Tag: Taylor Swift

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Expedition Complete.

“It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me”
– Taylor Swift

Fauq… I’m lying here in bed unable to sleep, tears in my eyes and just a sense of, well, nothing. Granted yes, my serotonin levels are low and maybe this has become my new thing, blogging when my hormones get the best of me? I’m not sure what’s better, that or cutting my own hair? They both seem to happen that way. 

See, I just read my last entry and it made me tear up, but again, there’s nothing. Numbing almost. It has recently been brought to my attention, via an intervention of sorts, that I have been living in a state of avoidance and unintentionally inducing solitude and isolation. Yes, work has been crazy busy but not any busier than say, March, when I was working full time. I’m averaging 5-6 hour days 4 days a week and a few added hours every other weekend. But, because my hours are flexible, if I take time during the day to do something other than work, I still have to put in the time to get my stuff done. Thus, making it seem as though I really am working ALL. OF. THE. TIME! 

Then by the time I am done working I am exhausted; the kids being home on summer break while I’m working has been an event in and of itself. Not to mention my husband having his own crisis within his own mind and him just up and leaving for hours to play pickleball.

I want to blame my Cancer rising and Sagittarius moon for allowing me to put a wall up, to hide within my shell and ignore the world around me. And I could, but I still have to remember that there is light and shadow with everything and this reaction of hiding via my Moon & Ascendant is just a story I’m telling myself. Oh, yeah, I forgot to share: I’m now -officially- a >certified< astrologer and personal development coach, with an emphasis in positive psychology! ::bows::

So there’s that…

Anyway, so this hiding bit. I’m really not sure when it started but I’m pretty sure I know the trigger now that I have actually taken the time to look back. Mid May I went out to Connecticut for a work seminar of sorts and it was INCREDIBLE! It was also great to -finally- meet my bosses/coworkers for the first time, after working for TSE for 8 months and being a community member for 14! But, I messed up. Absent-mindedly, in the moment, I gave my cell number to a community member to text me something non-work related. Which, okay, that’s fine. However, 2 other community members saved my number and were talking about it with the big boss lady. I stepped over the workplace/personal boundary and it stirred up feelings of prior team members crossing said boundary in a negative way. I never meant harm but that was huge. Then I got back to Mi and was attacked with a 5mm kidney stone causing hydronephrosis (a fancy word for fluid retention in my kidney). It sucked! It came out of nowhere and I was needed for something for work, but I couldn’t do it because I was debating going to the ER. I had already taken a muscle relaxer and valium but it wasn’t cutting it. I never expected it to be a kidney stone as it presented itself [completely] different than any other stone I’ve had! I truly thought it was either my appendix or my ovary. 

It was a huge event week for us and there were some scheduling misunderstandings that made it appear like I wasn’t going to be working during important times, but I was!!! I take my job extremely seriously but with that recent mishap over trust and crossing the boundary, and the scheduling misunderstandings, and some stupid little mistakes I had been making while trying to learn/take over some things – it all piled up during a difficult time. 

After I ended up going to the ER I was told to take the week, heal and we’d circle back the next week. I knew something was wrong, especially after I reached out 3 times asking if I could show up for some things and was respectfully told to stand down. 

I.  Was. Gutted!! 

My job means everything to me and it was now on the line. That week was so incredibly difficult for me. Knowing just how busy this event was and the added stress my team was now under as a whole – made me sick. Not to mention how miserable the kidney stone made me, I had to miss Leighton’s choir concert, my dad & Igor’s birthday annnd plan, prepare, cross my fingers that I’d make it to Kellan’s FIRST real birthday party that weekend. If I had to miss it and let him down, with work being the way it was- I’m nauseous just thinking about it! OH, and it didn’t help that my in-laws were coming and would see my father for the first time since his diagnosis, which they knew nothing about. 

Ah yes, there’s the anxiety triggered tachycardia my heart knows all too well. ::takesdeepbreaths::

Two things I haven’t really discussed yet through my blog really. My in-laws and my father’s diagnosis. Now, my in-laws are a tricky subject because I need to tread lightly so as to not cross another boundary of speaking for my husband. I need to respect his feelings and not share more than what he’d want. But at the same time it is my blog, my truth and they are a big part of any issues that have been within my relationship, as you saw in [16.YearOne]. As for my dad, unfortunately he was diagnosed with a rare form of -Bulbar ALS- and it has been understandably difficult to witness. Now, I know he will be reading this and I don’t want to make him feel bad by any means, though it’s true, it is hard! Due to the nature of the relationship that I have with my daddy, I didn’t want my in-laws to find out because I knew how they would respond – or better, [lack thereof]. I knew that they would react in a way that would result in my being hurt and I didn’t want anything to do with it. So, we didn’t tell them and at the end of the birthday party, as they were leaving, they asked Igor what was “wrong”. He explained and they just said, >’oh’< and that was that. Never once have they mentioned it, asked anything about it, or even asked how he is doing since. I want to be respectful but it’s incredibly difficult to show respect for those who have zero respect for you and your family, their grandkids included. Maybe just saying this paints a picture for you without my needing to go into further details about them at this time? K.

