Category: The Beginning

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23. Poor, Poor Choices.

“I wouldn’t change a thing about what I’ve done in the past because what may have been bad choices have all led me to this moment.” – Minnie Driver.

Uhh… Sooo, since I realized that I missed talking about some friendships and mentioned previous >poor choices< in [22. Jobs of The Past], I figure why not rip the bandaid off now… My parents and I are -very- close. Like, I’m pretty sure they haven’t read anything in my blog thus far, that they didn’t already know – to an extent. I think? There may or may not be some things in the post that they are hearing for the first time. Maybe. And I don’t know why it makes me anxious, I’m a grown woman; not to mention who doesn’t make poor choices when they’re younger? Hell, I just learned a few months ago that my mom has used harder drugs in the past – which I had NO clue! It actually kind of blew my mind. Just like it kind of blew her’s, that neither Igor or I have ever had anything marajuana related. I’m not opposed, I just haven’t felt the desire to do so. However, I may look into it at some point for health reasons, but until then – alcohol has only ever been the bad influence, at times.

Here we go… I was 12 the first time I ever tasted alcohol. I was at a birthday party and there was a giant thing of Jack Daniels, just out like it was no big deal. And by giant, I mean half a keg size, specialty bottle, with a spout. Oh peer pressure. I know my kids are going to mess up and we talk to them regularly about peer pressure. It’s inevitable, everyone gives into something, at least once. I’m not naive. I just hope they’re able to retain the knowledge that when they do mess up, to [call us]! I don’t care what time it is, I don’t care what they’ve done, I just want them safe, and that calling us is -always- the right thing to do!! Everything else can be addressed later, my priority is their safety. I may be disappointed in their actions but their strength to admit it and ask for help, will overshadow any anger in the moment!! As of right now, I really don’t think I’ll have anything to worry about with L, it’s K I’m more concerned about. But, only time will tell – I will just continue to hope that lines of communication stay open.

That night my dad was picking me up from the party and I was >Terrrrrrifed< that he’d smell it; especially being in recovery – but nothing was said if he did! SORRY DADDY!! ::hidesinshame:: After that, I had a few sips or a drink here and there once I was in High School, but never really got “drunk” until I was 17. I have to admit that 17 was my [party] year, though I’d never really call myself a ‘partier’. However, it was definitely the age that I drank the most irresponsibly, putting myself in situations that thankfully didn’t turn out worse! It was the first (of 3.5) time/s that I drank so much I blacked out. <- the other 2.5 times were my 18th birthday, the last night of my honeymoon, and the .5 would have to be 2 summers ago when my cousin mixed me a drink while camping; and I busted/broke the tip of my finger. I consider that a .5 because I do remember most of the evening, before/after busting my finger – but from the first sip to that is a little hazy, and it was only maybe a half hour. That drink was -dangerous-! For such a tiny woman, she can make a mighty drink! ::NoteToSelf::MakeSureToEatWhenSaraIsBartending::

Not that it’s an >excuse<, because there aren’t any – but I need to note that 17 was the year that things were the most on/off/rocky/back&forth between Kevin and I [09.First Love], things were confusing as hell with Jami [11.Childhood Friendships+], it was the same year Asshole was in my life [13.Survivor], the event between Jack and I that caused me to move in with my dad and Brian [03.Mom], annnnd it was the year I became homebound because I wasn’t healthy enough to attend school regularly[06.HS/Diagnosis]. Soo, I can’t really blame 17 year old Jena for trying to numb all the bullshit going on in her life, attempting to hold onto the scraps of teenage-angst, ‘normalcy’ they speak of. ::shrugsshoulders::

NYE when I was 17 was full of poor choices, but I justify that I made the right choice in the end, even if it wasn’t the smartest choice, it was definitely the safest! So there’s that. I was attending a house party with Jennifer [11.Childhood Friendships+] and drank an entire bottle of Hypnotic by myself. ::barf!:: I didn’t actually get sick but just the thought of it makes me sick, now! I remember going into a room with a guy I had only just met, and exited with the [worst] hickey I’ve ever had. I am >realllllly< fortunate that Kevin called to wish me a Happy New Year, as it was his call that stopped me from making what would have likely been a very regrettable decision!! ::shifyeyes&blushing:: He was on his way back to MI from a basketball tournament in TN, and was bored on the bus. He was going to be in town that next day and wanted to get together. Oh flutter, it’s a blessing and a curse how memories can cause physical reactions, almost 2 decades later!! It was also talking to Kevin that allowed me to sober up enough to make another questionable choice, but I firmly believe it was the safest!

Remember Beau? [09.First love&22.Jobs of the past] Yeah, I called him to come pick me up. I’m not quite sure why he wasn’t doing anything, but he was sober (since he never really drank) and didn’t think twice about getting me out of the situation I was in. I was supposed to be spending the night at Jennifer’s, so imagine my mother’s surprise the next morning when I came home early, as Beau had to get to work. Ohhh, maybe that’s why he was home?! Annnnyway, I knew that I could trust him. I knew that I had made a mistake and I knew that Beau wouldn’t be happy about it, but he jumped to my rescue. <- See, not only did he not really drink, he also didn’t entertain the idea of hanging around people who did. Which is ironic in the depths of foreshadowing… I know that our relationship was innocently-inappropriate at best, but he really did have my best interest at heart. There is definitely a lot of gray area around the line of [right & wrong], when it came to our relationship. However, as scary as it was, I was honest and upfront with my mother about what had happened the night before, and in that moment, she was grateful for Beau and his “older brother-type” role, that she was beginning to believe that we had. As deceitful as that may have been, I think his caring for me that NYE is what allowed her to drop her guard a little and allow me to see him more regularly, without having to hide it.

That brings us to my 18th birthday, just a few short months later… Oy. So I flew down to Tampa to spend spring break with Sheri. [11.Childhood Friendships+] I was met at baggage claim with her and her best friend Alex. They had a birthday gift for me and said that I had to stop in the bathroom and change before we went out. Little did I know, they had bought me the most revealing dress I think that I have ever worn- let alone owned! I mean, to be fair, with my chest, it wasn’t too hard to keep anything from being revealing.. But still! I was so uncomfortable but looked at it a few different ways. 1) It was my 18th birthday. On spring break. In Florida. Everyone was going to be dressed the same way at the clubs. 2) No one besides Sheri knew me, I was able to be someone, anyone, other than the bedridden teen that I had been, not much long prior. 3) It wouldn’t matter by the end of the night because I’d likely be too drunk to remember. <- which is correct, I was. I blame Alex! Haha. Alex had decided that because I was now an “adult”, and it was my actual birthday, I was to be treated ‘like the [queen] that I was’ and have Godiva Chocolate martinis!

From what I do remember, we had a great evening! From what I don’t remember, resulted in Beau giving me the silent treatment for the next 4 months! I know that an email was written about said silent treatment so I just went back and read it. Holy shit – that was heavy! And I have to say, I’m genuinely surprised and SHOCKED at some of the things I read, ha ha. Like, a major topic in it, I have completely erased from my memory. Even reading it, I don’t remember it… ::mindblown:: In the email it says that I explained everything to my mother about what had been going on and that it was her who suggested I write him the letter. Again, -no- clue. Apparently Beau and I hadn’t been in the greatest of places for a few months. I was deliberately acting out and doing things that I knew he wouldn’t approve of. I felt that if he hated me, it would be easier than him hurting me. And by hurting me, I mean breaking my heart. Sounds like a typical teenage reaction, no? 

__ Dang, I think I just realized some shadow work that I need to work on__
Why is it that as a grown adult, with children of my own, that I feel uncomfortable sharing these things? I know that it’s my truth. I know that it’s my past. I know that those who are in my life now don’t care about who I was or what I’ve done. They love and support all parts of me. Yet, I feel like I’m a little girl, afraid of getting in trouble; or having someone think bad about my choices from the past. What? This isn’t me…

::Breathe:: Okay, so, according to my letter to him, we had recently faced a pregnancy scare. ::turnsred&hides:: During that time, he had recently started seeing someone more regularly. Oh, and here’s the irony that was foreshadowed – she was slightly older than him… and an alcoholic. She was not in recovery and it had ruined her marriage. <- Uhm? How? WHy? She is not someone he would have everrr entertained the idea of hanging out with, let alone dating!?! I was beside myself for obvious reasons, but maybe it was his way of backing away and not intentionally but intentionally hurting me? I honestly have NO idea what his motives were at that point in time. Though, I now see and understand why I felt it was better for him to hate me than hurt me. Oh foolish child, you deserved so much better! So, what led to the silent treatment you ask? A drunk dial. I supposedly, drunkenly called Beau and apparently had quite a few things to say in regards to who he was dating and what had been going on; I honestly to this day have [NO] idea what exactly was said – all I know is that I really, really, reeeeally hurt him. And it wasn’t just the phone call. I may or may not have made my profile picture on Myspace, a photo of me kissing “some random guy” – when he made me promise him I wouldn’t hook up with anyone. <- Which, to be fair, I didn’t! It was an innocent kiss, all in good fun, especially because the guy wasn’t really random at all. Turned out the guy was Kevin’s oldest brother’s childhood best friend, whom I had met a time or two over the years. Ope.

To discuss a poor choice I made in Canada when I was 19, I need to discuss the past. I had a friend whose mother is… let’s call it ‘a little rough’. I do not like to judge others but her children definitely had a rocky upbringing. Her name was Pagie and we were friends in and out of each other’s lives, a few different times. Her mother being in a lower income situation, she moved around a lot. We were really good friends in preschool/early elementary school, but she left for a few years, before returning for the last trimester of 5th grade. Just in time for her 11th birthday. Which is -very- ironic because it was her 19th birthday that we spent in Canada together.

I remember when her sister and my brother were in 5th grade together, and hearing that her sister was spending the night at a friend’s house on a school night. I couldn’t believe it! Fast forward, Paige was the first person I had a sleepover with on a school night, in 5th grade. Haha. Synchronicity my friends, back in action. It was at Paige’s birthday party that I had my first ‘french kiss’, during a game of spin the bottle… with Paige’s older brother. Rocky was 2 years older than us and suuuper good looking. Like, [ALL] the girls fawned over him. There was another friend at the party who was head over heels for him; oh the attitude I received from her, lasted months! He was also a ‘bad boy’ so of course that didn’t make things easier. Girls always fall for the bad boy, right? So besides playing spin the bottle at 11, having my first “real” kiss <- though was it technically a first kiss when I had already had my first kiss? No, calling it the first real kiss just doesn’t sit right. Anyway, you get the point. Why was this such a >poor choice<? I… had a boyfriend. And yes, a boyfriend in 5th grade sounds beyond ridiculous right now, but at the time, it was a big deal. Especially because we “dated” for 6 months. The thought is even more ridiculous as my oldest is in 5th grade, and a relationship is SO FAR off his radar!! We recently told him that we suspected a girl had a crush on him and he was not happy, haha. I didn’t want to kiss Rocky, but peer pressure once again got the best of me. Annnnd knowing that I was going to kiss a guy that everyone wanted, who was older no less… ::IshakeMyheadAtThee:: 

I should blame Paige, especially after I tell you about Canada. HA! So Middle school came and Paige moved again. It wasn’t until I was 18 and working at Claire’s [22.Jobs of the past] that we connected again. We instantly recognized one another, her mother remembered me after Paige explained who I was, and after that we were rather inseparable for the next year or so. Basically if I wasn’t with Kelly [Friendships pt. 2] I was with Paige. See, the whole reason Paige and I were friends when we were younger, was because of Auntie. [08.Auntie] She used to go to the beauty school for cheaper nails and perms (actually, getting our nails done together was something we did every 2-4 weeks! I have no idea when it started but I was youuuung.)

–side tangent– Igor called me the other day from Somerset Mall, somewhere neither of us had ever been; as it’s a really high end mall. Synchronicity again… I always knew about Sumerset from the stories I’d hear at the beauty school! And more synchronicity? I didn’t start this entry today and I never know the full direction that I’m going to go. That said, tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary of Auntie’s passing [11/21/22], and I know wholeheartedly that she is with me and why all of this came to mind. –tangent over–

Anyway, Paige’s mom was a student-turned-employee that Auntie really liked, and loved the idea of Paige and I being friends. I have no idea if Auntie knew the roughness of her lifestyle, but she somehow looked past it if so. Honestly though, I would like to say that’s the case, but the truth is she was rather judgemental sooo… I think she was naive to the truth.

Now that brings us to Canada. We were there for Paige’s 19th birthday and spent the weekend in Windsor. I know that Paige’s other friend Jessica met up with us, but I don’t remember if she was there the whole weekend or not – and Paige’s mother was. The first night we met this group of guys from Chicago. They were in their early twenties and claimed that they were there for a bachelor party; though were cagey on who the bachelor actually was. There were 3 guys at the club and supposedly 2 back at the hotel. We ended up hanging out with these guys all night. At one point they wanted to check on their buddies and have them come out with all of us. Foolishly, Paige and I went with them. I would like to say I’m surprised that her mom encouraged it, but I can’t be if I really think about it. I honestly cannot believe the “it won’t happen to me” mindframe we had. THANKfully [nothing] did happen, but seriously?! De.u.em.bee. When we got to their room we initially stayed in the hall while one of the guys went in. Sure enough there were 2 guys passed out drunk from an over indulgence of day drinking at the casino. Turns out >he< was the bachelor. Little did we know at the time, but 3 out of the 5 were. Three! And only one of the two back at the hotel were. If my math serves me right, that means we spent the evening hanging out, drinking, dancing, and flirting with these guys, two of whom were getting married!! Ahhh makes me so angry thinking about it! While Paige was legitimately just hanging out as one of the guys, I really hit it off with this guy JJ. He even [asked] me if he could kiss me. Asked me?! For someone who wasn’t a novice to kissing ::yesthereISshameWithinme:: that was a first… He had this odd obsession with my tongue ring and kept saying, “oooh tongue ring” all exaggerated as if he had just had the best bite of dessert. <- ha. May be a bad comparison but it’s the only time I react that way. ::rollsoverlaughing:: Okay so long story short – the evening ended with us exchanging phone numbers. Which, cool, he wasn’t one of the bachelors, right? WRONG… I found out via Myspace that he got married the weekend [after] we met! ::breatheeee:: I hate men. Ever since that experience proved that bachelors will be bachelors, I’ve hated the idea of my significant other having and/or attending a night out celebrating! >Thankfully< I don’t have to worry as I picked myself a super-quiet-introvert, who’d never want to be in a situation that could upset me in that way! WHOOOO!!!

