Tag: Friends Who Become Family

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17. Strangers

“It’s sad when friends become enemies. but whats even worse is when they become strangers.”
– Hayley Williams

Have you ever had so much you wanted to say to someone but just couldn’t bring yourself to say it; wondering what the point would even be? I have contemplated writing a letter or email for years but I was still in the grieving process, the anger, the hurt, the confusion. Kind of like my letter to Marion [10.Twin Flame] when she disappeared; but something she told me when we reconnected was that she “consciously chose to do so”. Which is true – when someone stops talking to you without explanation [ghosting] and you’ve tried conveying your feelings just to be met with silence or “I don’t know what to tell you” [gaslighting] – that’s on them, an actual choice they made themselves. Friendships come and go all throughout your life and unfortunately not all friendships are meant to last. People come into your life for a reason when you need them, for whatever reason, and exit when the time is right. Sometimes it’s just mutual disconnect and growing apart, other times it’s out of nowhere and one sided. And yeah it hurts like hell when that happens but honestly, it’s their loss! Sadly I guarantee that everyone has experienced something along those lines a time or two+x and it (always) leaves you insecure, wondering what you did. Am I Right? But here’s the thing, [you] didn’t do anything!!

If someone walks away without explanation and completely ghosts you, they themselves have their own issues to work through. Which, okay that’s fine I can accept, but where I find xtreme annoyance (even anger) is when they’re hypocrites, as they themselves have been through it and needed (your) comfort over how much it hurt. Isn’t the {golden rule} to -treat others- the way -you- want to be treated?! If you didn’t like the way someone treated you, why do the same thing to someone else? Oh, that’s right, people only truly care about themselves. My bad! <- Obviously not everyone, but if the pandemic has done anything, it’s shown people’s true colors of straight up selfishness!

So where does this leave me? I was initially just going to write a straightforward letter and leave it here but then I realized that I actually had two people to write about. I planned to leave the letter with the thought that maybe one day they’d come across it. While the other I was going to give the nitty gritty. I think that I’ll save the letter for another entry and discuss a loss that really cut deep, leaving awkwardness in its wake…

Pattie could have gone under both childhood friends and friendships pt 2. We met when I was 11 and she was 21. She was a waitress at one of the restaurants [08. Auntie] and I frequented oh so often. Over the years she became like an older sister to me and another niece to Auntie, she was family. I saw her more than I saw most of my real family, let’s be honest. I mean, she shared pictures of her breast reduction right there while sitting in a booth next to me. Haha.

For my 14th birthday my friends and I had dinner at her restaurant even though she worked day shifts. She surprised me and brought me a beautiful watch for a gift. She was also a cheerleader in high school [06. HS/Diagnosis] so when I had my very first game, she showed up in the stands with a really cute megaphone lamp for me. When I turned 16 she had someone dress up in the restaurant’s mascot costume and dance around singing happy birthday to me – nothing to be embarrassed about, right? Yeah… I was probably just as red as the costume! She came over while I was getting ready for prom. Her sister and I were 20 & 18 at the time, so she made sure the club we went to for her bachelorette party would allow us in. Igor was in Israel at the time so she took me out for my 21st birthday, bought my first legal drink and bottle of wine. It was funny because by that time she was the manager so when I [didn’t] get carded she was pissed even though we weren’t at her restaurant. At the bar afterwards she made a comment loud enough about being sure to show the bartender my I.D., as he too wasn’t about to ask.<- I don’t know how I should take that? Though I was carded at 32 so I’ll call it even. I was at her wedding and then baby shower for her to then be at my wedding and baby shower. In fact, she even came over the morning of my wedding for a quick hug while I was getting ready. Once I was pregnant she gave me tons of maternity clothes and after finding out I was having a boy, she brought me almost a complete wardrobe from her son. She made the desserts and smash cake for Leighton’s first birthday and brought him back a stuffed animal from Disneyworld when her family went for Christmas. The last time I saw her, in terms of actually hanging out and being you know, friends – was January 2014 when my 9 ½ year old was only 16 months.

