“I recognize that a journey never ends, You think it’s over but the then it all starts again.” – Thomas Gold
So, I know that it has been forever and a day since I last wrote and/or made an entry, but today I felt inspired. Although, as I am sitting here I am drawing a blank for words. I see on my list of topics to discuss that I have my breastfeeding journey, postpartum, and PMDD still listed; though I am certain that I’ve written about the above in some capacity or another, at some point. But quite honestly, I just don’t have the desire to look back and see, so.. I won’t be citing other entries today.
Going down the path of rediscovery, finding The Sisters Enchanted – my life truly has taken a 180 in such a short amount of time. I knew that telling my story and being able to help others is what I am meant to be doing. That’s why I started this blog after all… I didn’t want anyone to have to feel alone. Then I came across a community that changed everything.
Don’t get me wrong, writing is still a passion of mine, just my time for it has dwindled. I haven’t made it a priority because that feeling of fulfillment that I always get from writing, I achieve almost everyday just doing my job! Not to mention, being >thee< customer service person and student support, I am writing every day while in communication with students and community members. I am able to share bits and pieces of my story, helping [right] in the moment.
I was recently a guest on our Expedition to Soul podcast at work, and it was that experience, plus a recent reading I had with a fellow community member that led me to this entry. If you’re interested in hearing my podcast episode you can do so [clicking here] or, if you’d prefer to watch the video version you can [click here]. Oh heck while I’m at it – if you’re interested in having a reading by one of our verified coaches/readers, Sharon Blue of Blue Empress Tarot is your girl!
When I watch my podcast episode I am flooded with a mix of emotions, as I not only -see- who I am today – I also don’t know that I truly recognize her, either. Yes, I am without question not the same person that I was a year ago, but if I’m being honest, I don’t know that I really am the same person with that same confidence that I was last August when I asked for a job and got it. I had finally gotten my shit together, got a job and then boom. All of my progress, all of my plans – out the window. I replaced being sick and using it as a crutch to now putting everything into my job and not being able to get anything else done.
Now, yes, I have to remember that I did finally end up catching Covid before Christmas and yes, it was my greatest fear that it would cause a major setback and flair up… which, I thank my lucky stars that science is a thing and that I had had 4 vaccine doses by then, so my outcome didn’t turn out even worse! But… I did in fact have a flair up and it set me back. Not only did it set me back physically, but mentally as well. See, while sick with Covid I missed quite a few of my normal doses of medication, resulting in another PMDD spiral. NOT AS bad as 2020, but it wasn’t good. I knew the cause, I knew that it was because my meds were unregulated and I held hope that in 1-2 months things would be good again. Things did clear up some but it’s taking longer than I’d like. Without fail, each month when my progesterone rises, my serotonin plummets. <- Right now as I write this, it is one of those times. I also can’t forget that I am anemic and I suck at remembering to take my iron. Exhaustion doesn’t even begin to describe my inability to stay awake at different times throughout the month. Plus allergy season? Lets not forget that after a good solid 9+ months I was [not] full on passing out… then Covid happened. And the loss of remaining consciousness started up again. That confidence of getting out of the house and doing things by myself knowing that I was safe, is no longer there because I know that I’m not. The anxiety is slowly creeping back, anchoring itself, reminding me of the past yet again. BUT I have a job! I AM able to work! But that’s about it. The fear of letting my team down is there, beneath my belief in my ability to do the job. It’s the ugly shadow that I have to continuously face time and time again.
