Tag: Shadow Work

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Expedition Complete.

“It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me”
– Taylor Swift

Fauq… I’m lying here in bed unable to sleep, tears in my eyes and just a sense of, well, nothing. Granted yes, my serotonin levels are low and maybe this has become my new thing, blogging when my hormones get the best of me? I’m not sure what’s better, that or cutting my own hair? They both seem to happen that way. 

See, I just read my last entry and it made me tear up, but again, there’s nothing. Numbing almost. It has recently been brought to my attention, via an intervention of sorts, that I have been living in a state of avoidance and unintentionally inducing solitude and isolation. Yes, work has been crazy busy but not any busier than say, March, when I was working full time. I’m averaging 5-6 hour days 4 days a week and a few added hours every other weekend. But, because my hours are flexible, if I take time during the day to do something other than work, I still have to put in the time to get my stuff done. Thus, making it seem as though I really am working ALL. OF. THE. TIME! 

Then by the time I am done working I am exhausted; the kids being home on summer break while I’m working has been an event in and of itself. Not to mention my husband having his own crisis within his own mind and him just up and leaving for hours to play pickleball.

I want to blame my Cancer rising and Sagittarius moon for allowing me to put a wall up, to hide within my shell and ignore the world around me. And I could, but I still have to remember that there is light and shadow with everything and this reaction of hiding via my Moon & Ascendant is just a story I’m telling myself. Oh, yeah, I forgot to share: I’m now -officially- a >certified< astrologer and personal development coach, with an emphasis in positive psychology! ::bows::

So there’s that…

Anyway, so this hiding bit. I’m really not sure when it started but I’m pretty sure I know the trigger now that I have actually taken the time to look back. Mid May I went out to Connecticut for a work seminar of sorts and it was INCREDIBLE! It was also great to -finally- meet my bosses/coworkers for the first time, after working for TSE for 8 months and being a community member for 14! But, I messed up. Absent-mindedly, in the moment, I gave my cell number to a community member to text me something non-work related. Which, okay, that’s fine. However, 2 other community members saved my number and were talking about it with the big boss lady. I stepped over the workplace/personal boundary and it stirred up feelings of prior team members crossing said boundary in a negative way. I never meant harm but that was huge. Then I got back to Mi and was attacked with a 5mm kidney stone causing hydronephrosis (a fancy word for fluid retention in my kidney). It sucked! It came out of nowhere and I was needed for something for work, but I couldn’t do it because I was debating going to the ER. I had already taken a muscle relaxer and valium but it wasn’t cutting it. I never expected it to be a kidney stone as it presented itself [completely] different than any other stone I’ve had! I truly thought it was either my appendix or my ovary. 

It was a huge event week for us and there were some scheduling misunderstandings that made it appear like I wasn’t going to be working during important times, but I was!!! I take my job extremely seriously but with that recent mishap over trust and crossing the boundary, and the scheduling misunderstandings, and some stupid little mistakes I had been making while trying to learn/take over some things – it all piled up during a difficult time. 

After I ended up going to the ER I was told to take the week, heal and we’d circle back the next week. I knew something was wrong, especially after I reached out 3 times asking if I could show up for some things and was respectfully told to stand down. 

I.  Was. Gutted!! 

My job means everything to me and it was now on the line. That week was so incredibly difficult for me. Knowing just how busy this event was and the added stress my team was now under as a whole – made me sick. Not to mention how miserable the kidney stone made me, I had to miss Leighton’s choir concert, my dad & Igor’s birthday annnd plan, prepare, cross my fingers that I’d make it to Kellan’s FIRST real birthday party that weekend. If I had to miss it and let him down, with work being the way it was- I’m nauseous just thinking about it! OH, and it didn’t help that my in-laws were coming and would see my father for the first time since his diagnosis, which they knew nothing about. 

