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21. Miracle Baby

“I was given such a great gift. It’s a miracle that never stops amazing me and reminding me to give thanks, every day.”
– Jake owen

With my {miracle baby} turning > s i x < less than a week ago, I can’t help but reflect on how he came to be. Though, if I’m being honest, both of my children are miracle babies. And no, I don’t mean in the whole ‘all babies are God’s miracles” way. I mean, it’s legitimately impressive that they’re here without [complication]!

See, we didn’t know it at the time, but when Igor went for his vasectomy we discovered he only had -one- of his vas deferens. A missing vas is usually associated with renal agenesis (the absence of one or both kidneys) / abnormalities and / or genetic mutations. The urologist said that he had never heard of it otherwise. So, Igor went off to get an ultrasound only to discover that he, too, is a zebra himself! <3

For those not part of the {chronic illness communities}, in medicine, the term “zebra” is used in reference to a rare disease or condition. Doctors are taught to assume that the simplest explanation is usually correct, to expect common conditions. The phrase taught to medical students throughout their training is, “When you hear the sound of hooves, think horses, not zebras.” However, many medical professionals seem to forget that “zebras” >DO< exist, so getting a diagnosis and treatment can be more difficult for sufferers of rare conditions, such as myself!! There is {no} explanation for why Igor only had one of his vas deferens, and seeing as the urologist was stumped himself, I declare my hubby a “zebra”, even if only an honorary one.

That said, the fact we didn’t end up with fertility treatments is the first miracle itself! I even got pregnant with Leighton on our first try. Our good friend Matt [Friendships pt. 2] likes to joke that Igor has -supersperm- as a result of Chernobyl. <- Which, may be in poor taste given that Chernobyl is considered the worst nuclear disaster in history… buuuut is it not {also} possible he may be right? ::joking;kindof:: Having Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome [06. HS/Diagnosis], I was at risk for a variety of complications, from not being able to maintain pregnancy or delivering prematurely, to hemorrhaging, especially due to my platelet disorder: Delta Granule Storage Pool Deficiency. According to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, DGSPD “is caused by a lack of dense granules and the chemicals normally stored inside them. Without these chemicals, platelets are not activated properly and the injured blood vessel does not constrict to help stop bleeding.” <- basically meaning, I’m a bleeder. I have to be honest and admit that while I knew about EDS {shout out to May being EDS awareness month!}, I didn’t truly understand it when it came to pregnancy, at the time I was pregnant with Leighton. We were concerned about premature labor but my obgyn was much more concerned about my bleeding and the potential need for a hysterectomy due to said bleeding.

As I mentioned in [Twice Exceptional], I had Leighton at 35 weeks+5 days. At 33w3d I was sent for a stress test and discovered I was in preterm labor. I guess I’m so used to pain that I didn’t even realize these were [decent] contractions and not just Braxton Hicks. After a few hours they decided to send me home but to keep an eye on my blood pressure and if contractions started up again to go back. In less than 24 hours I was back in and admitted for the night. We already knew that I was going to be having a c-section under general anesthesia because of my doctors’ fears over bleeding. They didn’t want to give me a spinal and cause more harm, only to have to put me under should there be an issue. The morning of the day he was born, my obgyn was concerned that I was going to end up in an emergency situation. She didn’t want to send me home only for me to come back to a busy ward without platelets on hand. She believed based on how I was progressing that I wouldn’t make it a week, and felt it was the safest, smartest option to deliver him that day, while there were two doctors to oversee it, she would be there (as it was her hospital day), and being morning they had fresh platelets on hand and could reserve them for me. That quickly became the scariest day of my life, up to that point! Like I said, we didn’t know enough back then but you better believe I did my research the second time around, because having a child under general anesthesia, not knowing if I was going to wake up with or without a uterus – or at all, miss the first cry, my husband not being allowed in the room, and so forth, >definitely< lead to birth trauma!! I felt so disconnected from Leighton, and honestly I still do. I don’t know if it’s from the trauma or his neurodivergence. I just know that I love him fiercely, but our bond is nothing like that of which Kellan and I have. Over the years there have been times it felt fake and forced and it breaks my heart to even admit it, but here I am… Telling my truth. The next miracle: being born at 35+5, at 6lbs 11oz – baby boy [never] spent -any- time in the NICU (which is good because he would have been transferred downtown to Detroit Children’s Hospital) and went home with me when I was released!!

Having a 2E child is challenging beyond words! With everything that we went through those first 3 years, we honestly didn’t know if we’d have a second child. We had always talked about having 2 and if they were both boys, we’d adopt a girl. Only in a “perfect” world, right? I shake my head at our naive young selves. It took until hearing the words, “you’re not ovulating” and “you may not be able to get pregnant again”, to realize how badly we actually wanted a second. Knowing that choice was essentially [possibly] taken from me, cut me. Deep.

Huh, just right now I realized, I think that I need to backtrack on my comment about not needing fertility treatment. My [naive] understanding of treatments was always so much more in-depth than just taking medication for ovulation induction (OI). After thinking about the fact that I >did< use oral medication to try and “re-boot” things, I decided to see what actually was considered ‘fertility treatment’. Lo and behold, OI is infact one of the first methods! Wow. You learn something new every day, and I’ll [never] stop learning anything I can. Knowledge is power, my friends! <- Which is why my 9 year old son knows about what is going on with the Supreme Court, at this moment in time. When he found out, his first reaction was to ask, “but what about if the mother’s life is in danger?” Oh my heart, sweet boy. I’m not going to go on a pro-whatever- tangent, I just think it’s incredible while also very sad, that this {child} understands it’s >not< a black and white situation – and he is very much a black and white type of person!

I did two “cycles” and viola, I started ovulating again. Seven months later, I was never happier to see two pink lines! From about 6-8 weeks I had to have regular blood work due to what is medically coded as a “threatened abortion.” <- Because that’s always fun to see on paper when you desperately want that child. And just so we’re clear and there is no misunderstanding, a threatened abortion means :possible miscarriage:. Also during those weeks, I had to use vaginal suppositories daily. I share this because 1) this is my truth and 2) [awareness] as I had -never- heard of anything like it before. I had to get them from a special compound pharmacy, as well. The whole point of my blog is to help others, right? There should be no shame in discussing women’s reproductive health; so ::sorrynotsorry:: if you found that uncomfortable.

It was very evident from the start that I needed to see a [high-risk] ob/gyn, again, only this time my doctor recommended that I head to UofM, completely out of her “network”. Hell I wasn’t going to argue, you want the best of the best, right? Man am I grateful I did!! See, it was at UofM where I discovered that even with my bleeding disorder, hematology cleared me for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), shall my other doctors agree! Missing Leighton’s birth caused a lot of trauma and I wanted more than anything to have a natural birth! More. Than. Anything! Having an epidural was more of a risk to me due to bleeding, plus it puts you at greater risk for needing an emergency c-section, which would again result in me likely being put under. Nope! I didn’t want to risk any of it so I started practicing hypnobirthing. I had my essential oils picked out, I had my music prepared and had been going through all the prompts with my mother as she was going to be my coach though it. She is my calm, which, duh? Of course she is, she’s my mom!

My team of high-risk OB’s couldn’t give me a definitive answer of course, but they knew it’s what I wanted and it was listed as my birth plan from day one! At 21 weeks I started progesterone shots to help prevent preterm labor, but had to stop after 2 weeks. At this point I hadn’t been diagnosed with PMDD, so I didn’t know that those added doses of progesterone would cause me to spiral downward, fast! That was the first time (that I knew of for certain) where hormonal depression kicked my ass! I mean, I figured I was a mess when taking the pills for OI because it was meant to shake things up, I just didn’t realize they were a contributing factor. Nor did I realize that what I was feeling with the suppositories wasn’t just [normal] “pregnancy hormones” with the added stress of a -possible- miscarriage. Nope, as it turns out, my body doesn’t handle progesterone well. I didn’t discover until after I was diagnosed with PMDD, that natural progesterone levels are at their highest right after ovulation, which is exactly when I start struggling; <- explains a whole lot as to why any time I was on birth control, I also ended up on anti-depressants! So, not being able to take the shots meant more visits and added ultrasounds as once again, I was at a higher risk of losing the pregnancy, not just going into preterm labor. Yay me…

Around 28 weeks baby boy was thriving! He was in the 67th percentile, so it was really up in the air as to if I’d be able to have a VBAC. If he continued to stay far ahead the closer to term that I got, my chances for the natural delivery that I wanted would drop lower and lower. By 34 weeks he had dropped to the 29th percentile, which, in retrospect should have been questioned more, but they viewed him as healthy and my chances looked bright. I only knew he dropped as I started going into preterm labor and had 2 ultrasounds that week alone to monitor him. At 36 weeks with a 5+ hour trip to labor and delivery, they were convinced he was coming that night. After walking the hospital for 2 hours, things weren’t progressing enough so they sent me home, even though my contractions had been consistent for 2 weeks and powerful enough to be considered ‘active labor’ that night… until they stopped. All of a sudden, out of nowhere. <- again, in retrospect one would think there’d be a little more concern but my fluids were intact and all seemed [fine]. Cool? As I mentioned in [15. Twenty-Two] Kellan was almost born on his father -and- my father’s birthday. He was also close to being born on my mother-in-law’s. <- Thankfully he wasn’t, no offense, but if he’s not sharing the day with my husband and my father, Kb deserves his own day just for him! Which he got, when my water broke the very next morning.

When we first got to the hospital everything was progressing as it should. I got hooked up to monitors and was super stoked that the outcome of having a VBAC looked promising! Then… literally out of nowhere like the flip of a switch, nurses came barreling in. I was flipped onto all fours, given oxygen, and my doctor did a quick exam (I think?) as they were wheeling me to the operating room, before Igor or myself could even ask what was happening. Within a matter of seconds I was on the OR table and hooked up to monitors again. I just remember not getting to kiss Igor goodbye as we both had tears in our eyes, without a clue as to why the situation was so emergent. During transport my doctor mentioned that they had [-lost-] fetal heart tones for the last 10 minutes!! <- Are you fucking kidding me?! TEN MINUTES?! Isn’t the >whole< point of being hooked up to monitors in the first place, to assure things like that doesn’t happen? Who the hell wasn’t doing their job monitoring me from the nurses’ stand? 10 minutes? GTFO!

Once lying flat on the OR table and hooked up again, they allowed Igor to enter the room. Adam, one of the senior residents (I don’t know what his official year/title was at the time) sat with me and finally explained what was going on. They didn’t know for sure what happened, but at that time I was stable and baby boy was stable. They weren’t sure if he had moved and went into distress or if I unknowingly moved the monitor not realizing. Whatever the case, it shouldn’t have taken 10 minutes to notice!!! Arg. Anyway, after about 45 minutes of monitoring us he felt comfortable enough to let -me- make the decision on whether or not I wanted to have an elective c-section or return to my room and continue with my original birth plan.

See, what makes or breaks a good doctor is truly their bedside manor. You can be brilliant but if you’re a jerk, your ego will get in the way eventually and it wouldn’t be surprising if you face a lawsuit or two+. Adam listened to me. I explained my previous birth trauma and how important certain things were to me. Like delayed cord cutting, Igor actually being able to cut the cord, skin to skin immediately after birth and most importantly – to be awake and hear his first cry!! He knew how badly I wanted to try laboring naturally and allowed me the [choice] without any pressure (How it should be!). He asked if I wanted to speak with an anesthesiologist first to hear my options shall the need for an emergency cesarean arise. He stood next to me holding my hand while I cried unsure of what to do. Ultimately being awake was [the] most -important- thing so we all agreed that while I wasn’t getting an epidural, pre-placing a catheter in the event I needed to be rushed down again, would give me the best odds at not being put under, as they could pump what was needed during transport. 