But under it alI; I [know]… > I AM CAPABLE! <
Now, some more real talk… Breastfeeding is hands down one of the most rewarding, yet most challenging aspects during the first stages of motherhood. There is so much pressure and stigma involved, calling it an emotional roller coaster doesn’t do it justice. In fact, I can honestly say that I have never sacrificed so much of myself, more than I did for my Littles during our nursing journeys! I gave up my medication, sacrificing my own health and fought daily for their benefit. From the inability to latch due to premature birth and exclusively pumping for months, to dietary restrictions, lack of sleep, and even extending past the first year- not to mention it’s no secret the hardships we faced when it came to food/eating with the both of them. Simply put, breastfeeding is hard; one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Sure, as time went on and we got into routine it got easier, but still hard AF nonetheless! But you know what? I have zero regrets! It gave me purpose; I am eternally grateful that I was able to do that and provide them both with the nutrients they needed for as long as they did, which just so happened to be 15.5 months for L and 26.5 months for K! However, there’s one thing that needs to be discussed, because unfortunately, before it happened to me, I wasn’t aware it was a thing… post nursing blues, anxiety and depression. As real as postpartum depression is, ending nursing blues is just as real and hard. Oh my goodness is it awful! I experienced it with both, and much, much worse this second time around. Weaning Kellan took almost 4 months and it was my own personal hell. If you or someone you know may be experiencing it, your/their feelings are valid, and they’re real! A mother’s love is like no other, our strength has no limits!
I had been holding onto old frozen breastmilk with dreams of having a ring/pendant made of mixed milk from my breastfeeding journeys. I, being the procrastinator that I am, haven’t done a thing with it and Kellan will be 7 next month. Our basement freezer stopped working and I could only “save” so much. Instead of feeling heartbroken I decided to have a milk bath last week, releasing any and all trauma I’ve been carrying from my pregnancies, their births, postpartum, etc. With some visualization meditation, I used my milk as a reminder of how incredible the female body is through all of its stages, and to remember that things happen how they’re supposed to happen. I am in a different stage of life and in a way, this was like closing a chapter and rebirthing another.
This was the release I needed to see that I am that person in the podcast. I just need to remember that situations change and I have to adapt without expectations, so as to not feel as though I have failed or regressed. Life is a constant journey with lessons; changes are inevitable, but also necessary. It all goes back to Expedition to Soul where I assembled my allies: I am all versions of myself, past – present – & future – at all times. All versions of who I am/was/will be, make up all of me.
“who you are is hidden beneath all the LAYERS of who you were told you should be” – The Sisters Enchanted
As I’ve mentioned before in [Awakening], I have been on a journey to self-discovery since I spiraled from a severe PMDD breakdown in 2020. I may have come to find myself, for the most part, but I also know that one can never stop working on themselves – especially when it comes to leading/living a life of intention; because by leading with intention in everything you do, it’s easier for you to get to where you want to go. Your intuition grows and understanding what -is- for you and/or -not- for you, gets faster and easier to determine.
This past week I took part in something called, Expedition to Soul, put on by The Sisters Enchanted. Expedition to Soul was a 5 day “quest” to [self]. TSE describes a -quest- as, “a journey toward a specific goal. There are often obstacles that need overcoming and sometimes villains to defeat. Often there are twists and turns along the way that ultimately reveal the truest purpose of the quest.” It kind of reminds me of {The Fool’s Journey} in tarot. The Fool’s Journey is a metaphor for the >journey through life<. Each -major- arcana card stands for a stage on that journey, the phases and trials you’ll face; the experiences that a person must incorporate to realize their wholeness.
Sara Walka, the founder of The Sisters Enchanted, said it best when she said, “Before any great quest, there is the sensation of something building. A call to change, a series of events that primes us for a grand adventure, or a knowing that the next version of you lies on the other side of an expedition to a place yet to be determined.” <- Seriously, truer words have not been spoken, especially when on a self-discovery journey! Going into ETS my intent was to better understand and trust my intuition as well as perceived signs. I knew that I was going to face barriers and boundaries and mapped out what that may have looked like for myself, as a visual. However, as mentioned above, just because I went into this quest thinking one thing, doesn’t mean that was the quest I ended up on.