Annnnnd last and hopefully last… the last night of our honeymoon. I was given multiple shots of chilled high end tequila. And by multiple I mean, I can remember at least 3 double shots before even going to the club for karaoke. I remember the male bartender was in [disbelief]! Ha. But thennn a couple we had met earlier in the day happened to join us at the club. The guy was so far gone he kept ordering shots for the 4 of us and I ended up drinking his. Igor only ended up doing 2-3 I think, but at some point the high end chilled tequila ran out and we got switched to naaaaasssssty warm stuff. By this point I was at about 8 double shots in for the evening… I was g.r.e.a.t. Having the time of my life. <- Let it be known, I never really did shots prior, they always made me sick; but somehow this chilled stuff was like water that night! And then they told us they had ran out and brought us the cheap stuff. After literally -one- sip, I turned my head and the scene quickly resembled the Exorcist. ::turnsred:: ::greenrather:: No, seriously, it shot out of me and I just turned my head back like it was nothing. It was then I blacked out. I woke up to Igor holding me in the women’s bathroom, on the floor. I guess I had gone in there and after a while he got worried and came to check on me. No idea. I vaguely remember waking up on the floor and then phase in and out while someone from the resort was pushing me back to our room in a wheel chair… a night to remember, ish, I suppose?! Ha, ha.

Oh the shame! ::facemeetpalm:: No, you know what? I’m not that girl, but if it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t be where I am today! So eff the feelings of shame, guilt and regret!!

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22. Jobs of the past.


Let us realize that: the privilege to work is a gift, the power to work is a blessing, the love of work is success! – David O. McKay

WOW! Okay, so I have been EXTRA busy with work since my last post, but -omggggg- do I LOVE MY JOB!! Seriously, I couldn’t be happier working with the people that I do, helping the people that {we} do. I am SO passionate about what this company has done for me, that I am just thriving being a part of the team! I know that it has been a [huge] adjustment for my husband, as I am now busy at times I didn’t used to be… ie: mornings before school, dinner/bedtimes for the kids, Sundays. But you know what? It’s a temporary adjustment and then it’ll become the norm, to an extent…

See, I joined the team at an interesting time. It was a month before things got busy with our final two launches of the year. I had a lot of training hours and then bam, the biggest event of the year + 2 major course launches. It’s all hands on deck and my hours are ALL over the place. For now. BUT that’ll slow down and kind of regulate as things change for the new year. And as busy as I am, I FREAKING LOVE IT! There are 6 of us and while I know 2 of them are technically my bosses, it feels like I just talk to my best friends all day! 🙂

With all of that said, I thought that this was a good opportunity to talk about my previous work history. Also due to the nature of my job, I tend to use a lot of exclamation points… I foresee that crossing over into my blog. Just putting it out there.

I remember my very first job interview like it was yesterday! I found it a little weird as I was interviewing with a boy {you’ll understand in a minute} but I remember I was wearing a jean skirt, a pink and yellow striped, capped sleeve with a sweetheart neckline t-shirt, and my cowrie shell necklace, that was in the shape of a star. WOW!! I mean, I know that I’m writing a blog with memories that date back over 30 years, but to remember my exact outfit 18 years later? Daaaaang even I’m impressed with my memory. Ha ha. Anyway, the reason why I find it so odd that a guy was interviewing as well, is the fact that I was interviewing for the most girliest girl stores ever! I mean, I don’t know about you, but as a little girl, I LOVED and spent literal hours inside one store, just marveling over -all- of the things! Can you guess what store that may be, given those facts? Yup, that’s right – good ol’ Claire’s!!

I absolutely loved everything about working at Claire’s! The people, the music, the merchandise, the mall. At the time when I started, Kristina was Manager, Amy and Tracey the Assistant Managers, and Kayla (a carbon copy of Melissa Joan Hart!) as 3rd Key a.k.a. part-time assistant manager. Then there was Megan, Bailee, Jamie and I as the remaining associates. We were all the same age, though Megan was a grade a head of the rest of us.

Claire’s was an easy target for delinquents trying to get away with stolen goods, or so they thought! I was incredible at catching thieves and I have zero problem tooting my own horn over it. Though I have to say, we all made a great team. There is one instance that really stands out in my mind, because I had an unexpected surprise, on a day that I really wished I hadn’t. Ha, ha. See, remember back in [09. First Love] I discussed the heartbreak and drama that came between Kevin and I, because of Beau? Yeahhh… So Beau was moving to Ohio with our mutual friend, to get a fresh start while our friend went to school. It only lasted maybe 4 months but that’s besides the point. He wanted to say goodbye and I knew work was probably the safest bet. Had Kevin known I had made plans to see him, it would have caused a lot of issues and I wanted to avoid that. But let’s be honest, I wanted to see Beau and say goodbye just as much as he did. While I respected Kevin’s feelings, I still had to respect my own, and seeing someone in a public setting, such as a store in a mall, isn’t something one always has control over. Right? Right. Irony is, Kevin decided to show up and surprise me that day. ::ofcourse:: Nope, I certainly didn’t have control over seeing someone in a public setting, such as a store in a mall. <- Why do I feel anxious just thinking about it? Oh, memories. Anyway, that day I had walked right past Kevin, not even noticing him (which is -incredibly- difficult to do, given he was nearly 6’10”!) following two girls as they left the store. Not even three stores down they had stopped, started laughing and pulling their loot out of their pockets – just in time to see me standing there, with my hand out, asking them to follow me. It was such a rush of excitement, I felt like a badass; which is not me at all! Ha. As we were walking back Kev was just leaning there against the glass outside Claire’s. I was in total shock!! He laughed and said he wondered how long it was going to take me to see him. I went from the rush of catching shoplifters, to holy shit what if Beau shows up and Kevin sees him? Helllllllo anxiety. Kev ended up hanging around the mall until my shift was over, and I was both mad and disappointed. Disappointed that Kevin was there, and mad he hung around, causing me such anxiety and guilt over “getting caught” – even though I wasn’t doing anything wrong! Oh, and disappointed by the fact that Beau never showed up. Or so I thought… No, as it turns out Beau did in fact show up, but when he got there, he had seen my surprised reaction to Kevin being there and walked right past us as I was giving Kevin a kiss. Seriously?! Is my life a movie? It feels like it has to be, some things are just that unbelievable, even to myself! Man.

ANYway, for 6 months everything was going great, until a new district manager was hired and [dramaaa] began. I’ll never forget the night Kristina locked up the store, and then threw her keys back into the store, through the medal gate! She was -done-… That was how she quit. My manager. ::sideShiftyeyes:: Amy was moved up to interim Manager with hopes of making it perminate. Megan was then made a 3rd Key, and things were good for a while. But unfortunately, drama continued and one by one we all left the store. It really was a sad moment in my life, especially since Kevin and I weren’t in a great place at that time. Not to mention I was STILL recovering from my second knee surgery. Annnd it was also around that time that I started getting really, really sick, and the new district manager had major attitude over it!! My mother went with me the day that I quit, as my anxiety over it was making me physically ill (I hate letting people down). Well, that and the fact I still couldn’t drive with my knee in a brace. I had NO idea that the new DM was going to be there that night, but I still needed to follow through. She didn’t even allow Amy the option of giving me my final 2 weeks; I was {done}.

A few months later when I was really sick and doing homebound schooling, my Uncle Dave agreed to give me a sense of purpose, and gave me a job part-time doing data entry for my grandfather’s insurance agency, Associated Group Underwriters. I was only able to sit at the computer a few minutes at a time, but it gave me something to do and I didn’t feel as useless as I had been feeling. It was short lived but it was something!

Once my health started to stabilize and I was able to get back out in the [real world], Amy – my old a.m./manager at Claire’s, got me an associate’s position at the clothing store, Charlotte Russe. She was the assistant manager there, but was also trying to get the managing position back at Claire’s, as higher management had an overhaul. Eventually she did and left Charlotte Russe, with promises that she’d bring me back as soon as she could! During my short stint at Charlotte Russe, I really only befriended one co-worker. I feel absolutely terrible about this, but I for the life of me cannot remember her name… ::HoldsHandsOverEyes:: It started with an M and was very unique. We only hung out a few times outside of work for her to do my hair. She had finished beauty school but hadn’t taken a full-time job in the field yet. So, she did my hair in her parent’s basement, ha, ha. I made a promise to myself when I was 10 years old, that I wanted long hair for Senior pictures, and then would donate my hair sometime after that. WELL that time had come, I donated 14.5 inches and went back blonde, with some fun magenta peek-a-boos! I enjoyed working at Charlotte Russe, but one of the things that I really didn’t like about working there, was the seniority set up. That and the fact that I had gotten Jessie [06.HS/11.Childhood Friendships+] a job there, only for it to backfire, as it was right at the time of her self sabotaging. Then there was a holiday hire that just brought gut punches of painful memories. She was a former cheerleader at Salem [06.HS/Diagnosis] with me, but on a higher ranked squad. We never really interacted too much, but she always had that typical, ‘I’m hot and better than you’ attitude. Kevin also started hanging out with her during school lunches, towards the end of things, before we actually broke up. SOOOooo needless to say, I did -not- like this girl and yet, that seniority set up required me to be the one to train her. Good grief did I need Amy to find me a spot, STAT!

Once back in charge, Amy first brought Kayla back as her assistant manager, and then brought Megan on as a 3rd key, again. At the time, there was another 3rd key named Ashley, and 2 associates, Kristin and Shebon. Due to only having 2 associates, who were both highschool students, Amy needed someone else full-time, which meant another assistant manager. SO, Megan got moved up to a.m., and to my surprise, Amy wanted me to be a 3rd key, instead of an associate. ::eeek::  Again, to explain the differences, a 3rd key is a part-time assistant manager. They have all the same duties such as opening/closing the store, bank deposits, making managing decisions- just less hours and no benefits. FINE by me! I was SO excited to be back with 3 of the original crew, we really were like a family! Remember, Megan and her cousin, Shannon [11.Childhood Friendships+] brought me a giant handmade card, wishing me luck when I had to go to the Mayo Clinic.[06.HS/Diagnosis] Things were going great!

The following summer there was a Borders Books opening up in Canton and I thought, why not? I mean, we all know that I was {not} the biggest reader at the time, but the store was super close, huge, and they needed a ton of employees to fill all the different positions. So, I applied. And I got the job. And I was working full-time between working there and at Claire’s, and going to school part-time that fall. OH, and that fall was also when I found out about Christopher getting married. [13.Survivor] <- That would be alot for any healthy person, but someone who was chronically ill, and not too far out from the biggest flair of their life, it probably wasn’t the wisest of choices… But how was I supposed to know? I was newly diagnosed, on the right meds, and was -so- unprepared in the understanding that chronic health issues are a lifelong battle of ups and downs, flares and remissions. My body started to fight back. There was an instance while working at Claire’s when it was just an associate and I one evening, she was taking her break so I was alone in the store, annnnnd I passed out… I happened to be in the back corner of the store, so it’s a damn good thing it was a weekday evening, for the mall was practically empty!! I have no idea how long I was out but a nice older couple was fussing around me as I came too. I really don’t remember too much about the incident other than that. ::doeeyes:: And the decision to leave Claire’s was starting to take form. I was devastated to quit working there, but I was barely getting any hours and it wasn’t worth the gas to get there. Plus, I made more money at Borders.

I’ll never forget my interview with Borders, either. I met with the G.M. first, and when I introduced myself he thought that I said, “Jella”… huh? How? That was the first time anyone had ever thought that’s what I was saying; though, oddly enough, it wasn’t the last! What? How? Ha, ha. I just don’t understand. ::shrugsshoulders::

I loved working at Borders! It’s where I was first introduced to T. Swift, and the rest is history. Though, they wouldn’t play her C.D. for me often, bastards. However, they did make up for it by playing the soundtrack to “Across the Universe” often, just for me. There is just something about that soundtrack! I know I’ll probably get backlash for this, but I so prefer the movie’s versions over the originals. ::sorrynotsorryBeatlesfans:: I made so many good friends working there, some of whom I’m still in contact with today, even if only through social media, just like my Claire’s girls! <3 Korrin, Amanda, Trevor, Holly, Shannon, Neidee, Lisa, Maureen, Jeff, Tim – there really are so many more people that I could name in which I just simply adored! Korrin, Amanda and Holly were my closest friends, though. Amanda and I were exceptionally close and even at each other’s weddings, years after working at Borders together. I never considered myself a bad influence, but I did sneak her into a different country, just so she could drink legally, when she turned 19. I don’t know if her parents ever found out that we went to Canada but it sure was fun! Ha, ha. <- OOOMG sitting here writing this, I realized that I completely forgot a whole other friendship to discuss!! Actually, a few.. Goodness!!! What triggered my memory was thinking about the first time I went to Canada to drink. I’ll have to address my poor choices on that subject at a later date. ::turnsRedandLooksaway::

I’m not exactly sure where this falls in the timeline, but I was still at Borders so it’ll fit here appropriately. Marion’s mom [10.Twin Flame] was the principal at a small private elementary school. She asked me if I’d be interested in being a cheer coach for a short season, teaching the girls the basics, and then having them put on a performance to wrap up the season. Uh, YES! I was so excited, nervous because I was in charge of 15 or so kids, ages 5-10, teaching them the sport that triggered my health to decline, but still excited nonetheless. Not to mention, I really wasn’t a kid person. But oh my goodness, I was like a proud mama bear; they did SO well!! They all loved it and their parents’ praised my efforts. The whole thing brought up a lot of emotion for me, but overall I’m glad I had that experience. Wow, sitting here reflecting back, I feel like I’ve lived 20 something different lifetimes! There are so many aspects about myself that I don’t even recognize.