They had Igor step out as they placed and tested the catheter for proper placement. They told him it would only be a few minutes so he could go back to my room and wait for me to come back. Only… things didn’t go as planned… AT ALL! Again, within a matter of seconds I was back on my back as they prepared to get Kb out of me as quickly as possible. When they tested the placement his heart rate went from 187 to 58 almost instantly. Adam had previously addressed how important it was for me to be awake with all of those involved, so the nurse anesthetist told me that they’re doing everything they can, but to understand that in order to stay awake they needed to overdose me to work as quickly as possible. Pretty sure all I did was blink and I went from having fluid dripping into my spine to, “Jena can you feel that?” “Prepare for the baby to be out in 90 seconds.” I remember yelling, “Wait, what?! Where’s my husband? My husband has to be here; he can’t miss this! Where is my husband?” as tears streamed down my face. Everything happened so fast that Igor entered the operating room {JUST} as they were pulling Kellan out of me. Igor thought fast on his feet and grabbed his camera when whoever went to get him and started taking pictures as the OR doors opened. The first thing he saw was baby boy literally halfway out of me! ::phew:: He just kept snapping, I don’t even know if he was looking through the viewfinder or just holding it while he pressed the button but he at least got to see it… kind of.

Unfortunately delayed cord cutting wasn’t an option, however Adam made sure to leave it long enough to get [some] benefit as well as allowing Igor to “cut the cord”. My sweet baby came out blue; I of course didn’t know this at the time but it sure seemed like it took forever to hear his first little high pitched cry! He was whisked away to be checked over and then brought over to me and placed on my chest right there in the OR for immediate skin to skin! I am not sure how normal that is, as I’ve only ever seen photos of proud dads holding a wrapped baby next to Mama’s head. The problem is, I was legitimately numb to my neck and he kept rooting upwards towards my shoulders. They weren’t kidding when they said they needed to overdose me. The nurse had to keep adjusting him until he finally found what he wanted and started nursing.::awwmybebe:: And nursing did he ever! Pretty sure I made cream as he was already above birth weight at his first doctor’s appointment. They typically say by 2 weeks babies should have reached their birth weight as they lose weight while in the hospital. He weighed 5lbs 15oz at birth, left the hospital at 5lbs 7oz and was 6lbs 2oz by 5 days old!! ::whaaat?!::

Remember when I said he had dropped from the 67th percentile at 28 weeks to the 29th at 34 weeks? At 38w5d he was born barely making the 2nd percentile. Later that night after walking the halls, I returned to my room to find the MFM attending doctor waiting for me. He explained that had I attempted natural laboring, both myself and Kellan may not have made it. If you recall in [06. HS/Diagnosis] I explained how EDS affects the organs, as it’s a connective tissue defect. As it turns out, all of the complications and near miscarriages were a result of a faulty placenta. I was never actually told what exactly was faulty about it but that he was malnourished towards the end of my pregnancy. He was healthy, but it makes sense why he ate around the clock for a while. My uterus was so thin along my previous cesarean scar that it basically ruptured on its own as surgery was being performed. <- Whoa! That explains why the OR looked like a crime scene in the pictures… ::ShiftsEyesSidetoSide:: I was in a controlled environment and they were prepared, whereas if I tried laboring, there is no question that I would have hemorrhaged and it would have been that much more serious. Obviously doctors cannot [tell] you what you can and cannot do, but he made it -very- clear that getting pregnant again would put my life even more at risk. He told me that if I was his daughter he’d tell me, “it’s not worth it and to not get pregnant again!” Roger that!

Adam, or rather now, Dr. Baruch, clinical assistant professor, will >always< hold a special place in my heart!! I know I didn’t go into detail over just how much he was there for me but I will never forget him! He even came to check on me after his shift had ended and he heard what the attending had to say. I am not the person to walk up to someone off the street and say something, however, about 18 months later I apparently became that person. Ha. Igor and I were in downtown Ann Arbor and saw Adam in a store. I was so SO nervous and hesitant but I -knew- that I [had] to say something; I not only literally survived because of him, but I also survived a very traumatic experience without the mental trauma effects. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about his sincerity and how lucky future mamas will be, to be under his care! Also, you know you’re getting older when the doctor who performs surgery is younger than you. Oy.

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20. Soul Recognition

“‘Soulmate’ is an overused term, but a true soul connection is very rare and very real.” – Hilary Duff

Back when I first contemplated publishing this blog, I was sitting there one day and was instantly flooded with all these memories from the past. Which makes sense, given that I am sharing my past. But one particular person stood out. The crazy thing is, I hadn’t spoken to this individual in quite some time, which is ironic given we used to talk every single day for years!  For some reason that day I had an overwhelming sense of needing to reach out, say hello and wish them well. I have no idea what was going on in their life at that time but intuition led me there and I listened. 

It’s easily been 5 months since I said something on Facebook, and after doing so the thoughts and memories faded as I dug in full force; pumping out post after post. There was no follow up and as strange as it sounds- it’s almost as if saying something to them released their part of my story, as I haven’t included them yet in my writing. Which again, is incredibly weird as they were such an important person in my life for so, so long! Out of sight, out of mind? No, that can’t be right because they do cross my mind, we have years of memories! 

They fall under the [11. Childhood Friendships+] category, but for some reason I only included Lauren, Jessie and then HS friends, since Marion had her own post with [10. Twin Flame]. The first time I really spoke of any guys in my life was when I talked about Kevin being my best friend in [09. First Love]; but there is {absolutely} someone else who held that title first! Someone who was there for me through all the ups and downs, the heartbreaks of both relationships and friendships. Someone I loved and cared for so deeply that I refused to let >feelings< get in the way and -ruin- everything. I mean, they were practically family! Hell, he even went to my dance recital in 7th grade!

While Kevin may have [physically] been the “boy next door”, Will(y) was the true definition in terms of one repressing their own feelings, while also knowing how the other truly felt about them, until it was too late. 

I have to admit that it is strange to call Will, “Will” and not Willy. When I think back to the little boy that I went to daycare -and- preschool with, it’s Willy! We had that young childhood friendship where the adults always joked about us getting married one day, even though it was his cousin who I remember kissing in preschool, haha! <- seriously, I was terrible! ::hidesInshame:: I cannot believe how freely I kissed people growing up; especially when feelings weren’t involved!! ::ShakesHeadAfterFaceMeetsPalm::again:: Once we were off to elementary school our friendship kind of just ended, which… is really sad if you think about it! 

Every relationship we get into is some kind of soul connection. People have this notion that a [soulmate] is your “one and only” but in actuality, a soulmate is anyone you feel a deep, safe connection with!! It can be a family member, a best friend, a stranger off the street. For those who believe in past lives or even just that our souls are more than what’s in our physical beings; it could be that when you feel that intense connection, you recognize them from >another time<. Kind of like how I explained Kelly, [Friendships Pt. 2] she’s an extension of myself; a soulmate on a whole different plane of friendship. 

This past week I have come to realize that I hadn’t discussed Will yet, because the timing wasn’t right! I left that comment for him months ago, but it wasn’t until this past week that he actually saw it and reached out. When he did, that instant feeling of comfort washed over me. A giddiness of feelings of joy; like when you find something you thought was lost forever because you’ve searched high and low for it, only to discover it months later somewhere you’d never expect!  This past week I have felt this deep rooted {wholeness}, and recognize Will(y) as part of my soul’s circle, if you will. He was always meant to be in my life and it’s even more evident now, looking back at all of the times we’ve reconnected. 

We lost touch when we were 5, so how did he come back into my life? Well, it involves more synchronicity, of course. In ‘99, a 2.5 million dollar anonymous donation was made for 5th graders across the [entire] Plymouth-Canton, Van Buren and Taylor school districts, to attend Space Camp for a week!!  Some schools went to Florida, others Alabama or California, like myself and Will. One of the first days there, in a little off-white hallway, standing across from one another, we each had a sense of familiarity anytime we looked at one another. It was Will who spoke up first and figured out that we actually did know one another. <- I’m not the only one with a crazy ability to remember… (al)most everything. I could be mistaken but I believe we were both waiting for medication, ooooor maybe it was to make a phone call? My mom was -extremely- ill at the time, like – almost died, so I spent a lot of time with the counselors as I spoke with family during the down times. Being from different schools we had different groups, but we did see each other often and spoke whenever we could. Just before leaving he had a friend deliver me a note, expressing his feelings and disdain for my “boyfriend” at the time, along with his number to stay in touch. Ha. Boyfriend. In 5th grade, for 6 months. My kid is going into 5th grade next year and either times have changed or he’s just so 2E [Twice Exceptional] that anything like that goes way above his head. I actually could see both being true considering the cards/notes my kindergartener brings home… ::shiftyeyes::

Annnyway. We stayed in touch and talked literally every day. I don’t know how much we saw each other that first summer but as luck would have it, we ended up at the same middle school together. We didn’t have many classes together but we passed notes often. We actually even had a notebook at one point that we’d pass back and forth. And knowing me, I likely still have it packed away in the plethora of “remember” boxes that I took from my Mom’s house before she moved. I know that he wanted more out of our friendship, but he also understood and respected the boundaries. We tried once for a very short time, but I suck and became a <heart/breaker3. Oh man did his sister hate me after that one. She didn’t like me much to begin with and I don’t think we saw common ground until we were older and hung out via Kelly. I just didn’t want to lose him and the connection we had. There was always just a deeper understanding of one another. Which >all< makes sense now that I believe our souls were connected before this lifetime. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can call me crazy or whatever but it’s what feels true within me. It’s just an unexplainable feeling of comfort, wholeness, an extension of oneself. I have no idea if he feels the same, but I’d like to think so.

The problem is, I felt like I had this… I don’t want to say “ownership” but maybe claim? over him. Him and Marion also dated briefly and it sort of gutted me. It wasn’t a feeling of jealousy in the sense that I wanted him for myself, but almost like my “evil twin” was out to get me. Which again, looking back at the concept of [10. Twin Flames] it would make total sense that he’d see things in her, that he did with me. And by NO means am I calling her my evil twin, nor do I believe she did anything out of spite or sinister, it just adds to the yin and yang of it all. I hated it and it was definitely a time that rocked the boat between her and I. In high school when Kev and I got back together on a more serious level, my friendship with Will became almost nonexistent, especially after he started dating this girl whom I really, really didn’t like! Rightfully so, however, she not only broke his heart, she stabbed him in the back with the same knife she used to break it. I don’t wanna be one to hold a grudge but I still get steam coming out of my ears when I think about her. {Ha, so a real quick -six degrees of Kevin Bacon- moment, she ended up dating that guy my mom tried to hook me up with before I met Igor [14. Forever & Always] and it didn’t end well for her. Karma?}

I honestly don’t know how it happened or why it stopped just as quickly as it started – but we reconnected shortly after high school and hung out a few times. I’ll have to see if he remembers more about that time. Anyway,  I remember I went bowling with him and his friends (most of whom I hadn’t seen since middle school) and he went to dinner with Mom, [08.Auntie] and I. Auntie always loved him but she had a hard time accepting the new “grown up” -metal-head- version of him. I can’t help but look back and smile thinking about when she asked him, “why?” when she saw his appearance and went on about how he “used to be so cute, why’d he do that to himself?” Ha. They say [out of the mouths of babes (young kids)] but sometimes it’s also [out of the mouths of seniors] – older generations have zero filter with zero fks given!

Outside of the random text/update within either the group chat with my parents, or another group text with my cousin Sara and Jenna [Friendships pt. 2], I -don’t- talk to anyone outside of my household on a daily basis! I used to be much more social but as I’ve gotten older, between motherhood and the pandemic, I have become more of an [absent] friend than ever… I know that my true friends/family understand and I love them more than I could ever possibly express, but I do still feel bad. Friendship is a two-way street, so I am forever grateful for those who accept my absence because they >know< that nothing is wrong, “life happens” and that I am just a phone call or text away, shall they need to talk! That said, we have been texting a little each day and it’s been a great reminder of the friendship we once had! Obviously I don’t expect it to stay an ‘everyday’ thing but it’s fun catching up after 15-16 years!