Day 1 was about reclaiming your energy, cutting the webs attached to everything and anything you’ve ever encountered. Coming back to you, just you – yourself. I never realized how much of my energy was weighed down, connected to everyone and everything else. I mean, I know I’m an empath but I never knew that “recharging” wouldn’t truly revive my energy on its own. The visualization activity was absolutely freeing!! There was an additional healing meditation that I felt was a bust for myself; I woke up shaking and freezing halfway through and planned to revisit the replay later. Although, about a half hour later I fell into an unexpected two hour nap. Clearly my body/mind/spirit wasn’t done with the -healing- aspect from the [botched] meditation and figured out its own way to release whatever it was that was needed. I woke up from that nap feeling as I normally would after a successful session! It was definitely an odd sensation because I’ve never actually woken up midway through a guided meditation before, I felt so energetically sick and off. I was relieved after waking from my nap, feeling as I had expected to feel from the meditation. I do however still plan to revisit the replay and try again.
We were also supposed to take a mini [pilgrimage] if able to. A pilgrimage is typically a journey to someplace of sacred or spiritual significance. However, that location is -your- location, the place YOU feel is sacred or spiritual for yourself. Leading up to this week my goal was always to drive myself to this little beach where I go to recharge. That would have been two [major] steps for me; driving there and going alone! Unfortunately life has a way of keeping you in check. Not only had my car been broken and wasn’t back from the shop until Monday afternoon, it also decided to SNOW here in Michigan, at the end of April, after it was in the 70’s the week before! I then figured I’d try later in the week but unfortunately my youngest was home sick from school Tus-Fri. I made it a >goal< to drive myself to this location and I am-not- giving it up, it’ll just be on my own time instead of during this particular quest!! So instead of getting to the lake, I headed out to my sunroom with a mini heater, because the sunroom has always been my place for {zen} at home. Unfortunately it’s not insulated so it gets too cold during the winter and too hot in the summer to spend full days out there. However, I was reminded this week that I definitely need to spend more time out there on a regular basis!
Day 2 was about assembling your allies and taking the step to be “all in.” The thing about allies though is that [no one] can be a better ally to you, than yourself! I know that may sound ridiculous, especially to those of us who have faced past trauma and often self-sabotage. But see, you needed the past versions of you to bring you to your present self, who is then in charge of shaping what your future versions will look like. Instead of running, hiding, or whatever else you may do to forget your past, you need to embrace it and appreciate it. It may not be easy but it’s necessary in order to become the best version of yourself, though it will definitely require some -shadow- work. I used magazine cut outs to form a collage of who I was, am and want to be. I also used my ‘Heal Yourself Oracle’ deck and chose the cards: Self-Sabotage for my past, Healing and Discover your life’s purpose for present and Phoenix Rising for my future.
We were also tasked with conjuring up a ‘spell’ or ritual for ourselves to help shed whatever it was that we needed to leave behind, so that we could fully commit to receiving whatever it was that we needed to receive on this quest. Seeing as I am a visual person, I made up a body scrub to help me visualize the [shedding] of whatever it was that was preventing me from being the best version of me that I can be. And let me tell you, I understand why putting different ingredients together and saying some words for intention, while using said mixed ingredients, is considered >witchcraft< … it was a downright [magical] experience and so, so freeing! Ha. If you don’t want to take my word for it and/or want to try it yourself – here is the ‘spell’ I came up with:
The best me I can be: “Today I bring together my past, present and future selves, to allow myself the courage to rise above and release what’s holding me back, to move forward with joy and prosperity, believing in myself, trusting my intuition and continuing to be the best me I can be. And so it’ll be.” 2 TBs of pink Himalayan salt 2 TBs of sugar 2 TBs of grapeseed oil Essential oils: 4 drops of Joy 5 drops of Valor (for courage) 2 drops of Rise Above 2 drops of Release 3 drops of Believe Stirred with a cinnamon stick (for prosperity) 3 times to right for intent while repeating, “and so it’ll be!”