So how did we go from her being a part of every major event in my life to [>nothing<]? That’s a damn good question!!! However, here’s the hypocrisy. Her Maid-of-Honor and best friend [ghosted] her! She wrote her a letter and it was brushed off. There must be a MoH curse as it happens far too often. I mean, Marion was mine. However, I’d like to think I broke that curse for Lauren’s wedding [02. Dad & 11. Childhood Friendhsips+] but then again, I was her Matron-of-Honor, not maid. And I’ll be a matron again in my cousin Sara’s – so we’re all good. Oh, speaking of Lauren’s wedding; I know I explained in [02. Dad] that one of the two most memorable fights we had growing up was when she threw a handful of panty liners at me, while simultaneously yelling at me to, “eat pads!” ::classic:: I had already written my speech before she asked me if I was going to include that, I wasn’t. However, what she didn’t know was that I had two panty liners (the same old school, folded up in pink wrapping, like she used 20 years prior) closed in my hand while I was giving my speech. Then at the very end, I ended with, “I only have one more thing to say… Lauren – I love you and please do me a favor… eat pads!” and returned the favor of throwing them in her face. It. Was. The. Best!! Obviously only a select few understood why I did it, but she held it together, not letting herself cry, until that moment. It was probably one of the best ideas I’ve ever had. Haha. Anyway, sorry for randomly going off subject, ADHD is fUn my friends!

Pattie’s son’s 4th birthday was that February and the first of his birthdays that I wasn’t invited to. Her excuse was because the kids invited were older and doing dino digs in sand, she didn’t want us to feel uncomfortable with Leighton so young. Um, okay? Shouldn’t that have been my choice? You’d think she’d give me that option considering how close we were. I really didn’t understand and was hurt. However, Igor mentioned that she may have been “butt-hurt” over a comment I left on a status of her’s. Which, I don’t know if she would have been upset or if maybe she thought she upset me? Idk. She had made a comment about someone using an EBT card (food stamps) at the dollar store while their nails were done and they had an iPhone. I tried to point out that “you can’t judge a book by its cover”. No one really has any idea what is going on in someone else’s life. I understand and agree that people cheat the system, however, just because someone {needs} assistance does that mean they [aren’t allowed] nice things from time to time? I used my mother as an example. Mom is on disability and therefore gets assistance, and obvi Pattie knew this. I pointed out that Mom has a smartphone because she was on a plan with my uncles via their business. My dad and Brian wanted to do something nice for her and got her a Coach wallet one Christmas. Should Mom not carry those things around when she needs to use her EBT card? How is that fair to her? Just because someone sees something from the outside doesn’t give them the right to -judge- the situation…

Was I upset over her comment? No, not really. I was annoyed but by responding with what I did was’t to start anything, it was just shedding light from a different perspective. Playing Devil’s advocate. Over the next few months I’d reach out and see how she was doing, expressed that I missed her, etc. She had recently started a new job around Leighton’s 1st birthday that required a lot of time. I understood that but again, to go from talking all the time and only living 3 minutes away from one another to nothing? She was the one who always wanted to be such a big part of my life! Not that I didn’t want her to be, but you know what I mean. Being older she was the one making the choice to be there for me as I grew up. Around the one year mark of being the only one to reach out and receiving very minimal in return – I finally expressed my feelings. You know that whole “insecure, what did I do” thing that crosses your mind when something like this happens? Yeah, it happened. So I asked if there was anything that I did. I explained how I was hurt and didn’t understand. That I missed her and really wanted to know what was going on/what had happened. I was met with a response as though I was crazy and that nothing happened, she was just busy. Not once did she acknowledge my feelings. Not once did she apologize. In fact her exact words were, “I don’t know what to tell you, I’ve just been busy.” <- yup, definitely felt like a brush off with a side of gaslighting. I mean, posting on Facebook all of the fun adventures you’re having with friends and the kids that you’d normally include me in? Oh, sure. “Busy” I got it.