Ah yes, there’s the anxiety triggered tachycardia my heart knows all too well. ::takesdeepbreaths::

Two things I haven’t really discussed yet through my blog really. My in-laws and my father’s diagnosis. Now, my in-laws are a tricky subject because I need to tread lightly so as to not cross another boundary of speaking for my husband. I need to respect his feelings and not share more than what he’d want. But at the same time it is my blog, my truth and they are a big part of any issues that have been within my relationship, as you saw in [16.YearOne]. As for my dad, unfortunately he was diagnosed with a rare form of -Bulbar ALS- and it has been understandably difficult to witness. Now, I know he will be reading this and I don’t want to make him feel bad by any means, though it’s true, it is hard! Due to the nature of the relationship that I have with my daddy, I didn’t want my in-laws to find out because I knew how they would respond – or better, [lack thereof]. I knew that they would react in a way that would result in my being hurt and I didn’t want anything to do with it. So, we didn’t tell them and at the end of the birthday party, as they were leaving, they asked Igor what was “wrong”. He explained and they just said, >’oh’< and that was that. Never once have they mentioned it, asked anything about it, or even asked how he is doing since. I want to be respectful but it’s incredibly difficult to show respect for those who have zero respect for you and your family, their grandkids included. Maybe just saying this paints a picture for you without my needing to go into further details about them at this time? K.

Now that the vail has been broken and I am seeing what I had been avoiding, I’m drowning. It’s weird though, in the past when I have had a PMDD or depressive episode, I knew it. Without question, I knew when things weren’t right. Whatever it is that is going on now, I never realized it because I used a defense mechanism to completely wipe it all away. Breaking that wall down may have caused a flood but it’s absolutely still a struggle to consciously force myself to process things. And if I’m being totally honest, I’m not entirely sure how to. The only thing I can think of is to deliberately be time-intentional and make the effort to process, feel, heal. The only time therapy has worked for me was when I was working with a therapist who did basically what I do for a living, so I am unsure how a clinical therapist would help. Can’t forget to add on that I’m already in physical therapy 2-3x a week, see my doctor every 4-6 weeks, all the meds and supplements I take and don’t take but should take, it all adds up. I also know this is just a [money mindset problem] that can be altered but it’s difficult when again, your husband is battling his own money mindset battle and knowing that you’re taking away from something that he truly dreams of, isn’t an easy thing to face.

So, I work. 

I don’t believe that I have a work-life balance issue, but I can certainly see how some may think so just given the wall of isolation and avoidance. Plus, my job brings me >pure< joy!! So when it was on the line, hell yea I threw myself into it more, because if I wasn’t able to do the ONE thing where I ‘was’ [fully] confident in my capabilities, then what the actual fuck am I capable of doing? Hence why I didn’t recognize myself from the podcast. I was no longer confident and I needed to prove to my team, but especially myself, that I can do it! And I can. And I did! And then I stupidly pushed myself yesterday to try and get more done after I had walked away from work for the day, when I wasn’t in an ‘active work mindset,’ and made an oopsie. I am so mad at myself and was taken right back to May. Now, this oopsie wasn’t major but it certainly could have been and was super eye opening that when I’m done, I need to be done.

Annnnd now I see that maybe there is more of a balance offset than I truly believed. But again, it’s what makes me happy! Hell, no one can question my devotion after the fact I >turned down< -FREE- T.SWIFT Era tickets, due to the live intensive training for my life coach / personal development coaching certification!! I was literally SICK over it; I know I ultimately made the right choice but still cry and feel my heart is still broken a little bit. My love for Taylor is unmeasurable. I’ve been to 2 concerts and met her at one, I got lots of hugs and “I love yous” and it was one of the most incredible moments of my life, 13 years ago! 13!! HER number. I was 22 when I met her, MY number!!

…Okay, I’m getting sick again thinking about it. ::Pouts&TriesNotToCry::

Anyway, I’m not really sure where I was going with this entry when I first started writing it and therefore don’t really know if I spoke to everything I meant to as I finish it days later, but it’s an update! OH, and my boss’ book was just released, where I was interviewed and shared my story as one of the case studies for it; makes me kind of famous now, huh? Joking, kind of. It’s pretty cool though, nonetheless!!

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Expedition to Soul

“who you are is hidden beneath all the LAYERS
of who you were told you should be”
– The Sisters Enchanted

As I’ve mentioned before in [Awakening], I have been on a journey to self-discovery since I spiraled from a severe PMDD breakdown in 2020. I may have come to find myself, for the most part, but I also know that one can never stop working on themselves – especially when it comes to leading/living a life of intention; because by leading with intention in everything you do, it’s easier for you to get to where you want to go. Your intuition grows and understanding what -is- for you and/or -not- for you, gets faster and easier to determine.