Anyway, tearful memory lane is over. Although, can I really say that memory lane is over when I’m continuing to write about my past? Details, am I right?… As Igor [14.Forever&Always] and I were getting closer and it was evident that an engagement was on the cusp, I started looking at jobs closer to White Lake. As previously mentioned, there was a good 30/40 minute drive between us on a typical day. I was still going to school about halfway between us and it just made sense, since I was more than likely going to be moving in with him, once we were engaged. -Spoiler Alert- I didn’t. And no that’s not really a spoiler alert, just see [12.Life Detour]. Since my psychic abilities were packed, hidden away in the depths of my consciousness, I didn’t foresee that detour, and I ended up quitting Borders. I applied to be a bank teller just up the road from Igor’s condo, but ultimately decided against it and wanted to put my focus on finishing school. Oh Universe, you’re so good at making jokes, even if they’re not always funny. In the slightest. At all.

Borders was my last official, on the record, money making, taxes paying job – until The Sisters Enchanted. ::mindblown:: 13 years. It took me 13 years to land a job that actually paid money… We know this was not by choice, but holy cow! Borders may have been my last official job, but I did have my externship at an ER/Urgent Care cross over. It was originally an offsite, lower level ER, but they were in the process of turning it into an urgent care. It was reaaaallly weird that as a medical assisting student, I was considered more qualified and able to do more with patients, than former medics. At the urgent care, they were essentially only allowed to be patient care techs, while I was able to administer medication, give shots, draw blood, start IV’s, and assist with minor procedures. I still don’t understand how, but I’m grateful I could! I saw some >wicked< things while working there, let me tell ya! I’ll spare you details, but let’s just say maggots and degloving for funsies. Did that just gross you out? Imagine living it… ::turnsgreen&cheekspuffed:: gahhhh!

It was after my externship had ended and I was awarded my certification by the AAMA, that I got sick again, thus leading to the past 13 years without a “real” job. I swear as I’m writing that I’ve already shared things; I have to keep going back to previous entries to see, only to discover that I haven’t, and I just don’t understand how I havent? Maybe I’m just thrown off as I’m not writing regularly at this present time, and jumping around? Lost my groove of telling my story in order. I have no idea, but I [know] that I’ve written about things before, now I just have to figure out where, if not here… ::handToChinAsIthink:: I’m so confused right now. Ha, ha. Maybe that’s my cue to end things here. Trusting my intuition, check!

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21. Miracle Baby

“I was given such a great gift. It’s a miracle that never stops amazing me and reminding me to give thanks, every day.”
– Jake owen

With my {miracle baby} turning > s i x < less than a week ago, I can’t help but reflect on how he came to be. Though, if I’m being honest, both of my children are miracle babies. And no, I don’t mean in the whole ‘all babies are God’s miracles” way. I mean, it’s legitimately impressive that they’re here without [complication]!

See, we didn’t know it at the time, but when Igor went for his vasectomy we discovered he only had -one- of his vas deferens. A missing vas is usually associated with renal agenesis (the absence of one or both kidneys) / abnormalities and / or genetic mutations. The urologist said that he had never heard of it otherwise. So, Igor went off to get an ultrasound only to discover that he, too, is a zebra himself! <3

For those not part of the {chronic illness communities}, in medicine, the term “zebra” is used in reference to a rare disease or condition. Doctors are taught to assume that the simplest explanation is usually correct, to expect common conditions. The phrase taught to medical students throughout their training is, “When you hear the sound of hooves, think horses, not zebras.” However, many medical professionals seem to forget that “zebras” >DO< exist, so getting a diagnosis and treatment can be more difficult for sufferers of rare conditions, such as myself!! There is {no} explanation for why Igor only had one of his vas deferens, and seeing as the urologist was stumped himself, I declare my hubby a “zebra”, even if only an honorary one.

That said, the fact we didn’t end up with fertility treatments is the first miracle itself! I even got pregnant with Leighton on our first try. Our good friend Matt [Friendships pt. 2] likes to joke that Igor has -supersperm- as a result of Chernobyl. <- Which, may be in poor taste given that Chernobyl is considered the worst nuclear disaster in history… buuuut is it not {also} possible he may be right? ::joking;kindof:: Having Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome [06. HS/Diagnosis], I was at risk for a variety of complications, from not being able to maintain pregnancy or delivering prematurely, to hemorrhaging, especially due to my platelet disorder: Delta Granule Storage Pool Deficiency. According to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, DGSPD “is caused by a lack of dense granules and the chemicals normally stored inside them. Without these chemicals, platelets are not activated properly and the injured blood vessel does not constrict to help stop bleeding.” <- basically meaning, I’m a bleeder. I have to be honest and admit that while I knew about EDS {shout out to May being EDS awareness month!}, I didn’t truly understand it when it came to pregnancy, at the time I was pregnant with Leighton. We were concerned about premature labor but my obgyn was much more concerned about my bleeding and the potential need for a hysterectomy due to said bleeding.

As I mentioned in [Twice Exceptional], I had Leighton at 35 weeks+5 days. At 33w3d I was sent for a stress test and discovered I was in preterm labor. I guess I’m so used to pain that I didn’t even realize these were [decent] contractions and not just Braxton Hicks. After a few hours they decided to send me home but to keep an eye on my blood pressure and if contractions started up again to go back. In less than 24 hours I was back in and admitted for the night. We already knew that I was going to be having a c-section under general anesthesia because of my doctors’ fears over bleeding. They didn’t want to give me a spinal and cause more harm, only to have to put me under should there be an issue. The morning of the day he was born, my obgyn was concerned that I was going to end up in an emergency situation. She didn’t want to send me home only for me to come back to a busy ward without platelets on hand. She believed based on how I was progressing that I wouldn’t make it a week, and felt it was the safest, smartest option to deliver him that day, while there were two doctors to oversee it, she would be there (as it was her hospital day), and being morning they had fresh platelets on hand and could reserve them for me. That quickly became the scariest day of my life, up to that point! Like I said, we didn’t know enough back then but you better believe I did my research the second time around, because having a child under general anesthesia, not knowing if I was going to wake up with or without a uterus – or at all, miss the first cry, my husband not being allowed in the room, and so forth, >definitely< lead to birth trauma!! I felt so disconnected from Leighton, and honestly I still do. I don’t know if it’s from the trauma or his neurodivergence. I just know that I love him fiercely, but our bond is nothing like that of which Kellan and I have. Over the years there have been times it felt fake and forced and it breaks my heart to even admit it, but here I am… Telling my truth. The next miracle: being born at 35+5, at 6lbs 11oz – baby boy [never] spent -any- time in the NICU (which is good because he would have been transferred downtown to Detroit Children’s Hospital) and went home with me when I was released!!

Having a 2E child is challenging beyond words! With everything that we went through those first 3 years, we honestly didn’t know if we’d have a second child. We had always talked about having 2 and if they were both boys, we’d adopt a girl. Only in a “perfect” world, right? I shake my head at our naive young selves. It took until hearing the words, “you’re not ovulating” and “you may not be able to get pregnant again”, to realize how badly we actually wanted a second. Knowing that choice was essentially [possibly] taken from me, cut me. Deep.

Huh, just right now I realized, I think that I need to backtrack on my comment about not needing fertility treatment. My [naive] understanding of treatments was always so much more in-depth than just taking medication for ovulation induction (OI). After thinking about the fact that I >did< use oral medication to try and “re-boot” things, I decided to see what actually was considered ‘fertility treatment’. Lo and behold, OI is infact one of the first methods! Wow. You learn something new every day, and I’ll [never] stop learning anything I can. Knowledge is power, my friends! <- Which is why my 9 year old son knows about what is going on with the Supreme Court, at this moment in time. When he found out, his first reaction was to ask, “but what about if the mother’s life is in danger?” Oh my heart, sweet boy. I’m not going to go on a pro-whatever- tangent, I just think it’s incredible while also very sad, that this {child} understands it’s >not< a black and white situation – and he is very much a black and white type of person!

I did two “cycles” and viola, I started ovulating again. Seven months later, I was never happier to see two pink lines! From about 6-8 weeks I had to have regular blood work due to what is medically coded as a “threatened abortion.” <- Because that’s always fun to see on paper when you desperately want that child. And just so we’re clear and there is no misunderstanding, a threatened abortion means :possible miscarriage:. Also during those weeks, I had to use vaginal suppositories daily. I share this because 1) this is my truth and 2) [awareness] as I had -never- heard of anything like it before. I had to get them from a special compound pharmacy, as well. The whole point of my blog is to help others, right? There should be no shame in discussing women’s reproductive health; so ::sorrynotsorry:: if you found that uncomfortable.

It was very evident from the start that I needed to see a [high-risk] ob/gyn, again, only this time my doctor recommended that I head to UofM, completely out of her “network”. Hell I wasn’t going to argue, you want the best of the best, right? Man am I grateful I did!! See, it was at UofM where I discovered that even with my bleeding disorder, hematology cleared me for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), shall my other doctors agree! Missing Leighton’s birth caused a lot of trauma and I wanted more than anything to have a natural birth! More. Than. Anything! Having an epidural was more of a risk to me due to bleeding, plus it puts you at greater risk for needing an emergency c-section, which would again result in me likely being put under. Nope! I didn’t want to risk any of it so I started practicing hypnobirthing. I had my essential oils picked out, I had my music prepared and had been going through all the prompts with my mother as she was going to be my coach though it. She is my calm, which, duh? Of course she is, she’s my mom!

My team of high-risk OB’s couldn’t give me a definitive answer of course, but they knew it’s what I wanted and it was listed as my birth plan from day one! At 21 weeks I started progesterone shots to help prevent preterm labor, but had to stop after 2 weeks. At this point I hadn’t been diagnosed with PMDD, so I didn’t know that those added doses of progesterone would cause me to spiral downward, fast! That was the first time (that I knew of for certain) where hormonal depression kicked my ass! I mean, I figured I was a mess when taking the pills for OI because it was meant to shake things up, I just didn’t realize they were a contributing factor. Nor did I realize that what I was feeling with the suppositories wasn’t just [normal] “pregnancy hormones” with the added stress of a -possible- miscarriage. Nope, as it turns out, my body doesn’t handle progesterone well. I didn’t discover until after I was diagnosed with PMDD, that natural progesterone levels are at their highest right after ovulation, which is exactly when I start struggling; <- explains a whole lot as to why any time I was on birth control, I also ended up on anti-depressants! So, not being able to take the shots meant more visits and added ultrasounds as once again, I was at a higher risk of losing the pregnancy, not just going into preterm labor. Yay me…

Around 28 weeks baby boy was thriving! He was in the 67th percentile, so it was really up in the air as to if I’d be able to have a VBAC. If he continued to stay far ahead the closer to term that I got, my chances for the natural delivery that I wanted would drop lower and lower. By 34 weeks he had dropped to the 29th percentile, which, in retrospect should have been questioned more, but they viewed him as healthy and my chances looked bright. I only knew he dropped as I started going into preterm labor and had 2 ultrasounds that week alone to monitor him. At 36 weeks with a 5+ hour trip to labor and delivery, they were convinced he was coming that night. After walking the hospital for 2 hours, things weren’t progressing enough so they sent me home, even though my contractions had been consistent for 2 weeks and powerful enough to be considered ‘active labor’ that night… until they stopped. All of a sudden, out of nowhere. <- again, in retrospect one would think there’d be a little more concern but my fluids were intact and all seemed [fine]. Cool? As I mentioned in [15. Twenty-Two] Kellan was almost born on his father -and- my father’s birthday. He was also close to being born on my mother-in-law’s. <- Thankfully he wasn’t, no offense, but if he’s not sharing the day with my husband and my father, Kb deserves his own day just for him! Which he got, when my water broke the very next morning.

When we first got to the hospital everything was progressing as it should. I got hooked up to monitors and was super stoked that the outcome of having a VBAC looked promising! Then… literally out of nowhere like the flip of a switch, nurses came barreling in. I was flipped onto all fours, given oxygen, and my doctor did a quick exam (I think?) as they were wheeling me to the operating room, before Igor or myself could even ask what was happening. Within a matter of seconds I was on the OR table and hooked up to monitors again. I just remember not getting to kiss Igor goodbye as we both had tears in our eyes, without a clue as to why the situation was so emergent. During transport my doctor mentioned that they had [-lost-] fetal heart tones for the last 10 minutes!! <- Are you fucking kidding me?! TEN MINUTES?! Isn’t the >whole< point of being hooked up to monitors in the first place, to assure things like that doesn’t happen? Who the hell wasn’t doing their job monitoring me from the nurses’ stand? 10 minutes? GTFO!