He doesn’t live in Michigan anymore but is looking to visit this summer. He said I should hold him accountable to make sure we meet up, he’d be sad if we didn’t. Of course, that was {after} I said, “I’d be disappointed, sad and down right pissed if he came to town and we didn’t see each other!” Haha. I know my mom would love to see him; with her infamous need to give everyone a nickname, she picked, “Wanka” for him, naturally. ::shakeshead:: However, I’m actually -really- excited to introduce him to Igor and the boys!! Will and Igor both like to discuss deeper meaning, understanding and theories of things, yet rarely get the chance to with anyone else who’s open minded/can see things from different points of views, without getting offended. They’re both quiet and shy yet I have a feeling this discussion will have them both talking freely and it’ll be great for the both of them!! It’s been over 30 years since we first became friends and I really am grateful for whatever sent me to reach out to him! Thank you Willy for still being you! ::hugs::

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Rapid 100

Today I thought I’d do something different. I really enjoy answering questions / doing surveys, so I thought I’d find a fun questionnaire to answer. Here’s a rapid 100 facts:

1. What are your hobbies? Reading, writing, painting, tarot, tv/movies, and puzzles. 📖📝🎨🃏🎥🧩 

2. Do you collect anything? I used to collect fairies, but now I focus more on pigs, crystals and mermaid stuff. 🧚🏻‍♀️🐷💎🧜🏼‍♀️ 

3. What are you passionate about? Genealogy, writing and self betterment. 🧬📝✨

4. What is your most prized possession? My teddy bear. 🧸

5. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life? Completing my first book challenge and crushing it by 220%! 📚💪🏼

6. What is on your bucket list? A lot but number one is meeting a distant relative in Ireland. 🇮🇪

7. What is your favorite recent memory? Igor baking me my anniversary cake. 👨🏻‍🍳🎂

8. What is your favorite holiday? Halloween! 💀👻

9. Who knows you best? My mother or husband.

10. What skill would you most like to learn? I’d like to become a better painter. 👩🏼‍🎨 

11. Where is the coolest place you traveled? Salem, MA!! 🧙🏻‍♀️

12. Who is your hero? RBG.👩🏻‍⚖️

13. Who is the smartest person you ever met? This is tough, I honestly think my 9yo will grow up to be. 🤓

14. What is one thing that instantly makes your day better? Snuggling Igor or Kellan. (L isn’t a cuddler) 🤗

15. When did you first feel like an adult? I still don’t… 🤷🏼‍♀️🤨

16. Whose opinion do you care most about? I’m learning to make it my own, but Igor’s, too. 💁🏼‍♀️

17. What is the most important decision you have ever made so far? Becoming a mother and choosing between my medication vs. brestfeeding. 🤰🏼🤱🏼

18. Aside from necessities, what one thing could you not go a day without? Something to read! 📖

19. What do you enjoy spending money on? I don’t like spending money, but I enjoy getting things that help me become the best version of myself. ✨

20. What is something that always makes you smile? Puppies.🐶 

21. What are you most thankful for? My miracle baby. 👶🏼

22. What is the greatest challenge or struggle you have ever faced? Being a chronically ill mother to 2 children with their own challenges. ♿️👩‍👦‍👦

23. What is the biggest risk you ever took? Probably publishing my blog. 

24. Tell me your life story in exactly one sentence. I have been {through it all}. 

25. What is the strangest coincidence that ever happened to you? I don’t believe in coincidence. But let’s go with the number 22. [read blog #15.]

26. What is your favorite random fact? In Alabama it’s illegal to tie an alligator to a fire hydrant. 🚫🐊

27. What is your useless talent? Curling my tongue into a w/clover. 

28. What is the strangest food combination you enjoy? Uh.. potato chips on pbj?

29. If you could choose one superpower, what would it be? Telekinesis 🫥

30. What is your strangest irrational fear? Holes. 🕳 Trypophobia is legit, guys! 😫

31. Describe your most eccentric family member. Myself.. and my dad’s cousin Linda. 

32. Have you ever met a celebrity? Yes, Taylor Swift! 😍 

33. What is the craziest thing you ever did on a dare? I honestly have no idea. I did a lot of crazy stuff when I was younger. 🥴

34. What songs are on the soundtrack to your life? This is a really good question that’ll take a lot of reflecting. Maybe I’ll make a whole post about it, I love the idea of it! 🎶 

35. What actor would you choose to play you in your biopic? Joey King or Elizabeth Olsen. 

36. What is your go-to karaoke song? Something by TS I’m sure. Or Spice girls or even Katy Perry. Or Pink. Haha 

37. Create and describe an undercover alias. I’ve been living as someone else for too long. I’m here to be [me]!

38. What is your most random impulse buy? Probably my floral planchette. 

39. What did you do as a teenager that makes you cringe now? Mm.. probably my skatin’ days when I’d leave with friends. 🫣

40. What would your warning label say? Caution, easily broken. ⚠️ 

41. What is your guilty pleasure? Watching Siesta Key. 🌊👙

42. What emoji do you use most often? 🤣👀🤦🏼‍♀️🤯🥰✨

43. A genie grants you the ability to have infinite amounts of one item. What is it? Crystals/gems/rocks 💎🪨 

44. What is your favorite joke? The U.S. healthcare system. 😏

45. What is the best Halloween costume you ever wore? Hands down, my mermaid costume 2020 🧜🏼‍♀️ 

46. What is the most awkward situation you ever found yourself in? This one is hard, I’m not sure. Maybe the time I nearly bumped into my former friend/“sister” as she acted like she didn’t know me, or spending time at my in-laws while Igor drove his grandma home, before we were married. 

47. What is the most ridiculous thing you believed as a child? I saw the tooth fairy in a pink and purple leotard with hairy legs. 🤣🦷🧚🏻‍♀️

48. What is the most outrageous lie you told a child? I was a good kid… 🤷🏼‍♀️

49. What is the dumbest way you injured yourself? Ha. All I have to do is move and I get injured. Probably breaking my foot stepping ON to the couch. ♿️🩼

50. How do you waste time most often? Facebook and SHEIN ; though now that I’m back in “school” I don’t really use Facebook as much. 

51. What do you think would most impress your five year old self? Your 15 year old self? 5 year old self: that my parents are best friends. 15 year old self: I’m fortunate enough to be living the life that I do, with my health.

52. What kind of elderly person do you hope to be? One who looks back at my life without regrets. 

53. What is your favorite website? Canva. 

54. What is your favorite season? Autumn 🍂🍁

55. What book changed your life? Star Girl ⭐️👧🏼 

56. How do you prefer to exercise? Standing up. 😅 No, yoga, cycling, swimming or weighted hula hoop. 🤸🏼‍♀️🚴🏼‍♀️🏊🏻‍♀️

57. What movie do you wish you could watch again for the first time? The SAW series. 🪚🤡

58. What is one story you love to tell, but rarely get the chance? I mean, the chaos that took place on my Wedding day is always fun. 

59. What is one question you wish people would ask you more? I don’t know…🤔Maybe, if I’d give them a reading?🃏

60. What is one question you wish people would ask you less? “How are you feeling?”

61. What was the first concert you attended? The best concert? 1st. Martina McBride and Best, Taylor’s Fearless when I got to meet her. 😍

62. What is your favourite quote?  I love too many but maybe: Luctor et emergo (I struggle but I survive) 

63. What is the last book you read? Haven’t finished yet but F*ckboy Psychos, Scarlett Force #1. 

64. What is the last TV show you binged watched? The Flight attendant. ✈️ 

65. What movie could you quote by heart? Practical Magic, Drop Dead Fred, Sweet Home Alabama, RENT and the Wizard of Oz. 

66. What do you dislike that everyone else seems to like? Cilantro 🌿🤢

67. What do you like that everyone else seems to dislike? Edible lavender. Teas, baked goods, etc.🤤

68. What makes you happiest? The peace of being on/near the water, just listening to nature. 

69. Describe yourself in three words. Empathetic, passionate, fighter.  

70. If given the opportunity, what book would you write? Well I was writing a book but turned it into this blog. 👩🏼‍💻

71. What is your favorite kind of cuisine? Food. Haha, I can’t decide between Italian, Chinese and Mexican. 🍝🥠🌮

72. What is the best meal you have ever eaten? The meal at the French restaurant at the resort on our Honeymoon. 

73. If you won the lottery, what would you do first? Either invest it or get a small lake house. 

74. What is your favorite cocktail? Uh.. I don’t know just give me something fruity.🍹

75. Do you have any tattoos? If not, are there any tattoos you want? I do, I have 5 and am in the process of designing the side piece I’ve wanted for almost 20 years!

76. What are you allergic to? All the usual environmental things, animals, shell fish. But nothing serious or life threatening. 

77. What is your favorite color? Pink and purple. 💕💜

78. What is your favorite animal? Piggies 🐷 

79. Do you have any pets? Currently a cat named Precious. 🐈‍⬛ 

80. Do you have brothers or sisters? I have 1 living brother and 1 👼🏼 

81. When is your birthday? March 10th. 

82. What is the farthest you have traveled from home? Either California or Washington.

83. What is your favorite summer activity? Swimming/being out on the water. 🏊🏻‍♀️ 🛶 

84. What is your favorite winter activity? Ice skating. ⛸ 

85. What is your favorite food? Pizza 🍕, peanut-butter, chocolate 🍫 and ice cream 🍦 

86. If you could choose a new name, which one would it be? When I was younger I loved Harmony but honestly, Jena is really pretty and the spelling is unique. 

87. Who is your favorite superhero? Wolverine, though I loved RDJ’s Ironman 

88. Who is your favorite Disney character? Pua 🐷 (how stinking adorable?!) But really Genie 🧞‍♂️ and Mal! 🔮👩🏻‍🎤

89. What is the best vacation you have ever taken? Our road trip to Salem, MA!! 🧙🏻‍♀️ 

90. What are you afraid of? Igor or I getting really sick and are unable to do the things we’ve always talked about. 💔 My children’s safety. Life without my parents. Annnd Spiders 🕷, ticks and other insects that fly and inflict pain/damage. 🦟🐝 

91. What is your favorite snack? Anything salty 🧂 and crunchy.  Right now I’m on a major Funions kick. 

92. What is your favorite story? Old school story? Cinderella. 👸🏼

93. What is the bravest thing you ever did? Start this blog. 👩🏼‍💻 Annnd submitting a pitch to the Huffington Post. 👀

94. Who is the best cartoon character? Leah from Shimmer & Shine. She’s basically me in cartoon form. 🧞‍♀️✨

95. If you could make one rule for everyone in the world to follow, what would it be? No discrimination or hate. ☮️🚫

96. If you could own any animal as a pet, what would you choose? Uh, a brown and tan cavalier king Charles, duh! 😍

97. What is the coolest thing you ever made? A seashell 🐚 decoration for my mermaid🧜🏼‍♀️ bathroom. 

98. What is your favorite way to spend an afternoon? Taking time to meditate/yoga 🧘🏼‍♀️ , do some tarot 🃏 and be present with nature🌳. 

99. What is your favorite sport? Playing I enjoy ⚾️ ; watching probably 🏈 – except I love watching KB play baseball. Oh, and cheer. 📣

100. What is your favorite song? The Climb 🧗‍♀️

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Expedition to Soul

“who you are is hidden beneath all the LAYERS
of who you were told you should be”
– The Sisters Enchanted

As I’ve mentioned before in [Awakening], I have been on a journey to self-discovery since I spiraled from a severe PMDD breakdown in 2020. I may have come to find myself, for the most part, but I also know that one can never stop working on themselves – especially when it comes to leading/living a life of intention; because by leading with intention in everything you do, it’s easier for you to get to where you want to go. Your intuition grows and understanding what -is- for you and/or -not- for you, gets faster and easier to determine.

This past week I took part in something called, Expedition to Soul, put on by The Sisters Enchanted. Expedition to Soul was a 5 day “quest” to [self]. TSE describes a -quest- as, “a journey toward a specific goal. There are often obstacles that need overcoming and sometimes villains to defeat. Often there are twists and turns along the way that ultimately reveal the truest purpose of the quest.” It kind of reminds me of {The Fool’s Journey} in tarot. The Fool’s Journey is a metaphor for the >journey through life<. Each -major- arcana card stands for a stage on that journey, the phases and trials you’ll face; the experiences that a person must incorporate to realize their wholeness.

Sara Walka, the founder of The Sisters Enchanted, said it best when she said, “Before any great quest, there is the sensation of something building. A call to change, a series of events that primes us for a grand adventure, or a knowing that the next version of you lies on the other side of an expedition to a place yet to be determined.” <- Seriously, truer words have not been spoken, especially when on a self-discovery journey! Going into ETS my intent was to better understand and trust my intuition as well as perceived signs. I knew that I was going to face barriers and boundaries and mapped out what that may have looked like for myself, as a visual. However, as mentioned above, just because I went into this quest thinking one thing, doesn’t mean that was the quest I ended up on.