I stopped making much effort after that. I’d occasionally acknowledge something on Facebook but realistically I didn’t see the point. I was clearly no longer a priority in her life and I wasn’t going to sit around begging for friendship.  I never heard from her. Not until one comment on a picture I posted about a local restaurant that is both an Irish pub and sushi bar, over a year after my blown off attempt at maintaining a relationship. A comment about it being good. Da Faq? When I was pregnant with my second I didn’t tell many people. He was a true, true miracle baby and it just felt right keeping it close rather than sharing. Then we had family/maternity pictures and they turned out >so beautiful< that I ended up sharing them on Facebook because how could I not? I didn’t make an announcement or anything, just shared our latest family pictures. I thought I may have heard from her after that since she had recently made that other comment. Nope. I posted the pictures around 3-4 weeks before he was born. Once he was born I obviously made the announcement and shared his newborn pictures etc. Did I hear from her then? Not even a single “like” on a photo. But you know what she did do? She commented on photos of >MY friend’s< new house. They only met [one] time at Leighton’s FirSt birthday!! When I saw that and it had been a few weeks since sharing all the newborn photos, I was pissed. I was done. It just hurt too much. So I unfriended her.

With our kids being close in age they attended the same elementary school. When Leighton was in kindergarten they had a halloween parade outside and as I was walking to a spot to stand her husband called out, “Hey Stranger!” I was so thrown but politely said hello with a smile and asked how he was. That was that. Fast forward to family fun night the following year, I was walking down the hall holding my youngest’s hand and she turned the corner. I happened to look down because Kb said something but she walked right past me, eyes laser focused straight ahead and acted like she didn’t even know me. COol.. The following year’s “welcome back” meet the teachers event was all the more awkward. Any time she saw me she completely averted all attention, turned away. At one point I was walking and she stopped and turned and stood in the doorway looking into Leighton’s old kindergarten classroom. Her son is 2 years older, so why would she be standing there looking into a kinder room? Uncomfortably ignoring me. She stood there for enough time she thought it’d take me to pass and then turned out of the room. She nearly collided with me but I was looking the other way, excusing myself from bumping into someone walking the other way. It was very obvious but we both ignored it. If she’s going to act like she doesn’t know me for whatever reason, sayonara!

When Auntie first had her stroke I contemplated if I would tell her or not when the time came of her passing. I had over 2 years to think about it but ultimately made the decision not to. I do [kind of] feel bad about it, as they were close at one point, but just like most of the rest of the family- no one seemed to give two shits about Auntie once she got sick that I didn’t care for -anyone- being there that didn’t actually care when she was alone. Am I sad about our friendship being over? Of course… I was. I was mad, confused – you know all of the stages of grief, essentially. Someone I dearly loved and cared about was no longer in my life, of course that’s something to be sad over. I actually had a lot of anxiety over possibly running into her [figuratively] all those years, but when she made it distinctly obvious she was avoiding me, all I could do was laugh. She obviously has her own feelings to work through but I can’t care anymore. She no longer holds that uncomfortable power over me. If she does ever want to talk, I’m here but until then, I’ll choose to remember the good times when I was younger rather than how things played out.

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Friendships pt. 2

“Adult friendships are hard. Everyone is busy and life happens. I’ve learned you gotta text people when you’re thinking of them. A simple ‘Thinking of you, hope all is well’ really goes a long way.”
-Rob Lowe

After Highschool most noteworthy:

Kelly: My GFFAE – girlfriend for ever and ever! Have you ever had someone in your life who was kind of your air, you needed them in order to actually breathe? That was Kelly. We actually met back in early elementary school when our brothers were in boy scouts together, like with Lauren [02. Dad & 11. Childhood Friends+]. We were friends but were never really good friends until after graduating. She came to my grad party – yes, I still had a party for my GED [06. High School/Diagnosis]- and we just kind of became inseparable from that point forward. Kelly is more than just a friend, she is like an extension of myself. A soulmate on a different plane of friendship. I don’t know how else to explain it, honestly. She just gets me. Kind of like how Marion is my [10. Twin Flame], Kelly is just a part of me. We both had other friends but her friends quickly became my friends as we were all basically together 24/7 for like 2 years. Kelly’s house became another home in a way, I came and went whenever. I’m honestly having trouble putting into words what our friendship was(is?). Bottom line, we were/are family! Update: Life, life happened. We don’t talk often these days however when we do, it’s as though >nothing< ever changed and no time has passed at all. Same for when she sees my mom, or I her’s. We’re just connected.

My mom comes up with nicknames for everyone, and I mean -every- one of my friends, as well as myself. I am Jeniqua and Kelly is Keliqua. I’ve mentioned that Lauren is Lori Lou, Marion is Mary Kathrynn, and Jessie was Jiz, not realizing what she was saying at first but it just became a running joke… ::facepalm:: And of course Igor became Ivan from one of Mom’s favorite vocalists, Ivan Rebroff. I always thought it was because they’re both Russian, but I just learned while looking up how to spell his name that Ivan Rebroff was actually German!?? ::mindblown::

—–Funny random fact I just thought about- I call Kellan (my youngest) “Bello” or “kB” which came from Kelly-Belly [thanks, Mom], which is originally from Kellan-Bellan turned Bello. Kelly is also KB, which I guess makes her the OGKB. With that said, I now declare her *OGKBGFFAE* bahaha. Nothing to see here, moving on—-

Hannah: Hannah and I met via the online support group through Dysautonomia Youth Network of America. While at the Mayo Clinic Dr. Fischer introduced me to this website where I could connect with other kids/teens with Dysautonomia [06. HS/Diagnosis]. Fastforward 3.5 years later and viola – Hannah appears! Hannah is almost 3 years younger than me, but I look up to her – figuratively AND literally. My poor kids get their stature from their Mama. Ha, ha. Hannah has always been so mature and wise beyond her years that everyone forgets she’s as young as she is (or was? I’ve known her since she had just turned 18). Having Dysautonomia herself, she gets what it’s like to need to cancel last minute without ever holding a grudge. She gets what it’s like when you can’t do anything but sit on the couch while you visit. While she may not be a mother herself, she gets what it’s like to need a break. After Leighton (my oldest) was born, she came over regularly (I almost think it was weekly for a while at first?) to help me out and continued visiting regularly until she took a nursing job at OSU a couple years later. Her friendship is loyal, pure and unconditional; as is her love for my children and the special bond she has with Leighton! Update: Stupid pandemic! Being a nurse in basically a step down ICU during a pandemic changes everything. ::cries:: Don’t get me wrong, she is still very much a part of my life even if we don’t talk as often as we once did. She’s tired. I’m tired. She has her own health to care for and I have mine. Things may not be what they once were but they’ll always be!! I know that no matter what, she’d drop everything to do everything in her power to be there for me if I needed her. Like I said, loyal and unconditional! She was the first person I ever met who also has Dysautonomia (I was going to make an inappropriate joke about being the first, but… I’ll pass by it.) Her friendship has meant more to me than I could possibly explain because she just, [gets it]…