Once lying flat on the OR table and hooked up again, they allowed Igor to enter the room. Adam, one of the senior residents (I don’t know what his official year/title was at the time) sat with me and finally explained what was going on. They didn’t know for sure what happened, but at that time I was stable and baby boy was stable. They weren’t sure if he had moved and went into distress or if I unknowingly moved the monitor not realizing. Whatever the case, it shouldn’t have taken 10 minutes to notice!!! Arg. Anyway, after about 45 minutes of monitoring us he felt comfortable enough to let -me- make the decision on whether or not I wanted to have an elective c-section or return to my room and continue with my original birth plan.

See, what makes or breaks a good doctor is truly their bedside manor. You can be brilliant but if you’re a jerk, your ego will get in the way eventually and it wouldn’t be surprising if you face a lawsuit or two+. Adam listened to me. I explained my previous birth trauma and how important certain things were to me. Like delayed cord cutting, Igor actually being able to cut the cord, skin to skin immediately after birth and most importantly – to be awake and hear his first cry!! He knew how badly I wanted to try laboring naturally and allowed me the [choice] without any pressure (How it should be!). He asked if I wanted to speak with an anesthesiologist first to hear my options shall the need for an emergency cesarean arise. He stood next to me holding my hand while I cried unsure of what to do. Ultimately being awake was [the] most -important- thing so we all agreed that while I wasn’t getting an epidural, pre-placing a catheter in the event I needed to be rushed down again, would give me the best odds at not being put under, as they could pump what was needed during transport. 

They had Igor step out as they placed and tested the catheter for proper placement. They told him it would only be a few minutes so he could go back to my room and wait for me to come back. Only… things didn’t go as planned… AT ALL! Again, within a matter of seconds I was back on my back as they prepared to get Kb out of me as quickly as possible. When they tested the placement his heart rate went from 187 to 58 almost instantly. Adam had previously addressed how important it was for me to be awake with all of those involved, so the nurse anesthetist told me that they’re doing everything they can, but to understand that in order to stay awake they needed to overdose me to work as quickly as possible. Pretty sure all I did was blink and I went from having fluid dripping into my spine to, “Jena can you feel that?” “Prepare for the baby to be out in 90 seconds.” I remember yelling, “Wait, what?! Where’s my husband? My husband has to be here; he can’t miss this! Where is my husband?” as tears streamed down my face. Everything happened so fast that Igor entered the operating room {JUST} as they were pulling Kellan out of me. Igor thought fast on his feet and grabbed his camera when whoever went to get him and started taking pictures as the OR doors opened. The first thing he saw was baby boy literally halfway out of me! ::phew:: He just kept snapping, I don’t even know if he was looking through the viewfinder or just holding it while he pressed the button but he at least got to see it… kind of.

Unfortunately delayed cord cutting wasn’t an option, however Adam made sure to leave it long enough to get [some] benefit as well as allowing Igor to “cut the cord”. My sweet baby came out blue; I of course didn’t know this at the time but it sure seemed like it took forever to hear his first little high pitched cry! He was whisked away to be checked over and then brought over to me and placed on my chest right there in the OR for immediate skin to skin! I am not sure how normal that is, as I’ve only ever seen photos of proud dads holding a wrapped baby next to Mama’s head. The problem is, I was legitimately numb to my neck and he kept rooting upwards towards my shoulders. They weren’t kidding when they said they needed to overdose me. The nurse had to keep adjusting him until he finally found what he wanted and started nursing.::awwmybebe:: And nursing did he ever! Pretty sure I made cream as he was already above birth weight at his first doctor’s appointment. They typically say by 2 weeks babies should have reached their birth weight as they lose weight while in the hospital. He weighed 5lbs 15oz at birth, left the hospital at 5lbs 7oz and was 6lbs 2oz by 5 days old!! ::whaaat?!::

Remember when I said he had dropped from the 67th percentile at 28 weeks to the 29th at 34 weeks? At 38w5d he was born barely making the 2nd percentile. Later that night after walking the halls, I returned to my room to find the MFM attending doctor waiting for me. He explained that had I attempted natural laboring, both myself and Kellan may not have made it. If you recall in [06. HS/Diagnosis] I explained how EDS affects the organs, as it’s a connective tissue defect. As it turns out, all of the complications and near miscarriages were a result of a faulty placenta. I was never actually told what exactly was faulty about it but that he was malnourished towards the end of my pregnancy. He was healthy, but it makes sense why he ate around the clock for a while. My uterus was so thin along my previous cesarean scar that it basically ruptured on its own as surgery was being performed. <- Whoa! That explains why the OR looked like a crime scene in the pictures… ::ShiftsEyesSidetoSide:: I was in a controlled environment and they were prepared, whereas if I tried laboring, there is no question that I would have hemorrhaged and it would have been that much more serious. Obviously doctors cannot [tell] you what you can and cannot do, but he made it -very- clear that getting pregnant again would put my life even more at risk. He told me that if I was his daughter he’d tell me, “it’s not worth it and to not get pregnant again!” Roger that!

Adam, or rather now, Dr. Baruch, clinical assistant professor, will >always< hold a special place in my heart!! I know I didn’t go into detail over just how much he was there for me but I will never forget him! He even came to check on me after his shift had ended and he heard what the attending had to say. I am not the person to walk up to someone off the street and say something, however, about 18 months later I apparently became that person. Ha. Igor and I were in downtown Ann Arbor and saw Adam in a store. I was so SO nervous and hesitant but I -knew- that I [had] to say something; I not only literally survived because of him, but I also survived a very traumatic experience without the mental trauma effects. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about his sincerity and how lucky future mamas will be, to be under his care! Also, you know you’re getting older when the doctor who performs surgery is younger than you. Oy.

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19. No Frenemies Here

“Friendship can be found in the most unlikely places if you’re willing to open your heart.”
– Lisa Currie

In [18. This Ain’t a Fairytale] I mentioned that while I didn’t care that Kevin had lied to me, I did ultimately end up caring in the end for reasons you wouldn’t expect.

Somewhere in the earlier months of 2009, I received an instant message from someone I never expected. Someone I genuinely hated at one point in time. I mean, I named my Mom’s deformed guppies (the ones that were so inbred they looked like the letter S) after this person… ::cringes:: – Hey, I was young and upset and feel terrible now looking back, while still finding it a bit hilarious because this person ended up becoming one of my really good friends. You know the friendships where you can go months, even years without really speaking or seeing one another and it’s as if -no- time has passed at all, you’re still just as connected? Who knew that a friendship like that could blossom out of the ashes of prior circumstances!?! 

The instant message I received was asking about the last time I had spoken to Kevin, as he apparently had saved photos of me on his computer. At this point Igor and I were back together and I didn’t know when I last spoke to him, but was honest about that previous fall. This conversation led to a luncheon to discuss everything. A luncheon with someone I’d easily have put money down in favor of never happening. I suppose it’s a good thing I don’t gamble, right?

If you haven’t figured out who I’m talking about yet, meet Kim; the girl who initially came between Kevin and I, and ultimately the cause of the final collapse of mine and Kevin’s friendship all together. 

See, when Kev first started texting me while I was in Seattle (that previous August), he and Kim were still together. And I knew that. At first we were just catching up, that then led to reminesting and [innocent] flirting. However, flirting with someone knowing that they are in a relationship, no matter how “innocent” it may seem, is >never< okay and I fully admit my wrong doing!! At the time though I really didn’t care because, well, it was Kevin and I certainly wasn’t a Kim fan to begin with. As time went on his texts weren’t as innocent, with follow up replies such as, “What Mama don’t know won’t hurt.” – Yeah, no, I put off hanging out.

Knowing our history, I didn’t want to be in a situation where feelings took over, taking things too far while he was in another relationship. Because, in order of staying truthful I have to admit that it wouldn’t have been the first time, and I swore to him I wouldn’t be that girl again. Not after what I went through with Christopher. [13. Survivor] I couldn’t be the cause of that type of pain for someone else, no matter what my feelings were towards them! Kev and I were magnets to one another, like an addiction; he was my drug and it was easier(safer?) just maintaining distance. Neither of us had the control to stop things in the past and by allowing that to happen, it sent him down that type of path for future relationships. <- Though I do not take blame for that, his actions were(are) his own; I was just the beginning. I don’t know what really went down between them for him to tell me they broke up, but he was very convincing which is why I finally agreed to hanging out…

He was back living with his parents; talk about deja vu! Though, I have to admit it felt damn good hearing how excited his mother was when she -thought- she heard my voice, only to come running with open arms like a giddy school girl who hadn’t seen their best friend in a week! His mom and I had a special bond, she used to tell me to come by for a drink or just to hang out even when Kev and I weren’t together. Of course I never took her up on it, but it was nice knowing she still cared about me! When my mom moved I came across a VHS of his kindergarten graduation that must have gotten lost in the shuffle of day to day, way back when. I mailed it to her with a note expressing how as a mother myself, I know how special these memories are and that it was only right that she get it back. I never heard anything so I can only hope she actually received it, ha. ::crossesfingers::

As I said, we were magnets towards one another, or rather a moth to a flame may be a more accurate metaphor. We were just hanging out, laughing and the next thing I knew he leaned over and kissed me. And like I admitted in [18. This Ain’t a Fairytale] ‘I was in total shock. And confused. Oh, so, so confused!’ He sat back and apologized. I smiled and told him it was fine; not a big deal, only for him to then lean in again…oy. Based on what I mentioned above, how was it that it ended there? I’d like to say maturity but in truth I honestly don’t know what would have happened had I not received a phone call, pulling me back into reality. ::FaceMeetHandsHidingInShame:: That phone call? That phone call was the source of my utter confusion at that moment. Why? Because it was Igor asking if he could stay over. He had just finished soccer, was really tired and didn’t think he’d make the hour+ drive back home safely. Obviously I couldn’t say no to that, no way would I be the cause of him risking his safety! So, Kevin and I awkwardly said our goodbyes and I headed home.

Oooookay, fast forward to that luncheon with Kim… When she told me that her and Kevin had still been together, [girl code] set in! She didn’t deserve it, she needed to know the truth. Even if that meant risking and losing someone who was quite literally in my life from ages 8-21. It could also once again be synchronicity that I was forthcoming because by doing so, it was the final fall for Kev and I. Whether I knew it {sub}consciously or not, telling Kim everything was for the best, as it allowed for that [major] chapter in my life to finally come to an end! As much as I loved him, our relationship was toxic and it took me a long time to see it. 

She didn’t know the extent of our relationship, just that I was the ‘ex-girlfriend’. All of my -hatred- for her wasn’t her fault; she was just as in the dark in the beginning as I was at the end. Sitting there that day, I came to realize what an incredible person she really was! She never once blamed me and from that day forward, she was who’s side I was on. It took her some time to really see the toxicity of their relationship as well, but ultimately she found the right guy!! It’s amazing how life works out – to go from hating someone to becoming such good friends you attend each other’s weddings? I honestly never would have thought it possible! Obviously she too falls under the “after high school most noteworthy” from [Friendships pt. 2] but -our- story required so much more to be explained. 

After I first went public with my blog she messaged me in awe over my strength to tell my story. As a social worker she knows how hard it is speaking your truth and expressed how proud of me she was. She also admitted that the [09. First Love] post put her in “all kinds of feels” stating: “I am so sorry I caused so much pain for you at that time! I had no idea. But I will NEVER forget meeting you for the first time for lunch at Max and Ermas. ❤️ There will always be this beautiful connection and bond with us and I’m so grateful for how sweet and kind and embracing you were to me, when you had absolutely no reason to be.”

The thing is, she’s right, I had absolutely no reason to be but you know what? She also has absolutely >nothing< to apologize for!!! I am so grateful for our friendship and the strength we both developed leaning on one another for support! Like the quote above says, friendship really -can- be found in the most unlikely of places!

**Love & miss you, Kimmy! Let’s get the boys out on their first boat ride this summer & maybe even teach them to fish! I know you’re the girl to call! 😉 Maybe they’ll even be lucky enough to find an owl ring for themselves, haha!**

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18. This Ain’t a Fairytale

“I’m a hopeless romantic and I believe that you can find love in many different places and be very conflicted. I’ve discovered as I’ve grown up that life is far more complicated than you think it is when you’re a kid. It isn’t just a straightforward fairytale.”
– Rachel McAdams

I left off with Igor and I, having the most amazing NYE entering into 2009. <3 [16. Year One] The next morning? Let’s just say… there were earthshattering bombs upon my heart, when revelations came to light. Remember when I had said that we had both been keeping some things to ourselves? Yeah, mine had come out earlier but Igor probably would have kept his to himself even longer, had he not [slipped] and said something that led to more questions and prying of answers. You know when you catch someone guilty of something and they don’t know how to respond because they don’t want to lie but also don’t want to talk about it? We entered into that exact type of situation.

Turns out, “Mr. I’m Not Looking To Date” had actually been on a [few] dates just within the 2-3 months prior. ::boom;heartbreak:: all the while I believed we were getting closer, especially after seeing Wicked. Talk about having your cake and eating it, too (at the expense of your “best friend”)! I walked away from him and locked myself in the bathroom and just bawled my eyes out. I have no idea how long I was actually in there but, homeboy stayed in my room the entire time. When I was composed enough and able to, I kicked him out. I told him that I was so thrown, shocked, not to mention the feelings of betrayal. It was too much! I expressed that, at that point in time, I didn’t know if we could even be friends. I needed him to go and leave me alone. To give me a few weeks and maybe then I’d be able to talk. At least I wasn’t the only one in tears as he walked out the door. I’m glad he felt bad because I didn’t deserve being treated like that!!