Day 1 was about reclaiming your energy, cutting the webs attached to everything and anything you’ve ever encountered. Coming back to you, just you – yourself. I never realized how much of my energy was weighed down, connected to everyone and everything else. I mean, I know I’m an empath but I never knew that “recharging” wouldn’t truly revive my energy on its own. The visualization activity was absolutely freeing!! There was an additional healing meditation that I felt was a bust for myself; I woke up shaking and freezing halfway through and planned to revisit the replay later. Although, about a half hour later I fell into an unexpected two hour nap. Clearly my body/mind/spirit wasn’t done with the -healing- aspect from the [botched] meditation and figured out its own way to release whatever it was that was needed. I woke up from that nap feeling as I normally would after a successful session! It was definitely an odd sensation because I’ve never actually woken up midway through a guided meditation before, I felt so energetically sick and off. I was relieved after waking from my nap, feeling as I had expected to feel from the meditation. I do however still plan to revisit the replay and try again.

We were also supposed to take a mini [pilgrimage] if able to. A pilgrimage is typically a journey to someplace of sacred or spiritual significance. However, that location is -your- location, the place YOU feel is sacred or spiritual for yourself. Leading up to this week my goal was always to drive myself to this little beach where I go to recharge. That would have been two [major] steps for me; driving there and going alone! Unfortunately life has a way of keeping you in check. Not only had my car been broken and wasn’t back from the shop until Monday afternoon, it also decided to SNOW here in Michigan, at the end of April, after it was in the 70’s the week before! I then figured I’d try later in the week but unfortunately my youngest was home sick from school Tus-Fri. I made it a >goal< to drive myself to this location and I am-not- giving it up, it’ll just be on my own time instead of during this particular quest!! So instead of getting to the lake, I headed out to my sunroom with a mini heater, because the sunroom has always been my place for {zen} at home. Unfortunately it’s not insulated so it gets too cold during the winter and too hot in the summer to spend full days out there. However, I was reminded this week that I definitely need to spend more time out there on a regular basis!

Day 2 was about assembling your allies and taking the step to be “all in.” The thing about allies though is that [no one] can be a better ally to you, than yourself! I know that may sound ridiculous, especially to those of us who have faced past trauma and often self-sabotage. But see, you needed the past versions of you to bring you to your present self, who is then in charge of shaping what your future versions will look like. Instead of running, hiding, or whatever else you may do to forget your past, you need to embrace it and appreciate it. It may not be easy but it’s necessary in order to become the best version of yourself, though it will definitely require some -shadow- work. I used magazine cut outs to form a collage of who I was, am and want to be. I also used my ‘Heal Yourself Oracle’ deck and chose the cards: Self-Sabotage for my past, Healing and Discover your life’s purpose for present and Phoenix Rising for my future.

We were also tasked with conjuring up a ‘spell’ or ritual  for ourselves to help shed whatever it was that we needed to leave behind, so that we could fully commit to receiving whatever it was that we needed to receive on this quest. Seeing as I am a visual person, I made up a body scrub to help me visualize the [shedding] of whatever it was that was preventing me from being the best version of me that I can be. And let me tell you, I understand why putting different ingredients together and saying some words for intention, while using said mixed ingredients, is considered >witchcraft< …  it was a downright [magical] experience and so, so freeing! Ha. If you don’t want to take my word for it and/or want to try it yourself – here is the ‘spell’ I came up with:

The best me I can be: “Today I bring together my past, present and future selves, to allow myself the courage to rise above and release what’s holding me back, to move forward with joy and prosperity, believing in myself, trusting my intuition and continuing to be the best me I can be. And so it’ll be.”
2 TBs of pink Himalayan salt
2 TBs of sugar
2 TBs of grapeseed oil
Essential oils:
4 drops of Joy
5 drops of Valor (for courage)
2 drops of Rise Above
2 drops of Release
3 drops of Believe
Stirred with a cinnamon stick (for prosperity) 3 times to right for intent while repeating, “and so it’ll be!”

Day 3 we worked on continuing to challenge ourselves despite the discomfort. To  [enter the cave] not knowing what will be on the other side. This is where the shadow work comes in. Everything in life has a light side as well as a dark side, the dark being the shadow. Light is what brings us strength while shadow is what gets in our own way. When it comes to astrology there are always two sides to every sign. There is a WHOLE heck of a lot that goes into astrology when it comes to the different signs, houses, planets, etc. I’m not going to get into it all but one thing to look at when facing your shadow, is your {Moon Sign}. Your Moon Sign is different from your Sun Sign, which is your main sign that you’d look at for your horoscope. And for those who don’t believe in astrology and horoscopes, that’s perfectly okay! I mean, how could everyone born between x and x day have the exact same horoscope, right? They can’t and don’t… which is why I said there is a whole heck of a lot that goes into it, and once you understand your birth chart better it really does then fall in line and make sense.

You have your Sun Sign – your identity, your Moon Sign – the soul behind your identity, and your Rising Sign – your social personality. 
The [Sun Sign] is the essence that you shine out into the world. It is how you answer the question “I am”; how you experience life and express your individuality.
The [Moon Sign] represents your subconscious and is the force behind your emotional reactions. It’s what allows you to feel joy and sorrow, pain and pleasure, and gives you insight on how to restore and nurture yourself.
The [Rising Sign] (also called Ascendant) represents your physical body and outward style, the manifestation of both your inner and outer world.

Horoscopes are just a generalization and not the true root of astrology. Literally everyone, depending on their chart, can have a bit of any sign’s characteristics. Thus is why people often brush off astrology and horoscopes. BUT! Once you understand it better, you may not feel the same skepticism as you once did!! It really is fascinating.

I am a Pisces (Sun) so I am motivated by deep emotional desires and recharge through emotional experiences. <- makes sense given how Day 1 went by reclaiming my own energy. I am a Sagittarius (Moon) so I react to changing experiences with direct action and excitement. I feel the most aligned and balanced when I am expressing confidence, ditching negative self-talk and showing my strength. <- again, SO true; look at where I am today from where I was! And I am a Cancer (Rising) which means that I am sensitive, empathetic and easily influenced by my environment. I approach life by being deeply rooted in my emotional body. <- uh, yah think?! Anyone could have told you that…

Anyway, looking at my signs, focusing on my shadow brings me back to the [dark] side of Sagittarius; and for me that’s seeking experiences and freedom for emotional security. Because Cancer and Pisces feel {so deeply}, I tend to escape, shut down, build a wall and become numb when emotions get to be too much. I subconsciously feel as though I need to run, get out of where I’m at and -do- something, anything, other than be with my feelings, because I am with my feelings all the damn time! Being a double water baby it’s no wonder my heart is on my sleeve! Getting to know and understanding your shadow will show you why you react the way you do in everyday life, you are able to see it for what it is, and gain >control< back for yourself! Rewrite the narrative, you survived x and are stronger because of it.

Day 4 took me some time. I regrettably didn’t finish on time because there was just too much going on, which also set me back for day 5. Just prior to Expedition to Soul there was a 21 day self care challenge that I completed. It was the very first time I have ever completed a challenge, doing every day on its intended day. That was [major] for me, so I did feel a little defeated when I got behind for days 4 & 5. But as I’ve learned and came to realize, with the help of The Sisters Enchanted community, everyone is on their own journey – on their own time!

So day 4 we were asked to do two visualizations (similar to mini meditations). The first one was to envision our future selves. Now that we had done the shadow work, faced the unknown and allowed ourselves to truly feel and be with our emotions. Now that we had worked on understanding the [why] we did certain things, how did we envision using our new ‘tools’ to help us moving forward? Honestly? I fell asleep attempting this one, twice… I was explaining this to my cousin, Sara and she pointed out that I saw myself well rested. Ha. All about perspective, right? However, just prior to falling asleep, and almost every other future visualization I’ve done, I see myself wrapped up in a cozy blanket, on a comfy bench or chair, by the lake at dusk with a mug of something warm to drink. I see us either moving to a smaller town with a smaller, older home right on the water – or we make it a tradition of renting a home and/or AirBnb annually. Being on/near the water has always been my go-to for comfort, my peace, my slice of ‘heaven’. You know, that whole {mermaid} soul and all.

The second visualization was to envision a talisman for yourself, a physical object to remember what this week revealed to you; to have the visual of the intention of where you want to be. Although, it’s not so much about knowing the answer of where you want to be, but rather supporting yourself as you move forward. It’s about the connection to your object. The feeling it gives you, the reminder it gives you, cultivating a way of being. The future visualization was to help us figure out how we [want] to -feel- and this talisman is to represent and remind us of that feeling, to help us get to where we want to be. On day one I was drawn to my raw emerald stone. I have never actually worked with emerald but I couldn’t put it down. That night I placed it on my nightstand and it stayed there all week. The second I started the visual activity the image of my emerald stone on my nightstand came to mind. As I continued listening to the guided visualization, it kept popping back into my mind. I knew then that this stone was meant for this quest and the perfect thing for a talisman!

Except, it didn’t feel complete. As I continued the visualization an old antique key came to mind. It reminded me of when I first fell in love with old houses, on the water. My grandfather had rented a house on the water one summer. That was the first time I saw a real {skeleton key} and have been fascinated by antique keys since! <- DUH! Of course an old key goes with the emerald – it’s literally a perfect combo for this specific talisman and this particular quest! But, what do I tie them together with? It only took a second and my heart (intuition?)  knew exactly what was needed. Growing up I took my -baby blanket- with me quite literally everywhere! My > Te-Te <! As the years went on and it started falling apart, both of my parents put away a piece knowing that one day I would want it as a keepsake. Obviously being the sentimental water baby that I am, that is as much a ‘duh’ as is [fuck yeah]! My Te-Te was everything to me, as well as my Teddy from [08. Auntie]. Until I almost lost Teddy on my honeymoon, that bear went on every vacation with me! I cut a piece of my Te-Te and wore it as an anklet at my wedding, so it is -only- fitting that I used some string from the “blanket” to secure my emerald to the old key!

Day 5 was reflecting on the week as well as learning the Five I’s, and seeing how we actually used them over the past 5 days. The Five I’s are TSE’s five steps towards having a “magical, intentional, soul-led life”. You start with your Intention. Then you Integrate your intentions into your current selves and lives. Next comes Insight from doing the hard (shadow) work by looking deep within to what’s blocking you. Then you Ideate by piecing together the different ideas and concepts you want for yourself and creating a way to ‘enchant’ your everyday life. Which then brings us to Intuit, using your intuition to know what is best for you and your own lives. The more you use the Five I’s the easier it’ll get to see what’s right for you and you’ll be able to live without unnecessary guilt. The >real< you is often hidden behind all of the -layers- of who you were led to believe you [should] be.

One of my biggest takeaways from working with The Sisters Enchanted is that it’s okay to want more, it’s okay to step into your authenticity, and it’s okay to do life differently! Initially I wanted ETS to help me better understand and trust my intuition and perceived signs. Originally as the week went on I didn’t think that was happening. But as I sat there reflecting I realized that maybe it did to some extent… I still don’t completely understand but I start to feel this excited flutter in my chest when I think of certain things, almost as though it’s my body showing me the [Queen of Wands] yelling, “yaaassss girl!!” If anything I am noticing my confidence and belief in myself because I can feel the possibilities out there. I am no longer feeling caged or defined by my health. I am just so happy and filled with excitement for what’s to come. All week as I took the time to work on my quest I lit the same candle reciting, “this is for my health, happiness and being the best me FOR me!” I finished my quest by dancing it out to Katy Perry’s “Roar” with my new affirmation:
{I am NO longer holding myself back!}

Onward!