This past week I took part in something called, Expedition to Soul, put on by The Sisters Enchanted. Expedition to Soul was a 5 day “quest” to [self]. TSE describes a -quest- as, “a journey toward a specific goal. There are often obstacles that need overcoming and sometimes villains to defeat. Often there are twists and turns along the way that ultimately reveal the truest purpose of the quest.” It kind of reminds me of {The Fool’s Journey} in tarot. The Fool’s Journey is a metaphor for the >journey through life<. Each -major- arcana card stands for a stage on that journey, the phases and trials you’ll face; the experiences that a person must incorporate to realize their wholeness.

Sara Walka, the founder of The Sisters Enchanted, said it best when she said, “Before any great quest, there is the sensation of something building. A call to change, a series of events that primes us for a grand adventure, or a knowing that the next version of you lies on the other side of an expedition to a place yet to be determined.” <- Seriously, truer words have not been spoken, especially when on a self-discovery journey! Going into ETS my intent was to better understand and trust my intuition as well as perceived signs. I knew that I was going to face barriers and boundaries and mapped out what that may have looked like for myself, as a visual. However, as mentioned above, just because I went into this quest thinking one thing, doesn’t mean that was the quest I ended up on.

Day 1 was about reclaiming your energy, cutting the webs attached to everything and anything you’ve ever encountered. Coming back to you, just you – yourself. I never realized how much of my energy was weighed down, connected to everyone and everything else. I mean, I know I’m an empath but I never knew that “recharging” wouldn’t truly revive my energy on its own. The visualization activity was absolutely freeing!! There was an additional healing meditation that I felt was a bust for myself; I woke up shaking and freezing halfway through and planned to revisit the replay later. Although, about a half hour later I fell into an unexpected two hour nap. Clearly my body/mind/spirit wasn’t done with the -healing- aspect from the [botched] meditation and figured out its own way to release whatever it was that was needed. I woke up from that nap feeling as I normally would after a successful session! It was definitely an odd sensation because I’ve never actually woken up midway through a guided meditation before, I felt so energetically sick and off. I was relieved after waking from my nap, feeling as I had expected to feel from the meditation. I do however still plan to revisit the replay and try again.

We were also supposed to take a mini [pilgrimage] if able to. A pilgrimage is typically a journey to someplace of sacred or spiritual significance. However, that location is -your- location, the place YOU feel is sacred or spiritual for yourself. Leading up to this week my goal was always to drive myself to this little beach where I go to recharge. That would have been two [major] steps for me; driving there and going alone! Unfortunately life has a way of keeping you in check. Not only had my car been broken and wasn’t back from the shop until Monday afternoon, it also decided to SNOW here in Michigan, at the end of April, after it was in the 70’s the week before! I then figured I’d try later in the week but unfortunately my youngest was home sick from school Tus-Fri. I made it a >goal< to drive myself to this location and I am-not- giving it up, it’ll just be on my own time instead of during this particular quest!! So instead of getting to the lake, I headed out to my sunroom with a mini heater, because the sunroom has always been my place for {zen} at home. Unfortunately it’s not insulated so it gets too cold during the winter and too hot in the summer to spend full days out there. However, I was reminded this week that I definitely need to spend more time out there on a regular basis!

Day 2 was about assembling your allies and taking the step to be “all in.” The thing about allies though is that [no one] can be a better ally to you, than yourself! I know that may sound ridiculous, especially to those of us who have faced past trauma and often self-sabotage. But see, you needed the past versions of you to bring you to your present self, who is then in charge of shaping what your future versions will look like. Instead of running, hiding, or whatever else you may do to forget your past, you need to embrace it and appreciate it. It may not be easy but it’s necessary in order to become the best version of yourself, though it will definitely require some -shadow- work. I used magazine cut outs to form a collage of who I was, am and want to be. I also used my ‘Heal Yourself Oracle’ deck and chose the cards: Self-Sabotage for my past, Healing and Discover your life’s purpose for present and Phoenix Rising for my future.