So what was I keeping to myself? The fact that Kevin [09. First Love] started texting me again while I was in Seattle. Him and that girl who came between us were ‘broken up’ and it felt nice having the distraction for the both of us. However, by mid-late November I came forward with the truth when I -thought- Igor and I were legitimately becoming something more serious again. Kevin had kissed me and it left me in a total mind fk. In fact, my [Dear Cuz] post – she is who I called right after I got home because I was in total shock. And confused. Oh, so, so confused! Like, I was madly in love with Igor but this was Kevin. It had -always- been Kevin… >prior< to meeting Igor that is. So, that’s when I came forward and told him. I felt it was only fair that he knew the truth because we were technically still “broken up” but our relationship was so much more. However, I needed to know if it was finally time to let him go and allow myself to continue talking to someone I had over 12 years of history with!

Wouldn’t you think that would have been the perfect time to confess about his talking to other women and actually going on a few different dates? I mean, you’d think so, right? No, but you see, it was shortly after my honesty of Kevin kissing me that the Wicked tickets were presented to me. This time, it seemed as though my ‘doing the right thing’ by telling the truth of kissing another guy was in my favor. I stopped communicating with Kevin the way we had been and put the friendship boundary back up. Joke was on me though, apparently Kev and his girlfriend had been fighting but never actually broke up. From Aug. – Nov. I was being played by 2 different guys I had loved so deeply. By the time I had found out about Kev, Igor and I were actually back together and I honestly didn’t care. It was a nice distraction and familiar comfort. Although, I -did- end up {caring} but not for the reasons you would think… In fact, you’ll likely be shocked when I finally explain why that is, I know most of my friends and family were! Ha.

Okay, back to my Isgees. Not talking to him that second day destroyed me. How could just 2 nights ago have been one of the best nights we’d ever had? Laughing until our bellies hurt from playing the game Mad Gab. Such unspoken love (hell, even verbally expressed love) and connection from just a simple touch or eye contact. I had been through some shit [13. Survivor], but this one hurt more than anything else. By day three I couldn’t take it and sent him a text. Just 2 simple words as a reminder of the fun we had NYE: “mash ews”. He replied with a smiley face and “good imes”. <-not a typo, ‘imes’ is correct. That was that. I think we spoke once on the phone around day 5 or 6 for just a few minutes but that was the last time we spoke until day 10. To go from talking multiple times a day, every day, to once in almost 2 weeks. Yeah, it sucked!! 

January 10th, 2009 – Michigan decided to have a sweet ice storm unexpectedly. While it snowed, a lot, nothing really accumulated, just made for terrrrrible driving conditions. I mention this because I recieved what seemed to be an [urgent] phone call from Igor, wondering if I had anything going on that day, seeing if he could come over. That he -had- to talk to me!! He lived in White Lake at the time, which is a sold 30-40 minutes on a good day, depending on time of day. I obviously asked him if he was crazy because there was >no way< I would want him driving in those conditions, especially given the distance!! I told him I appreciated it but that we’d talk another day.

But see, the thing about Mom’s house was that the door was always open for those to come in. Rarely did someone knock on the door and wait to be let in, once they’ve been given the permission of just coming and going. Seeing as how often Igor had been staying over, that same “rule” had always applied to him.  A little over an hour after hanging up with him, Mom and I had one heck of a scare when Tanner (my dear beloved pup [rip]) barked and quickly ran to the door. Low and behold: Igor P. (<- Soo quick funny story; P. is not even his initial. Mom had come across this website that listed likely known family members and we were just putzing around one evening. In looking up Igor, everything associated with his family,  his correct age, old addresses – everything was listed as Igor P. It quickly became a joke/nickname for years to come. BUT!! The best part? We have actually gotten mail for “Igor P.” and I about die laughing every time! Haha.)

I was shocked! Excited but also… mad. I had so many feelings but ultimately I was happy to see him; I really did miss him. So whyy did he find it absolutely necessary to head over during an ice storm? What was SO urgent that he couldn’t wait? He made plans for us to go ice skating. He had even planned on stopping to get flowers but the roads were worse than he thought and decided not to take that extra time/risk. Huh? I had been talking about wanting to go ice skating for a while at that point and he had never been. I myself had only been once years prior with an old friend. I loved it and always wanted to go again. He found a place that had open skate not too far from Mom’s house and wanted to take me. I repeat, huh?! I was so confused, you could tell he was nervous, I didn’t really know what to think at that point. I asked him why and didn’t he initially want to talk? Like, I just told you less than 2 weeks ago I didn’t even know if I could be your friend, to give me time and yet here you are with this grand gesture? WTF is going on?!!

We sat down in the livingroom where he proceeded to tell me that the past 10 days were hell for him. The thought of me not being a part of his life was not a feeling he ever wanted to face again. During the days of not talking he had a lot of time to reflect on the past 10 months and realized that he had -never- been happier in his life. That I have brought out the best in him, saw him for who he really was, respected him, opened his eyes to a world he never imagined with feelings he never knew were possible. When he pictured his future – all of the good, the bad, the adventures, the day to day of daily life, [ I ] was who he saw beside him. I was the person he knew >without a shadow of doubt<, the person meant to be in his life, {for good}!! He was very naive and inexperienced at first and it took him time to see that. This was the first real big decision he made for [himself] that he no longer allowed his parents’ thoughts/feelings to have any influence over. It was -me- he loved. It was -me- he wanted. It was -me- that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. So, if I could find it in my heart to forgive him, he wanted to right his wrongs and officially be together again. ::CueTearsJustThinkingAboutIt:: I accepted his apology and we had an incredible time ice skating.

Now I can say: “from that day forward they lived happily ever after. <3”

Well, in terms of being together at least. Life’s a rollercoaster and happiness isn’t [always] the feeling of the moment, but together we’ll ride the ride until the end, hand in hand.

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17. Strangers

“It’s sad when friends become enemies. but whats even worse is when they become strangers.”
– Hayley Williams

Have you ever had so much you wanted to say to someone but just couldn’t bring yourself to say it; wondering what the point would even be? I have contemplated writing a letter or email for years but I was still in the grieving process, the anger, the hurt, the confusion. Kind of like my letter to Marion [10.Twin Flame] when she disappeared; but something she told me when we reconnected was that she “consciously chose to do so”. Which is true – when someone stops talking to you without explanation [ghosting] and you’ve tried conveying your feelings just to be met with silence or “I don’t know what to tell you” [gaslighting] – that’s on them, an actual choice they made themselves. Friendships come and go all throughout your life and unfortunately not all friendships are meant to last. People come into your life for a reason when you need them, for whatever reason, and exit when the time is right. Sometimes it’s just mutual disconnect and growing apart, other times it’s out of nowhere and one sided. And yeah it hurts like hell when that happens but honestly, it’s their loss! Sadly I guarantee that everyone has experienced something along those lines a time or two+x and it (always) leaves you insecure, wondering what you did. Am I Right? But here’s the thing, [you] didn’t do anything!!

If someone walks away without explanation and completely ghosts you, they themselves have their own issues to work through. Which, okay that’s fine I can accept, but where I find xtreme annoyance (even anger) is when they’re hypocrites, as they themselves have been through it and needed (your) comfort over how much it hurt. Isn’t the {golden rule} to -treat others- the way -you- want to be treated?! If you didn’t like the way someone treated you, why do the same thing to someone else? Oh, that’s right, people only truly care about themselves. My bad! <- Obviously not everyone, but if the pandemic has done anything, it’s shown people’s true colors of straight up selfishness!

So where does this leave me? I was initially just going to write a straightforward letter and leave it here but then I realized that I actually had two people to write about. I planned to leave the letter with the thought that maybe one day they’d come across it. While the other I was going to give the nitty gritty. I think that I’ll save the letter for another entry and discuss a loss that really cut deep, leaving awkwardness in its wake…

Pattie could have gone under both childhood friends and friendships pt 2. We met when I was 11 and she was 21. She was a waitress at one of the restaurants [08. Auntie] and I frequented oh so often. Over the years she became like an older sister to me and another niece to Auntie, she was family. I saw her more than I saw most of my real family, let’s be honest. I mean, she shared pictures of her breast reduction right there while sitting in a booth next to me. Haha.

For my 14th birthday my friends and I had dinner at her restaurant even though she worked day shifts. She surprised me and brought me a beautiful watch for a gift. She was also a cheerleader in high school [06. HS/Diagnosis] so when I had my very first game, she showed up in the stands with a really cute megaphone lamp for me. When I turned 16 she had someone dress up in the restaurant’s mascot costume and dance around singing happy birthday to me – nothing to be embarrassed about, right? Yeah… I was probably just as red as the costume! She came over while I was getting ready for prom. Her sister and I were 20 & 18 at the time, so she made sure the club we went to for her bachelorette party would allow us in. Igor was in Israel at the time so she took me out for my 21st birthday, bought my first legal drink and bottle of wine. It was funny because by that time she was the manager so when I [didn’t] get carded she was pissed even though we weren’t at her restaurant. At the bar afterwards she made a comment loud enough about being sure to show the bartender my I.D., as he too wasn’t about to ask.<- I don’t know how I should take that? Though I was carded at 32 so I’ll call it even. I was at her wedding and then baby shower for her to then be at my wedding and baby shower. In fact, she even came over the morning of my wedding for a quick hug while I was getting ready. Once I was pregnant she gave me tons of maternity clothes and after finding out I was having a boy, she brought me almost a complete wardrobe from her son. She made the desserts and smash cake for Leighton’s first birthday and brought him back a stuffed animal from Disneyworld when her family went for Christmas. The last time I saw her, in terms of actually hanging out and being you know, friends – was January 2014 when my 9 ½ year old was only 16 months.

So how did we go from her being a part of every major event in my life to [>nothing<]? That’s a damn good question!!! However, here’s the hypocrisy. Her Maid-of-Honor and best friend [ghosted] her! She wrote her a letter and it was brushed off. There must be a MoH curse as it happens far too often. I mean, Marion was mine. However, I’d like to think I broke that curse for Lauren’s wedding [02. Dad & 11. Childhood Friendhsips+] but then again, I was her Matron-of-Honor, not maid. And I’ll be a matron again in my cousin Sara’s – so we’re all good. Oh, speaking of Lauren’s wedding; I know I explained in [02. Dad] that one of the two most memorable fights we had growing up was when she threw a handful of panty liners at me, while simultaneously yelling at me to, “eat pads!” ::classic:: I had already written my speech before she asked me if I was going to include that, I wasn’t. However, what she didn’t know was that I had two panty liners (the same old school, folded up in pink wrapping, like she used 20 years prior) closed in my hand while I was giving my speech. Then at the very end, I ended with, “I only have one more thing to say… Lauren – I love you and please do me a favor… eat pads!” and returned the favor of throwing them in her face. It. Was. The. Best!! Obviously only a select few understood why I did it, but she held it together, not letting herself cry, until that moment. It was probably one of the best ideas I’ve ever had. Haha. Anyway, sorry for randomly going off subject, ADHD is fUn my friends!

Pattie’s son’s 4th birthday was that February and the first of his birthdays that I wasn’t invited to. Her excuse was because the kids invited were older and doing dino digs in sand, she didn’t want us to feel uncomfortable with Leighton so young. Um, okay? Shouldn’t that have been my choice? You’d think she’d give me that option considering how close we were. I really didn’t understand and was hurt. However, Igor mentioned that she may have been “butt-hurt” over a comment I left on a status of her’s. Which, I don’t know if she would have been upset or if maybe she thought she upset me? Idk. She had made a comment about someone using an EBT card (food stamps) at the dollar store while their nails were done and they had an iPhone. I tried to point out that “you can’t judge a book by its cover”. No one really has any idea what is going on in someone else’s life. I understand and agree that people cheat the system, however, just because someone {needs} assistance does that mean they [aren’t allowed] nice things from time to time? I used my mother as an example. Mom is on disability and therefore gets assistance, and obvi Pattie knew this. I pointed out that Mom has a smartphone because she was on a plan with my uncles via their business. My dad and Brian wanted to do something nice for her and got her a Coach wallet one Christmas. Should Mom not carry those things around when she needs to use her EBT card? How is that fair to her? Just because someone sees something from the outside doesn’t give them the right to -judge- the situation…

Was I upset over her comment? No, not really. I was annoyed but by responding with what I did was’t to start anything, it was just shedding light from a different perspective. Playing Devil’s advocate. Over the next few months I’d reach out and see how she was doing, expressed that I missed her, etc. She had recently started a new job around Leighton’s 1st birthday that required a lot of time. I understood that but again, to go from talking all the time and only living 3 minutes away from one another to nothing? She was the one who always wanted to be such a big part of my life! Not that I didn’t want her to be, but you know what I mean. Being older she was the one making the choice to be there for me as I grew up. Around the one year mark of being the only one to reach out and receiving very minimal in return – I finally expressed my feelings. You know that whole “insecure, what did I do” thing that crosses your mind when something like this happens? Yeah, it happened. So I asked if there was anything that I did. I explained how I was hurt and didn’t understand. That I missed her and really wanted to know what was going on/what had happened. I was met with a response as though I was crazy and that nothing happened, she was just busy. Not once did she acknowledge my feelings. Not once did she apologize. In fact her exact words were, “I don’t know what to tell you, I’ve just been busy.” <- yup, definitely felt like a brush off with a side of gaslighting. I mean, posting on Facebook all of the fun adventures you’re having with friends and the kids that you’d normally include me in? Oh, sure. “Busy” I got it.