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Twice Exceptional

“If you have an argumentative or defiant child be proud that they: are practising skills for becoming a confident leader; feel safe enough to express their views; often have advanced reasoning and logic skills; and are passionate about their points of view.” 
– Dr. Lucy Russell

Twice Exceptional, or 2E, is a term used to describe gifted children with the potential for high achievement, while also dealing with neurodivergent disabilities. Some of these disabilities may include specific learning disabilities (SpLD), speech and language disorders, emotional/behavioral disorders, physical disabilities, autism spectrum, or other impairments such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)”

Both of my kids are considered 2E. They are both gifted but have different “disabilities”. <- I use quotes there because for some reason calling these “disabilities” makes my skin crawl! Leighton lightly falls on the ASD spectrum, has extreme ADHD with behavioral outbursts and severe anxiety. Where as Kellan has dealt with severe speech articulation/phonological process disorders. I myself am 2E but you know, like I was told in school, “Your IQ level is too high. It may be hard for you but you’ve learned a way to overcompensate and make it work.” [07. Ode to my Mentors] In the link above it even mentions that “giftedness is often overshadowed by disabilities, or these students may be able to mask or hide their learning deficits by using their talents to compensate.” – Yup, that was me. And the struggle was real!

I am SO thankful that we have the pediatrician that we do, as well as are in the school district that we are. SO far – they have done a great job meeting the kids’ needs! Kb has an actual iep from early intervention but we haven’t needed to set one up for Leighton, yet. I’m sure the day will come, esp. with middle school around the corner and all the added stressers that brings. He will be 9 when he starts 5th grade, is currently supposed to ride the middle school bus to 6th for math before being bussed back to elementary – but he’s taking a placement test and may end up in 7th grade for math insead. My 9 year old in a classroom of 12-13 year olds? Idfk about that!!

Having a gifted child has its challenges. As does having a neurodivergent child. Add the two of them together? I don’t think anyone could understand unless they themselves have experienced it. And even then, each child is different but there is definitely a deeper level of understanding among 2E parents. I didn’t realize how much more difficult it was until I met another 2E parent! I am SO [thankful] for her and luckily our boys are the same age! Unfortunately they are in a different school district and haven’t been as fortunate with accommodations. 🙁 BUT! Michigan is a ‘school of choice’ state and luckily for her son, he’ll be attending a different school next year where he’ll hopefully get the chance to thrive! ::fingerscrossed:: I honestly can’t wait to hear how it goes because it’s not only for gifted children, it’s a public school and therefore – FREE!! We have looked into private schools for Leighton, but figure elementary school is more for his -social- needs and we’ll see how the district does in middle school. We just can’t see paying tens of thousands of dollars for elementary school. Hell, I don’t know how we’ll do it, shall he need it at all, especially if they both do! It’s ridiculous how much getting an education costs, and don’t even get me started on college…

Leighton has been nothing but go, go, go since before he was born! He has always had his own timeline, it just so happens to be way beyond his years – an [old soul] as they say. He came out screaming and never stopped. Kidding, kind of. ::notkidding:: My pregnancy with him was hell! I was nearly bedridden the whole time. At 6 months I was hospitalized for a week due to my kidneys being taken over by stones; literally – doc said he’d never seen it so bad and it took me the next 3 years to pass them all. (Ha, just like my gallbladder. By the time I had emergency surgery to remove it, it was only working at 1%; usually they try to remove them if they’re only working around 25%! The surgeon took pictures because he had never seen anything like it. Yay me! ::MoreLikeWhyMe::) When I was 33 weeks pregnant my resting heart rate, while lying down, was in the 160s! That alone was hell! Luckily I didn’t have to suffer too much longer as Leighton decided he was done waiting to be born. At 35 weeks, 5 days he made his debut at 6lbs 11oz & 19.5in.

I had a really hard time adjusting as a new mom, as Leighton never slept more than 15 minute increments during the newborn stage. I also had a c-section and wasn’t cleared to do the stairs regularly until 12 weeks, so I either slept on the couch or a blow up mattress. He was hospitalized at 4 months due to RSV and his lungs have since been compromised and prone to developing pneumonia easily. He had such severe reflux (as well as a severe gag reflex) that he basically lived in a bib for the first year and a burp cloth became a permanent fixture upon my shoulder. Two different gastroenterologists suggested Eosinophilic Esophagitis (EE), which is an allergic condition that happens in the esophagus; the esophagus becomes inflamed and does not contract properly. It can get narrowed and develop rings or abscesses. [Sidetrack: I find irony in the two E’s] He was diagnosed as failure to thrive twice but after getting scoped even his GI doc was surprised that he did not show signs of EE!! Due to his gag reflex and top lip tie he couldn’t latch well for breastfeeding, so I exclusively pumped for 4 month and used special bottles that mimicked the breast, in hopes that he’d be able to latch one day. Which he did around 4 months and I nursed him for 15.5 months! Around a year old he wasn’t handling table food and ended up in OT for eating. Turns out his tongue was underdeveloped. At 12 months he experienced his first involuntary “breath holding spell”. A month later he experienced another but it was unlike any other he’d experience going forward. Let me tell you, having to give your own child CPR to then witness a seizure is without question one of the scariest moments you’ll ever encounter!

Involuntary breath holding spells are apparently a common phenomenon. Except, Leighton always has to go above and beyond and happened to be the worst case his pediatrician has ever encountered, as well as the neurologist’s. [Yes, we are that -(un)fortunate- to have such terrible luck, and no, I am not exaggerating when I tell you something was the “worst” according to our doctors.] There are usually tips and tricks you can do to get your child to breathe again, such as: blowing in their face/mouth, spritzing them with water, a loud toy (squeaky) noise – kind of like a shock to bring them out of it. Leighton however, never came to before passing out. Once he was going into a spell, literally nothing worked until he [came to] after losing consciousness. Kellan had his first episode when he was 3 months and let me tell you, his spells were so much worse than Leighton’s {in the moment}, however, I can count on my hands the number of times it happened to Kb. Leighton? Leighton was having episodes upwards of 10x a day+!

Any 2E parent knows how explosive their child’s behavior can get. The kid knows what they want but are too young to emotionally regulate logic. Leighton knew his alphabet, [both] upper and lower cases, by 18 months old. I don’t share that as a brag, I share that to give you an understanding of how mentally a head he was, while still barely being a toddler. Emotional development is still something he’s working on at 9 1/2; and it’s exhausting to say the least! So, we had to give in to him and try our best to not upset him, because he could flip like a switch and end up turning blue and passing out. It was terrifying to experience but after a while it became so normal that I didn’t even fret or try to prevent it. No use stressing over it knowing there really wasn’t anything I could do.

The neurologist discovered that his brain ferritin iron levels were low. He had to have special iron panel tests monthly because normal blood work showed normal levels. Yeah – getting a toddler’s blood drawn monthly is as wonderful of an experience as you’d imagine… ::SideEyesofSarcasm:: Treatment? Straight up liquid iron twice a day. Bleh, I legit gag just thinking back to those days! I really wish I would have written down some of the recipes because, I made some bomb smoothies back then to mask the flavor and get his nutrients in!! That was the -only- way I could get the iron into him, twice a day, and even then it took a while to find what really worked to hide that horrifying taste!! We went from 10+ times a day for a few months, to maybe 10 times a month for about the next 9 months. As he got older they slowed and his last one happened when he was about 3 ½ . Only then he replaced passing out with throwing up. His outbursts mimicked The Exorcist, each and every time, until he was about 7. There was no reasoning with him, he’d get so fixated that we couldn’t talk to him. There were times it truly felt that our child was possessed, it was so bad! We don’t believe in physical punishment but there were times it was [hard] to control the desire to just shut him up!

JUST as covid shut everything down, he was supposed to start therapy. Then no one would do virtual visits with him alone because he was only 7. It took a LONG time to finally find someone, and that was only after I was in contact with the school’s social worker a -few- times, practically begging. She finally made it possible because she personally felt that, [and I quote from her email] “a more intensive intervention may be more beneficial for him” instead of her doing Zoom calls with him. Uhm, I am aware he needed “more intensive intervention” but no one would take him on. That’s why I turned to the school’s social worker… for her to just say, {yeah, no.} We may have gotten him in but she could only see him every other week. Once in 14 day was not nearly enough. How can he learn proper coping skills from a professional if said skills couldn’t be reinforced regularly? Trust me lady, I’ve tried and suggested it all. When you’re dealing with a 2E child, with his level of ADHD and Anxiety, we as parent’s need help, too! She did give me a compliment that I have been doing everything right so that was reassuring but, man. It got to the point it felt like we were wasting time and money because she never got to see the [true] Leighton until the very -last- visit! He is so good at masking himself in public, which is that much more frustrating. I understand that this is his home, his safe space, but for us to be constantly met with the behavior we were, the “I don’t knows” and “I can’ts” for every excuse, we were at a total loss.

I -know- how hard it is for him living the way that he is. He hates it! He’s made remarks that he doesn’t “want to live like this.” And while I certainly don’t blame him, as a parent, that’s a very real, very scary thing to hear!! Igor and I have always been concerned about his mental health, especially as he gets older, which is again why we tried getting him help early. The kid would piss himself without giving any fks and would stay in his clothes. He legitimately didn’t care. He also never takes responsibility for himself, everything is always someone else’s fault. He even disassociates his brian/body from himself. “It wasn’t his fault, it’s his brain’s fault.” ::jiminyFreakingcrickets:: She obviously couldn’t tell us what they discussed, but she was very serious in that he [knows] what he’s doing! She didn’t believe that he really needed therapy at that point because until he is willing to listen, and {want} to change the way things are, there is no point. He is so black and white that if you say the -wrong- thing, he no longer listens to what you’re saying until he can correct you, and then claims he was never told xyz. She doesn’t believe that he wants things to be different bad enough, otherwise he’d be making the effort. Of course she wasn’t trying to tell us how to parent, but that he is [stable/safe?] enough for us to start “cracking the whip”, figuratively speaking.

So yeah, one of the fun things we learned about 2E children is that they are – MaSteR- >manipulators<!! Don’t get me wrong, they still struggle which is why he is medicated. BUT! They understand their conditions enough to know how to use them to their advantage. And let me tell ya, it’s been a fucking exhausting 9 ½ years!!!

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19. No Frenemies Here

“Friendship can be found in the most unlikely places if you’re willing to open your heart.”
– Lisa Currie

In [18. This Ain’t a Fairytale] I mentioned that while I didn’t care that Kevin had lied to me, I did ultimately end up caring in the end for reasons you wouldn’t expect.

Somewhere in the earlier months of 2009, I received an instant message from someone I never expected. Someone I genuinely hated at one point in time. I mean, I named my Mom’s deformed guppies (the ones that were so inbred they looked like the letter S) after this person… ::cringes:: – Hey, I was young and upset and feel terrible now looking back, while still finding it a bit hilarious because this person ended up becoming one of my really good friends. You know the friendships where you can go months, even years without really speaking or seeing one another and it’s as if -no- time has passed at all, you’re still just as connected? Who knew that a friendship like that could blossom out of the ashes of prior circumstances!?! 

The instant message I received was asking about the last time I had spoken to Kevin, as he apparently had saved photos of me on his computer. At this point Igor and I were back together and I didn’t know when I last spoke to him, but was honest about that previous fall. This conversation led to a luncheon to discuss everything. A luncheon with someone I’d easily have put money down in favor of never happening. I suppose it’s a good thing I don’t gamble, right?

If you haven’t figured out who I’m talking about yet, meet Kim; the girl who initially came between Kevin and I, and ultimately the cause of the final collapse of mine and Kevin’s friendship all together. 

See, when Kev first started texting me while I was in Seattle (that previous August), he and Kim were still together. And I knew that. At first we were just catching up, that then led to reminesting and [innocent] flirting. However, flirting with someone knowing that they are in a relationship, no matter how “innocent” it may seem, is >never< okay and I fully admit my wrong doing!! At the time though I really didn’t care because, well, it was Kevin and I certainly wasn’t a Kim fan to begin with. As time went on his texts weren’t as innocent, with follow up replies such as, “What Mama don’t know won’t hurt.” – Yeah, no, I put off hanging out.