Ashleigh: Ashleigh and I met while I was working towards becoming a CMA,AAMA [12. Life Detour]. Spending hours in labs together we quickly became friends, and I honestly don’t know how I would have finished school without her!! She looked out for me and made sure my health was a priority in clinicals. She was my person as I finished college and sitting next to her during commencements (being my one and only time in a cap and gown) will >always< hold a special place in my heart!!! She’s your firecracker, stereotypical “redheaded” woman and I’d never want her any other way! Between her vocabulary and voice decibel it became a running joke at how often she’d apologize to Igor. Ha, ha. It was so important to her that I stand up in her wedding, knowing very well there was a chance I may not make it, due to her wedding date being a week after Leighton was due. She planned for both scenarios, as if wedding planning wasn’t hard enough? But she’s the kind of person that has to keep busy, always on the go. Which is an ironic way of describing her as she was a flight attendant at the time and her husband is a pilot. It was so difficult trying to figure out a dress for her wedding not knowing where I’d be size wise from the pregnancy. I bought my dress around 30ish weeks thinking that would make sense for being newly postpartum. Yeah, about that… with Leighton coming early, my mother in law had to take the dress in -8 inches- last minute. So, that was fun. Update: Life got difficult with her hubby being a pilot and having 2 kids under 2. For a while she tried making a point to drive out once a month but it just got to be too much. And my not being able to drive didn’t help any. We just kind of stopped talking but it was never on bad terms. Living over 45 mins away from one another and the stage of life we were in, it’s definitely sad but [life just happens]. It’s been a few years since we’ve seen one another but we keep in touch through social media.

Jenna & Matt: My Twinnie and SLSBSubby (secret lover, snuggle buddy, substitute hubby) <- yes, [obviously] they’re inside jokes + Igor is also Jenna’s Subby. Though, Matt is a pretty good snuggle buddy, even if my “legs are weird”. ::sideeyes:: For reference, Matt and Jenna are both 5’11” – I’m barely 5’2″ (yup; I’m only in my mid-thirties and I’ve already started shrinking… ::arggg::) Matt and Jenna have been together since ’04, so being used to snuggling someone her size for so many years, snuggling someone my size would be different, or “weird” according to him. Jenna and I also met in a P.O.T.S. group like Hannah and I, only it was via Facebook. It’s only been a little over 8 years but it’s like we’ve known them our whole lives! Jenna (aka Double N or 2-N Jenna) is the peanut butter to my chocolate, making the perfect Reese’s cup! Okay that was cheezy as hell but I don’t know how else to say it, haha. She’s pb&j with her bestie, and well we both love all things peanut butter and Reese’s soo it works, okay?! I could and probably should make them a seperate post as there is so much to say, but here we go…. Jenna and I are Twinnies because we are freakishly similar when it comes to our likes and things from our past, down to the SAME EXACT wedding dress!!! What? Like, how?

Here’s a short list of where we’re parallel: Favorite shape: stars, favorite animal: pigs (we also both have piggy collections), favorite color: pink (though as I’m getting older I’m leaning more towards purple but pink is still right there!). Halloween, Practical Magic and Jamie Fraser [IYKYK]; hobbies include: reading, puzzles, diamond painting and (the -same-) T.V. shows. We both were 3rd-Keys (basically part time assistant managers) at Claire’s when we were younger and cheerleaders in high school. We both have Dysautonomia/P.O.T.S./EDS and see the [same] cardiologist in a whole different state! I was going to school for forensic science and she was going to be a defense lawyer (<- yes those are very different but you need forensics in the courtroom). Our husbands are both PC gamers (both playing World of Warcraft at the time we met; we even hooked them up playing together before we actually met in person) and are they’re both weird anti-vegetable creatures. Neither of us could survive without pizza, peanut butter or ice cream. We both have a thing for old/antique keys (so much so that we got matching tattoos to represent our POTS, but it’s also an old key with a star, obviously). We both were recovering from “heartbreak” over our best friends <ghosting> us [10. Twin Flame] right around the same time. She’s a writer and I’m a blogger. Neither of us are able to drive regularly or hold a {real} job due to our health. And I repeat: SAME wedding dress!!

So I guess when I said it was like we’ve known them our whole lives, we basically have given our likes and dislikes. The above is quite literally just a >short< list and it doesn’t even touch on Matt & Igor’s similarities besides their love for PC games and disdain for veggies!! Matt is without a doubt the funniest person I know, without even trying. He is so quick with his comebacks or random statements or whatever – I don’t think anyone has made Igor or I cry as much from laughing, than just being around/talking to Matt. Where as Jenna is by far the most mentally strongest person I know, as well as the most thoughtful or generous person I’ve ever met… unless you piss her off!! Like, really truly get on her bad side. Which isn’t necessarily easy to do, even though she’s definitely the Queen of Swords and can be a straight up bitch when needed. <- a title she wears proudly, haha. She truly doesn’t care what others think and is always authentically herself. She has a heart of gold and goes way above and beyond for those she loves!! I can’t even count the number of times her generosity has left me in tears of gratitude since she’s come into my life.