Now that the vail has been broken and I am seeing what I had been avoiding, I’m drowning. It’s weird though, in the past when I have had a PMDD or depressive episode, I knew it. Without question, I knew when things weren’t right. Whatever it is that is going on now, I never realized it because I used a defense mechanism to completely wipe it all away. Breaking that wall down may have caused a flood but it’s absolutely still a struggle to consciously force myself to process things. And if I’m being totally honest, I’m not entirely sure how to. The only thing I can think of is to deliberately be time-intentional and make the effort to process, feel, heal. The only time therapy has worked for me was when I was working with a therapist who did basically what I do for a living, so I am unsure how a clinical therapist would help. Can’t forget to add on that I’m already in physical therapy 2-3x a week, see my doctor every 4-6 weeks, all the meds and supplements I take and don’t take but should take, it all adds up. I also know this is just a [money mindset problem] that can be altered but it’s difficult when again, your husband is battling his own money mindset battle and knowing that you’re taking away from something that he truly dreams of, isn’t an easy thing to face.

So, I work. 

I don’t believe that I have a work-life balance issue, but I can certainly see how some may think so just given the wall of isolation and avoidance. Plus, my job brings me >pure< joy!! So when it was on the line, hell yea I threw myself into it more, because if I wasn’t able to do the ONE thing where I ‘was’ [fully] confident in my capabilities, then what the actual fuck am I capable of doing? Hence why I didn’t recognize myself from the podcast. I was no longer confident and I needed to prove to my team, but especially myself, that I can do it! And I can. And I did! And then I stupidly pushed myself yesterday to try and get more done after I had walked away from work for the day, when I wasn’t in an ‘active work mindset,’ and made an oopsie. I am so mad at myself and was taken right back to May. Now, this oopsie wasn’t major but it certainly could have been and was super eye opening that when I’m done, I need to be done.

Annnnd now I see that maybe there is more of a balance offset than I truly believed. But again, it’s what makes me happy! Hell, no one can question my devotion after the fact I >turned down< -FREE- T.SWIFT Era tickets, due to the live intensive training for my life coach / personal development coaching certification!! I was literally SICK over it; I know I ultimately made the right choice but still cry and feel my heart is still broken a little bit. My love for Taylor is unmeasurable. I’ve been to 2 concerts and met her at one, I got lots of hugs and “I love yous” and it was one of the most incredible moments of my life, 13 years ago! 13!! HER number. I was 22 when I met her, MY number!!

…Okay, I’m getting sick again thinking about it. ::Pouts&TriesNotToCry::

Anyway, I’m not really sure where I was going with this entry when I first started writing it and therefore don’t really know if I spoke to everything I meant to as I finish it days later, but it’s an update! OH, and my boss’ book was just released, where I was interviewed and shared my story as one of the case studies for it; makes me kind of famous now, huh? Joking, kind of. It’s pretty cool though, nonetheless!!

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15. Twenty-two

“Synchronicity is an ever present reality for those who have eyes to see.”
-Carl Jung

For those unfamiliar with numerology, the number 2 is associated with destiny, partnership and harmony. Therefore, the number 22 corresponds to great compatibility and thus, a forever kind of love and deep soul connection. Our first date was the 22nd of March, 2008 and the day we got engaged was the 22nd of August, 2009. The engagement happened just after midnight, he couldn’t wait any longer, so while he didn’t [plan] for it to be the 22nd – you know what I’m about to say… you betcha, more synchronicity! Oh, and let’s not forget that 22 has been my lucky/favorite number my entire life.

I kind of get chills writing this because yesterday I was doing a deep dive into Human Design and Gene Keys. (Actually I started down the rabbit hole for Human Design two weeks ago and my brain may have broke.) “The Human Design Theory is a logical system that brings together principles of The I Ching, astrology, Kabbalah, Hindu-Brahmin chakra system, and quantum physics. Your Human Design Chart, also called a BodyGraph, is calculated using your birth date, time, and place, to reveal your genetic design.” “The idea of the Gene Keys is that they’re numbered human qualities that get modified based on frequency, or your energetic vibration. There’s a “Shadow” that’s expressed at a lower frequency, while the same quality is expressed as a “Gift” at a higher frequency.” These are also believed to be implanted at birth and are calculated with some of the same principles for human design.