Knowing our history, I didn’t want to be in a situation where feelings took over, taking things too far while he was in another relationship. Because, in order of staying truthful I have to admit that it wouldn’t have been the first time, and I swore to him I wouldn’t be that girl again. Not after what I went through with Christopher. [13. Survivor] I couldn’t be the cause of that type of pain for someone else, no matter what my feelings were towards them! Kev and I were magnets to one another, like an addiction; he was my drug and it was easier(safer?) just maintaining distance. Neither of us had the control to stop things in the past and by allowing that to happen, it sent him down that type of path for future relationships. <- Though I do not take blame for that, his actions were(are) his own; I was just the beginning. I don’t know what really went down between them for him to tell me they broke up, but he was very convincing which is why I finally agreed to hanging out…

He was back living with his parents; talk about deja vu! Though, I have to admit it felt damn good hearing how excited his mother was when she -thought- she heard my voice, only to come running with open arms like a giddy school girl who hadn’t seen their best friend in a week! His mom and I had a special bond, she used to tell me to come by for a drink or just to hang out even when Kev and I weren’t together. Of course I never took her up on it, but it was nice knowing she still cared about me! When my mom moved I came across a VHS of his kindergarten graduation that must have gotten lost in the shuffle of day to day, way back when. I mailed it to her with a note expressing how as a mother myself, I know how special these memories are and that it was only right that she get it back. I never heard anything so I can only hope she actually received it, ha. ::crossesfingers::

As I said, we were magnets towards one another, or rather a moth to a flame may be a more accurate metaphor. We were just hanging out, laughing and the next thing I knew he leaned over and kissed me. And like I admitted in [18. This Ain’t a Fairytale] ‘I was in total shock. And confused. Oh, so, so confused!’ He sat back and apologized. I smiled and told him it was fine; not a big deal, only for him to then lean in again…oy. Based on what I mentioned above, how was it that it ended there? I’d like to say maturity but in truth I honestly don’t know what would have happened had I not received a phone call, pulling me back into reality. ::FaceMeetHandsHidingInShame:: That phone call? That phone call was the source of my utter confusion at that moment. Why? Because it was Igor asking if he could stay over. He had just finished soccer, was really tired and didn’t think he’d make the hour+ drive back home safely. Obviously I couldn’t say no to that, no way would I be the cause of him risking his safety! So, Kevin and I awkwardly said our goodbyes and I headed home.

Oooookay, fast forward to that luncheon with Kim… When she told me that her and Kevin had still been together, [girl code] set in! She didn’t deserve it, she needed to know the truth. Even if that meant risking and losing someone who was quite literally in my life from ages 8-21. It could also once again be synchronicity that I was forthcoming because by doing so, it was the final fall for Kev and I. Whether I knew it {sub}consciously or not, telling Kim everything was for the best, as it allowed for that [major] chapter in my life to finally come to an end! As much as I loved him, our relationship was toxic and it took me a long time to see it. 

She didn’t know the extent of our relationship, just that I was the ‘ex-girlfriend’. All of my -hatred- for her wasn’t her fault; she was just as in the dark in the beginning as I was at the end. Sitting there that day, I came to realize what an incredible person she really was! She never once blamed me and from that day forward, she was who’s side I was on. It took her some time to really see the toxicity of their relationship as well, but ultimately she found the right guy!! It’s amazing how life works out – to go from hating someone to becoming such good friends you attend each other’s weddings? I honestly never would have thought it possible! Obviously she too falls under the “after high school most noteworthy” from [Friendships pt. 2] but -our- story required so much more to be explained. 

After I first went public with my blog she messaged me in awe over my strength to tell my story. As a social worker she knows how hard it is speaking your truth and expressed how proud of me she was. She also admitted that the [09. First Love] post put her in “all kinds of feels” stating: “I am so sorry I caused so much pain for you at that time! I had no idea. But I will NEVER forget meeting you for the first time for lunch at Max and Ermas. ❤️ There will always be this beautiful connection and bond with us and I’m so grateful for how sweet and kind and embracing you were to me, when you had absolutely no reason to be.”

The thing is, she’s right, I had absolutely no reason to be but you know what? She also has absolutely >nothing< to apologize for!!! I am so grateful for our friendship and the strength we both developed leaning on one another for support! Like the quote above says, friendship really -can- be found in the most unlikely of places!

**Love & miss you, Kimmy! Let’s get the boys out on their first boat ride this summer & maybe even teach them to fish! I know you’re the girl to call! 😉 Maybe they’ll even be lucky enough to find an owl ring for themselves, haha!**

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18. This Ain’t a Fairytale

“I’m a hopeless romantic and I believe that you can find love in many different places and be very conflicted. I’ve discovered as I’ve grown up that life is far more complicated than you think it is when you’re a kid. It isn’t just a straightforward fairytale.”
– Rachel McAdams

I left off with Igor and I, having the most amazing NYE entering into 2009. <3 [16. Year One] The next morning? Let’s just say… there were earthshattering bombs upon my heart, when revelations came to light. Remember when I had said that we had both been keeping some things to ourselves? Yeah, mine had come out earlier but Igor probably would have kept his to himself even longer, had he not [slipped] and said something that led to more questions and prying of answers. You know when you catch someone guilty of something and they don’t know how to respond because they don’t want to lie but also don’t want to talk about it? We entered into that exact type of situation.

Turns out, “Mr. I’m Not Looking To Date” had actually been on a [few] dates just within the 2-3 months prior. ::boom;heartbreak:: all the while I believed we were getting closer, especially after seeing Wicked. Talk about having your cake and eating it, too (at the expense of your “best friend”)! I walked away from him and locked myself in the bathroom and just bawled my eyes out. I have no idea how long I was actually in there but, homeboy stayed in my room the entire time. When I was composed enough and able to, I kicked him out. I told him that I was so thrown, shocked, not to mention the feelings of betrayal. It was too much! I expressed that, at that point in time, I didn’t know if we could even be friends. I needed him to go and leave me alone. To give me a few weeks and maybe then I’d be able to talk. At least I wasn’t the only one in tears as he walked out the door. I’m glad he felt bad because I didn’t deserve being treated like that!!

So what was I keeping to myself? The fact that Kevin [09. First Love] started texting me again while I was in Seattle. Him and that girl who came between us were ‘broken up’ and it felt nice having the distraction for the both of us. However, by mid-late November I came forward with the truth when I -thought- Igor and I were legitimately becoming something more serious again. Kevin had kissed me and it left me in a total mind fk. In fact, my [Dear Cuz] post – she is who I called right after I got home because I was in total shock. And confused. Oh, so, so confused! Like, I was madly in love with Igor but this was Kevin. It had -always- been Kevin… >prior< to meeting Igor that is. So, that’s when I came forward and told him. I felt it was only fair that he knew the truth because we were technically still “broken up” but our relationship was so much more. However, I needed to know if it was finally time to let him go and allow myself to continue talking to someone I had over 12 years of history with!

Wouldn’t you think that would have been the perfect time to confess about his talking to other women and actually going on a few different dates? I mean, you’d think so, right? No, but you see, it was shortly after my honesty of Kevin kissing me that the Wicked tickets were presented to me. This time, it seemed as though my ‘doing the right thing’ by telling the truth of kissing another guy was in my favor. I stopped communicating with Kevin the way we had been and put the friendship boundary back up. Joke was on me though, apparently Kev and his girlfriend had been fighting but never actually broke up. From Aug. – Nov. I was being played by 2 different guys I had loved so deeply. By the time I had found out about Kev, Igor and I were actually back together and I honestly didn’t care. It was a nice distraction and familiar comfort. Although, I -did- end up {caring} but not for the reasons you would think… In fact, you’ll likely be shocked when I finally explain why that is, I know most of my friends and family were! Ha.

Okay, back to my Isgees. Not talking to him that second day destroyed me. How could just 2 nights ago have been one of the best nights we’d ever had? Laughing until our bellies hurt from playing the game Mad Gab. Such unspoken love (hell, even verbally expressed love) and connection from just a simple touch or eye contact. I had been through some shit [13. Survivor], but this one hurt more than anything else. By day three I couldn’t take it and sent him a text. Just 2 simple words as a reminder of the fun we had NYE: “mash ews”. He replied with a smiley face and “good imes”. <-not a typo, ‘imes’ is correct. That was that. I think we spoke once on the phone around day 5 or 6 for just a few minutes but that was the last time we spoke until day 10. To go from talking multiple times a day, every day, to once in almost 2 weeks. Yeah, it sucked!! 

January 10th, 2009 – Michigan decided to have a sweet ice storm unexpectedly. While it snowed, a lot, nothing really accumulated, just made for terrrrrible driving conditions. I mention this because I recieved what seemed to be an [urgent] phone call from Igor, wondering if I had anything going on that day, seeing if he could come over. That he -had- to talk to me!! He lived in White Lake at the time, which is a sold 30-40 minutes on a good day, depending on time of day. I obviously asked him if he was crazy because there was >no way< I would want him driving in those conditions, especially given the distance!! I told him I appreciated it but that we’d talk another day.

But see, the thing about Mom’s house was that the door was always open for those to come in. Rarely did someone knock on the door and wait to be let in, once they’ve been given the permission of just coming and going. Seeing as how often Igor had been staying over, that same “rule” had always applied to him.  A little over an hour after hanging up with him, Mom and I had one heck of a scare when Tanner (my dear beloved pup [rip]) barked and quickly ran to the door. Low and behold: Igor P. (<- Soo quick funny story; P. is not even his initial. Mom had come across this website that listed likely known family members and we were just putzing around one evening. In looking up Igor, everything associated with his family,  his correct age, old addresses – everything was listed as Igor P. It quickly became a joke/nickname for years to come. BUT!! The best part? We have actually gotten mail for “Igor P.” and I about die laughing every time! Haha.)

I was shocked! Excited but also… mad. I had so many feelings but ultimately I was happy to see him; I really did miss him. So whyy did he find it absolutely necessary to head over during an ice storm? What was SO urgent that he couldn’t wait? He made plans for us to go ice skating. He had even planned on stopping to get flowers but the roads were worse than he thought and decided not to take that extra time/risk. Huh? I had been talking about wanting to go ice skating for a while at that point and he had never been. I myself had only been once years prior with an old friend. I loved it and always wanted to go again. He found a place that had open skate not too far from Mom’s house and wanted to take me. I repeat, huh?! I was so confused, you could tell he was nervous, I didn’t really know what to think at that point. I asked him why and didn’t he initially want to talk? Like, I just told you less than 2 weeks ago I didn’t even know if I could be your friend, to give me time and yet here you are with this grand gesture? WTF is going on?!!

We sat down in the livingroom where he proceeded to tell me that the past 10 days were hell for him. The thought of me not being a part of his life was not a feeling he ever wanted to face again. During the days of not talking he had a lot of time to reflect on the past 10 months and realized that he had -never- been happier in his life. That I have brought out the best in him, saw him for who he really was, respected him, opened his eyes to a world he never imagined with feelings he never knew were possible. When he pictured his future – all of the good, the bad, the adventures, the day to day of daily life, [ I ] was who he saw beside him. I was the person he knew >without a shadow of doubt<, the person meant to be in his life, {for good}!! He was very naive and inexperienced at first and it took him time to see that. This was the first real big decision he made for [himself] that he no longer allowed his parents’ thoughts/feelings to have any influence over. It was -me- he loved. It was -me- he wanted. It was -me- that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. So, if I could find it in my heart to forgive him, he wanted to right his wrongs and officially be together again. ::CueTearsJustThinkingAboutIt:: I accepted his apology and we had an incredible time ice skating.

Now I can say: “from that day forward they lived happily ever after. <3”

Well, in terms of being together at least. Life’s a rollercoaster and happiness isn’t [always] the feeling of the moment, but together we’ll ride the ride until the end, hand in hand.

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Dearest Cuz…

“Accept the fact that some people didn’t intend to let you down. their best is just less than you expected.”
– Thema Davis

This entry is taking a little break from the norm. It is a more personal letter to someone, should they ever cross its path. It will come across as very vague to you unless you know the story, which respectfully is not my story to tell. I may have the new found confidence to blog (or pitch an article to the Huffington Post <- yeah; about that::NervousSideEyes:: ) but I just don’t have what it takes to send this letter myself, atm. I just needed to get it out.

Dearest Cuz,

I have so many things to say and no idea where to begin. It’s probably why I haven’t written to you yet. I’ve been told that I should share my feelings but I have been too bitter. Hurt. Angry. And probably even in denial over the sadness.