We were also tasked with conjuring up a ‘spell’ or ritual  for ourselves to help shed whatever it was that we needed to leave behind, so that we could fully commit to receiving whatever it was that we needed to receive on this quest. Seeing as I am a visual person, I made up a body scrub to help me visualize the [shedding] of whatever it was that was preventing me from being the best version of me that I can be. And let me tell you, I understand why putting different ingredients together and saying some words for intention, while using said mixed ingredients, is considered >witchcraft< …  it was a downright [magical] experience and so, so freeing! Ha. If you don’t want to take my word for it and/or want to try it yourself – here is the ‘spell’ I came up with:

The best me I can be: “Today I bring together my past, present and future selves, to allow myself the courage to rise above and release what’s holding me back, to move forward with joy and prosperity, believing in myself, trusting my intuition and continuing to be the best me I can be. And so it’ll be.”
2 TBs of pink Himalayan salt
2 TBs of sugar
2 TBs of grapeseed oil
Essential oils:
4 drops of Joy
5 drops of Valor (for courage)
2 drops of Rise Above
2 drops of Release
3 drops of Believe
Stirred with a cinnamon stick (for prosperity) 3 times to right for intent while repeating, “and so it’ll be!”

Day 3 we worked on continuing to challenge ourselves despite the discomfort. To  [enter the cave] not knowing what will be on the other side. This is where the shadow work comes in. Everything in life has a light side as well as a dark side, the dark being the shadow. Light is what brings us strength while shadow is what gets in our own way. When it comes to astrology there are always two sides to every sign. There is a WHOLE heck of a lot that goes into astrology when it comes to the different signs, houses, planets, etc. I’m not going to get into it all but one thing to look at when facing your shadow, is your {Moon Sign}. Your Moon Sign is different from your Sun Sign, which is your main sign that you’d look at for your horoscope. And for those who don’t believe in astrology and horoscopes, that’s perfectly okay! I mean, how could everyone born between x and x day have the exact same horoscope, right? They can’t and don’t… which is why I said there is a whole heck of a lot that goes into it, and once you understand your birth chart better it really does then fall in line and make sense.

You have your Sun Sign – your identity, your Moon Sign – the soul behind your identity, and your Rising Sign – your social personality. 
The [Sun Sign] is the essence that you shine out into the world. It is how you answer the question “I am”; how you experience life and express your individuality.
The [Moon Sign] represents your subconscious and is the force behind your emotional reactions. It’s what allows you to feel joy and sorrow, pain and pleasure, and gives you insight on how to restore and nurture yourself.
The [Rising Sign] (also called Ascendant) represents your physical body and outward style, the manifestation of both your inner and outer world.

Horoscopes are just a generalization and not the true root of astrology. Literally everyone, depending on their chart, can have a bit of any sign’s characteristics. Thus is why people often brush off astrology and horoscopes. BUT! Once you understand it better, you may not feel the same skepticism as you once did!! It really is fascinating.

I am a Pisces (Sun) so I am motivated by deep emotional desires and recharge through emotional experiences. <- makes sense given how Day 1 went by reclaiming my own energy. I am a Sagittarius (Moon) so I react to changing experiences with direct action and excitement. I feel the most aligned and balanced when I am expressing confidence, ditching negative self-talk and showing my strength. <- again, SO true; look at where I am today from where I was! And I am a Cancer (Rising) which means that I am sensitive, empathetic and easily influenced by my environment. I approach life by being deeply rooted in my emotional body. <- uh, yah think?! Anyone could have told you that…

Anyway, looking at my signs, focusing on my shadow brings me back to the [dark] side of Sagittarius; and for me that’s seeking experiences and freedom for emotional security. Because Cancer and Pisces feel {so deeply}, I tend to escape, shut down, build a wall and become numb when emotions get to be too much. I subconsciously feel as though I need to run, get out of where I’m at and -do- something, anything, other than be with my feelings, because I am with my feelings all the damn time! Being a double water baby it’s no wonder my heart is on my sleeve! Getting to know and understanding your shadow will show you why you react the way you do in everyday life, you are able to see it for what it is, and gain >control< back for yourself! Rewrite the narrative, you survived x and are stronger because of it.

Day 4 took me some time. I regrettably didn’t finish on time because there was just too much going on, which also set me back for day 5. Just prior to Expedition to Soul there was a 21 day self care challenge that I completed. It was the very first time I have ever completed a challenge, doing every day on its intended day. That was [major] for me, so I did feel a little defeated when I got behind for days 4 & 5. But as I’ve learned and came to realize, with the help of The Sisters Enchanted community, everyone is on their own journey – on their own time!