That first year we met, we were basically inseparable – saw each other every to every other weekend and occasionally during the week. They were instantly our best friends. In fact, Matt was the first person Igor felt an authentic friendship with, someone to actually call his best friend. They talked daily whether it was via texting, Matt calling while he waited for his truck to be loaded or unloaded for work, or online gaming. And obvi, Jenna and I did, too!! Problem is: their other friends were starting to get upset and they felt bad letting them down, while also feeling bad for letting us down, as we had become so used to seeing one another so often. Admittedly it got a little awkward because they both started backing away without saying anything. [::Cue low self-esteem trigger: walls up and locked::]

I knew this friendship meant something more to all of us, so I pulled up my big girl pants and confronted Jenna outright. That’s how I learned the above ^… after talking things weren’t as awkward but it wasn’t like year one. Though, just like every new relationship – things slow down as time goes on, right? Prior to Covid we made a point to have monthly game nights on top of whenever else we’d get together. In the 8+ years we’ve known each other we’ve spent 4 NYEs together. They are our travel buddies from annual camping trips [Tent City >evolved<], to Canadian food festivals and ghost haunts at old prisons. We have SO many trips in mind and I look forward to each and every one!! They love our children as their own nephews and the boys obsess over them (particularly Uncle Matt because, well, video games, ::duh::). Matt came over while Jenna and I were out of town last fall to watch one of Kb’s baseball games [on the sidelines -alone- since Igor was coaching and Leighton was batboy]. He even then picked up pizza and they had a “boys night”. We may not all talk or see each other as often as year one but they’re still without question some of our best friends!! Scratch that, they’re [Family!]!!

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10. Twin Flame

“When connections are real, they simply never die. They can be buried or ignored or walked away from, but never broken. If you’ve deeply resonated with another person or place, the connection remains despite any distance, time, situation, lack of presence, or circumstance… If it was truly real, you’ll be instantly swept back into the moment it was before it left- with the same wonder and hope, comfort and heartbeat. Real connections live on forever.”
– Victoria Erickson

Let’s talk friends. A not so smooth transition I know but I don’t know how else to discuss them as I’m writing this kind of chronologically. Let’s just see how it goes…

I think I need to start with Marion. My Mary-Kathrynn, June Bug and Moe. Marion and I met when we were 2 when my cousins’ lived in the house across the street from her. Mom actually ended up buying the house from my uncle after the divorce so I grew up across the street from her from ages 4-21. Our friendship has been nothing short of a roller coaster. Are you familiar with the concept of “twin flames”? I know I briefly mentioned it when talking about my Mom and Maria but, if you are not familiar with it, let me explain…

Sarah Regan wrote in her article, What Is A Twin Flame? 11 Signs You’ve Found Your “Mirror Soul” that, “every relationship has something to teach us and twin flames are often considered the ones that will teach us the most. A twin flame is an intense soul connection with someone thought to be a person’s other half, sometimes called a “mirror soul.” It’s based on the idea that sometimes one soul gets split into two bodies. One of the main characteristics of a twin flame relationship is that it will be both challenging and healing. This is due to the mirroring nature of a twin flame; they show you your deepest insecurities, fears, and shadows. But they also help you overcome them and vice versa—your twin flame will be equally affected by you.”