Raise your hand if all of the above just went wayyyy over your head; because at first – same! Like I said, I think I broke my brain. I’m still recovering and haven’t even touched the surface so [don’t!!] feel inadequate for not understanding. I only had to share the above to get to my {next} point. The reason why I got chills is because yesterday was the first time I looked into Gene Keys, had my mapping done and what not, and discovered that my main Gene Key out of 64, is >- 22 -<

– – G-U-Y-S – – – Commmmmme ooooonn!!! Like, I don’t even know what to say after that, about any of it. Except that right after learning that, Kb told me that his lucky number for the day, according to his cheese stick wrapper, was 22…

Synchronicity strikes again! Igor is more of a coincidence man, he doesn’t believe everything happens for a reason. He doesn’t >feel< that, [deep within your soul, every fiber of your being, emotional, spiritual sensation] when you just -know- there’s more to it. You may have heard of the term, “godwink” – that could be and often is used in place of synchronicity for those who believe in a divine intervention, especially when following a prayer.

The next two things I’m going to share could be viewed differently. Some may say that it’s a psychological phenomenon – almost Freudian, as though it’s because of one that draws me to the other. OR it could be viewed as a sign, another synchronicity. While I do understand why someone may think it’s a psychological or even physiological response, I do not!! For starters, I had already fallen before I knew one of these two things… That thing being: Igor wore the same cologne that my father wore when I was a kid. ::scrunchesface:: There was no way I would have known that before we met. Heck, I didn’t even know it until my mom asked Igor what he was wearing when they met for the first time. Which happened to be our second date, he picked me up at the house and brought my mom chocolate!! Um, keeper or kissass? Both? Normally you’d expect the one going on the date to be the one receiving something, however, Igor viewed it as going to my mother’s for the first time so he wasn’t going to go empty handed. SOo, keeper, definitely keeper!

Number 2) My dad and Igor share the same birthday: 5/24. Igor was almost born on his mother’s birthday: 5/26 and our youngest was almost born on his grandmother’s, Papa’s AND father’s: 5/27. Kb being our miracle baby that was definitely not planned! Here’s the thing about May 24th, though. Not only is it my father’s birthday, my husband’s birthday, it was ALSO Brian’s [02. Dad] mother’s birthday. My husband. My father. My father’s husband’s mother. ::chillsright?:: Someone could argue that I was [looking] for “signs”, but let’s be real, you cannot force how you feel about someone! You can lie to yourself and truly believe your feelings, but you cannot control that soul pulling connection. Next argument would be [lust] due to said, “looking for signs”. Lust? Lust is just sexual infatuation, something being demi I do not personally understand. Thank you, next!

Did I really just quote an Ariana Grande song? Possibly. Have I ever actually heard the song? Nope! If it came out after I’ve been a mother, isn’t T.Swift and is not the Wiggles, chances are I’ve never actually heard the song let alone the artist’s name. What can I say, I’m officially >old< and no matter how many times I swore I’d be a “cool” mom… reality sets in, and she’s a bitch. Speaking of getting older, you get forgetful. Yeah, I know you know what I’m talking about! I don’t typically forget much, which is great being that I’m blogging about my life/story/truth, but I do tend to forget if I’ve already shared something. My apologies now if I ever come off as redundant. That said, I swore I’ve already written about something but I just asked Igor and he says that I haven’t, so I’m going with that. Although, his memory may be one of the worst of anyone I know so Idk if I should, but I am. Ha.

If Igor was wrong, you can ignore this next part or take it as a refresh as to why I once again, don’t believe things just -happen- by chance. Anyone who knew me back when Taylor Swift first released music, knows how much I adore and love everything about her. Some hate her music because it’s just her “telling stories”, but uh, isn’t all country music? So she writes about failed relationships – don’t most artists write about what they know? She’s been writing since she was a child, just because she released some old music from diaries past, doesn’t mean she deserves all the hate! Not only that, her song writing skills go beyond what she releases for herself. She’s probably helped write some songs that you’d never realize were her words behind the voice who’s singing them! So [haters, hatin’] back off already! Anyway, with the tangent of my love for T.S. over, let’s talk some more about 22. What song did she release that has kind of become a “cult phenomenon” marking a new milestone birthday? Oh, that’s right – {“22”} – <3

I have been fortunate enough to see Taylor live, twice (some would say that’s nothing but let’s remember those who’d give everything just to see her once, from the nosebleed sections! I am fortunate and I admit that!) Following my car accident [12. Life Detour] and all of the uncertainties I faced, my phenomenal fiance (at the time) bought me tickets for my birthday to see her live for the first time, as an incentive to help me get {though it all} with something to look forward to!! Being that we had no idea about my walking status at the time of purchase, he made sure we were in a handicap location. That location brought me one of the best days of my life! You see, by being in that handicapped location, it led me to -meeting- AND -hugging- (multiple times) my celebrity heroine!! I was in such shock that I just cried and told her how much this meant to me and how much I loved her. Hearing Taylor Swift say, “thank you, and I love you” while giving me a bear hug, might just top every moment, ever. Bahaha. ::JokingNotJoking::

Those tickets – were purchased for my 22nd birthday…