What could I possibly say that hasn’t been said before? What could I possibly say that won’t piss you off because you’re tired of hearing about it? What could I possibly say to keep your attention, to read through the anger that may arise? How about my feelings? Will my sharing my -own- feelings [matter enough] for you to “hear it again” but from a different angle? Enough to push past and actually get to the other side of what I need to say? I do certainly hope so, as I believe you have been terribly mistaken about things.

I know that you need help and have emotional issues to work through. I don’t say this bluntly to be harsh, I say it because it’s true; it needs to be said. I love you. I always have and always will, but I have a lot of feelings over various things that do tie together, while at the same time being entirely different. I know as with an addict, mental health also falls in the realm of, “you can’t help them until they’re ready to help themselves.” You are not well. I know you know this, but I also know that you’re not willing to do [everything] you can to actually get the help you need. I just pissed you off, didn’t I? I’m okay with that because it’s the truth. You claim you have tried, you claim that nothing will ever work, you claim that by moving forward you are sacrificing your own mental health. You used to also claim that family meant everything to you and that you would do anything for your family. Let me ask you… if one of those claims can change, why can’t the others?

Your own mental health is very important, I completely respect and validate that! I -know- that you are not well, but where I struggle to understand is why you have alienated yourself due to your own false narratives? Yes, I know mental health is complicated but by creating your own misconceptions, you’re not only hurting others, you’re hurting yourself that much more!! You didn’t give others the chance to be Switzerland, therefore it is not fair to play the victim! I was one of the “others” that you made the decision for. And it hurt. It still hurts. The hurt led to anger, and not addressing it allowed the anger to grow beyond myself and my own feelings. You made that choice, you caused it to happen.

Growing up we were like best friends. In fact, it was me and our relationship that your inpatient therapist believed was vital for your mental health. That you needed me in your life to get better. You were a member of my birthday party, yet you haven’t wished me a “happy birthday” in 5 years. The only time I ever hear from you (which is literally less than once in a blue moon) is when you’re complaining or need my help with something. Even then, never once do you ask how I or the boys are doing. I heard that my vague FB status, that just so happened to be on your wedding day, really hurt you. I won’t deny that it was about your wedding, but let it be known that it had >nothing< to do with -anyone or anything else- other than ::my own:: hurt feelings by you. Given how close we always were growing up, finding out that you had found your wedding dress via a Facebook status update, stung. Hard. And then to not even be invited to your wedding? Oh man, I can’t even hold back the tears as I’m writing this. I understand you were having something small, but not including me? I can’t even…

So yeah, I did write the following: “I’m too nice to actually follow through with whatever petty ideas cross my mind. I so badly want to act on them but I can’t bring myself to stoop to that level. So, this is my passive aggressive way of saying today is going to be haaaard keeping my mouth shut. But I’ll do it…”  I apologize that you were upset, but imagine if I actually told you my feelings that day; because by that point, the hurt and devastation left me with such anger that I had to say something. I never meant to cause any hardship on your “big day”, which is exactly why I left it so vague.

Where does this leave us now? I don’t know. I don’t know how to fix what has been broken when the piece that broke away doesn’t want to be mended. I’m here if you do ever decide to take that step, and of course I wish you well. By writing this letter, I release the sadness you’ve brought upon me.

All of my best through love and light,
– Jena

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17. Strangers

“It’s sad when friends become enemies. but whats even worse is when they become strangers.”
– Hayley Williams

Have you ever had so much you wanted to say to someone but just couldn’t bring yourself to say it; wondering what the point would even be? I have contemplated writing a letter or email for years but I was still in the grieving process, the anger, the hurt, the confusion. Kind of like my letter to Marion [10.Twin Flame] when she disappeared; but something she told me when we reconnected was that she “consciously chose to do so”. Which is true – when someone stops talking to you without explanation [ghosting] and you’ve tried conveying your feelings just to be met with silence or “I don’t know what to tell you” [gaslighting] – that’s on them, an actual choice they made themselves. Friendships come and go all throughout your life and unfortunately not all friendships are meant to last. People come into your life for a reason when you need them, for whatever reason, and exit when the time is right. Sometimes it’s just mutual disconnect and growing apart, other times it’s out of nowhere and one sided. And yeah it hurts like hell when that happens but honestly, it’s their loss! Sadly I guarantee that everyone has experienced something along those lines a time or two+x and it (always) leaves you insecure, wondering what you did. Am I Right? But here’s the thing, [you] didn’t do anything!!

If someone walks away without explanation and completely ghosts you, they themselves have their own issues to work through. Which, okay that’s fine I can accept, but where I find xtreme annoyance (even anger) is when they’re hypocrites, as they themselves have been through it and needed (your) comfort over how much it hurt. Isn’t the {golden rule} to -treat others- the way -you- want to be treated?! If you didn’t like the way someone treated you, why do the same thing to someone else? Oh, that’s right, people only truly care about themselves. My bad! <- Obviously not everyone, but if the pandemic has done anything, it’s shown people’s true colors of straight up selfishness!

So where does this leave me? I was initially just going to write a straightforward letter and leave it here but then I realized that I actually had two people to write about. I planned to leave the letter with the thought that maybe one day they’d come across it. While the other I was going to give the nitty gritty. I think that I’ll save the letter for another entry and discuss a loss that really cut deep, leaving awkwardness in its wake…

Pattie could have gone under both childhood friends and friendships pt 2. We met when I was 11 and she was 21. She was a waitress at one of the restaurants [08. Auntie] and I frequented oh so often. Over the years she became like an older sister to me and another niece to Auntie, she was family. I saw her more than I saw most of my real family, let’s be honest. I mean, she shared pictures of her breast reduction right there while sitting in a booth next to me. Haha.

For my 14th birthday my friends and I had dinner at her restaurant even though she worked day shifts. She surprised me and brought me a beautiful watch for a gift. She was also a cheerleader in high school [06. HS/Diagnosis] so when I had my very first game, she showed up in the stands with a really cute megaphone lamp for me. When I turned 16 she had someone dress up in the restaurant’s mascot costume and dance around singing happy birthday to me – nothing to be embarrassed about, right? Yeah… I was probably just as red as the costume! She came over while I was getting ready for prom. Her sister and I were 20 & 18 at the time, so she made sure the club we went to for her bachelorette party would allow us in. Igor was in Israel at the time so she took me out for my 21st birthday, bought my first legal drink and bottle of wine. It was funny because by that time she was the manager so when I [didn’t] get carded she was pissed even though we weren’t at her restaurant. At the bar afterwards she made a comment loud enough about being sure to show the bartender my I.D., as he too wasn’t about to ask.<- I don’t know how I should take that? Though I was carded at 32 so I’ll call it even. I was at her wedding and then baby shower for her to then be at my wedding and baby shower. In fact, she even came over the morning of my wedding for a quick hug while I was getting ready. Once I was pregnant she gave me tons of maternity clothes and after finding out I was having a boy, she brought me almost a complete wardrobe from her son. She made the desserts and smash cake for Leighton’s first birthday and brought him back a stuffed animal from Disneyworld when her family went for Christmas. The last time I saw her, in terms of actually hanging out and being you know, friends – was January 2014 when my 9 ½ year old was only 16 months.

So how did we go from her being a part of every major event in my life to [>nothing<]? That’s a damn good question!!! However, here’s the hypocrisy. Her Maid-of-Honor and best friend [ghosted] her! She wrote her a letter and it was brushed off. There must be a MoH curse as it happens far too often. I mean, Marion was mine. However, I’d like to think I broke that curse for Lauren’s wedding [02. Dad & 11. Childhood Friendhsips+] but then again, I was her Matron-of-Honor, not maid. And I’ll be a matron again in my cousin Sara’s – so we’re all good. Oh, speaking of Lauren’s wedding; I know I explained in [02. Dad] that one of the two most memorable fights we had growing up was when she threw a handful of panty liners at me, while simultaneously yelling at me to, “eat pads!” ::classic:: I had already written my speech before she asked me if I was going to include that, I wasn’t. However, what she didn’t know was that I had two panty liners (the same old school, folded up in pink wrapping, like she used 20 years prior) closed in my hand while I was giving my speech. Then at the very end, I ended with, “I only have one more thing to say… Lauren – I love you and please do me a favor… eat pads!” and returned the favor of throwing them in her face. It. Was. The. Best!! Obviously only a select few understood why I did it, but she held it together, not letting herself cry, until that moment. It was probably one of the best ideas I’ve ever had. Haha. Anyway, sorry for randomly going off subject, ADHD is fUn my friends!

Pattie’s son’s 4th birthday was that February and the first of his birthdays that I wasn’t invited to. Her excuse was because the kids invited were older and doing dino digs in sand, she didn’t want us to feel uncomfortable with Leighton so young. Um, okay? Shouldn’t that have been my choice? You’d think she’d give me that option considering how close we were. I really didn’t understand and was hurt. However, Igor mentioned that she may have been “butt-hurt” over a comment I left on a status of her’s. Which, I don’t know if she would have been upset or if maybe she thought she upset me? Idk. She had made a comment about someone using an EBT card (food stamps) at the dollar store while their nails were done and they had an iPhone. I tried to point out that “you can’t judge a book by its cover”. No one really has any idea what is going on in someone else’s life. I understand and agree that people cheat the system, however, just because someone {needs} assistance does that mean they [aren’t allowed] nice things from time to time? I used my mother as an example. Mom is on disability and therefore gets assistance, and obvi Pattie knew this. I pointed out that Mom has a smartphone because she was on a plan with my uncles via their business. My dad and Brian wanted to do something nice for her and got her a Coach wallet one Christmas. Should Mom not carry those things around when she needs to use her EBT card? How is that fair to her? Just because someone sees something from the outside doesn’t give them the right to -judge- the situation…

Was I upset over her comment? No, not really. I was annoyed but by responding with what I did was’t to start anything, it was just shedding light from a different perspective. Playing Devil’s advocate. Over the next few months I’d reach out and see how she was doing, expressed that I missed her, etc. She had recently started a new job around Leighton’s 1st birthday that required a lot of time. I understood that but again, to go from talking all the time and only living 3 minutes away from one another to nothing? She was the one who always wanted to be such a big part of my life! Not that I didn’t want her to be, but you know what I mean. Being older she was the one making the choice to be there for me as I grew up. Around the one year mark of being the only one to reach out and receiving very minimal in return – I finally expressed my feelings. You know that whole “insecure, what did I do” thing that crosses your mind when something like this happens? Yeah, it happened. So I asked if there was anything that I did. I explained how I was hurt and didn’t understand. That I missed her and really wanted to know what was going on/what had happened. I was met with a response as though I was crazy and that nothing happened, she was just busy. Not once did she acknowledge my feelings. Not once did she apologize. In fact her exact words were, “I don’t know what to tell you, I’ve just been busy.” <- yup, definitely felt like a brush off with a side of gaslighting. I mean, posting on Facebook all of the fun adventures you’re having with friends and the kids that you’d normally include me in? Oh, sure. “Busy” I got it.

I stopped making much effort after that. I’d occasionally acknowledge something on Facebook but realistically I didn’t see the point. I was clearly no longer a priority in her life and I wasn’t going to sit around begging for friendship.  I never heard from her. Not until one comment on a picture I posted about a local restaurant that is both an Irish pub and sushi bar, over a year after my blown off attempt at maintaining a relationship. A comment about it being good. Da Faq? When I was pregnant with my second I didn’t tell many people. He was a true, true miracle baby and it just felt right keeping it close rather than sharing. Then we had family/maternity pictures and they turned out >so beautiful< that I ended up sharing them on Facebook because how could I not? I didn’t make an announcement or anything, just shared our latest family pictures. I thought I may have heard from her after that since she had recently made that other comment. Nope. I posted the pictures around 3-4 weeks before he was born. Once he was born I obviously made the announcement and shared his newborn pictures etc. Did I hear from her then? Not even a single “like” on a photo. But you know what she did do? She commented on photos of >MY friend’s< new house. They only met [one] time at Leighton’s FirSt birthday!! When I saw that and it had been a few weeks since sharing all the newborn photos, I was pissed. I was done. It just hurt too much. So I unfriended her.