Marion and I may have lived across the street from one another most of our lives, but we weren’t always on the best of terms. And it’s not even that we were necessarily fighting, we just drifted in and out from each other’s lives for various reasons. She too was a victim to life with an alcoholic parent and she spent a lot of time at my house. I consider Lauren my sissy-poo but I’d be lying if I didn’t see Marion as one at times. It wasn’t until recently that I came to the realization that she’s without a doubt my twin flame. Our friendship had its challenges but when push came to shove, we were always there for eachother when we needed one another the most. I still have numerous cards and notes from her over the years expressing how we may drift but she’ll always come back to me. And it’s true, she does.

In high school we had completely different friends. She and Jessie did not get along, at all. I don’t know if it was insecurity or jealousy but if I was playing with one and the other showed up at my house unannounced, one would end up leaving. <- Is that even still a thing? Do kids still just show up at their friend’s houses like it’s their own home? My kids barely want to play with their friends outside of school so I have no idea what’s common these days. Ha. Her and my brother had some weird thing for each other and while I know I wasn’t innocent, sometimes her behavior left me concerned. She started dating this guy that I did not get along with. 5 years later they were briefly engaged and I’m so glad she dodged that one! In fact, this same guy told the new girl in 8th grade (during the summer when they met) not to talk to some girl by the name of [insert my name here] because of how much of a bitch she was. During first period on the first day of school I noticed someone new and I went and introduced myself. Some bitch, huh? I let this poor girl go on and on about what he said and she couldn’t get over how kind I was for taking the time to welcome her. Our teacher started doing attendance and when my name was called, I’m fairly certain she went through every shade of red imaginable. Talk about inserting your foot into your mouth. Ha, ha. Luckily for her I’m not the bitch she was told to fear and we became really good friends!

So yeah, it’s kind of hard to maintain a friendship with someone when they are dating someone who was really butt hurt because you turned them down in 6th grade. Good grief. Then there was the time when she came to my brother for weed and I told her mom. ::hides face:: Okay, I did it out of concern, not out of spite. Like  I said, her behavior really started changing over night and I didn’t recognize her anymore. Annnd Kevin may have had a hand in convincing me. Him and Marion didn’t really get along either because she didn’t like how I’d let him back into my life after all the hurt in the past. But also, maybe I was a bit jealous over her new friendships and subconsciously projected it as concern? Idk. All I know is that it was a huge mistake that cost us almost 2 years without speaking. It wasn’t until our graduation parties that we started to rebuild our friendship that turned into the best time of our relationship. From 18-24 we were on the best of terms and I didn’t think anything could break what we had built. She was at my college commencements when I walked across the stage for the first time and she was my maid of honor at my wedding. However, unfortunately, that didn’t last. Once again, the tumultuous relationship between twin flames.

Things started to go downhill when I was pregnant with my oldest. Her husband had recently been deployed right around the time I found out I was expecting. It was very difficult on her and I wasn’t able to be there for her as we both would have hoped. I didn’t realize things were as bad as they were because she never told me. I was SUPER sick during that time and I couldn’t really do much of anything. I couldn’t drive and we lived about an hour away from one another at that point. She slowly started pulling back as depression took over. She had a lot of attitude with my mom over throwing my baby shower and hit below the belt a time or two. It was rough. It was especially rough when my son was born a month early and my bff was nowhere to be seen. He’s 9 and they’ve never met…  in fact, I have only seen her in person 4 times since my baby shower. Her father’s funeral 2 years later, her mother’s funeral 4 years after that, a few months after her mother’s passing we met up to talk about everything that had happened, and then again for dinner this past summer, 3 years later. Her not being around was so incredibly difficult and heart breaking for me, but just like any twin flame relationship – I grew and learned so much about myself during that time, it was almost necessary. I couldn’t be who she needed me to be and I have since learned that neither could she, for me.

After her dad passed I had so many mixed emotions about going to pay my respects, but there’s no way I couldn’t not go. I may have been hurt by her actions but that doesn’t take away from the hurt she was experiencing. At the time I didn’t know they had the chance to reconcile so going into it my heart was that much heavier for her! It was good to see her but after we left my husband asked me if I hoped anything would come of this and I honestly didn’t care if they did or didn’t. We didn’t talk again until she called to tell me of her mother’s passing. I had suspected something as I was still friends with her sister in law on Facebook but I didn’t know for sure. I about threw up when I saw her name appear on my phone. I didn’t want to answer but I knew I had to. My grandfather had just recently passed so I was especially a mixed bag of emotions. I was sad for her when I heard of the passing of her father, but hearing that her mother had died, cut me deep.