I stopped making much effort after that. I’d occasionally acknowledge something on Facebook but realistically I didn’t see the point. I was clearly no longer a priority in her life and I wasn’t going to sit around begging for friendship.  I never heard from her. Not until one comment on a picture I posted about a local restaurant that is both an Irish pub and sushi bar, over a year after my blown off attempt at maintaining a relationship. A comment about it being good. Da Faq? When I was pregnant with my second I didn’t tell many people. He was a true, true miracle baby and it just felt right keeping it close rather than sharing. Then we had family/maternity pictures and they turned out >so beautiful< that I ended up sharing them on Facebook because how could I not? I didn’t make an announcement or anything, just shared our latest family pictures. I thought I may have heard from her after that since she had recently made that other comment. Nope. I posted the pictures around 3-4 weeks before he was born. Once he was born I obviously made the announcement and shared his newborn pictures etc. Did I hear from her then? Not even a single “like” on a photo. But you know what she did do? She commented on photos of >MY friend’s< new house. They only met [one] time at Leighton’s FirSt birthday!! When I saw that and it had been a few weeks since sharing all the newborn photos, I was pissed. I was done. It just hurt too much. So I unfriended her.

With our kids being close in age they attended the same elementary school. When Leighton was in kindergarten they had a halloween parade outside and as I was walking to a spot to stand her husband called out, “Hey Stranger!” I was so thrown but politely said hello with a smile and asked how he was. That was that. Fast forward to family fun night the following year, I was walking down the hall holding my youngest’s hand and she turned the corner. I happened to look down because Kb said something but she walked right past me, eyes laser focused straight ahead and acted like she didn’t even know me. COol.. The following year’s “welcome back” meet the teachers event was all the more awkward. Any time she saw me she completely averted all attention, turned away. At one point I was walking and she stopped and turned and stood in the doorway looking into Leighton’s old kindergarten classroom. Her son is 2 years older, so why would she be standing there looking into a kinder room? Uncomfortably ignoring me. She stood there for enough time she thought it’d take me to pass and then turned out of the room. She nearly collided with me but I was looking the other way, excusing myself from bumping into someone walking the other way. It was very obvious but we both ignored it. If she’s going to act like she doesn’t know me for whatever reason, sayonara!

When Auntie first had her stroke I contemplated if I would tell her or not when the time came of her passing. I had over 2 years to think about it but ultimately made the decision not to. I do [kind of] feel bad about it, as they were close at one point, but just like most of the rest of the family- no one seemed to give two shits about Auntie once she got sick that I didn’t care for -anyone- being there that didn’t actually care when she was alone. Am I sad about our friendship being over? Of course… I was. I was mad, confused – you know all of the stages of grief, essentially. Someone I dearly loved and cared about was no longer in my life, of course that’s something to be sad over. I actually had a lot of anxiety over possibly running into her [figuratively] all those years, but when she made it distinctly obvious she was avoiding me, all I could do was laugh. She obviously has her own feelings to work through but I can’t care anymore. She no longer holds that uncomfortable power over me. If she does ever want to talk, I’m here but until then, I’ll choose to remember the good times when I was younger rather than how things played out.

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Friendships pt. 2

“Adult friendships are hard. Everyone is busy and life happens. I’ve learned you gotta text people when you’re thinking of them. A simple ‘Thinking of you, hope all is well’ really goes a long way.”
-Rob Lowe

After Highschool most noteworthy:

Kelly: My GFFAE – girlfriend for ever and ever! Have you ever had someone in your life who was kind of your air, you needed them in order to actually breathe? That was Kelly. We actually met back in early elementary school when our brothers were in boy scouts together, like with Lauren [02. Dad & 11. Childhood Friends+]. We were friends but were never really good friends until after graduating. She came to my grad party – yes, I still had a party for my GED [06. High School/Diagnosis]- and we just kind of became inseparable from that point forward. Kelly is more than just a friend, she is like an extension of myself. A soulmate on a different plane of friendship. I don’t know how else to explain it, honestly. She just gets me. Kind of like how Marion is my [10. Twin Flame], Kelly is just a part of me. We both had other friends but her friends quickly became my friends as we were all basically together 24/7 for like 2 years. Kelly’s house became another home in a way, I came and went whenever. I’m honestly having trouble putting into words what our friendship was(is?). Bottom line, we were/are family! Update: Life, life happened. We don’t talk often these days however when we do, it’s as though >nothing< ever changed and no time has passed at all. Same for when she sees my mom, or I her’s. We’re just connected.

My mom comes up with nicknames for everyone, and I mean -every- one of my friends, as well as myself. I am Jeniqua and Kelly is Keliqua. I’ve mentioned that Lauren is Lori Lou, Marion is Mary Kathrynn, and Jessie was Jiz, not realizing what she was saying at first but it just became a running joke… ::facepalm:: And of course Igor became Ivan from one of Mom’s favorite vocalists, Ivan Rebroff. I always thought it was because they’re both Russian, but I just learned while looking up how to spell his name that Ivan Rebroff was actually German!?? ::mindblown::

—–Funny random fact I just thought about- I call Kellan (my youngest) “Bello” or “kB” which came from Kelly-Belly [thanks, Mom], which is originally from Kellan-Bellan turned Bello. Kelly is also KB, which I guess makes her the OGKB. With that said, I now declare her *OGKBGFFAE* bahaha. Nothing to see here, moving on—-

Hannah: Hannah and I met via the online support group through Dysautonomia Youth Network of America. While at the Mayo Clinic Dr. Fischer introduced me to this website where I could connect with other kids/teens with Dysautonomia [06. HS/Diagnosis]. Fastforward 3.5 years later and viola – Hannah appears! Hannah is almost 3 years younger than me, but I look up to her – figuratively AND literally. My poor kids get their stature from their Mama. Ha, ha. Hannah has always been so mature and wise beyond her years that everyone forgets she’s as young as she is (or was? I’ve known her since she had just turned 18). Having Dysautonomia herself, she gets what it’s like to need to cancel last minute without ever holding a grudge. She gets what it’s like when you can’t do anything but sit on the couch while you visit. While she may not be a mother herself, she gets what it’s like to need a break. After Leighton (my oldest) was born, she came over regularly (I almost think it was weekly for a while at first?) to help me out and continued visiting regularly until she took a nursing job at OSU a couple years later. Her friendship is loyal, pure and unconditional; as is her love for my children and the special bond she has with Leighton! Update: Stupid pandemic! Being a nurse in basically a step down ICU during a pandemic changes everything. ::cries:: Don’t get me wrong, she is still very much a part of my life even if we don’t talk as often as we once did. She’s tired. I’m tired. She has her own health to care for and I have mine. Things may not be what they once were but they’ll always be!! I know that no matter what, she’d drop everything to do everything in her power to be there for me if I needed her. Like I said, loyal and unconditional! She was the first person I ever met who also has Dysautonomia (I was going to make an inappropriate joke about being the first, but… I’ll pass by it.) Her friendship has meant more to me than I could possibly explain because she just, [gets it]…

Ashleigh: Ashleigh and I met while I was working towards becoming a CMA,AAMA [12. Life Detour]. Spending hours in labs together we quickly became friends, and I honestly don’t know how I would have finished school without her!! She looked out for me and made sure my health was a priority in clinicals. She was my person as I finished college and sitting next to her during commencements (being my one and only time in a cap and gown) will >always< hold a special place in my heart!!! She’s your firecracker, stereotypical “redheaded” woman and I’d never want her any other way! Between her vocabulary and voice decibel it became a running joke at how often she’d apologize to Igor. Ha, ha. It was so important to her that I stand up in her wedding, knowing very well there was a chance I may not make it, due to her wedding date being a week after Leighton was due. She planned for both scenarios, as if wedding planning wasn’t hard enough? But she’s the kind of person that has to keep busy, always on the go. Which is an ironic way of describing her as she was a flight attendant at the time and her husband is a pilot. It was so difficult trying to figure out a dress for her wedding not knowing where I’d be size wise from the pregnancy. I bought my dress around 30ish weeks thinking that would make sense for being newly postpartum. Yeah, about that… with Leighton coming early, my mother in law had to take the dress in -8 inches- last minute. So, that was fun. Update: Life got difficult with her hubby being a pilot and having 2 kids under 2. For a while she tried making a point to drive out once a month but it just got to be too much. And my not being able to drive didn’t help any. We just kind of stopped talking but it was never on bad terms. Living over 45 mins away from one another and the stage of life we were in, it’s definitely sad but [life just happens]. It’s been a few years since we’ve seen one another but we keep in touch through social media.

Jenna & Matt: My Twinnie and SLSBSubby (secret lover, snuggle buddy, substitute hubby) <- yes, [obviously] they’re inside jokes + Igor is also Jenna’s Subby. Though, Matt is a pretty good snuggle buddy, even if my “legs are weird”. ::sideeyes:: For reference, Matt and Jenna are both 5’11” – I’m barely 5’2″ (yup; I’m only in my mid-thirties and I’ve already started shrinking… ::arggg::) Matt and Jenna have been together since ’04, so being used to snuggling someone her size for so many years, snuggling someone my size would be different, or “weird” according to him. Jenna and I also met in a P.O.T.S. group like Hannah and I, only it was via Facebook. It’s only been a little over 8 years but it’s like we’ve known them our whole lives! Jenna (aka Double N or 2-N Jenna) is the peanut butter to my chocolate, making the perfect Reese’s cup! Okay that was cheezy as hell but I don’t know how else to say it, haha. She’s pb&j with her bestie, and well we both love all things peanut butter and Reese’s soo it works, okay?! I could and probably should make them a seperate post as there is so much to say, but here we go…. Jenna and I are Twinnies because we are freakishly similar when it comes to our likes and things from our past, down to the SAME EXACT wedding dress!!! What? Like, how?

Here’s a short list of where we’re parallel: Favorite shape: stars, favorite animal: pigs (we also both have piggy collections), favorite color: pink (though as I’m getting older I’m leaning more towards purple but pink is still right there!). Halloween, Practical Magic and Jamie Fraser [IYKYK]; hobbies include: reading, puzzles, diamond painting and (the -same-) T.V. shows. We both were 3rd-Keys (basically part time assistant managers) at Claire’s when we were younger and cheerleaders in high school. We both have Dysautonomia/P.O.T.S./EDS and see the [same] cardiologist in a whole different state! I was going to school for forensic science and she was going to be a defense lawyer (<- yes those are very different but you need forensics in the courtroom). Our husbands are both PC gamers (both playing World of Warcraft at the time we met; we even hooked them up playing together before we actually met in person) and are they’re both weird anti-vegetable creatures. Neither of us could survive without pizza, peanut butter or ice cream. We both have a thing for old/antique keys (so much so that we got matching tattoos to represent our POTS, but it’s also an old key with a star, obviously). We both were recovering from “heartbreak” over our best friends <ghosting> us [10. Twin Flame] right around the same time. She’s a writer and I’m a blogger. Neither of us are able to drive regularly or hold a {real} job due to our health. And I repeat: SAME wedding dress!!

So I guess when I said it was like we’ve known them our whole lives, we basically have given our likes and dislikes. The above is quite literally just a >short< list and it doesn’t even touch on Matt & Igor’s similarities besides their love for PC games and disdain for veggies!! Matt is without a doubt the funniest person I know, without even trying. He is so quick with his comebacks or random statements or whatever – I don’t think anyone has made Igor or I cry as much from laughing, than just being around/talking to Matt. Where as Jenna is by far the most mentally strongest person I know, as well as the most thoughtful or generous person I’ve ever met… unless you piss her off!! Like, really truly get on her bad side. Which isn’t necessarily easy to do, even though she’s definitely the Queen of Swords and can be a straight up bitch when needed. <- a title she wears proudly, haha. She truly doesn’t care what others think and is always authentically herself. She has a heart of gold and goes way above and beyond for those she loves!! I can’t even count the number of times her generosity has left me in tears of gratitude since she’s come into my life.

That first year we met, we were basically inseparable – saw each other every to every other weekend and occasionally during the week. They were instantly our best friends. In fact, Matt was the first person Igor felt an authentic friendship with, someone to actually call his best friend. They talked daily whether it was via texting, Matt calling while he waited for his truck to be loaded or unloaded for work, or online gaming. And obvi, Jenna and I did, too!! Problem is: their other friends were starting to get upset and they felt bad letting them down, while also feeling bad for letting us down, as we had become so used to seeing one another so often. Admittedly it got a little awkward because they both started backing away without saying anything. [::Cue low self-esteem trigger: walls up and locked::]

I knew this friendship meant something more to all of us, so I pulled up my big girl pants and confronted Jenna outright. That’s how I learned the above ^… after talking things weren’t as awkward but it wasn’t like year one. Though, just like every new relationship – things slow down as time goes on, right? Prior to Covid we made a point to have monthly game nights on top of whenever else we’d get together. In the 8+ years we’ve known each other we’ve spent 4 NYEs together. They are our travel buddies from annual camping trips [Tent City >evolved<], to Canadian food festivals and ghost haunts at old prisons. We have SO many trips in mind and I look forward to each and every one!! They love our children as their own nephews and the boys obsess over them (particularly Uncle Matt because, well, video games, ::duh::). Matt came over while Jenna and I were out of town last fall to watch one of Kb’s baseball games [on the sidelines -alone- since Igor was coaching and Leighton was batboy]. He even then picked up pizza and they had a “boys night”. We may not all talk or see each other as often as year one but they’re still without question some of our best friends!! Scratch that, they’re [Family!]!!