Day 3 we worked on continuing to challenge ourselves despite the discomfort. To [enter the cave] not knowing what will be on the other side. This is where the shadow work comes in. Everything in life has a light side as well as a dark side, the dark being the shadow. Light is what brings us strength while shadow is what gets in our own way. When it comes to astrology there are always two sides to every sign. There is a WHOLE heck of a lot that goes into astrology when it comes to the different signs, houses, planets, etc. I’m not going to get into it all but one thing to look at when facing your shadow, is your {Moon Sign}. Your Moon Sign is different from your Sun Sign, which is your main sign that you’d look at for your horoscope. And for those who don’t believe in astrology and horoscopes, that’s perfectly okay! I mean, how could everyone born between x and x day have the exact same horoscope, right? They can’t and don’t… which is why I said there is a whole heck of a lot that goes into it, and once you understand your birth chart better it really does then fall in line and make sense.
You have your Sun Sign – your identity, your Moon Sign – the soul behind your identity, and your Rising Sign – your social personality. The [Sun Sign] is the essence that you shine out into the world. It is how you answer the question “I am”; how you experience life and express your individuality. The [Moon Sign] represents your subconscious and is the force behind your emotional reactions. It’s what allows you to feel joy and sorrow, pain and pleasure, and gives you insight on how to restore and nurture yourself. The [Rising Sign] (also called Ascendant) represents your physical body and outward style, the manifestation of both your inner and outer world.
Horoscopes are just a generalization and not the true root of astrology. Literally everyone, depending on their chart, can have a bit of any sign’s characteristics. Thus is why people often brush off astrology and horoscopes. BUT! Once you understand it better, you may not feel the same skepticism as you once did!! It really is fascinating.
I am a Pisces (Sun) so I am motivated by deep emotional desires and recharge through emotional experiences. <- makes sense given how Day 1 went by reclaiming my own energy. I am a Sagittarius (Moon) so I react to changing experiences with direct action and excitement. I feel the most aligned and balanced when I am expressing confidence, ditching negative self-talk and showing my strength. <- again, SO true; look at where I am today from where I was! And I am a Cancer (Rising) which means that I am sensitive, empathetic and easily influenced by my environment. I approach life by being deeply rooted in my emotional body. <- uh, yah think?! Anyone could have told you that…
Anyway, looking at my signs, focusing on my shadow brings me back to the [dark] side of Sagittarius; and for me that’s seeking experiences and freedom for emotional security. Because Cancer and Pisces feel {so deeply}, I tend to escape, shut down, build a wall and become numb when emotions get to be too much. I subconsciously feel as though I need to run, get out of where I’m at and -do- something, anything, other than be with my feelings, because I am with my feelings all the damn time! Being a double water baby it’s no wonder my heart is on my sleeve! Getting to know and understanding your shadow will show you why you react the way you do in everyday life, you are able to see it for what it is, and gain >control< back for yourself! Rewrite the narrative, you survived x and are stronger because of it.
Day 4 took me some time. I regrettably didn’t finish on time because there was just too much going on, which also set me back for day 5. Just prior to Expedition to Soul there was a 21 day self care challenge that I completed. It was the very first time I have ever completed a challenge, doing every day on its intended day. That was [major] for me, so I did feel a little defeated when I got behind for days 4 & 5. But as I’ve learned and came to realize, with the help of The Sisters Enchanted community, everyone is on their own journey – on their own time!
So day 4 we were asked to do two visualizations (similar to mini meditations). The first one was to envision our future selves. Now that we had done the shadow work, faced the unknown and allowed ourselves to truly feel and be with our emotions. Now that we had worked on understanding the [why] we did certain things, how did we envision using our new ‘tools’ to help us moving forward? Honestly? I fell asleep attempting this one, twice… I was explaining this to my cousin, Sara and she pointed out that I saw myself well rested. Ha. All about perspective, right? However, just prior to falling asleep, and almost every other future visualization I’ve done, I see myself wrapped up in a cozy blanket, on a comfy bench or chair, by the lake at dusk with a mug of something warm to drink. I see us either moving to a smaller town with a smaller, older home right on the water – or we make it a tradition of renting a home and/or AirBnb annually. Being on/near the water has always been my go-to for comfort, my peace, my slice of ‘heaven’. You know, that whole {mermaid} soul and all.
