ended with, “I only have one more thing to say… Lauren – I love you and please do me a favor… eat pads!” and returned the favor of throwing them in her face. It. Was. The. Best!! Obviously only a select few understood why I did it, but she held it together, not letting herself cry, until that moment. It was probably one of the best ideas I’ve ever had. Haha. Anyway, sorry for randomly going off subject, ADHD is fUn my friends!

Pattie’s son’s 4th birthday was that February and the first of his birthdays that I wasn’t invited to. Her excuse was because the kids invited were older and doing dino digs in sand, she didn’t want us to feel uncomfortable with Leighton so young. Um, okay? Shouldn’t that have been my choice? You’d think she’d give me that option considering how close we were. I really didn’t understand and was hurt. However, Igor mentioned that she may have been “butt-hurt” over a comment I left on a status of her’s. Which, I don’t know if she would have been upset or if maybe she thought she upset me? Idk. She had made a comment about someone using an EBT card (food stamps) at the dollar store while their nails were done and they had an iPhone. I tried to point out that “you can’t judge a book by its cover”. No one really has any idea what is going on in someone else’s life. I understand and agree that people cheat the system, however, just because someone {needs} assistance does that mean they [aren’t allowed] nice things from time to time? I used my mother as an example. Mom is on disability and therefore gets assistance, and obvi Pattie knew this. I pointed out that Mom has a smartphone because she was on a plan with my uncles via their business. My dad and Brian wanted to do something nice for her and got her a Coach wallet one Christmas. Should Mom not carry those things around when she needs to use her EBT card? How is that fair to her? Just because someone sees something from the outside doesn’t give them the right to -judge- the situation…

Was I upset over her comment? No, not really. I was annoyed but by responding with what I did was’t to start anything, it was just shedding light from a different perspective. Playing Devil’s advocate. Over the next few months I’d reach out and see how she was doing, expressed that I missed her, etc. She had recently started a new job around Leighton’s 1st birthday that required a lot of time. I understood that but again, to go from talking all the time and only living 3 minutes away from one another to nothing? She was the one who always wanted to be such a big part of my life! Not that I didn’t want her to be, but you know what I mean. Being older she was the one making the choice to be there for me as I grew up. Around the one year mark of being the only one to reach out and receiving very minimal in return – I finally expressed my feelings. You know that whole “insecure, what did I do” thing that crosses your mind when something like this happens? Yeah, it happened. So I asked if there was anything that I did. I explained how I was hurt and didn’t understand. That I missed her and really wanted to know what was going on/what had happened. I was met with a response as though I was crazy and that nothing happened, she was just busy. Not once did she acknowledge my feelings. Not once did she apologize. In fact her exact words were, “I don’t know what to tell you, I’ve just been busy.” <- yup, definitely felt like a brush off with a side of gaslighting. I mean, posting on Facebook all of the fun adventures you’re having with friends and the kids that you’d normally include me in? Oh, sure. “Busy” I got it.

I stopped making much effort after that. I’d occasionally acknowledge something on Facebook but realistically I didn’t see the point. I was clearly no longer a priority in her life and I wasn’t going to sit around begging for friendship.  I never heard from her. Not until one comment on a picture I posted about a local restaurant that is both an Irish pub and sushi bar, over a year after my blown off attempt at maintaining a relationship. A comment about it being good. Da Faq? When I was pregnant with my second I didn’t tell many people. He was a true, true miracle baby and it just felt right keeping it close rather than sharing. Then we had family/maternity pictures and they turned out >so beautiful< that I ended up sharing them on Facebook because how could I not? I didn’t make an announcement or anything, just shared our latest family pictures. I thought I may have heard from her after that since she had recently made that other comment. Nope. I posted the pictures around 3-4 weeks before he was born. Once he was born I obviously made the announcement and shared his newborn pictures etc. Did I hear from her then? Not even a single “like” on a photo. But you know what she did do? She commented on photos of >MY friend’s< new house. They only met [one] time at Leighton’s FirSt birthday!! When I saw that and it had been a few weeks since sharing all the newborn photos, I was pissed. I was done. It just hurt too much. So I unfriended her.

With our kids being close in age they attended the same elementary school. When Leighton was in kindergarten they had a halloween parade outside and as I was walking to a spot to stand her husband called out, “Hey Stranger!” I was so thrown but politely said hello with a smile and asked how he was. That was that. Fast forward to family fun night the following year, I was walking down the hall holding my youngest’s hand and she turned the corner. I happened to look down because Kb said something but she walked right past me, eyes laser focused straight ahead and acted like she didn’t even know me. COol.. The following year’s “welcome back” meet the teachers event was all the more awkward. Any time she saw me she completely averted all attention, turned away. At one point I was walking and she stopped and turned and stood in the doorway looking into Leighton’s old kindergarten classroom. Her son is 2 years older, so why would she be standing there looking into a kinder room? Uncomfortably ignoring me. She stood there for enough time she thought it’d take me to pass and then turned out of the room. She nearly collided with me but I was looking the other way, excusing myself from bumping into someone walking the other way. It was very obvious but we both ignored it. If she’s going to act like she doesn’t know me for whatever reason, sayonara!

When Auntie first had her stroke I contemplated if I would tell her or not when the time came of her passing. I had over 2 years to think about it but ultimately made the decision not to. I do [kind of] feel bad about it, as they were close at one point, but just like most of the rest of the family- no one seemed to give two shits about Auntie once she got sick that I didn’t care for -anyone- being there that didn’t actually care when she was alone. Am I sad about our friendship being over? Of course… I was. I was mad, confused – you know all of the stages of grief, essentially. Someone I dearly loved and cared about was no longer in my life, of course that’s something to be sad over. I actually had a lot of anxiety over possibly running into her [figuratively] all those years, but when she made it distinctly obvious she was avoiding me, all I could do was laugh. She obviously has her own feelings to work through but I can’t care anymore. She no longer holds that uncomfortable power over me. If she does ever want to talk, I’m here but until then, I’ll choose to remember the good times when I was younger rather than how things played out.