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16. Year One

“The eyes of love have 20/20 vision when focused on another, and become entirely blind when focused on ourselves.”
– Author: Craig D. Lounsbrough

“And from that day on, they lived happily ever after. <3
– The end.” [14. Forever & Always] Taylor Swift wasn’t wrong when she sang, “this ain’t a fairytale” because life simply isn’t as easy as that!

Coming from the Jewish-Russian background there is some truth behind the stereotype of a “Jewish mother’s guilt.” And does Igor know it all too well. Thankfully mine isn’t too bad but there were definitely times that she laid the guilt down heavily. I try my best not to make my kids feel that way because they are their own people, I respect their boundaries as human beings and do not believe in dictatorship. Now, that doesn’t mean I am a “free range” parent because I definitely am not, there are rules to be followed, but I respect my children’s feelings and honor their autonomy for who they are. Here’s a quick example: my children are both biologically male and identify as so. My oldest decided when he was 5 that he wanted to grow his hair out, but felt pressured by society to cut it as “boy’s don’t have long hair” according to my in-laws [especially..] So he cut it, and instantly regretted it because he no longer felt like himself. After a few more hair cuts he realized that he didn’t care what people thought, he wanted his hair long (at first it was because Mom had long hair- you know that whole “young-child Freudian theory”, but as it grew he felt more and more himself.) He was and still is often referred to as a girl by strangers because he really is pretty and his long hair is gorgeous! At first it really bothered him, he didn’t understand why others just -assumed- he was a girl; it became the perfect time to open discussions about gender, society, and “old world” thinking. How some people won’t understand, respect or agree with his decision and he may get made fun of for it.  After a while, he just stopped caring! We have always tried to instill that in life, you need to do what makes >you< happy, even though others may not agree or like it. It’s NOT easy to do, especially when people you care about don’t agree, and that kids at school (& people in general) can be mean. If you make a decision that causes you to stand out, you need to accept there may be backlash and that you need to be strong enough to not let it change who you are. If it makes you uncomfortable we’ll work through it and come up with a solution, but that being who you are is important, is validated, is okay! As long as you are happy and not causing any harm – {nothing} could or would ever make us feel differently towards him!!!

This whole situation has made him so strong in not caring that he stands out. At school he is one of the only ones in his class still wearing a mask and using a plastic divider at his desk. His response to being different? “I’m the boy with long hair, I’m used to being the only one that is different.” <- Oh my heart sweet child! I could not have been more proud in that moment as a mother! See, the thing is, he has always been different and stood out because of his giftedness, and the fact he -knew- his brain worked differently broke my heart because he saw it as a flaw. Thankfully now he embraces it and isn’t afraid to humbly-brag. Oxymoron? Eh, whatevs. He is who he is and while it isn’t easy at times, I couldn’t be prouder for who he is becoming!

Before I came into Igor’s life he didn’t know how to stand up for himself against his parents. He never wanted to disrespect them, but he realized that being able to voice your own feelings and opinions, especially as an adult, is not only okay, it’s crucial to your own life’s happiness! His family doesn’t see it that way. He is their child so he should do as they say. Much like how they feel we are Leighton’s parents so we are the ones who decide how his hair will be. He is young and shouldn’t be able to make choices like that for himself… F THAT! I would -never- expect Igor to disrespect his parents, but simply speaking up to them, against what they say, even when done nicely, is disrespect in their eyes. I mean, they moved to America to give their children a better life, it shouldn’t be a surprise when they grow up “American” with American Xennial views. Oh man, I have so much to say but I’ll leave that for another post(s)… or try to at least, haha.

As I said in [14. Forever & Always] I was honest about my health from day one, even though he may not have understood the extent of it. I do not have Fibromyalgia, but it is a term he was kind of familiar with so I used it as a way of explaining my pain from EDS [06. HS/Diagnosis]. His older brother (and roommate at the time) overheard and went straight to his parents. He may have been older but maturity wasn’t there yet; he still told his parents everything. Looks as though Igor wasn’t the only one to feel he wasn’t allowed to have his own life. It actually took until meeting his own wife to also grow a “backbone”, per say. That led to a shitstorm thrown into Igor’s lap about how I was basically “defective”. That he shouldn’t want to be with someone [sick] because it’ll ruin his whole life, who knew what would be passed down to >his< children, etc. To them it’s all about how {they’re} perceived by -others-! My mom made a comment once about how if we wanted a third child we could always adopt; I wish I had my MIL’s reaction on film – you’d have thought my mother spoke of witchcraft back in the 1690s. The disgust, the horror, the shame, the shock. The spoken, “Oh, no. No, no, no.” as if just saying the word “adoption” was taboo enough. ::rollseyes::

Anyway, with Igor having never been in a real relationship prior me, everything his parents said got to him. He was confused and wondered, what if they were right? He didn’t know any better because again, at this point in time he was still very much under their thumb. Which – led to us breaking up… after 2 months of being together 2-3x a week and talking daily for 3 months. I was so thrown off I didn’t even know what to think. It literally came out of nowhere!

But as time went on I realized it was more like when Kev and I used to “break up” [09. First Love]. We still hung out fairly regularly and talked daily. We were each other’s “besties” and neither of us were pursuing anyone else. Annnnd ultimately still hooking up (though not at first). I think the second time we hung out post “break up”, we had gone to the zoo (the first being like a half hour visit because I needed to get him his 25th birthday present I had already bought). The zoo was part of his Jdate profile questionnaire [14. Forever & Always] regarding an ideal first date, a date that never happened while we were [together.] This was probably 3 weeks after the “break up” and it was genuinely a great day! At the end of the evening, my heart burst with jOy when Igor –asked– if he could >:kiss:< me! How stinkin’ adorable is that? I mean 10/10 in terms of respect but also, awe!!<3 I wanted nothing to do with this break up and he knew where I stood. So, in my heart, I felt that maybe this was him reconsidering his choice… but no. He just missed me and was even more confused than ever because, how could something that’s not [supposed] to be, feel so {wrong} not being so? He had never been happier in life before I came into the picture; I was the first person to open his eyes to a whole different world and the thought of me not being a part of his life just didn’t make sense!

However, towards the end of summer I noticed some new female friends commenting on his Myspace that were questionable for someone claiming they weren’t [looking to date anyone]. I sort of felt defeated, not going to lie. I [knew] we weren’t together but it was -just- like it was when Kevin and I were “off” but {not off}. Was I destined to a life of on-again/off-again relationships? Was I subconsciously allowing myself to be used (per say) thinking it was keeping them close? Why did I keep putting myself in these situations?!? Oh yea ..>< Love ><.. Only, it was different with Igor! If you were to ask me who I loved more, it would honestly be a complicated answer. My love for the both of them was/is so different that they’re simply not comparable!! With Kev it was the butterflies, childhood memories, teenage hormones and the {“firsts”}, but with Igor it was as if my whole being felt such a deep rooted connection, a calmness and -completion-. My heart and soul just felt complete with him near.

At the end of August I headed out to Seattle for nearly 2 weeks to see my long lost bestie, Tiffany. [11. Childhood Friendships+] I fell \ IN LOVE / with the city and truly considered moving there! A fresh start. I purposefully made it a point to talk to Igor as little as possible: out of sight – out of mind. Simply enjoy my time with someone I hadn’t seen in 5 years. If we talked it was because he texted me. I did send him a postcard because, well, I may have been hurting because of him but he was still my best friend and the one picking me up at the airport when I returned. However, while in Seattle someone else started texting me again and wanted to get together when I returned. I’ll give ya one guess since it’s not like my love life wasn’t already complicated enough or anything. ::faceMeetpalm:: 

After getting my bags I was met with the biggest bear hug, kiss and a gift. I guess a coworker was making candles and he asked if he could get one for me. Dang this rollercoaster of a thing called, <life> sure has its twists and turns. That candle by the way was never used and currently sits on display in our main bathroom. What can I say, I’m a simple sentimental kind of gal. And by simple there really isn’t anything simple about me in retrospect, but at the same time… yeah, yeah I am! ::shrugs::

Over the next couple months things were status quo between us, though we both were keeping some things to ourselves, which neither of us found out until a while later. I don’t remember where in the exact timeline he started, but he started playing soccer Friday evenings with a co-worker in Ann Arbor. With Ann Arbor being closer to me than him, he often just stayed the night at my place afterwards. I went to some games and his co-worker’s girlfriend just couldn’t understand why we weren’t together. Honey, same? He went on a business trip to Chicago and when he returned he came right to my house with yet another gift. Huh, if you’ve read my [Husband Appreciation] post you’d know he’s not a gift giver, and yet, now I’ve received 2 in maybe 2 months? This is what we call -deception- my friends. Haha. Joking, kind of. But really, I find humor in this now reliving it because that wasn’t the last gift I’d receive while still “broken up” – in fact there were 2 more in December alone! ::HandsToCheeksShockedFace::

I come from a very musical family and love musicals. My grandfather used to take me up to Stratford, Canada to see them growing up. Stratford is known for their Festival of modern and Shakespearean plays in multiple theaters. It was also tradition that he sang, “Sunrise, Sunset” from Fiddler on the Roof at family weddings; I am so, SO grateful that he was able to at mine!! What an honor to bear witness, what became his last [true] performance! All of that said, one of my favorite live shows is }Wicked{ and I had seen it once before. Mom had gotten me tickets for graduation; so Jessie and I went since it was Jessie who introduced me to Wicked to begin with. [11. Childhood Friendships+] Wicked was coming to town and Igor got us tickets! What?! He even made plans with his best friend to get tickets for him and his girlfriend, too. It was the first time I had met either of them. Yup, 9 months and I hadn’t even met his best friend. Also, not awkward at all to have his girlfriend, whom Igor had only met briefly once before because the relationship was still new, pick me up so I could wait with her until the guys came after work. Nope, not awkward at all… <- Honestly? I don’t know how I did it! But she was so friendly and outgoing, she talked as if we’d been friends forever. That’s just the kind of person she is, though, we really did end up becoming friends and they even ended up getting married one month before Igor and I.

For those who are unfamiliar with the show, one of the most popular (punny because there is a song Popular) known songs is, >For Good<. If you haven’t heard it you must, here; you’re welcome! Here are just a few of the lyrics but the main point of the song:
“Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better
And because I knew you
Because I knew you
I have been changed
For good”

So good, right? I get chills just thinking of Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth singing it! With Marion being my [10. Twin Flame] this song always resonated with the two of us, still does. I think of both her and Igor anytime I hear it, must be because they’re my two counterparts! Anyway, during the show, during that song, Igor grabbed my hand, held it tightly and tried his best not to let the tears in his eyes fall down his cheeks. I was unaware at the time, but apparently he bought a necklace from the souvenir stand, and said necklace was given to me for Christmas! There went my heart flip-flopping again! Guys… see what I mean when I jokingly call his actions deception? Like, how does one NOT take that as a good sign?!?! We spent New Years together and it was honestly one of the best evenings together since the “break up” that it/I legitimately felt like we were getting back together… [officially].

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15. Twenty-two

“Synchronicity is an ever present reality for those who have eyes to see.”
-Carl Jung

For those unfamiliar with numerology, the number 2 is associated with destiny, partnership and harmony. Therefore, the number 22 corresponds to great compatibility and thus, a forever kind of love and deep soul connection. Our first date was the 22nd of March, 2008 and the day we got engaged was the 22nd of August, 2009. The engagement happened just after midnight, he couldn’t wait any longer, so while he didn’t [plan] for it to be the 22nd – you know what I’m about to say… you betcha, more synchronicity! Oh, and let’s not forget that 22 has been my lucky/favorite number my entire life.

I kind of get chills writing this because yesterday I was doing a deep dive into Human Design and Gene Keys. (Actually I started down the rabbit hole for Human Design two weeks ago and my brain may have broke.) “The Human Design Theory is a logical system that brings together principles of The I Ching, astrology, Kabbalah, Hindu-Brahmin chakra system, and quantum physics. Your Human Design Chart, also called a BodyGraph, is calculated using your birth date, time, and place, to reveal your genetic design.” “The idea of the Gene Keys is that they’re numbered human qualities that get modified based on frequency, or your energetic vibration. There’s a “Shadow” that’s expressed at a lower frequency, while the same quality is expressed as a “Gift” at a higher frequency.” These are also believed to be implanted at birth and are calculated with some of the same principles for human design.

Raise your hand if all of the above just went wayyyy over your head; because at first – same! Like I said, I think I broke my brain. I’m still recovering and haven’t even touched the surface so [don’t!!] feel inadequate for not understanding. I only had to share the above to get to my {next} point. The reason why I got chills is because yesterday was the first time I looked into Gene Keys, had my mapping done and what not, and discovered that my main Gene Key out of 64, is >- 22 -<

– – G-U-Y-S – – – Commmmmme ooooonn!!! Like, I don’t even know what to say after that, about any of it. Except that right after learning that, Kb told me that his lucky number for the day, according to his cheese stick wrapper, was 22…

Synchronicity strikes again! Igor is more of a coincidence man, he doesn’t believe everything happens for a reason. He doesn’t >feel< that, [deep within your soul, every fiber of your being, emotional, spiritual sensation] when you just -know- there’s more to it. You may have heard of the term, “godwink” – that could be and often is used in place of synchronicity for those who believe in a divine intervention, especially when following a prayer.