The second visualization was to envision a talisman for yourself, a physical object to remember what this week revealed to you; to have the visual of the intention of where you want to be. Although, it’s not so much about knowing the answer of where you want to be, but rather supporting yourself as you move forward. It’s about the connection to your object. The feeling it gives you, the reminder it gives you, cultivating a way of being. The future visualization was to help us figure out how we [want] to -feel- and this talisman is to represent and remind us of that feeling, to help us get to where we want to be. On day one I was drawn to my raw emerald stone. I have never actually worked with emerald but I couldn’t put it down. That night I placed it on my nightstand and it stayed there all week. The second I started the visual activity the image of my emerald stone on my nightstand came to mind. As I continued listening to the guided visualization, it kept popping back into my mind. I knew then that this stone was meant for this quest and the perfect thing for a talisman!
Except, it didn’t feel complete. As I continued the visualization an old antique key came to mind. It reminded me of when I first fell in love with old houses, on the water. My grandfather had rented a house on the water one summer. That was the first time I saw a real {skeleton key} and have been fascinated by antique keys since! <- DUH! Of course an old key goes with the emerald – it’s literally a perfect combo for this specific talisman and this particular quest! But, what do I tie them together with? It only took a second and my heart (intuition?) knew exactly what was needed. Growing up I took my -baby blanket- with me quite literally everywhere! My > Te-Te <! As the years went on and it started falling apart, both of my parents put away a piece knowing that one day I would want it as a keepsake. Obviously being the sentimental water baby that I am, that is as much a ‘duh’ as is [fuck yeah]! My Te-Te was everything to me, as well as my Teddy from [08. Auntie]. Until I almost lost Teddy on my honeymoon, that bear went on every vacation with me! I cut a piece of my Te-Te and wore it as an anklet at my wedding, so it is -only- fitting that I used some string from the “blanket” to secure my emerald to the old key!
Day 5 was reflecting on the week as well as learning the Five I’s, and seeing how we actually used them over the past 5 days. The Five I’s are TSE’s five steps towards having a “magical, intentional, soul-led life”. You start with your Intention. Then you Integrate your intentions into your current selves and lives. Next comes Insight from doing the hard (shadow) work by looking deep within to what’s blocking you. Then you Ideate by piecing together the different ideas and concepts you want for yourself and creating a way to ‘enchant’ your everyday life. Which then brings us to Intuit, using your intuition to know what is best for you and your own lives. The more you use the Five I’s the easier it’ll get to see what’s right for you and you’ll be able to live without unnecessary guilt. The >real< you is often hidden behind all of the -layers- of who you were led to believe you [should] be.
One of my biggest takeaways from working with The Sisters Enchanted is that it’s okay to want more, it’s okay to step into your authenticity, and it’s okay to do life differently! Initially I wanted ETS to help me better understand and trust my intuition and perceived signs. Originally as the week went on I didn’t think that was happening. But as I sat there reflecting I realized that maybe it did to some extent… I still don’t completely understand but I start to feel this excited flutter in my chest when I think of certain things, almost as though it’s my body showing me the [Queen of Wands] yelling, “yaaassss girl!!” If anything I am noticing my confidence and belief in myself because I can feel the possibilities out there. I am no longer feeling caged or defined by my health. I am just so happy and filled with excitement for what’s to come. All week as I took the time to work on my quest I lit the same candle reciting, “this is for my health, happiness and being the best me FOR me!” I finished my quest by dancing it out to Katy Perry’s “Roar” with my new affirmation: {I am NO longer holding myself back!}