With our kids being close in age they attended the same elementary school. When Leighton was in kindergarten they had a halloween parade outside and as I was walking to a spot to stand her husband called out, “Hey Stranger!” I was so thrown but politely said hello with a smile and asked how he was. That was that. Fast forward to family fun night the following year, I was walking down the hall holding my youngest’s hand and she turned the corner. I happened to look down because Kb said something but she walked right past me, eyes laser focused straight ahead and acted like she didn’t even know me. COol.. The following year’s “welcome back” meet the teachers event was all the more awkward. Any time she saw me she completely averted all attention, turned away. At one point I was walking and she stopped and turned and stood in the doorway looking into Leighton’s old kindergarten classroom. Her son is 2 years older, so why would she be standing there looking into a kinder room? Uncomfortably ignoring me. She stood there for enough time she thought it’d take me to pass and then turned out of the room. She nearly collided with me but I was looking the other way, excusing myself from bumping into someone walking the other way. It was very obvious but we both ignored it. If she’s going to act like she doesn’t know me for whatever reason, sayonara!

When Auntie first had her stroke I contemplated if I would tell her or not when the time came of her passing. I had over 2 years to think about it but ultimately made the decision not to. I do [kind of] feel bad about it, as they were close at one point, but just like most of the rest of the family- no one seemed to give two shits about Auntie once she got sick that I didn’t care for -anyone- being there that didn’t actually care when she was alone. Am I sad about our friendship being over? Of course… I was. I was mad, confused – you know all of the stages of grief, essentially. Someone I dearly loved and cared about was no longer in my life, of course that’s something to be sad over. I actually had a lot of anxiety over possibly running into her [figuratively] all those years, but when she made it distinctly obvious she was avoiding me, all I could do was laugh. She obviously has her own feelings to work through but I can’t care anymore. She no longer holds that uncomfortable power over me. If she does ever want to talk, I’m here but until then, I’ll choose to remember the good times when I was younger rather than how things played out.

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Friendships pt. 2

“Adult friendships are hard. Everyone is busy and life happens. I’ve learned you gotta text people when you’re thinking of them. A simple ‘Thinking of you, hope all is well’ really goes a long way.”
-Rob Lowe

After Highschool most noteworthy:

Kelly: My GFFAE – girlfriend for ever and ever! Have you ever had someone in your life who was kind of your air, you needed them in order to actually breathe? That was Kelly. We actually met back in early elementary school when our brothers were in boy scouts together, like with Lauren [02. Dad & 11. Childhood Friends+]. We were friends but were never really good friends until after graduating. She came to my grad party – yes, I still had a party for my GED [06. High School/Diagnosis]- and we just kind of became inseparable from that point forward. Kelly is more than just a friend, she is like an extension of myself. A soulmate on a different plane of friendship. I don’t know how else to explain it, honestly. She just gets me. Kind of like how Marion is my [10. Twin Flame], Kelly is just a part of me. We both had other friends but her friends quickly became my friends as we were all basically together 24/7 for like 2 years. Kelly’s house became another home in a way, I came and went whenever. I’m honestly having trouble putting into words what our friendship was(is?). Bottom line, we were/are family! Update: Life, life happened. We don’t talk often these days however when we do, it’s as though >nothing< ever changed and no time has passed at all. Same for when she sees my mom, or I her’s. We’re just connected.

My mom comes up with nicknames for everyone, and I mean -every- one of my friends, as well as myself. I am Jeniqua and Kelly is Keliqua. I’ve mentioned that Lauren is Lori Lou, Marion is Mary Kathrynn, and Jessie was Jiz, not realizing what she was saying at first but it just became a running joke… ::facepalm:: And of course Igor became Ivan from one of Mom’s favorite vocalists, Ivan Rebroff. I always thought it was because they’re both Russian, but I just learned while looking up how to spell his name that Ivan Rebroff was actually German!?? ::mindblown::

—–Funny random fact I just thought about- I call Kellan (my youngest) “Bello” or “kB” which came from Kelly-Belly [thanks, Mom], which is originally from Kellan-Bellan turned Bello. Kelly is also KB, which I guess makes her the OGKB. With that said, I now declare her *OGKBGFFAE* bahaha. Nothing to see here, moving on—-

Hannah: Hannah and I met via the online support group through Dysautonomia Youth Network of America. While at the Mayo Clinic Dr. Fischer introduced me to this website where I could connect with other kids/teens with Dysautonomia [06. HS/Diagnosis]. Fastforward 3.5 years later and viola – Hannah appears! Hannah is almost 3 years younger than me, but I look up to her – figuratively AND literally. My poor kids get their stature from their Mama. Ha, ha. Hannah has always been so mature and wise beyond her years that everyone forgets she’s as young as she is (or was? I’ve known her since she had just turned 18). Having Dysautonomia herself, she gets what it’s like to need to cancel last minute without ever holding a grudge. She gets what it’s like when you can’t do anything but sit on the couch while you visit. While she may not be a mother herself, she gets what it’s like to need a break. After Leighton (my oldest) was born, she came over regularly (I almost think it was weekly for a while at first?) to help me out and continued visiting regularly until she took a nursing job at OSU a couple years later. Her friendship is loyal, pure and unconditional; as is her love for my children and the special bond she has with Leighton! Update: Stupid pandemic! Being a nurse in basically a step down ICU during a pandemic changes everything. ::cries:: Don’t get me wrong, she is still very much a part of my life even if we don’t talk as often as we once did. She’s tired. I’m tired. She has her own health to care for and I have mine. Things may not be what they once were but they’ll always be!! I know that no matter what, she’d drop everything to do everything in her power to be there for me if I needed her. Like I said, loyal and unconditional! She was the first person I ever met who also has Dysautonomia (I was going to make an inappropriate joke about being the first, but… I’ll pass by it.) Her friendship has meant more to me than I could possibly explain because she just, [gets it]…

Ashleigh: Ashleigh and I met while I was working towards becoming a CMA,AAMA [12. Life Detour]. Spending hours in labs together we quickly became friends, and I honestly don’t know how I would have finished school without her!! She looked out for me and made sure my health was a priority in clinicals. She was my person as I finished college and sitting next to her during commencements (being my one and only time in a cap and gown) will >always< hold a special place in my heart!!! She’s your firecracker, stereotypical “redheaded” woman and I’d never want her any other way! Between her vocabulary and voice decibel it became a running joke at how often she’d apologize to Igor. Ha, ha. It was so important to her that I stand up in her wedding, knowing very well there was a chance I may not make it, due to her wedding date being a week after Leighton was due. She planned for both scenarios, as if wedding planning wasn’t hard enough? But she’s the kind of person that has to keep busy, always on the go. Which is an ironic way of describing her as she was a flight attendant at the time and her husband is a pilot. It was so difficult trying to figure out a dress for her wedding not knowing where I’d be size wise from the pregnancy. I bought my dress around 30ish weeks thinking that would make sense for being newly postpartum. Yeah, about that… with Leighton coming early, my mother in law had to take the dress in -8 inches- last minute. So, that was fun. Update: Life got difficult with her hubby being a pilot and having 2 kids under 2. For a while she tried making a point to drive out once a month but it just got to be too much. And my not being able to drive didn’t help any. We just kind of stopped talking but it was never on bad terms. Living over 45 mins away from one another and the stage of life we were in, it’s definitely sad but [life just happens]. It’s been a few years since we’ve seen one another but we keep in touch through social media.

Jenna & Matt: My Twinnie and SLSBSubby (secret lover, snuggle buddy, substitute hubby) <- yes, [obviously] they’re inside jokes + Igor is also Jenna’s Subby. Though, Matt is a pretty good snuggle buddy, even if my “legs are weird”. ::sideeyes:: For reference, Matt and Jenna are both 5’11” – I’m barely 5’2″ (yup; I’m only in my mid-thirties and I’ve already started shrinking… ::arggg::) Matt and Jenna have been together since ’04, so being used to snuggling someone her size for so many years, snuggling someone my size would be different, or “weird” according to him. Jenna and I also met in a P.O.T.S. group like Hannah and I, only it was via Facebook. It’s only been a little over 8 years but it’s like we’ve known them our whole lives! Jenna (aka Double N or 2-N Jenna) is the peanut butter to my chocolate, making the perfect Reese’s cup! Okay that was cheezy as hell but I don’t know how else to say it, haha. She’s pb&j with her bestie, and well we both love all things peanut butter and Reese’s soo it works, okay?! I could and probably should make them a seperate post as there is so much to say, but here we go…. Jenna and I are Twinnies because we are freakishly similar when it comes to our likes and things from our past, down to the SAME EXACT wedding dress!!! What? Like, how?

Here’s a short list of where we’re parallel: Favorite shape: stars, favorite animal: pigs (we also both have piggy collections), favorite color: pink (though as I’m getting older I’m leaning more towards purple but pink is still right there!). Halloween, Practical Magic and Jamie Fraser [IYKYK]; hobbies include: reading, puzzles, diamond painting and (the -same-) T.V. shows. We both were 3rd-Keys (basically part time assistant managers) at Claire’s when we were younger and cheerleaders in high school. We both have Dysautonomia/P.O.T.S./EDS and see the [same] cardiologist in a whole different state! I was going to school for forensic science and she was going to be a defense lawyer (<- yes those are very different but you need forensics in the courtroom). Our husbands are both PC gamers (both playing World of Warcraft at the time we met; we even hooked them up playing together before we actually met in person) and are they’re both weird anti-vegetable creatures. Neither of us could survive without pizza, peanut butter or ice cream. We both have a thing for old/antique keys (so much so that we got matching tattoos to represent our POTS, but it’s also an old key with a star, obviously). We both were recovering from “heartbreak” over our best friends <ghosting> us [10. Twin Flame] right around the same time. She’s a writer and I’m a blogger. Neither of us are able to drive regularly or hold a {real} job due to our health. And I repeat: SAME wedding dress!!

So I guess when I said it was like we’ve known them our whole lives, we basically have given our likes and dislikes. The above is quite literally just a >short< list and it doesn’t even touch on Matt & Igor’s similarities besides their love for PC games and disdain for veggies!! Matt is without a doubt the funniest person I know, without even trying. He is so quick with his comebacks or random statements or whatever – I don’t think anyone has made Igor or I cry as much from laughing, than just being around/talking to Matt. Where as Jenna is by far the most mentally strongest person I know, as well as the most thoughtful or generous person I’ve ever met… unless you piss her off!! Like, really truly get on her bad side. Which isn’t necessarily easy to do, even though she’s definitely the Queen of Swords and can be a straight up bitch when needed. <- a title she wears proudly, haha. She truly doesn’t care what others think and is always authentically herself. She has a heart of gold and goes way above and beyond for those she loves!! I can’t even count the number of times her generosity has left me in tears of gratitude since she’s come into my life.

That first year we met, we were basically inseparable – saw each other every to every other weekend and occasionally during the week. They were instantly our best friends. In fact, Matt was the first person Igor felt an authentic friendship with, someone to actually call his best friend. They talked daily whether it was via texting, Matt calling while he waited for his truck to be loaded or unloaded for work, or online gaming. And obvi, Jenna and I did, too!! Problem is: their other friends were starting to get upset and they felt bad letting them down, while also feeling bad for letting us down, as we had become so used to seeing one another so often. Admittedly it got a little awkward because they both started backing away without saying anything. [::Cue low self-esteem trigger: walls up and locked::]

I knew this friendship meant something more to all of us, so I pulled up my big girl pants and confronted Jenna outright. That’s how I learned the above ^… after talking things weren’t as awkward but it wasn’t like year one. Though, just like every new relationship – things slow down as time goes on, right? Prior to Covid we made a point to have monthly game nights on top of whenever else we’d get together. In the 8+ years we’ve known each other we’ve spent 4 NYEs together. They are our travel buddies from annual camping trips [Tent City >evolved<], to Canadian food festivals and ghost haunts at old prisons. We have SO many trips in mind and I look forward to each and every one!! They love our children as their own nephews and the boys obsess over them (particularly Uncle Matt because, well, video games, ::duh::). Matt came over while Jenna and I were out of town last fall to watch one of Kb’s baseball games [on the sidelines -alone- since Igor was coaching and Leighton was batboy]. He even then picked up pizza and they had a “boys night”. We may not all talk or see each other as often as year one but they’re still without question some of our best friends!! Scratch that, they’re [Family!]!!