Okay, so here’s the deal. This entry is completely improvised, on the spot and will not be formatted or anything special. I don’t even care if I edit it, I’m just so damn frustrated!!
Of course, now I just received an email that has me in tears so writing this will be all the more difficult… FFS!
Breathe. In slowly, out slowly. Repeat.
I was initially going to rant about how messed up health care is in America, and I will at some point, but I need to rant re: covid-19 first! As someone who is chronically ill, it’s so damaging knowing that your life literally doesn’t mean a thing to Joe Shmo on the street. It’s a total mind fk! I get it, we’re ALL tired and angry and over it. But this pandemic isn’t over! And no, I am not Naïve in thinking this virus is going anywhere. BUT! It still needs to be taken seriously, if not for yourself than for those of us who are at severe risk of complications!!
Admittedly, I am not Christian, but isn’t the whole Christian belief supposed to be about caring for others? Caring for thy neighbor? Loving and respecting one another? The only thing I have been met with is, “stay home then” as if I don’t deserve to [live] as well! Why is my life less important? To date, we have lost 942,006 human beings to Covid-19 in the U.S. alone. And yes, I know I will be met with backlash that not every death was covid related and blah blah flippin blah. I get it. I understand and agree numbers may not be 100% accurate, but isn’t one life lost enough? If you could do your part knowing that you’re doing the best you can to save someone’s life, isn’t that enough? For those who are pro-life they sure don’t act like it. They protest, “my body, my choice” but isn’t that down right hypocrisy?
It hurts. I am angry. I am sad. I am beside myself that people are so desensitized to the death toll and have completely lost their empathy!! The only way through this is together! Why is it when 9/11 happened that everyone came together in unity, but now it’s all political? I truly feel I am living in an alternate reality…
Do you know how heart breaking it is as a parent to witness the fear and anxiety their children face knowing they may potentially bring home said virus that could turn their world upside down with the loss of a parent? The guilt they already feel when nothing has even happened? It fucking sucks! Yes, I am terrified myself but I do everything in my power to assure my kids that everything is going to be okay! We are all vaccinated, we wear our masks, wash our hands, stay out of public when possible- hell, we even still wipe our groceries down! We do our part and by continuing to do so, we will prevail. <- but will we? I honestly wish I could promise them that but I won’t (can’t) make a promise I cannot keep!
What triggered this rant that took me away from venting about health care, is the fact our school district has decided to drop the mask mandate later this month that has been in place since August. My oldest, who has severe anxiety, is already saying he can’t return to school. School is and always has been his [happy place]! He is gifted and loves learning everything he can more than anything. After being home/virtual all year last year, being in the classroom has meant everything to him. But now? He’s taking on the burden of potentially bringing home something that could potentially kill me. How TF do I calm his nerves? How TF do I make him feel safe and comfortable? The answer is, I can’t… and that is more heart breaking and damaging than anything else!
I’m scared. I’ll admit it. I’m scared for myself. I’m scared for the the impact this is going to have on my children. I am scared for my parents, brother and everyone else out there who is high risk. As an empath, I genuinely, deep within my soul, simply cannot comprehend what is happening. My kids need answers that I cannot give them, as I myself need the same damn answers.
How do we legitimately live without just surviving? How do we forge forward while maintaining our mental health stability, strength and courage? Please, please someone help me understand because my own light is dimming day by day.