Being there, seeing her family, talking to her mother’s childhood best friend about how good it was to see me there or Marion. It was a lot. But in that moment I knew that it was time. It was finally time for us to heal and move forward. 

After a while we decided to meet up for coffee and talk everything through. After my oldest was born and I hadn’t heard from her in a while, I wrote her a letter expressing my feelings. It of course went unacknowledged until that coffee date. I mentioned how much it hurts knowing that your best friend has walked away from you twice due to your health. It’s definitely a knife to the heart kind of feeling and I went 6 years thinking that. She apologized and explained to me that it wasn’t anything I did, she just needed to work on herself before she could be there for anyone else. Which, I understand. It doesn’t take away the pain I experienced but I understand it. I had always liked her husband so hearing of the divorce saddened me. That was of course until I heard the reasoning behind it. But that’s not my story to tell and a tough topic, so I’ll just say: PTSD post war deploymentS. Which, that itself still saddens me because of how screwed over our veterans are!! Arg.. During that talk I discovered that her divorce was finalized the same week her mother passed away. OMfG talk about an emotional mind fk!! I honestly cannot imagine and while I wasn’t there for her during it, I was glad that I was able to be a part of her healing, however much or limited that may be! 

I had been blocked on Facebook (she had no memory of blocking me and suspects her ex-husband was to blame) so she unblocked me and we kept in touch that way. A comment here or there, a memory. Small things. I was going through a difficult time and while she didn’t know the details, she sent me a card to cheer me up. She saw a skeleton mermaid, thought of me, bought it and dropped it off. (Oh, if I haven’t already mentioned, Halloween is my jam and I AM a mermaid. Shhh.. don’t question anything, just go with it!) It felt good to reconnect but I still kept my arms extended so as to not allow myself to get too vulnerable. That’s probably why it took another 3 years before we got together again.

You know, the universe works in mysterious ways. Some say that there is a being, God, that is in control. Others believe in multiple gods and goddesses. Then there’s those who don’t believe in anything and that what is, just is. I myself am spiritual and believe in everything being energetically connected. How that is, I don’t have an answer for you; I can only mention my beliefs from what I have experienced myself. There is no way of knowing for sure during this lifetime, as this physical being. Just be a good person and everything will be good, dammit! All of that was said to lead up to an example of how strongly Marion and I are connected. I don’t typically dream and when I do, I rarely remember them. We hadn’t talked in a while which makes this all the crazier! One night I had a dream and all I can recall is her walking up this grand staircase in the most beautiful wedding gown. I had never seen her so radiant. I mean, I knew she was dating someone but had no idea how serious things were. After a few days I texted her to tell her about it, never expecting the response I received. You see, it just so happens that her now fiance had bought her a ring just a few days prior! They were not officially engaged as of yet and she hadn’t told anyone, and yet, I picked up on it! She ended up telling me the story and I just get chills thinking back. Like, I know we’re not the best of friends these days, but knowing I was the first she actually spoke to about it, warms my heart. She even said that it just felt right that I would be.

She had moved away to a beautiful tourist town a few hours away for a job. It just so happened that Igor and I were going up there for our first vacation away just the 2 of us since our honeymoon {10 years prior!}. While in town we met up for dinner and she had me in tears as she apologized to Igor, because even though he had been nothing but amazing towards her, the fact she hurt me so much had to have hurt him, too. Now that’s growth done right! She has since moved back this way and is living with her new fiance. Update: only time will tell where our paths will cross again and what is to come of our friendship. I just know that we are connected in a way that cannot be explained and I am who I’ve become because of her. I wish her nothing but love, light and happiness!