The next two things I’m going to share could be viewed differently. Some may say that it’s a psychological phenomenon – almost Freudian, as though it’s because of one that draws me to the other. OR it could be viewed as a sign, another synchronicity. While I do understand why someone may think it’s a psychological or even physiological response, I do not!! For starters, I had already fallen before I knew one of these two things… That thing being: Igor wore the same cologne that my father wore when I was a kid. ::scrunchesface:: There was no way I would have known that before we met. Heck, I didn’t even know it until my mom asked Igor what he was wearing when they met for the first time. Which happened to be our second date, he picked me up at the house and brought my mom chocolate!! Um, keeper or kissass? Both? Normally you’d expect the one going on the date to be the one receiving something, however, Igor viewed it as going to my mother’s for the first time so he wasn’t going to go empty handed. SOo, keeper, definitely keeper!

Number 2) My dad and Igor share the same birthday: 5/24. Igor was almost born on his mother’s birthday: 5/26 and our youngest was almost born on his grandmother’s, Papa’s AND father’s: 5/27. Kb being our miracle baby that was definitely not planned! Here’s the thing about May 24th, though. Not only is it my father’s birthday, my husband’s birthday, it was ALSO Brian’s [02. Dad] mother’s birthday. My husband. My father. My father’s husband’s mother. ::chillsright?:: Someone could argue that I was [looking] for “signs”, but let’s be real, you cannot force how you feel about someone! You can lie to yourself and truly believe your feelings, but you cannot control that soul pulling connection. Next argument would be [lust] due to said, “looking for signs”. Lust? Lust is just sexual infatuation, something being demi I do not personally understand. Thank you, next!

Did I really just quote an Ariana Grande song? Possibly. Have I ever actually heard the song? Nope! If it came out after I’ve been a mother, isn’t T.Swift and is not the Wiggles, chances are I’ve never actually heard the song let alone the artist’s name. What can I say, I’m officially >old< and no matter how many times I swore I’d be a “cool” mom… reality sets in, and she’s a bitch. Speaking of getting older, you get forgetful. Yeah, I know you know what I’m talking about! I don’t typically forget much, which is great being that I’m blogging about my life/story/truth, but I do tend to forget if I’ve already shared something. My apologies now if I ever come off as redundant. That said, I swore I’ve already written about something but I just asked Igor and he says that I haven’t, so I’m going with that. Although, his memory may be one of the worst of anyone I know so Idk if I should, but I am. Ha.

If Igor was wrong, you can ignore this next part or take it as a refresh as to why I once again, don’t believe things just -happen- by chance. Anyone who knew me back when Taylor Swift first released music, knows how much I adore and love everything about her. Some hate her music because it’s just her “telling stories”, but uh, isn’t all country music? So she writes about failed relationships – don’t most artists write about what they know? She’s been writing since she was a child, just because she released some old music from diaries past, doesn’t mean she deserves all the hate! Not only that, her song writing skills go beyond what she releases for herself. She’s probably helped write some songs that you’d never realize were her words behind the voice who’s singing them! So [haters, hatin’] back off already! Anyway, with the tangent of my love for T.S. over, let’s talk some more about 22. What song did she release that has kind of become a “cult phenomenon” marking a new milestone birthday? Oh, that’s right – {“22”} – <3

I have been fortunate enough to see Taylor live, twice (some would say that’s nothing but let’s remember those who’d give everything just to see her once, from the nosebleed sections! I am fortunate and I admit that!) Following my car accident [12. Life Detour] and all of the uncertainties I faced, my phenomenal fiance (at the time) bought me tickets for my birthday to see her live for the first time, as an incentive to help me get {though it all} with something to look forward to!! Being that we had no idea about my walking status at the time of purchase, he made sure we were in a handicap location. That location brought me one of the best days of my life! You see, by being in that handicapped location, it led me to -meeting- AND -hugging- (multiple times) my celebrity heroine!! I was in such shock that I just cried and told her how much this meant to me and how much I loved her. Hearing Taylor Swift say, “thank you, and I love you” while giving me a bear hug, might just top every moment, ever. Bahaha. ::JokingNotJoking::

Those tickets – were purchased for my 22nd birthday…

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14. Forever & Always

“Everything I need is right here by my side; I’m only up when you’re not down, don’t wanna fly if you’re still on the ground-  it’s like, no matter what I do… I’m only me when I’m with you!”
– Taylor Swift

I don’t believe in coincidence. I know that not everyone will agree with me, especially Igor, [ ironically? ] but I believe everything happens for a reason, as there are way, way too many synchronicities in my life!! Take this post for example: the perfect timing to discuss my Isgees would be right here. It also just so happens to be number -* 14 *- in the timeline. I may not have had >everything< completely written to this point, but I did have an ideal timeline since I was originally writing a book. It was actually Igor who suggested I blog instead. He believes that I have an important story to tell, but also a uniquely-different perspective in my current life, as a chronically ill wife and mother to children with their own challenges. <- Color me impressed; he’s not wrong!

So where is the synchronicity you ask? Igor and I met and started dating -* 14 *- years ago, this past week… booom, mind blowing, huh? But no seriously, what are the odds? I know I have a few mathematicians in my life but even they have to admit you get chills reading that! There’s more along the way within our story, don’t worry. For 1) or is it technically 2)? Eh, how about we just go with it and not number them because it’ll likely become too confusing for us both. (And yeesss, I know technically that “should have” had a question mark ending because of the [how about], but quite frankly it just didn’t sit right with me.) ANYWAY… given current events, wouldn’t you say that synchronicity is at play once again, given that Igor immigrated here from Ukraine? More or less that his/our story (post) just so happens to align with what’s going on currently in his hometown. Or the fact that when he moved here initially, he lived down the street and was friends with my cousins from Oak Park, 40 minutes away from where I grew up? I’m tellin’ ya – nothing happens by chance!

After my heart was shattered, my mom and her friend tried hooking me up with a waiter (who was working on his masters in mathematics, ^  ironic…). He was a newly-divorced, single father who had recently moved out of the house located right next to my elementary school, to an apartment just up the road from where I live now. His name was Gary and after one date we both didn’t see it going anywhere. Now, if you’re unaware of this, it’s not uncommon for Eastern Europeans to change their names after immigrating here. Wanna know what Igor’s parents wanted him to change his name to but he refused? If you’re thinking, “Gary” – then you’d be correct! ::facemeetpalm:: Freakin’ synchronicity, I’m telling you!!

One day I was messing around on Myspace (awe, I miss making those custom profiles! Too bad I have completely forgotten any and all coding I knew by heart. Don’t use it – you lose it, right?) and saw someone talking about a new site, My Yearbook or something like that, and out of curiosity I clicked on it to check it out. I honestly do not remember anything about the site but I think it was a failed attempt to be the next new Myspace/Facebook. There was an article on the first page of some male celebrity talking about how you don’t have to be Jewish to join *Jdate*. Jdate? WTF is that? Turns out it’s an online Jewish dating site. I had never tried, let alone considered, joining an online dating site. I was still young, but sure, why the hell not? Growing up in Canton [01. Hello] there really wasn’t any exposure to Jewish guys so I joined for shits and giggles, never expecting to seriously find someone! I am not religious [I’d consider myself spiritual, however.] nor am I fully Jewish. It’s funny, In Jewish culture if your mother is Jewish, you’re Jewish. Yet, in Catholic tradition you follow your father’s religion. It’s no wonder I’ve had trouble discovering the real me – I’ve been mixed up since day one! HA, ha.

At first I didn’t pay anything because you can have a free account, ::PausesForInappropriatStereotypicalLaugher:: but if you wanted to message and actually connect with someone, you needed a paid account. I figured I’d give it a month since you had to pay monthly. The very first day I spent like an hour, maybe 2, just browsing around reading people’s profiles when I should have been doing homework. I really didn’t want to pay, but I just kept going back to this one profile in particular. His answers to the preset questions just drew me in. I could barely even see what he looked like because his profile picture was of him crouched down by a car, at night, from a distance. Really? Seems odd for a dating profile photo but okay – it wasn’t his photo that drew me in anyway, so it didn’t matter that I couldn’t really see him. That’s when I actually discovered you had to pay because I just felt drawn to messaging him. In the meantime other people had messaged me and I chatted with a few guys but I was more fixated on waiting to see how the first guy would respond to my message.

Two days. I didn’t hear back from him for two days. Why is that? I could insert the inappropriate reasoning for my laughing earlier… buuuut let’s just say he didn’t want to pay for the account either. He sat on it because apparently he had been trying the whole >online dating thing< and it wasn’t working for him. He decided to take a break for a while. Apparently it’s not uncommon for someone to message you just saying, “hey” <- which, why? If you’re interested in getting to know someone why would you just say, “hey’? I guess that shows where you stand as far as maturity goes. He didn’t want to pay just to get a message like that, and honestly, I can’t blame him. But see, if you knew him, you’d know that he is -way- too curious of a person to just let it go. The battle between “wasting money” and his curiosity came to a halt on February 26th, 2008.

To his surprise, it wasn’t just a “hey” but a rather lengthy message responding to most of his profile questionnaire. He responded but his “signature” at the bottom of the message was so far down, like if I wouldn’t have scrolled down all the way I would have missed it. That said, sitting across from my mom I admittedly asked, “What’s I, G, O, R?” ::turnsred:: In my defense, I knew that the name Igor was spelled that way, but I was so confused as it was so far down, alone, with nothing else, that I wasn’t sure if it was some short hand/phrase I wasn’t aware of in the online dating world. Kind of like A/S/L from when chat rooms first started becoming popular. And we can’t forget that I grew up in Canton. While it may have been a very diverse area, there certainly weren’t many, if any, Russians/Ukrainians known in the mix… It was a blonde moment, okay? Geez. Also, I was blonde at the time so I can get away with the excuse! ;-p

And from that day on, they lived happily ever after. <3
– The end. 

{{Bahahah! I don’t think I could say that with a straight face even if I tried!}}

Oh man, there is so much to say in regards to us and I don’t know what to say when or where, I mean 14 years is almost half my lifetime!

After that first message exchange, we couldn’t stop talking. We spoke on AIM practically day and night – which was super productive when you have school and work to worry about. Our connection was immediate. Talking to each other from day one just felt so natural, like I was talking to a best friend. I was myself, I was up front about my health (which, he didn’t understand the complexities at the time but it didn’t prevent him from getting to know me – yet.) I looked forward to telling him about my day. I was honest from the very beginning and told him that there were other people from the site who were interested in getting to know me. He was patient and understanding. I only ended up going out on one date with one other guy from the site. But again, I  was honest and talked with Igor prior to and immediately after. He wished me luck and asked how it went. We had a legitimate friendship right off the bat! Deep down, I knew there was more to this than just a friendship or just some guy I’d date without it actually going anywhere. Due to past relationships, it was difficult to be vulnerable. I had a habit of starting to get close only to push away before I’d allow myself to really develop feelings. I remember writing this long email explaining my history with that and basically begged him not to allow me to try and push him away. I didn’t want to run, I knew there was more between us but I also knew myself; which is why I had to come right out and be honest. But you know what? That feeling of running, of pushing away before getting too close… that feeling never came!!

My birthday was almost 2 weeks after we started talking and I invited him to dinner with friends, though he declined. We hadn’t actually met in person yet so I understood, it’d be weird and uncomfortable, especially for how quiet he is. Which, I gotta be honest, I had no idea was legit because he seemed so open and entertaining with me, you’d never know he struggled with small talk! I joke that he just didn’t want to get me a birthday gift. <- & no I won’t let him deny that being any part of the decision, ha, ha. We talked for nearly a month before we had our first date. Literally day and night. Knowing now how invested he gets when he has a gaming need to be met, (Almost like an addict needing their fix only it doesn’t last. Actually now that I think about it, any time he has a new interest he’s all in, all of the time, until his itch has been scratched and he’s moved on.) I feel honored and special that he was investing so much time talking with me, while simultaneously playing W.O.W. in the evenings. I must have been the new [all in, all of the time] interest for him… he just never moved on. <3

By the time our first date came I was nervous, but also at peace. I remember sitting in the parking lot talking to my mom when I saw him pull up and park; instant butterflies. Our plan was to meet up at Fountain Walk in Novi for Cold Stone and glow golf – a cute, simple first date. We “met” for the first time, right there in the parking lot between what was once Hooters and Emagine… classy.

{{ 42*29’24.4”N and 83*29’04.1”W }} <- We have a wooden sign in our family room with the coordinates saying, “where it all began”.

I’m pretty cheesy like that. Actually, I prefer sentimental. So, I’m pretty sentimental like that!

I’m a very affectionate person. I hug everyone, snuggle next to my friends to watch a movie, etc. Being a male raised within the Russian culture, Igor was not used to affection, at all. So when I hugged him when we first met it was a little awkward. And during putt putt when I’d pass him to move out of the way, I’d lightly caress his back or arm or whatever, just needing that physical connection. I was already falling for the guy, hard, it was difficult not being closer. I mean, we had been talking day and night for nearly a month; he easily quickly became one of my best friends! He says it was “sweet” looking back but didn’t know how to react at the time. Due to history, my mother was on high alert, knew what our plans were and whatnot. Thing is, we didn’t want the date to end. We ended up going to see a movie, Vantage Point, during which time my mother felt it necessary to call me multiple times. When I wasn’t answering she called Putting Edge looking for me, imagine her embarrassment when they asked her how old I was. ::crieslaughing:: No, looking back I probably should have filled her in but at the same time, I was an adult. I understand her worry, though out of character for her; I find the whole thing hilarious. After the movie we headed over to 12 Oak’s Mall to walk and talk more. The date lasted over 5 hours!! We genuinely just enjoyed being together. When I hugged him goodbye I was too chicken shit to do so, but I wanted to give him a kiss on the cheek so bad, ha,ha! Our second date was 3 days later and our third – 4 days after that; while also continuing to talk day and night. I don’t even know what we talked about but we couldn’t get enough.