So day 4 we were asked to do two visualizations (similar to mini meditations). The first one was to envision our future selves. Now that we had done the shadow work, faced the unknown and allowed ourselves to truly feel and be with our emotions. Now that we had worked on understanding the [why] we did certain things, how did we envision using our new ‘tools’ to help us moving forward? Honestly? I fell asleep attempting this one, twice… I was explaining this to my cousin, Sara and she pointed out that I saw myself well rested. Ha. All about perspective, right? However, just prior to falling asleep, and almost every other future visualization I’ve done, I see myself wrapped up in a cozy blanket, on a comfy bench or chair, by the lake at dusk with a mug of something warm to drink. I see us either moving to a smaller town with a smaller, older home right on the water – or we make it a tradition of renting a home and/or AirBnb annually. Being on/near the water has always been my go-to for comfort, my peace, my slice of ‘heaven’. You know, that whole {mermaid} soul and all.

The second visualization was to envision a talisman for yourself, a physical object to remember what this week revealed to you; to have the visual of the intention of where you want to be. Although, it’s not so much about knowing the answer of where you want to be, but rather supporting yourself as you move forward. It’s about the connection to your object. The feeling it gives you, the reminder it gives you, cultivating a way of being. The future visualization was to help us figure out how we [want] to -feel- and this talisman is to represent and remind us of that feeling, to help us get to where we want to be. On day one I was drawn to my raw emerald stone. I have never actually worked with emerald but I couldn’t put it down. That night I placed it on my nightstand and it stayed there all week. The second I started the visual activity the image of my emerald stone on my nightstand came to mind. As I continued listening to the guided visualization, it kept popping back into my mind. I knew then that this stone was meant for this quest and the perfect thing for a talisman!

Except, it didn’t feel complete. As I continued the visualization an old antique key came to mind. It reminded me of when I first fell in love with old houses, on the water. My grandfather had rented a house on the water one summer. That was the first time I saw a real {skeleton key} and have been fascinated by antique keys since! <- DUH! Of course an old key goes with the emerald – it’s literally a perfect combo for this specific talisman and this particular quest! But, what do I tie them together with? It only took a second and my heart (intuition?)  knew exactly what was needed. Growing up I took my -baby blanket- with me quite literally everywhere! My > Te-Te <! As the years went on and it started falling apart, both of my parents put away a piece knowing that one day I would want it as a keepsake. Obviously being the sentimental water baby that I am, that is as much a ‘duh’ as is [fuck yeah]! My Te-Te was everything to me, as well as my Teddy from [08. Auntie]. Until I almost lost Teddy on my honeymoon, that bear went on every vacation with me! I cut a piece of my Te-Te and wore it as an anklet at my wedding, so it is -only- fitting that I used some string from the “blanket” to secure my emerald to the old key!

Day 5 was reflecting on the week as well as learning the Five I’s, and seeing how we actually used them over the past 5 days. The Five I’s are TSE’s five steps towards having a “magical, intentional, soul-led life”. You start with your Intention. Then you Integrate your intentions into your current selves and lives. Next comes Insight from doing the hard (shadow) work by looking deep within to what’s blocking you. Then you Ideate by piecing together the different ideas and concepts you want for yourself and creating a way to ‘enchant’ your everyday life. Which then brings us to Intuit, using your intuition to know what is best for you and your own lives. The more you use the Five I’s the easier it’ll get to see what’s right for you and you’ll be able to live without unnecessary guilt. The >real< you is often hidden behind all of the -layers- of who you were led to believe you [should] be.

One of my biggest takeaways from working with The Sisters Enchanted is that it’s okay to want more, it’s okay to step into your authenticity, and it’s okay to do life differently! Initially I wanted ETS to help me better understand and trust my intuition and perceived signs. Originally as the week went on I didn’t think that was happening. But as I sat there reflecting I realized that maybe it did to some extent… I still don’t completely understand but I start to feel this excited flutter in my chest when I think of certain things, almost as though it’s my body showing me the [Queen of Wands] yelling, “yaaassss girl!!” If anything I am noticing my confidence and belief in myself because I can feel the possibilities out there. I am no longer feeling caged or defined by my health. I am just so happy and filled with excitement for what’s to come. All week as I took the time to work on my quest I lit the same candle reciting, “this is for my health, happiness and being the best me FOR me!” I finished my quest by dancing it out to Katy Perry’s “Roar” with my new affirmation:
{I am NO longer holding myself back!}

Onward!